1 00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:09,510 It's Mom. 2 00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:11,612 Say hi for me. 3 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:12,613 Hi, Mom. 4 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:15,083 Alan wants to talk to you. 5 00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:19,553 Hi, Mom. 6 00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,355 How was Dubai? 7 00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:24,125 Oh, good, I-I'm glad you met somebody. 8 00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:29,297 Yes, yes, they are a hairy people. 9 00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:32,866 Uh, yeah, I-I don't need to know any more details, 10 00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:35,336 as long as he makes you happy. 11 00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:38,672 That's a detail, Mom. 12 00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:40,474 Oh, no, d-don't worry about your house. 13 00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:43,377 I, uh, I check on it every day on my way home from work. 14 00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:45,846 Yeah, now, that's why I'm the good son. 15 00:00:45,913 --> 00:00:46,914 (chuckles) 16 00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,917 Well, uh... have fun with Hamid. 17 00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:53,354 That's another detail, Mom. 18 00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:55,523 Yeah, I'll, uh, I'll see you tomorrow. 19 00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:57,358 Okay, bye-bye. 20 00:00:57,425 --> 00:00:59,827 You haven't been to her house once, have you? 21 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,295 I checked on it with Google Earth. 22 00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:02,730 It's still there. 23 00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,865 At least the roof is anyway. 24 00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:06,334 I'll just run over today 25 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:08,969 and pick up the newspapers and the mail, and, uh, 26 00:01:09,036 --> 00:01:10,504 replace the dead plants. 27 00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:12,440 You don't think she'll notice new plants? 28 00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:15,709 Nah, she doesn't pay that much attention to living things. 29 00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:16,944 Remember when she had the cockatoo? 30 00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:18,979 Oh, yeah. 31 00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:22,082 Polly really wanted a cracker. 32 00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:24,752 Hey, listen, as long as you're going to be in Beverly Hills, 33 00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:26,687 you can drop my Mercedes off at the dealership for service. 34 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:28,889 Happy to do it. Hey, I don't want to hear it. 35 00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:30,224 You and your kid live here rent-free. 36 00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:31,292 I don't ask for much in return, 37 00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:32,526 so the least you could do for me, 38 00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:33,794 Alan... Charlie, Charlie. 39 00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:35,229 I said I'm happy to do it. 40 00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:38,199 Oh. 41 00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:41,034 Damn, I was all set to bust your balls. 42 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,737 Sorry to disappoint you. 43 00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:47,275 And just so we're clear, my car is cherry, 44 00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:49,377 so if you bang it, ding it, dent it, 45 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:50,811 or even change the ass-print in the seat, 46 00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:52,546 just keep driving till you get to Mexico, 47 00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,282 then bury yourself in the desert. 48 00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:59,119 I understand your concern, and trust me, 49 00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,888 I will be very careful. 50 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:05,359 You know, you're taking all the fun out of this. 51 00:02:08,396 --> 00:02:11,031 Okay, "get car serviced." 52 00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:13,734 Check. 53 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:16,637 What's next? 54 00:02:16,704 --> 00:02:18,038 Oh, nap time. 55 00:02:18,105 --> 00:02:21,809 (clears throat) 56 00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:25,446 (moans) 57 00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:29,583 Check. 58 00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:32,553 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 59 00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:35,723 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 60 00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:39,059 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 61 00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:40,728 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 62 00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:43,531 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 63 00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:46,700 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 64 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:51,472 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 65 00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:58,178 * Men. * 66 00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:06,654 What the hell are you doing? 67 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:07,955 Whoa! 68 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,290 (thuds) 69 00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:12,159 You okay? 70 00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:15,128 No, I landed on my ass bone. 71 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,764 Sack up. You'll be fine. 72 00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:20,468 Would you grab my sunglasses while you're down there? 73 00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:24,805 "Recover sunglasses." 74 00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:26,206 Check. 75 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:30,110 Thanks. 