1 00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:19,087 What are you doing? 2 00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:21,989 What does it look like I'm doing? 3 00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:24,425 I'd rather not say. 4 00:00:25,793 --> 00:00:27,928 I'm trying to open these cinnamon buns. 5 00:00:27,995 --> 00:00:29,263 Why? 6 00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:31,399 I thought I'd try and do a little baking. 7 00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:33,067 Ah. 8 00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:34,768 You drunk? 9 00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:36,070 A little bit. 10 00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:37,271 Mm. Mm-hmm. 11 00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:41,942 Why is it child-proof? 12 00:00:42,009 --> 00:00:44,612 Are kids o.d.'ing on this stuff? 13 00:00:44,678 --> 00:00:47,014 Have you considered reading the instructions? 14 00:00:47,081 --> 00:00:49,350 Ooh, listen to Mr. College Boy. 15 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:55,123 "To open, strike sharply on edge of counter." 16 00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:56,424 Really? 17 00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:57,425 Really. 18 00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:00,528 All right. I'll play along. 19 00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:06,100 (British accent): I christen thee H.M.S. Kitchen Table. 20 00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:07,701 Godspeed. 21 00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:17,445 I think we got a bad bun tube. 22 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,381 Gimme. 23 00:01:24,218 --> 00:01:26,120 You just gotta know how to whack it. 24 00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:32,426 I bow to your superior expertise. 25 00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:35,963 So, how come you're all spiffed up? 26 00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:37,231 I've got a date. 27 00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:39,200 Oh, two nights in a row. 28 00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:41,469 So, who's the glutton for punishment? 29 00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:43,204 At the risk of tooting my own horn, 30 00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:45,573 I am actually seeing two different women. 31 00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:47,875 Wow, two women. Yeah. 32 00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:50,844 And yet you're still tooting your own horn. 33 00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:54,548 Hey, you know what's fun? 34 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:57,285 When you can talk 'em into tooting each other's horns. 35 00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:59,453 I'm not seeing them at the same time. 36 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,955 Well, that makes it more difficult. 37 00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:03,657 But not impossible. 38 00:02:05,193 --> 00:02:08,529 You put the icing on after it comes out of the oven, right? 39 00:02:08,596 --> 00:02:10,464 Right. Drizzle, don't squeeze. 40 00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:12,600 Thus spake the whacker. 41 00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:20,040 So, what prompted this break from serial monogamy? 42 00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:21,309 I don't know, I'm just tired 43 00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:22,610 of putting all my eggs in one basket. 44 00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:25,313 The basket being a woman? Yes. 45 00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:27,681 And the eggs being your bun tube? 46 00:02:29,417 --> 00:02:31,652 No, see, the thing is, when I'm just dating 47 00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:33,721 one woman at a time, if she dumps me... 48 00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:35,323 When she dumps you. 49 00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:38,226 Either way, I have to start from scratch 50 00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:39,560 finding a new woman. 51 00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:41,329 However, when I'm dating two women, 52 00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:42,430 if one of them dumps me... 53 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,332 When one of them dumps you. 54 00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:47,735 Either way, I'm not alone. 55 00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:49,503 Wait a second. Wait a second. 56 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:50,738 You're saying that it's advantageous 57 00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:53,641 to date more than one woman at a time? 58 00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:58,712 Good Lord, man, you're a genius! 59 00:02:58,779 --> 00:02:59,880 Yeah, ha-ha. 60 00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:02,283 We must tell other men! 61 00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:04,818 Okay, maybe I'm a little late to the party. 62 00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:05,853 A little late? 63 00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:07,855 The girl already jumped out of the cake 64 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,890 and everybody's had a piece. 65 00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:11,459 Well, late or not, I'm here. 66 00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,461 And it turns out when it comes to 40-year-old, 67 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,128 divorced moms in the San Fernando Valley, 68 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,364 I'm quite the catch. 69 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,499 I'm not surprised. You're not? 70 00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:19,667 Lights out at fat camp, 71 00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:22,503 a jelly bean is steak tartar. 