1 00:00:00,668 --> 00:00:02,970 Previously on: 2 00:00:03,037 --> 00:00:05,173 Wait. Judith threw Herb out? When? 3 00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:06,774 Apparently, about a week ago. 4 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:09,210 Of course you can't compete hard body to hard body, 5 00:00:09,277 --> 00:00:11,345 but you're still a very desirable woman. 6 00:00:11,412 --> 00:00:12,780 You think so? 7 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,216 Oh! Oh, Alan. 8 00:00:15,283 --> 00:00:18,652 You're a good man, and I'm never gonna let you go again. 9 00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:20,054 (laughs) 10 00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:21,555 Never? 11 00:00:24,058 --> 00:00:25,659 I thought you'd be happy. 12 00:00:25,726 --> 00:00:26,994 I thought so, too. 13 00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:28,329 I mean, come on. 14 00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:30,464 You had the woman who took all your money 15 00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:33,101 and threw you out of your house, naked and crouched on the sofa. 16 00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:34,735 There was no sofa. 17 00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:38,005 It was the divan in her bedroom, and I was doing the crouching. 18 00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:39,307 Why were you...? 19 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,109 Never mind. I don't want to know. 20 00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:44,011 The point is, you won. 21 00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:46,214 You had a perfect night of revenge sex. 22 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,849 That's the fourth best kind of sex you can have. 23 00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,084 Fourth? 24 00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:51,385 What are the other...? 25 00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:53,020 Never mind. I don't want to know. 26 00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:56,357 Charlie, the problem is that now that Judith and Herb are over, 27 00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:58,058 she thinks that we're... 28 00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:01,061 ...back to square one 29 00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:05,399 in dealing with the PTA carnival. 30 00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:06,734 What? 31 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,369 The-The school carnival 32 00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,671 that we used to, uh, raise money for. 33 00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:13,641 (quietly): I don't want Jake to know about me and Judith... 34 00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:15,776 ...Ithcariot. 35 00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:18,246 Judith Ithcariot. 36 00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:20,448 Who thold out our lord for 30 pieces of thilver. 37 00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,483 What are you talking about? 38 00:01:22,550 --> 00:01:24,452 Oh, I was just, uh, telling your uncle 39 00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:27,221 about this, uh... this, uh... this great, uh, cartoon. 40 00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:30,558 Uh, "Daffy Duck and the Greateth Sthory Ever Told." 41 00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:32,360 Sounds lame. 42 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,728 Classic Warner Brothers animation. 43 00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:35,496 (laughs) 44 00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:38,366 Boy, you really suck at this. 45 00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:40,968 The thing is, I'm not sure I want to be back with Judith. 46 00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:43,437 Well, let's look at the pros and cons. 47 00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:45,573 The pros are, if you move out, 48 00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:47,975 I'll have an empty guest room.... 49 00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:52,713 tinest, tootin'est apostle in all of Jerusalem. 50 00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,114 Gethsemane Sam! 51 00:01:54,182 --> 00:01:55,883 What? 52 00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:57,385 Or how about Barabas Bunny? 53 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,687 (like Bugs Bunny): Uh, what's up, Pontius? 54 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,023 If Berta finds out you're leaving, 55 00:02:03,090 --> 00:02:05,526 she'll want your room, and I don't need a live-in maid. 56 00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:06,794 Oh, don't worry. I'm not leaving. 57 00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:08,762 Oh, good, 'cause I was worried. 58 00:02:08,829 --> 00:02:10,431 Look, 59 00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:12,233 I have already been married to Judith, and we... 60 00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:13,501 We... We... 61 00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:15,869 We should send Jack to military school? 62 00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:17,871 What? 63 00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:19,340 Oh, oh, uh, yeah. 64 00:02:19,407 --> 00:02:21,074 Charlie, he wasn't supposed to hear that. 65 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:23,110 I'm going to military school? 66 00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:24,712 If you don't shape up, yeah. 67 00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:27,281 And it's not gonna be our military, either. 68 00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:31,819 I don't want to go to any military school. 69 00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:34,154 Well, then, you better get to your homework. 70 00:02:34,222 --> 00:02:36,757 Okay, okay. 71 00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:38,992 Extortion. 72 00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:40,160 So simple. 73 00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:41,795 Who knew? Yeah. 74 00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:44,232 If the kid's going to military school, 75 00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:46,534 I'll take his room. 76 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,602 No, no, Berta, you misunderstood. 