76 00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:32,079 What's so interesting over there? 77 00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:33,747 Nothing. 78 00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:37,117 Hey, you know the rule: if there's topless sunbathers, 79 00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:39,320 you don't hang out and stare at them. 80 00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:41,054 You come get your Uncle Charlie. 81 00:03:41,121 --> 00:03:43,757 Nobody's topless. 82 00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:44,992 Oh. 83 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:48,696 Then what are you looking at? 84 00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:51,965 Son of a bitch. 85 00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:54,067 Uncheck. 86 00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:56,437 Just some new neighbors. 87 00:03:56,504 --> 00:03:57,371 New neighbors, huh? 88 00:03:57,438 --> 00:03:58,639 What's the deal? 89 00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:00,274 They making s'mores on the barbecue? 90 00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:02,276 No. Chicken? 91 00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:04,312 It has nothing to do with food. 92 00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:07,948 Oh... a girl. 93 00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:09,082 Is she cute? 94 00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:10,250 No, I'm hanging off the balcony 95 00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:13,153 to look at a mutant. 96 00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:14,522 Don't get snippy. 97 00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:16,724 I was just showing an interest. 98 00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,592 Why don't you go over there and introduce yourself? 99 00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,260 I can't do that. It'd look desperate. 100 00:04:20,328 --> 00:04:22,296 You are desperate. 101 00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,264 Come on. We'll both go. 102 00:04:24,332 --> 00:04:25,065 Really? 103 00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:26,434 Yeah, why not? 104 00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:28,636 I got a little window before my next nap. 105 00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:29,370 Thanks. 106 00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:30,438 No problem. 107 00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:33,273 What am I going to say? 108 00:04:33,341 --> 00:04:34,375 I don't know. 109 00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:36,243 Try saying hello. 110 00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:38,746 Hello? That's all you got? 111 00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:43,016 That's all I got that you can use. 112 00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:45,619 * Men. * 113 00:04:45,686 --> 00:04:49,122 I should have peed before we left. 114 00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:50,290 You've just got a nervous bladder. 115 00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:51,992 Wait till you turn 40. 116 00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:54,528 You'll feel like you have to pee while you're still peeing. 117 00:04:56,564 --> 00:04:58,999 You ready to do this? No. 118 00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:01,034 Oh, come on, what's the worst thing that could happen? 119 00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:02,336 She laughs at me? 120 00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:05,038 Oh, that is so sweet. 121 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:07,808 No, the worst thing that could happen 122 00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:09,910 is she falls in love with you, you get married. 123 00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,979 Ten, 12 years later she comes to her senses, leaves you, 124 00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:14,748 takes all your stuff, and you have to go live in your car. 125 00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,049 Whoa. 126 00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:18,218 Yeah. 127 00:05:18,285 --> 00:05:19,887 (doorbell rings) 128 00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:22,456 What kind of car do you think I'll have? 129 00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,827 Hello. 130 00:05:26,894 --> 00:05:28,028 Hi. 131 00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:29,863 I'm Charlie Harper, and this is Jake. 132 00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:30,864 We live next door. 133 00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:31,832 Right, Jake? 134 00:05:31,899 --> 00:05:32,833 I'm Jake. 135 00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:34,835 Hi, I'm Celeste. 136 00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:36,537 I'm Jake. 137 00:05:36,604 --> 00:05:38,238 Honey, is that the cable guy? 138 00:05:38,305 --> 00:05:40,207 No, Dad, it's our neighbors. 139 00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:42,476 Jerome Burnett. 140 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,145 Hi. 141 00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:46,113 Charlie Harper. 142 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,615 This is my nephew Jake. 143 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,316 We just came by to welcome you to the neighborhood. 144 00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:50,484 Well, that was very nice of you. 145 00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:52,052 Yeah, welcome to the neighborhood. 146 00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:53,120 Bye. 147 00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,055 Hang on. Hang on. 148 00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:56,390 Do you know who this man is? 149 00:05:56,457 --> 00:06:00,093 Yeah, her dad. Bye. 150 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,695 This is Jerome Burnett, 151 00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:04,364 one of the great NFL players of all time. 152 00:06:04,432 --> 00:06:05,966 You're very kind. Thank you. 153 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:08,368 You know what his nickname was, Jake? 154 00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:09,369 No. 155 00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:10,571 Tell him. 156 00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:18,446 Mad Dog. 157 00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:21,582 That's great. 