1 00:00:00,768 --> 00:00:02,803 * Men. * 2 00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:04,772 (woman coughing) 3 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,479 (woman honking nose) 4 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,648 Chelsea? 5 00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:16,450 (congested): Yeah? 6 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,219 You okay? 7 00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:23,457 I think I'm coming down with a cold. 8 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:26,794 (nose honking) 9 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,596 That doesn't sound like a cold, 10 00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:32,300 it sounds like quitting time in Bedrock. 11 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:34,034 Do I feel hot to you? 12 00:00:34,102 --> 00:00:35,503 Let me see. 13 00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:36,504 Stop it. 14 00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:38,906 You're supposed to feel my head. 15 00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:41,775 Yeah, but those babies are my frame of reference. 16 00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:43,777 (coughing) 17 00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:45,713 Maybe I should go home. 18 00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:47,548 Well, if you think that's the right thing to do. 19 00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:50,084 Charlie, it's the middle of the night and I'm sick. 20 00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:51,519 I'm not going home. 21 00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:53,721 Then why'd you say you were? 22 00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:55,089 I was testing you. 23 00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:57,258 Yeah, well, I knew that 24 00:00:57,325 --> 00:00:59,293 and I was testing you. 25 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:02,296 I think we both did very well. 26 00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:05,133 (coughing) 27 00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:06,467 Tell you what, 28 00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:08,302 you get a good night's sleep. 29 00:01:08,369 --> 00:01:09,970 I'm sure you'll feel better in the morning. 30 00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:11,405 Where are you going? 31 00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:13,174 I'm gonna go crash on the couch, 32 00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:14,608 let you have the whole bed to yourself. 33 00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:16,877 Really? You're gonna leave me here alone? 34 00:01:16,944 --> 00:01:20,148 No, no, I just thought you might want your own space. 35 00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:23,184 You know, when dogs are sick, 36 00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:24,852 they hide till they feel better. 37 00:01:26,454 --> 00:01:29,990 Probably why they're man's best friend. 38 00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:32,393 Could you please stay? 39 00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:36,130 Pretty please? 40 00:01:37,030 --> 00:01:39,233 How can I say no? 41 00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:43,604 (under breath): Seriously, how? 42 00:01:43,671 --> 00:01:45,606 Spoon? 43 00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:51,679 Try and stop me. 44 00:01:58,152 --> 00:02:01,189 (coughing and clearing throat) 45 00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:06,527 So what, you're just gonna swallow that? 46 00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:08,496 Go to sleep. 47 00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:18,572 What are you doing? 48 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:21,775 Come on, you know what happens when we spoon. 49 00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:23,777 I'm sick. 50 00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:26,480 Obviously, so am I. 51 00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:29,617 All right, fine. 52 00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:32,653 Go ahead. 53 00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:39,527 This is another test, isn't it? 54 00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:42,496 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 55 00:02:42,563 --> 00:02:45,633 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 56 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:48,569 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 57 00:02:48,636 --> 00:02:50,671 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 58 00:02:50,738 --> 00:02:53,474 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 59 00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:56,377 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 60 00:02:56,444 --> 00:03:01,415 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 61 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,054 * Men. * 62 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,557 TV ANNOUNCER: Coming up next on Turner Classic Movies: 63 00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,759 The Bridges of Madison County. 64 00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:18,632 I am not gonna cry. 65 00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,502 Hey. 66 00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:23,237 What are you doing up? 67 00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:25,439 Watching a Clint Eastwood movie. 68 00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:30,278 What are you doing up? 69 00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:31,779 Chelsea's sick. 70 00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:34,848 She was coughing and sneezing all over the place. 71 00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:36,317 Oh, no. Yeah. 72 00:03:36,384 --> 00:03:38,218 I had to wait till she finally fell asleep 73 00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:39,953 so I could get the hell outta there 74 00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:41,289 without pissin' her off. 75 00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:42,923 How considerate. 76 00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:45,259 What do you want from me? 77 00:03:45,326 --> 00:03:48,128 I'm not a big phlegm fan. 78 00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:50,130 (movie plays indistinctly) 79 00:03:50,197 --> 00:03:52,132 This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie. 80 00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:53,501 Yes, it is. 81 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,336 Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think 82 00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:57,438 this is a Clint Eastwood movie. 