77 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,137 He's not going to military school? 78 00:02:50,204 --> 00:02:51,639 JAKE: I'm not going to military school?! 79 00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:53,274 You are going to military school! 80 00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:54,842 He's not going to military school. 81 00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:56,877 Okay, then, I'll take Zippy's room 82 00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:58,479 when he moves back to Judith. 83 00:03:01,449 --> 00:03:04,117 (whispers): Oh, for God's sake, does she hear everything? 84 00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,387 BERTA: Some things I just infer. 85 00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:11,592 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 86 00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:14,628 * Oh-ho * Men. * 87 00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:22,135 Get me another beer, would you? 88 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,805 Why can't you get it yourself? 89 00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:27,641 (humming "Reveille") 90 00:03:36,183 --> 00:03:38,719 This is beautiful. 91 00:03:39,853 --> 00:03:41,789 (phone ringing) 92 00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:46,660 Hey, Judith. What's shakin'? 93 00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:49,363 Mom, I'll be good! Don't send me to military school! 94 00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:52,400 Where's that beer, maggot? 95 00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:55,803 Nothing. Nothing. 96 00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:58,706 Just a little game we're playing. 97 00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:01,475 So anyway, Judy, what's new in your little world? 98 00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:03,511 Hang on. I'll see if he's here. 99 00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,913 (whispers): Oh, no, no. I'm not here. I'm not here. 100 00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,681 Sorry, he's not here. 101 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,017 Oh, wait. He just walked in. 102 00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:14,021 (whispers): Why? 103 00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:16,324 (whispers): Why not? 104 00:04:18,225 --> 00:04:19,960 Oh, hey, hey, Judith. 105 00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:21,795 I was just about to call you. 106 00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:23,030 Yeah. Uh, yeah. 107 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:24,398 Hold on a sec. 108 00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:26,400 Let me... Let me get some privacy. 109 00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:27,935 What are they talking about? 110 00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,970 Nothing important. 111 00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:38,412 I'm gonna miss you, buddy. 112 00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:45,853 (playing gentle melody) 113 00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:48,055 Where's Jake? 114 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,857 Washing my car. 115 00:04:51,592 --> 00:04:54,395 Then he's gonna clean the garage. 116 00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:56,964 We should have thought of this years ago. 117 00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:59,400 I know. I'm kicking myself. 118 00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:01,034 Okay, I won't be late. 119 00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:02,069 Hot date with the ex? 120 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,637 Oh, no, nothing hot about it. 121 00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:05,072 It's just dinner, and I'm going to tell her 122 00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,840 that the other night was just a onetime thing, 123 00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:09,009 and that I don't see that we have a future together. 124 00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:11,011 But me you see a future with? 125 00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:15,383 I finished the garage. 126 00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:16,350 You sure? 127 00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:18,352 Yeah. 128 00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:20,854 (plays "The Halls of Montezuma") 129 00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:22,022 Let me look again. 130 00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:25,959 (ends song with a flourish) 131 00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,096 More wine? 132 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:30,297 Oh, I'd-I'd better not. 133 00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:31,465 I have to drive. 134 00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,166 Have some more wine. Oh. 135 00:05:33,233 --> 00:05:35,369 Maybe a splash. 136 00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:37,738 Oh, oh, my. 137 00:05:37,805 --> 00:05:38,772 (laughs) 138 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,341 I, uh, hope this is a good driving wine. 139 00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:43,544 (laughs) 140 00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:49,316 Oh, that-that feels good. 141 00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:50,618 I'm glad. 142 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,019 Have you been working out? 143 00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:53,120 Oh, just the Bowflex. 144 00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,689 I, uh, had to give up my gym membership 145 00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:57,658 so I could get my tooth filled. 146 00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:59,292 Well, whatever you're doing, it's working. 147 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:00,661 A lot of definition here. 148 00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:02,430 Oh, Oh, that would be this one. 149 00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:04,832 Oh, yeah, there it is. 150 00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:05,966 Yeah, yeah. 151 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,334 (laughs) 152 00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:09,503 So, would you like some dessert? 