1 00:00:00,701 --> 00:00:01,702 * Men. * 2 00:00:01,769 --> 00:00:06,006 Let's see, sperm meets egg here. 3 00:00:06,074 --> 00:00:09,043 30 days has September, 4 00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:11,312 all the rest have 31, 5 00:00:11,379 --> 00:00:14,148 except for Judith, who has 28. 6 00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:16,350 CHARLIE: Hey, Alan. 7 00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:17,985 Meet Don. 8 00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:19,353 Hello, Don. 9 00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:21,089 Hello, Alan. 10 00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:23,657 Don drove me home 11 00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:24,992 and I don't have any money. 12 00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:27,528 Okay, uh, is Don a cabbie? 13 00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:29,029 No, no. 14 00:00:29,097 --> 00:00:33,167 Don is a close, personal friend. 15 00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:34,535 Don is a cabbie. 16 00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:37,938 He has enough friends, and he wants his $80. 17 00:00:38,005 --> 00:00:39,039 What happened to your money? 18 00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:40,574 Good question. 19 00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:44,044 You know how easy Texas Hold 'Em looks on TV 20 00:00:44,112 --> 00:00:46,547 when you can see the other guys' hole cards? 21 00:00:46,614 --> 00:00:47,348 Yeah. 22 00:00:47,415 --> 00:00:49,383 Very different in real life. 23 00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:55,423 Uh, 20, 40, 60, 24 00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:57,391 80. 25 00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:59,059 No tip? 26 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,695 Hold on. 27 00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:06,634 Let's see, five dollars... 28 00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:08,202 Keep your money, Mr. Trump. 29 00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:10,771 You need it more than I do. 30 00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:13,841 Are we still on for lunch? 31 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:18,812 (Don speaking Hindi) 32 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:22,983 I think you offended Don. 33 00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:24,285 He'll get over it. 34 00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:25,719 Where's your car? 35 00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:27,421 Don't change the subject. 36 00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:29,590 (slurring): You owe Don an apology. 37 00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:32,560 Oh, hey, a calendar. 38 00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:33,627 Yeah. 39 00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:37,931 What's "JMC" stand for? 40 00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:38,966 Nothing. 41 00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:39,900 Oh, come on. 42 00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:42,836 John Mellencamp Cougar? 43 00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:44,272 No. 44 00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:46,907 Jumping Methodist... 45 00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:48,108 (slurring): cougar? 46 00:01:48,176 --> 00:01:50,077 No. 47 00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:52,112 Then I give up. 48 00:01:52,180 --> 00:01:53,647 Well, if you must know, 49 00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:56,150 it stands for "Judith's menstrual cycle." 50 00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:01,989 Get out. 51 00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:03,457 No, look. 52 00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:06,126 This is when Judith and Herb broke up. 53 00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:08,962 And this is the day that I had sex with her. 54 00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:10,864 Dude... 55 00:02:10,931 --> 00:02:12,633 you need a better hobby. 56 00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:17,538 Judith is now five months pregnant. 57 00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:19,273 Oh, yeah, right. 58 00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:21,209 She's probably in that sweet spot 59 00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:22,943 where her boobs are big and cushy 60 00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:25,313 but her ass is still normal. 61 00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:26,714 Charlie, it is almost certain 62 00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:29,883 that I am the father of Judith's baby. 63 00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:32,320 Are you still grinding on this? 64 00:02:32,386 --> 00:02:33,421 What if it's a girl? 65 00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:35,022 I always wanted a daughter. 66 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:38,726 I finally get one and some other guy gets to be her dad. 67 00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:40,294 I feel like the universe 68 00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:42,763 is playing some horrible practical joke on me. 69 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,097 Wow. 70 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:48,035 I lost $8,000 playing poker. 71 00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:50,003 I have no idea where my car is, 72 00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:52,473 threw up in my mouth three times, 73 00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:56,477 and I'm still having a better night than you are. 74 00:02:58,078 --> 00:02:59,747 I don't expect you to understand. 75 00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:01,749 You don't know the joy of being a parent. 76 00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:04,652 Of watching a part of you grow and develop, 77 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:07,388 blooming into a fully formed human being. 78 00:03:07,455 --> 00:03:09,957 (gagging, coughing) 79 00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:22,836 Four times. 80 00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:25,473 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 81 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:29,243 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 82 00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:31,679 * Men. * 83 00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:33,481 Hi. Hi. 84 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:35,683 Jake, your father's here. 85 00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,751 So, how you doing? 