1 00:00:00,634 --> 00:00:02,770 * Men. * 2 00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:06,207 EVELYN: Jake. 3 00:00:06,274 --> 00:00:08,242 You're hardly touching your salad. 4 00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:09,610 I promised Berta I'd cut down on the roughage. 5 00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:17,985 Well, all right. 6 00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:19,553 Why don't I get the soup. 7 00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:24,492 Based on the salad, I'm not so optimistic. 8 00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:28,096 So you have absolutely no idea why she invited us here? 9 00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:29,363 All she said on the phone was "dinner." 10 00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:31,199 And you believed her? 11 00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:33,334 Good God, man, 12 00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:34,802 do you realize what you've done? 13 00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,604 Just relax. 14 00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:37,705 "Just relax"? 15 00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:38,972 We'll be lucky to leave here 16 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:41,509 with all of our limbs and gonads. 17 00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:43,477 What's a gonad? 18 00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:44,745 You are. 19 00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:48,982 So it's bad. 20 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:50,251 You're not a gonad. 21 00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:52,586 Says the other gonad. 22 00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:56,890 Here we go. 23 00:00:56,957 --> 00:00:58,092 Potato leek soup. 24 00:00:58,159 --> 00:01:00,261 Oh, delightful. 25 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,431 You got any crackers? 26 00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:04,898 "Crackers"? 27 00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:07,201 Yeah, I like having something crunchy in my soup. 28 00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:09,737 Little goldfish, crouton, a stale bagel... 29 00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:11,605 I'll check. 30 00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:12,606 Go ahead and start. 31 00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:15,409 Captain Crunch will work in a pinch. 32 00:01:15,476 --> 00:01:18,279 I've got a bad feeling about this, Alan. 33 00:01:18,346 --> 00:01:20,581 What? We're having a nice dinner with our mother. 34 00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:21,815 So you feel it, too? 35 00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:26,854 What kind of person doesn't serve crackers with soup? 36 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:30,791 The only thing I have that's crunchy is macadamia nuts. 37 00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:35,429 Interesting. Let's give 'er a try. 38 00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:39,200 Well, I suppose you boys are wondering 39 00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:40,734 why I asked you here. 40 00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:44,104 You mean this isn't just a nice, warm family dinner? 41 00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:46,207 Knock it off, Charlie. 42 00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:49,076 I have some good news. 43 00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:50,878 And no, I'm not dying. 44 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,913 I didn't say anything. 45 00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:54,615 Why would you even go there? 46 00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:57,551 Okay, I'm sorry. 47 00:01:57,618 --> 00:02:02,190 Anyway, I have been doing some financial planning. 48 00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:03,791 So you're thinking about dying? 49 00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:07,928 Trust me, darling, I promise to stick around long enough 50 00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:12,533 to identify your bloated, gin-soaked, syphilitic remains. 51 00:02:16,504 --> 00:02:18,239 Okay, so we've got a time frame. 52 00:02:20,274 --> 00:02:22,943 So what about your financial plan? 53 00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:25,145 Yes, well, one thing I've done 54 00:02:25,213 --> 00:02:27,948 is to set aside enough money to ensure 55 00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:31,151 that my grandson will get a college education. 56 00:02:38,326 --> 00:02:41,028 You're gonna buy a college? 57 00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:43,464 I have set up a trust fund. 58 00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:45,399 Oh, Mom, Mom, that is, uh, 59 00:02:45,466 --> 00:02:47,201 that is very generous, but, uh, I actually 60 00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:49,169 started a college fund for Jake when he was born. 61 00:02:49,237 --> 00:02:50,738 Really? 62 00:02:52,206 --> 00:02:53,974 How much you have in there now? 63 00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:56,176 Uh... 64 00:02:57,811 --> 00:03:00,314 Did you hear? Grandma's sending you to college. 65 00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:04,718 Now? I haven't finished my soup. 66 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,222 Mom, have you thought this through? 67 00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:09,423 Look at him. 68 00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:14,895 Maybe there should be one child left behind. 69 00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:19,099 Charlie, Charlie, shush. 70 00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:20,934 Mom, I-I cannot tell you 71 00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:22,102 how much I appreciate this. 72 00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:24,171 Jake, do you understand 73 00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:25,939 what your grandma is providing here? 74 00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:27,074 Yeah, more school. 75 00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:28,542 Big whoop. 76 00:03:28,609 --> 00:03:31,279 Well, Jake, perhaps this will help enthuse you. 77 00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:33,814 If you buckle down and your grades improve, 78 00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:35,883 when the time comes for you to go to college, 79 00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:38,352 Grandmommy is going to buy you a new car. 80 00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:40,554 I love you, Grandmommy! 