153 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:11,138 Oh, oh, don't go to any trouble. 154 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,372 It's no trouble, sweetie. 155 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,741 I like taking care of you. 156 00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:16,744 And I like being taken care of. 157 00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:20,581 Ugh! 158 00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:22,983 Wake up! Wake up! 159 00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,419 Um, uh, listen, Judith, 160 00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:28,288 I-I've been thinking about you and me. 161 00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:29,457 Me, too. 162 00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:30,524 Oh. Oh. Oh, good. 163 00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:31,792 You know, even though 164 00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:33,727 the other night was wonderful and all, 165 00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:35,529 I think it might be better 166 00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:37,898 if we tried slowing things down a bit. 167 00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:39,299 I agree. You do? 168 00:06:39,366 --> 00:06:42,002 Of course. I'm barely out of my marriage to Herb. 169 00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:43,537 True, true. 170 00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:44,605 Here, careful. Hot pudding. 171 00:06:44,672 --> 00:06:46,006 So, uh, you'll get the divorce, 172 00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:48,175 and then, you know, we'll see where we are. 173 00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,643 That sounds great. Well, good. 174 00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:52,012 I'm, uh... I'm glad we're on the same page. 175 00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:54,982 (grunts) 176 00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:57,150 Oh, hot. I told you it was hot. 177 00:06:57,217 --> 00:06:58,351 Hot! Hot! Hot! 178 00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,787 Have some more wine. 179 00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:01,655 Aw. Oh. 180 00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:02,956 That's better. That's better. 181 00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,291 I'll get your spoon. 182 00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:05,626 Oh. Oh, God. 183 00:07:05,693 --> 00:07:07,828 Oh.... pudding! 184 00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:15,435 MAN (on TV): So when the moment's right, and she's ready, 185 00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,037 you'll be ready, too. 186 00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,139 Side effects may include, nausea, headaches, dry mouth, 187 00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:20,974 blurred vision, dizziness, anal leakage, 188 00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:22,910 kidney failure and massive stroke. 189 00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,178 She'd better be ready to call an ambulance. 190 00:07:27,915 --> 00:07:29,483 Hey. 191 00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:31,051 Hey. 192 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,185 Is Jake asleep? 193 00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:33,721 Probably not. 194 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:36,089 After dinner, I made him watch Full Metal Jacket 195 00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:37,324 and Deerhunter. 196 00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:39,527 Oh, Charlie. 197 00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:40,861 And how was your evening? 198 00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:43,731 Oh, it was really a lot of fun. 199 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:46,800 You know, I'd forgotten how nice she can be. 200 00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:48,001 Judith? 201 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,803 Who else would I be talking about? 202 00:07:49,870 --> 00:07:52,773 I don't know. Somebody actually nice. 203 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:56,243 What was the name of Jimmy Carter's wife? 204 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,344 Rosalynn? 205 00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:59,847 She was nice. 206 00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:02,315 I always got a good vibe off her. 207 00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:05,118 Are you drunk? 208 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,724 Define drunk. 209 00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,960 Would you rather I talk to you in the morning? 210 00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:16,196 No, no. The liquor makes you more interesting. Go on. 211 00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:18,866 Judith's changed, Charlie. 212 00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:20,934 She's-She's a different woman. 213 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,837 Different than the one who threw you out of your house 214 00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:26,373 with your nuts in a to-go bag? 215 00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:29,042 That's a little graphic, don't you think? 216 00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:30,210 I'm an artist, Alan. 217 00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:32,379 I paint with words. 218 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,114 You're a lush, Charlie. 219 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,248 You paint with vomit. 220 00:08:37,317 --> 00:08:41,789 My point is that Judith has become a warm, nurturing woman. 221 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,791 You nailed her again, didn't you? 222 00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:46,594 No, no, no, it was just, just the one time. 223 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:48,929 Tonight, we did not have sex. 224 00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:50,564 Technically. 225 00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:52,866 Really? Judith? 