1 00:00:01,602 --> 00:00:04,872 (both panting) 2 00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:06,307 Oh, man. 3 00:00:07,075 --> 00:00:08,642 That was intense. 4 00:00:09,710 --> 00:00:11,512 I need some fluids. 5 00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:20,988 I must have been down a quart. 6 00:00:21,055 --> 00:00:23,857 Guess that makes you up a quart, huh? 7 00:00:23,924 --> 00:00:25,626 Hey. 8 00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:27,895 You know what would be good right now? 9 00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:29,663 A pudding cup. 10 00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,132 I got some in the fridge. 11 00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:32,133 You want one? 12 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,302 (sobbing) 13 00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,070 Um... 14 00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:38,372 you have a bad experience with pudding? 15 00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:41,008 What are we doing, Charlie? 16 00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:43,977 Well, you're crying, and my best guess 17 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,247 is I'm about to apologize for something. 18 00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:49,049 Every time I come over, it's the same routine. 19 00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:52,220 We have Chinese takeout. Then we have sex. 20 00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:55,156 Then we roll over and go to sleep. 21 00:00:55,223 --> 00:00:58,826 Which is why I suggested the pudding. 22 00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:02,163 You know, mix it up a little. 23 00:01:02,230 --> 00:01:05,699 Besides, what about all the wonderful talking 24 00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:08,502 and joking and, you know, sharing we do? 25 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,204 Sharing? 26 00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:12,340 What do we share, Charlie? 27 00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:16,110 Well, uh, we share Chinese takeout. 28 00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:18,579 And, uh... hey, the other night, 29 00:01:18,646 --> 00:01:20,381 we watched the Laker game together. 30 00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:23,984 You watched it over my shoulder while we were having sex. 31 00:01:24,051 --> 00:01:27,388 Oh, come on. It was overtime. 32 00:01:27,455 --> 00:01:30,424 What kind of relationship is this? 33 00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:33,161 We don't go anywhere. We don't do anything. 34 00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:34,395 Where do you want to go? 35 00:01:34,462 --> 00:01:35,929 What do you want to do? 36 00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:37,231 I can get Laker tickets. 37 00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:40,134 I don't want to go to a basketball game! 38 00:01:40,201 --> 00:01:43,137 I want to know who you are. 39 00:01:43,204 --> 00:01:44,938 I want you to know who I am. 40 00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:47,074 I know who you are. 41 00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:48,276 You do? 42 00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:50,077 Okay, what's my middle name? 43 00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:51,879 Your middle name. 44 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,481 Okay. 45 00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:56,684 I know this. 46 00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:57,985 Sunburned boobs... 47 00:01:58,051 --> 00:01:59,052 What? 48 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,788 Hang on. Hang on. 49 00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:02,390 Sunburned boobs... 50 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,458 red boobs, red breasts. 51 00:02:04,525 --> 00:02:05,526 Robin. 52 00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:09,029 Little memory trick. 53 00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:11,465 My middle name is Christine. 54 00:02:12,366 --> 00:02:13,667 Not a very good trick. 55 00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:16,537 Who's my best friend? 56 00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:17,971 Where do I work? 57 00:02:18,038 --> 00:02:19,273 What's my cat's name? 58 00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:21,375 What's my favorite movie? 59 00:02:21,442 --> 00:02:23,010 What kind of music do I like? 60 00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:24,312 What religion was I raised in? 61 00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:26,847 And do I have any brothers and sisters? 62 00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:31,185 Okay, I'd like to start with the cat. 63 00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:34,755 I'm gonna go with... 64 00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:35,889 Fluffy. 65 00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:38,592 Drop dead. 66 00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:40,694 Snowball? 67 00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:42,029 Mr. Mittens? 68 00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:43,130 Tiger? 69 00:02:43,197 --> 00:02:44,131 Whiskers, Puss-Puss? 70 00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:45,599 (door slamming) 71 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,000 Oh, come on. 72 00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:48,602 What's my middle name? 73 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:49,337 Francis. 