1
00:00:01,769 --> 00:00:04,972
How long are you gonna keep
punishing me for this?

2
00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:07,475
Okay, okay,
uh, once again,

3
00:00:07,541 --> 00:00:12,280
uh, I did not technically
have sex with your mother.

4
00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:13,547
You want to
catch me up?

5
00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:15,483
ALAN:
Melissa, are you gonna
let me talk?

6
00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:18,086
Well, you know Alan was nailing
his receptionist, right?
Yeah.

7
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:19,787
Apparently, she caught him
in bed with her mother.

8
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:20,821
Are you gonna
let me talk?

9
00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,223
What do you know?

10
00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:24,058
I've been calling
him that for years,

11
00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:26,394
and now he's
up and done it.

12
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:29,029
I-I was not responsible
for my actions.

13
00:00:29,097 --> 00:00:30,898
I was stoned out of my mind.

14
00:00:30,964 --> 00:00:34,635
You know, that excuse has never
once worked for me.

15
00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:36,070
Me, either.

16
00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:38,106
Cops or boyfriends.

17
00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:39,573
No. Hey, hey, hey,

18
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,942
your mother put enough pot
in that banana bread

19
00:00:42,009 --> 00:00:44,978
to treat every case of glaucoma
in the San Fernando Valley.

20
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:47,047
I have a recipe for macaroons.

21
00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:48,449
Very similar.

22
00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:53,121
I was so high,
I didn't even know who she was.

23
00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:54,655
We were just colors.

24
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,126
I was red, she was blue.

25
00:00:58,192 --> 00:01:00,328
We were trying to make purple.

26
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,364
Honey, my phone's dead.
Can I borrow your cell?

27
00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:04,798
Sure. It's on the coffee table.

28
00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:05,699
Thanks.

29
00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:06,800
Okay, so-so bottom line,

30
00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:08,936
I was drugged and molested
by your mother,

31
00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:10,371
and I'm the bad guy?

32
00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:14,442
Man, how many times have I heard
you make this phone call?

33
00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:18,379
Yeah, who'd have thought,
of the two of us, I'd be the one

34
00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:21,048
to end up in a healthy,
stable relationship?

35
00:01:21,115 --> 00:01:23,351
Who is Rachel,

36
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:26,487
and why is she sending you
topless photos?

37
00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:27,721
Um...

38
00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:29,623
Yeah, who'd have thought?

39
00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:34,595
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

40
00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:37,965
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh

41
00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:41,101
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh

42
00:01:41,169 --> 00:01:57,585
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

43
00:01:58,719 --> 00:01:59,853
* Men.

44
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:01,589
You want
to explain to me

45
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:04,692
why this woman is sending you
naked pictures of herself?

46
00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:06,760
I'd love to explain it.

47
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:13,301
Go ahead.

48
00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:14,402
I said I'd love to.

49
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,737
I didn't say I could.

50
00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:18,071
Are you sleeping with her?

51
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:20,408
No, no, of course not.

52
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:21,742
Then why the pictures?

53
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:24,212
Uh, well,

54
00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:26,747
my-my-my-my... my
best guess would be

55
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:28,582
that, like a lot of girls,

56
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:32,453
she wanted to show
off her new boob job.

57
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:35,189
That's your best guess?

58
00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:37,358
Well, you wouldn't understand

59
00:02:37,425 --> 00:02:39,026
because clearly,
God has blessed you

60
00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:41,562
with this great bounty.

61
00:02:41,629 --> 00:02:42,963
Damn it, Charlie,
I want to know...

62
00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:44,432
Excuse me. I am
on the phone.

63
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,734
(whispering):
Shh. Alan's on the phone.

64
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,202
Don't shush me.

65
00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:49,570
Who is this Rachel?

66
00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:50,971
Nobody really.

67
00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:54,575
I used to go out with her
way, way before you and I met

68
00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:56,277
and I fell so
deeply in love.