81 00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:45,125 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 82 00:03:45,192 --> 00:03:48,696 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 83 00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:51,599 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 84 00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:53,701 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 85 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,103 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 86 00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:59,440 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 87 00:03:59,507 --> 00:04:04,478 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 88 00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:10,584 * Men. * 89 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,687 By the way, when I get my car from Grandma, 90 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,990 one of you guys is gonna have to park on the street. 91 00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:19,927 The car is for college. 92 00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:22,262 And what makes you think you'll still be living here? 93 00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:24,565 Oh, come on, you know you love me. 94 00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:27,501 He's got you there. You do love him. 95 00:04:27,568 --> 00:04:29,970 Yeah, but he doesn't have to rub my nose in it. 96 00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:35,309 So what do you think Mom's angle is? 97 00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:37,478 Does she have to have an angle? 98 00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:38,712 A college trust fund? 99 00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:39,913 For him? 100 00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:43,050 Last week he bit his hand eating a sandwich. 101 00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:46,454 He smelled the ham. He got excited. 102 00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:50,023 Maybe she's just trying to buy his love. 103 00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:52,159 Alan, think it through. 104 00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:53,794 She could've done that with a pork chop 105 00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:55,429 and a Creamsicle. 106 00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:58,332 Well, whatever it is, it is a big load off my mind 107 00:04:58,399 --> 00:04:59,800 knowing his education's taken care of. 108 00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:02,235 Oh, yeah, that's what Mom wants, 109 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,304 to take a load off your mind. 110 00:05:04,372 --> 00:05:06,374 Okay, why do you think she did it? 111 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:07,841 I don't know. 112 00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:09,710 But if you want to get inside her head, 113 00:05:09,777 --> 00:05:11,278 you've got to start thinking more twisted, 114 00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:14,281 manipulative, devious. 115 00:05:14,348 --> 00:05:15,816 For example, 116 00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:18,586 if by some miracle he gets through college 117 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:19,920 and she sends him to law school... 118 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:22,690 L-law school? You've already lost me. 119 00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:24,592 Maybe she's boinking the dean of admissions. 120 00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,059 We don't know. Just hear me out. 121 00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,861 Go on. 122 00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,930 Let's say he crawls through law school, 123 00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,199 takes seven or eight shots at passing the bar. 124 00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:33,501 We know how that ends. 125 00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:37,204 So what are his options as a failed lawyer? 126 00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:39,339 I don't know. Government work? 127 00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:40,708 Exactly. 128 00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:42,543 Maybe he lands on the zoning commission. 129 00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:44,778 And bingo-bango, Mom finally gets 130 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,647 to put a second story on her house. 131 00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:53,521 You really think she's going to send him to college 132 00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:57,157 and law school just so she can add an extra bedroom? 133 00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:58,392 That's insane. 134 00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:00,561 Is it, Alan? 135 00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:04,565 Is it really? 136 00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:09,470 * Men. * 137 00:06:13,474 --> 00:06:15,208 Morning. 138 00:06:15,275 --> 00:06:17,911 Morning. 139 00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:20,414 Alan? 140 00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:22,416 Yeah? 141 00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:24,618 You having a stroke? 142 00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:27,821 No, no, I'm just, 143 00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,557 I'm just trying to figure out 144 00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:31,191 why I need to go to work today. 145 00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:32,526 I mean, 146 00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:34,895 Mom's taking care of Jake's education, 147 00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:36,497 buying him a car. 148 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:37,631 Why should I bust my hump? 149 00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:40,534 For your self-respect? 150 00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,470 Nah, Judith got that in the divorce. 151 00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:46,540 'Cause you like to heal people's back pain 152 00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:48,241 with your chiropractic magic? 153 00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:50,177 (chortles) 154 00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:54,114 Okay, well, you've got to go somewhere. 155 00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:55,916 Why? 156 00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:58,185 'Cause you're creeping me out. 157 00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:04,725 I should take up motivational speaking. 158 00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:07,728 Morning. 159 00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:09,697 Something's wrong with your brother. 