226 00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:56,804 I know. I had to keep peeking to make sure it was her. 227 00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:00,941 Well, congratulations. 228 00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:02,943 So when are you gonna move back in? 229 00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:04,712 Ah, we're not quite there yet. 230 00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:06,213 Oh, come on, why wait? 231 00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:09,082 We could load up the car and drive over there tonight. 232 00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:12,720 You promised if I shaped up, I wouldn't have to go! 233 00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:17,424 Aren't you starting to feel a little guilty 234 00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,059 about misleading him? 235 00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:20,260 Yeah, I guess. 236 00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:21,862 Tell you what. 237 00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:23,897 After he finishes cleaning the deck tomorrow, 238 00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:27,000 let's really send him to military school. 239 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,002 * Men. 240 00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:34,274 How's it going? 241 00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:35,375 I'm almost done. 242 00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:36,844 What about the railing? 243 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,079 It's getting dark. I won't finish in time. 244 00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:41,181 No problem. I'll give you a hand. 245 00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:44,384 Gee, thanks. 246 00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:46,854 You back-talkin' me, soldier? 247 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,021 No. 248 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,156 No what? 249 00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:52,059 No way? 250 00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:53,293 No, sir. 251 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,695 Right. No, sir. 252 00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:56,463 That's better. 253 00:09:56,529 --> 00:10:01,635 * I don't know, what I've been told * 254 00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:05,338 * Screwin' with jughead never gets old. * 255 00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:07,607 Okay, don't wait up. 256 00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:09,743 Hey, Alan, 257 00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:11,244 the chimney's a little blocked up 258 00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:13,013 with leaves and crap, and I thought, 259 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,248 maybe if I tied a rope around the kid, 260 00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,050 I could lower him down into it... 261 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,753 Charlie, that borders on child abuse. 262 00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,588 So, it's okay? 263 00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:23,390 Around his waist, not his neck. 264 00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,491 Good night, Jake. 265 00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:26,727 Good night, Dad. I love you. 266 00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,265 Oh, Herb, hi. 267 00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:33,233 Hey, Alan, Charlie. 268 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,401 Hey, Herb. What's up? 269 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,770 Well, I was just on my way down to The Sand Dollar. 270 00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:38,772 I thought maybe you and Alan would like to join me. 271 00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:39,773 It's ladies night. 272 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:40,941 What do you say, Alan? 273 00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:42,943 You can get in for half price. 274 00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:47,180 Plus, all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp. 275 00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:47,981 CHARLIE: Wow. 276 00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:49,817 Just keeps getting better, huh? 277 00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:52,753 No, I-I-I... I have other plans. 278 00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:54,521 Oh. Got a date? 279 00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:55,588 Yeah, Alan. 280 00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,424 You got a date? 281 00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,259 No. A date? 282 00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:00,928 Not likely. 283 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,263 No, I have a-a-a... a meeting with the, uh, 284 00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:06,333 the-the-the thing about the... about the group. 285 00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:07,500 I told you. Remember? 286 00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:10,237 No. Tell me again. 287 00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,606 He's a little pickled. 288 00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:14,975 (chuckling) 289 00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:18,411 Uh, well, if you must know, uh, uh, 290 00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:20,580 I-I-I-I belong to a... 291 00:11:20,647 --> 00:11:23,616 a book club that I am going to. 292 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,385 Oh, that's right. 293 00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:27,888 What book are you reading again? 294 00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:30,223 It's... it's a mystery, 295 00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:33,894 uh, called Why Are You Doing This To Me? 296 00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:36,329 Oh, yeah, it's by the same guy 297 00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:39,767 who wrote Because It Amuses Me. 298 00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:42,435 Boy, I wouldn't have had you two 299 00:11:42,502 --> 00:11:44,404 pegged as readers. 