1 00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:02,470 Check it out. 2 00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:04,505 They got cars that run on vegetable oil now. 3 00:00:04,572 --> 00:00:05,306 How about that. 4 00:00:05,373 --> 00:00:06,707 You know what would be cool? 5 00:00:06,774 --> 00:00:09,343 A Hummer that runs on French fry grease. 6 00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:10,244 Uh-huh. 7 00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:11,845 We could be energy independent 8 00:00:11,912 --> 00:00:13,147 and still smash through crap. 9 00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:14,982 Sounds great. 10 00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:18,119 Plus, the new car smell is French fries. 11 00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:20,588 Okay, I'm only gonna say this one more time. 12 00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:22,490 You don't get your license for two more years 13 00:00:22,556 --> 00:00:24,024 and you're not getting a Hummer. 14 00:00:24,092 --> 00:00:25,826 You know, you say you want me to open up to you, 15 00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:27,361 but what's the point? 16 00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:33,301 (chuckling) 17 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,903 Yeah, I always loved Paris in the springtime. 18 00:00:35,969 --> 00:00:37,271 Oh, you're lucky. 19 00:00:37,338 --> 00:00:40,208 I only got to do her once, on Halloween. 20 00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:42,710 Hi. 21 00:00:42,776 --> 00:00:44,212 Oh, hey, Alan. 22 00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:45,379 Andy, this is my brother Alan. 23 00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:46,914 Alan, Andy. Hello. 24 00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:47,981 Hey, Andy. 25 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,250 Pull up a chair. 26 00:00:49,317 --> 00:00:50,484 We're just telling war stories. 27 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:51,485 Oh, great. 28 00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:52,553 The sponge? 29 00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:54,322 Yeah. 30 00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:57,491 So, uh, how do you guys know each other? 31 00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,027 Well, Andy and I-- 32 00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:01,362 Can I have a cigar? 33 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,765 Sure, help yourself. 34 00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:07,368 Thank you. 35 00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:09,270 Anyway, Andy and I have known each other-- 36 00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:12,506 Maybe I'll take one for now and one for later. 37 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:19,513 Anyway, before he moved to New York, 38 00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:21,415 Andy and I were partners in crime. 39 00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:23,351 There weren't that many actual crimes. 40 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,586 Unless you count the ones against nature. 41 00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:29,257 Alan, this is a great man. 42 00:01:29,323 --> 00:01:30,324 ANDY: No, no, 43 00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:32,460 Albert Einstein was a great man. 44 00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,262 I just drink, gamble and hump. 45 00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:35,629 But I'm great at it. 46 00:01:37,064 --> 00:01:38,632 Andy once managed to hitchhike 47 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,801 from Vegas to L.A., wearing no pants. 48 00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:44,705 Hey, anybody can use their thumb. 49 00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:47,341 This right here, 50 00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:49,410 this is the brother I never had. 51 00:01:49,477 --> 00:01:52,480 Oh, well, how nice for you. 52 00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:55,015 I don't mean it that way. 53 00:01:55,082 --> 00:01:56,550 You're my brother. 54 00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:57,351 Well, thank you. 55 00:01:57,418 --> 00:01:59,987 I just like him better. 56 00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:01,389 Got it. 57 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,457 *Andy is the one guy in the world 58 00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:05,759 that can match me drink for drink and broad for broad. 59 00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:08,496 In fact, the one time I thought I drank him under the table, 60 00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:10,464 it turned out he had a broad under there. 61 00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:12,533 Right, Andy? 62 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:16,604 CHARLIE: Andy? 63 00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:19,773 Don't screw with me, dude. 64 00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:27,581 Who's your favorite brother now? 65 00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:34,255 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 66 00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:36,757 * Men. * Oh, oh-oh. * 67 00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:39,993 * Men. * 68 00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:41,995 So, he died right out there 69 00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:43,464 in the chair, huh? 70 00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:45,399 Yep. (clicks tongue) 71 00:02:45,466 --> 00:02:47,601 Remind me to flip that cushion. 72 00:02:49,069 --> 00:02:50,538 You should've seen it, Berta. 