160 00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,264 We don't say the word "wrong." 161 00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:12,500 We say "special." 162 00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:16,604 No, it's true. My friends don't think you're my grandma. 163 00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:18,506 They think you're my young aunt. 164 00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:24,678 If he gets his nose any further up her keister, 165 00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:26,880 we're gonna have to tie a rope to his feet. 166 00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:30,851 Hey, I was thinking. 167 00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:33,453 You know what would be a nice, safe vehicle for me? 168 00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:35,656 A used police car. 169 00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:40,594 I don't know. I guess from the police? 170 00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:42,896 She's buying Lunkhead a car? 171 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,799 And a college education. Ha. 172 00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:47,234 Well, I guess that makes sense 173 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,837 if it's a clown college and the car seats 20. 174 00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:55,342 All right, then I'll see you in an hour. 175 00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:56,710 Hold on. 176 00:07:56,777 --> 00:07:57,978 Nah, I don't need one. 177 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,682 Okay, okay, bye. 178 00:08:01,749 --> 00:08:03,551 I'm gonna spend the afternoon with Grandma. 179 00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:05,786 If she asks, I took a shower. 180 00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:07,821 Figured out her angle yet? 181 00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:11,792 No. And that's what scares me. 182 00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:14,762 (ominous): * Bom-bom-bom. 183 00:08:15,763 --> 00:08:17,898 Seemed appropriate. 184 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,268 * Men. * 185 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,370 All right, Mr. Sharipa. 186 00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:24,538 How's it feel right here? 187 00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:26,006 A little tender. 188 00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:29,342 Yeah, yeah, you've got a spasm right here. 189 00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:30,678 It's my own fault. 190 00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,479 I was trying to do it in the shower 191 00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:34,481 with Mrs. Sharipa last night. 192 00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:38,151 The woman is no ballerina. 193 00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:42,690 Well, sex in the shower is really a young man's game. 194 00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:45,525 Or a middle-aged man with a skinny wife. 195 00:08:45,593 --> 00:08:47,527 Sure. 196 00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:48,996 What can I say? 197 00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:52,265 I like a little junk in the trunk. 198 00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:54,635 I, I think that says it. 199 00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:56,570 Slap her on the ass at Christmas, 200 00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:59,272 it doesn't stop shaking till New Year's Eve. 201 00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:03,977 Just between you and me, 202 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:08,649 she enjoys a little spanking from Santa. 203 00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:10,517 Who doesn't? 204 00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:13,053 I check the list twice: 205 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:14,722 always naughty. 206 00:09:18,626 --> 00:09:20,027 Uh-huh. Could you, uh, 207 00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:21,528 turn on your right, Mr. Sharipa. 208 00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:22,830 I'll, uh, try to relieve 209 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,732 the pressure on your sciatic nerve. 210 00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:26,133 Would you cross your arms, please? 211 00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:27,300 Uh-huh. Thank you. 212 00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:28,636 Okay. 213 00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:30,103 (passing gas) 214 00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:36,109 Excuse me. 215 00:09:37,845 --> 00:09:39,747 Oh, no, that, uh, that happens. 216 00:09:39,813 --> 00:09:41,949 It's, uh, it's perfectly natural... 217 00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:46,586 Oh, dear Lord. 218 00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:50,557 Yeah, that's the garlic clams I had for lunch. 219 00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:53,727 I like them. They don't like me. 220 00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:58,899 Um, if you'll just excuse me for a moment. 221 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:02,069 Hey, you know, I feel better. 222 00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:05,372 Maybe that's where the pressure came from. 223 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,676 Where are you going, Dr. Harper? 224 00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:10,210 Home. 225 00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:11,645 Will you be coming back? 226 00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:14,181 Dr. Harper? 227 00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,553 Oh, my God. 228 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,756 * Men. * 229 00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:27,560 Oh, check it out. 230 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:28,962 This SUV comes with a mini-fridge 231 00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:30,430 in the glove compartment. 232 00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:32,632 Fascinating. 233 00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:34,968 Let's spend a little time 234 00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:36,569 talking about our college plans. 235 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,105 "Our plans"? 236 00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:41,208 Are you going, too? 'Cause that changes everything. 237 00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:42,943 I've already been to college, darling. 