83 00:03:57,505 --> 00:03:58,772 Well, tough, I like it. 84 00:03:58,839 --> 00:03:59,907 Sure, you do. 85 00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:01,775 You're a giant fruit basket. 86 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:04,578 I'll never apologize for my feminine side. 87 00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:09,617 Boy, I hope she gets better soon. 88 00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:12,653 This sick stuff is not what I signed on for. 89 00:04:13,554 --> 00:04:15,356 You're kidding, right? 90 00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:18,826 This is exactly what you signed on for. 91 00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:19,627 (broadcast stops) 92 00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:21,128 You told Chelsea you loved her, 93 00:04:21,194 --> 00:04:22,596 you gave her an engagement ring. 94 00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:24,131 This is what it's all about. 95 00:04:24,197 --> 00:04:26,133 Being there for her, no matter what. 96 00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:27,935 For richer or poorer, better or worse, 97 00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,403 in sickness and in health. 98 00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:32,406 Call me crazy, but I prefer richer, 99 00:04:32,473 --> 00:04:34,775 better and health. 100 00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:38,546 Well, regardless, this could be a real opportunity for you. 101 00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:41,782 Opportunity for what, a massive infection? 102 00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:44,652 An opportunity to show her that she can depend on you. 103 00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:46,887 That you're not just there for the good times. 104 00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,889 Okay, I hear that. 105 00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,891 But tell me one thing. 106 00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:51,925 Yeah? 107 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,561 What's in it for me? 108 00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:56,964 Watch Clint and Meryl. 109 00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:57,965 (broadcast resumes) 110 00:04:58,031 --> 00:04:59,967 Learn how to love. 111 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:06,774 I'll take my chances in the snot locker. 112 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,815 I will not cry. 113 00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:18,586 * Men. * 114 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:21,789 CHELSEA (weakly): Charlie? 115 00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:24,792 You awake? 116 00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:28,796 (sighs) 117 00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:43,477 Boy, I hope not. 118 00:05:43,544 --> 00:05:46,313 I feel awful. 119 00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:48,549 Really? 120 00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:50,584 You look swell. 121 00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:52,252 I should go home. 122 00:05:52,319 --> 00:05:53,754 No, no, no, no. 123 00:05:53,821 --> 00:05:55,756 I am not falling for that again. 124 00:05:55,823 --> 00:05:58,759 You stay right here, let me take care of you. 125 00:05:58,826 --> 00:06:00,694 You mean it? 126 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:03,664 Oh, man, do I have to mean it, too? 127 00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:05,999 Just kiddin'. 128 00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:08,035 Can I make you some tea or something? 129 00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:09,503 Yes, please. 130 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:10,838 Comin' up. 131 00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:12,840 With honey? 132 00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:13,674 Sure. 133 00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:15,976 And maybe an English muffin. 134 00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,512 No problem. 135 00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:19,813 Toasted crispy. 136 00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:23,283 Right. 137 00:06:23,350 --> 00:06:26,520 And let the butter melt into all the nooks and crannies 138 00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,456 before you put the jam on. 139 00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:31,659 Anything else? 140 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:34,795 Can I have a hug? 141 00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,002 Try and stop me. 142 00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,983 Nice necklace. 143 00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:56,717 Thanks. 144 00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:58,251 Buy it for yourself? 145 00:06:58,318 --> 00:06:59,853 No, a girl gave it to me. 146 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,489 Really? 147 00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:02,956 She must like you. 148 00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:05,493 Yeah, she's nuts for me. 149 00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:06,960 Well, is she cute? 150 00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:08,996 I guess. 151 00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:11,198 You, uh, you don't seem very happy about it. 152 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:12,332 I'm not. 153 00:07:12,399 --> 00:07:14,201 Why? What's the problem? 154 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,003 She's nine. 155 00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:20,007 Nine? 156 00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:21,775 Where would you meet a nine-year-old girl? 157 00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:24,712 We're in the same math class. 158 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:28,549 Is, uh, is she one of those advanced students? 159 00:07:28,616 --> 00:07:30,651 Sadly, no. 160 00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:34,021 But she does help me with my homework. 161 00:07:35,923 --> 00:07:39,059 Hey, Berta, Chelsea's not feeling well. 162 00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:41,695 Could you make her some tea and an English muffin? 163 00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:43,463 Sure, I could. 164 00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,401 But you won't. 165 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,104 Is that what you're saying? 166 00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:54,074 Where are the muffins? 