1 00:00:03,304 --> 00:00:05,906 Aren't you going to wash your hands before you eat? 2 00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:07,241 No. I wrap the toilet paper 3 00:00:07,308 --> 00:00:09,009 around my fingers like an oven mitt. 4 00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:12,213 You could catch a puck with it. 5 00:00:13,547 --> 00:00:15,383 So, Mom, what brings you to our neck of the woods? 6 00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,118 I'm showing a house down at the beach. 7 00:00:17,185 --> 00:00:18,752 Thought I'd swing by and see my grandson. 8 00:00:18,819 --> 00:00:20,088 Tada! 9 00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:25,993 Nice house? 10 00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:27,095 Oh, magnificent. 11 00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:28,796 And priced to move. 12 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,665 The owner lost everything in the stock market, killed himself. 13 00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:34,768 Oh, that's terrible. Oh, no. He didn't do it in the house. Thank God. 14 00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:36,070 Even with an ocean view, 15 00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:40,374 suicide homes are a bitch to unload. 16 00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:42,643 Keep that in mind 17 00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,245 in case you ever want to teach your brother a lesson. 18 00:00:44,312 --> 00:00:47,181 Thanks for the tip. 19 00:00:47,248 --> 00:00:49,217 Good morning, Alan. 20 00:00:49,283 --> 00:00:50,584 Morning, Jake. 21 00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:52,420 Satan. 22 00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:57,458 Good morning, darling. 23 00:00:57,525 --> 00:00:58,992 Two coffee cups? 24 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,661 Did you have a friend spend the night? 25 00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:02,230 Yes, I did. 26 00:01:02,296 --> 00:01:05,233 Couldn't get her to stand on the trapdoor, huh? 27 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,702 Charlie, I don't have time for coffee, so... 28 00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:11,004 Oh, hello. 29 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,773 Hello. 30 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:14,208 Uh, Chelsea, this is my mother. 31 00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:15,709 Mom, this is Chelsea. 32 00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:16,944 Nice to meet you. 33 00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:18,646 Nice to meet you, too. 34 00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:20,281 Welcome back to the States. 35 00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:24,084 Thank you. 36 00:01:24,152 --> 00:01:25,619 Where have I been? 37 00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:28,088 Charlie says you have a place in Italy and... 38 00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:30,057 You know, Chelsea, sometimes when I'm drunk, 39 00:01:30,124 --> 00:01:32,025 I make up stories, so... 40 00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:34,862 You know, grain of salt. 41 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:38,199 That is quite an engagement ring. 42 00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:39,533 Thank you. 43 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,035 Does your fiancé know about this one? 44 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,405 My fiancé is this one. 45 00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:52,280 You want me to put this in a travel mug? 46 00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:55,449 You didn't tell your mother we're engaged? 47 00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:57,151 If she hadn't sold me the house, 48 00:01:57,218 --> 00:01:59,220 she wouldn't even know where I live. 49 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,528 When were you going to tell her about me? 50 00:02:07,595 --> 00:02:08,996 At the wedding? 51 00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:13,000 Well, technically, I think we have up to a year after that. 52 00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:15,269 Shame on you. I am so sorry. 53 00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:18,005 It's all right, dear. I'm used to it. 54 00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:20,541 Although a phone call would have been nice. 55 00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:24,845 It's good to meet you. Excuse me. 56 00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:30,251 (door slamming) 57 00:02:32,220 --> 00:02:34,788 So, yea or nay on the travel mug? 58 00:02:34,855 --> 00:02:37,291 Charlie, you just broke your mother's heart. 59 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,862 (laughing) 60 00:02:48,068 --> 00:02:49,670 How is that funny? 61 00:02:49,737 --> 00:02:51,605 It's not. Guys, a little respect. 62 00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:55,042 What is wrong with you? 63 00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:58,446 Same stuff as always, nothing new. 64 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,248 Does this smell like butt to you? 65 00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:05,786 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 66 00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,455 * Men. 67 00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:10,691 * Men. 68 00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:12,860 I'm glad you came over. 69 00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:14,762 That was the plan, wasn't it? 70 00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:18,899 Yeah, but I thought you might still be angry with me. 71 00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:20,033 I'm not angry, Charlie. 72 00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:21,569 I'm just disappointed. 73 00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:25,439 Gee, I'd kind of prefer it if you were angry. 74 00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:26,807 Why? 75 00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:30,344 Because angry sex is hot. 76 00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:31,612 Disappointed sex is... 77 00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:33,547 well, we might as well be married. 