69
00:02:56,344 --> 00:02:57,778
Head-over-heels in love.

70
00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,380
Puppy dog love. Woof!

71
00:03:00,448 --> 00:03:02,182
Hang on, Melissa.

72
00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:04,585
I couldn't hear anything
after "You son of a bitch."

73
00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:07,154
Does this Rachel know
you're engaged?

74
00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:08,256
Um...

75
00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:09,523
Think long and hard

76
00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:11,592
before you start lying to me.

77
00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:14,462
I was. That's why
I said, "Um..."

78
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:15,396
Charlie...

79
00:03:15,463 --> 00:03:17,698
She doesn't know.
Why not?

80
00:03:17,765 --> 00:03:19,467
Boy, you're gonna
keep this flapjack

81
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,302
on the griddle,
aren't you?

82
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,405
(laughing)

83
00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:28,509
Berta, would you
give us a minute?

84
00:03:28,576 --> 00:03:30,744
Oh, you're gonna need more
than a minute.

85
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,282
So long.

86
00:03:34,348 --> 00:03:35,483
I'm gonna miss you.

87
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,184
What are you talking about?

88
00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:38,486
She's not going anywhere.

89
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,988
Are you?
Where-where you going? Chelsea?

90
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,023
Chelsea, wait.

91
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:44,625
Can't we just put this
behind us?

92
00:03:44,692 --> 00:03:47,428
I-I swear I'll never make out
with your mother again.

93
00:03:47,495 --> 00:03:49,597
Let's face it, Charlie.

94
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:51,765
We both knew you were gonna
blow it eventually.

95
00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:55,269
I didn't. I had my suspicions,
but I wasn't sure.

96
00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:57,838
I wish I could say
the same. Good-bye.

97
00:03:58,939 --> 00:04:00,308
Oh, please don't leave.

98
00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:01,575
Oh, please
don't hang up.

99
00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:03,844
CHARLIE & ALAN:
I love you!

100
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:07,581
And I love you, too.

101
00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:12,653
* Men.

102
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:14,187
Sure you don't
want a drink?

103
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,689
No.

104
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:18,492
When I'm depressed, alcohol
just makes me feel worse.

105
00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:21,695
Yeah, see, the trick
is to drink past that.

106
00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:25,599
Not a sprint, it's a marathon.

107
00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:30,571
You ever think we're both doomed
to grow old alone and unloved?

108
00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:31,872
A couple of pathetic bachelors

109
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,442
with no one to talk to
but each other?

110
00:04:35,543 --> 00:04:37,711
You ought to do ads
for this stuff.

111
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:42,716
So, are you gonna tell me
what happened with Chelsea?

112
00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,718
I can show you.

113
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,222
Chelsea found this on my phone.

114
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,258
I ask you,

115
00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:53,461
is that worth
breaking an engagement?

116
00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:56,564
Oh!

117
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,802
It's worth breaking a spine.

118
00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:04,338
Were you sleeping
with this girl?

119
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,473
No. No.

120
00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:07,508
She just sent me
a few pictures.

121
00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:09,843
Oh. Well, then,
why'd you keep 'em?

122
00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:13,947
All right, all right,
all right.

123
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:16,083
But you got to understand
the-the message

124
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,851
that this sends to Chelsea.

125
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:20,053
Other than, you know,

126
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,089
"Got milk?"

127
00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:27,661
But I'm not cheating.

128
00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:29,430
There are other forms
of cheating.

129
00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:31,331
There's, uh...
there's, uh, flirting.

130
00:05:31,399 --> 00:05:32,800
There's fantasizing
about other women...

131
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:34,001
Oh, come on.

132
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:34,835
Fantasizing is not cheating.

133
00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:35,936
To women it is.

134
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,705
They-they don't like
the idea that

135
00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:39,507
you're mentally replacing them
with someone else.

136
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:42,543
What if I'm mentally
supplementing them

137
00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:43,777
with someone else?