73 00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:52,540 The paramedics zipped him up in a big plastic bag. 74 00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:53,607 Is that so? 75 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,142 It looked like one of those things 76 00:02:55,209 --> 00:02:56,810 the delivery guys use to keep pizza hot. 77 00:02:58,145 --> 00:03:00,013 I wonder if they got him to the morgue 78 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,782 in 30 minutes or less. 79 00:03:03,751 --> 00:03:05,286 Not funny, Jake. 80 00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:08,121 Maybe it is funny and you just didn't get it. 81 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,857 Eat. 82 00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:12,826 So, uh, did you know him? 83 00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:14,895 Andy? Sure. 84 00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,196 Before he moved to New York, 85 00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:17,465 he and Charlie were just like brothers. 86 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,933 Yeah, I heard that part. 87 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:20,968 How's Charlie taking it? 88 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,303 He's pretty shook up. 89 00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:25,105 Well, you can understand why. 90 00:03:25,172 --> 00:03:27,107 Somebody your age, living the same 91 00:03:27,174 --> 00:03:28,976 dumbass lifestyle you live 92 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,812 keels over and dies. 93 00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:32,980 It's gotta give you pause. 94 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,316 You're right about that. 95 00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:36,417 Actually, I'm surprised 96 00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:38,151 that Charlie didn't go first. 97 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,420 Excuse me. 98 00:03:41,088 --> 00:03:42,456 I'm standing right here. 99 00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:45,326 But for how long? 100 00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:48,796 Did you get that one? 101 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:52,466 I'll see you later. Where you going? 102 00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:54,268 Where do you think? My best friend just died. 103 00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:56,337 I got a lot of things to take care of. 104 00:03:56,404 --> 00:03:58,005 You're handling the funeral? 105 00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,106 I'm sure Andy would like that. 106 00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:00,107 The hell with Andy. 107 00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:01,642 I'm going to the hospital 108 00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,611 to get every damn medical test known to man. 109 00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:05,546 Good one. 110 00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:09,450 You're not getting any of these, are you? 111 00:04:11,118 --> 00:04:13,387 * Men. * 112 00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:15,989 Hey. 113 00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:17,791 Hey, how'd the tests go? 114 00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:20,027 I won't know for a couple of days. 115 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:22,430 All right, I'm outta here. 116 00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:24,465 How about you, Charlie? 117 00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:31,905 Wait, I got something for you. 118 00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:35,208 It's a gift certificate for a week at a spa in Palm Springs. 119 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,877 Well, I'll be. 120 00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:38,245 Thank you, Charlie. 121 00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:41,148 I just wanted you to know that I love you 122 00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:44,084 and appreciate that you've always been there for me. 123 00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,653 Great, see you in a week. 124 00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:50,924 Look at you. 125 00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:52,960 The minute you start thinking about your mortality, 126 00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:55,529 you realize how much you care about the people around you. 127 00:04:55,596 --> 00:04:58,198 Yeah, and I need to start showing it. 128 00:04:58,265 --> 00:05:01,369 Well, little gifts are always 129 00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,604 a nice way to express your feelings. 130 00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:04,705 I know. 131 00:05:04,772 --> 00:05:08,442 Could be as simple as a cashmere robe 132 00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:13,213 or as extravagant as a new car. 133 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:15,549 Yeah, I suppose it could. 134 00:05:15,616 --> 00:05:19,086 Excuse me, I got something really cool for Jake. 135 00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:22,990 Doesn't even have to be new! 136 00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:27,294 "Certified pre-owned" is still very thoughtful! 137 00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:28,662 (knocking on door) 138 00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:31,999 Hey, what are you doing? 139 00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:34,334 I was trying to research cars, but you wouldn't believe 140 00:05:34,402 --> 00:05:35,803 what comes up when you Google "Hummer." 141 00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:41,409 Actually, I would. 