1 00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:06,540 I really appreciate you getting up so early 2 00:00:06,607 --> 00:00:07,708 and driving me to work. 3 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,214 I owe you one. 4 00:00:13,281 --> 00:00:14,615 You owed me one 5 00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:17,651 when I didn't smother you in your crib. 6 00:00:19,387 --> 00:00:21,922 Well, then, I owe you two. 7 00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:24,625 My car will be out of the shop in a couple of days. 8 00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:26,560 There was a terrible knock in the engine. 9 00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:27,661 Like a... like a... 10 00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:28,762 (imitating knocking) 11 00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:31,565 I kept saying, "Come in," but nobody did. 12 00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:33,201 (chuckling) 13 00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:34,702 Ooh, carpool lane-- that's us. 14 00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:35,769 We could... Shut up. 15 00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:37,205 Right. 16 00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:40,274 It's 7:00. 17 00:00:40,341 --> 00:00:42,576 Where are all these damn people going? 18 00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:43,911 I know, right? 19 00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:45,779 I deal with that every day. 20 00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:47,281 Very frustrating. 21 00:00:47,348 --> 00:00:49,317 Sometimes I dream about buying a cabin in the woods 22 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:50,418 and just getting away... 23 00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:52,786 I said shut up. Yes, you did. 24 00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:57,325 The people going that way should just switch jobs 25 00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:58,959 with the people going this way, 26 00:00:59,026 --> 00:01:00,894 and everybody can leave their freaking cars in the garage. 27 00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:02,530 (chuckles) 28 00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:05,065 You know, that's a... that's a hell of an idea. 29 00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:06,300 Right on. 30 00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:07,835 Don't patronize me. 31 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:09,137 Sorry. 32 00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:13,607 Wait a minute. 33 00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:16,277 How are you getting back to Malibu? 34 00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:18,246 Uh, I... I was, uh... 35 00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:19,213 I was hoping... No. 36 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:20,448 Charlie. Take the bus. 37 00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,516 There's no bus from Tarzana to Malibu. 38 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,518 Then, take a series of buses. 39 00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,621 And don't get stuck on having to end up in Malibu. 40 00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:29,857 Charlie, come on. It... 41 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:30,858 it's just for a couple of days. 42 00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:32,260 That's what Mom said 43 00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:34,595 when she brought you home from the hospital. 44 00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:35,663 (chuckling) 45 00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:37,465 Good one. 46 00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,900 (imitating Stan Laurel): You're a very funny man, Ollie. 47 00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:42,170 You certainly are. 48 00:01:45,139 --> 00:01:46,674 It's Laurel and Hardy. 49 00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:47,675 Boy, they used to... 50 00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:49,977 they used to get in some wacky jams, huh? 51 00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:51,212 (laughing) 52 00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:53,714 What about, uh... uh, Abbott and Costello? 53 00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:57,017 (imitating Costello): "Hey, Abbott!" 54 00:01:57,084 --> 00:01:59,387 Or, uh... or, uh, Martin and Lewis? 55 00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:04,192 (imitating Jerry Lewis): "Hey, lady, with the flavin' and the mavin' and the wow." 56 00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:08,596 Three Stooges? 57 00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:10,063 (imitating Curly) "Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck." 58 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:13,434 (laughing) 59 00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:15,068 ALAN: Whoa, what... why are we stopping? 60 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,370 (punches landing) Ow! Ow! Ow! 61 00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:18,639 "Oh, a wise guy"... ow! 62 00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:22,643 Okay, I don't mind 63 00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:24,612 the good-natured brotherly punching, 64 00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:27,548 but you did not have to twist my nipples. 65 00:02:27,615 --> 00:02:29,116 You're lucky I didn't rip them off 66 00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:30,050 and feed them to you. 67 00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:31,652 Um, you know, if you... 68 00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:33,787 if you really have to go to the bathroom, there's, uh... 69 00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:35,356 there's one right down the hallway. 70 00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:36,857 What's wrong with the one in your office? 71 00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:38,158 Uh, it's not really for guests. 72 00:02:38,226 --> 00:02:39,727 Neither is my house. 73 00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:42,863 Um, you know, I think we're out of paper towels. 