158 00:06:21,649 --> 00:06:22,716 Can I use your bathroom? 159 00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:24,885 Honey, show him where it is. 160 00:06:24,952 --> 00:06:26,053 Come on, Jake. 161 00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:29,490 Lady in the house, Jake. Put the seat back down. 162 00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,392 So what have you been up to lately? 163 00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:33,727 Oh, still working for the Chargers. 164 00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:34,962 You know, mostly front office stuff. 165 00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:36,096 Really? 166 00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:38,432 So you probably have access to tickets and such. 167 00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:40,300 I do. Do you want me to hook you up? 168 00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,369 Oh, gee, I don't want to impose. 169 00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:44,037 I just came by to say hello. 170 00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:45,606 Can you get me a sky box? 171 00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,543 I'll see what I can do. 172 00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:51,111 That'd be great. 173 00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:52,980 And I'm guessing if a, if a player got injured, 174 00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:55,348 you'd probably be one of the first to know about it. 175 00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,250 You know, even before the, uh, 176 00:06:57,317 --> 00:06:59,487 what do you call 'em-- bookies? 177 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,856 Don't push it, Charlie. 178 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,091 Hey, Dad, would it be all right 179 00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:06,326 if Jake and I take a walk on the beach? 180 00:07:06,393 --> 00:07:07,661 Yeah, sure, why not? 181 00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:10,731 Thanks. See you later. 182 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,337 Isn't that nice? 183 00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:20,007 That boy touches my daughter, 184 00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:22,576 I'm going to be touching you. 185 00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:25,378 Understood. 186 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,379 (clears throat) 187 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,616 Can I use your bathroom? 188 00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:31,885 * Men. * 189 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,221 Here you go, Mr. Harper. 190 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,256 Oh, oh, thank you. 191 00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:40,928 Mmm... cappuccino. 192 00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:43,864 I wonder what they're serving at the domestic dealerships. 193 00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:45,699 They do take good care of you here. 194 00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:46,867 Of course, they ought to, 195 00:07:46,934 --> 00:07:48,869 considering what we paid for our cars. 196 00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:49,670 Oh, yeah. 197 00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:50,671 They are expensive. 198 00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:52,673 Is that your CL65 outside? 199 00:07:52,740 --> 00:07:57,277 Uh... yes, it is mine. 200 00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:59,479 How do you like it? 201 00:07:59,547 --> 00:08:01,549 What's not to like? 202 00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:02,516 It does everything but trim your toenails. 203 00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:04,251 (chuckling) 204 00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:07,120 Or maybe it does and I just haven't found the button yet. 205 00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:10,991 Not that I need to trim my toenails. 206 00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:14,127 Did 'em last night. 207 00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:15,228 Over the tub. 208 00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:17,531 Clip, ping, clip, ping! 209 00:08:19,399 --> 00:08:21,935 Diane. 210 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,004 Alan. 211 00:08:24,071 --> 00:08:25,305 (both chuckle) 212 00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:26,473 So you live around here, Alan? 213 00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:27,908 Uh, no, I live down by the beach. 214 00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:30,377 Santa Monica? Uh, Malibu. 215 00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:32,279 Ooh, Malibu. 216 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,446 (chuckles) 217 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,048 Yep. 218 00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:37,651 Malibu. 219 00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:40,654 Yeah, uh, we just call it "the Boo." 220 00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:46,627 You know, like, "Hey, how are things down at the Boo?" 221 00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:49,262 Mr. Harper, your car is ready. 222 00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:51,464 Oh, uh, thank you. I'll, uh, I'll be right there. 223 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:54,001 Well, uh, looks like I'm all done here. 224 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,570 Guess I'll, uh, head back to the Boo. 225 00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:57,771 Don't rub it in. 226 00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:59,573 They told me I'd be here all day. 227 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,108 Oh, that's terrible. 228 00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:02,342 And I'm starving. 229 00:09:02,409 --> 00:09:04,544 Oh, well, they have the little croissants 230 00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:06,647 and the, uh, and the chocolate chip cookies. 231 00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:13,253 Or, uh, maybe I could take you out for a nice lunch. 232 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:14,387 That would be lovely, Alan. 233 00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:15,522 Thank you. Well, terrific. 234 00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:19,126 Let's go. (both chuckling) 235 00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:21,061 This never happened with the Volvo. 