1
00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:05,639
Would you like
the last sausage?

2
00:00:05,706 --> 00:00:07,341
Oh, how about
we split it?

3
00:00:07,408 --> 00:00:08,709
Okay.

4
00:00:08,776 --> 00:00:10,078
Meet you in the middle.

5
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:12,380
Oh.

6
00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:13,547
Okay.

7
00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:14,615
Sexy.

8
00:00:21,055 --> 00:00:22,256
CHARLIE:
Aw.

9
00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:25,259
Nothing says love like
a little morning pork.

10
00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:29,463
Oh, hey.

11
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:30,731
You're home early.

12
00:00:30,798 --> 00:00:31,765
How was Vegas?

13
00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:32,833
(sighs)

14
00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:34,001
Never again.

15
00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:34,868
Oh, you lost?

16
00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:36,570
No, Alan.

17
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:39,607
I won so much freaking money
that I'm embarrassed to go back.

18
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:43,111
All right... well, uh,

19
00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:45,146
you remember Melissa?

20
00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:46,914
Of course he
remembers me, Alan.

21
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,583
He deflowered me,
then dumped me.

22
00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:52,786
No offense, sweetheart,
but your flower

23
00:00:52,853 --> 00:00:56,590
had been plucked and potted
long before I met you.

24
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:57,791
Okay, okay, look.

25
00:00:57,858 --> 00:00:59,493
Look, we're all adults here.

26
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,530
This doesn't have
to be awkward, you know.

27
00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:05,065
I mean, sure... Melissa
is my receptionist,

28
00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:07,034
and sure, she was with you,

29
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:09,770
and sure, that ended badly,
but, uh ...

30
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:14,642
Okay, I guess this does have
to be awkward.

31
00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:17,878
Honey, shouldn't we
be getting ready for work?

32
00:01:17,945 --> 00:01:19,247
Yes, yes, let's do that.

33
00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:21,081
You want to shower together?
Oh, great, great.

34
00:01:21,149 --> 00:01:22,783
Uh, let me just, uh,
start without you.

35
00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:25,586
There's a couple of things
I'd like to prewash.

36
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,890
There's a mental image
I didn't need.

37
00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:32,126
Charlie, I need to talk to you.

38
00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:34,362
I'm sorry I was a jerk.

39
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:35,729
I'm happy for you and Alan,

40
00:01:35,796 --> 00:01:38,266
and I will kick myself
for the rest of my life

41
00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:40,100
for losing someone
as special as you.

42
00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:42,503
No, silly, it's about
something else.

43
00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:45,506
Oh, good, 'cause evenI
didn't believe that.

44
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:49,643
Alan's birthday
is next Saturday.

45
00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:50,911
Really?

46
00:01:50,978 --> 00:01:52,146
I don't think so.

47
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:54,182
Yeppers. He's gonna be 40.

48
00:01:54,248 --> 00:01:56,584
Wow, that is so weird.

49
00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:58,719
My baby brother's gonna be 40.

50
00:01:58,786 --> 00:01:59,953
How old are you?

51
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:01,589
39.

52
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,493
That's what makes it so weird.

53
00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:09,797
Anyway, I think
we should have a party for him.

54
00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:11,165
Why?

55
00:02:11,232 --> 00:02:13,934
Because it's an
important birthday,

56
00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:15,569
and he deserves a big party

57
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,671
with all his friends
and loved ones.

58
00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:19,640
All right... all right,
let's break this down.

59
00:02:19,707 --> 00:02:21,275
You want him
to get what he deserves.

60
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:23,544
You want it to be
with his friends and loved ones,

61
00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:24,978
and you want it to be big.

62
00:02:25,045 --> 00:02:27,648
Uh-huh.
Pick one.

63
00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:29,750
Come on, Charlie.
Don't be such a pooper.

64
00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:32,786
If it's gonna be a fun party,
I need your help.

65
00:02:32,853 --> 00:02:33,921
You want it to be fun?

66
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,055
Don't invite Alan.

67
00:02:35,122 --> 00:02:36,657
Charlie...
Okay.

68
00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:39,427
Okay, you know who would love
to help you out with this?

69
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:40,228
Our mom.

70
00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:41,829
Really?
Oh, yeah.

71
00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:43,163
Nothing she likes better

72
00:02:43,231 --> 00:02:45,165
than extending herself
for other people.

73
00:02:45,233 --> 00:02:46,967
Good idea.

74
00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:48,035
I'll give her a call.