74 00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:44,398 I'll wipe my hands on you. 75 00:02:44,465 --> 00:02:46,300 Get out of the way. 76 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,304 Morning, Dr. Harper. 77 00:02:50,371 --> 00:02:52,273 Morning, Melissa. 78 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,376 Hello, Melissa. 79 00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,847 You rat bastard. 80 00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:04,552 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 81 00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:07,821 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 82 00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:11,225 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 83 00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:27,207 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 84 00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:31,144 Good to know. 85 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,914 Hi, I'm Charlie, Alan's brother. 86 00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:34,948 Nice to meet you. 87 00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:36,049 Nice to meet you, too. 88 00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:38,552 Thought you had to tinkle. Go away. 89 00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:42,823 So, how long you been working for my baby brother? 90 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,925 About six months. 91 00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:46,694 Wow, he's been keeping you a secret 92 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,429 for six months? 93 00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:51,899 Charlie, can I talk to you for a minute? 94 00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,534 There's no reason to thank me 95 00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:55,202 for the ride again, Alan. 96 00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:57,905 Mi Mercedes, su Mercedes. 97 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:00,941 It's what brothers do 98 00:04:01,008 --> 00:04:04,278 when one is vastly more fortunate than the other. 99 00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:07,648 Seriously, we need to talk. 100 00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:10,751 Excuse us. 101 00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:15,889 Charlie, she is the best receptionist I have ever had. 102 00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:17,958 I'm hoping to say the same. 103 00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:20,528 Come on, Charlie, please do not crap where I work. 104 00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:23,397 Hey, you crap where I live. 105 00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:24,998 So tell me about her. 106 00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,334 There's nothing to tell. 107 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:27,701 She's a... she's a terrific employee. 108 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,136 She does my scheduling, my books. 109 00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:30,571 My patients love her. 110 00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:32,540 She keeps the whole operation running like clockwork, 111 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:36,310 and she does it all for crappy pay and no benefits. 112 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,347 So you're not hitting that? 113 00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:40,948 No, I'm not hitting that. 114 00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:42,583 And even if I were hitting that, 115 00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:44,385 I wouldn't use the phrase, "hitting that." 116 00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:46,754 It's a violent image for a beautiful act. 117 00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:48,622 Yeah, yeah... so the coast is clear? 118 00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:50,057 No, the coast is not clear. 119 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,291 The coast is foggy 120 00:04:51,359 --> 00:04:53,727 and strewn with dangerously pointy rocks. 121 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,830 Can I get either of you a cup of coffee? 122 00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:58,065 Sure. No. 123 00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:00,734 No for both of us. 124 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:01,935 Please leave. 125 00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:03,170 All right. 126 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,372 Bye, Melissa. 127 00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:05,439 Bye, Charlie. 128 00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:06,574 Hope I see you again. 129 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:07,808 Oh, you'll see me tonight 130 00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:09,810 when I come back to pick up your boss. 131 00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:12,312 Oh, oh, no, Charlie, Charlie, 132 00:05:12,380 --> 00:05:14,014 you don't have to make that long drive. 133 00:05:14,081 --> 00:05:15,048 I'll take the bus. 134 00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:16,249 I thought there were no buses. 135 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,852 If I have to, I'll charter one. 136 00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:21,622 Why don't I just give you a ride home? 137 00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:24,758 Oh, that is so sweet of you. 138 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,661 You got a real gem here, Alan. 139 00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:29,763 Tell you what, when you get him home, 140 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:33,634 there will be a cold margarita waiting for you out on my deck. 141 00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:36,336 Which overlooks the ocean. 142 00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:37,938 On the beach. 143 00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:40,508 In Malibu. 144 00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:42,209 That sounds wonderful. 