78 00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:36,116 Just brush your teeth. 79 00:03:36,183 --> 00:03:38,185 Brushing. 80 00:03:38,252 --> 00:03:39,653 Look, I understand 81 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,055 you have a difficult relationship with your mom. 82 00:03:42,122 --> 00:03:43,557 Uh-huh. 83 00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:45,426 But it makes things kind of tough on me. 84 00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:47,695 Hey, I don't expect you to dislike her right away. 85 00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:52,132 Give it time. Let it happen naturally. 86 00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:54,368 That's not funny. 87 00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,570 If I'm going to marry into your family, 88 00:03:56,637 --> 00:03:59,407 I want us to act like a family, care for each other. 89 00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:02,810 With my family, it's kind of either/or. 90 00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:04,445 Let me put it this way. 91 00:04:04,512 --> 00:04:07,080 I'm taking your mother to lunch on Thursday. 92 00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:10,818 (choking and coughing) 93 00:04:10,884 --> 00:04:12,953 You're doing what? 94 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,622 I'm not going to participate 95 00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:16,524 in this childish little feud of yours. 96 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:19,092 It's not a childish feud. 97 00:04:19,159 --> 00:04:21,529 Boy. 98 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,564 Come on, Charlie. What's wrong with me 99 00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:25,933 having a warm and healthy relationship with your mother? 100 00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:29,337 Well, for starters, you'll be the only one. 101 00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,506 Ever. 102 00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:34,775 Oh, don't be so dramatic. 103 00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:36,009 No, no, no, no. 104 00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:37,445 I'm not being dramatic enough. 105 00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:39,780 I should be wearing tights and holding a skull. 106 00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:43,250 Preferably hers. 107 00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:44,585 It's just lunch. 108 00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:47,588 That's what Hitler said to Czechoslovakia. 109 00:04:47,655 --> 00:04:50,558 Hitler said, "It's just lunch"? 110 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:53,361 Well, he said it in German. 111 00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:54,795 Watch the History Channel. 112 00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:59,166 Charlie, I'm not doing this to hurt you. 113 00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:01,769 Did you ever think that by my spending time with your mother, 114 00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:03,804 I can get a better understanding of you? 115 00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:05,706 Chelsea, trust me. 116 00:05:05,773 --> 00:05:08,576 Any insight you gain into me via my mother 117 00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:10,010 will end our relationship 118 00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:12,980 faster than catching me in bed with a farm animal. 119 00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:16,817 Just relax. It'll be fine. 120 00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:20,020 That's what Hitler said to Poland. 121 00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:23,691 And for the record, 122 00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:26,560 as long as we've been going out, I've never met your mother. 123 00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:27,995 My mother's in Illinois. 124 00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:31,432 Oh, yeah, and my mother's in "Italy." 125 00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:34,568 My mother really lives in Illinois. 126 00:05:34,635 --> 00:05:37,838 And besides, when you meet her, you will count your blessings 127 00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:39,573 you have someone as wonderful as your mom. 128 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,376 Tell you what, I'll trade you. 129 00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:44,545 Sight unseen, my mom for yours. Charlie. 130 00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:47,781 I'll even throw in Alan and a couple of Omaha steaks. 131 00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:49,883 Come here. 132 00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:52,152 No, I don't want to. 133 00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:55,222 I'm too upset. 134 00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:57,891 Okay. Good night. 135 00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:03,831 I'm sorry. I can't separate my emotions from my body. 136 00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:04,732 I understand. 137 00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:06,333 I don't want to punish you. 138 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:07,835 I'm just saying, if my heart's not in it, 139 00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:10,571 then it's just my penis going through the motions. 140 00:06:10,638 --> 00:06:13,040 Well, we certainly wouldn't want that. 141 00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:15,776 Good night. 142 00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:17,778 Good night. 143 00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:27,655 * Men. 144 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,261 Chelsea? 145 00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:36,464 I'm not upset anymore. 146 00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:41,234 Charlie, I'm sleeping. 147 00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:43,036 I know. 148 00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:45,939 Can you just wake up enough so it's not weird? 149 00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:51,979 Never mind. Sweet dreams. 