138
00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:45,579
You know,

139
00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:46,980
like I'm making love to Chelsea,

140
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:49,517
and in my mind,
Rachel here is just helping out.

141
00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:52,786
(moaning)

142
00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:56,757
She does look very helpful.

143
00:05:58,091 --> 00:05:59,460
Nevertheless, I-I can understand

144
00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:01,562
why Chelsea would take
a dimmer view.

145
00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:03,464
Yeah, well, I think
she overreacted.

146
00:06:03,531 --> 00:06:05,699
In fact, I think
she owes me an apology.

147
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:07,501
Really? So, you're just
gonna sit here

148
00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:09,102
and wait
till she comes crawling back,

149
00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:11,071
are you?
Yes, I am.

150
00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:14,675
And then, because hell will
long since have frozen over,

151
00:06:14,742 --> 00:06:17,077
we can go ice-skating.

152
00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:19,046
It's good that you have a plan.

153
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:22,382
Now if you will pardon me,

154
00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:24,918
I have to go pick up Jake
at his mother's.

155
00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:26,019
Oh, good.

156
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:28,589
Just what we need to
brighten up our weekend.

157
00:06:28,656 --> 00:06:30,524
A large, sullen teenager

158
00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:32,726
with gas
and questionable hygiene.

159
00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:34,928
There's nothing
questionable about it.

160
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:43,270
(sighs)

161
00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:44,472
There we go.

162
00:06:44,538 --> 00:06:45,539
(breathes in through teeth)

163
00:06:45,606 --> 00:06:47,808
Over the hump.

164
00:06:47,875 --> 00:06:50,177
* Men.

165
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:51,512
JUDITH:
She's my mother, Herb!

166
00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:53,747
I want her here
when I have the baby!

167
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:56,784
HERB:
Yeah, well, I don't need
yet another woman in this house

168
00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:58,619
yelling at me,
calling me an idiot!

169
00:06:58,686 --> 00:07:00,721
JUDITH:
My mother doesn't yell,
you idiot!

170
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:03,591
HERB:
Okay, I'm gonna let that pass
because you're pregnant!

171
00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:05,559
JUDITH:
Don't you dare blame this
on hormones!

172
00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:07,227
HERB:
What's my alternative,
Judith?!

173
00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:09,429
Accept the fact
that I'm an idiot?!

174
00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:11,932
(sighs)

175
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:13,534
Oh, hey, Alan.

176
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,102
Is this a bad time?

177
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:17,137
They're all bad.

178
00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:20,240
Seven-and-a-half months of bad.

179
00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:21,642
Don't you walk
away from me.

180
00:07:21,709 --> 00:07:23,577
Well, I'm sorry.
I was answering the door!

181
00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:26,213
That's what we idiots do
when we hear a doorbell.

182
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:29,049
Hi, Dad. Bye, Mom.

183
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:30,884
Good luck, Herb.

184
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:31,852
Bye, Jake.

185
00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:34,054
Wish I was going with you.

186
00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:42,963
I knew it as soon
as it came out of my mouth.

187
00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:47,100
* Men.

188
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:50,838
(sighs)

189
00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:53,941
I could get used to this.

190
00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:56,577
Don't.

191
00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:02,650
As far as Charlie is concerned,
mi casa es mi casa.

192
00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:04,985
All right,
I've ordered your pizza.

193
00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:06,253
I'm going home.

194
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,855
Thanks, Berta.

195
00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:10,658
Ordering a pizza
and going home--

196
00:08:10,724 --> 00:08:13,661
two of the three things
you want in a woman.

197
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:16,664
And you wonder why
Chelsea dumped you.

198
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:18,666
I'll tell you what I wonder.

199
00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:21,334
I wonder how you could possibly
get stoned enough

200
00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:22,636
to stick your tongue

201
00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:24,972
in the mouth
of a 60-year-old woman.

202
00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:31,879
Zing!

203
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:36,183
Boy, I just love
this male bonding.

204
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:38,518
Giving each other
the old business.