145 00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:43,677 It's really not: it's chilly, damp, 146 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:45,613 and covered with pelican poop. 147 00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:49,983 That's why he'll never win the Malibu slogan contest. 148 00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:51,652 (laughing) 149 00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:53,454 See you tonight, Melissa. 150 00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:54,488 Bye, Charlie. 151 00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:55,623 Have a great day, bro. 152 00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,858 I hate you. I hate you, too. 153 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:02,095 Gee, your brother is really cute. 154 00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:03,697 As a bug. 155 00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:06,366 Bathroom? 156 00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:08,902 Oh, let me give you the key. 157 00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:13,607 Thank you. 158 00:06:13,674 --> 00:06:16,844 You're very welcome. 159 00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:19,513 You are a doll. 160 00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:21,882 You are cute. 161 00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:29,523 She's actually a doll. 162 00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:34,928 I wonder if she's anatomically correct. 163 00:06:37,197 --> 00:06:39,032 * Men. 164 00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:41,902 (Melissa giggling loudly) 165 00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:43,036 Yeah. 166 00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:47,841 Who's the Smurf? 167 00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:53,213 The Smurf is my receptionist. 168 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:56,416 You're letting Charlie hit that? 169 00:06:56,484 --> 00:06:59,019 Okay, look, first of all, that is a very ugly phrase. 170 00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:00,854 And second of all, I'm not letting him. 171 00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,823 I mean, short of drugging him 172 00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:05,125 and dumping him in the woods, what can I do? Yeah. 173 00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:09,029 He is like an Alabama bloodhound once he gets a whiff. 174 00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:11,231 (Melissa giggling) 175 00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:12,800 Now it's just a matter 176 00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,868 of waiting until it blows up in my face. 177 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,737 And after it blows up in my face, 178 00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:20,040 it will then circle around and bite me in the ass. 179 00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:21,441 That's me. 180 00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:24,077 No face, no ass. 181 00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:25,345 Well, that's what you get 182 00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:26,814 when you mix work and personal. 183 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,749 Which is why me and Charlie 184 00:07:28,816 --> 00:07:31,118 have always kept everything strictly professional. 185 00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:36,557 Yeah, yeah, I've often wondered about that. 186 00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:38,125 When I first started to work here, 187 00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:41,194 I laid down the law: looky, no touchy. 188 00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:49,803 Yipes. 189 00:07:49,870 --> 00:07:51,639 All right, I'll make you another, 190 00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:54,007 but you got to promise not to chug this one. 191 00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:55,709 Promise! 192 00:07:57,444 --> 00:07:59,547 What a fun gal. 193 00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,815 Charlie, do you know how hard it is 194 00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,150 to find a decent receptionist? 195 00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:05,686 Well, kudos, bro, you did a great job. 196 00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:09,356 Thank you, and I-I really don't want to lose her. 197 00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:10,824 Why would you lose her? 198 00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:11,825 Oh, gee, I don't know. 199 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,226 Maybe because my brother intends 200 00:08:13,293 --> 00:08:16,029 to defile and discard her like a warm melon. 201 00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:18,165 A warm melon? 202 00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:20,968 Nothing. 203 00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,269 Anyway, my point is 204 00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:24,605 that you're gonna leave her with bad memories 205 00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:26,239 that can only be erased by removing herself 206 00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:29,276 from anything that reminds her of you-- like me. 207 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:32,145 Is that what you're worried about, Bunky? 208 00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:33,714 Yes, that's what I'm worried about. 209 00:08:33,781 --> 00:08:35,148 What did you think I was worried about? 210 00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:36,950 What else would I be worried about? 211 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,085 Well, let's see. 212 00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:40,588 Your receding hairline, your semi-literate son, 213 00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:41,989 your budding man-boobs. 214 00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:44,792 But that's just off the top of my head. 215 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:47,494 Charlie, please, I am begging you. 216 00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:48,829 Look, I understand your concerns, 217 00:08:48,896 --> 00:08:49,863 but it's not like that. 218 00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:51,131 I think Melissa is terrific. 