1
00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:03,771
* Men. *

2
00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:05,606
ALAN:
Fade in.

3
00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:08,042
Exterior--night.

4
00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:09,710
A dark, desolate prairie.

5
00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:12,246
A lone cowboy sits
on a sturdy horse,

6
00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:13,881
gazing up at the moon.

7
00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:17,151
Suddenly, a flash of light
appears in the sky,

8
00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:20,321
and a burning meteor
plummets to the Earth.

9
00:00:23,891 --> 00:00:25,626
(typing)

10
00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:27,528
(sighs)

11
00:00:28,962 --> 00:00:30,064
Fade in.

12
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:31,732
Exterior-- night.

13
00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:34,102
New York City, Hell's Kitchen.

14
00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:36,237
A lone cop sits
in a patrol car,

15
00:00:36,304 --> 00:00:38,606
gazing up at the moon.

16
00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:45,746
Suddenly, a flash of light
appears in the sky,

17
00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:48,816
and a flaming meteor
plummets to the Earth.

18
00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:52,052
All right.

19
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:53,687
Now we're cooking.

20
00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:55,623
Alan?

21
00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:56,757
Mia?

22
00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:58,659
I thought that was you.

23
00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:00,461
What a nice surprise.

24
00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:02,830
Uh, didn't you move back
to New York with your husband?

25
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:05,266
We did, but then we split
up, and I came back here.

26
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:06,534
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

27
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,169
I mean, not that you moved
back here,

28
00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:09,203
but that it didn't work out.

29
00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:11,239
So, how's Charlie doing?

30
00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:12,540
Oh, he's fine.
Uh, actually,

31
00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:14,175
he's engaged,
if you can believe that.

32
00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:15,376
You're kidding.

33
00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:17,178
No, no, she moved in
and everything.

34
00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:18,646
Good for him.
Hmm!

35
00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:20,013
So, where are
you living now?

36
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:20,914
What do you mean?

37
00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:22,550
You know,

38
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:25,119
since Charlie's fiancée
moved in, I assumed...

39
00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:27,888
You look great, Alan.

40
00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:29,557
Thank you-- you, too.

41
00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:32,059
Please give Charlie my best.
Uh, will do.

42
00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:34,295
Bye-bye.
Bye.

43
00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:44,338
(typing)

44
00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:48,676
Fade in.

45
00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:50,478
Interior-- coffee shop.

46
00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:51,679
Night.

47
00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:53,614
An unconventionally
handsome man

48
00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:55,383
pounds away
at his lonely laptop,

49
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,618
writing the summer blockbuster
that will lift him

50
00:01:57,685 --> 00:02:00,888
from poverty and put him
in a home of his own.

51
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,125
A beautiful woman
crosses to him.

52
00:02:05,193 --> 00:02:07,561
Their eyes meet.

53
00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:15,903
Suddenly, a flash of light
appears in the sky,

54
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:19,207
and a flaming meteor
plummets to the Earth.

55
00:02:19,273 --> 00:02:22,210
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

56
00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:24,378
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.

57
00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:33,687
But I was looking forward
to having dinner with you.

58
00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:37,291
All right, I'll see you later.

59
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:38,959
Yeah... love you, too.

60
00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:40,261
(smacks lips)

61
00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:46,334
"Love you, too."

62
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,236
(smacks lips)

63
00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:51,972
Alan?

64
00:02:52,039 --> 00:02:53,006
Yeah?

65
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:54,742
Smack your kid
for me.

66
00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:58,679
Should we really risk
more brain damage?

67
00:02:58,746 --> 00:03:00,881
Thanks for sticking
up for me, Dad.

68
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,650
Oh, hey.

69
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:04,985
You'll never guess
who I ran into.

70
00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:07,788
Kobe Bryant?

71
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:08,922
No.

72
00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:10,224
Lauren Conrad?
No.

73
00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:11,792
Sean "P. Diddy"
Combs?

74
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:13,427
What is wrong with you?

75
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:16,964
No, I ran into Mia
at the coffee shop.

76
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,599
You're kidding.

77
00:03:18,666 --> 00:03:21,201
No, uh, apparently,
she's single again

78
00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:22,870
and, uh, living in L.A.

79
00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:24,938
What's wrong
with you?

80
00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:28,909
So...

81
00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:30,043
Mia.

82
00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:31,144
How did she look?

83
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,546
Oh, better than ever.