205
00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:40,187
The old business?

206
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:42,189
Yeah, you know, the needle,

207
00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:44,925
the zetz, the razzmatazz.

208
00:08:44,992 --> 00:08:47,027
Herb, I got
to ask you something.

209
00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:50,598
Are there any other guys
you hang out with?

210
00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:52,566
Oh, sure, I have my peeps.

211
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:55,168
There's my, uh,
water polo league,

212
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:58,138
the guys down
at the model train shop.

213
00:08:58,205 --> 00:09:00,140
Oh, and my, uh,
barbershop quartet.

214
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:03,010
Although I can't have them over
to the house anymore.

215
00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:03,811
Why not?

216
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,245
Four part harmony

217
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:06,614
triggers Judith's migraines.

218
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,382
Plus, mustaches
creep her out.

219
00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:11,351
Oh, not just mustaches.

220
00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:12,686
Any facial hair
whatsoever.

221
00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:13,654
Except eyebrows.

222
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:14,922
Neatly trimmed.

223
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,389
Right. The two finger rule.

224
00:09:16,456 --> 00:09:18,291
Mm.

225
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:21,729
Huh. Chelsea had
a two finger rule.

226
00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:24,164
Nothing to do
with eyebrows, though.

227
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,233
All right, I'll
see you later.

228
00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:27,801
Where are you going?

229
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,903
Down to the pier
with Celeste.
Who's Celeste?

230
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:31,605
My girlfriend.
She lives next door.

231
00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:32,439
Is she pretty?

232
00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:33,707
She's gorgeous

233
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,142
and smart and popular.

234
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:36,109
No kidding?

235
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:37,945
We don't get it, either.

236
00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:42,582
Maybe she's punishing
her father.

237
00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:44,618
Let's hope so.

238
00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:48,055
You know,
I'm just the stepdad here,

239
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:50,590
but, uh, shouldn't you tell him
what time to be home?

240
00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:51,759
I don't have to.

241
00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:53,426
I know her father.

242
00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:57,264
Hey, Jake.

243
00:09:57,330 --> 00:10:00,000
Hello, sir.

244
00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:03,570
Celeste, Jake's here!

245
00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:04,838
So how have you been?

246
00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:06,373
We're walking down
to the pier,

247
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:09,442
we're gonna play skeeball,
we'll be back by 11:00.

248
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:12,680
You're damn
right you will.

249
00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:15,248
* Men.

250
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:19,552
* Men.

251
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:20,688
Come on.

252
00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:22,522
It's freezing
out here.

253
00:10:22,589 --> 00:10:23,556
Shouldn't we put
out the cigars?

254
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,258
Why?

255
00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:29,629
Uh... 'cause we're not allowed
to smoke in the house?

256
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:32,365
It's my house.

257
00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:34,467
We can smoke cigars,
we can smoke salmon,

258
00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:35,869
whatever we want.

259
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:38,471
Are you sure?

260
00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:39,639
Relax.

261
00:10:39,707 --> 00:10:41,341
No whiny broad
is going to nag at you.

262
00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:45,178
Uh, Herb, make sure you use
an ashtray and a coaster.

263
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:49,182
I stand corrected.

264
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:51,384
Zing!

265
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:54,755
Hotcha!

266
00:10:56,223 --> 00:10:57,390
(doorbell ringing)

267
00:10:57,457 --> 00:11:00,327
Oh, this is going
to be a long night.

268
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:03,663
Hi, Charlie.

269
00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:04,865
Oh, God.

270
00:11:04,932 --> 00:11:06,299
What did the little
knucklehead do?

271
00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:08,301
Nothing-- Jake said you guys
were hanging out,

272
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:10,971
and I thought you might
want some company.
Sure, come on in.

273
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:12,840
I baked snickerdoodles
if you're hungry.

274
00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:14,908
(chuckling)

275
00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:16,509
You baked snickerdoodles?

276
00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:18,678
Yeah-- why is that funny?

