1 00:00:01,602 --> 00:00:03,337 * Men. * 2 00:00:03,404 --> 00:00:05,873 Hey, Danny. 3 00:00:05,939 --> 00:00:07,908 Good morning, Melissa. 4 00:00:07,975 --> 00:00:11,945 You look lovely today. 5 00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,647 Thank you, Danny. 6 00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:15,383 I think he's got a little thing for you. 7 00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:19,153 No, you've got a little thing for her. 8 00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:21,955 I've got a croquet mallet in my pants. 9 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:24,825 Danny, behave yourself. 10 00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:28,129 Alan, I thought I told you to keep that doll in your room. 11 00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:29,430 Come on. 12 00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:31,565 He's got to feed the broad sometime. 13 00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:34,068 See what I did there? 14 00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:35,903 You're so clever. 15 00:00:35,969 --> 00:00:38,439 How about spaghetti with pesto for dinner tonight? 16 00:00:38,506 --> 00:00:40,641 Oh, boy, with the pine nuts? You got it. 17 00:00:41,809 --> 00:00:45,213 I've got your pine nuts right here. 18 00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:46,380 Danny. 19 00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:48,849 Buy one, get one free. 20 00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:52,820 Okay, Alan, I'm only going to ask you this once. 21 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:55,423 Has little Miss Muppet moved into my house? 22 00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:57,057 What? No. Huh-uh. 23 00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:59,693 Really? 24 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:00,994 and still here when I get up. 25 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,630 Well, to be fair, Charlie, 26 00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:06,300 you do have an erratic sleep schedule. 27 00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:09,603 So you're saying I continually miss it when she goes home? 28 00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:11,939 Charlie, you missed Easter last year. 29 00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:13,707 Was that the time I woke up 30 00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:17,010 with a Cadbury egg melted in my shorts? 31 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:21,215 Sadly enough, no. 32 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,685 Okay, okay, just so you understand 33 00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:27,788 this is my house and you don't get to invite people to move in. 34 00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:29,089 Why do you keep harping on that? 35 00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:30,424 She is not living here. 36 00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:32,460 I'm just going to throw in a load of laundry 37 00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:33,561 before I go to work. 38 00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:38,199 Sure looks like she is. 39 00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:41,635 I don't know what he's talking about. 40 00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:49,009 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 41 00:01:49,076 --> 00:01:52,146 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 42 00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:54,282 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 43 00:01:54,348 --> 00:01:56,750 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 44 00:01:56,817 --> 00:02:00,053 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 45 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:04,758 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 46 00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:11,532 * Men. * 47 00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:18,939 Hey, listen, I was thinking. 48 00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:22,476 We've already got a bed. 49 00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:24,345 And you're the one who's always complaining about it. 50 00:02:24,412 --> 00:02:26,880 Oh, I complain about a lot of things. 51 00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:28,616 Like, uh, like automatic flush toilets. 52 00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:30,518 I mean, everything's gone before you get a chance 53 00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:33,421 to turn around and check out how you did. 54 00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:35,289 What the dickens are you talking about? 55 00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:37,191 Let's just leave the furniture the way it is. 56 00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:38,292 I don't want to rock the boat. 57 00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:39,793 How is getting a decent bed 58 00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:43,797 rocking the boat? 59 00:02:43,864 --> 00:02:45,699 And-and no. I mean... 60 00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:46,967 It's still Charlie's house. 61 00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:49,136 But you pay rent? Of course. 62 00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:51,138 I mean, you know, the actual number fluctuates 63 00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:53,607 depending on the economy and whether Charlie's conscious 64 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,509 on the first of the month. But yeah, I pay. 65 00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:58,446 Okay, then you need to start standing up to him. 66 00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,713 Oh, please. 67 00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:02,216 I stand up to him plenty. Is that so? 68 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,121 You think he likes unsalted butter? 69 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,390 He does not. 70 00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:12,726 Now you listen to me, Alan Harper. 71 00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:15,463 You are a strong, assertive man. 72 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,965 I know that because I couldn't be with you 73 00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:19,467 if you were anything less. 74 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,535 Oh, well, yeah, I am. 75 00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:23,671 You know, I... I don't want to flaunt 76 00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:29,510 my strong assertiveness by, you know, asking for stuff. 77 00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:33,013 Alan, you need to tell your brother 78 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,449 well, then that is just his tough noogies. 79 00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:38,319 Okay, I will tell him. 80 00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:40,421 Good. But slowly. 81 00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:42,290 In increments. 82 00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:44,157 As I did with the butter. 83 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:47,027 And how long did that take? 84 00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:49,597 That is not important. 85 00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:51,632 What's important is this is now 86 00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:53,667 a low sodium, heart smart household. 