72 00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:26,740 Hey, I'm single, employed, disease-free, well-read, 73 00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:28,809 cute as a bug and perfectly capable 74 00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:30,844 of pretending to like other people's children. 75 00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:31,845 Impressive. 76 00:03:31,912 --> 00:03:33,481 Do these broads know that 77 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:36,750 you're dipping your chip in the salsa and the guacamole? 78 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,018 What? 79 00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:41,255 You know, hittin' two pinatas with one stick? 80 00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,658 Toppin' off both tanks with the same hose? 81 00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:48,662 Throwin' your balls down two alleys? 82 00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:51,532 Still don't get it? 83 00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:54,602 No, I got it. And, uh, and thank you. 84 00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:56,236 Um... but no, they don't know. 85 00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:57,671 These are divorced Valley moms 86 00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,740 trolling for a new schmuck to replace the old schmuck. 87 00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:02,643 And you let them think that might be you? 88 00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:04,712 It's not like I have to lie. 89 00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,747 Look at me-- I scream schmuckdom. 90 00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:07,848 They're rising. 91 00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,249 It's a miracle. 92 00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:11,285 Yes, the miracle of yeast. 93 00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:12,920 I gotta go. 94 00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,187 Go, my son. 95 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,489 Drizzle thy frosting 96 00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:19,293 on the divorced sticky buns of the Valley. 97 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,062 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 98 00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:25,633 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 99 00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:28,569 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 100 00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:30,671 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 101 00:04:30,738 --> 00:04:33,040 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 102 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:37,578 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 103 00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:40,448 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 104 00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:48,221 You're a great cook, Uncle Charlie. 105 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:49,256 It's no big deal. 106 00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:50,691 Those chefs on TV act 107 00:04:50,758 --> 00:04:52,426 like they're curing leprosy or something. 108 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:56,630 Can you make meat loaf? 109 00:04:56,697 --> 00:04:58,732 Does it come in a tube? 110 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,304 No-- God-- it comes on a plate. 111 00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:13,681 Can I have some of that? 112 00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:16,183 Beer? No. 113 00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:17,184 Why not? 114 00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:18,486 Because when you're 14, 115 00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:20,053 you don't ask your uncle for beer. 116 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,390 Who do I ask? 117 00:05:23,891 --> 00:05:26,026 I don't know... try hangin' outside a liquor store 118 00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:30,030 and look for a guy wearing house slippers and talking to himself. 119 00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:32,400 What's his name? 120 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:40,340 You can't have any beer, Jake. 121 00:05:40,408 --> 00:05:42,342 Man, I thought you were cool. 122 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,144 I am. And you know what makes me cool? 123 00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:47,014 The fact that your opinion means less than squat to me. 124 00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:52,786 How old were you when you had your first beer? 125 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:55,288 13... two... 32. 126 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,557 Yeah, right. 127 00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:58,392 Listen, we're not talking about me. 128 00:05:58,459 --> 00:05:59,460 We're talking about you. 129 00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:00,461 What about me? 130 00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:02,730 Well, it's like this: 131 00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,732 Alcohol is for people who can afford 132 00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:06,667 to lose a few brain cells. 133 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:10,838 Yeah? So? 134 00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:13,373 I rest my case. 135 00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:20,047 What case? 136 00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:26,153 * Men. 137 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,989 (whistling happily) 138 00:06:30,558 --> 00:06:31,492 Morning, buddy. 139 00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:33,026 How do you like your eggs? 140 00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:34,161 In an Easter basket. 141 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,366 Scrambled it is. 142 00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:40,501 Morning. Morning. 