75
00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:49,603
You do that.

76
00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:53,574
Wait till she hears Alan's 40.

77
00:02:53,641 --> 00:02:57,044
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

78
00:02:57,110 --> 00:03:00,581
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh

79
00:03:00,648 --> 00:03:03,784
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh

80
00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:05,853
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *

81
00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:08,922
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

82
00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:12,326
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

83
00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:15,729
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.

84
00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:23,203
* Men.

85
00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:28,976
Charlie.

86
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,811
Wake up.
I need to talk to you.

87
00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:31,945
CHARLIE:
Don't move.

88
00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:33,881
Don't blink.

89
00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:36,417
Maybe she'll think you're dead
and leave.

90
00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:38,252
I know you can hear me, Charlie.

91
00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:41,054
She's bluffing.

92
00:03:41,121 --> 00:03:42,423
Just stay still.

93
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:47,328
(nasally):
Okay, don't panic.

94
00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:50,898
You've experienced
oxygen deprivation before.

95
00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:52,933
I can't breathe, Mom.

96
00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:55,503
Oh, good, you're awake.

97
00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:58,772
What can I do for you?

98
00:03:58,839 --> 00:04:02,810
I received a very unsettling
message on my answering machine,

99
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:05,045
and I would like you
to explain it to me.

100
00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:06,814
Okay, look.

101
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,484
Sometimes the liquor
makes me say hateful things.

102
00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:14,288
No, this message was from
some woman named Melissa.

103
00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:16,123
Alan's receptionist.

104
00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:17,825
Really?

105
00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:20,328
From the sound of her voice,
I'd guess she earns her living

106
00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:22,496
baking cookies in a hollow tree.

107
00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:26,734
Anyway, she's somehow gotten it
into her head

108
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,337
that Alan is turning 40
on Saturday.

109
00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:30,671
Yeah, so?

110
00:04:30,738 --> 00:04:31,972
Is she insane?

111
00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:35,042
Running around telling people
my son is 40?

112
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:36,176
I know.

113
00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:38,011
She's a bad person.

114
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,114
That's not all.

115
00:04:41,181 --> 00:04:43,451
She wants me to help
with a party.

116
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:45,653
Where in God's name

117
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:49,390
could she have gotten
such an idea?

118
00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:51,625
Beats me.

119
00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:54,094
Maybe the fact
that you're his mother

120
00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:56,897
confused the poor girl.

121
00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,332
(toilet flushing)

122
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:04,905
Oh, you're up.

123
00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:07,040
You've been cleaning
in there this whole time?

124
00:05:08,175 --> 00:05:10,844
Sure, let's say I was cleaning.

125
00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:12,346
Hey, Uncle Charlie,
if you're going out today,

126
00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:14,047
can I pull your car out
of the garage?

127
00:05:14,114 --> 00:05:16,950
No, I don't want you pulling
my car out of the garage.

128
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,118
Okay, I won't.

129
00:05:18,185 --> 00:05:20,454
From now on.

130
00:05:22,289 --> 00:05:23,757
Hey, what's, uh...
what's going on up here?

131
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,225
Oh, terrific.

132
00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:28,028
This meeting of the worst club
in the history of the world

133
00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:29,329
can now come to order.

134
00:05:29,397 --> 00:05:32,265
Madam President,
you have the floor.

135
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:33,934
Oh, I get it.

136
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,202
Sorry to interrupt.

137
00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:36,670
Go back to what you
were planning...

138
00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:38,138
uh, uh doing,
uh, whatever.

139
00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,306
(chuckling)

140
00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:41,609
Oh, uh, apropos
of nothing,

141
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,712
uh, I like red velvet cake
and close-up magic.

142
00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:49,583
Oh, crap.

143
00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:51,685
Now we have
to throw him a party.

144
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:52,853
Who?

145
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,121
Your father.

146
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,155
Why?

147
00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:57,157
It's his birthday.

148
00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:58,325
Oh.

149
00:05:58,392 --> 00:06:00,093
Can I bring a date?

150
00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:02,195
You got a date?

151
00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:03,363
That depends.

152
00:06:03,431 --> 00:06:04,398
On what?

153
00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:06,667
Can I borrow your car?

154
00:06:07,601 --> 00:06:09,437
You don't got a date.

155
00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:11,905
* Men.

156
00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:14,575
You know, we don't have
to go out to dinner

157
00:06:14,642 --> 00:06:16,109
just 'cause
it's my birthday.