219 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,166 You always think they're terrific. 220 00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:54,167 They're terrific before. 221 00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:55,302 They're terrific during. 222 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:56,604 It's the after when the crying 223 00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:57,705 and the quitting start. 224 00:08:57,771 --> 00:08:59,539 Why is it always about you? 225 00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:01,709 Aren't I entitled to some happiness? 226 00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,912 You've had your share of happiness. 227 00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:06,647 You've had your share of happiness, 228 00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:08,548 my share, everybody's share. 229 00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:12,252 You've sucked the marrow of happiness from the... 230 00:09:12,319 --> 00:09:13,887 bones of... 231 00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:16,123 Oh, just leave her alone, won't you? 232 00:09:17,925 --> 00:09:20,227 Alan, you don't have to worry. 233 00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:22,062 You're thinking about the old Charlie, 234 00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:23,797 the old-hump-'em- and-dump-'em, 235 00:09:23,864 --> 00:09:25,065 one-track-mind Charlie. 236 00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:26,934 Oh, oh, right, uh, the old Charlie 237 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,402 from way back this morning. 238 00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:30,738 I'm serious. 239 00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,773 I honestly want to start building a relationship. 240 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,107 Really? Yeah. 241 00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:36,176 Get to know someone, let her get to know me, 242 00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:38,545 have something in common before we jump into bed. 243 00:09:38,612 --> 00:09:40,280 Wow, I'm impressed. 244 00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:41,548 That I'm growing up? 245 00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:44,184 No, that you can so easily lie to my face. 246 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,186 You'll see. 247 00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,656 It's gonna be different with Melissa. 248 00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:51,591 I'm gonna take my time, form a friendship, 249 00:09:51,659 --> 00:09:54,227 bond emotionally, and then and only then, 250 00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:55,863 take it to the next level. 251 00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:58,265 (box springs squeaking) 252 00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,801 MELISSA: Oh, Charlie! 253 00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:06,506 You schmuck. 254 00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:08,275 * Men. 255 00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:16,283 Morning, Dr. Harper. 256 00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:19,086 Morning. 257 00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,721 I like 258 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:22,990 your jammies. 259 00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:25,492 Thank you, I, uh, I like your... 260 00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:28,061 thank you. 261 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:31,098 Guess you're kind of surprised to see me, huh? 262 00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:32,900 Yeah, shocked. 263 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,167 Well, I hope you know 264 00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:37,204 it is not the kind of thing I usually do-- 265 00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:40,941 you know, hop into bed with a fella zippity-quick. 266 00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:42,509 It's really none of my business. 267 00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:44,644 Well, I don't. 268 00:10:44,712 --> 00:10:47,480 But Charlie is so sweet and special. 269 00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:51,919 Yep, he's a treasure. 270 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,054 Yeah, and this works out well for you. 271 00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:56,056 Really? Uh, how do you figure? 272 00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:58,125 Since your car is still in the shop, 273 00:10:58,191 --> 00:11:01,261 we can carpool to and from work. 274 00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:02,362 I see. 275 00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:04,131 So, so you'll be coming back? 276 00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:05,733 Oh, yeah. 277 00:11:05,799 --> 00:11:09,002 Charlie asked me to stay the weekend. 278 00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:10,738 No kidding. Yeppers. 279 00:11:10,804 --> 00:11:13,673 We really made a connection... 280 00:11:13,741 --> 00:11:15,943 and it is not just physical. 281 00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:19,112 Although the physical part is amazing. 282 00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:22,816 Again, none of my business. 283 00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:25,318 It is like I have known him all my life. 284 00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:26,319 I know the feeling. 285 00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:28,155 You get over it. 286 00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:30,223 Hey, baby. 287 00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:32,192 Hey yourself. 288 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:35,262 Mmm. 289 00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:36,529 Do I smell toast? 290 00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:37,530 You do. 291 00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:38,999 Would you like a slice? 