74 00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:50,804 No, it's not. 75 00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:52,640 Yes, it is! 76 00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:55,443 Show-off. 77 00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:58,446 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 78 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,781 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 79 00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:03,417 * Men. 80 00:03:03,484 --> 00:03:04,785 Oh, Chelsea, come on. 81 00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:06,954 How much do I need to know about you 82 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,789 other than I'm crazy about you? 83 00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,090 It's not that you don't know. 84 00:03:10,157 --> 00:03:11,692 It's that you don't care. 85 00:03:11,759 --> 00:03:13,126 I do care. 86 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,895 I just don't pay close attention. 87 00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,364 Good-bye, Charlie. 88 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:20,734 I mean, I pay attention, but I don't test well. 89 00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:23,537 Damn. 90 00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:30,678 What did you do, bring out the handcuffs too early? 91 00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,848 Apparently, I don't know her middle name. 92 00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:36,116 It's Christine. 93 00:03:36,183 --> 00:03:37,951 How do you know? She told me. 94 00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:39,720 Why did she tell you? I asked her. 95 00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:42,656 Why did you ask? How else do you get to know a person? 96 00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:43,991 Go away. 97 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,695 If a woman stormed out on me after sex, 98 00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:48,929 would you go away? 99 00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:51,265 That's beside the point. 100 00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:53,301 So, what happened? 101 00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:55,303 I don't know. 102 00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:56,537 We were having a nice night. 103 00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:58,238 Little lo mein, little sex. 104 00:03:58,306 --> 00:03:59,740 Then the crying started. 105 00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:00,474 Oh, yeah. 106 00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:02,743 Been there, done that. 107 00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:05,779 No, she was crying. 108 00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:10,651 She wants more out of our relationship. 109 00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:13,387 More what? I'm not sure. 110 00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:15,689 I know it's not pudding. 111 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,692 Well, what did she say? 112 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:21,595 She said I don't know her well enough. 113 00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:23,263 You tell me: what's more important to know? 114 00:04:23,331 --> 00:04:25,366 Her cat's name or which of her body parts 115 00:04:25,433 --> 00:04:26,767 you can't sneak up on? 116 00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:28,436 Well, I'm not sure 117 00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:30,504 one necessarily precludes the other. 118 00:04:30,571 --> 00:04:33,106 Yeah, well, I've never been mule-kicked 119 00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:35,976 for not knowing a cat's name. 120 00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:37,578 It doesn't matter. 121 00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:39,780 There's more where she came from. 122 00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:42,215 Speaking of which... 123 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:45,218 where does she come from? 124 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,755 I don't know, and I don't care. 125 00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:49,790 Davenport, Iowa. 126 00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:52,259 Bite me. 127 00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:54,862 Want to know her cat's name? No. 128 00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:57,398 It's Mandu. 129 00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,900 Mandu? 130 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:01,735 Yeah, you know, Cat Mandu. 131 00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:04,805 It's cute, huh? 132 00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:07,541 Why was I thinking Puss-Puss? 133 00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:10,378 Because that's what you're always thinking. 134 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,582 * Men. 135 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:17,551 What happened to all the pudding cups? 136 00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:19,353 I guess your uncle ate them. 137 00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:20,588 All of them? 138 00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:22,255 There were two 12-packs. 139 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,624 Have something else. 140 00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:27,861 No cookies? 141 00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,930 What the hell is going on around here? 142 00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:31,365 Hey, watch your mouth. 143 00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:32,633 I am watching it. 144 00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,101 It's empty. I need dessert. 145 00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:37,805 Son of a bitch. 146 00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:39,507 Jake! 147 00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:41,709 Frozen peas? 148 00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:43,611 What am I gonna do with frozen peas? 149 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,446 Well, if you want dessert, have an apple. 150 00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:47,515 Not funny, Dad. 151 00:05:48,382 --> 00:05:49,717 * Men. 152 00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:52,152 You sure I can't interest you in a pudding cup? 153 00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:53,320 Thanks. 