1 00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:04,172 (doorbell chiming) 2 00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:08,008 Oh, hey, Alan. 3 00:00:08,076 --> 00:00:10,178 Jake, your dad's here. 4 00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:12,913 So, how's it going? 5 00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:14,248 All good. 6 00:00:14,315 --> 00:00:15,649 Good. 7 00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:17,017 You? Good. 8 00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:18,719 Well, good. 9 00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:22,056 Yeah, good. 10 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:27,161 Gooood. 11 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:32,933 Well, I, uh, I see you put in a new mailbox. 12 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,002 Oh, yeah, the old one was pretty shoddy. 13 00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:37,638 Whoever put it in didn't anchor the pole correctly. 14 00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:39,740 That would be me. 15 00:00:39,807 --> 00:00:41,242 Oh, sorry. 16 00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:43,377 The mailman was complaining about the wiggle. 17 00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:45,313 Herb, the mailman's a pothead. 18 00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:48,116 Yeah, I know. I caught him eating my tomato plants. 19 00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:50,618 Anyway, I just decided to replace the whole thing. 20 00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:53,421 Yeah, I see it, uh, it now says "The Melnicks." 21 00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:55,689 Well, I paid for the mailbox. 22 00:00:57,024 --> 00:00:58,826 I get my mail there. 23 00:00:58,892 --> 00:00:59,760 My name's Melnick... 24 00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:03,063 Yeah, I... I get it. 25 00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:05,266 Charlie Harper. 26 00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:07,268 Oh. 27 00:01:07,335 --> 00:01:09,503 Jake! 28 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:12,206 No need to yell. He's in the bathroom. 29 00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:13,741 Big surprise, eh? 30 00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:16,377 He's either shoveling it in or shooting it out. 31 00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:20,614 Yeah, he's a regular Play-Doh fun factory. 32 00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,983 Just go make sure he hasn't fallen asleep in there again. 33 00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:24,185 Yes, dear. 34 00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:27,888 So, how's everything? 35 00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:29,557 Fine. 36 00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:32,293 Listen, Alan, I've been thinking now that Jake's a teenager, 37 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,862 he'd benefit from spending some more time with his dad. 38 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,430 Oh, oh, that would be great. 39 00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:37,731 Nothing would make me happier 40 00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:39,700 than to spending more time with my son. 41 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,369 Good. 42 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:42,035 Hey, Dad. 43 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,103 Oh, hey, buddy. 44 00:01:43,171 --> 00:01:44,004 All finished in the bathroom? 45 00:01:44,071 --> 00:01:45,273 For now. 46 00:01:45,339 --> 00:01:46,940 You should've seen the last one. 47 00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:48,542 It looked like a question mark. 48 00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:51,979 Terrific. 49 00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:53,714 And it came out of my colon. 50 00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:54,815 Get it? 51 00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:56,083 Hilarious. 52 00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:56,950 Commas are easy. 53 00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:58,586 Go. 54 00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:03,791 Um, so, uh, what are we talking about here? 55 00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:05,493 You know, an extra day or two every other week? 56 00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:07,961 Actually, I was thinking more like a solid three months. 57 00:02:08,028 --> 00:02:09,029 In a row? 58 00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:10,764 Alan, how many sons do you have? 59 00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:11,899 As many as you do. 60 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,534 Look, do you want your kid or not? 61 00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:17,205 Of course, but... well, I'll have to clear it with Charlie, 62 00:02:17,271 --> 00:02:19,707 and... and there is the financial issue. 63 00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:21,141 What financial issue? 64 00:02:21,209 --> 00:02:22,510 Well, if he's going to be living with me, 65 00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:23,411 I'm thinking I should get a sizeable break 66 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:24,812 on the child support. 67 00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:27,114 Well, you're certainly entitled to your opinion. 68 00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:28,282 Well, thank you. 69 00:02:37,057 --> 00:02:38,826 Wait a minute. 70 00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:41,995 Three months in a row?! 71 00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:44,765 Come on. It'll be fun. For who? 72 00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:47,568 All he does is eat, sleep and clog up the toilets. 73 00:02:47,635 --> 00:02:48,436 Shh! 74 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:49,803 Let's talk about this later. 75 00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:52,005 Oh, please, chowderhead can't hear us. 76 00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:53,207 Right, chowderhead? 77 00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:54,442 See? 78 00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:58,779 Oh, just admit it: you love having him around. 79 00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:02,516 I love having him around because I always know he's leaving. 