236 00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:25,699 * Men. * 237 00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:28,669 (doorbell rings) 238 00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:34,074 It's 5:00. 239 00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:37,845 Thanks. I almost slept through happy hour. 240 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,647 Where's my little girl? 241 00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:40,648 They're not back yet? 242 00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:42,215 Why else would I be here? 243 00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:43,884 Honestly, I was thinking happy hour. 244 00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:48,856 Let me give Jake a call, see what's keeping 'em. 245 00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,557 Yeah, you do that. 246 00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:52,525 Did you try calling your daughter? 247 00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,427 She left her cell phone at the house. 248 00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:55,963 (chuckles) 249 00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:57,397 Kids, huh? 250 00:09:57,464 --> 00:09:59,566 It's ringing. 251 00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:02,535 (over phone): * Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up * 252 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,204 * Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up * 253 00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:07,675 * Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up... * 254 00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:11,344 Oh, that's unfortunate on so many levels. 255 00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,647 (music continues indistinctly over phone) 256 00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:26,694 * Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up * 257 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,729 * Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up 258 00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:31,264 (music continues indistinctly over phone) 259 00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:52,485 * Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up * 260 00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:54,054 * Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up 261 00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:56,957 * Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up * 262 00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:58,258 * Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up 263 00:10:58,325 --> 00:11:02,595 * Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up * 264 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,898 * Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up 265 00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:07,500 * Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up * 266 00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:10,137 * Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up 267 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:12,305 * Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up * 268 00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:14,708 * Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up... * 269 00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:18,145 * Men. * 270 00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:20,080 This is just my pied-à-terre. 271 00:11:20,147 --> 00:11:22,415 I spend most of my time out at the beach house. 272 00:11:22,482 --> 00:11:24,151 Looks like you haven't been here in a while. 273 00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:25,518 Oh, just two weeks. 274 00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:28,221 Don't you have someone to come in to water your plants? 275 00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:30,824 Oh, I do, but he's incredibly unreliable. 276 00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:32,960 My brother. 277 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:36,129 Oh. A bit of a mooch. 278 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,832 So, now that we're here, 279 00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:40,433 what do you want to do? 280 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:43,336 Ah, gee, I don't know, I... 281 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:47,374 Oh, well, that's an option. 282 00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:52,112 (ringtone playing) 283 00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:58,018 Oh, excuse me. 284 00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:00,453 Alan Harper speaking. 285 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:03,891 (hushed): I know who's speaking, you dill weed. 286 00:12:03,957 --> 00:12:05,325 We've got a problem here. 287 00:12:09,629 --> 00:12:10,697 Oh, really? 288 00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:13,433 It's the mooch at the Boo. 289 00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:16,669 So, uh, what's the problem? 290 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:19,606 Not the wine cellar again, is it? 291 00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:23,310 What are you talking about, you gibbering moron? 292 00:12:23,376 --> 00:12:25,512 Good, good. 293 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:30,784 Listen to me, your idiot son's about to get me killed. 294 00:12:30,851 --> 00:12:34,154 Oh, so he's okay? 295 00:12:34,221 --> 00:12:36,089 He's great. Probably having the time of his life. 296 00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:37,557 I'm the one in trouble. 297 00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:41,094 Uh, well, I-I-I trust you to take care of it. 298 00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:42,362 Thanks for the update. 299 00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,064 Take a bottle of Pinot for yourself. 300 00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:47,835 Alan? 301 00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:52,105 Oh! 302 00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:57,210 My God, I thought there was an eclipse. 303 00:12:58,511 --> 00:13:00,914 Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom again. 304 00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:14,127 (both moaning pleasurably) 305 00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:17,464 (giggling) 306 00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:19,666 Oh! I knew it. 307 00:13:19,732 --> 00:13:20,934 You're married. 