150 00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:56,316 * Men. 151 00:06:56,383 --> 00:07:01,822 Okay, let me remind you, this is Malibu beachfront property. 152 00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:04,925 The previous owner had a spectacular view 153 00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:08,929 as he filled his pockets with rocks and jumped into the pool. 154 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,398 Mom? 155 00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:12,733 Hang on. 156 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:16,537 No, it's not a suicide home. 157 00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:19,006 At most it's... 158 00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,741 suicide adjacent. 159 00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:23,744 All right, get back to me. 160 00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:26,480 What are you doing here? 161 00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:29,683 What, I can't come visit my mother at work? 162 00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:31,819 Well, I suppose you could, 163 00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:34,655 but I've been here for 22 years and you never have. 164 00:07:34,722 --> 00:07:37,558 Well, maybe if you validated parking. 165 00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:41,562 Or any part of my life. 166 00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:42,930 What do you want, Charlie? 167 00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:46,700 Okay, first of all, I want to apologize 168 00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:49,136 for not telling you about Chelsea and the engagement. 169 00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:51,572 I know that was wrong and selfish of me. 170 00:07:51,639 --> 00:07:53,807 Thank you. 171 00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:56,109 Good, I'm glad we got that out of the way. 172 00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:59,780 So, I understand you guys are having lunch tomorrow. 173 00:07:59,847 --> 00:08:01,682 Yes, we are. Is that a problem? 174 00:08:01,749 --> 00:08:03,416 No, no, no, it's great. 175 00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:05,519 I came all the way down here and paid for my own parking 176 00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:07,220 to tell you it's great. 177 00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:09,322 Uh-huh. 178 00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:13,727 All right, let's put our cards on the table. 179 00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:15,062 What's your angle? 180 00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:16,897 Angle? 181 00:08:16,964 --> 00:08:18,398 I have no angle. 182 00:08:18,465 --> 00:08:20,500 Yeah, and I have no hangover. 183 00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:24,271 Look, Charlie, if you're really going to marry this woman, 184 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,940 I want to get started on the right foot with her. 185 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,709 I don't want to make the same mistake I made 186 00:08:28,776 --> 00:08:30,177 with Alan's wife June. 187 00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:31,378 Judith. 188 00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:34,147 Oh, whatever. 189 00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:36,016 Heinous woman. 190 00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:38,752 The fact remains, had I overlooked that 191 00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:41,054 and welcomed her into the family, 192 00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:42,790 she wouldn't have kept me at arm's length 193 00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,357 all during Jake's formative years 194 00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:46,660 and I'd have a better relationship with him today. 195 00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:48,629 Do you want a better relationship with him? 196 00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:51,865 Not the way he is now. 197 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,702 But if I'd gotten to him earlier, 198 00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:57,204 he wouldn't have the manners of an outhouse rat. 199 00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:03,010 So, bottom line: you want a good relationship with Chelsea 200 00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:05,212 so you can get your hooks into the next generation? 201 00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:09,249 Can't I just want to be a loving mother and grandmother? 202 00:09:09,316 --> 00:09:11,218 Well, I suppose you could, 203 00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:14,822 but I've been here 40 years and you never have. 204 00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:17,591 (phone rings) 205 00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,827 Evelyn Harper. 206 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:23,063 Oh, hello, Dr. Yakimora. What's up? 207 00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:24,765 Oh... 208 00:09:24,832 --> 00:09:27,701 That is good news. What's the address? 209 00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:32,139 Nice neighborhood. Thanks for the tip. 210 00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:33,874 (hanging phone up) 211 00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:35,042 What's the good news? 212 00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:37,010 Massive coronary in Brentwood. 213 00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:41,281 Six bedrooms, four baths, and a fully equipped gym 214 00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:43,684 that that idiot shouldn't have been using. 215 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:45,919 Now, if you'll excuse me, 216 00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:49,089 Mommy has to fly faster than the other vultures. 217 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:16,283 * Men. 218 00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:21,288 You mother took me to the most adorable little restaurant. 219 00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:23,691 No kidding. 220 00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:25,793 It's called Mon Grenier du Vivre. 221 00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:26,927 You know what that means? 