80 00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:05,853 Don't take the leaving part away from me, Alan. 81 00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:06,854 Let's just give it a chance. 82 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,322 See how it works. 83 00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:10,624 That's what Poland said about the Germans. 84 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:13,327 Been watching the History Channel again? 85 00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:15,296 It's Nazi week. 86 00:03:15,363 --> 00:03:17,331 It's always Nazi week. 87 00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:18,866 Look, tell you what, 88 00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:20,968 why don't I take you and Jake out to dinner tonight? 89 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,970 Can we get chili burgers? 90 00:03:30,678 --> 00:03:33,581 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 91 00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:36,984 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 92 00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:40,120 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 93 00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:41,822 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 94 00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:44,625 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 95 00:03:44,692 --> 00:03:47,728 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 96 00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:52,466 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 97 00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:58,038 * Men. 98 00:03:58,105 --> 00:03:59,540 Well, this is fun, huh? 99 00:03:59,607 --> 00:04:02,075 The three Harper boys sitting around the campfire, 100 00:04:02,142 --> 00:04:03,210 putting on the feedbag. 101 00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:05,379 Yeah, bite me. 102 00:04:08,449 --> 00:04:10,250 So, numbnuts... 103 00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:15,088 Any thoughts as to why your mom dumped you off on us? 104 00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:16,189 Charlie. 105 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,891 Oh, like you're not curious. 106 00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:19,693 No! No, I'm not curious. 107 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,362 She just thought it would be a good idea 108 00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:22,830 for him to spend more time with his father. 109 00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:24,332 Yeah, and I'm trying to save girls 110 00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:27,000 a long ride home on the freeway. 111 00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:30,704 So what's your theory, Alfalfa? 112 00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,540 I think you're just pretending to be considerate 113 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,041 so you can have sex with them. 114 00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:41,615 No, no, I mean about your mother and Herb. 115 00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:42,416 Oh. 116 00:04:42,483 --> 00:04:43,951 They are fighting a lot. 117 00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:44,852 They're fighting? 118 00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:45,853 Yep. 119 00:04:45,919 --> 00:04:47,455 31. 120 00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:49,590 31? 121 00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:53,327 It's what you get when you add 24 and seven. 122 00:04:55,329 --> 00:04:58,065 You know, they're fighting all the time. 123 00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,232 24/7. 124 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,901 31. 125 00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:03,504 I'm not gonna make it three months, Alan. 126 00:05:03,571 --> 00:05:04,672 You're gonna be fine. 127 00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:06,374 They're fighting in front of you? 128 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,041 They don't think they're fighting in front of me 129 00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:09,877 'cause sometimes when I wear the headphones, 130 00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:10,878 I turn the music off. 131 00:05:11,945 --> 00:05:13,881 And you figured that out all by yourself? 132 00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:17,084 Hey, you may think I'm dumb, but you overestimate me. 133 00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:21,522 My mistake. 134 00:05:21,589 --> 00:05:23,190 So what are they arguing about? 135 00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:24,992 Well, she doesn't like his parents, 136 00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:27,194 he doesn't like her spending, and something about sex. 137 00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:28,629 What about sex? 138 00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,833 That's when I turn the music back on, you sick freak. 139 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,238 Sorry. 140 00:05:38,305 --> 00:05:40,173 I mean, that's my mother. 141 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:42,009 I said I'm sorry. 142 00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:44,712 Man, I'm not gonna make it three months. 143 00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:49,783 Oh, great, now he's got the moral high ground. 144 00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:52,486 Forget about that. 145 00:05:52,553 --> 00:05:53,987 The important thing is, 146 00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:58,091 Judith and Herb are having marital problems. 147 00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:00,127 Why does that make you happy? 148 00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:01,962 Well, it's not happiness exactly. 149 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,196 It's just that, you know, 150 00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:04,632 all these years she's been blaming me 151 00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:08,301 for the failure of our marriage, and now... 152 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:12,272 Yeah, I guess happiness pretty much sums it up. 153 00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:14,442 * Men. 154 00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,545 Hey, what's this I hear 155 00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:21,482 about Little Lord Skidmark coming to live here full time? 156 00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:23,484 Oh, it's just for a few weeks. 