158
00:06:16,176 --> 00:06:17,244
Don't be silly.

159
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:19,179
This is a very special night.

160
00:06:19,246 --> 00:06:21,148
How many times do you turn 40?

161
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,517
In my family, three or four.

162
00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:26,720
Well, the first time
is the one that counts.

163
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:28,388
Okay.

164
00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:30,658
So... so, it's
just us, right?

165
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,693
Of course, it's just us.

166
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,261
Who else would it be?

167
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:35,395
I don't know.

168
00:06:35,463 --> 00:06:37,698
My friends, family.

169
00:06:37,765 --> 00:06:40,100
A close-up magician.

170
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:43,637
Oh, darn, what gave it away?

171
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:45,673
Well, when I left the house,
Jake was taking a shower,

172
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:46,940
uh, Charlie had on long pants,

173
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:48,742
and Berta said she had
to quit early

174
00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:51,612
because she was going
to some loser's birthday party.

175
00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:54,281
Oh, good, I had her down
as a "maybe."

176
00:06:54,347 --> 00:06:56,584
Promise you'll act surprised.

177
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,187
* Men.

178
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,522
ALAN:
Oh!

179
00:07:01,589 --> 00:07:04,157
Oh, my God,
what a surprise!

180
00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:11,665
I don't know these people.

181
00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:14,502
We have a private room.

182
00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:16,504
Sorry.

183
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:18,305
(chuckling)

184
00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:20,508
We got a private room.

185
00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:22,409
Go back to your dinner.

186
00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:24,211
Ooh, gazpacho.

187
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:28,181
This is so nice.

188
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:31,184
(loudly):
A private, intimate dinner
for just the two of us.

189
00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:34,688
Oh, my God, you guys!

190
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:41,028
There's nobody here.

191
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:41,962
I don't understand it.

192
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:44,031
I told them
to be here an hour ago.

193
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:45,833
Yeah, well, what
are you gonna do?

194
00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:48,168
My family are a bunch
of thoughtless,

195
00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:50,203
selfish butt-wipes.

196
00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:53,841
Surprise.

197
00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:55,609
* Men.

198
00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:01,715
MELISSA:
Evelyn, smile.

199
00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:05,085
That's a keeper.

200
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,955
Listen, darling, are you going
to be cutting the cake soon?

201
00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:10,190
Because, actually,
I have a real party to go to.

202
00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:11,525
You can't go.

203
00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:13,527
We haven't even done
the speeches yet.

204
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:15,529
Oh, of course.

205
00:08:16,564 --> 00:08:18,498
Were we supposed
to write speeches?

206
00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:19,533
For what?

207
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:20,734
For Alan.

208
00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:23,270
Let him write
his own speech.

209
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,504
(glass clinking)

210
00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:27,007
Uh, can I have
your attention, please?

211
00:08:27,074 --> 00:08:28,742
I want to thank you
all for coming

212
00:08:28,809 --> 00:08:30,744
to celebrate this
wonderful occasion.

213
00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:32,746
I thought
it was Alan's birthday.

214
00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:37,417
And now it's time
to say a few words

215
00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:39,252
about the guest of honor.

216
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:41,088
I can think of a few words.

217
00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:42,422
(chuckling)

218
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:45,058
Not only is he
a terrific doctor

219
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,727
and fantastic boss,

220
00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:49,830
he is also good
and kind and smart

221
00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:53,100
and funny... and...

222
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:55,135
a really swell kisser.

223
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:56,837
I can still hear you.

224
00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:57,805
WOMAN:
Sorry I'm late.

225
00:08:57,871 --> 00:08:59,139
I was burning a fatty

226
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:02,009
with one of the busboys
in the parking lot.

227
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:04,111
How are you?

228
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:06,947
Everyone, this is
my mother, Shelly.

229
00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:09,149
Mom, this is Alan's
mother, Evelyn, and...

230
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,585
Sweetie, save your breath,
because I'm way too toasted

231
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:13,654
to remember a lot of names.

232
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:15,155
(giggling)

233
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:16,924
Ooh, bread.

234
00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:24,765
All right, well, uh,
now that we're all here,

235
00:09:24,832 --> 00:09:26,800
why don't we take turns
saying something

236
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:30,003
about Alan and how much
he means to us.

237
00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:33,040
Okay, Jake, you
want to start?

238
00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:35,175
No, I got to go make room
for cake.

239
00:09:36,944 --> 00:09:40,380
Uh, Berta, why don't you
get the ball rolling?

