1 00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:02,970 Previously on: 2 00:00:03,037 --> 00:00:04,272 So, how's Charlie doing? 3 00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:05,339 Oh, he's fine. 4 00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:06,574 Uh, actually, he's engaged. 5 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:08,008 You told her I was engaged? 6 00:00:08,076 --> 00:00:09,443 Why the hell would you do that?! 7 00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,979 Charlie, there's a woman named Mia on the phone. 8 00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:13,114 (toilet flushes) 9 00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:15,015 I'll take it. 10 00:00:15,083 --> 00:00:17,017 MIA: Hi, Charlie. 11 00:00:19,087 --> 00:00:20,921 Mia. 12 00:00:20,988 --> 00:00:22,090 * Men. 13 00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:26,594 So, how are you? 14 00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,329 Great. How are you? 15 00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:29,830 Fine, fine. 16 00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:31,365 Still engaged. 17 00:00:33,501 --> 00:00:35,303 Come, sit, join us. 18 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:36,904 Are you sure I'm not interrupting? 19 00:00:36,970 --> 00:00:38,706 No, no, of course not. 20 00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:40,308 Yeah, his fiancée just left. 21 00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:43,244 Oh, I'm sorry I missed her. 22 00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:44,345 Oh, I bet she's still out in the parking lot. 23 00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:45,279 I'll go get her. 24 00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:47,481 So... 25 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,317 what's going on with you these days? You still dancing? 26 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,619 Not so much. I'm a little old for ballet now. 27 00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:53,154 Oh, that can't be right. 28 00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:54,322 You look great. 29 00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:58,025 Young and vibrant and... taut. 30 00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:00,828 You know who else has a great body? 31 00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,029 Charlie's fiancée. 32 00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:02,963 In fact, 33 00:01:03,030 --> 00:01:05,065 Charlie calls her boobalicious. 34 00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:08,469 I'm really happy you found somebody, Charlie. 35 00:01:08,536 --> 00:01:09,970 Thank you. She's great. 36 00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:10,971 Really, really great. 37 00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:12,506 Boobalicious. 38 00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:16,910 So if you're not dancing, what are you up to? 39 00:01:16,977 --> 00:01:19,413 Well, believe it or not, I'm trying for a singing career. 40 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,282 No kidding. That's terrific. 41 00:01:21,349 --> 00:01:23,151 You know who's a wonderful singer? 42 00:01:23,217 --> 00:01:24,618 Charlie's fiancée? 43 00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:27,721 Uh, actually, I was gonna say Ms. Celine Dion. 44 00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:30,991 I have no idea about Chelsea. 45 00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:33,327 Although she does have a set of lungs on her. 46 00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:35,963 Right. 47 00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:38,466 So listen, I'm putting together a demo of some songs. 48 00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:40,701 Any chance you could help me with the arrangements, 49 00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:41,702 maybe play piano? 50 00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:43,804 Oh, wow. 51 00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:45,506 That sounds like fun. 52 00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:49,977 It's just, you know, kind of awkward 'cause, you know... 53 00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:51,512 He's getting married. 54 00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:55,449 Maybe I can find you somebody else. 55 00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:57,651 That'd be terrific. Let me give you my number. 56 00:01:57,718 --> 00:02:00,020 Are you still at 696-336-725? 57 00:02:00,087 --> 00:02:02,190 Yeah, I can't believe you remember it. 58 00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:04,292 Well, I have a little memory trick. 59 00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:05,959 If you change the numbers to letters, 60 00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:08,095 it spells out "oxofempal." 61 00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:10,464 Oh, good trick. 62 00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:13,601 I should get going. 63 00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:14,835 Wonderful to see you again. 64 00:02:14,902 --> 00:02:16,069 Same here. 65 00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:16,937 You too, Alan. 66 00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:17,838 Bye-bye. 67 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:21,909 Charlie? 68 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,076 Yeah? 69 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,978 I've missed you. 70 00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,990 Oxofempal? 71 00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:42,996 Hot, hot, hot! Ow! 72 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,136 You have to dial one first. 73 00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:51,439 Captioning sponsored by CBS 74 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,707 WARNER BROS. TELEVISION 75 00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:56,544 and VOLKSWAGEN. It's what the people want. 76 00:02:57,711 --> 00:02:59,380 * Men... 77 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:04,285 Hey, Berta, what do you know about Percocet? 