308 00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:23,270 Oh, oh, no-no-no. I'm not married. 309 00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:25,038 This is, uh, this is just, uh... 310 00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:27,074 A silk evening gown. 311 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,809 Actually, I think it's chiffon. 312 00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:31,678 You men are all the same. 313 00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:32,812 No, no, no, wait. Diane, Diane... 314 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,382 You've got the wrong idea. 315 00:13:35,448 --> 00:13:36,850 There's something you don't know about me. 316 00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:38,318 You're gay? No. 317 00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:40,087 You're a cross-dresser? No. 318 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,622 'Cause, you know, I could really get into that. 319 00:13:42,689 --> 00:13:44,958 Yes! 320 00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:48,862 I'm a big, ol' cross-dresser. 321 00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:53,533 Sorry it took so long. 322 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,135 I had a little accident. 323 00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:57,070 Come on, you and me are going to go out 324 00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:58,071 and find those kids. 325 00:13:58,138 --> 00:13:59,272 Jerome, Jerome, hang on. 326 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,909 What?! Oh! 327 00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:03,911 Still pretty nimble. 328 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,347 Let's sit down, 329 00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:10,017 take a deep breath, and talk this through for a minute. 330 00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:12,953 Come on, big fella. 331 00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:16,089 Please? 332 00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:19,792 Make it quick. 333 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,794 Okay, here's the deal. 334 00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,964 Jake is harmless. 335 00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:25,966 You don't have a thing to worry about, 336 00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:28,368 unless your daughter's made out of doughnuts. 337 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,940 Which I'm assuming she's not. 338 00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,842 Look, Celeste is all I've got. 339 00:14:35,909 --> 00:14:38,111 You don't know what it's like being a single father. 340 00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:40,547 You're right. I don't. 341 00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:41,982 But I do know what it's like 342 00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:44,284 to exploit women with daddy issues. 343 00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:47,020 What the hell are you talking about? 344 00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,489 Believe me, if you don't trust your daughter 345 00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,624 to make her own decisions, if you try to control her life, 346 00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:53,160 she's just going to grow up to resent you. 347 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,894 And the next thing you know, 348 00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,863 she'll be trying to punish you by going out 349 00:14:56,930 --> 00:15:00,367 with some weaselly little con artist like, well, me. 350 00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:04,972 And you can't kill us all. 351 00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:09,209 I can try. 352 00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:12,712 Let me start again. 353 00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:16,649 ALAN: Uh, uh, uh, are you sure this is what you want? 354 00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,986 Oh, yeah, baby. 355 00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:22,589 It's always been one of my fantasies. 356 00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:23,690 Oh, okay. 357 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,158 Just a little heads-up: 358 00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:27,794 I'm wearing the panties, but I'm not bikini-safe. 359 00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:30,263 Ugh, my ass looks huge in this. 360 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,069 Diane? (engine starts) 361 00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:41,008 (tires screeching) 362 00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:43,376 Oh, no. Oh, no! 363 00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:46,213 Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! 364 00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:50,117 Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! 365 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:54,954 Not bad. 366 00:15:58,025 --> 00:15:59,826 (door closes) 367 00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:02,029 Oh, no! Oh, no! 368 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,966 Yes, yes, my car has been stolen. 369 00:16:07,034 --> 00:16:08,235 Yes, just now. 370 00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:10,403 If you hurry, you ca... 371 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,072 Sure, I'll hold. 372 00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:15,975 EVELYN: Why am I not surprised? 373 00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:21,348 Did it have to be my red chiffon? 374 00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:28,355 * Men. * 375 00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:30,623 (sobbing): Then after I blew out my knee, 376 00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:32,059 my wife left me. 377 00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:34,661 Oh, man, I'm sorry. 378 00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:36,329 For a place kicker. 379 00:16:38,265 --> 00:16:41,434 Ooh, insult to injury. 380 00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:44,271 A little, tiny dude from Serbia. 381 00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:48,175 Not a single vowel in his entire name. 382 00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:53,346 Oh, yeah, Grl Zrbnck. 383 00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:57,450 That guy could sure split the uprights. 384 00:16:57,517 --> 00:17:00,553 In a football manner of speaking. 