238 00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:45,913 And they were some of the happiest years of my life. 239 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,647 Really? Mm-hmm. 240 00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:50,150 What kind of car did you have? 241 00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:53,020 Look, Jake, I understand that you're excited 242 00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:55,789 about getting a car, but keep in mind 243 00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:59,226 the car is predicated on you getting into college. 244 00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:00,527 Right. 245 00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:03,230 What's "predicated" mean? 246 00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:06,033 No college, no car. 247 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:08,301 Oh. 248 00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:09,436 What if I flunk out? 249 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:10,838 Do I have to give the car back? 250 00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:12,105 Oh, sweetheart, 251 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,074 what makes you think you'd flunk out? 252 00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:15,175 Well, history. 253 00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:17,110 Right now there's a 60/60 chance 254 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,546 I'm gonna have to repeat eighth grade. 255 00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:21,581 60/60, huh? 256 00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:23,250 At least. 257 00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:25,085 It could be 70/40. 258 00:11:25,152 --> 00:11:28,355 Well, we can rule out the Ivy League. 259 00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:29,356 Is that good? 260 00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,424 For the Ivy League. 261 00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:33,226 You know, dear, 262 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:36,229 maybe we're going about this the wrong way. 263 00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:39,266 College should be about pursuing the things you love. 264 00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:40,768 What do you love? 265 00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:44,337 Um, TV, video games, sleeping. 266 00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:45,505 I love sleeping so much 267 00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:47,707 sometimes I actually dream about it. 268 00:11:47,775 --> 00:11:50,710 Okay, maybe I wasn't clear enough. 269 00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:52,445 Oh, you know what I really love? 270 00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:53,680 Twice-dipped French toast 271 00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:55,715 with a sprinkling of orange zest. 272 00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:57,050 Orange zest? 273 00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:58,786 Yeah, you scrape it from an orange peel. 274 00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:00,754 It's what really makes my recipe work. 275 00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,522 You have a recipe? 276 00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:03,490 Yep. 277 00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:04,657 It kinda happened by accident. 278 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,359 I was making once-dipped French toast, 279 00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:07,828 but I dropped it. 280 00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:09,729 A lot of great discoveries are accidents 281 00:12:09,797 --> 00:12:11,664 like Thomas Edison and the telephone. 282 00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,500 That wasn't Thomas... 283 00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:17,504 So you like to cook? 284 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:18,638 Yeah, I love it. 285 00:12:18,705 --> 00:12:19,873 'Cause, you know, I love to eat 286 00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:21,708 and I love to surprise my mouth. 287 00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:24,344 Well, you know, dear, 288 00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:27,881 what you are talking about is becoming a chef, 289 00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:29,883 and there are schools for that, 290 00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:32,352 and-and the potential to make a terrific living. 291 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,888 Do I get to wear one of those poofy hats? 292 00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:36,289 If you want to. 293 00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:38,859 Cool. Then I guess I'll be a chef. 294 00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:41,561 My grandson the chef. 295 00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:44,131 I can live with that. 296 00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:46,599 You know what I could drive if I was a chef? 297 00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:48,869 The Oscar Mayer Weinermobile. 298 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,973 * Men. * 299 00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:03,383 Hey. 300 00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:04,617 Hey. 301 00:13:04,684 --> 00:13:07,087 I got a kayak. 302 00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:09,389 I see. 303 00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,224 Guess what I'm gonna do? 304 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,193 Go kayaking? 305 00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:14,227 Yep. 306 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:17,230 I have decided that life is too short. 307 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:20,433 So you're going out in the Pacific Ocean in a plastic boat. 308 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,969 Good thinking. 309 00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:23,603 No, I was at work today 310 00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:26,840 and it suddenly became clear to me that... 311 00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:29,776 Sorry about that. 312 00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:31,011 It became clear to me 313 00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:32,445 that I don't like what I'm doing. 314 00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,281 And now that Mom is taking care of Jake, 315 00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:36,549 I can spend my time doing the things that give me joy. 316 00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:39,853 So you're gonna masturbate in a kayak? 317 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,722 No, but that's the point. 318 00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:45,625 You'll have to elaborate. 