154 00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:54,655 I'm okay. 155 00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:58,091 How about a chocolate chunk cookie? 156 00:05:58,158 --> 00:05:59,860 No, thank you. 157 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,763 Did you quit drinking? 158 00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:04,231 God, no. 159 00:06:04,297 --> 00:06:05,298 Why? 160 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,767 You seem to be experimenting 161 00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:09,069 with a new sugar delivery system. 162 00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:12,906 Anything bothering you lately? 163 00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:16,844 Well, there is this one thing, 164 00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:19,913 but I don't know if it's medical or psychological. 165 00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,549 Tell me. 166 00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:24,084 Lately, I've passed up 167 00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:27,621 a couple of opportunities to get some strange. 168 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:29,890 Strange? 169 00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:31,725 Um... 170 00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:35,095 women with whom I have not previously been acquainted. 171 00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:37,230 Oh, right, strange. 172 00:06:37,297 --> 00:06:38,298 Charming. 173 00:06:38,365 --> 00:06:39,933 Go on. 174 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,871 Anyway, I was wondering if there's something wrong with me. 175 00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:47,207 Because you passed up meaningless sex with strangers? 176 00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:48,942 Exactly. 177 00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:50,844 That's not like me. 178 00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:55,315 Hey, you know, I bet "strange" comes from "stranger." 179 00:06:55,382 --> 00:06:57,751 I wouldn't be surprised. 180 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:01,054 So, what else is going on with your life? 181 00:07:02,155 --> 00:07:03,691 Not much. 182 00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,460 I've been gaining a little weight for some reason. 183 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,396 Maybe 'cause I haven't been sleeping well. 184 00:07:09,463 --> 00:07:12,132 Yeah, that's probably it. 185 00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:17,705 Oh, and this one girl I've been seeing pretty regularly 186 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:19,139 decided to dump me. 187 00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:20,140 Huh. 188 00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:22,610 "Huh," what? 189 00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:24,244 Oh, nothing, it's just... 190 00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:27,247 sometimes I feel like I'm stealing your money. 191 00:07:27,314 --> 00:07:30,117 So, tell me about this woman. 192 00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:31,451 Chelsea? 193 00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:33,053 Not much to tell. 194 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,990 She's beautiful, sexy, smart, independent. 195 00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:39,359 Sometimes when she laughs, 196 00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:41,028 she makes a little snorting noise. 197 00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:42,530 It's really cute. 198 00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:43,664 Kind of like... 199 00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:45,633 (giggling, snorting) 200 00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:50,337 Not as cute when I do it. 201 00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:52,072 Sounds like quite a catch. 202 00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:53,340 She's okay. 203 00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:54,675 Why did she dump you? 204 00:07:54,742 --> 00:07:57,244 Who can understand a woman's mind? 205 00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:01,549 Yeah, we're pretty little puzzles, ain't we? 206 00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:03,751 So, it's not just me. 207 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,055 Anyway, for some reason, 208 00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:11,224 she suddenly became dissatisfied with our relationship. 209 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:13,026 Well, describe the relationship. 210 00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:14,127 It was great. 211 00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:16,196 She'd come over a couple times a week. 212 00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:19,099 Either she'd bring food or I'd have something delivered. 213 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,968 We'd have sex, then eat. 214 00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,937 Then, maybe have sex again, depending on what was on TV. 215 00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:27,474 And she became dissatisfied with that? 216 00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:29,677 I know, right? 217 00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:33,080 Ooh. 218 00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:34,181 Butterscotch. 219 00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:37,551 So, how did you feel about losing her? 220 00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,486 What do you mean? What do I mean? 221 00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:40,988 Come on, Charlie. 222 00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,657 Dr. Seuss could diagnose this. 223 00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,793 You're stuffing yourself with crap 224 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,895 to suppress your negative feelings. 