84
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:35,749
Damn.

85
00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:36,817
What did she say?

86
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,920
Uh, she said to
give you her best.

87
00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:41,154
That's it?

88
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,456
Pretty much.

89
00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:44,692
How did she say it?
What do you mean?

90
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:48,962
I mean, was it perfunctory
or was there subtext?

91
00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:50,931
"Perfunctory."

92
00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:55,002
That could be my rap name.

93
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:57,405
MC Perfunctory.

94
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:00,674
I don't know.

95
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,209
Um...

96
00:04:02,276 --> 00:04:04,011
but I-I mentioned
that you were engaged,

97
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,513
and, uh, she seemed happy
for you.

98
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,281
You told her I was engaged?

99
00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:09,216
Why the hell would you do that?

100
00:04:09,283 --> 00:04:11,619
Because you are,
in fact, engaged.

101
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,053
And she seemed happy
about that?

102
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,388
Yeah, she said,
"Good for him."

103
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:16,156
How did she say it?

104
00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:18,025
Was it perfunctory?

105
00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:22,363
Or were there subtitles?

106
00:04:23,230 --> 00:04:25,333
I'm leaving.

107
00:04:25,399 --> 00:04:29,269
And yet the memory of him
lingers on.

108
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:31,104
Hey, Uncle Charlie.
Yeah?

109
00:04:31,171 --> 00:04:32,506
Love you. (smacks lips)

110
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:37,678
To think I fought
for shared custody.

111
00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:39,947
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
so... so back to Mia.

112
00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:41,248
Oh, don't tell me

113
00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:42,550
you're still carrying
a torch for her.

114
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:45,553
No, I'm not carrying
a torch for her.

115
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,621
Why, do you think
she's carrying a torch for me?

116
00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:50,424
Charlie, you are engaged
to a wonderful woman.

117
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:51,992
Just forget about Mia.

118
00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:54,094
I had forgotten about her.

119
00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:56,397
I had forgotten
about her face...

120
00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:57,831
her eyes...

121
00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,367
her lips, her legs.

122
00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:02,202
Oh, God, those legs.

123
00:05:02,269 --> 00:05:04,204
You're the one
who brought her up.

124
00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:05,939
Sorry.

125
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:07,575
Look, I'm the last one
to tell you

126
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,176
you can't have feelings
for an old girlfriend.

127
00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:12,346
I mean, I myself still have very
strong feelings for Melissa.

128
00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:13,981
Who's Melissa?

129
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,349
My receptionist.

130
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:17,084
Oh, right.

131
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:20,120
The one that caught you
in bed with her mom.

132
00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:21,889
Uh, you're
leaving out a lot

133
00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:24,425
of extenuating
circumstances, but...

134
00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:26,326
yes, she caught me
rubbing against her mother.

135
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:29,497
And you want to compare
that freak show

136
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:31,465
to what Mia and I had?

137
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,000
I almost married her.

138
00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:34,234
All I'm saying is,

139
00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:36,504
you can acknowledge
your feelings for Mia

140
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,872
while still moving forward
with Chelsea.

141
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:40,574
That's exactly what
I intend to do.

142
00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:42,109
Good.
It is good.

143
00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:51,852
You're thinking about sex
with Mia, aren't you?

144
00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:54,522
You're thinking about sex
with Melissa, aren't you?

145
00:05:54,588 --> 00:05:57,991
Trying to, but her mom
keeps popping in.

146
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,898
* Men. *

147
00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:08,301
(sportscast plays on TV)

148
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,603
Okay, okay.

149
00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:11,772
I'm just going to
come out and say it.

150
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:15,676
Baseball was better
with steroids.

151
00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:17,077
Mm-hmm.

152
00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:18,646
I mean, this guy

153
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,181
is leading the league
with 11 home runs.

154
00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:24,685
Back in Sammy Sosa's day,
that was a slow weekend.

155
00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:25,619
Mm-hmm.

156
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,621
Call me crazy, but...

157
00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:29,189
I think people would
pay real money

158
00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:33,126
to see a meat-covered
robot hit a ball 750 feet.

159
00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:35,028
Mmm...

160
00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:38,331
Okay, well...

161
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,400
Sportscenter is over.

162
00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:44,004
Time for sex.

163
00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:47,107
Charlie, please,
this report's due tomorrow.

164
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:49,743
All right.