78 00:03:04,352 --> 00:03:06,520 I know three of them with a Mickey's big mouth 79 00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:10,391 can make you run buck naked through a Taco Bell. 80 00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:11,725 Why do you ask? 81 00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:14,528 Well, my mom says Grandma Lenore can't hold the new baby 82 00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:16,096 until she stops popping them. 83 00:03:16,163 --> 00:03:18,165 That's probably a good idea. 84 00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:21,469 You drop one kid, you gain a reputation as a kid dropper. 85 00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:24,505 So how do you like having a new baby sister? 86 00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:26,607 Well, she eats, she sleeps, she poops. 87 00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:29,343 So far I'm not impressed. 88 00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:33,614 Give her a bad haircut and she'd be you. 89 00:03:33,681 --> 00:03:37,318 Excuse me, but I paid nine bucks for this haircut. 90 00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:38,819 Sorry. 91 00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:42,356 Besides, the baby doesn't look anything like me. 92 00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:45,092 In fact, she doesn't look like my mom or my stepdad either. 93 00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:47,027 Who does she look like? 94 00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:50,864 Kind of like a girl version of my dad. 95 00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:55,269 I thought your dad was the girl version of your dad. 96 00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:59,673 I'm telling you, Charlie, it's a bad idea. 97 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:00,908 What's the big deal? 98 00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:02,610 I'm just gonna find her a piano player. 99 00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,745 Oh, come on, I saw the way you looked at her. 100 00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:06,980 You say "piano player," but you mean organist. 101 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:09,617 Oh, that's ridiculous. 102 00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:10,618 I'm engaged to Chelsea. 103 00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:11,419 I'm living with Chelsea. 104 00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:12,620 I'm in love with Chelsea. 105 00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:13,921 What's Chelsea's phone number? 106 00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:15,289 What? 107 00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:16,557 What does it spell? 108 00:04:16,624 --> 00:04:18,091 You know, your little memory trick. 109 00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:20,594 Oh, uh... 110 00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:23,964 it's... jklpuzo. 111 00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:25,299 Really? 112 00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:27,335 Let's, uh, let's test it out. 113 00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:31,171 Uh, is that, uh, 818-jklpuzo 114 00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:34,408 or, uh, 310-jklpuzo? 115 00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:35,909 All right, all right, I-I made it up. 116 00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:38,211 But I don't have to call Chelsea; she lives here. 117 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,047 You don't have to call Mia either. 118 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,248 Oh, yeah? 119 00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:42,650 Well, what about you and Melissa? 120 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:43,817 What does that have to do with anything? Nothing! 121 00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:45,786 I'm changing the subject to your peccadilloes. 122 00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:49,490 You were banging Melissa in the hospital storage closet 123 00:04:49,557 --> 00:04:51,625 while your ex-wife was giving birth to your daughter! 124 00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:53,494 We don't know she's my daughter. 125 00:04:53,561 --> 00:04:55,696 Who's your daughter? 126 00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:01,835 You're my daughter, I'm your daughter! 127 00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:05,305 This whole court is out of daughter! 128 00:05:06,374 --> 00:05:08,409 Al Pacino? 129 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:10,578 Great movie. 130 00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:13,514 Hoo-ah! 131 00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:16,016 See that one? 132 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,654 That was close. 133 00:05:20,721 --> 00:05:22,289 Good thing he's slow. 134 00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:25,959 Yeah, well, Judith's mom dropped him when he was a baby. 135 00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:29,397 * Men. 136 00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:32,800 (both panting) 137 00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:35,536 Wow. 138 00:05:35,603 --> 00:05:38,572 Yeah. 139 00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:41,709 What brought that on? 140 00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:45,913 You're the one who started talking dirty. 141 00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:48,081 All I said is, "What'd you do today?" 142 00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:51,385 There you go again, you nasty girl. 143 00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:55,355 Okay, seriously, what did you do today? 144 00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:58,459 Nothing. 145 00:05:58,526 --> 00:06:00,561 Just a regular day. 146 00:06:00,628 --> 00:06:03,397 Had coffee with you, hung out with Alan a little bit, 147 00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:06,333 then came home, had a drink, took a nap, 148 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:07,901 next thing I know you're walking in 149 00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:09,437 the front door with your whore talk. 150 00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:12,840 All right, whatever. 