86 00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:38,552 Good. 87 00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:39,853 Over the morning sickness? 88 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,154 Yes, Alan. 89 00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,623 Uh, by my calculations 90 00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:45,626 probably about a week, ten days ago? 91 00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:46,927 That sounds right. 92 00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:48,262 Good, good. 93 00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:49,663 You have a nice break till the, uh, till 94 00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,632 the old hemorrhoids come a-callin'. 95 00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:53,501 Jake! 96 00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:58,839 Judith, are we gonna talk about the elephant in the room? 97 00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,007 What elephant? 98 00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,910 Come on, you, me, the baby? 99 00:04:02,976 --> 00:04:04,612 I mean, we did have unprotected sex... 100 00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:06,880 You shut your mouth. We did not. 101 00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:08,682 Yes, we did. Read my lips. 102 00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,884 We did not have sex. 103 00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:12,753 Oh, hey, Alan. How goes it? 104 00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:13,787 Oh, uh, fine, Herb. 105 00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:14,755 Uh, how you doing? 106 00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:16,023 Proud as a peacock. 107 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,691 Honey, did you show him the sonogram? 108 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:18,492 No. 109 00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:19,860 Oh, you should see her, Alan. 110 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,495 Her? So, it is a girl? 111 00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:23,664 Yep, one fresh-faced little fetus 112 00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:25,566 sans wee-wee. 113 00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:29,202 I always wanted a sans wee-wee. 114 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:30,571 Well, you can't have mine. 115 00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:32,773 (laughing): No, no, of course not. 116 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,542 Hey, wanna see how we're decorating the nursery? 117 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,176 He doesn't wanna see the nursery, Herb. 118 00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:37,277 Sure I would. You going with mermaids? 119 00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:38,512 Little girls love mermaids. 120 00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:41,014 Actually, I was thinking little ponies. 121 00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:42,816 Little ponies? Yeah, why? 122 00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:44,151 Oh, gosh... 123 00:04:44,217 --> 00:04:47,355 Little ponies have little penises. 124 00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,990 Really? I didn't notice that on the stencils. 125 00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:50,824 Let's go take a look. 126 00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,059 I'm ready. 127 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,561 Oh, uh, I'll be right back. 128 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:54,728 I'm just going to go see the baby's room. 129 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:57,197 He never wants to see my room. 130 00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:58,999 That's because your room is a pig sty. 131 00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:01,702 I didn't ask for a reason. 132 00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:05,739 * Men. 133 00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,478 Alan, buddy, 134 00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:12,446 I'm getting a little concerned about your drinking. 135 00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:13,981 I don't have a problem. 136 00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,449 Well, I do. 137 00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:18,085 You're swillin' my good stuff. 138 00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:21,355 Here. 139 00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:23,924 Have some Old Wal-Mart. 140 00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:26,660 Thank you. 141 00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:28,529 What's this? 142 00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:31,399 Ugh, a diary I kept during Judith's pregnancy. 143 00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:32,833 Jennifer, Jocelyn, 144 00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:34,468 Jasmine, Jolene? 145 00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:36,504 Some of the names that we picked out 146 00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,472 in case Jake had been a girl. 147 00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:41,475 Oh, man, can you imagine him as a chick? 148 00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:43,877 Woof! 149 00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:48,048 Yeah, well, that's not how it turned out. 150 00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:49,417 Think about it though. 151 00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:51,385 Every weekend, me, you 152 00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:53,521 and a big ugly girl with a bad haircut. 153 00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:55,556 I'm gonna have a daughter, Charlie. 154 00:05:55,623 --> 00:05:58,291 Okay, okay, first of all, 155 00:05:58,358 --> 00:05:59,960 you don't know it's your kid. 156 00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,930 All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up 157 00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:04,598 you nailed Judith. 