225 00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:50,798 No, I'm pretty sure that's why I drink. 226 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,933 You have a choice here. 227 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,569 You can dig down and confront your feelings 228 00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:57,805 so they won't be controlling your behavior, 229 00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,207 or you can keep eating pudding and cookies 230 00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:03,276 until you have more chins than a Chinese phone book. 231 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,713 Hmm. 232 00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:07,280 No, what else you got? 233 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:09,650 Do you have a better idea? 234 00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:11,785 What if I could get Chelsea back? 235 00:09:11,852 --> 00:09:14,454 That would only be a temporary solution. 236 00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:15,823 So? 237 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,224 That's what people said about bourbon, 238 00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:18,759 and we've been together for almost 30 years. 239 00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:20,393 Okay, you're right. 240 00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:24,464 Go get Chelsea back, and all your problems will be solved. 241 00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:26,466 I'm sensing sarcasm. 242 00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:29,637 Oh, good, we're finally making progress. 243 00:09:32,039 --> 00:09:34,041 * Men. 244 00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:37,377 Here you go. 245 00:09:37,444 --> 00:09:39,446 What are you drinking? 246 00:09:39,512 --> 00:09:41,081 Chocolate caramel frappuccino 247 00:09:41,148 --> 00:09:43,083 with whipped cream and sprinkles. 248 00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:46,720 My nephew turned me on to it. 249 00:09:46,787 --> 00:09:48,121 You want some? 250 00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:51,524 No, thanks, I had a hot fudge sundae for breakfast. 251 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,727 Ooh, that sounds good. 252 00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:58,498 (slurping) 253 00:09:58,565 --> 00:09:59,532 Ah. 254 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:00,768 You look nice. 255 00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:05,405 I've got to get back to work, Charlie. 256 00:10:05,472 --> 00:10:06,439 What do you want? 257 00:10:06,506 --> 00:10:08,341 I just wanted to see you. 258 00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:09,509 See how you're doing. 259 00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:10,377 I'm fine. 260 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:11,779 Good. 261 00:10:11,845 --> 00:10:13,613 And how's your family back in... 262 00:10:13,681 --> 00:10:15,548 Davenport, Iowa? 263 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,751 I'm from Champaign, Illinois. 264 00:10:19,787 --> 00:10:21,354 You sure? 265 00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:22,622 I'm sure. 266 00:10:22,690 --> 00:10:25,659 Bastard set me up. 267 00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:27,460 What? 268 00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:29,329 Nothing, nothing. 269 00:10:29,396 --> 00:10:30,597 I miss you. 270 00:10:30,664 --> 00:10:33,633 I miss you, too, but it doesn't matter. 271 00:10:33,701 --> 00:10:35,635 Our relationship wasn't going anywhere, 272 00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:37,504 and you are incapable of change. 273 00:10:37,570 --> 00:10:38,939 It's not that I'm incapable. 274 00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:40,908 I've just been unwilling. 275 00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,976 Thanks for clearing that up. 276 00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:44,812 No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. 277 00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:46,346 I've been seeing a shrink. 278 00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:47,647 Really? 279 00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:49,649 Yeah, and I'm making a lot of progress 280 00:10:49,717 --> 00:10:52,720 confronting my-- what do you call them?-- personal issues. 281 00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:54,955 Well, I'm glad to hear it. 282 00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:56,423 (tapping): Come. 283 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:57,791 Sit. 284 00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:03,496 And check this out: the shrink's a woman. 285 00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:04,597 A real ballbuster. 286 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,133 I can't get away with anything. 287 00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:07,500 Ballbuster? 288 00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:09,102 In a good way. 289 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:12,239 You know, a buster of emotional balls. 290 00:11:14,474 --> 00:11:16,109 You should meet her. 291 00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:19,246 Are you suggesting we go to couples counseling? 292 00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:22,716 Um... 293 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,420 Sure. 294 00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:30,357 I mean, I want to work on our relationship, 295 00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:33,526 and what better way than couples counseling? 296 00:11:33,593 --> 00:11:35,128 You're serious. 297 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:36,997 Well, of course I'm serious. 298 00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:38,866 What, you think I'd blurt out something like that 299 00:11:38,932 --> 00:11:40,934 in the spur of the moment in a desperate attempt 300 00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:42,502 to keep you from leaving? 