87 00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:58,939 She's living here. 88 00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:01,775 He moved her in right under my nose. 89 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:03,043 So? 90 00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:06,680 So this is the unsalted butter again, 91 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:09,850 but, you know, writ large. 92 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:13,954 "What difference?" 93 00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:15,055 Are you kidding? 94 00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:16,790 First it's him and his stinky kid 95 00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:20,027 and now he's shacking up with Strawberry Shortcake! 96 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:22,095 He pays rent, doesn't he? 97 00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:23,564 I don't know. 98 00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:24,932 Once, maybe. 99 00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:27,735 He says he did. 100 00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:31,138 So why do you care who he has in his room? 101 00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:33,474 I care because... 102 00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:34,842 There's a principle involved. 103 00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:35,843 "A principle"? 104 00:04:35,909 --> 00:04:38,346 Yes! I made a rule. 105 00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:41,982 Ooh, you made a rule. 106 00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:43,617 Yes, I made a rule. 107 00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:44,718 And I'm making another one. 108 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:47,087 You do not get to mock my rules. 109 00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:49,089 You're being silly, Charlie. 110 00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:50,491 Melissa is a wonderful girl. 111 00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:52,993 They love each other and she makes him happy. 112 00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:56,129 And I care about that because...? 113 00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:58,966 Because the Charlie Harper that I fell in love with 114 00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:01,335 cares about other people's happiness. 115 00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:04,137 That's the Charlie Harper you fell in love with, huh? Yes. 116 00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:06,974 Well, joke's on you. 117 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:08,876 That whole nice guy thing was a big act 118 00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:10,944 to get you to have sex with me. 119 00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:12,480 Ha-ha. 120 00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:15,282 I know you'll do the right thing, Charlie. 121 00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:18,051 Oh, you do, huh? 122 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:26,394 * Men. * 123 00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:29,430 Hey. 124 00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:30,831 Hey. Got a minute? 125 00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:31,899 I'm reading. 126 00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:33,901 Okay, we'll talk later. 127 00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:37,204 (door opens and closes) 128 00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:40,508 (muffled arguing) 129 00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:45,078 MELISSA (muffled): Damn it, Alan, get back out there! 130 00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:47,515 (door opens and closes) 131 00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,650 Hey-ho. 132 00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:52,052 What do you want, Alan? Well... 133 00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:55,556 as you know, I pay my fair share of rent around here. 134 00:05:55,623 --> 00:05:59,126 We probably have different definitions of "fair." 135 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,429 And "share." 136 00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:03,564 And "rent," but go on. 137 00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:06,366 I-I-I just don't think I need your permission 138 00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:08,035 when it comes to Melissa living with me. 139 00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:10,804 Well, you're wrong. Nice talking to you. 140 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:14,207 Charlie. 141 00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:15,443 This is my house. 142 00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:16,910 Not yours, mine. 143 00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:18,846 And the fact is, if Melissa moves in, 144 00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:21,415 that means you've got more people living here than I do. 145 00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:22,883 So? 146 00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:25,653 So there's a principle involved... 147 00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:32,159 ...that we must discuss. 148 00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:34,995 Okay, so what's the principle? 149 00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:43,437 The principle is that... 150 00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:46,940 you're my brother and I want you to be happy. 151 00:06:48,876 --> 00:06:51,278 So Melissa can stay? 152 00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:52,446 I mean, move in? 153 00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:58,051 Sure. 154 00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:01,989 Well, all right then. 155 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,362 (exclaims) 156 00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:14,101 * Men. * 157 00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,237 You know, I was thinking. 158 00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:19,507 You've got me. Alan's got Melissa. 159 00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:21,542 Even Jake's got a girlfriend. 160 00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:24,344 We need to find somebody for Sir Lancelot. 161 00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:28,181 Your cat? 162 00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,884 Yeah. Doesn't he deserve some happiness? 163 00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,687 He can lick his own crotch. What else does he need? 164 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:38,826 Come on, Charlie. 165 00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:40,694 All right. 166 00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:43,363 How about we get him a nice lady coyote? 167 00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:45,533 Charlie! 168 00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,701 What? It'd be good for ol' Lance. 169 00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:49,937 Get a little exercise running for his life. 170 00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:52,005 You're terrible. 171 00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:54,007 (phone ringing) 172 00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:56,510 Let the machine get it. 173 00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:59,179 ALAN: (on recording) Hi, this is Alan. 174 00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:01,649 We're not home right now and neither are Charlie and Chelsea. 