157 00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:25,018 I'm sure if we all pull together, 158 00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:26,520 you'll hardly even notice he's here. 159 00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,689 Yeah, pull this. 160 00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:31,525 Charlie! 161 00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:34,394 You and me gotta have a conversation. 162 00:06:36,697 --> 00:06:38,165 Nice talking to you. 163 00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:42,035 (doorbell rings) 164 00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,837 Hey, Alan. Oh, hey, Herb. 165 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,073 Judith asked me to drop this stuff off for Jake. 166 00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:47,274 Oh, let me help you. 167 00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:48,942 Thanks. 168 00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:54,047 So, what have you two lovebirds got planned 169 00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:55,182 for the next few months? 170 00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:56,584 Second honeymoon? 171 00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:58,251 No, not exactly. 172 00:06:58,318 --> 00:07:02,456 Hard to believe you're coming up on your second anniversary. 173 00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:03,491 Yep. Hard to believe. 174 00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:05,759 Two years. 175 00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:09,362 Time flies when you're having fun, eh? 176 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,532 I wouldn't know. 177 00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:13,567 Hey, Herb. 178 00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:15,135 Hey, Charlie. 179 00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:18,472 You ask him about his marriage going down the crapper? 180 00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:23,877 I was easing into it. 181 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:25,779 So was I. 182 00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:27,280 What's the problem, Herb? 183 00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:28,582 Is it in the bedroom? 184 00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:30,183 It usually starts in the bedroom. 185 00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:33,687 That's still my mother, you sick freak! 186 00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:36,356 We usually wait till he puts on headphones 187 00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:37,791 before we discuss these things. 188 00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:40,227 Gee, Herb, something you should know 189 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:41,394 about the headphones is... 190 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,864 Shh, shh! Don't spoil it. 191 00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:46,033 So what's the deal? Is it sex? 192 00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:48,335 No. 193 00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:51,038 Well, yeah, but... it's no big deal. 194 00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:53,340 I mean every marriage has an ebb and flow to it. 195 00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:54,708 Of course. Sure. Sure. 196 00:07:54,775 --> 00:07:58,345 Right now Judith and I are kind of ebbing. 197 00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:00,180 A lot. 198 00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:02,482 31. 199 00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,485 Right. 200 00:08:05,553 --> 00:08:07,621 31. 201 00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:08,956 I don't know what's happening, man. 202 00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,624 We can't seem to communicate anymore. 203 00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:12,325 She constantly finds fault with me. 204 00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:13,527 I don't know what to do. 205 00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:15,128 I'll tell you what to do. 206 00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:19,332 What my testicle-challenged brother should have done. 207 00:08:19,399 --> 00:08:20,367 As soon as she starts complaining, 208 00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:21,501 you put your foot down. 209 00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:23,103 Let her know who's in charge. 210 00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:25,973 And no matter what, do not let her use sex as a weapon. 211 00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:27,808 You let her know that if she won't satisfy your needs, 212 00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:29,342 there's plenty of women out there who will. 213 00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:30,343 Really? 214 00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:32,012 Why would I lie? 215 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:37,517 Women like Judith respond to strength and confidence, not... 216 00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:41,321 well, that. 217 00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:44,357 Oh, you make a compelling case. 218 00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:45,425 Damn right I do. 219 00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:46,727 Now go claim what's yours. 220 00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:48,495 I believe I will. 221 00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:49,697 Thanks, Charlie. 222 00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:52,966 I'm here for you, big guy. 223 00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:56,136 Why did you do that? 224 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:58,138 I get bored. 225 00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:03,677 * Men. 226 00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:07,781 Hey. Hey. 227 00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:12,152 Why aren't you in school? 