167 00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,242 In the fridge. 168 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,644 As always. 169 00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:58,746 Don't condescend to me. 170 00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,514 He does it to me all the time. 171 00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:02,082 It's very irritating. 172 00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,917 No one's talking to you. 173 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:04,885 See? Like that. 174 00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:06,720 That wasn't condescending. 175 00:08:06,787 --> 00:08:08,355 But that was, right? 176 00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:11,324 Right... 177 00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:14,595 Boy, as soon as I get my license, I am so outta here. 178 00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:17,931 Sure. You can drive your girlfriend to Gymboree. 179 00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:20,634 At least I have a girlfriend. 180 00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:25,906 (mocking): At least I have a girlfriend. 181 00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:29,209 So what's the deal? 182 00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:30,477 Does, uh, Chelsea have a cold? 183 00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:31,645 I'm not sure. 184 00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:34,181 Cold, flu, something disgusting. 185 00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:37,084 Maybe she has an STD. 186 00:08:37,150 --> 00:08:38,786 What? 187 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,754 It means "sexually transmitted disease." 188 00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:42,856 I know what STD's are. 189 00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:44,958 Your uncle helped invent them. 190 00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:50,631 You know, they can be prevented by using a condom. 191 00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:54,234 I know we could've prevented you by using a condom. 192 00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:58,005 Now we gotta use a hammer. 193 00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:00,641 I don't understand. 194 00:09:00,708 --> 00:09:03,176 Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you. 195 00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:07,715 Okay. 196 00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:11,251 You must be so proud. 197 00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:13,086 JAKE: Ball peen 198 00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:15,989 or claw hammer? 199 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,424 Do me a favor, 200 00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,627 when he comes back, just do it. 201 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:22,796 * Men. * 202 00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:24,297 Okay, here we go. 203 00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,299 Room service. 204 00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:29,136 Chelsea? 205 00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:30,370 Honey? 206 00:09:30,437 --> 00:09:31,538 CHELSEA (congested): Don't come in. 207 00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:33,741 Wasn't even tempted. 208 00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,544 I got your tea and muffins. 209 00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:39,713 I have diarrhea. 210 00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:42,182 I can't eat now. 211 00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,017 I may never eat again. 212 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:47,855 Would you mind going to the drugstore for me? 213 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:50,891 For you, I'd go to the ends of the earth. 214 00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:54,061 (under breath): Coming back's a whole other question. 215 00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:55,863 What? 216 00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:58,065 I said, "What do you need?" 217 00:09:58,131 --> 00:09:59,867 Well, I need Pepto, 218 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,869 and we're almost out of tissues, 219 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,071 and I need some decongestant, 220 00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:05,739 some cough syrup, 221 00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:08,742 something for canker sores, and wet wipes. 222 00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:10,577 For your hands? 223 00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,780 No. Got it. 224 00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:17,584 And I'm probably gonna need some tampons. 225 00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:18,886 (under breath): Oh, great. 226 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:21,889 There's gonna be blood, too. 227 00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,891 You're really being wonderful 228 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,893 about all this, Charlie. 229 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,394 Oh, it's nothing. 230 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,897 It's what a guy does when he loves somebody. 231 00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:32,532 Should've known. 232 00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:35,736 The second you give 'em a ring, they fall out of warranty. 233 00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:38,005 * Men. * 234 00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:42,242 * Men. * 235 00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:46,446 Hey, Russell? Mm-hmm? 236 00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:47,948 What's good for canker sores? 237 00:10:48,015 --> 00:10:50,183 You got canker sores? 238 00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:51,218 No, my girlfriend. 239 00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:52,552 What do you recommend? 240 00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:54,621 Tennis shoes. 241 00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:55,756 Excuse me? 242 00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:57,490 Put 'em on and run away. 243 00:10:57,557 --> 00:10:59,426 There's a lot of broads out there. 244 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:00,761 Find a clean one. 245 00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:04,531 I-I can't run away. 246 00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:06,266 I'm kind of engaged to her. 247 00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,702 Oh, Charlie, no. 248 00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:10,470 Yup. I bit the bullet. 