301 00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:44,337 It occurred to me. 302 00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:47,240 Well, clearly, you don't know me as well as you should. 303 00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:48,608 All right. 304 00:11:48,675 --> 00:11:49,777 Couples counseling. 305 00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:51,779 Wow, I'm impressed, Charlie. 306 00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:54,547 (chuckling): Me, too. 307 00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:56,616 Okay, I got to run. 308 00:11:56,683 --> 00:11:58,385 Let me know when our appointment is. 309 00:11:58,451 --> 00:11:59,719 Sure thing. 310 00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:01,989 Bye-bye. 311 00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:06,026 Oh, God, what have I done? 312 00:12:06,093 --> 00:12:08,028 * Men. 313 00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:10,831 * Men. 314 00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:17,104 Davenport, Iowa? 315 00:12:18,638 --> 00:12:19,706 Oh. 316 00:12:19,773 --> 00:12:22,776 Uh, did I say Davenport, Iowa? 317 00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:25,312 I meant Champaign, Illinois. 318 00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:27,614 Okay. 319 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,349 That's one for you. 320 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,651 Thank you. (chuckles) 321 00:12:31,718 --> 00:12:33,420 Ow! 322 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,090 And that's one for me. 323 00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:39,827 Now, I need some advice. 324 00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:41,528 Oh, and just a friendly heads-up. 325 00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:44,664 You screw with me again, it's gonna cost you some teeth. 326 00:12:44,731 --> 00:12:45,866 I'm listening. 327 00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:47,034 Wait a minute. 328 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,036 What's this about? 329 00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:51,872 Oh, he bought some stuff with his own money, 330 00:12:51,939 --> 00:12:53,440 and he doesn't want you eating it. 331 00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:55,142 Huh. 332 00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:02,349 You've been to couples counseling, right? 333 00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:03,083 Yeah, why? 334 00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:04,852 I'm going with Chelsea, 335 00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:06,686 and I need to know what I'm getting into. 336 00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:08,956 Oh, you're gonna love it. 337 00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:10,557 I am? 338 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,225 Absolutely. 339 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:16,163 Once a week, you sit on a couch with your significant other 340 00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:18,899 while she snips off your testicles, 341 00:13:18,966 --> 00:13:21,568 reaches up inside your chest cavity 342 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:24,571 and goes like this... 343 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,539 to your heart. 344 00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:30,010 That doesn't sound very good. 345 00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:32,445 Oh, it's horrible. 346 00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,147 But it's worth it 347 00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:36,683 because you're paying a stranger to watch 348 00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:39,186 while your life goes down the toilet. 349 00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:44,191 Along with your money and your house and your car 350 00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:47,094 and every last shred of your self-respect! 351 00:13:51,098 --> 00:13:54,167 You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask. 352 00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:55,768 Oh, no. 353 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,804 No, no, no, I'm the perfect guy to ask. 354 00:13:57,871 --> 00:13:59,606 When Judith and I started, 355 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,608 we were just a couple with a few problems. 356 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:05,245 When we finished, I came to live on your couch! 357 00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:10,450 God bless couples counseling! 358 00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:19,026 That better not be one of my pudding cups. 359 00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:25,332 Nope. 360 00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:30,870 * Men. 361 00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:40,313 (sighs) 362 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,648 Hi, Charlie. 363 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:42,749 Come on in. 364 00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:44,851 Shouldn't we wait for Chelsea? 365 00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:45,919 She's already here. 366 00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:47,820 Really? 367 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:50,557 That seems a little ambushy. 368 00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:52,825 Hi, sweetie. 369 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,094 You're late. 370 00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:55,728 I know. I know. 371 00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:56,930 I'm sorry. 372 00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:58,565 But... (clears throat) 373 00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:01,201 I have a good excuse. 374 00:15:01,268 --> 00:15:03,803 Happy first day of counseling. 