222 00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:30,397 Probably "The Spider's Web." 223 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:32,700 Charlie... 224 00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:34,634 "The Devil's Barbecue"? 225 00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:36,704 Be nice. 226 00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,038 Sorry. 227 00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:42,810 "Bitch in the Box"? 228 00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:47,547 So what did you guys talk about? 229 00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,049 You know, everything. 230 00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:51,819 She's so smart and funny. 231 00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:53,253 She's been through so much. 232 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:54,587 She's a real survivor. 233 00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:57,791 Just remember, in order for her to be a survivor, 234 00:10:57,858 --> 00:10:59,793 others had to die. 235 00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:01,461 Okay, that's enough. 236 00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:02,796 Your mom's a terrific lady. 237 00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,832 And I'm starting to think 238 00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:06,566 that any problem you have with her 239 00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:08,401 is your problem, not hers. 240 00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:10,570 Oh, damn, it's too late. 241 00:11:10,637 --> 00:11:12,472 You're infected with the virus. 242 00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:14,708 Stop it. 243 00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:16,777 I'm sorry, but when you fall asleep tonight, 244 00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:19,179 I'm gonna have to set you on fire. 245 00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:20,814 Shut up. 246 00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:22,783 Believe me, Charlie, when you meet my mom, 247 00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,684 you'll thank God for Evelyn. 248 00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:27,354 What the hell is your mom, 249 00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:30,323 a rabid werewolf that craps hot lava on people? 250 00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:34,594 Never mind about my mother. Let's play. 251 00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:36,563 I don't know. 252 00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:38,398 What's the matter? 253 00:11:38,465 --> 00:11:41,701 All this talk about mothers, I'm not in the mood. 254 00:11:41,769 --> 00:11:43,203 I bet I could get you in the mood. 255 00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:47,407 Maybe, but it'd be a cheap manipulation. 256 00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:50,577 All right, but don't come rubbing up against me 257 00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,212 in the middle of the night. 258 00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:54,147 I won't. 259 00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,749 Fine. Good night. 260 00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:56,917 Good night. 261 00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:07,160 * Men. 262 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,233 Don't even think about it. 263 00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:16,736 * Men. 264 00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:19,940 * Men. 265 00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:22,943 Listen, you gotta do me a favor. 266 00:12:23,010 --> 00:12:25,012 That's what I live for. 267 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,848 Sarcasm is for winners, Alan. 268 00:12:31,852 --> 00:12:33,220 What can I do for you? 269 00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:36,456 Chelsea's somehow gotten it into her head 270 00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:40,560 that Mom is, you know, human, 271 00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:42,529 and you need to set her straight. 272 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:43,897 Why don't you set her straight? 273 00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:45,665 I tried, but she doesn't believe me. 274 00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:48,535 Probably because I turned out okay. 275 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,505 She needs to hear about Mom from somebody whose life 276 00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:55,742 is completely wrecked and unsalvageable, i.e., you. 277 00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,911 Thanks. 278 00:12:57,978 --> 00:12:59,579 And what do you expect me to say? 279 00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:02,249 I don't know. 280 00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:04,284 Just tell her about your phobias, your obsessions, 281 00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:06,486 your failures with work, marriage, and parenthood. 282 00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:08,221 She'll connect the dots. 283 00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:11,358 You know what? I think I'll pass. 284 00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:12,692 Oh, come on. 285 00:13:12,759 --> 00:13:15,062 I always back you up when you need me. 286 00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:17,330 When have you ever backed me up? 287 00:13:18,966 --> 00:13:20,968 Okay, let's just stay focused on my problems. 288 00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:23,270 Listen, Charlie, I'm not gonna argue 289 00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:25,138 that we didn't have a difficult childhood, 290 00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:26,907 but really, who had a good one? 291 00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,741 And isn't it time we forgive and forget? 292 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,244 Where's this coming from? 293 00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:34,181 No, I'm just saying that maybe our lives would be richer 294 00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:37,985 if we let go of this pointless resentment toward our mother 295 00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:40,453 and, and just moved on with our lives. 