277
00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:22,115
It's not.

278
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:24,617
You know Alan,

279
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:25,786
and this is Herb.

280
00:11:25,853 --> 00:11:26,954
Hi.
Hi.

281
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,188
Make yourself comfortable.

282
00:11:28,255 --> 00:11:29,622
Can I get you
something to drink?

283
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:32,425
I wouldn't say no
to an apple-tini.

284
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:34,594
An apple-tini?

285
00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:36,363
My brother drinks apple-tinis.

286
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:39,332
Why is that funny?

287
00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:40,567
It's not.

288
00:11:40,633 --> 00:11:43,036
One apple-tini coming up.

289
00:11:44,738 --> 00:11:46,406
He can get away with it;
you can't.

290
00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:50,710
So, how do you know
Charlie and Alan?

291
00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:52,813
Oh, I'm married
to Alan's ex-wife.

292
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:53,981
No kidding.

293
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,415
And you hang out?

294
00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:56,716
Yeah.
Sure.

295
00:11:56,784 --> 00:11:58,051
Wow.

296
00:11:58,118 --> 00:11:59,419
I couldn't be friends

297
00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:01,755
with the man
who's putting it to my ex.

298
00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:09,496
Well, to be fair, there hasn't
been a lot of putting lately.

299
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:15,635
And after the baby's born,
there will be even less.

300
00:12:15,702 --> 00:12:17,838
How is that possible?

301
00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:20,440
Not only will she
not let you touch her,

302
00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:23,376
she'll interrupt you
while you're touching yourself.

303
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:32,185
Aw.

304
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:35,088
I had to start showering
at the Y.

305
00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:37,024
(groans)

306
00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:39,559
Okay, one apple-tini.

307
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:40,560
Thank you.

308
00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:42,595
What are you guys talking about?

309
00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:44,998
Masturbating at the YMCA.

310
00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:51,604
Really?

311
00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:52,840
Just talk, right?

312
00:12:52,906 --> 00:12:55,775
Yeah, but the night is young.

313
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,311
So, Jerome...

314
00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:01,949
solve one of the great
mysteries of life for us.

315
00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:05,218
What does your daughter
see in Jake?

316
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:08,822
You know, I've been
asking myself the same thing.

317
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:11,191
Maybe she's punishing me.

318
00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:14,527
No offense.

319
00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:16,629
None taken.

320
00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:19,099
We're way ahead of you.

321
00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:21,368
You know, my wife and I
are having a girl.

322
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:22,369
Any advice?

323
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:23,336
Yeah.

324
00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:25,305
Before your daughter
starts dating,

325
00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:26,907
um, bulk up.

326
00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:31,811
Okay.

327
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,014
Boy.

328
00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:35,648
Remember when we first
started dating?

329
00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:37,584
Yep, eighth grade.

330
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:38,551
Louise Miller.

331
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:39,586
Oh, ninth grade.

332
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:40,687
Maxine Chernakoff.

333
00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:43,323
Sixth grade, Mrs. Terapotta.

334
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:51,431
Wasn't actually a date.

335
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:54,601
Nowadays, she'd probably
go to jail.

336
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,603
So, uh, what about you, Herb?

337
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:57,570
What about me, what?

338
00:13:57,637 --> 00:13:58,671
Uh, your first date.

339
00:13:58,738 --> 00:13:59,772
Uh, junior high, high school?

340
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,408
College, freshman year.

341
00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:03,776
I was kind of a geek
in high school.

342
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,578
Hard to believe.

343
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:06,779
No, really.

344
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,381
They called me Big Bird.

345
00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:12,719
So, what happened
in college?

346
00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:15,622
I stopped wearing yellow shirts
and lowered my standards.

347
00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:18,625
Okay, okay.

348
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,127
Here's one.

349
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:21,761
First sexual experience

350
00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:23,763
that was not
traditional intercourse.

351
00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:25,532
What are we talking about here?

352
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:27,600
You know what I'm talking about.