175 00:08:01,715 --> 00:08:02,883 Well, Charlie might be home, but he's probably 176 00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:04,484 in no condition to answer the phone. 177 00:08:04,552 --> 00:08:06,687 (Alan and Melissa laughing) 178 00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:11,224 BOTH: Leave a message when you hear the beep. 179 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:12,760 Beep! 180 00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,261 (machine beeps) 181 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:15,462 EVELYN (on machine): Hello, Charlie? 182 00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:17,565 It's your mother. 183 00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:20,367 Remember me? 184 00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:23,136 for roughly seven and a half months. 185 00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,639 Anyway, I'd say call me, but what's the point? 186 00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:26,974 I've long since given up expecting 187 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:30,077 any kind of consideration... (machine beeps) 188 00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:35,048 "Seven and a half months"? 189 00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:37,751 he wouldn't have invented C-sections and incubators." 190 00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:40,087 Oh, hey, all. 191 00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:44,157 We're home. 192 00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:45,893 (sotto voce): Charlie? 193 00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:47,595 Hi. 194 00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:51,398 Oh, uh, just so you know, 195 00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:54,067 and you guys can take the top and we'll split the door, okay? 196 00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:57,237 That's a great idea. 197 00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:58,572 Be quiet. 198 00:08:58,639 --> 00:08:59,940 I bought it. I paid for it. 199 00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:02,610 Charlie! The whole thing, not just half. 200 00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:05,245 Stop being a child. 201 00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:08,048 a grape soda just because I put it on the wrong shelf! 202 00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:11,484 Mind if we join you guys? Sure. 203 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,153 What are we watching? (The Odd Couple theme plays) 204 00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:14,888 An Odd Couple rerun. 205 00:09:14,955 --> 00:09:17,157 Oh, I never really liked that show. 206 00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,526 Why not? I don't really buy the premise. 207 00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:21,128 I mean, you know, who in his right mind would put up with somebody 208 00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:23,530 who drives him crazy for all those years? 209 00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:32,472 I mean, it would be different if they were related. 210 00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,510 * Men. * 211 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:43,083 Oh, yeah. Barrel of monkeys. 212 00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:45,318 I'm so excited about that big punch bowl. 213 00:09:45,385 --> 00:09:47,254 You know what would be really exciting? 214 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,356 Next time you ask me to go shopping with you, 215 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:52,025 use it to cave in my skull. 216 00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:54,261 (surfing music plays) 217 00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:59,299 What the hell is this? 218 00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:01,134 Oh, look who's here. 219 00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:03,203 Hey, dude, party down. 220 00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:06,974 What are you doing? 221 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,575 We invited a few friends over. 222 00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,343 You don't have any friends. 223 00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:11,979 Yeah, but Melissa does. 224 00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:13,947 So now they're mine, too. 225 00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:15,849 They don't really like you. 226 00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:17,317 They do, too. 227 00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:19,352 Dream on, meat puppet. 228 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,189 Who said you could have a party? 229 00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:24,357 I'm sorry. I thought we lived here. 230 00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:26,459 Must we check with you about everything we do? 231 00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:28,829 Yes! 232 00:10:28,896 --> 00:10:31,431 What's that guy drinking? 233 00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:32,766 Is that my grape soda? 234 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,601 It was on our shelf. 235 00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:35,969 What'd I tell ya? 236 00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:39,372 Okay, that's it. Charlie... 237 00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:41,374 No-no-no. No, no, this is not acceptable. 238 00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:43,276 Hey, everybody! 239 00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:45,946 Everybody listen up. 240 00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:47,014 (music stops) 241 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,182 Party's over. 242 00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:52,319 Pack up your crap and get out. 243 00:10:56,556 --> 00:10:58,325 I'm not kidding! 244 00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:02,362 One. 245 00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:03,864 I'm counting to three, by the way. 246 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,367 Two. 247 00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:10,137 Ah, screw it. 248 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:11,839 I'll leave. 249 00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:12,973 Charlie. 250 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,374 Forget it. I'm out of here. 251 00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:20,147 (crowd chatter) 252 00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:22,850 * Men. 253 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:27,420 * Men. 254 00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:29,689 Okay, I think you're really overreacting, 255 00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:34,094 but if you want to spend the night at a hotel, fine. 256 00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:38,465 No, I will not come over there for a quickie. 257 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,868 Good-bye, Charlie. 258 00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:42,903 He just needs to cool off. 259 00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:46,539 We're really sorry, Chelsea. 260 00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:47,140 before inviting our friends over. 261 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,042 Your friends? 