143 00:06:40,568 --> 00:06:41,502 Whatcha doing? 144 00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:42,936 Cooking breakfast. 145 00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,271 How do you like your eggs? 146 00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:45,272 Sunny side up. 147 00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:46,607 Scrambled it is. 148 00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:49,109 Cooking for Dummies. 149 00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:52,480 No offense, Jake. I'm actually cookin' for everybody. 150 00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:57,084 What brought this on? 151 00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:58,852 I Don't know. I... 152 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,821 thought I'd expand my horizons a bit. 153 00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:01,955 Uh-huh. 154 00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:05,058 What? 155 00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:07,194 I'm just trying to figure out how scrambled eggs 156 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,796 are gonna get you laid. 157 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:11,098 You and me both. 158 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:14,502 (phone ringing) 159 00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:15,836 I got it! 160 00:07:17,905 --> 00:07:19,172 Hello? 161 00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:21,108 Oh! Oh, hi, Stephanie. 162 00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:25,378 Yeah, yeah, I, uh, I had a great time, too. 163 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,981 Yes, it-it was special. 164 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:30,484 I-I don't usually do that on a first date either. 165 00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:35,856 Thank you for letting me do that, by the way. 166 00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:40,193 Uh... Uh... Tonight? 167 00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:41,529 Uh... Oh, gee. Hey, Alan! 168 00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:42,563 How do you like your eggs? 169 00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:43,864 Uh, uh, one sec. 170 00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:45,265 Charlie, Stephanie wants to see me tonight, 171 00:07:45,332 --> 00:07:47,367 but I already made a date with Katie. What do I do? 172 00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:49,537 Scrambled it is. 173 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:55,208 Uh, uh, the thing is, uh, I already made plans, 174 00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:58,646 uh, with my, uh, you know, son, who I love dearly. 175 00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:00,247 What are we doing? 176 00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:02,716 Nothing. Go away. 177 00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:04,251 Oh, oh, w-what are we doing? 178 00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:07,621 Uh, uh, well, he and I have this, uh, this father-son thing 179 00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:08,889 uh, where once a week, we... 180 00:08:08,956 --> 00:08:10,090 uh, uh... Rent go-karts. 181 00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,091 Rent go-karts. 182 00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:12,092 And, uh... and, uh... 183 00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,093 Eat pizza. 184 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,427 And eat pizza. And, uh... 185 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,529 And drink beer. 186 00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:16,997 And drink... Go away! 187 00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:21,234 Uh... and, and drink, uh, uh, a lot of water, 188 00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:23,737 which the body needs to, uh, to stay healthy. 189 00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:26,540 Um, anyway, we-we're on for Saturday, right? 190 00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:29,142 Uh, okay, uh, uh, great, great. 191 00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:30,343 Good. I-I'll see you then. 192 00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:32,980 Okay, bye. 193 00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:34,414 We're not going go-karting, are we? 194 00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:36,316 No. 195 00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:39,620 You're using me for your own purposes, aren't you? 196 00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:41,989 Here's $20. 197 00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:44,858 Hey, Alan. 198 00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:45,993 Taste these. 199 00:08:49,396 --> 00:08:51,632 Why does it smell like bourbon? 200 00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:54,835 The book said "season to taste." 201 00:08:57,004 --> 00:08:59,673 Just kidding. I spilled. 202 00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:01,709 N-No, thank you. 203 00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:03,577 Suit yourself. 204 00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:06,346 Hmm... 205 00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:07,781 A little too much egg. 206 00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:12,119 * Men. 207 00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:14,254 Jake, let's go! 208 00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:16,790 I told your mother I'd have you back by 7:00. 209 00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:17,825 Hey, Alan, Alan, Alan. 210 00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,229 Would you taste my hollandaise sauce? 211 00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:24,197 You made hollandaise sauce? 212 00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:25,232 You tell me. 213 00:09:29,536 --> 00:09:31,872 You did not make hollandaise sauce. 214 00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:34,775 Damn you, eggs Benedict. 