142 00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:45,345 Here, I got you something 143 00:05:45,413 --> 00:05:46,847 I think you're really gonna like. 144 00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:48,315 Is it a sandwich? 145 00:05:48,382 --> 00:05:50,484 Why would I gift wrap a sandwich? 146 00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:52,319 'Cause you want me to be surprised? 147 00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:53,654 Just open it. 148 00:05:53,721 --> 00:05:56,457 You know what's a great sandwich? 149 00:05:56,524 --> 00:05:58,125 The Monte Cristo. 150 00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:01,895 'Cause it has ham and cheese and it's fried. 151 00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:03,296 Open the damn box. 152 00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:06,600 Whoa, don't get your period. 153 00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:10,003 Oh, wow, a mini video camera. 154 00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:11,439 Pretty cool, huh? 155 00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:13,373 Is this 'cause you think you're dying? 156 00:06:13,441 --> 00:06:14,875 No, no. 157 00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:17,177 I just wanted to do something nice for you. 158 00:06:17,244 --> 00:06:18,311 Before you die. 159 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,313 Do you want the camera or not? 160 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,415 Yeah, I want it. 161 00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:23,016 Then just say thank you. 162 00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:24,117 Thank you. Geez. 163 00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:25,385 You need to relax. 164 00:06:25,453 --> 00:06:26,620 You'll give yourself a heart attack. 165 00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:29,923 I'll work on it. 166 00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:31,058 Have a sandwich. 167 00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:33,594 That always relaxes me. 168 00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:36,296 All right, 169 00:06:36,363 --> 00:06:38,031 one more gift to give. 170 00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:39,600 Oh, yeah? 171 00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:41,635 Saving the best for last? 172 00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,305 I don't know about the best, 173 00:06:45,372 --> 00:06:46,807 but it's sure the hardest. 174 00:06:46,874 --> 00:06:49,342 Any way I can make it easier? 175 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:50,778 Yeah. 176 00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:54,615 Call Mom and tell her I'm on my way over. 177 00:06:58,385 --> 00:06:59,453 * Men. * 178 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:04,458 Oh, Charlie, what a beautiful watch! 179 00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:06,093 Do you really like it? 180 00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:07,495 Are you kidding? 181 00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:08,696 It's gorgeous! 182 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:10,130 And the best part is 183 00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:12,966 now I don't have to wear my good one every day. 184 00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:17,505 Anyway, you're probably wondering 185 00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:18,806 why I bought it for you. 186 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:21,475 Well, I just assumed you love me 187 00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:24,011 and did it out of the goodness of your heart. 188 00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:27,615 I'm kidding. Why, dear? 189 00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:30,417 Okay, I deserve that. 190 00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:32,452 But the truth is I do love you 191 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,187 and despite our many differences, 192 00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:35,489 I'm glad you're my mother. 193 00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:38,892 You didn't drive over here drunk, did you? 194 00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:42,863 I'm not drunk. 195 00:07:42,930 --> 00:07:44,264 I just... 196 00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:48,001 I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is, 197 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:50,938 and that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here. 198 00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:54,908 Did you find another lump on your pee-pee? 199 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,879 No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine. 200 00:07:58,946 --> 00:08:02,115 I don't know how "worn down to a nub" can be fine, 201 00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:03,784 but all right. 202 00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:07,120 My point is, 203 00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:09,022 I don't want to be angry with you anymore. 204 00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:10,490 I want us to be friends. 205 00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:14,127 I was always your friend, Charlie. 206 00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:17,097 You were just too self-involved to see it. 207 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,502 Okay, I got to go. 208 00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:24,071 Where you off to? 209 00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:27,608 I have to pick out a casket for a friend of mine. 210 00:08:27,675 --> 00:08:29,476 Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry. 211 00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:31,679 Yeah, well, what are you gonna do. 212 00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:33,614 Don't cheap out. 213 00:08:33,681 --> 00:08:35,749 It's one thing to do it with a watch, 214 00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:37,751 but a casket is forever. 