228 00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:13,453 I'm sick. 229 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,288 Sick? 230 00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:18,626 Relax, I'm just faking to get out of a math test. 231 00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:21,428 Oh, okay, good. 232 00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:22,696 You scared me. 233 00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:24,531 What's with the staple gun? 234 00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:27,334 Oh, the sole's coming off my shoe. 235 00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:30,003 Ah. 236 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,572 You might want to take it off first. 237 00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:35,342 Good call. 238 00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:43,150 Morning. 239 00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:44,584 (staple gun clacking) 240 00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:46,253 It's none of my business, but that's one kid 241 00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:49,857 who can't afford to miss a single day of school. 242 00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,324 (staple gun clacking) 243 00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:55,328 Yeah, like school's gonna make a difference. 244 00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:58,866 (staple gun clacking) JAKE: Ow! Crap! 245 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:03,403 I stapled my fingers together. 246 00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:06,006 You got a point. 247 00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:12,212 * Men. 248 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,214 Come on, honey. Blow. 249 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,749 (blowing nose) 250 00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,621 (muffled): What's he got? 251 00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:23,590 A cold, I think. 252 00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:25,092 Then why didn't you leave him at home? 253 00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:28,528 That way, we all don't have to get sick. 254 00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:29,863 (coughing) 255 00:10:31,431 --> 00:10:32,966 And that's why you should always take your shoes 256 00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:34,334 to a fully qualified, professional cobbler. 257 00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:38,471 You know what's good? Apple cobbler. 258 00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:40,440 What's the damage, doc? 259 00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:42,810 Will he play the violin again? 260 00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,277 He'll be fine. 261 00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,346 You might wanna keep him away from staple guns. 262 00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:47,347 Right. 263 00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:48,716 Also nail guns, glue guns, 264 00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:50,718 pretty much anything with "gun" in it. 265 00:10:50,784 --> 00:10:53,253 Got it. Thanks, Herb. 266 00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,757 Hey, Charlie, could I talk for you a sec? 267 00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:58,625 Why don't you go wait for me in the car? 268 00:10:58,692 --> 00:10:59,727 Gimme the keys. 269 00:10:59,793 --> 00:11:01,661 I'm not giving you the keys. 270 00:11:01,729 --> 00:11:03,363 Then how am I gonna wait in the car? 271 00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:04,965 Wait by the car. 272 00:11:05,032 --> 00:11:07,935 I don't have sunscreen on. I'm very fair-skinned. 273 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,838 Then wait under the car. 274 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:14,808 What's up? 275 00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:16,710 Well, remember that advice you gave me 276 00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:18,111 about how to handle Judith? 277 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:20,580 Oh, gee, Herb, that wasn't so much advice 278 00:11:20,647 --> 00:11:22,816 as, you know, social satire. 279 00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:24,484 Well, it worked out great. 280 00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:25,819 Really? 281 00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:27,755 She bought that king-of-the-castle crap? 282 00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,923 No, no, she kicked my ass out. 283 00:11:29,990 --> 00:11:31,691 But the thing is, talking with you 284 00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:33,093 and seeing how you live, 285 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,527 I'm convinced I'm better off single. 286 00:11:34,594 --> 00:11:35,963 Is that so? 287 00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,631 Oh, yeah. I mean, why chew on one chicken wing 288 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,600 when you can eat from the whole bucket? 289 00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:43,370 Just so there's no confusion. 290 00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:44,805 Chicken wings are...? 291 00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:46,539 Women, Charlie. 292 00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:48,008 I was offering up a metaphor. 293 00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:51,711 And you went with wings rather than breasts and thighs. 294 00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:55,448 Ooh, that is better. 295 00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:58,551 Anyway, I was thinking maybe you and I can go out sometime 296 00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:00,453 and get a party pack. 297 00:12:01,621 --> 00:12:03,123 Sex with strange women. 298 00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:04,992 I'm extending the metaphor. 299 00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:07,594 Of course. Sure, let's do that sometime. 300 00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:09,729 Thanks again for sewing up the kid. 301 00:12:09,797 --> 00:12:11,564 So, uh, what color do you like? 302 00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:13,033 Excuse me? 303 00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:18,438 Oh, I-I was thinking Asian, but I'll take the green. 304 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,842 * Men. 305 00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:28,648 Hey, Dad. 306 00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:29,516 Oh, hey. How are you feeling? 