240
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:42,149
Sure.

241
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:43,583
What the hell?

242
00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:47,354
Zippy, I got to tell you,

243
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,557
when you first moved in,
I didn't really care for you.

244
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:51,692
(chuckling)

245
00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:52,893
You were a persnickety,

246
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,729
self-righteous,
smug son of a bitch.

247
00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:57,464
And now

248
00:09:57,530 --> 00:09:59,366
here we are, six years later.

249
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:02,202
Thank you.

250
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:07,174
Hear, hear.

251
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:09,342
Oh, okay.

252
00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:11,078
Anyone else?
SHELLY:
Okay.

253
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:12,780
I'll go.

254
00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:17,517
I have pictures of myself

255
00:10:17,584 --> 00:10:19,920
dressed in a forest ranger
uniform,

256
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:22,055
and I have absolutely no memory

257
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:25,292
of ever working
as a forest ranger.

258
00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:27,160
Thank you.

259
00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:33,333
All righty.

260
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,502
Uh, who's next?

261
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:36,469
Evelyn?

262
00:10:36,536 --> 00:10:37,738
Me?

263
00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:39,006
Isn't it enough
I carried him

264
00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:40,507
for seven and
a half months?

265
00:10:40,573 --> 00:10:41,709
You'd be surprised
how many women

266
00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:43,677
opt for the full nine.

267
00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:46,313
Come on, Evelyn, you
have to say something.

268
00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:48,716
Oh, fine.

269
00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:50,117
Alan, darling.

270
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:53,153
You were always
the good son.

271
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:58,391
Of course, your brother
didn't set the bar very high.

272
00:10:58,458 --> 00:11:00,794
Hear, hear.
Wait a minute.

273
00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:03,797
Charlie, do you want
to say anything?

274
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:06,633
Uh, all right.

275
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:09,069
(clears throat)

276
00:11:09,136 --> 00:11:11,739
Alan, you're my little brother.

277
00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:13,640
And I know
over the years

278
00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:15,075
I've tormented you.

279
00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:16,744
I've embarrassed you in public.

280
00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:19,813
I've tied you
to streetlights, car bumpers,

281
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,182
the occasional angry animal...

282
00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:26,253
Oh, remember that Fourth of July
when I used your ass

283
00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:27,821
as a launch pad
for my bottle rockets?

284
00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:29,389
(chuckles)

285
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:32,926
Anyway, I guess
what I'm trying to say is...

286
00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:34,862
thanks for the memories.

287
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:40,600
That's it?

288
00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:42,169
That's all you
have to say?

289
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:45,906
I suppose I could talk
about his bed-wetting.

290
00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:49,442
You people are horrible.

291
00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:50,643
No. Honey, it's okay.

292
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,679
No-no-no-no,
it's not okay.

293
00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:54,614
You should be ashamed
of yourselves.

294
00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:56,884
This is a warm
and wonderful human being

295
00:11:56,950 --> 00:11:59,452
and he deserves more,
especially from his family.

296
00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:01,789
I don't even know why you
guys showed up tonight.

297
00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:03,690
Well, I can't speak
for anybody else,

298
00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:05,158
but I'm getting overtime.

299
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,661
Come on, Alan.
We're leaving.

300
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,297
Really? Before the cake?

301
00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:12,432
You don't need people
who don't appreciate you.

302
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:15,568
Uh, well, no, but I do
kind of need Charlie's house.

303
00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:16,970
No, you don't.

304
00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:19,339
You'll come live with me
and Mom. Right, Mom?

305
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:23,043
You know, I did spend a summer
in Yosemite doing shrooms,

306
00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:26,279
so maybe I wasn't
an official forest ranger.

307
00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:28,648
Let's go.

308
00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:30,050
Mom, we're leaving.

309
00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:31,451
Okay.

310
00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:34,321
I'm sorry. This is
the best bread I ever had.

311
00:12:39,726 --> 00:12:42,762
Who likes magic?

312
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:46,800
I shaved for this?

313
00:12:49,736 --> 00:12:52,005
* Men. *

314
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:11,658
Berta?

315
00:13:11,724 --> 00:13:14,227
Who's asking?

316
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,695
What's wrong?

317
00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:17,530
Too much celebrating last night.

318
00:13:17,597 --> 00:13:20,700
I didn't notice you
drinking at Alan's party.

319
00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:22,802
No, afterward.

320
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:24,804
With the magician at his place.