215 00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:43,490 * Men. * 216 00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:46,393 CHARLIE: So young. 217 00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,128 I can't believe it. 218 00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:49,663 Yeah... 219 00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,531 Who'd have thought smoking, drinking and whoring 220 00:08:51,599 --> 00:08:53,366 could kill you? 221 00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:57,370 You realize that could just as easily be me in there. 222 00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:59,673 Yeah. 223 00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:02,843 Don't even think that. 224 00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:04,978 It is a nice casket, though. 225 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,580 Should be. 226 00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:08,315 It cost me ten grand. 227 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,050 Ten grand? Wow. 228 00:09:10,117 --> 00:09:12,853 What can I say? I take care of the people I love. 229 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:16,089 Could've taken care of me with a freakin' robe. 230 00:09:18,659 --> 00:09:20,728 Kind of a light turnout. 231 00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:23,230 You'd probably get more people with an open bar. 232 00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:25,432 Hey, make sure there's an open bar at mine. 233 00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:26,600 Oh, now I'm your funeral planner? 234 00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,168 Don't you want a friend 235 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,638 or someone you really care about in charge of that? 236 00:09:31,538 --> 00:09:32,973 No, you do it. 237 00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:36,810 MINISTER: Good afternoon and welcome. 238 00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:39,079 (somberly): We are here 239 00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:41,148 to celebrate the life 240 00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:43,250 and mourn the passing 241 00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:46,053 of Andrew Donald Patterson. 242 00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:49,556 How do we measure a man's life? 243 00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:51,892 Geez, this guy's a load. 244 00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:57,430 Don't get a guy like this for me. 245 00:09:57,497 --> 00:10:00,668 I want someone with a little bit ofgravitas. 246 00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:03,370 I'll see if James Earl Jones is available. 247 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,673 That would be nice. 248 00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:08,408 "...a time to die, 249 00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:10,577 "a time to reap, 250 00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,212 "a time to sow, 251 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,281 "a time to mourn... 252 00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:16,650 JAMES EARL JONES: "...a time to heal. 253 00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:18,518 a time for every purpose under heaven." 254 00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:22,656 And so we say goodbye to Charles Francis Harper. 255 00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,091 Devoted son, 256 00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:26,760 loving brother, caring uncle. 257 00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:29,562 Bon vivant and world-class 258 00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,965 connoisseur of the booty. 259 00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:35,936 Nice turnout. 260 00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:38,806 Yeah, man. Standing room only. 261 00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:41,975 Goes to show you, give the people what they want. 262 00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:44,511 You mean the open bar, right? 263 00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:46,947 Sure. 264 00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:51,018 Thanks for coming, by the way. 265 00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:52,585 Well, you came to mine. 266 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,554 Yeah, but you're dead. 267 00:10:54,621 --> 00:10:57,124 Charlie, take a look in the box. 268 00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:59,359 That's not a tanning booth. 269 00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:01,528 Oh, yeah. 270 00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:05,766 So, listen, as long as you're here-- what's Heaven like? 271 00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:07,134 It's unbelievable. 272 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,535 It's paradise. 273 00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:09,870 Like your house. 274 00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:11,271 Before your brother moved in. 275 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:12,840 Oh, that was good. 276 00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:15,242 You can drink all you want and there's no hangover. 277 00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:16,777 Endless supply of women, 278 00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,345 each one more beautiful than the last, 279 00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:19,713 and, Charlie, get this: 280 00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:21,749 they believe everything you tell 'em. 281 00:11:21,815 --> 00:11:23,550 Everything?! 