307 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:30,583 Fine. 308 00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:31,785 Throat's not sore anymore? 309 00:12:31,852 --> 00:12:35,655 (coughs) Oh, yeah, a little. 310 00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:38,625 What happened to your fingers? 311 00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:41,028 Oh, I stapled 'em together. 312 00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:45,298 Ah. 313 00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:51,371 Hey, hey, we do not leave our shoes on the... 314 00:12:56,343 --> 00:12:57,410 What the hell? 315 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:04,551 We need to get rid of the staple gun. 316 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:07,554 Alan, staple guns don't staple shoes to coffee tables. 317 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,422 Idiots do. 318 00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:12,425 Why are you taking your temperature? 319 00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:16,964 I think some little snot locker gave me smallpox. 320 00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:20,433 (phone rings) 321 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:23,270 Oh, man, leave me alone. 322 00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:25,038 Is that Mom? 323 00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:26,673 You think maybe I might want to talk to her? 324 00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:28,041 Do you? 325 00:13:28,108 --> 00:13:29,742 Of course not. It's the principle. 326 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:32,946 Well, that wasn't Mom. It was Herb. 327 00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:34,147 Why is Herb calling? 328 00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:36,083 Since Judith threw him out, 329 00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,118 he wants me to help him pick up women. 330 00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:41,288 Wait. Backupbackupbackupbackup backupbackup! 331 00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:43,556 Wait. Judith threw Herb out? When? 332 00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:46,759 I don't know. Apparently, about a week ago. 333 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,661 Oh, my God. 334 00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:50,563 That's terrible. 335 00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:53,200 Judith must be devastated. 336 00:13:58,838 --> 00:13:59,406 Alan. 337 00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:00,407 Yeah? 338 00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:02,542 You got a little evil on your face. 339 00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:05,946 Other side. 340 00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:11,118 * Men. 341 00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:15,022 Oh, Judith, that's terrible. 342 00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:17,590 You must be devastated. 343 00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:23,030 You must be devastated. 344 00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:27,234 What are you doing here? 345 00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:28,601 Oh, I'm sorry to bother you. 346 00:14:28,668 --> 00:14:30,737 Apparently, Jake left his Social Studies book, 347 00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:31,804 so here I am. 348 00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,907 I think I saw it in the bathroom. 349 00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:36,409 Why? Was he out of toilet paper? 350 00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:42,882 Wouldn't it be great if he could learn that way? 351 00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:46,086 You know, assmosis. 352 00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:47,887 What? 353 00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:49,589 Nothing. 354 00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:51,558 Is Herb around? 355 00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,360 Uh, no. 356 00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:55,528 Oh. Oh, too bad. 357 00:14:55,595 --> 00:14:56,663 Why? 358 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:57,931 No reason. 359 00:14:57,998 --> 00:15:00,333 I just enjoy seeing the big galoot. 360 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,835 Well, the galoot is not here. 361 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:05,572 Oh. Well, uh... 362 00:15:05,638 --> 00:15:06,974 tell him I said hi. 363 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,976 I will. 364 00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:13,981 (sobbing) 365 00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:16,549 Herb moved out! 366 00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:19,919 Our marriage is over! 367 00:15:19,987 --> 00:15:22,422 Oh, Judith, that's terrible. 368 00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:29,997 You must be devastated. 369 00:15:38,972 --> 00:15:41,008 * Men. 370 00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:43,210 What exactly do you have in mind? 371 00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:44,611 Give me your hand. 372 00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:46,179 Okay. 373 00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:48,048 Do I feel warm to you? 374 00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:50,450 Dude! 375 00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:52,619 Aw, crap. 376 00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:56,189 So, uh, you fishing here or can I throw my bobber in the water? 377 00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:00,727 Bye. 378 00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:04,064 How'd you know I was here? 379 00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:05,265 Well, I tried calling, 380 00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:06,833 but your phone must be broken, 381 00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:09,569 so I went by your house and Jake said you went out. 382 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,404 All I had to do was punch "liquor" 383 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:12,939 into the ol' in-dash navigation system, 384 00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:15,275 and three stops later, voila. 385 00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:18,078 So, uh, they biting tonight? 