249 00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:12,405 You bit the big one. 250 00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:16,009 Hey, just because you blew three marriages doesn't mean 251 00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:17,577 I can't make this work. 252 00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:18,746 (laughs) 253 00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:20,848 You're a funny guy, Charlie. 254 00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:23,784 And that's not just the Oxycontin talking. 255 00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:26,153 Here you go. 256 00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:27,587 Cank-B-Gone. 257 00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:29,122 What else? 258 00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,290 Uh, let's see. 259 00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:31,224 Cough syrup. 260 00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:32,392 Regular or codeine? 261 00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:34,427 Don't you need a prescription for codeine? 262 00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,864 What are you, a cop? 263 00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:39,432 Here. 264 00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:41,601 I'll give you the kid stuff. 265 00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:43,436 What else? 266 00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:45,638 Uh, tissues, throat lozenges, 267 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,474 decongestant, Pepto, wet wipes. 268 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,542 Geez, where'd you find this one? 269 00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:51,578 A hospital parking lot? 270 00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:53,480 Come on, Russell, help me out. 271 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:56,316 Okay. Okay, here you go. 272 00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,920 A dam for every river. 273 00:11:59,987 --> 00:12:02,322 A plug for every jug. 274 00:12:03,924 --> 00:12:05,358 Oh, right, I almost forgot. 275 00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:06,626 She also needs tampons. 276 00:12:06,693 --> 00:12:08,161 Oh, lucky you. 277 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,529 (laughing) 278 00:12:09,596 --> 00:12:10,597 What size? 279 00:12:10,663 --> 00:12:12,833 How should I know? 280 00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:14,101 Is there some kind 281 00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:17,871 of a condom-tampon conversion chart? 282 00:12:17,938 --> 00:12:21,108 No, but that's an amusing idea. 283 00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:24,311 Actually, it's not about size, per se. 284 00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:26,346 It's more about flow. 285 00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:28,415 Okay, see, that's a piece of information 286 00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:31,484 I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing. 287 00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:33,420 Here you go. 288 00:12:33,486 --> 00:12:35,288 Here's a variety pack. 289 00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:36,656 This'll handle anything 290 00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:39,259 from a little drizzle to a monsoon. 291 00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:44,331 Listen, is it too late to change my mind about the codeine? 292 00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:50,203 The first one's free. 293 00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:55,742 * Men. * 294 00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,945 (coughing) 295 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:03,683 Okay, got all your stuff. 296 00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:05,318 Took you long enough. Whoa! 297 00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:08,588 Whoa! I just went shopping for wet wipes and tampons. 298 00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:10,690 I'm allowed to take my time. 299 00:13:10,757 --> 00:13:12,692 I'm sorry. Are you mad at me? 300 00:13:12,759 --> 00:13:14,094 No. No. 301 00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:15,996 Why would I be mad at you? 302 00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:18,765 'Cause I'm sick, and you have to take care of me. 303 00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:20,767 Are you kidding me? 304 00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:22,903 I love taking care of you. 305 00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:25,372 I just... love... 306 00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,909 ...it. 307 00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:31,111 Yeah, I can see that. 308 00:13:31,178 --> 00:13:34,314 Listen, could you go over to my place 309 00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:37,384 and get me some clean clothes and feed Sir Lancelot? 310 00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:38,418 Who? 311 00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:39,419 My cat. 312 00:13:40,787 --> 00:13:42,890 He's not gonna feed himself, Charlie. 313 00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:44,157 Are you sure? 314 00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:45,893 Maybe you've got mice. 315 00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:49,562 And you're probably gonna have to change the litter box, too. 316 00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:52,332 Change it into what? 317 00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:56,069 You got to scoop out the poop and put in fresh litter. 318 00:13:56,136 --> 00:14:00,207 Oh, this just keeps getting better and better. 319 00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:01,374 Charlie? 320 00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:02,509 Yeah? 321 00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:04,344 I love you. 322 00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:06,246 Great. 323 00:14:06,313 --> 00:14:08,115 Aren't you gonna say it back? 324 00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:11,451 I'm gonna go pan for cat turds. 325 00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,721 If that doesn't say "I love you," 326 00:14:14,787 --> 00:14:15,956 nothing does. 327 00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:20,660 I promise, I'm wearing it. 328 00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:22,862 Wait a sec. 329 00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:28,168 Okay, I sent you a picture. 