262 00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,612 Maybe we just need some kind of system 263 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:55,348 where we give each other a heads up about guests. 264 00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:56,483 That's a great idea. 265 00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:57,885 Excuse me. 266 00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:00,854 Since when do you two call the shots around here? 267 00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:02,555 What are you talking about? 268 00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:04,724 (scoffs) 269 00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:07,694 All right, ladies, 270 00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:10,263 let's make something very clear. 271 00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:14,835 that needs to be honored. 272 00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:15,969 Oh, really? 273 00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:17,537 And what might that be? 274 00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:18,671 Wow. 275 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:19,639 (laughs) 276 00:12:19,706 --> 00:12:21,708 Do I have to spell it out? 277 00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:23,143 Please do. 278 00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:25,312 Fine. 279 00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:29,049 When Charlie is not here, I am in charge. 280 00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:39,659 That's okay, isn't it? 281 00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:43,263 * Men. 282 00:12:43,330 --> 00:12:45,498 (indistinct voices on TV) 283 00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:47,634 (knocking) 284 00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:48,802 Yeah? 285 00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:50,370 ALAN (in goofy voice): Room service. 286 00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:02,349 Guess who got himself kicked out of the house. 287 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:04,885 Ow! Ow! 288 00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:07,120 Cut it out! Cut it out! 289 00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:11,624 What are you doing here, Alan? 290 00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:13,593 Honestly, I didn't have any place else to go. 291 00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:15,996 Yeah, well, I got news for you. You still don't. 292 00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:20,167 Oh, come on, Charlie. 293 00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:22,802 I know, I know. I might have crossed a bit of a line. 294 00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:25,572 A bit of a line? 295 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,807 You moved your girlfriend into my house without telling me. 296 00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:30,110 You invited strangers over without my permission. 297 00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:32,312 And then, then, to add insult to injury, 298 00:13:32,379 --> 00:13:35,215 you show up here with your ugly friggin' dummy?! 299 00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:36,283 Did you hear that? 300 00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:38,518 He called you ugly. 301 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:42,222 Good-bye, Alan. 302 00:13:42,289 --> 00:13:44,491 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 303 00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:45,525 I... 304 00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:47,160 I brought a peace offering. 305 00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:49,429 That's my ten-year-old Scotch! 306 00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:50,297 No, it's not. 307 00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:51,664 Yes, it is. 308 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,335 I saw him take it. Oh! 309 00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:58,105 Damn it, Danny, what is wrong with you? 310 00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:02,809 What's wrong with me? 311 00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:05,678 All right, all right, enough. Enough. 312 00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:08,048 If I'm gonna drink scotch, 313 00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:09,116 I'm gonna need ice. 314 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:10,583 There's a machine down the hall. 315 00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:12,652 Be right back. 316 00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:22,162 Yeah, like I don't have ice. 317 00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:26,066 * Men. * 318 00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:34,674 Thanks for letting me back in. 319 00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:36,876 You were crying in the hallway. 320 00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:41,781 The other guests complained. 321 00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:44,884 Still, it's very considerate of you. 322 00:14:44,952 --> 00:14:47,087 Shut up and drink my scotch. 323 00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:50,590 Cheers. 324 00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:52,792 Bite me. 325 00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:56,896 This is kind of fun, though. 326 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,769 Swell. 327 00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:06,373 Remember that time Mom took us on that Caribbean cruise? 328 00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:07,274 We had our own cabin. 329 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:08,541 Yeah. 330 00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:11,211 Took us three days to figure out Mom was on another boat. 331 00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:16,649 Good times. Mmm. 332 00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:21,354 We've lost our house, Charlie. 333 00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:27,560 Your house. 334 00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:28,895 We've lost your house. 335 00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:31,264 I know. 336 00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:32,465 How did this happen? 337 00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:35,402 Slowly. 338 00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:37,704 In increments. 339 00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,506 Starting with the butter. 340 00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:42,775 I can see that now. 341 00:15:42,842 --> 00:15:45,245 The problem is, the women have established a beachhead. 342 00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:46,379 (chuckling) 343 00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,315 What? 344 00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:49,882 Nothing. Nothing. 345 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:53,253 You just reminded me why I bought a house in Malibu. 346 00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:58,791 The thing is, 347 00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:00,760 I don't mind that. 348 00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:02,662 No, no, we need a plan. 349 00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:04,231 We need to figure out some way 350 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,066 to drive a wedge between those two. 351 00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:07,134 You know, divide and conquer. 