282 00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:25,185 It's Heaven, dude. 283 00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:27,955 Wow. 284 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,589 Well, save me a good seat. 285 00:11:29,656 --> 00:11:33,126 I wish I could, but that's not where they sent me. 286 00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:34,227 Oh... 287 00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,831 Then how do you know what Heaven's like? 288 00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:40,500 They make us look at a video every day, 289 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:43,236 while they're putting lube on the pitchfork. 290 00:11:45,939 --> 00:11:47,841 Well, at least you get lube. 291 00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:50,177 Only on the little prong. 292 00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:53,613 JAMES EARL JONES: To be completely honest, 293 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:55,949 I didn't know Charlie Harper, 294 00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:59,219 but any man who, with his dying breath, 295 00:11:59,286 --> 00:12:03,824 would set aside $25,000 and a first-class air ticket, 296 00:12:03,891 --> 00:12:05,859 so I could deliver his eulogy... 297 00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:08,728 is aces in my book! 298 00:12:09,529 --> 00:12:10,998 That being said, uh... 299 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,366 there are many people here today who did know Charlie, 300 00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:15,635 and perhaps some of them would like to stand up 301 00:12:15,702 --> 00:12:16,937 and say a few words. 302 00:12:17,004 --> 00:12:19,072 Ooh! Ooh! I want to say something. 303 00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:22,375 Uh... Hello, everybody. 304 00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:25,278 Hello, James Earl Jones. 305 00:12:27,881 --> 00:12:30,183 Um... hey, bro. Don't get up. 306 00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:34,154 What can I say about Charlie? 307 00:12:34,221 --> 00:12:36,990 Uh, so many words come to mind-- 308 00:12:37,057 --> 00:12:39,092 so few that you can say in church. 309 00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:42,295 But we'll give it a shot. 310 00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:46,333 Um... Charlie was a man of love. 311 00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:49,970 Um, he loved his friends; he loved his family; 312 00:12:50,037 --> 00:12:53,140 but, most of all, he loved his penis... 313 00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:58,211 ...the only part of him that ever had an actual job. 314 00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:02,015 Well, anyway... 315 00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:05,218 this was a man so full of love 316 00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,387 that it practically oozed out of him, 317 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,957 at which point, of course, he would see a doctor. 318 00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:18,198 But I kid the deceased whoremonger. 319 00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:19,766 (chuckling) 320 00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:20,901 Anyway... 321 00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:22,970 since he never made out a will, 322 00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:25,372 I hope you will all join me 323 00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:29,910 for a wake-slash-luau at my Malibu beach house! 324 00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,479 (applause) 325 00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:36,049 He got my house?! 326 00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:37,417 He got everything you had. 327 00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:38,351 Everything?! 328 00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:40,587 Well, not the diseased liver 329 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,289 and the swollen prostate. 330 00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:46,026 Oh, look, your old girlfriends 331 00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:47,594 are saying their final goodbye. 332 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,429 (spits) 333 00:13:52,299 --> 00:13:53,300 (spits) 334 00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:56,169 That's not very respectful. 335 00:13:56,236 --> 00:14:01,074 Just FYI-- spit is the Devil's lube. 336 00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:06,846 Listen, would you mind recording my answering machine message for me? 337 00:14:06,914 --> 00:14:09,049 That'll be an extra $500. 338 00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:11,118 That's okay. I'm rich now. 339 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,620 Well, what do you want: "This is CNN" 340 00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:15,522 or "Luke, I am your father"? 341 00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:18,758 So, Charlie, it's been great catching up but I gotta go. 342 00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:21,728 Already? Can't you stay awhile? 343 00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:24,231 No. It's pitchfork time. 344 00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:26,433 If you're late, you don't get the spit. 345 00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:31,004 And, believe me, Charlie, you want the spit. 346 00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:33,473 I want the spit! 347 00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:44,484 * Men. * 348 00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:49,022 Harper. Charlie Harper. 