330 00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:30,237 Now what's the answer to number four? 331 00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,172 Oh, yeah. That's what I had. 332 00:14:35,775 --> 00:14:36,709 What you doing, Alan? 333 00:14:36,776 --> 00:14:38,111 My taxes. I promised myself 334 00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:40,280 I wouldn't wait till the last minute this year. 335 00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:42,382 Yeah, and you promised me you'd only stay here 336 00:14:42,449 --> 00:14:44,985 for a few days, so your word means nothing. 337 00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:47,921 Come on, you're driving me to Chelsea's. 338 00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:48,989 Why don't you drive yourself? 339 00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:50,023 Because I just chugged 340 00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:51,724 a half a bottle of codeine, 341 00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:55,728 and this bourbon might make me a bit of a threat on the road. 342 00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:58,765 Ah, good call. 343 00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:00,900 * Men. * 344 00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:02,970 Here, kitty, kitty. 345 00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:05,805 Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. 346 00:15:05,872 --> 00:15:07,941 Okay, I got her clean clothes. 347 00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:09,276 Great. 348 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:11,711 Now I just got to feed the damn cat. 349 00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:13,780 Come on, Sir Lancelot. 350 00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:15,615 Come out and eat your kibble. 351 00:15:15,682 --> 00:15:16,616 (cat yowling) 352 00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:17,817 Oh! 353 00:15:17,884 --> 00:15:21,454 Son of a bitch! 354 00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:23,390 I'm pretty sure if you just put the food out, 355 00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:25,158 he'll find it and eat it when he's hungry. 356 00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:27,460 Really? You'd think if he was that smart, 357 00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:30,763 he'd just crap in the toilet instead of a litter box. 358 00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:33,100 Oh, uh, did you change the litter yet? 359 00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:36,503 No. I was actually gonna offer you $20 to do it. 360 00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:37,937 I'll take it. 361 00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:40,040 Deal... 362 00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:42,409 Ha, ha. I would have done it for ten. 363 00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:45,445 Ha, ha. I would have given you a thousand. 364 00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,718 Whoa. Big cat. 365 00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:56,156 You know what I just realized, Alan? 366 00:15:56,223 --> 00:15:59,059 Cough syrup and hard liquor don't mix? 367 00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:01,428 No, they're delightful. 368 00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:04,364 I'm thinking that sooner or later, 369 00:16:04,431 --> 00:16:06,466 Chelsea's gonna want to move in with me. 370 00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:09,136 Yeah, if you marry her, that's a chance you take. 371 00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:14,241 And she's probably gonna want to bring Sir Craps-a-lot. 372 00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:17,277 You never know. 373 00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:20,013 He might want to get his own place. 374 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,350 I'm guessing he will before you will. 375 00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,185 Oh, Lord. 376 00:16:25,252 --> 00:16:27,587 This cat's been eating more than kibble. 377 00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:29,656 This turd's got feathers. 378 00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:35,495 You know, there's a real chance that someday, 379 00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:37,630 without any kind of warning whatsoever, 380 00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:40,200 Chelsea will up and decide to get sick again. 381 00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:42,469 And we're on the air with codeine and bourbon. 382 00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:44,637 Go ahead, caller. 383 00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:47,540 I'm just saying, I don't think I can go through it again. 384 00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:49,342 I'm not cut out to be a caregiver. 385 00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,411 Well, you might not think so, but you're doing it. 386 00:16:51,478 --> 00:16:53,813 I mean, you, Charlie Harper, are unselfishly taking care 387 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:55,115 of the woman you love. 388 00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:57,417 Maybe so, but... 389 00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:59,786 it's getting harder and harder to love her. 390 00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:01,154 You don't mean that. 391 00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:03,123 Oh, Alan, 392 00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:05,458 if you'd seen and heard the things I have 393 00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:09,762 in the last 24 hours, it'd turn you gayer than a French horn. 394 00:17:09,829 --> 00:17:13,066 Excuse me, but I have witnessed childbirth. 395 00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:15,202 I saw my son's enormous head poke out 396 00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:18,071 of what used to be one of my very favorite places. 397 00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:20,840 Thanks for the image. 398 00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:24,411 I'll never be able to watch the kid pull on a sweater again. 399 00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:27,747 Trust me. If you hang in there and show Chelsea 400 00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:30,517 that you'll stick by her even when she's not at her best, 401 00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:32,285 she will love you more deeply and intensely 402 00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:33,786 than you ever could have imagined. 