319 00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:47,861 I could if I wanted to. 320 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:57,871 Yeah, who could've seen that coming? 321 00:13:57,938 --> 00:13:59,106 Look, I'm sorry. 322 00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:04,912 * Men. * 323 00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:06,246 Here you go. 324 00:14:06,313 --> 00:14:08,916 Grilled cheese with gouda, Swiss and monster. 325 00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:10,918 You mean muenster. 326 00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:12,519 No, that's an old TV show. 327 00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:14,487 And they're called that 'cause they're monsters. 328 00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:15,923 This is a cheese. 329 00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:18,591 Anyway, the sandwich also has heirloom tomatoes 330 00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:21,128 and smoked applewood bacon on sourdough toast. 331 00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:22,896 Where did you learn this? 332 00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:25,232 Food Channel and FoodChannel.com. 333 00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:27,800 Food Channel on Demand, Food Channel magazine. 334 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,837 And the school lunch lady. 335 00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:33,306 Oh, and save room for homemade potato chips. 336 00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:36,409 You're making potato chips? 337 00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:37,277 Oh, yeah, it's easy. 338 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:38,778 You slice the potatoes real thin, 339 00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:40,313 rub the slices with lemon and garlic, 340 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,949 fry 'em up in a hot iron skillet 341 00:14:42,015 --> 00:14:43,816 and then salt to taste. 342 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,885 I can't get over this. 343 00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:47,921 Bon appetite. Mmm. 344 00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:48,989 Teet. 345 00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:50,890 No, that's a cow's boob. 346 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:55,095 Oh, my goodness. 347 00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:57,130 This is delicious. 348 00:14:57,197 --> 00:15:00,167 Don't eat more than three or you won't poop for a week. 349 00:15:01,868 --> 00:15:04,004 Trust me. 350 00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:06,506 Well, at least 351 00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:09,176 we have finally found a career path for you. 352 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,979 Cool. I'll go get the chips and then we'll talk about cars. 353 00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:14,881 You know what? 354 00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:17,117 Let's settle this car thing first. 355 00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:24,724 * Men. * 356 00:15:24,791 --> 00:15:27,660 Oh, God, it was incredible. 357 00:15:27,727 --> 00:15:29,696 The-the wind, the sky, 358 00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:31,164 the surf. 359 00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:33,366 I feel like I'm reborn. 360 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:40,040 You were out there for 15 minutes. 361 00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:42,309 Yeah, well, my arms got tired. 362 00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:46,479 Oh, so you did decide to go with the kayanking. 363 00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:48,115 What? 364 00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:50,383 Masturyaking? 365 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,252 You're terrible. 366 00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:54,454 But, anyway, no one could see me. 367 00:15:59,092 --> 00:15:59,993 So now what? 368 00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:01,894 Now? 369 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,263 Now I just live. 370 00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:04,697 I enjoy. 371 00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:06,233 All right. 372 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,935 This rat has quit the race. 373 00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:10,070 Good for you. 374 00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:12,072 This hamster is off the treadmill. 375 00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:13,740 Glad to hear it. 376 00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:17,910 This squirrel is satisfied with the nuts he has. 377 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,247 No comment. 378 00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:27,787 I'm not gonna make it, Charlie. 379 00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:29,522 Didn't think you would. 380 00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:31,824 No goals, no challenges, 381 00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:35,195 no, no gut-wrenching fear driving me forward. 382 00:16:35,262 --> 00:16:37,630 I mean, how can you stand it? 383 00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:39,232 Me? 384 00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:42,001 Well, I have kind of an existential philosophy 385 00:16:42,069 --> 00:16:44,171 that shapes my outlook. 386 00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:45,672 It involves a willingness 387 00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:48,175 to let life carry me along in its wake 388 00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:50,610 as I contemplate its infinite mystery. 389 00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:55,582 Plus I drink and take a lot of naps. 390 00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:59,619 Yeah, well, I need something meaningful to strive for. 391 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,422 Sorry, I don't follow. 392 00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:05,592 I need a carrot in front of me and a stick behind me. 393 00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:09,729 Without that, I... I have no reason to live. 394 00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:13,066 That's it! 395 00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:14,067 What's it? 396 00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:17,104 "No reason to live." 397 00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:19,172 That's Mom's angle. 