321
00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:28,876
You went back to his place?

322
00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:31,178
Well, technically, his van.

323
00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:34,647
Well, why didn't you
just stay home?

324
00:13:34,714 --> 00:13:36,116
If I stay home,
you don't pay me.

325
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:41,388
So you just came in
to lie on my couch?

326
00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:43,523
Tough times, Charlie.

327
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:46,526
Some people are living
in their vans.

328
00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:48,528
(phone ringing)

329
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:50,330
Oh, make it stop!

330
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,703
Hello?

331
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:59,006
Hi, Mom.

332
00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:01,208
Alan? Nah, he didn't come home.

333
00:14:02,109 --> 00:14:03,410
You're right.

334
00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:04,477
We were funny.

335
00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:06,379
He just overreacted.

336
00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:09,950
I'm sure
he'll come back eventually.

337
00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:11,318
He always does.

338
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:13,954
You should've named him
"Herpes."

339
00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:22,896
Yeah, I wish I'd thought
of it last night, too.

340
00:14:25,132 --> 00:14:27,367
Talk to you later.

341
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:29,402
So what are we going
to do today?

342
00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:32,039
Aren't you going
to ask about your dad?

343
00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:33,606
What about him?

344
00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:37,077
Were we not at the same party
last night?

345
00:14:37,144 --> 00:14:38,545
Did you not notice

346
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:39,846
when you finally came out
of the toilet

347
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:41,514
that your father was gone?

348
00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:45,285
You know,
now that you mention it...

349
00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:50,457
Herpes, Jr.

350
00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:57,897
Oh.

351
00:14:57,965 --> 00:14:59,366
Look who's back.

352
00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:00,267
I'm not back.

353
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:01,601
I just came to get my stuff.

354
00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:03,836
You're really going
to milk this thing, huh?

355
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:04,671
I'm not milking anything,
Charlie.

356
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,073
There is no milk.

357
00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:07,874
I'm moving in with Melissa
and her mother.

358
00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:09,542
Sounds like milk to me.

359
00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:13,313
I need to be someplace
where I'm appreciated,

360
00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:16,549
someplace where
I'm nurtured and loved.

361
00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,518
(mooing)

362
00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:24,724
You're not taking me
seriously, are you?

363
00:15:24,791 --> 00:15:26,726
Oh, come on, Alan.

364
00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:27,927
You ain't going anywhere.

365
00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:29,362
You know it. I know it.

366
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:32,299
The seagulls out there
crapping on my deck know it.

367
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,303
"You think he'll be back?"

368
00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:41,074
"Oh, yeah."

369
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:47,314
No, no. This is it.

370
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:49,983
This is where I cut the cord!

371
00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:54,054
Oh, man.

372
00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:57,124
I think David Copperfield
slipped me a roofie.

373
00:15:59,092 --> 00:16:00,693
* Men. *

374
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,862
I really appreciate you
taking me in like this.

375
00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:04,497
Yeah, we love you, Alan.

376
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:05,765
We want you here.

377
00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:09,069
You're a good man,
and you have a beautiful soul.

378
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:10,703
It is beautiful, isn't it?

379
00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:13,340
God forbid my family
should notice.

380
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:15,008
Oh, damn, I knew
I'd forget something!

381
00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:17,110
What'd you forget?
My son.

382
00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:20,980
Well, that's no problem.

383
00:16:21,048 --> 00:16:22,682
We'll just move Mom's
hydroponic equipment

384
00:16:22,749 --> 00:16:24,817
out of the garage
and make a bedroom for him.

385
00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:26,386
"Hydroponic equipment"?

386
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,921
I'm a bit
of a horticulturist.

387
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,957
A little herb garden.

388
00:16:31,024 --> 00:16:32,292
Ah, okay.

389
00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:34,461
Well, uh, uh,
just a heads-up,

390
00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:36,163
I love my son and everything,

391
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:39,032
but he hasn't quite gotten
to "beautiful soul" yet.

392
00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:41,301
He's more "methane cloud."

393
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:43,570
He's still one
of God's flowers.

394
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:47,140
All he needs is a little love,
ultraviolet light, potassium

395
00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:49,676
and he'll grow
into some righteous chronic.

396
00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:58,085
* Men. *

397
00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:03,156
(snoring lightly)

398
00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:06,059
Quitting time.

399
00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:17,370
(TV playing music)

400
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:21,007
What are you doing here?

401
00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:22,509
I'm watching TV.