353
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,169
Boy Scouts?

354
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:42,649
What?

355
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:43,683
Oh.

356
00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:44,584
Zing!

357
00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:49,189
Alan.
Hmm?

358
00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:51,992
When did you first
take your oral exams?

359
00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:54,827
Oh, I... I-I don't think
I should say.

360
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,196
Why not?
I just don't.

361
00:14:56,263 --> 00:14:57,931
Come on, Alan, we're
all friends. Who was it?

362
00:14:57,998 --> 00:14:59,967
Your wife.

363
00:15:01,168 --> 00:15:03,903
So, your first time doing that
was with Judith?

364
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:06,573
Hey, me, too.

365
00:15:10,443 --> 00:15:11,644
Me, too.

366
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:17,617
Just kidding-- zing, zing!

367
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,054
(clears throat)

368
00:15:21,121 --> 00:15:22,389
What is "zing"?

369
00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:25,025
Is that some type
of white guy slang?

370
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:26,459
Quite possibly.

371
00:15:26,526 --> 00:15:28,461
My barbershop quartet
does a killer version

372
00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:30,730
of "Zing! Went the Strings
of My Heart".

373
00:15:30,797 --> 00:15:32,932
Real showstopper.

374
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,468
Kind of like that story.

375
00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:38,338
Zing!

376
00:15:39,406 --> 00:15:40,974
Did I get that
one right?

377
00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:43,310
(doorbell ringing)

378
00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:44,377
Oh, good.

379
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:45,478
Finally.

380
00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:47,314
Hookers?
Pizza.

381
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:48,448
Oh.

382
00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:50,150
That's nice, too.

383
00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:52,085
Hey, Mr. Harper.

384
00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:53,286
Oh, hey, Gordon.

385
00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:54,621
It's been a long time.

386
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:55,855
Yeah, two years.

387
00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:57,090
So, what you been up to?

388
00:15:57,157 --> 00:15:58,891
Well, I, uh...
I finished night school,

389
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,193
got my business degree,

390
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:01,594
met an amazing girl
and got married,

391
00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:03,463
landed a great job
as a stockbroker.

392
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:06,233
The company went under,
my wife left me, and, uh...

393
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,468
that'll be $28.50.

394
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:14,107
Oh, man, I'm sorry.

395
00:16:14,174 --> 00:16:15,442
You want a drink?

396
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:16,643
Why stop now?

397
00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:19,579
Come on in.

398
00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:25,152
Hey, everybody.

399
00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:26,019
This is Gordon.

400
00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:27,020
His wife left him.

401
00:16:27,087 --> 00:16:28,121
ALL:
Hi, Gordon.

402
00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:29,722
Welcome to the losers lounge.

403
00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:31,191
Glad to be here.

404
00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:32,592
The topic of discussion

405
00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:34,694
is first nontraditional
sexual experience.

406
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:36,329
Bible camp.

407
00:16:38,198 --> 00:16:40,067
Where do you guys
want me to put these?

408
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:42,302
Oh, uh, here, let me
move the snickerdoodles.

409
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,637
(sighs) Snickerdoodles.

410
00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:45,638
You don't like them?

411
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:46,939
No, no, I do.

412
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,941
It's just that my wife
used to call me

413
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:51,078
her little snickerdoodle.

414
00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:52,279
You're kidding.

415
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:53,746
Well, no, not
all of me.

416
00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:56,516
It was her little
nickname for my, uh...

417
00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:58,418
(chuckles awkwardly)

418
00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:02,455
Oh, that is a terrible name
for a penis.

419
00:17:03,656 --> 00:17:05,592
Oh, yeah?
What did your wife call yours?

420
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:07,327
Mr. Roundtree.

421
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,469
Richard Roundtree.

422
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:19,239
The guy who played Shaft.

423
00:17:19,306 --> 00:17:21,508
ALL:
Oh, yes.

424
00:17:21,574 --> 00:17:24,311
That's way better
than Snickerdoodle.