158 00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:06,600 Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith. 159 00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,235 So, the only thing we know for sure 160 00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,237 is that despite all outward appearances, 161 00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:12,239 Judith is a slut. 162 00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:14,341 Hey, I'm aware that technically 163 00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:15,976 either one of us could be the father, 164 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,344 but I know in my gut 165 00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:19,547 that this is my sweet bastard child. 166 00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:21,181 You don't know squat. 167 00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:23,484 And you wanna talk technically? 168 00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:24,985 Technically, 169 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:27,988 maybe neither one of you is the father. 170 00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,022 Oh, dear God, Charlie. 171 00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:30,290 What have you done? 172 00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:32,225 Not me, you fool. 173 00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:34,361 Although if I had known she was that easy, may... 174 00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:35,763 Stop! 175 00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:38,599 All I'm saying is there could very well be 176 00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:40,534 some guy in her driveway with a leaf blower 177 00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,670 pining away for "baby Juanita." 178 00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,572 That's just ridiculous. 179 00:06:44,638 --> 00:06:46,540 Judith won't even eat Mexican food. 180 00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:50,010 Look, even if you're right, 181 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,411 doing anything about it, 182 00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:52,379 it's just gonna destroy a marriage. 183 00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,114 I know, I know. 184 00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:56,550 It's just... it's so hard to ignore my paternal instincts. 185 00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:59,453 Sure, I see those instincts with Jake 186 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:00,488 and I admire them. 187 00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:01,989 If I was his dad, 188 00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:03,557 I would've dropped him off at an orphanage 189 00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:05,693 with 20 bucks and a bag of doughnuts. 190 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:06,894 No, you wouldn't. 191 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,729 He was adorable when he was a baby. 192 00:07:08,796 --> 00:07:09,863 Baby? 193 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,600 I'm talking about last week. 194 00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:15,769 I walked into his room. 195 00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:17,871 He was trying to bite his toenails. 196 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,707 Let's be honest. 197 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:22,342 That's monkey behavior. 198 00:07:22,409 --> 00:07:24,411 My son is not a monkey. 199 00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:27,414 My point here is, forget the baby. 200 00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:28,916 You've already got a kid to raise. 201 00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:30,183 Yeah, I guess. 202 00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,619 Hey. 203 00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,629 He's not a monkey. 204 00:07:42,530 --> 00:07:44,865 * Men. * 205 00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:50,237 Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? 206 00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,404 I don't wanna watch football. 207 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,641 Nobody cares what you wanna watch. 208 00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:56,544 Why do you get to decide everything around here? 209 00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:58,078 Oh, I don't know. 210 00:07:58,145 --> 00:08:00,413 Maybe it's because I bought everything around here. 211 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,115 Oh, right, play the money card. 212 00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:03,183 That's all you got. 213 00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:05,218 That's all I need. 214 00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:06,754 Now shut up. 215 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:10,624 (softly): No, you shut up. 216 00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:16,597 All right, I'm gonna count to three 217 00:08:16,664 --> 00:08:19,066 and then I'm gonna kick your ass. 218 00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:21,635 Ooh, I'm scared. 219 00:08:22,536 --> 00:08:23,571 One. 220 00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:27,641 Two. I'm only leaving 'cause I'm bored. 221 00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,913 He keeps growing, I'm screwed. 222 00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:34,982 Hey, hey, uh, 223 00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:36,984 you wanna hear what I wrote the night you were born? 224 00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:38,318 Not really. 225 00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:39,753 Oh, come on. Come on. 226 00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:41,121 Uh, sit down. You'll like it. 227 00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:45,225 It's kind of a poem. 228 00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:46,827 Um... 229 00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:50,230 "My son, my son, my only one. 230 00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:53,466 "You open my heart like the morning sun. 231 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:56,003 "Your tiny face, your tiny hand. 232 00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:59,873 "Never have I felt a love so grand." 233 00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:03,210 Gay. 234 00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:11,551 What do you know about poetry, you monkey? 235 00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,689 * Men. * 236 00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:19,359 Oh, hey, Herb. 237 00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:20,828 Just thought I'd stop by and see 238 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,462 if you needed any help with the baby's room. 239 00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:23,430 Thanks, I'm painting today. 