402
00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:24,844
Why didn't you go
with your dad?

403
00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:25,812
Dad was here?

404
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,716
Yeah, he came by
to get his stuff

405
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:31,251
and I figured that included you.

406
00:17:31,318 --> 00:17:32,919
I'm not stuff, Uncle Charlie.

407
00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:34,121
I'm a human being.

408
00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:36,055
Don't flatter yourself.

409
00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:39,526
And turn off the TV.

410
00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:40,827
I'm taking you
back to your mom's.

411
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,562
Mom and Herb are in Mexico.

412
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:43,563
For how long?

413
00:17:43,630 --> 00:17:44,664
I don't know.

414
00:17:45,765 --> 00:17:47,400
Turn off the TV.

415
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:49,136
I'm taking you to Mexico.

416
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:51,404
Can I drive?

417
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,008
* Men. *

418
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,544
You all comfy, cozy?

419
00:17:57,610 --> 00:17:59,346
Uh-huh.

420
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,880
Mom made you
some hot chocolate.

421
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:02,349
Oh, thank you.

422
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,083
Oh, and it's got
those little marshmallows.

423
00:18:04,151 --> 00:18:05,885
I love those.

424
00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:08,087
Good. I'm going
to the market.

425
00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:09,088
What would you
like for dinner?

426
00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:10,623
Oh, gosh, I don't know.

427
00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:11,624
What do you want?

428
00:18:11,691 --> 00:18:14,761
I want to please you.

429
00:18:17,897 --> 00:18:20,099
Really?

430
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:22,302
No one's ever said that
to me before.

431
00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:24,771
Get used to it.

432
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:25,905
(sobs)

433
00:18:25,972 --> 00:18:27,940
I'll try.

434
00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:30,143
Now, what can I get you?

435
00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:32,545
Um, well...
you know the macaroni

436
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,046
that's shaped like
the little wagon wheels?

437
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,148
I do.

438
00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:37,817
I like that with melted cheese.

439
00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:39,752
You got it.

440
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:44,090
Oh, and maybe a couple of those
bottled wine spritzers?

441
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:45,458
Okeydoke.

442
00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:49,162
(door closes)

443
00:18:49,229 --> 00:18:51,431
* I'm getting mac
and spritzers *

444
00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:54,301
* I'm getting
mac and spritzers. *

445
00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:57,103
Here you go, bright eyes.

446
00:18:57,170 --> 00:18:58,938
I made you some banana bread.

447
00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:00,072
Aw, really?
Mm-hmm.

448
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,509
Banana bread?
Oh, thank you.

449
00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:05,878
Wow, it's still warm.

450
00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:07,314
Mmm, right out of the oven.

451
00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:10,317
Mmm. Oh, that's, uh,
that's very unusual.

452
00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:13,586
Uh, I'm tasting bananas
and, uh, what is that, nutmeg?

453
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,422
Nope.

454
00:19:16,423 --> 00:19:17,590
Mmm, that's good.

455
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,259
You know what?
You might want to just start

456
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:20,860
with half a piece.

457
00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:30,737
I can't believe it.

458
00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:32,905
Believe what?

459
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:34,707
I think I miss him.

460
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:36,709
Miss who?

461
00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:41,448
Your father.
Oh.

462
00:19:42,315 --> 00:19:43,950
What about you?

463
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,952
What about me what?

464
00:19:47,654 --> 00:19:48,921
Do you miss him?

465
00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:50,923
Who?

466
00:19:51,991 --> 00:19:53,393
Your father.

467
00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:55,562
Why? Where is he?

468
00:19:57,264 --> 00:19:59,399
* Men. *

469
00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:06,306
Honey, they didn't have
any spritzers, so I got you

470
00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:08,074
7Up and sangria.

471
00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:10,777
* Nights in white satin

472
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:15,815
* Never reaching the end

473
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,619
* Letters I've written...

474
00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:20,820
Alan?!

475
00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:23,756
Oh, hey, baby.

476
00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:26,326
Have you tried
your mom's banana bread?

477
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,829
* Men. *

478
00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:41,107
I'm back.

479
00:20:41,173 --> 00:20:43,676
I'm shocked.

480
00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:49,215
Hey, Alan?

481
00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:51,718
Yeah?

482
00:20:51,784 --> 00:20:53,185
Happy birthday.

483
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,422
Thank you.

484
00:20:59,191 --> 00:21:00,627
I told you he'd be back.

485
00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:34,827
Who?