300 00:11:45,672 --> 00:11:47,507 Well, there you go. 301 00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:48,508 Good night. 302 00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:50,077 Hey, Alan? Yeah? 303 00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,611 You talk much to Judith these days? 304 00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:53,213 Nope, see you. Oh, well, 305 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,382 if you speak to her, tell her I say hi. 306 00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:56,850 Okay. And that the 307 00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:58,986 time we spent together is very special to me, 308 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:02,522 and if she needs anything, uh, just call me. 309 00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:03,991 I'm there. 310 00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:07,660 You know what's a good book? 311 00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:11,331 Under the Dining Room Table by Richard Gobbler. 312 00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:18,471 But... but it does not compare 313 00:12:18,538 --> 00:12:21,942 to Wait Till Your Liver Fails by Hope Udai. 314 00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:29,516 Well, what do you say, Charlie, huh? 315 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:30,984 Me and you? 316 00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:33,353 Go down to the Sand Dollar, have a few drinks. 317 00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,522 Who knows, maybe we'll meet a couple of nice gals. 318 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,490 Sure, why not? 319 00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:40,060 And if the pickings are slim, you could always wrangle up 320 00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:41,494 some of your prostitute friends. 321 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:43,530 Oh, boy. 322 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,732 Prostitutes and popcorn shrimp. 323 00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:48,869 All you can eat. 324 00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:52,239 Okay, Herb, 325 00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:54,908 let me explain to you something about hookers. 326 00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,210 Oh, man. 327 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,980 Who's been feeding the seagulls blueberries? 328 00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:03,650 * Men. 329 00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:04,918 Here you go. 330 00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:07,087 Oh, crème brûlée. 331 00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:07,888 Yummy. 332 00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:09,789 (chuckling) 333 00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:16,063 (blowing) 334 00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:20,834 (clanging) 335 00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:23,036 Oops, I dropped my spoon. 336 00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:27,574 Um, you know, I... I ran into Herb today. 337 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:28,909 (bang) Ow! 338 00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,612 What? 339 00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:34,781 He came by the house. 340 00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:36,683 Why would he come by your house? 341 00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:38,485 I just think he's lonely. 342 00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:39,752 He misses you. 343 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,989 Well, too bad. 344 00:13:43,756 --> 00:13:46,059 So, you don't miss him? 345 00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:48,261 (bang) Ow, ow, Alan! 346 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,163 Are we gonna spend all night talking about Herb 347 00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:51,932 or do you want me to get my spoon? 348 00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:53,366 Well, if you're gonna bark at me, 349 00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:55,335 there's really no point in you getting your spoon. 350 00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:58,538 I'm not barking at you, I'm... 351 00:13:58,605 --> 00:13:59,472 You're right. 352 00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:00,673 I'm sorry. 353 00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:03,143 I'm right and you're sorry? 354 00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:04,244 Mm-hmm. 355 00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:05,612 Let's not waste the night arguing 356 00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:09,516 when we could spend it doing anything you want. 357 00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:11,718 Anything? 358 00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:13,453 (whispering): Anything. 359 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,989 Wow. 360 00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:18,491 Can you say I'm right again? 361 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,095 Geez, Herb, you live here? 362 00:14:22,162 --> 00:14:23,463 This is really depressing. 363 00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,098 You should see it during the day. 364 00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:28,301 You'd want to hang yourself. 365 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:29,602 Well, ladies, 366 00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:31,939 welcome to Casa de Herb. 367 00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:34,707 That's Spanish for House of Herb. 368 00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:36,409 Just open the door. Hold on. 369 00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:38,345 I'll trade you the lounge lizard 370 00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:40,280 for the Jolly Green Jackass. 371 00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:41,614 I hope you gals like trains. 372 00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:42,782 Slow down, buddy. 373 00:14:42,849 --> 00:14:44,451 It's just the two of us. 374 00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:51,191 All aboard! 