165
00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:52,880
I guess our relationship
is getting to that mature,

166
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,982
evolved stage they talk about.

167
00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:56,049
Guess so.

168
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:58,018
Terrific.

169
00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:00,087
I hope I die soon.

170
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:01,054
What?

171
00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:03,123
Love you.

172
00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:04,525
(toilet seat clanging)

173
00:07:04,592 --> 00:07:05,826
(loud splashing)

174
00:07:05,893 --> 00:07:07,260
Remember when you used
to close the door

175
00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:08,428
and tried to hit the porcelain

176
00:07:08,496 --> 00:07:10,130
so I didn't have
to hear you pee?

177
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:14,267
Yeah, way back when we used
to have sex after Sportscenter.

178
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:17,270
(phone ringing)

179
00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:21,975
(loud splashing continues)

180
00:07:22,042 --> 00:07:23,511
Hello?

181
00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:26,079
Uh, hang on.

182
00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:28,682
Charlie, there's a woman
named Mia on the phone.

183
00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:31,885
(thudding, urine splashing)
Ow!

184
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,521
(groans)

185
00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:35,222
Should I take a message?

186
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:36,590
No, no, no.

187
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:39,527
(toilet flushing)

188
00:07:42,362 --> 00:07:44,498
Hello.

189
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:46,299
Oh, hey, Mia.

190
00:07:46,366 --> 00:07:47,768
What a surprise.

191
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:50,538
Yeah, Alan mentioned
he ran into you.

192
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:53,874
Old friend.

193
00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:56,243
Yes, yes, you heard correctly.

194
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,546
I am engaged.

195
00:07:58,612 --> 00:08:00,447
Thank you.

196
00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:03,483
Yes, that was her.

197
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,819
Oh, she's terrific.

198
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:09,923
And how are you?

199
00:08:11,424 --> 00:08:13,493
Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that.

200
00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:16,530
Well, there's plenty
more fish in the sea.

201
00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:18,265
And I'm sure you'll
get out there

202
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:21,134
in that old dating pond
and catch something.

203
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:26,674
You know, a-a-a fish,
not a disease.

204
00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:30,477
Anyway, thanks for
the good wishes.

205
00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:32,546
Bye-bye.

206
00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:39,853
Okay, well, good night.

207
00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,323
Old friend, huh?

208
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:44,592
Yeah.

209
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,293
She heard I was engaged

210
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,128
and wanted to
congratulate me.

211
00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:49,697
Sweet kid.

212
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:52,399
Is this the woman
you almost married in Vegas

213
00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:54,234
a few years ago?

214
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:57,470
Charlie?

215
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,007
I'm thinking.

216
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:01,709
Charlie.

217
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:04,712
Who told you
about that?
Your brother.

218
00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:06,847
Oh, really?

219
00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:09,416
Did he tell you his
last girlfriend

220
00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:10,951
caught him in bed
with her mother?

221
00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:12,586
Yes, he did.

222
00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:14,922
What a dirtbag, huh?

223
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:20,527
So, were you ever going
to tell me about Mia?

224
00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:22,830
What's the point?

225
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:26,333
Have you told me about every guy
you've ever been with?

226
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,668
Actually, I have.

227
00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:29,036
My boyfriend
in high school,

228
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:31,204
two guys in college
and the man I married.

229
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:32,806
That's it-- four?

230
00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:35,876
Back in your day, that
was a slow weekend, right?

231
00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:41,048
It's not a competition, Chels.

232
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,818
So, why do you
think this Mia

233
00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:46,820
is calling you
in the middle of the night?

234
00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:49,823
Honey, it was
perfectly innocent.

235
00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:51,291
She just called

236
00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:53,961
to congratulate me
on our engagement.

237
00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:00,000
No, she didn't.

238
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:01,835
She called to see
if you're happy.

239
00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:03,837
She wants to know
if you're still available.

240
00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:06,173
Really, you think so?

241
00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:11,111
I mean...

242
00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:12,179
Really, you think so?

243
00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:13,914
Yes, I think so.

244
00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:16,316
The question is:
are you happy?

245
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:17,417
Are you available?

246
00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:18,551
Oh, come on, Chels.

247
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,120
What kind of
question is that?

248
00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:24,191
No, I'm not available, and
I'm certainly not happy.

249
00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:28,061
You know what I mean.

250
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,562
I hope so.

251
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,064
Yep.