292 00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:40,834 I can put butter and jelly on it. 293 00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:42,669 Oh, déjà vu. (yelps) 294 00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:44,204 Stop it. You're terrible. 295 00:11:44,271 --> 00:11:45,005 Whoo! 296 00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:46,874 (giggles, clears throat) 297 00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:51,144 Sorry, Dr. Harper. 298 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,947 That's okay. I wasn't even listening. 299 00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:56,750 I'm going to take a shower. 300 00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:58,185 Hit the road in about 20 minutes? 301 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:01,154 I thought you were going to call in sick. 302 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,222 Shush. 303 00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:03,556 He's kidding. 304 00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:05,793 It's okay. 20 minutes is fine. 305 00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:07,795 Great. 306 00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:09,797 (sighs) 307 00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:12,966 Alan, you know me as a cynical man, 308 00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:14,902 but in just one night 309 00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:19,206 that little pixie has melted this cold, lonely heart. 310 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,518 You don't say. 311 00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,553 You may not believe me, 312 00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,088 but there is something going on here, 313 00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:38,025 and I really want to thank you for bringing her into my life. 314 00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,527 I may not believe you? 315 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:41,528 You know what? 316 00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,363 Fine. Think what you want. 317 00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:46,133 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go play 318 00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:48,768 "Paul Bunyan takes a shower in Tiny Town." 319 00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:54,541 * Men. 320 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,543 Sorry we're running late. 321 00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,311 That's all right. 322 00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:01,348 Shower lasted a bit longer than I planned. 323 00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:07,020 Yeah, well, uh, that happens. 324 00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:11,358 I got to tell you, I am just crazy about your brother. 325 00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:13,060 Swell. 326 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,395 Hope it works out. 327 00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:18,798 How is a guy like that still single? 328 00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:25,138 Well, he's always been a bit of a butterfly, you know, 329 00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:28,208 fluttering through life, hard to pin down. 330 00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:30,477 And being a fall-down drunk is kind of a speed bump 331 00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:32,179 for some of the ladies. 332 00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:35,248 (laughing): You're such a jokester, Dr. Harper. 333 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:36,216 (chuckles) 334 00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:39,920 Either that or put a gun in my mouth. 335 00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:41,054 Oh, listen, on the way home tonight, 336 00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:42,455 we have to swing by my apartment 337 00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:43,623 so I can get some clothes for the weekend. 338 00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:45,292 Mm-hmm. 339 00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:48,128 And I'm gonna need a little extra time for lunch today. 340 00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:52,232 I want to buy some sexy lingerie... for you know. 341 00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:55,936 I do. 342 00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:58,038 Can I pick you up anything? 343 00:13:58,105 --> 00:14:01,208 Yeah, yeah, um, ear plugs would be nice, 344 00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:05,445 um, and that gun I mentioned. 345 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:06,880 Nothing special. 346 00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:09,749 I'm only going to use it just the once. 347 00:14:09,816 --> 00:14:11,451 (giggling) 348 00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:12,419 Oh. 349 00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:14,387 * Men. 350 00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:17,490 (doorbell rings) 351 00:14:17,557 --> 00:14:18,758 Hi, Jake. 352 00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:21,461 Hey, got to hit the crapper. 353 00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:24,264 You must be Judith. 354 00:14:24,331 --> 00:14:26,033 I'm sorry. Do I know you? 355 00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:28,435 I'm Melissa, Dr. Harper's receptionist. 356 00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:29,836 We talk on the phone all the time. 357 00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:31,138 Oh, right, Melissa. 358 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,439 It's so nice to finally meet you. 359 00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:33,740 Alan! 360 00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:37,444 Oh, oh, hey, hey, hi, uh, hi, Judith, this is Melissa. 361 00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:38,545 Melissa, Judith. 362 00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:39,712 It's not what it looks like. 363 00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:41,281 Charlie's doing her, not me. 364 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,552 And, uh, where is Charlie anyway? 