352 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,601 Oh, yeah, but how? 353 00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:11,104 I'm not sure. 354 00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,672 Maybe we should sleep on it. 355 00:16:14,274 --> 00:16:16,243 Want to watch some porn first? 356 00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:20,413 No. 357 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,383 Why not? 358 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:28,921 I'm drunk in bed in a hotel room with my brother, 359 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:32,259 and you want to know why I don't want to watch porn? 360 00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:36,229 Okay. Okay, I get it. 361 00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:38,465 You don't want to watch porn. 362 00:16:48,275 --> 00:16:50,543 Mind if I watch? 363 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,782 (Danny screaming) 364 00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,552 * Men. * 365 00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:01,421 So they both just up and left, huh? 366 00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:02,289 Yeah. Uh-huh. 367 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:05,024 Those boneless chickens. 368 00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:09,028 They'll be back. 369 00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:09,929 Damn right. 370 00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:11,664 Girl power, my bitches. 371 00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:15,335 Hey, Berta, why don't you whip us up 372 00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:16,936 some French toast to celebrate? 373 00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:24,577 Or, uh, we could do it. 374 00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,979 Good plan... 375 00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,548 my bitches. 376 00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:32,552 (door closes) EVELYN: Hello, anybody home? 377 00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:34,421 In here. 378 00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:36,289 Oh, what a nice surprise. 379 00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:38,158 Good morning, ladies. 380 00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:40,160 Berta. 381 00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:42,195 Botox. 382 00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:45,365 So where are the boys this morning? 383 00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:49,236 Oh, well, Charlie's off sulking in a hotel. 384 00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:50,537 Oh, really? 385 00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:51,971 Well, what about Alan? 386 00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:54,774 Oh, Alan's too cheap for a hotel. 387 00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:57,310 I see. And what brought this on? 388 00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:58,945 A lot of macho nonsense. 389 00:17:59,011 --> 00:18:01,648 Mm, and Alan? 390 00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:03,983 Just nonsense. 391 00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:08,087 No kidding. 392 00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:11,758 Thank you. Thank you. 393 00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:15,027 have managed to put aside your somewhat distasteful history 394 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,130 and bond the way you obviously have. 395 00:18:17,197 --> 00:18:18,531 What distasteful history? 396 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,801 Oh, come on, let them make my breakfast first. 397 00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:23,803 What are you talking about, Evelyn? 398 00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:27,407 A lot of women might resent the former lover of their fiancé 399 00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:29,676 living in the same house as them. 400 00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:33,580 It ain't me, start cooking. 401 00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:35,782 You and Charlie? 402 00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,250 Just one little weekend. 403 00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:39,586 But believe me, if I knew what kind of man he was, 404 00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:40,920 I never would have let him touch me. 405 00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,289 What's that supposed to mean? 406 00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:43,423 Oh, he's fine for you. 407 00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:44,757 Fine for me?! 408 00:18:44,824 --> 00:18:46,593 Well, I've got an early meeting. 409 00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:49,662 Nice to see you girls. 410 00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:50,830 Why didn't you tell me?! 411 00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:51,998 I thought you were my friend! 412 00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:53,533 MELISSA: I'm your friend?! 413 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,168 (arguing continues) 414 00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:58,405 CHELSEA: Hey, if it weren't for me, 415 00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:01,741 I believe the balance of power is restored. 416 00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,510 Thanks, Mom. 417 00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:04,844 Thank you. 418 00:19:07,046 --> 00:19:09,449 You owe me large. 419 00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:13,486 * Men. * 420 00:19:15,388 --> 00:19:18,625 * Men. * 421 00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:24,564 but if you want to spend the night in a hotel 422 00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:28,601 that's fine. 423 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:31,238 Kidding. Love you. 424 00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:32,305 Damn. 425 00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:34,341 Hey, at least Chelsea's coming back. 426 00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:36,909 Melissa said she'll never set foot in this house again. 427 00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:39,679 All's well that ends well, huh? 428 00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:43,049 Bite me. 429 00:19:47,487 --> 00:19:50,823 Oh, come on, the important thing is, we got the house back. 430 00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:53,125 And we're once again kings of the castle. 431 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,361 That's true. 432 00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:56,095 Hey, Celeste and I are going to be 433 00:19:56,162 --> 00:19:57,764 studying in my room. Okay. 434 00:19:57,830 --> 00:20:00,099 Oh, right. 435 00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:01,334 Set another place for dinner. 436 00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:02,602 She's going to be joining us. 437 00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:05,405 Fine. 438 00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:09,276 Also, she's a vegetarian, so no meat. 439 00:20:09,342 --> 00:20:10,777 Got it. 440 00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,011 Come on, Jake. 441 00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:14,213 Coming. 442 00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:17,984 Kings of the castle, my ass. 443 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:20,219 We're whipped unto the third generation.