252
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:34,634
I'm a happy
and lucky man.

253
00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:36,804
Happy, happy, happy.

254
00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:39,907
Lucky, lucky, lucky.

255
00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:43,110
And wet.

256
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:47,647
I'm kind of wet.

257
00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:50,751
* Men. *

258
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,487
What you writing?

259
00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:55,622
A screenplay.

260
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,224
Cool.

261
00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:59,827
Hey, I got a great idea for
a movie if you want it.

262
00:10:59,893 --> 00:11:01,929
Thanks-- I'm okay.

263
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:06,433
What is it?

264
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:09,502
Okay. So there's this
guy who's in an accident

265
00:11:09,569 --> 00:11:12,072
on the highway, where he hits
like a moose or something.

266
00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:13,373
And he loses
control of his car

267
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,776
and crashes into a truck
full of toxic waste.

268
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:17,577
And when he wakes
up in the hospital,

269
00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:19,713
he's part car
and part animal.

270
00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:24,051
Car-nimal.

271
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:27,721
Um... thanks, but I think
I'll stick with my idea.

272
00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:29,622
Fine-- what's your idea?

273
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:30,257
You really interested?

274
00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:31,524
Sure.

275
00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:33,861
Well, it's, uh...
it's about a man,

276
00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:36,463
uh, who's at a crossroads
in his life,

277
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,498
uh, coming to terms
with, uh, loss

278
00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:39,566
and... and mortality.

279
00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:41,168
Huh.

280
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,270
You know what you
could call it?
What?

281
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:45,138
Boring.

282
00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:48,341
Thank you.

283
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:51,812
Rated G... A-Y.

284
00:11:54,581 --> 00:11:56,216
(doorbell rings)

285
00:11:58,651 --> 00:11:59,686
Hey, Charlie.
Hey, Herb.

286
00:11:59,753 --> 00:12:01,254
I'm here to pick up Jake.

287
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:02,790
Oh, come on in.

288
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:05,859
Jake, time to get the
hell out of my house!

289
00:12:08,862 --> 00:12:09,629
So, how's it going?

290
00:12:09,696 --> 00:12:10,697
Oh, pretty good.

291
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,099
Baby's coming any day now.

292
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:13,700
Judith's got that
glow of motherhood.

293
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,369
Gangway, I gotta
freakin' pee again.

294
00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:25,178
Yeah, she's radiant.

295
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:27,014
Hey, Herb.

296
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,448
Jake's just finishing breakfast.

297
00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:30,884
Or he could be starting lunch.

298
00:12:30,951 --> 00:12:32,085
It's a fine line.

299
00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:33,753
Well, he is a growing boy.

300
00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:36,556
He's a growing
pain in my ass.

301
00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:38,959
He says that with love.

302
00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:42,930
No, I say it with a dull,
throbbing pain in my ass.

303
00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:45,065
JUDITH:
Uh-oh.

304
00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:47,534
What's the matter?
My water just broke.

305
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,402
Are you sure?!

306
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:52,072
(yelling)

307
00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:57,277
Yes, I'm sure.

308
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,082
I ain't cleaning that up.

309
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:04,852
* Men.

310
00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:07,988
* Men

311
00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:10,090
Boy, this brings back
memories, huh?

312
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:11,859
Shut up.

313
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:14,794
Slipping in Judith's
amniotic fluid.

314
00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:17,797
Guess this'll be
pretty funny someday.

315
00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:20,267
It's pretty funny
right now, Herb.

316
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,970
Hello?
A little help here!

317
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:24,404
Ding! Ding! Ding!

318
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,840
Hold your horses, I'm...

319
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:28,909
Dr. Harper?

320
00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:29,943
Melissa, what are
you doing here?

321
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,344
I work here.

322
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:36,416
I had to find another job
after... You know.

323
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:40,787
For the last time, I did not
have sex with your mother!

324
00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:43,156
Excuse me, I'm having
a baby here!

325
00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:44,524
Yeah, and I think
I broke my ankle.

326
00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:45,825
Quit whining, Herb!

327
00:13:45,893 --> 00:13:47,294
Her doctor's
on his way.

328
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,862
The contractions are
about eight minutes apart.

329
00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:50,597
Oh, well, let's
get you to prenatal.

330
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,933
I'll sign you in and have
an orderly take you upstairs.

331
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,134
No. No, No, no.