365 00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:46,819 Taking a nap. 366 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,421 He says I drain him. 367 00:14:49,789 --> 00:14:52,192 Isn't that adorable? 368 00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:55,195 Adorable, disturbing, whatever. 369 00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:57,197 Uh, thanks, I've got this. 370 00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:00,567 Your brother and your receptionist? (sighs) 371 00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,369 What do you want from me? Th-The Volvo's in the shop, 372 00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:04,437 he twisted my nipples and peed in my office. 373 00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:05,472 What? 374 00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:06,506 I'm not thrilled about this either, 375 00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:07,374 but what can I do? 376 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,875 You could think about the effect 377 00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:11,178 these shenanigans have on your adolescent son. 378 00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:12,145 Okay, you know what, Judith? 379 00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:13,646 I have enough problems. 380 00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:15,115 If you're not comfortable leaving Jake here 381 00:15:15,182 --> 00:15:16,716 for the weekend, then take him home. 382 00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:19,686 Nice try, Alan. 383 00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:25,425 * Men. 384 00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:30,130 You think Uncle Charlie and Melissa 385 00:15:30,197 --> 00:15:31,398 are coming down for lunch? 386 00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:34,467 I doubt it. 387 00:15:35,335 --> 00:15:36,903 Can I have their chicken? 388 00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:38,205 Knock yourself out. 389 00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:45,345 You know how you always say I can ask you anything? 390 00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:46,413 Yeah? 391 00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:48,481 Is them being together weird for you? 392 00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:49,782 No, no. 393 00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:51,618 Well, you're a better man than I. 394 00:15:54,821 --> 00:15:56,323 How so? 395 00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:57,991 Well, you remember when Uncle Charlie 396 00:15:58,058 --> 00:15:59,426 was hittin' my fifth grade teacher? Okay... 397 00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:03,763 can we please stop calling it "hittin'"? 398 00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:05,165 Well, I got another word, 399 00:16:05,232 --> 00:16:07,700 but I don't think you're going to like it. 400 00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:13,140 Fine, fine, then I, uh, I do remember 401 00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:16,576 when he was... hitting your fifth grade teacher. 402 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:17,877 That kind of bugged me. 403 00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:19,546 Well, I'm, I'm sorry. 404 00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:21,514 I mean, don't you think there should be boundaries? 405 00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:22,682 I do think that. 406 00:16:22,749 --> 00:16:24,351 But I thought you said it's not weird 407 00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:26,053 that he's hittin' your receptionist. 408 00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:28,621 Ah, uh, w... uh, well, pal, um, 409 00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:32,459 the thing is, um, Daddy lied. 410 00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:34,327 Oh, then it is weird for you? 411 00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:36,129 Yes, yes, it is weird for me. 412 00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:38,331 Are you jealous? Uh, no, no. 413 00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:40,533 'Cause I was a little bit jealous about Miss Pasternak. 414 00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:44,504 She had a rockin' bod. 415 00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:47,540 Eat your chicken. 416 00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:52,445 * Men. 417 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:53,713 Melissa? 418 00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:55,448 We, uh, need to get a move on. 419 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,784 A lot of traffic what with the rain and all. 420 00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:59,286 CHARLIE: We need a minute, Alan. 421 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,454 Oh, God. 422 00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:05,292 What can they do in a minute that they didn't do all weekend? 423 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:07,927 MELISSA: You are just a selfish son of a bitch 424 00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:10,497 and you can go right to hell! 425 00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:11,931 (sobbing) 426 00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:13,166 Sorry, Dr. Harper. 427 00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:15,668 I'll be in the car. 428 00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:20,240 Well... 429 00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:22,642 that could have gone better. 430 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,111 I knew it. 431 00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:27,013 I thought it might take longer than 48 hours, but I knew it. 432 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:28,381 Hey, hey, hey. 433 00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:29,882 A little sensitivity would be appreciated. 434 00:17:29,949 --> 00:17:31,451 I'm hurting here. 435 00:17:31,518 --> 00:17:33,886 I'm sure a lot of that is friction burn. 436 00:17:33,953 --> 00:17:36,356 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 437 00:17:36,423 --> 00:17:37,557 Where does that come from? 438 00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:39,426 (scoffing): Where does it come from? 439 00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:40,727 It comes from a long history 440 00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:44,131 of you using my life as a specimen cup. 441 00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:47,800 Excuse me, but you're still talking about the old Charlie. 