240 00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:24,765 Oh, great. 241 00:09:24,832 --> 00:09:28,268 Just call me Vincent Van "Gogh-ing" to help you. 242 00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:31,338 Funnier in my head. Let's go. 243 00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:33,641 Oh, Judith, look who stopped by 244 00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:35,042 to help paint the baby's room. 245 00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:36,543 Surprise. 246 00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:37,845 Herb doesn't need any help, Alan. 247 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,546 Yes, I do. Yes, he does. 248 00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:40,648 HERB: Come on, I'm just 249 00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:42,315 finishing up the base coat, 250 00:09:42,382 --> 00:09:44,351 but I'm gonna start on the unicorn stencils. Unicorns? 251 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:47,120 Oh, Herb, that's just a pony with a strap-on! 252 00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,989 * Men. * 253 00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:52,392 * Men. * 254 00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:54,094 I know, tell me about it. 255 00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:57,631 It's like nine kinds of "suck" in an eight-suck bag. 256 00:09:57,698 --> 00:09:58,531 Hey, Jake? 257 00:09:58,598 --> 00:09:59,900 Gotta go. 258 00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:01,735 I didn't mean to interrupt your call. 259 00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:03,370 Yeah, well, you should've thought of that 260 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:04,838 before you barged in. 261 00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:08,809 Yeah. 262 00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:10,343 The reason I barged in 263 00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:13,480 was to apologize for threatening to kick your ass. 264 00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:14,782 I wouldn't really do that. 265 00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:17,284 You couldn't really do that. 266 00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:20,654 Anyway, 267 00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:22,723 I was thinking about ordering a pizza. 268 00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:23,891 You interested? No, thanks. 269 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:26,093 Maybe you didn't hear me. 270 00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:27,327 Pizza. 271 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,698 Dough, sauce, cheese, grease, meat. 272 00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:32,199 I've seen you lick the box. 273 00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:34,134 I'm not hungry. 274 00:10:34,201 --> 00:10:36,436 Okay, what the hell's wrong with you? 275 00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:38,371 Nothing. Fine. 276 00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:41,008 Be that way. 277 00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:43,143 I know what's going on here. 278 00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:47,715 You're bent out of shape 'cause your mom's having another baby. 279 00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:48,548 No, I'm not. 280 00:10:48,615 --> 00:10:49,649 It's okay. 281 00:10:49,717 --> 00:10:50,884 Nothing to be ashamed of. 282 00:10:50,951 --> 00:10:52,986 In fact, I know exactly how you feel. 283 00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:56,289 My mom's second child ruined my life. 284 00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:57,624 That's my dad. 285 00:10:57,691 --> 00:10:58,959 Uh-huh. 286 00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:02,629 Listen, it wasn't all bad. 287 00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:05,665 When babies grow up a little, you can have fun with 'em. 288 00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:07,667 You know, pee in their canteen, 289 00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:09,402 teach 'em to stutter. 290 00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:11,905 Of course, the down side is they're so damaged 291 00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:13,841 later on they move into your guest room 292 00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:16,076 with their kid and never leave. 293 00:11:16,143 --> 00:11:18,846 Not that I don't love having you here. 294 00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:21,348 You're a delight. 295 00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:23,450 I'm fine with the baby. 296 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,818 Really? 297 00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,854 Yeah. I'm actually kinda looking forward to it. 298 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,356 Well, that's a novel approach. 299 00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,324 So if it's not the baby, 300 00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:33,693 why have you been such a dillweed lately? 301 00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:34,862 None of your business. 302 00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:35,896 So it's a girl. 303 00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:37,530 Just get out of my room. 304 00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:38,598 Make me. 305 00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:40,801 God, you're such a child. 306 00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:46,673 Oh, yeah, it's a girl. 307 00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:49,076 Hmm, Jolene. 308 00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:49,743 Yeah. 309 00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:51,779 Jolene Melnick. 310 00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:53,680 Nope, I don't think so. 311 00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:56,349 Why not? You could call her Jo or Josie. 312 00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:59,152 Kinda wanted to name her after my Grandma Mildred. 313 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,788 Mildred Melnick? 314 00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:03,523 Yeah. We could call her Mil, or Millie. 315 00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:04,524 I'm sorry, Herb. 316 00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:05,893 But with a name like Mildred 317 00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:08,962 you might as well call her Staff Sergeant Melnick. 