375 00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:56,896 I bet you thought this was gonna be weird. 376 00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:58,098 Pretty nice, huh? 377 00:14:58,165 --> 00:14:59,933 Best H.O. money can buy. 378 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,734 You don't have to spell it, Herb. 379 00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:03,003 They know what they are. 380 00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,738 So, shall we get this party started? 381 00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:07,540 Okeydokey. 382 00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:10,610 Would you like a snack or a cold beverage? 383 00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:13,580 Um, Herb, while there is a social stigma 384 00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:16,016 to this transaction, the big plus is these girls 385 00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:17,250 don't require any wining and dining. 386 00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:18,451 They just want to do the deed, 387 00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:20,720 then get as far away from us as they can. 388 00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:23,090 Really? 389 00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:24,457 Not even a Snapple? 390 00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:27,560 They're not thirsty, Herb. 391 00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:29,262 And you're paying them by the hour. 392 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,365 Oh, okay. 393 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,801 Well, I guess we should just, uh, 394 00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:39,072 go to the bedroom and, uh... 395 00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:41,141 Don't make me do this, Charlie. 396 00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:42,909 What are you talking about? 397 00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:44,111 This was your idea. 398 00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:45,412 I don't care. 399 00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:46,579 I'm not like you. 400 00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,915 I can't lay with whores. 401 00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:50,517 No offense. 402 00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:52,585 Where are you going? 403 00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:53,820 I love my wife! 404 00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:55,188 I want her back! 405 00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:06,333 All aboard? 406 00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:10,070 * Men. 407 00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:12,839 (Alan humming) 408 00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:15,575 Sweetie, uh, you're humming again. 409 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:16,776 Sorry. 410 00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:18,711 Don't know the words. 411 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:25,018 Um, okay, uh, could you please 412 00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:27,020 not open your mouth so wide? 413 00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:31,691 Better now? 414 00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:33,260 Yeah, it's fine. 415 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,662 Just, uh, can you not talk in my mouth? 416 00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:36,963 Wow. 417 00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:39,566 More rules than a public pool around here. 418 00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:40,800 They're not rules. 419 00:16:40,867 --> 00:16:42,235 It's just, uh, I know what I like, 420 00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:43,403 and you're not doing it. 421 00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:44,771 All right, fine, what, uh... 422 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:45,772 what do you like, Judith? 423 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,006 I have to tell you? 424 00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:48,875 No, no, let me guess and get yelled at. 425 00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:49,776 Nobody's yelling at you, Alan. 426 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,010 I'm not your mother. 427 00:16:51,078 --> 00:16:52,412 Oh, you're right, my mother 428 00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:54,447 can emasculate me without raising her voice. 429 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:56,983 Oh, God, I can't do this. 430 00:16:57,050 --> 00:16:59,552 Do what? I can't be with you again. 431 00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:01,154 I was afraid of being 40 years old 432 00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:02,489 and all by myself, 433 00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:04,257 but dying alone has got to be better 434 00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:06,093 than being stuck with you. 435 00:17:07,727 --> 00:17:10,130 Okay, now you're starting to sound like my mother. 436 00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:11,398 (knocking on door) 437 00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:12,765 HERB: Judith, I love you. 438 00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:13,833 Please take me back. 439 00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,803 Oh, boy, this is awkward. 440 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,905 Coming, darling. 441 00:17:18,971 --> 00:17:21,108 Get out of here. 442 00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:23,610 Oh, uh, just so we're clear, 443 00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:24,844 we've decided to see other people? 444 00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:26,413 Get out! 445 00:17:28,848 --> 00:17:30,817 * Men. 446 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,219 Thanks for the ride, girls. 447 00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:35,054 And for bringing me home. 448 00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:41,027 * I've been working on the railroad * 449 00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:43,930 * All the livelong day 450 00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:47,867 * Dinah won't you blow, Dinah won't you blow... * 451 00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:49,469 Hey, Alan. 452 00:17:49,536 --> 00:17:50,837 Hey. 453 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,739 Mind if I join you? 454 00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:53,973 It's your house. 