296 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:42,722 She got to you, didn't she? 297 00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:44,257 What are you talking about? 298 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:47,494 What did she do? Pay off your car? 299 00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:50,931 Get that dead black tooth fixed? 300 00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:54,334 Oh, listen to yourself. 301 00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:56,103 Hold it. 302 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:57,504 What? 303 00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:58,671 Your watch. 304 00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:00,207 What about it? 305 00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:03,443 It doesn't have Hamburglars on the wristband. 306 00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,547 So? 307 00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:08,548 Let me see it. 308 00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:10,050 No, it's mine. 309 00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:14,354 Let me see it! Let me see it! 310 00:14:15,722 --> 00:14:17,390 This is a Rolex. 311 00:14:18,258 --> 00:14:20,093 You sold me out for a watch. 312 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:22,662 Hey, I did not sell you out for a watch! 313 00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:25,032 I sold you out for a certified Swiss chronometer. 314 00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:31,471 Stainless steel Submariner, waterproof up to 300 meters. 315 00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,240 And look, it winds itself. 316 00:14:36,944 --> 00:14:41,014 Put it on your right arm, it'll run forever. 317 00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:48,021 Oh, good thinking. 318 00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:50,123 Oh, hey, look what else I got. 319 00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:53,293 Genuine porcelain veneer. 320 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,997 From an English-speaking dentist. 321 00:14:57,064 --> 00:15:00,467 (mocking): From an English-speaking dentist. (sighs) 322 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,737 Hey, Jake, I need a favor. 323 00:15:04,804 --> 00:15:07,174 Sorry, I can't say bad things about Grandma. 324 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,510 Okay, what did she buy you? 325 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,345 A new guitar? Minibike? 326 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,014 Pizza. 327 00:15:15,815 --> 00:15:17,317 You sold me out for a pizza? 328 00:15:17,384 --> 00:15:21,021 Not just a pizza. A meat-lover's pizza. 329 00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:26,126 * Men. 330 00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:33,900 * "M" is for the misery she caused me * 331 00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:39,973 * "O" is for the other things she did * 332 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:46,379 * "T" is for the traitor who's my brother * 333 00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:52,919 * "H" is for the... hump who is his kid * 334 00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:55,288 No, it's true. 335 00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:58,258 They can bleach anything these days. 336 00:15:58,325 --> 00:15:59,993 Really? 337 00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:01,594 It's gotta burn like hell. 338 00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:04,464 Oh, like a lit cigar. 339 00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:06,266 But it's worth it. 340 00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:09,102 Curb appeal isn't just for the front door. 341 00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:13,573 * "E" is for extremely frightening girl talk. * 342 00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:16,409 Hey, honey. 343 00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:19,512 How was shopping? Mom, pick up any new souls? 344 00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,883 Charlie, that's uncalled for. 345 00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,618 It's okay, Chelsea. 346 00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:27,054 He can't help himself. 347 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:28,688 Yes, he can. 348 00:16:28,755 --> 00:16:31,724 There's no excuse for speaking to your mother that way. 349 00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:34,394 You don't know that. 350 00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:36,963 Evelyn, thank you for a wonderful day. 351 00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:38,431 The pleasure was mine. 352 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:41,701 It's nice to be appreciated for a change. 353 00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:42,535 Are we on for yoga tomorrow? 354 00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:43,536 Can't wait. 355 00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:46,873 Oh, and of course, you and Charlie are coming 356 00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:47,907 for dinner on Saturday. 357 00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:49,509 We wouldn't miss it. 358 00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:52,379 Um, uh, actually... 359 00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,981 Chels, we have plans on Saturday, remember? 360 00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:56,216 What plans? 361 00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:57,817 Oh, for God's sake, 362 00:16:57,884 --> 00:16:59,686 can't you just play along? 363 00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:02,555 We'll be there. 364 00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:04,157 Wonderful. Ta-ta. 365 00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:07,960 Are you proud of yourself? 