318 00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:11,098 Herb, can you get the cookies for me? 319 00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:12,365 Oh, sure. 320 00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:14,401 We, uh, keep 'em on the top shelf of the pantry. 321 00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:15,368 You know... Jake. 322 00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:16,636 Yeah. 323 00:12:16,703 --> 00:12:19,272 Charlie keeps his fudge nuggets in the trunk of his car. 324 00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:21,274 Thank you, dear. 325 00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,778 What are you doing here? 326 00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:27,247 I'm helping my friend, helping you. 327 00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:29,516 If not for me, our little girl would be surrounded 328 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,251 by metaphorical pony peni. 329 00:12:31,318 --> 00:12:32,853 Our little girl?! 330 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,321 Alan, I don't know what you imagine happened 331 00:12:34,387 --> 00:12:36,790 between you and me, but if you say anything to Herb, 332 00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:38,691 I swear to God I'll put a gun in your mouth 333 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,127 and paint these walls with your brains. 334 00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:43,797 I think we settled on mermaids. 335 00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,065 Cookie for my cookie? 336 00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:47,100 Oh, yum. Thank you. 337 00:12:49,669 --> 00:12:50,703 Wow. 338 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,372 Pregnancy's a wild ride, huh? 339 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,674 One minute she's loving and affectionate, 340 00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:56,844 the next minute she's, well... 341 00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:59,512 Cruel, vengeful, castrating? 342 00:12:59,579 --> 00:13:01,414 I was going to say moody. 343 00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:04,151 Wait for it. 344 00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,719 Of course I want to go to the party. 345 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:07,988 'Cause 346 00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:10,023 my stupid uncle won't let me. 347 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,693 I don't know, 348 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,028 'cause he's old and clueless. 349 00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:16,729 No, I can't sneak out. 350 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,999 'Cause I gotta be here to change his adult diapers. 351 00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:20,834 Otherwise he just sits in his own filth. 352 00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:23,336 I know, 353 00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:24,838 it's really gross. 354 00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:26,739 Hi there. 355 00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,275 Gotta go. 356 00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:32,545 You're not supposed to listen to my private conversations. 357 00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:35,415 You're not supposed to tell people I crap my pants. 358 00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,317 Okay, whatever. 359 00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:43,723 So what's the deal with this party 360 00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:45,558 that I'm supposedly not letting you go to, 361 00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:48,595 like I actually give a rat's ass about your social life? 362 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:49,863 Just leave me alone. 363 00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,731 You know that's not going to happen. 364 00:13:51,798 --> 00:13:55,435 Come on. You can trust me. 365 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,970 Did you trust me when I told you that? 366 00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:59,472 Um... I'm confused. 367 00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:01,008 Of course you are. 368 00:14:01,074 --> 00:14:02,943 Now tell me why you don't want to go to this party. 369 00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:04,411 I can't tell you. 370 00:14:04,477 --> 00:14:05,445 It's embarrassing. 371 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,247 Okay, okay. 372 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,017 How about I tell you something embarrassing 373 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,885 about myself first? 374 00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:13,353 Like what? 375 00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:14,821 Well, let's see. 376 00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:16,589 All right, 377 00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:19,426 about 15 years ago, I was in Bangkok. 378 00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:21,294 (giggles) 379 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,396 What? 380 00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:24,932 Bangkok. 381 00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:28,868 It's a real place, you nimrod. 382 00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:30,403 Still funny though. 383 00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:33,907 Anyway, I was in this bar 384 00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,875 and I met this beautiful woman, 385 00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:37,210 and I was a little drunk 386 00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:40,280 and I didn't notice the Adam's apple. 387 00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:44,251 But later that night.... 388 00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:48,922 Well, believe me, I was really embarrassed. 389 00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:52,125 Girls don't have Adam's apples. 390 00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:56,296 Oh, dude, you are such a 'mo. 391 00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:00,633 No, no, no, no, we just kissed. 392 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,435 Oh, that's even worse! 393 00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:04,871 All right. 394 00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:06,139 I shared. Now you share. 