151 00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:15,543 Oh, yeah, there was one other thing. 152 00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:16,944 Really? 153 00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:18,912 Yeah, I ran into an old buddy. 154 00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:20,113 What's her name? 155 00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:21,014 Her? 156 00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:23,784 Why do you assume it's a her? 157 00:06:23,851 --> 00:06:25,018 When you've seen one of your old guy friends, 158 00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:28,088 you don't try to hump me into a coma. 159 00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:30,591 Fair point. 160 00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:32,826 It was Mia. 161 00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:35,563 Mia, the old buddy you almost married? 162 00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,230 Yeah. 163 00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:40,534 And? 164 00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,202 And nothing. 165 00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,505 Well, she did ask me if 166 00:06:44,572 --> 00:06:46,373 I'd help her out with this music thing she's doing. 167 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,241 But I said no. How come? 168 00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:50,678 I thought it'd be inappropriate. 169 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,613 Why? You still have feelings for her? 170 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:53,481 (chuckles) 171 00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:55,282 No, no, of course not. 172 00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:56,784 Then why wouldn't you help her out? 173 00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:58,686 What? 174 00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,688 I mean, if she's just a friend, 175 00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,490 then why would it be inappropriate? 176 00:07:05,392 --> 00:07:06,560 Okay. 177 00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:10,898 Uh, no reason. 178 00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:13,601 So you're saying I should help her out? 179 00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,368 Unless you still have feelings for her. 180 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,971 I guess I'll help her. 181 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:19,106 Good. 182 00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:21,341 Good. 183 00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:25,913 Or bad. 184 00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:31,519 Probably bad. 185 00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:34,121 I'm gonna go with bad. 186 00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:36,089 * Men. 187 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:39,893 Hi, Charlie! 188 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,228 We were just having a little 189 00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,063 moonlight skinny dip in the ocean. 190 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,364 Good thinking. 191 00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:46,133 Nothing more romantic than seaweed 192 00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:48,135 hanging from a cold, shriveled penis. 193 00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:50,538 There's no seaweed-- 194 00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:52,540 Oh, my... 195 00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:56,877 Don't put it on the table! 196 00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:59,012 Sorry. 197 00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:01,749 Alan, what do you say we take a hot shower 198 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:04,685 and un-shrink the Snuffleupagus? (chuckles) 199 00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:06,153 He'll be fine. 200 00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:08,255 It's Bert and Ernie I'm worried about. 201 00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:10,357 I think Bert has ascended to my rib cage. 202 00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:12,092 You go ahead. I'll be right there. 203 00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,426 Okey-doke. Okay. 204 00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:18,431 Hey, uh, can I ask you something? 205 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:21,201 I am not gonna help you find your missing testicle. 206 00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:23,103 No, no, it's about Melissa. 207 00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:24,504 What about her? 208 00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:26,707 Well, now that we're seeing each other again, 209 00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:27,908 the fact that she still lives with her mom 210 00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:28,942 presents kind of a problem. 211 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,010 Why? 212 00:08:30,077 --> 00:08:32,980 'Cause you tickled mom's Elmo? 213 00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:35,148 It was just light necking. 214 00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:37,017 I never touched her Elmo. 215 00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:38,385 Anyway, 216 00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:39,720 since you set the precedent 217 00:08:39,787 --> 00:08:41,254 of having girlfriends move in here, 218 00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:41,655 uh, I was wondering if maybe... 219 00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:42,756 No. 220 00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:45,058 Why not? 221 00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,326 You let Chelsea move in. 222 00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:47,995 It's my house. 