332
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:56,303
I'm the father.
I'll do it.

333
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:57,470
Bad idea, Herb.

334
00:13:57,537 --> 00:13:59,439
I'm here, Judith.
Everything's okay.

335
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:00,307
Oh.

336
00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:02,742
JUDITH:
Oh!
Whoa!

337
00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:04,878
God.

338
00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:06,746
My arm!

339
00:14:06,813 --> 00:14:08,949
I'm coming, Judith!

340
00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:12,485
Stay down, champ.

341
00:14:12,552 --> 00:14:14,955
It's not your night.

342
00:14:15,022 --> 00:14:17,590
Oh, my freaking God!

343
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:18,725
Now, you're not
breathing.

344
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:19,759
You got to
remember to breathe.

345
00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:21,828
Good, good, good.

346
00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:23,830
Okay. Now, you're only
two minutes apart.

347
00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:25,265
So we're in the
homestretch here.

348
00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:26,266
Great.

349
00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:27,800
Boy...

350
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,337
It seems like just yesterday
we were at this same hospital

351
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:31,671
waiting for little Jake
to arrive.

352
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:33,941
Uh-huh.

353
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:36,009
I guess after pushing out
his enormous head,

354
00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:38,845
this one will feel like spitting
a watermelon seed.

355
00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:40,914
(moaning)

356
00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:45,152
So anyway, I really
love my fiancée,

357
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:50,057
but I can't get this
other girl out of my mind.

358
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:53,660
I mean, she told my brother
to give me her best.

359
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,428
And let me tell ya,
her best

360
00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:59,299
could curl your hair
and make your ass whistle.

361
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:03,036
Is that what
you're here for?

362
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:05,372
A whistling ass?

363
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:07,074
No-no, no.

364
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:08,976
There's a baby
and some broken bones.

365
00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:10,978
Not important.

366
00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:13,080
The thing is,

367
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:15,348
I know you can't expect
to keep the passion

368
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,617
of a new relationship
going forever,

369
00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:19,286
but I kind of miss it.

370
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:21,354
Maybe it's just
that the grass

371
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:22,990
always looks greener,
you know?

372
00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:25,258
You see this cooler?

373
00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:26,693
Yeah.

374
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,161
It's carrying two light beers,

375
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:30,697
a half a ham sandwich
and my thumb.

376
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:37,204
So you'll excuse
me if I lack

377
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:40,407
a certain degree of interest
in your romantic dilemma.

378
00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:45,545
You got beer?

379
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:48,681
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Now, focus on me.

380
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,350
Remember your breathing.

381
00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,252
One, two, one,

382
00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:54,587
two, one...
Dr. Harper?

383
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:57,657
Melissa.

384
00:15:57,724 --> 00:15:59,192
I miss you.

385
00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:01,528
Oh, I miss you, too.

386
00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:03,263
Can we talk?

387
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,698
Of course.

388
00:16:05,765 --> 00:16:06,533
Alan!

389
00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:10,570
You're fine.
Just keep breathing.

390
00:16:12,439 --> 00:16:13,573
Hey, Charlie!

391
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:16,909
Look at me.

392
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,312
I'm half man,
half machine.

393
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:23,016
Kind of like
Jake's movie idea.

394
00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:25,618
Car-nimal!

395
00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:27,987
It's okay, dude.

396
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:30,057
I'm going to hang here
for a while.

397
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:34,094
I love that guy!

398
00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:37,030
What the hell
did they give you?

399
00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:39,299
Oh, the good stuff.

400
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:41,168
You could pull out
every one of my teeth,

401
00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:43,736
I wouldn't even notice.

402
00:16:43,803 --> 00:16:46,173
They didn't, did they?

403
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,943
You're fine.

404
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,345
Okay, then.

405
00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:53,780
Guess we should get going.

406
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,848
You drive, okay?
I'm pretty buzzed.

407
00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:57,750
What about Judith?

408
00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:58,818
No, let's not bring her.

409
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:00,720
She's a downer.

410
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:04,857
No argument,
but there is the baby.

411
00:17:04,924 --> 00:17:07,560
Oh, my God... the baby!

412
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:09,996
Judith needs me.

413
00:17:10,063 --> 00:17:11,298
I must go to her.

414
00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:14,501
I'm coming, Judith!

415
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,503
I'm coming!

416
00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:22,642
Hey, Charlie,
how'd you get here so quick?