395 00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:07,975 You didn't have to share that. 396 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:12,479 A fart in the lunch line would've made your point. 397 00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,147 I get it. 398 00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:16,149 I'm sorry. Now talk. 399 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,952 Okay. 400 00:15:19,019 --> 00:15:21,121 Well, there's this girl I kinda like 401 00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:22,755 and she's gonna be at the party tonight. 402 00:15:22,822 --> 00:15:24,291 Uh-huh. 403 00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:27,427 And she... said she wants to hook up with me. 404 00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:28,561 And you're nervous. 405 00:15:28,628 --> 00:15:30,763 Well, she's gone out with a ninth grader 406 00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:32,365 and I think she's done stuff. 407 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,167 Okay, I get it. 408 00:15:34,234 --> 00:15:36,636 You've got yourself an experienced older woman 409 00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:37,704 who knows more than you. 410 00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,306 Everybody knows more than me. 411 00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:41,374 You should hear some of the things my friends have done. 412 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,809 Oh, please. 413 00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:43,843 How old are your friends? 414 00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:45,145 Same age as me. 415 00:15:47,047 --> 00:15:49,049 How old are you? 416 00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:50,683 Fourteen. 417 00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:53,020 Mmm, horrible age. 418 00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:54,887 All right, 419 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,456 first of all, 420 00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:59,059 whenever 14-year-old boys talk about sex, they're lying. 421 00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:00,994 But for a guy like you, 422 00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:02,829 the truth can be a powerful tool. 423 00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:04,597 (chuckles) 424 00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:06,966 What? 425 00:16:07,034 --> 00:16:09,669 Powerful tool. 426 00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:10,537 (sighs) 427 00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:11,638 Stay with me, Jake. 428 00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:13,740 How about a powerful tool in Bangkok? 429 00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:17,777 Jake, what I'm trying to tell you here 430 00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:19,612 is that the truth can work for you. 431 00:16:19,679 --> 00:16:21,681 What truth? That I don't know what I'm doing? 432 00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:23,483 Yep, play to your strengths, 433 00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:25,685 which in your case is ignorance. 434 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,056 Here, I'll show you. 435 00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:31,858 (clears throat) 436 00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:34,494 You gently cup her face in your hands, 437 00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:36,729 look her in the eye and tell her, 438 00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:38,531 "I'm new at this 439 00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:40,833 and I'm trusting you to be patient with me." 440 00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:42,735 You're kidding. 441 00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:44,537 Nope. 442 00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:46,339 Girls eat that crap up. 443 00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:48,341 And I'll tell you something else-- 444 00:16:48,408 --> 00:16:51,311 that line will work for you all the way through college. 445 00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:53,780 Or in your case, your second hitch in the Navy. 446 00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:56,849 Now go get dressed 447 00:16:56,916 --> 00:16:58,085 and I'll take you to that party. 448 00:16:58,151 --> 00:17:00,653 Thanks, Uncle Charlie. 449 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,189 No problem, buddy. 450 00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:04,424 Still didn't need to hear that Bangkok story. 451 00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:06,226 I'm sorry. 452 00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:08,761 It's going to give me nightmares. 453 00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:11,764 Welcome to the club. 454 00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:17,304 All right, we're agreed on a Montessori preschool. 455 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:18,871 But what about child care? 456 00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:21,241 Oh, well, uh, Judith's mother has already told us 457 00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:22,675 we can count on her for baby-sitting. 458 00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:24,777 Ooh. 459 00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:25,778 What? 460 00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:26,779 Oh, nothing, nothing. 461 00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:28,215 Lenore's a lovely woman. 462 00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:29,882 I'm, I'm sure the baby will be fine. 463 00:17:29,949 --> 00:17:31,918 Oh, okay, good. 464 00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:33,386 Yeah. 465 00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:35,655 She's probably got a lid on those demons by now. 466 00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:37,090 What demons? 467 00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:39,726 Oh, ah, well, it's no biggie. 468 00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:42,095 Um, she just, uh, hit a little rough patch 469 00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:43,496 with the prescription pills... 470 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,999 ...the intervention, the, the rehab. 471 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:49,802 There was an intervention? 472 00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:50,770 And rehab. 473 00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:52,071 Um, three times. 474 00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:54,774 Three times? 