386 00:16:18,145 --> 00:16:19,246 Okay, first of all, 387 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:21,014 can we stop with the fish talk? 388 00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:22,982 Believe me, it's not gonna lead anyplace good. 389 00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:24,817 Back to the chickens? 390 00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:26,919 If we must. 391 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,821 I'll have what he's having. 392 00:16:28,888 --> 00:16:31,924 I'm having a tall Pain in the Ass. 393 00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:32,959 Sounds good. 394 00:16:33,026 --> 00:16:36,029 Does it have rum in it? 395 00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:38,365 How did this happen? 396 00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:40,033 How did I blow another marriage? 397 00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:42,035 Oh, sweetie, you can't blame yourself. 398 00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:44,271 Although you are the common denominator. 399 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:47,407 Alan, I'm 40 years old. 400 00:16:47,474 --> 00:16:49,109 How am I ever gonna start over again? 401 00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:50,677 I know, I know. 402 00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:53,846 And soon you're gonna be 41. 403 00:16:53,913 --> 00:16:55,915 Do you have any idea what it's like 404 00:16:55,982 --> 00:16:58,051 to try and date when all the men your age 405 00:16:58,118 --> 00:17:00,353 are only interested in 25-year-old hard bodies? 406 00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:02,089 Well, you can't blame us. 407 00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:07,227 Of course, you can't compete hard body to hard body, 408 00:17:07,294 --> 00:17:09,396 but you're still a very desirable woman. 409 00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:11,231 You think so? 410 00:17:11,298 --> 00:17:13,900 Well, of course I do. 411 00:17:13,966 --> 00:17:17,204 For your age, you're a very... 412 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:26,379 Hey, Charlie, I've got a question for you. 413 00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:27,847 Yeah. 414 00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:30,617 The hotel I'm staying in has pay-per-view adult movies. 415 00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:31,618 Uh-huh? 416 00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:34,921 Whatever happened to pubic hair? 417 00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:39,459 Gone the way of the dodo bird, my friend. 418 00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:41,994 I mean, I can understand with the ladies, 419 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,030 but what's the deal with the fellas? 420 00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:45,465 It's like with an ugly house. 421 00:17:45,532 --> 00:17:49,035 A little shrubbery helps the curb appeal. 422 00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:52,105 I don't have an answer for you, Herb. 423 00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:53,973 What about you? 424 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,475 Do you trim the old hedges? 425 00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:58,211 Yeah. They're shaped like Disney characters. 426 00:17:58,278 --> 00:18:00,880 Two more vodka tonics. 427 00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:03,516 Cock-a-doodle-do. 428 00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:05,885 Hello. 429 00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:07,053 Hello. 430 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:08,721 Allow me to introduce myself. 431 00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:09,522 Dr. Herbert Melnick. 432 00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:10,657 Ooh, a doctor. 433 00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:12,292 Dr. Charlie Harper. 434 00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:14,427 Wow, two doctors. 435 00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:16,896 Maybe we should let them examine us. 436 00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:18,165 (both giggle) 437 00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:21,334 In the interest of full disclosure, 438 00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:23,803 I should let you know that I'm new to the dating world 439 00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:27,274 and still have all my original pubic hair. 440 00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:33,780 Oh, Alan, why did I ever let you go? 441 00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:36,316 Well, if I recall, 442 00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:40,119 it was something about me sucking the life out of you. 443 00:18:40,187 --> 00:18:43,089 I was wrong. I was so wrong. 444 00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:47,427 You are a good man and I'm never gonna let you go again. 445 00:18:49,095 --> 00:18:51,764 Never? 446 00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:53,333 Never. 447 00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,035 Never ever? 448 00:18:56,102 --> 00:18:57,504 * Men. 449 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:00,907 * Men. 450 00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:23,596 Morning. 451 00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:26,266 Morning. 452 00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:44,050 What was Herb doing here? 453 00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:46,419 Oh, he, uh... 454 00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:51,758 (rock music blaring) 455 00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:55,328 (music stops playing) 456 00:19:55,395 --> 00:19:58,498 He shaved his pubes and passed out in your room. 457 00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:04,804 You might want to change the blade in your razor. 458 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:08,808 Thank you. 459 00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:12,211 Where were you all night? 460 00:20:12,279 --> 00:20:15,848 I was in Never Ever Land. 461 00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:33,966 Um... 462 00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:36,536 do I want to know? 463 00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:46,913 I took away the staple gun, but he found the superglue. 464 00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:49,282 * Men.