455 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,942 Oh, yeah. 456 00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:57,610 Excuse me. 457 00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:59,712 Pardon me, hot soup. 458 00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:06,453 What the hell? 459 00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:13,160 Well, that's a little embarrassing. 460 00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:14,827 What is that? 461 00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:16,896 A railroad crossing sign. 462 00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:18,998 Sorry, I need more. 463 00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:21,701 I was having sex on a train set. 464 00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:25,004 How else do you get a crossing sign 465 00:18:25,071 --> 00:18:27,207 stuck to your ass? 466 00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:28,975 Of course. 467 00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,210 Hey, it could have been worse. 468 00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:33,646 I could have had a caboose in my caboose. 469 00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:34,847 (chuckling) 470 00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:36,649 Well, come on, that's funny. 471 00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:38,785 (forced, unenthusiastic laughter) 472 00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:41,988 So, what happened when Herb showed up at Judith's house? 473 00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:43,556 How did you know about that? 474 00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,258 Lucky guess. 475 00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,528 She kicked me out again, Charlie. 476 00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:50,297 I had to sneak out her back door 477 00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:52,499 while she threw herself into Herb's arms. 478 00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:54,701 (laughing) 479 00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:55,902 What's so funny? 480 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,571 You said, "back door." 481 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,140 That reminds me of my caboose joke. 482 00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:04,177 Good night. 483 00:19:05,077 --> 00:19:06,913 I'm here all week. 484 00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,549 Tip your waitresses. 485 00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:20,893 Hey, Mom, it's Charlie. 486 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,128 Yeah, I know it's late. 487 00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:24,931 Listen, do you think this is funny? 488 00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:29,135 Huh. 489 00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:31,170 Must have got disconnected. 490 00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:37,977 Hey, Jake, you sleeping? 491 00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:40,247 * Men. 492 00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:44,751 * Men. 493 00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:45,885 (doorbell ringing) 494 00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:47,119 Doorbell. Doorbell! 495 00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,655 ALAN: Coming. 496 00:19:56,663 --> 00:19:57,764 Oh. 497 00:19:57,830 --> 00:19:59,299 Oh, hi, uh, thanks for bringing him over. 498 00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:00,767 Oh, no problem-- hey, guess what? 499 00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:03,403 Uh, Herb, why don't we let Jake tell him. 500 00:20:03,470 --> 00:20:04,671 Uh, tell me what? 501 00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:05,938 Jake? 502 00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:07,006 My grades aren't good enough 503 00:20:07,073 --> 00:20:09,509 for military school, so ha-ha. 504 00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:13,613 No, sweetheart, the other thing. 505 00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:14,714 Oh. 506 00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:16,649 I'm gonna have a little brother or sister. 507 00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:20,820 You're... you're pregnant? 508 00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:21,821 Yes, Alan. 509 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:24,090 Herb and I are going to have a baby. 510 00:20:24,156 --> 00:20:25,658 Congratulations. 511 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:28,295 Try to keep this one away from the lead paint. 512 00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:31,898 Did you hear that Alan? 513 00:20:31,964 --> 00:20:34,066 They've only been back together six weeks, 514 00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:36,503 and they're gonna have a baby. 515 00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:39,706 I heard. 516 00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:40,840 Come on in. 517 00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:42,174 We'll pop a bottle of champagne. 518 00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:43,443 (gasps) Champagne. 519 00:20:43,510 --> 00:20:45,712 Uh, no, we really should be going. 520 00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:46,846 Come on, Herb. 521 00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:48,581 Good-bye. Ah, shoot. 522 00:20:49,549 --> 00:20:53,085 What a remarkable coincidence. 523 00:20:53,152 --> 00:20:54,854 Yeah, coincidence. 524 00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:56,723 You okay? No. 525 00:20:57,657 --> 00:20:59,492 Come on, let's sit you down. 526 00:20:59,559 --> 00:21:02,295 Yeah... let's sit me down. 527 00:21:04,431 --> 00:21:06,065 Here you go, buddy. 528 00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:09,168 Here I go. 529 00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:11,304 What's wrong with him? 530 00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:14,006 He's doing math in his head. 531 00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:23,483 Oh, yeah, that's a bitch.