349 00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:51,891 It was in a few days ago. 350 00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:54,194 I peed in a cup; you took my blood 351 00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:56,896 and slipped a camera up the heart of darkness. 352 00:14:58,131 --> 00:14:59,899 You know, the doctor said my results 353 00:14:59,967 --> 00:15:01,868 would be ready today. 354 00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:04,404 Fine. Have him get back to me. 355 00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:07,707 He's avoiding my calls, Alan. 356 00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:09,476 I'm gonna die. 357 00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:10,910 No. No you're not. 358 00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:13,046 I can feel it. 359 00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:14,881 You might as well just drive into that tree 360 00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:16,483 and kill us both. 361 00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:18,051 Sure. 362 00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:21,388 (monotone): I don't want to go on living without you. 363 00:15:22,322 --> 00:15:24,191 What's the point of it all? 364 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:28,728 Yeah, I'm rich, charming, classically handsome. 365 00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:31,198 I've laid more pipe than a guy 366 00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,533 who has sex with pipes. 367 00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:37,971 But what have I done with my life? 368 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:41,174 A few stupid jingles; some kids' songs-- 369 00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:42,976 nothing that really matters. 370 00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:47,147 (monotone): Now, now, you're being too hard on yourself. 371 00:15:47,214 --> 00:15:50,350 I've got no wife, I've got no children... 372 00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,685 I'm going leave this world the way I came in... 373 00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:55,588 By Cesarean section? 374 00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:57,324 Alone. 375 00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:59,359 Oh, for God sakes, Charlie, 376 00:15:59,426 --> 00:16:02,295 I am tired of listening to this. 377 00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:04,731 There has always been one person in your life 378 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:07,634 who's been there for you and loved you unconditionally. 379 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:11,404 You mean...? 380 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,876 You're right. 381 00:16:16,943 --> 00:16:18,445 How could I have missed it? 382 00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,980 It's been in front of me the whole time! 383 00:16:21,048 --> 00:16:22,082 Well, you know, sometimes you can't see 384 00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:23,416 the forest for the trees, 385 00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,685 even when the forest is in your own backyard. 386 00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:27,587 Or guest room. 387 00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:31,158 Rose? 388 00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,961 Yep, the one and only. 389 00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:37,330 I know, I know. It's been awhile. 390 00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:40,467 I was thinking, if you're not too busy, 391 00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:43,303 maybe we can get together, have a drink or something? 392 00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:45,438 Well, great! 393 00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:48,475 So, do you want to meet, or should I pick you up? 394 00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:50,343 (horn beeping) 395 00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:55,382 (mouthing) 396 00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:58,551 Okay, I'll meet you back at my place. 397 00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:04,157 Huh. Small world. 398 00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:07,394 Yeah. Teeny-tiny. 399 00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:11,598 * Men. * 400 00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:13,733 Here you go. 401 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,668 Thank you, Charlie. 402 00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:16,669 You comfy? 403 00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:17,870 Oh, very. 404 00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:19,206 Good. 405 00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:22,775 (sighs) 406 00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:24,744 So, Rose... 407 00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:26,946 Charlie... 408 00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:28,715 Haven't seen you in awhile. 409 00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:31,551 Can't say the same. 410 00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,255 Right, uh, sure. 411 00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:36,723 Sorry about your friend. 412 00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:40,860 Yeah, yeah, it was a real wake-up call for me. 413 00:17:40,927 --> 00:17:42,562 Mm. I can imagine. 414 00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:47,367 Makes you stop and wonder what's important in your life. 415 00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:49,636 Who's important in your life. 416 00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:52,639 I've always known who's important in my life. 417 00:17:52,705 --> 00:17:54,341 You have, haven't you. 418 00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:59,146 You know how I feel about you, right? 