223 00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:49,663 You are a guest. 224 00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:52,966 And by "guest," I mean leech I tolerate until our mother dies 225 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,968 and she can't lay a guilt trip on me 226 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,670 for kicking your ass to the curb. 227 00:08:56,737 --> 00:08:58,271 You're gonna kick me out when Mom dies? 228 00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:00,774 You're planning on being here until Mom dies? 229 00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,943 Okay, okay, we're getting off subject. 230 00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:04,912 What about Jake? You let Jake move in. 231 00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:06,179 You're not helping your case here, Alan. 232 00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:06,880 But I'm just saying... 233 00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:08,081 I said no! 234 00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:15,022 Hmm. Hey, Bert, welcome back. 235 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,226 * Men. 236 00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,428 (playing "You'll Never Find") 237 00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:31,171 * You'll never find * 238 00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:35,075 * As long as you live * 239 00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:37,444 * Someone who loves you * 240 00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:41,715 * Tender like I do 241 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:47,688 * You'll never find * 242 00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:51,625 * No matter where you search * 243 00:09:51,692 --> 00:09:53,861 (voice cracks): * Someone who cares about you * 244 00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:58,431 * The way I do 245 00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:03,971 * Whoa, I'm not bragging on myself, baby * 246 00:10:04,037 --> 00:10:05,873 * 'Cause I'm the one who loves you * 247 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:08,008 (off-key): * And there's no one else * 248 00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:12,646 * No... one else. 249 00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:20,587 That's a pretty mouth, but it ain't made for singing. 250 00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:21,789 What's it made for? 251 00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:23,590 Eating. 252 00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:24,792 Oh. 253 00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:26,860 I thought maybe she meant oral sex. 254 00:10:28,896 --> 00:10:30,998 (off-key): * You're gonna miss my lovin' * 255 00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:36,804 * You're gonna miss, miss, miss my love. * 256 00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:37,938 (piano stops) 257 00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:40,741 So? 258 00:10:40,808 --> 00:10:43,310 Wow. 259 00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:45,412 You want to run it again? I don't. 260 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,783 I mean, there's a danger of over-rehearsing it. 261 00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:51,651 Yeah. Plus I kind of nailed it, right? 262 00:10:51,719 --> 00:10:54,654 I don't see it getting any better. 263 00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:56,924 That is so sweet, Charlie. 264 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,058 Thank you. 265 00:10:58,125 --> 00:11:00,560 I don't know how I'd do this without you. 266 00:11:00,627 --> 00:11:02,195 Hey, I don't deserve any credit. 267 00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,496 God gave you that voice. 268 00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:05,899 I had nothing to do with it. 269 00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:07,868 Oh, hello. 270 00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:09,536 Oh, hey, hi! 271 00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:11,638 There she is! 272 00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:14,007 Chelsea, this is Mia. Mia, this is Chelsea. 273 00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:15,075 Hi. Hi! 274 00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:16,409 We were just rehearsing. 275 00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:18,411 Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. 276 00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:20,948 What? No-no, no, there's nothing to interrupt. 277 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,415 She's singing, I'm playing piano, 278 00:11:22,482 --> 00:11:24,885 Alan, Berta and Jake are right there in the kitchen. 279 00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:25,819 Guys, Chelsea's home. 280 00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:27,387 ALL (flatly): Yay. 281 00:11:28,722 --> 00:11:30,357 I should get going. Good. 282 00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:33,093 I mean, you don't have to, but good. 283 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,162 Rehearsal was good. 284 00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:37,364 You've got yourself a terrific guy here. 285 00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:38,398 I know. Nice to meet you. 286 00:11:38,465 --> 00:11:39,733 Nice to meet you, too. 287 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:40,400 I'll see you Saturday at the studio? 288 00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:41,969 You bet. 289 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:43,070 * You'll never find... * 290 00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:45,105 No, no, save your voice. 291 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,044 Yikes. 292 00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:52,312 So, how'd it go? 293 00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:55,582 Well, uh, how can I put this? 294 00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,885 She's the picture you stick on the cover 295 00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:00,788 of an album by a fat girl who can actually sing. 296 00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:02,089 That's not what I mean. 297 00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:05,558 Were there any, you know, sparks? 