366 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,663 Not really. I lost that one. 367 00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:20,307 * "R" is for the rifle in my mouth * 368 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:26,379 * Put them all together, they spell "mother" * 369 00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:32,519 * A word that's only half of how I feel. * 370 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,289 * Men. 371 00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:47,066 (bad French accent): Hello, I am Alan Cousteau. 372 00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:52,439 I left the Calypso at... 373 00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:55,408 0500 hours, 374 00:17:55,475 --> 00:18:00,280 and have descended to a depth of 60 fathoms. 375 00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:07,320 And yet my Rolex is keeping perfect time. 376 00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:10,623 Oh, look, there goes a giant squid. 377 00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:11,858 Alan? 378 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,199 Yes? 379 00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:20,967 What are you doing? 380 00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:24,937 Um... 381 00:18:25,004 --> 00:18:26,873 I got no good answer. 382 00:18:29,242 --> 00:18:31,944 It's Saturday night, and I'm all alone. 383 00:18:32,011 --> 00:18:33,780 Do you know where Charlie is? 384 00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:36,583 We're supposed to be at your mother's at 7:00. 385 00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:39,719 (French accent): Oh, you are cutting it close. 386 00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:42,655 Have you seen him? 387 00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:45,425 Uh, not for a couple of hours. Have you tried his cell? 388 00:18:45,492 --> 00:18:48,561 I did. There's no answer. I'm getting worried. 389 00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:49,562 (door opens) 390 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:50,697 Chelsea, I'm home. 391 00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:51,698 Thank goodness. 392 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,602 (French accent): I return to the deep. 393 00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:59,071 Where have you been? 394 00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:00,907 Picking up a little surprise for you. 395 00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:02,542 Come on in. 396 00:19:04,677 --> 00:19:05,612 Mom? 397 00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:08,448 Hello, sweetie. Oh! 398 00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:12,219 Ooh, feels like you gave up on the Jenny Craig, huh? 399 00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:15,422 What are you doing here? 400 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:16,889 I flew her in from Illinois. 401 00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:20,260 First class. Very swanky. 402 00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:22,094 Of course, I had some rich Jew lawyer 403 00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:23,730 chewing my ear off the whole way. 404 00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:26,366 Tell her about the food. 405 00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:28,668 Oh, the food was terrific, 406 00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:31,871 but the flight attendant was a colored homo. 407 00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:37,444 I'm glad they make 'em pick up the dinner rolls with tongs 408 00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,546 'cause I can't risk the AIDS. 409 00:19:42,048 --> 00:19:43,250 I hope you didn't fill up. 410 00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:44,751 We're going to my mom's for dinner. 411 00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:47,387 Oh, how nice. 412 00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:49,188 Now be honest with me, Charlie. 413 00:19:49,256 --> 00:19:50,490 You're so dark and handsome, 414 00:19:50,557 --> 00:19:53,893 you gotta have some dago in ya, right? 415 00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:59,932 God, I love your mom. 416 00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:01,868 * Men. 417 00:20:05,505 --> 00:20:08,841 That was the worst dinner of my life. 418 00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:10,142 Really? 419 00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,211 I thought the two moms hit it off. 420 00:20:12,279 --> 00:20:15,248 Kinda country mouse, city mouse. 421 00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:16,649 I especially liked the part 422 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:19,819 when country mouse kicked off her shoes, 423 00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:23,890 put her big yellow bunions on city mouse's mahogany coffee table 424 00:20:23,956 --> 00:20:28,928 and asked her how she liked having a commie A-rab for a president. 425 00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:32,064 You've made your point, Charlie. 426 00:20:32,131 --> 00:20:35,067 Point? Whatever do you mean? 427 00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:38,170 You leave my mother alone, and I'll leave yours alone. 428 00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:39,739 Well, gosh, I don't know. 429 00:20:39,806 --> 00:20:41,941 I've really taken a shine to your mom. 430 00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:43,910 She promised to teach me 431 00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:46,313 how to chew tobacco and burn a cross. 432 00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:48,681 Do we have a deal or not? 433 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:50,450 Deal. Come here. 434 00:20:50,517 --> 00:20:52,485 I'm not in the mood. 435 00:20:52,552 --> 00:20:55,187 All right, but don't be rubbing up against me 436 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,189 in the middle of the night. 437 00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:58,925 Don't worry. I won't. 438 00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:00,827 Good night. 439 00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:02,295 Good night. 440 00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:13,473 All right, I was bluffing. 441 00:21:13,540 --> 00:21:15,842 Feel free to rub. 442 00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:18,611 Rub yourself. 443 00:21:21,247 --> 00:21:22,248 Chels? 444 00:21:22,315 --> 00:21:23,783 What? 445 00:21:23,850 --> 00:21:34,561 Can you watch me so it's not weird?