398 00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:21,174 This never had anything to do with Jake. 399 00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:23,343 She's trying to kill you. 400 00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:26,813 Oh, come on. 401 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,448 Think about it. 402 00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:31,318 She takes the financial pressure off your shoulders, 403 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,786 knowing you can't live without it. 404 00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:35,822 Oh, she's good. 405 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,824 Why would Mom want to kill me? 406 00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,159 I don't know. 407 00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:40,693 Why do I want to kill you? 408 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,729 Why does your ex-wife want to kill you? 409 00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:45,732 You just bring that out in people. 410 00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:47,367 You're being ridiculous. 411 00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:50,437 Okay, okay, let's look at the alternate explanation. 412 00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,505 For the first time in her life, 413 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:54,274 our mother is being totally selfless 414 00:17:54,341 --> 00:17:56,343 and thinking about someone else's well-being. 415 00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:01,781 Dear God, my own mother is trying to kill me. 416 00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:04,217 Well, I'm glad we got that settled. 417 00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:07,420 It was really bugging me. 418 00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,591 * Men. * 419 00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:16,095 Terrific sandwich. 420 00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:18,165 FIREMAN: Yeah. 421 00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:19,499 I think you'll find 422 00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:21,834 the fire gave everything a nice smoky flavor. 423 00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:24,604 Just out of curiosity, 424 00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,739 what does a used fire truck go for? 425 00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:29,108 * Men. * 426 00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:33,680 that might cheer you up. 427 00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:35,148 I'm listening. 428 00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:38,218 You need a carrot and a stick to make your life meaningful? 429 00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:39,852 How about this? 430 00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:42,855 Every month I let you give me a small amount of money 431 00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:45,892 in exchange for the pleasure of living in my house. 432 00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:51,231 We'll call it... rent. 433 00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:55,101 Wow, it's been a long time since I paid rent. 434 00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:57,504 Five years, two months, 11 days. 435 00:18:57,570 --> 00:18:58,971 Interesting. 436 00:18:59,038 --> 00:19:01,508 It would certainly give me a reason to go back to work. 437 00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:04,577 Right. That's the carrot. 438 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:08,147 And if you fall behind, I get to hit you with a stick. 439 00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:09,782 Very funny. 440 00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:10,950 No, I'm serious. 441 00:19:11,017 --> 00:19:12,552 That's my carrot. 442 00:19:12,619 --> 00:19:15,422 Okay, how much did you have in mind? 443 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:18,791 Well, I've given it some thought... 444 00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:22,929 ...and... 445 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:25,665 I think you'll find this to be a fair number. 446 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,702 Oh. 447 00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,170 Oh, well, uh, 448 00:19:31,238 --> 00:19:32,639 at least if I'm paying rent 449 00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:34,907 I'll get a say in what goes on around here. 450 00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:36,909 No, no, no, no, no, no. 451 00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:38,911 No. 452 00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:42,782 If you want a say, 453 00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:44,951 this is the number. 454 00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:50,523 I don't need a say. 455 00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:51,491 Good. 456 00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:53,560 So, every month on the first. 457 00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:54,861 Deal. 458 00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:59,165 All right, all right, I feel good about this, 459 00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:01,167 pitching in, pulling my own weight. 460 00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:02,535 It's long overdue. 461 00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:04,737 Five years, two months, 11 days. 462 00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:06,506 Right. 463 00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:08,575 Uh, of, uh, course since the month has already started, 464 00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:09,876 we'll, we'll start next month. 465 00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:11,143 Fine. 466 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,513 Uh, although, uh, with the holidays coming, 467 00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:15,782 maybe it'd be better to start fresh with the new year, 468 00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:16,916 you know? 1/1. 469 00:20:16,983 --> 00:20:18,818 Sure, whatever. Okay. 470 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:21,554 Unless the economy's still in the tank. 471 00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:23,356 Always a possibility. 472 00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:24,924 In which case, you know, 473 00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:27,294 we'll, uh, we'll probably want to revisit the number. 474 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,629 Probably. 475 00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:32,765 I mean, the market is-is pretty volatile right now. 476 00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:35,635 I mean, I think some belt-tightening 477 00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:36,869 is in order for everybody, you know, 478 00:20:36,936 --> 00:20:38,605 landlords and-and tenants alike. 479 00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:46,346 (thud) ALAN: Ow!