417
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:29,048
Oh, I tried to forget you.

418
00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:30,783
To hate you.

419
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:32,985
But I couldn't.

420
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,387
Really?

421
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:35,822
Most people don't have
that problem.

422
00:17:39,692 --> 00:17:41,060
Beer and chips.

423
00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:43,196
This is turning out okay.

424
00:17:45,632 --> 00:17:47,400
Did you see where
my friend went?

425
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:51,070
He went hobbling down the hall,
mumbling about some Judith.

426
00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:54,141
I better go warn
the villagers.

427
00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:57,577
Good luck to you.

428
00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:01,214
Thanks.
Oh, and hey.

429
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:10,690
Good luck to you, too.

430
00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:15,595
(moaning, screaming)

431
00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:17,164
Oh.... God!

432
00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:19,299
Oh... oh...

433
00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:21,100
Oh...

434
00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:23,270
Oh, there you are.

435
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:25,772
You seen Herb?

436
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:27,974
No, I haven't seen Herb!

437
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,442
Huh.

438
00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:30,410
Chips?

439
00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:33,546
No, I don't want any chips!

440
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,282
Okay.

441
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:37,584
I don't think
you're supposed to have beer.

442
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:38,918
Get out of here!

443
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:40,987
No problem.

444
00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:43,290
Wait! Don't leave me!

445
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:47,460
I need someone to coach me
through my contractions.

446
00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:49,196
All right.

447
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:55,968
(screaming)

448
00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:58,438
Uh...

449
00:18:59,272 --> 00:19:01,541
Way to go.

450
00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:05,011
HERB:
Judith!

451
00:19:05,077 --> 00:19:06,446
I'm coming!

452
00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:10,750
See, I love Chelsea,

453
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:13,420
but you know, there
was a time I loved Mia.

454
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:17,657
(screaming
and panting)

455
00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:19,659
Breathe.

456
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:23,763
All right, you're fully dilated.

457
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,932
I think it's time
to have this baby.

458
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:29,736
Okay, well...
good luck.

459
00:19:29,802 --> 00:19:31,671
Don't you dare leave me!

460
00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:33,406
(Judith screaming)

461
00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:35,742
Judith, I'm here! Oh!

462
00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:39,779
Whoopsie.

463
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,748
Think I broke my nose.

464
00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:45,518
Three cheers for Demerol.

465
00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:47,587
Hip-hip!

466
00:19:47,654 --> 00:19:49,889
Hooray!

467
00:19:49,956 --> 00:19:52,492
* Men. *

468
00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:57,163
ALAN:
Interior-- hospital
delivery room.

469
00:19:57,230 --> 00:19:58,898
Day.

470
00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:01,801
An unconventionally handsome
man looks down upon the baby

471
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:05,372
that might be his,
but which he can never claim.

472
00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:13,446
Suddenly, a flash of light
appears in the sky

473
00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:15,648
and a flaming meteor plummets
to the Earth.

474
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:19,352
See, that's me
holding the baby.

475
00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:21,321
That's me and
the doctor.

476
00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:23,323
That's me, Judith
and the baby.

477
00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:25,091
Who's that?

478
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:28,328
Oh, that's just a guy who got
his thumb sewn back on.

479
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:31,063
I can't get over
how into this baby you are.

480
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:33,232
It was amazing.

481
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:35,001
The miracle of birth.

482
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:37,870
If Judith hadn't been there,
it would've been perfect.

483
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:42,241
So you're not against maybe
having one of your own someday?

484
00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:43,543
I don't see why not.

485
00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:45,077
Turns out, I like babies.

486
00:20:45,144 --> 00:20:48,781
And as you know, I'm a longtime
fan of intercourse.

487
00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:50,216
I know.

488
00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:52,051
I got to get back to work.

489
00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:53,420
Okay, I'll see you tonight.

490
00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:55,087
Love you.
Love you, too.

491
00:20:55,154 --> 00:20:56,489
Bye, Alan.
Bye.

492
00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:00,259
How's the screenplay coming?

493
00:21:00,327 --> 00:21:01,127
Great.

494
00:21:01,193 --> 00:21:03,296
Still on page one?

495
00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:04,864
Yeah, but now it really sizzles.

496
00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:08,501
MIA:
Hi, Charlie.

497
00:21:11,237 --> 00:21:12,639
Mia.

498
00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:23,716
ALAN:
To be continued...