403 00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:35,888 And you know this how? 404 00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:37,357 How else? Chick flicks. 405 00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:40,727 Oh. 406 00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:42,795 This is not a kitty cat. 407 00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:44,797 This is a mountain lion. 408 00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:46,099 Look. 409 00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,135 Hey, hey, hey, hey! 410 00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:57,944 * Men. * 411 00:17:58,010 --> 00:18:00,847 You need some more orange juice? 412 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:01,881 No, thank you. 413 00:18:01,948 --> 00:18:03,316 It was so nice of you 414 00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:05,084 to bring some up without me even asking. 415 00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,786 Don't tell Charlie. 416 00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:08,188 It's taken a long time 417 00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:10,790 to train him not to expect anything from me. 418 00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:12,792 Yeah. 419 00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:16,896 He really is crazy about you, you know. 420 00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:18,198 You think? 421 00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:20,032 Are you kidding? 422 00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:21,801 Charlie doesn't go near sick women. 423 00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:23,836 I mean, physically sick. 424 00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:27,374 Around here, one sneeze will get you cab fare 425 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,942 and a complimentary travel mug. 426 00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:33,746 I have noticed he's trying very hard. 427 00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:36,383 Just remember, when it comes to nurturing, 428 00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,651 Charlie's like a dog playing the piano. 429 00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:41,321 You can't fault him if he hits a few bum notes. 430 00:18:41,388 --> 00:18:42,922 You just got to applaud 431 00:18:42,989 --> 00:18:45,958 the effort and hope he doesn't whiz all over the keys. 432 00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:48,895 I understand. 433 00:18:49,862 --> 00:18:51,130 Thanks, Berta. 434 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:55,602 Just so we're clear, this ain't no hotel. 435 00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:59,138 You need more towels, you get 'em yourself. 436 00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:04,511 Sorry about that. 437 00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,946 You really can't expect much from her. 438 00:19:07,013 --> 00:19:08,648 I won't. 439 00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:12,352 Here. I got you clean clothes and underwear. 440 00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,554 The cat's fed, 441 00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:17,224 and the litter box is turd free. 442 00:19:17,290 --> 00:19:18,725 Thank you, Charlie. 443 00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:21,394 You have been so wonderful through all of this. 444 00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:24,030 I have, haven't I? 445 00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:26,466 I just want you to know 446 00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:29,302 I am definitely gonna make it up to you. 447 00:19:29,369 --> 00:19:30,837 Chelsea, to be honest, 448 00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:33,540 that's the only thing that's kept me going. 449 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,876 Uh-oh. 450 00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:38,311 Uh-oh, what? 451 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,849 (retching) (splattering) 452 00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:47,754 Oh, Charlie, I'm so sorry. 453 00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:49,589 No, no, it's okay. 454 00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:51,358 At least it's not wicker. 455 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,495 Excuse me a sec. 456 00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,536 (loud retching and splattering) 457 00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:05,705 * Men. * 458 00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:09,442 (coughing) 459 00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:13,580 (loud nose blowing) 460 00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:15,181 (coughing) 461 00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:17,550 Okay, I am going to go to the pharmacy 462 00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:19,051 and get your medicine. 463 00:20:19,118 --> 00:20:20,787 If you get it from Russell, 464 00:20:20,853 --> 00:20:22,655 count the pills. 465 00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:24,324 Will do. 466 00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:25,958 Hope you feel better. 467 00:20:26,025 --> 00:20:27,560 Thanks. 468 00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:29,829 Charlie, you don't mind Sir Lancelot being here, do you? 469 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:31,764 No, not at all. 470 00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:33,132 I love cats. 471 00:20:33,199 --> 00:20:35,835 Good. 472 00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:36,836 (coughing) 473 00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:38,305 (door closes) 474 00:20:38,371 --> 00:20:40,773 (scratching at door) 475 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:45,278 Don't scratch the door, Sir Lancelot! 476 00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:50,983 Did you clean my litter box? 477 00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:53,586 Oh, come on. I've been sick. 478 00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:57,056 Fine. I'll just use your facilities. 479 00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:59,426 Not in the tub this time, okay? 480 00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:02,929 Your house, your rules. 481 00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,700 (panting) 482 00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:09,101 (sighs) 483 00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:11,037 I'm not gonna make it. 484 00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:12,672 (coughing) 485 00:21:12,739 --> 00:21:20,447 Yes, you are.