442 00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:50,069 This Charlie was hoping to have a relationship 443 00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:51,671 of substance and depth. 444 00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:55,375 By locking a stranger in your room and hittin' it 445 00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:56,843 for two days straight? 446 00:17:57,944 --> 00:18:01,648 Okay, mea culpa. 447 00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:03,082 Change is hard. 448 00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:07,053 And now that I'm hearing it, I agree with you. 449 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,422 "Hittin' it" is an ugly term. 450 00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:10,490 Don't change the subject. 451 00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,692 What happened? Nothing. 452 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:15,528 (gargles, spits) 453 00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,930 I just said to her that maybe we should slow things down, 454 00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:19,332 see other people. 455 00:18:19,399 --> 00:18:22,202 Wait, y-y-you said this after the two days? 456 00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:25,138 How could I know beforehand? 457 00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:26,873 I thought you'd be happy. 458 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:29,542 You didn't want me to go out with her in the first place. 459 00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,144 Yes, but it's no longer the first place. 460 00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:32,745 It's the last place. 461 00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:34,647 What can I tell you, Alan? 462 00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,216 I made a mistake. 463 00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:37,517 I rushed to love. 464 00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:41,254 No, no, your mistake was 465 00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:42,889 you rushed to love my receptionist, 466 00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,325 the woman who I depend upon to run my business. 467 00:18:45,392 --> 00:18:46,959 Oh, she's a good kid. 468 00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:48,528 She'll get over it. 469 00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:49,562 (horn honking repeatedly) 470 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,331 You hear that? You hear that? 471 00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:53,166 Does that sound like a woman who's getting over it? 472 00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:56,469 Well, Alan, the wounds are fresh. 473 00:18:56,536 --> 00:18:58,104 You're going to need to be patient. 474 00:18:58,171 --> 00:19:00,006 Why should I have to be patient? 475 00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:02,342 Well, you have to work with her. 476 00:19:02,409 --> 00:19:04,711 (horn honking) 477 00:19:04,777 --> 00:19:06,713 And it sounds like you'd better get going. 478 00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:08,981 Sure you don't want to come back to my office 479 00:19:09,048 --> 00:19:11,584 and hump my fax machine? 480 00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:12,619 Wow. 481 00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:15,054 You still have a fax machine? 482 00:19:15,121 --> 00:19:17,257 You're despicable. 483 00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:18,725 Alan, wait. 484 00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:20,927 What? Let me make it up to you. 485 00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:22,929 How could you possibly make it up to me? 486 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:25,365 Well, I'm guessing she won't be inclined 487 00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:26,966 to bring you back here tonight. 488 00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:30,036 So why don't you take a cab and I'll pay for it? 489 00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:32,305 Thanks. 490 00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:34,541 That makes up for everything. 491 00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:37,844 I'm talking cab, not Town Car. 492 00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:42,982 (sighing): Oh, man. 493 00:19:43,049 --> 00:19:45,452 Break-ups are so hard. 494 00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:49,789 Ow. 495 00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:51,458 Huh. 496 00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:54,160 I do have a little friction burn. 497 00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:56,329 * Men. 498 00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:02,935 That miserable son of a bitch. 499 00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:06,506 Might want to extend your brake zone on the wet roads. 500 00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:09,242 I'm so stupid. No, no, no, no, you are not stupid. 501 00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:10,510 You're, you're a dear, sweet, remarkably bright... 502 00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:12,144 Truck, truck-- watch out for the truck. 503 00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:13,179 Watch out for the truck. 504 00:20:13,246 --> 00:20:16,683 (shrieking) 505 00:20:20,687 --> 00:20:22,322 I want a raise. Sure, sure. 506 00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:23,723 And health insurance. That's a given. 507 00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:24,957 I-I can't believe you don't have it already. 508 00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:26,393 And a paid vacation. 509 00:20:26,459 --> 00:20:27,727 Well, now, hang on a second. There's only so mu... 510 00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:30,697 (shrieking): Two weeks, two weeks, two weeks! 511 00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:33,500 * Men.