375 00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:05,905 You brought a present? 376 00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:06,873 Yeah. 377 00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:08,208 Isn't that the protocol? 378 00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:09,142 No. 379 00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:11,644 So... 380 00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:14,214 you don't want this bottle of champagne? 381 00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:18,251 Bastard got me again. 382 00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:20,420 Well, why don't we get started. 383 00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:21,955 Hold on. Hold on. 384 00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:25,725 Does the name "Mandu" ring any kind of a bell? 385 00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:27,094 What? 386 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:30,097 I'm gonna kill him. 387 00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:33,233 Well, why don't we start out with why we're here 388 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,068 and what our goals are. 389 00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:37,370 Chelsea, would you like to go first? 390 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,905 Sure. 391 00:15:38,972 --> 00:15:41,141 I want to know if my relationship 392 00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:43,343 with Charlie can be more than... 393 00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:45,845 sex, TV, and Chinese food. 394 00:15:45,912 --> 00:15:46,980 It can. 395 00:15:47,047 --> 00:15:48,481 Right, Doc? 396 00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:49,616 Of course it can. 397 00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:50,883 Thank you. 398 00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,485 Well, this is good. 399 00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:53,786 This is progress. 400 00:15:53,853 --> 00:15:56,923 I have to say this has been a very good session. 401 00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:58,458 Where do you think you're going? 402 00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:00,360 Nowhere. 403 00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:03,230 Just... 404 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,232 stretching my legs. 405 00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:09,969 Charlie, before you got here, Chelsea mentioned 406 00:16:10,037 --> 00:16:12,539 that she feels you've fallen into a rut. 407 00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:13,273 A rut? 408 00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:14,874 We're not in a rut. 409 00:16:14,941 --> 00:16:16,843 When's the last time we did something new? 410 00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:18,011 (sighs) 411 00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:20,280 Hello? 412 00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:25,285 Great... and what else? 413 00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:27,520 Uh... 414 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,057 He's got nothing. 415 00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:32,392 Excuse me, but if this is gonna work, 416 00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:34,627 you can't jump all over me while I'm thinking. 417 00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:36,529 I'm sorry. Go ahead. 418 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:38,098 Thank you. 419 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,769 I got nothing. 420 00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:46,539 Okay, might I make a suggestion? 421 00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:49,442 Would you be willing to commit to Chelsea 422 00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:52,679 that maybe once a week, twice a month, 423 00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:54,181 you do something together 424 00:16:54,247 --> 00:16:56,516 completely outside your comfort zone? 425 00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:58,185 Done. No problem. 426 00:16:58,251 --> 00:17:00,753 So, we could go to the ballet, 427 00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:02,789 the opera, visit my parents, 428 00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:03,756 hang out with my brother, 429 00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:05,325 go hiking with my friends? 430 00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:06,826 Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 431 00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:08,928 I was thinking more like renting a chick flick 432 00:17:08,995 --> 00:17:11,198 and ordering Italian. 433 00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:12,532 This is hopeless. 434 00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:14,201 No, no, no, no, there's hope. 435 00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:15,568 There's always hope. 436 00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:16,669 Keep hope alive. 437 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,739 I can do those things. 438 00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:22,475 Come. 439 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:23,743 Sit. 440 00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:34,121 Charlie, has it ever occurred to you 441 00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:36,089 that you might enjoy doing new things 442 00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:37,457 and meeting new people? 443 00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:43,630 I know I'm supposed to say yes, but... 444 00:17:43,696 --> 00:17:48,368 every fiber of my body is screaming, "No!" 445 00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:52,605 All right, then I have to ask. 446 00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:56,209 Given that you and Chelsea are such different people, 447 00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:59,179 why do you want to be in this relationship? 