298 00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:08,061 No, no sparks. 299 00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:09,462 Why would there be sparks? 300 00:12:09,529 --> 00:12:11,664 I'm with you. We're engaged. 301 00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:12,833 We're gonna be married. 302 00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:15,402 You and me, that's the sparks... 303 00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:17,237 baby. 304 00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:21,909 Relax, Charlie, I trust you. 305 00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:29,182 Okay, lady, you're really starting to piss me off. 306 00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,018 * Men. 307 00:12:35,222 --> 00:12:37,757 No problem, Charlie, as long as you're willing 308 00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:40,393 to pay my weekend rates. 309 00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:41,929 You've got weekend rates? 310 00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:44,197 Yep, and you probably don't want to waste time haggling. 311 00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:48,568 Now, what's the big emergency? 312 00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:50,437 Well, you might not think it's a big emergency, 313 00:12:50,503 --> 00:12:51,839 but trust me, it is. 314 00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:52,906 Okay. 315 00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:56,243 I'm really constipated. 316 00:12:56,309 --> 00:13:01,048 You do realize which end of the body I specialize in? 317 00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,382 I know, I know, I'm not here for an enema. 318 00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:04,617 Good, because that couch isn't Scotchguarded. 319 00:13:04,684 --> 00:13:10,223 I'm thinking it's psychosomatic 'cause I've tried coffee, 320 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:14,661 fiber, laxatives and something my housekeeper said was 321 00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:19,199 a suppository, but I now suspect was a practical joke. 322 00:13:19,266 --> 00:13:24,404 All right, so psychosomatic constipation. 323 00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:25,505 Good name for rock band, huh? 324 00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:27,841 Weekend rates, Charlie. 325 00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:30,777 Tell me what's going on in your life. 326 00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,779 How are things with you and your fiancé? 327 00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:34,848 Great, great! She lives with me now. 328 00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,483 We're planning the wedding. Couldn't be better. 329 00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:38,018 Good. And how's work? 330 00:13:38,085 --> 00:13:40,387 Well, it's been pretty slow, 331 00:13:40,453 --> 00:13:41,989 but thankfully, the house is paid off, 332 00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:45,258 my pension is funded, and I've given up prostitutes. 333 00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,160 So, really, all I need is drinking money, 334 00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:49,196 and what's that, a couple grand a month? 335 00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:51,198 That sounds about right. 336 00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:53,766 Hey, do you remember Mia? 337 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,102 Your ex-fiancé the dancer. 338 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,603 Wow, you remember. 339 00:13:56,669 --> 00:14:00,140 I'm not sitting here sketching ponies, Charlie. 340 00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:03,810 Anyway, I ran into her. 341 00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:05,412 Really? And how'd that go? 342 00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:07,547 Fine, fine. She looks great, 343 00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:09,816 she's single again, told me she missed me. 344 00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:10,450 Uh-huh. 345 00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:11,952 I always dig that. 346 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,355 Then she asked me if I could help her out 347 00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:17,524 with this music project, and I said no. 348 00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:19,192 But then Chelsea said 349 00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:21,962 if I didn't still have feelings for her, why not do it? 350 00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:23,030 So I did it. 351 00:14:23,096 --> 00:14:23,931 Interesting. 352 00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:25,432 When did all this happen? 353 00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:26,766 Three of four days ago. 354 00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:30,203 And how long have you been constipated? 355 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,539 I don't know. Three, four days. 356 00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:37,044 Hey, you think there's a connection? 357 00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:38,545 I'm leaning that way. 358 00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:39,879 Look, Charlie, 359 00:14:39,947 --> 00:14:41,881 you obviously still have feelings for Mia, 360 00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:43,683 and yet you're committed to Chelsea. 361 00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:45,052 It's an emotional conflict, 362 00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:46,719 and until you resolve that conflict, 363 00:14:46,786 --> 00:14:49,022 you're going to be physically blocked. 364 00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,257 English, please? 