475 00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:57,110 Well, so far. Um.... 476 00:17:57,177 --> 00:17:59,112 Oh, dear God, what the hell happened? 477 00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:00,580 (sighs) 478 00:18:00,647 --> 00:18:03,082 Golly, I-I didn't want to be the one to tell you. 479 00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:05,485 Alan, please. 480 00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:06,819 (sighs) 481 00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:08,621 All right, um, 482 00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:10,790 Lenore was baby-sitting one night, 483 00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:12,859 and when Judith and I came home, 484 00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,328 we found her face down in a bowl of H agen-Dazs 485 00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:17,564 with a couple of Percocets in her hair. 486 00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:18,765 You're kidding. 487 00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:20,933 Well, that's not the scary part. 488 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,303 Um, we heard some shrieking 489 00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:26,306 and, uh, found baby Jake with his head stuck 490 00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:28,608 in a doggie door trying to fend off a raccoon. 491 00:18:28,675 --> 00:18:30,777 A raccoon?! 492 00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,111 Yeah. Yeah. 493 00:18:32,179 --> 00:18:34,247 We-we got him all the shots just to be safe, 494 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:36,983 but he was never the same after that. 495 00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:40,052 Judith never told me about this. 496 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,754 Well, it's her mother, Herb. 497 00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:42,589 What's she gonna say? 498 00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:43,956 But tell you what, 499 00:18:44,023 --> 00:18:46,693 sneak up on Jake one night wearing a Davy Crockett hat 500 00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:47,794 and see what happens. 501 00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:49,596 Anyway, 502 00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:52,565 if you ever need a-a sitter for little Jolene, 503 00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:55,101 you, uh, you call Uncle Alan. 504 00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:56,936 How's it going in here? 505 00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:58,004 Oh, honey, good news. 506 00:18:58,070 --> 00:18:59,406 Alan's offered to baby-sit 507 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:00,840 so we don't have to risk calling your mother. 508 00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:05,778 JUDITH: Get out! 509 00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:07,747 A raccoon?! 510 00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:08,815 And you believed him?! 511 00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:10,817 Are you insane?! 512 00:19:14,321 --> 00:19:16,789 * Men. * 513 00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:18,925 How do I look? 514 00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,694 She already likes you, right? 515 00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:22,829 Yeah. 516 00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:24,797 Then you look great. 517 00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:29,702 Let's go. 518 00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:33,540 Hello? 519 00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:35,675 Oh. 520 00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:40,780 I'm still not real sure about this. 521 00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:42,615 What's the big deal? 522 00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,016 I told you how to handle it. 523 00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:45,685 I know. 524 00:19:45,752 --> 00:19:47,354 I just... 525 00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:49,589 I just don't want to go. 526 00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:52,124 All right... 527 00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:53,260 All right. 528 00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:55,462 No hurry. 529 00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,630 It's not like they're going to stop makin' girls. 530 00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:04,237 Hey... 531 00:20:04,304 --> 00:20:06,038 how about we order that pizza and watch a movie? 532 00:20:06,105 --> 00:20:07,540 Cool. 533 00:20:07,607 --> 00:20:09,709 I should probably change back into my eating shirt. 534 00:20:09,776 --> 00:20:11,511 Don't worry. 535 00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:13,212 You can't ruin this shirt. 536 00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:15,515 (sniffing) 537 00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:17,183 What the hell is that cologne? 538 00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:19,386 Air freshener from the toilet. 539 00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:23,890 I figured I was spraying it anyway. 540 00:20:23,956 --> 00:20:26,526 * Men. * 541 00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:30,330 (doorbell rings) 542 00:20:37,203 --> 00:20:39,906 Oh, hey, Judith. 543 00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:41,207 What's up? 544 00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:43,175 Actually, quite a bit. 545 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:44,411 Is something wrong? 546 00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:46,413 No, uh, it's just, um, 547 00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:49,882 I think it's time you knew the truth. 548 00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:51,250 What truth? 549 00:20:51,318 --> 00:20:54,521 Marlene Melnick is your daughter. 550 00:20:56,623 --> 00:20:58,525 I knew it! 551 00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:00,560 For 14 years I've known it. 552 00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:02,194 Well, I told her everything 553 00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,831 and she wants to live with her real dad. 554 00:21:04,897 --> 00:21:07,199 That's great. 555 00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:08,601 It's okay, honey. 556 00:21:08,668 --> 00:21:10,937 Come on in. 557 00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:12,939 Hi, Daddy. 558 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,415 Got anything to eat? 559 00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:29,956 I'm a wuss.