448 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,381 Well... 449 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,184 'Cause I'm crazy about her. 450 00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:05,285 'Cause, when I'm with somebody else, 451 00:18:05,352 --> 00:18:06,753 I'm thinking of her. 452 00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:09,055 Not that I've been with anybody else. 453 00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:10,089 Tell her, Doc. 454 00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:11,658 He passed up strange. 455 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,627 See, that's got to mean something, 456 00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:17,497 considering how I used to, you know, live for strange. 457 00:18:18,331 --> 00:18:19,766 First time in the sack, 458 00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:21,301 she was the strange. 459 00:18:21,368 --> 00:18:24,271 Charlie, can I give you my opinion as your therapist? 460 00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:26,606 Sure. Shut up. 461 00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:30,610 Oh, God, I wish I could. 462 00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:32,445 Chelsea, look. 463 00:18:32,512 --> 00:18:35,248 I know I'm not perfect. (chuckles) 464 00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:36,749 Hey, hey, hey. 465 00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:38,017 I'm sorry. 466 00:18:38,084 --> 00:18:40,320 That was probably unprofessional. 467 00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:42,289 Anyway, 468 00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:44,324 you need to know 469 00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:46,426 that you mean everything to me, 470 00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:49,162 and I'll do whatever it takes to make this work. 471 00:18:49,229 --> 00:18:50,563 You really mean that? 472 00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:51,664 I do. 473 00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:53,666 Thank you, Charlie. 474 00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:59,239 Well, this has been very helpful. 475 00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:01,241 Sit down, Charlie. Sit down, Charlie. 476 00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:03,276 We're not done? 477 00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:05,545 Not even close. 478 00:19:05,612 --> 00:19:07,314 Oh, boy. 479 00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:09,816 What else could we possibly have to talk about? 480 00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:11,218 Well, there's always your mother 481 00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:12,785 and the fact that your relationship issues 482 00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:14,421 are linked to your anger towards her, 483 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:17,457 as well as fear of your latent homosexuality. 484 00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:22,161 It was kind of a rhetorical question. 485 00:19:22,229 --> 00:19:23,930 * Men. 486 00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:27,734 * Men. 487 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,173 ALAN: Charlie? 488 00:19:34,241 --> 00:19:35,542 Yeah. 489 00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:38,611 How was couples counseling? 490 00:19:41,948 --> 00:19:43,750 You really want to know? 491 00:19:51,758 --> 00:19:52,992 Sure. 492 00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:55,462 Tell me everything. 493 00:19:57,063 --> 00:19:58,231 Oh! 494 00:19:58,298 --> 00:19:59,699 Ow! 495 00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:01,501 Why? 496 00:20:01,568 --> 00:20:03,102 Why would you do that? 497 00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:06,373 You know, I've been asking myself the same thing, 498 00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:08,575 and the only thing I can come up with is: 499 00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:10,743 it's really, really funny. 500 00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,780 Go ahead. 501 00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:15,214 Yuk it up. 502 00:20:15,282 --> 00:20:16,916 Those were among the worst 503 00:20:16,983 --> 00:20:19,218 50 minutes of my entire life. 504 00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:20,253 I told you. 505 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,521 Didn't I tell you? 506 00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:22,054 Yep. 507 00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:23,456 You told me. 508 00:20:23,523 --> 00:20:26,859 I bet you left with your gonads in a guppy bag. 509 00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:28,361 I didn't get a bag. 510 00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:29,896 Going back next week? 511 00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:31,130 Uh-huh. 512 00:20:31,197 --> 00:20:32,399 $180 an hour? 513 00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,066 $240. Ooh. 514 00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:35,802 Licensed. 515 00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:37,470 (chuckling) 516 00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:40,039 You two kids will patch things up in no time. 517 00:20:40,106 --> 00:20:42,609 Hey, just because counseling didn't help your relationships 518 00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:44,110 doesn't mean it won't help mine. 519 00:20:44,176 --> 00:20:46,112 Right, right. 520 00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:48,448 Keep drinking that old Kool-Aid. 521 00:20:48,515 --> 00:20:50,517 Looking for something? 522 00:20:55,121 --> 00:20:57,724 Don't screw with me, kid. 523 00:20:57,790 --> 00:21:01,160 Now, hand over the pudding or you'll be sorry. 524 00:21:01,227 --> 00:21:03,262 Have an apple. 525 00:21:08,668 --> 00:21:10,236 Little turd called my bluff. 526 00:21:10,303 --> 00:21:16,075 (laughing) 527 00:21:16,142 --> 00:21:17,276 (loud smack) 528 00:21:17,344 --> 00:21:18,778 ALAN: Ow! 529 00:21:18,845 --> 00:21:20,847 * Men.