365 00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:53,293 As soon as you pick one, you can go two. 366 00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:58,731 What happens if I can't pick? 367 00:14:58,798 --> 00:15:00,767 I don't know. C-section? 368 00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:05,172 * Men. 369 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:08,241 Anyway, she said I have to resolve the conflict 370 00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:10,343 because my emotions are strongly connected 371 00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:11,644 to my lower intestine. 372 00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:13,680 That makes a certain amount of sense. 373 00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:16,849 You think with your penis, and your head's up your ass. 374 00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:21,121 (gasps) The baby just came! 375 00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:23,156 Baby? 376 00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,158 Well, it's not technically a baby, 377 00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:27,494 but we know it's gonna look like you. 378 00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:29,929 Hey, Charlie 379 00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:31,531 Hey. 380 00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:37,704 What's she still doing here? 381 00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,506 Not still. She went away, she came back. 382 00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:40,873 She's not moving in, Alan. 383 00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,675 Of course not. You said no, it's no. 384 00:15:42,742 --> 00:15:44,077 We're out of milk, sweetie. 385 00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:44,577 I'm gonna run to the market. 386 00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:45,445 Okay. 387 00:15:49,082 --> 00:15:51,084 She likes milk. 388 00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:53,420 So how are you gonna resolve your conflict? 389 00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:54,921 I'm not sure. 390 00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:56,656 I may have to sleep with Mia. 391 00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:58,291 What?! 392 00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:00,593 Okay, here's the deal. 393 00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,529 (groans) 394 00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:05,132 If I back out of the recording session with Mia, 395 00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:07,700 Chelsea will think I still have feelings for her. 396 00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:08,568 All right. 397 00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:09,836 However, if I spend 398 00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:11,604 any more time with Mia without sleeping with her, 399 00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,973 I'm gonna split open like a roasted pistachio. 400 00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:15,275 Nobody wants that! 401 00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:17,677 Charlie, cheating on Chelsea makes 402 00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,146 absolutely no sense whatsoever. 403 00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:20,513 That's what I thought, 404 00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:23,083 but my shrink was pretty adamant. 405 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:29,522 Just promise if anything happens to me, 406 00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:32,459 you'll raise it as your own. 407 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,228 * Men. 408 00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:37,730 (funky R&B playing) 409 00:16:37,797 --> 00:16:41,568 (off-key): * Down in Louisiana 410 00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:44,071 * Where the alligators grow so mean * 411 00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:47,707 * Lived a girl that I swear to the world * 412 00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:51,044 * Made the alligators look tame * 413 00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:54,381 * Poke salad Annie 414 00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:57,284 I know, I know it's hard to believe 415 00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:58,618 I'm not banging her. 416 00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:01,788 Then why are we here? 417 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:04,557 She's an old friend. I'm helping her out. 418 00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:05,792 You really want to help her out? 419 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,327 Sneak up behind her with a big rock. 420 00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:09,996 (groaning) 421 00:17:10,063 --> 00:17:11,331 Detox? 422 00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:13,466 No, constipated. 423 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,635 'Cause you're detoxing? 424 00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:17,770 Can we just do this? 425 00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:18,405 Fine. 426 00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:20,073 (volume increases) 427 00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:25,112 * 'Cause your mama was working on the chain gang * 428 00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:27,114 * Poke 429 00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:29,249 * Salad. 430 00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:31,251 (song ends) 431 00:17:31,318 --> 00:17:33,386 (sighs) That one felt really good. 432 00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:34,687 Okay, help me understand something. 433 00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:36,456 You're hoping to bang her, right? 434 00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:41,928 Can I hear a little? 