419 00:18:00,046 --> 00:18:01,448 Tell me anyway. 420 00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:05,185 Oh, okay. 421 00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:08,488 Well, as you know, we've had our ups and downs. 422 00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:11,491 I told you that was my medication. 423 00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:14,627 I was talking about our relationship. 424 00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:16,463 Oh. Yes. 425 00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:17,764 That's had ups and downs, too. 426 00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:19,499 Continue. 427 00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:23,503 Well, uh, I'm thinking, we're not getting any younger. 428 00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:25,238 You know, there was a time 429 00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:26,739 when I did think I was getting younger 430 00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:29,642 but it turns out that that was my medication. 431 00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:30,843 Sure. 432 00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:34,113 I also thought that I was getting smaller. 433 00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:38,251 (clears throat) 434 00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:42,789 Anyway, uh, it struck me that life is... short, 435 00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:45,892 and maybe the time has come for you and I to start 436 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,260 thinking about our future. 437 00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,362 What about it? 438 00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:52,432 (sighs heavily) Well... 439 00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:56,269 I know this is kind of sudden, but... 440 00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:04,944 Rose... 441 00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:06,513 Yes, Charlie? 442 00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:10,783 (phone rings) Would you do me the honor of... 443 00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:14,086 I'm sorry. 444 00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:15,855 Let me just get rid of this. 445 00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:18,258 Oh, it's my doctor. 446 00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:21,694 Hey, Doc. 447 00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:22,762 What's the word? 448 00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:25,532 No liver damage whatsoever? 449 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,437 What about my heart? 450 00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:34,040 Well, that's terrific! 451 00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:36,743 Lungs are good, too? 452 00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:39,712 So I don't have to give up cigars? 453 00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:41,914 No, no, no, I won't overdo it. 454 00:19:41,981 --> 00:19:43,383 Just when I drink. 455 00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:48,655 Speaking of which-- how's the plumbing? 456 00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,757 Does that include the prostate? 457 00:19:50,823 --> 00:19:52,892 (quietly): Yes. 458 00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:56,263 All right, well, uh, 459 00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:57,864 thanks for getting back to me so soon. 460 00:19:57,930 --> 00:20:01,301 And, again, I'm sorry for all the name calling 461 00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,870 when you slipped your finger up there. 462 00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:15,782 Oh, boy, this is awkward. 463 00:20:18,685 --> 00:20:19,986 * Men. * 464 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,723 * Men. * 465 00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:27,760 Look at him-- he's gonna live forever. 466 00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:31,798 Nah, it's just gonna seem like forever. 467 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:36,869 He smokes, he drinks, he parties like there's no tomorrow. 468 00:20:36,936 --> 00:20:38,671 Me? 469 00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,840 I have Mexican food and a couple of beers 470 00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:42,842 and I'm farting blood. 471 00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:46,913 Yeah, boo-hoo. 472 00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:50,750 You just said Mexican food and I grew a third butt cheek. 473 00:20:51,818 --> 00:20:53,520 Life isn't fair, is it, Berta? 474 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,655 If it were, you'd be cleaning my toilets 475 00:20:55,722 --> 00:20:57,557 and I'd have my own talk show. 476 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,026 A talk show?! 477 00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:02,395 Why not? I'm personable. 478 00:21:03,630 --> 00:21:06,165 Well, at least he has a clean bill of health. 479 00:21:06,232 --> 00:21:07,534 I'm happy for that. 480 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:08,768 Me, too. 481 00:21:08,835 --> 00:21:11,037 I don't care if I never inherit this house. 482 00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:13,840 Uh, uh... excuse me? 483 00:21:13,906 --> 00:21:16,108 Oh, you ain't seen his new will, huh? 484 00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:17,243 Uh, what new will? 485 00:21:17,310 --> 00:21:18,678 Never mind. 486 00:21:20,246 --> 00:21:21,981 But in case tragedy strikes, 487 00:21:22,048 --> 00:21:25,518 be prepared to clear your crap out of here in 48 hours. 488 00:21:28,254 --> 00:21:35,562 Son of a bitch.