425
00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:28,548
Judith calls mine
"that thing".

426
00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:31,584
As in, "Get that thing
away from me"?

427
00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:33,553
Yeah, how did you know?

428
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:35,288
Just a guess.

429
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:38,958
Okay.

430
00:17:39,025 --> 00:17:39,992
I'm out of here.

431
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,328
Where you going?

432
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,430
Someplace
where I'm not knee-deep

433
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:45,632
in pathetic,
penis-naming sad sacks.

434
00:17:47,634 --> 00:17:48,835
No offense.

435
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,803
ALL:
None taken.

436
00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:54,241
Let's go, King Snake.

437
00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,279
* Men.

438
00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:09,522
What do you want?

439
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,124
Just listen.

440
00:18:12,024 --> 00:18:13,193
Rachel?

441
00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:14,627
Hey, it's Charlie.

442
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:17,497
Look, about the pictures
you sent me...

443
00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:19,699
No, no, no, they
were very nice.

444
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:24,471
Yeah, real artsy.

445
00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:27,774
But the thing is,
I'm kind of engaged now.

446
00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:32,044
I am definitely
engaged now,

447
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,381
so you shouldn't
send me any more.

448
00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:38,218
(quietly):
It doesn't matter
who asked for them.

449
00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:41,588
The point is,
I am no longer interested

450
00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:44,224
in anyone's boobs
other than my fiancée's.

451
00:18:45,492 --> 00:18:47,494
No, I'm not going
to send you a picture of hers.

452
00:18:49,262 --> 00:18:50,797
Right?

453
00:18:52,899 --> 00:18:53,900
No.

454
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:56,703
Okay, take care.

455
00:18:56,769 --> 00:18:57,837
Thank you, Charlie.

456
00:18:57,904 --> 00:19:01,508
I just want you to know
how much you mean to me.

457
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:03,576
Did you delete
the pictures?

458
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:05,245
Um...

459
00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:08,548
I guess there's a case
to be made for that.

460
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:12,719
What are you doing?

461
00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:13,720
Press delete.

462
00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:15,255
Hang on.

463
00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:17,357
I'm printing them
in my memory.

464
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:20,159
Delete, delete, delete.

465
00:19:20,227 --> 00:19:21,828
Look, I'm deleting!

466
00:19:22,962 --> 00:19:24,597
* Men.

467
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,599
* Zing! Dear, when you
smiled at me *

468
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,635
* Zing! I heard a melody

469
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:30,837
* Zing! It haunted me
from the start *

470
00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:32,572
* The start

471
00:19:32,639 --> 00:19:34,341
* Zing! Something inside of me

472
00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:36,276
* Zing! Started a symphony

473
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:39,579
* Zing! Went the strings
of my heart *

474
00:19:39,646 --> 00:19:41,648
* Zing! 'Twas like
a breath of spring *

475
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:43,283
* Zing! I heard a robin sing

476
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:45,117
* Zing! About a nest set apart

477
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:46,553
No wonder they're all alone.

478
00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:48,888
* Zing! All nature
seemed to me *

479
00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:50,657
* Zing! In perfect harmony

480
00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:53,760
* Zing! Went the strings
of my heart... *

481
00:20:04,471 --> 00:20:06,273
* Who is the man

482
00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:08,975
* That will risk his neck
for brother man? *

483
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,277
* Shaft!

484
00:20:10,343 --> 00:20:11,278
JEROME:
* Right on

485
00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:12,512
I heard this
cat, Shaft,

486
00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:15,014
is one bad mother...
Shut your mouth.

487
00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:15,915
Well, I'm talking
about Shaft.

488
00:20:15,982 --> 00:20:17,116
Then, we can dig it.

489
00:20:17,183 --> 00:20:19,552
* He's a complicated man...

490
00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:20,387
No.

491
00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:22,054
I can't do this.

492
00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:24,391
She has to take me back.

493
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:28,661
(in four-part harmony):
* Men.