435 00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:48,501 Sure. Play it back. 436 00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:55,575 * Down in Louisiana 437 00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:56,809 That's me? 438 00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:57,977 That's you. 439 00:17:58,044 --> 00:17:59,979 * Where the alligators grow so mean * 440 00:18:00,046 --> 00:18:04,717 Wow. I had no idea I was so good. 441 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:11,124 Oh, Charlie, I'm so happy! 442 00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:15,195 Oh, well, if you're happy, I'm happy. 443 00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:18,431 Why did I ever let you go? 444 00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:21,301 If I recall, you had a list of reasons. 445 00:18:21,368 --> 00:18:22,602 Well, I was wrong. 446 00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:24,504 How can I make it up to you? 447 00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:27,640 Um, how do you want to make it up to me? 448 00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:31,611 Wow. 449 00:18:33,012 --> 00:18:35,148 There it is. 450 00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:39,919 Let's do this last track, and then we can go back to my place. 451 00:18:43,323 --> 00:18:44,624 (door closes) 452 00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:47,026 Maybe we can sweeten her vocals with some reverb, 453 00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:49,362 a little echo, lay a little guitar over it? 454 00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:51,831 We can lay car horns and barking dogs over it. 455 00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:54,000 It won't help. 456 00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:58,571 I'm ready. 457 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,107 Just relax and feel the groove, okay? 458 00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:02,375 I got it. 459 00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:06,746 Okay, this is "Boogie-woogie Bugle Boy." 460 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,848 Take one. 461 00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:13,486 (trumpets play intro) 462 00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:15,054 (off-key): * He was a famous trumpet man * 463 00:19:15,121 --> 00:19:16,756 * From out Chicago way 464 00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,392 * He had a boogie style that no one else could play, whoo! * 465 00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:21,361 * He was the top man at his craft * 466 00:19:21,428 --> 00:19:24,997 * And then his number came up, and he was going to the draft * 467 00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:27,166 * He's in the army now, blowing reveille * 468 00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:29,702 * He's the boogie-woogie bugle boy of Company B * 469 00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:30,837 Okay, Mia, hold it, 470 00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:31,871 hold it a sec. 471 00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:33,105 Is something wrong? 472 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:37,910 Yeah, kind of. You can't sing. 473 00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:39,011 What? 474 00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:40,480 You got no talent. 475 00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:43,350 I'm sorry, but we're both wasting our time here. 476 00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:44,617 I love Chelsea. 477 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:47,687 I'm gonna marry her, and I can't see you anymore. 478 00:19:47,754 --> 00:19:49,188 Are you kidding? 479 00:19:49,256 --> 00:19:52,925 You can't just walk out on me! You... 480 00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:54,060 Where's the bathroom? 481 00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:55,428 Down the hall. 482 00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:56,229 Thanks. 483 00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:58,431 No,thank you. 484 00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:02,369 I should have known this would happen, 485 00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:04,271 you lowlife son of a bitch! 486 00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:06,673 Uh, the lowlife son of a bitch is gone, 487 00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:08,708 but I think you have a real gift, 488 00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:10,777 and we should work together. 489 00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:15,515 Oh, you gotta be kidding me. 490 00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:20,320 You might want to give it a minute. 491 00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:23,189 You were in there with your guitar? 492 00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:25,692 You never know when inspiration might strike. 493 00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:35,735 That's called "Two Burritos and a Root Beer Float." 494 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,509 * Men. 495 00:20:44,176 --> 00:20:45,512 * Men. 496 00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:48,315 Hey, how's the intestines? 497 00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:51,284 Clean as a whistle. 498 00:20:51,351 --> 00:20:53,920 It's the city's problem now. 499 00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:59,225 (laughs) 500 00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:01,193 Yeah, ha-ha, very funny. 501 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:05,365 What was in that so-called suppository you gave me, anyway? 502 00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:09,235 Half a tab of Alka-Seltzer crushed up in a gel cap. 503 00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:14,006 Oh. Well, that explains the foam. 504 00:21:14,073 --> 00:21:15,642 Well, I'm off to work. 505 00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:17,276 Oh, have a good day, sweetie. 506 00:21:17,344 --> 00:21:18,845 I'll be home around 6:30. Okay. 507 00:21:20,347 --> 00:21:21,247 Alan? 508 00:21:21,314 --> 00:21:22,315 She's not living here. 509 00:21:22,382 --> 00:21:23,750 Just checking. 510 00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,620 And he calls me stupid.