385 00:17:01,954 --> 00:17:04,457 And ever since then, it's just been me and Celeste. 386 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:05,692 Sure, sure. 387 00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:06,993 I don't know what I'd do 388 00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:08,628 if anything ever happened to her, Charlie. 389 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:11,164 I'd go crazy. 390 00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:15,302 I'd go crazy just thinking about it. 391 00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:24,977 Well, then, for God's sake, don't think about it. 392 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,946 Come on. Come on. 393 00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:28,348 Let's get you home. 394 00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:30,817 Thanks, Charlie. You're okay. 395 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:33,019 No problem. 396 00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:34,521 You just kick back and relax. 397 00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:37,457 And when Celeste walks through that door, 398 00:17:37,524 --> 00:17:40,059 all you've got to do is act like nothing's happened. 399 00:17:40,127 --> 00:17:41,294 You think something happened? 400 00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:44,131 No, no, no, nothing happened. 401 00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:46,233 Which is why it's not really acting. 402 00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:48,335 And it will show your daughter that you trust her. 403 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,104 Okay, I'll give it a shot. 404 00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:53,072 You won't be sorry. I promise. 405 00:17:53,140 --> 00:17:54,407 Okay. 406 00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:55,508 Hey, come over to the house. 407 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,144 I've got a couple of tickets 408 00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:58,778 for Sunday's game I want to lay on you. 409 00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,347 Oh, you don't have to do that. 410 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,682 I'll just grab my keys. Okay, let's go. 411 00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:06,653 * Men. * 412 00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:08,087 Whatever happened to the guy you tackled 413 00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:10,357 in the Tampa Bay game? Robinson? 414 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:11,691 He's walking again. 415 00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:15,962 Celeste! 416 00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:17,564 Oh! Hi, Dad. 417 00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:22,435 Hey, Mr. Mad Dog. 418 00:18:26,173 --> 00:18:29,142 Am I going to be walking again? 419 00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:32,679 * Men. * 420 00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:35,582 Listen, Jake. 421 00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:37,884 I'm real proud that you stepped up 422 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,252 and got a little action tonight, 423 00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:40,953 but I've got to ask you something. 424 00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:42,222 What? 425 00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:45,725 Are you out of your freakin' mind?! 426 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:46,526 I'm sorry. 427 00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:47,760 We just lost track of time. 428 00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:49,128 Yeah, well, thanks to you, 429 00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:51,798 I've got to change my shorts for the second time today. 430 00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:57,204 Oh, there's my phone. 431 00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:59,272 Who are you calling? Celeste. 432 00:18:59,339 --> 00:19:02,175 No-no, no, no, no, no, cool it with Celeste. 433 00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:04,544 And change your ringtone. 434 00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:07,747 (knocking) 435 00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:08,848 Now what? 436 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:24,163 I'll be with you in a minute. 437 00:19:24,231 --> 00:19:26,399 Jake, go to your room. 438 00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:28,335 No matter what you hear, do not come out. 439 00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:30,470 What? Just go! 440 00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,311 Look, 441 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:39,846 I spoke to the kid. 442 00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:41,648 He's not going to bother your daughter anymore. 443 00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:44,817 So whatever you gotta do, do it to me. 444 00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,954 I'm sorry, buddy. 445 00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:51,758 I overreacted. 446 00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:53,159 Okay. 447 00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:54,494 Celeste told me everything. 448 00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:56,963 She told me your boy was a perfect gentleman 449 00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,398 and that she wanted to kiss him. 450 00:19:58,465 --> 00:20:00,199 She wanted to kiss him? 451 00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:03,936 You may have bigger problems than you thought. 452 00:20:05,372 --> 00:20:07,274 Hey, here's two tickets for the game. 453 00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:08,841 You take Jake; I'll bring Celeste. 454 00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:10,176 We'll make a day of it. 455 00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:12,279 Oh, thanks. That's... that's great! 456 00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:14,547 Excuse me. Sorry. 457 00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,259 Okay, well... 458 00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:27,927 See you Sunday. Sure. 459 00:20:32,432 --> 00:20:34,567 Alan! Where's my car?! 460 00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:37,904 Why are you wearing a dress?! 461 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,407 Alan! (knocking) 462 00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:47,847 Why aren't you in Mexico?!