215 00:09:34,842 --> 00:09:36,576 Charlie, why are you doing this? 216 00:09:36,644 --> 00:09:37,945 Doing what? 217 00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:39,446 In the six years that I have been living here, 218 00:09:39,512 --> 00:09:41,581 the only time I've seen you turn on the stove 219 00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:42,816 was to light a cigar. 220 00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:45,886 Yeah, well, people grow, people change. 221 00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,988 People get drunk while watching the Food Network. 222 00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:49,957 Jake, let's go! 223 00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:51,024 Uh, I may not 224 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:53,260 be back till late-- I'm planning 225 00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:56,296 on giving my rose to bachelorette number two. 226 00:09:56,363 --> 00:10:00,901 Wow. Only you could gay up bangin' two women. 227 00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:07,574 Says the man in the apron 228 00:10:07,641 --> 00:10:08,942 with the curdled hollandaise sauce. 229 00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:11,478 So you admit it is hollandaise sauce? 230 00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:13,947 Mom said you could drop me off at Gabe's house so we can study. 231 00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:15,182 Oh. Are you really gonna study? 232 00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:16,216 Sure. 233 00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,617 Great. 234 00:10:17,685 --> 00:10:20,487 See that? He respects me enough to lie to me. 235 00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:21,488 Hey, Alan. 236 00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:22,756 Speaking of lies-- 237 00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:24,224 at some point, 238 00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,493 one of these broads is gonna ask you a question 239 00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:27,995 for which you will have no ready answer. 240 00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:29,930 Like what? Well, it could be 241 00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:31,598 as simple as: "What did you do last night?" 242 00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:33,166 or as tricky as: 243 00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:36,103 "Why is there a pasty stuck to your testicles?" 244 00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:40,140 The point is, you need to be careful. 245 00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:42,109 So you're gonna teach me how to lie to women? 246 00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,912 Well, do you know enough to pull the pasty off 247 00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,847 and say "Happy Anniversary"? 248 00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:49,883 I do now. 249 00:10:49,950 --> 00:10:52,252 Another thing you need to remember is always answer 250 00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:53,954 a question with another question. 251 00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:55,355 What do you mean? Exactly. 252 00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,392 What? Great, you're all set. 253 00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:02,262 Drunk again? Yep. 254 00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:06,266 Well, thank you. I appreciate the advice. 255 00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,701 I've got more. 256 00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:09,402 Charlie, please don't take this the wrong way, 257 00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:12,039 but if a semi-functioning wino, such as yourself, 258 00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:14,007 can date several women at the same time, 259 00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:16,243 I'm quite certain I can handle two. 260 00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:21,715 Why would I take that the wrong way? 261 00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:28,155 Ugh! Tastes like stale ass. 262 00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:31,725 * Men. 263 00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:36,196 Is it just me or does this thing we have 264 00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:37,664 feel really, really comfortable? 265 00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:38,631 Oh, yeah. 266 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,133 I mean, you know, 267 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,235 maybe not pet-names- for-our-pee-parts comfortable, 268 00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:45,973 but we're certainly getting there. 269 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:49,810 Oh, hey, next week, my ex is taking my daughter 270 00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:51,144 to see his parents, 271 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:54,748 so you and I can spend the whole weekend in bed. 272 00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:56,283 (chuckling) That-that sounds great. 273 00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:59,186 I'll leave myself alone till then. 274 00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:05,725 Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait-- uh, uh, next weekend? 275 00:12:05,793 --> 00:12:08,528 Uh, you know, uh, I'll have to check, 276 00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:13,333 but I-I-I think Saturday is a-a working Saturday for me. 277 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,768 Oh, no. Really? 278 00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,003 Yeah, yeah, it's unfortunate, 279 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,437 but in today's economic climate, 280 00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:20,173 Saturday is no longer the Sabbath for anybody 281 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,942 except perhaps very religious Jewish people. 282 00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:24,778 You know, the guys with the beards and the hats? 283 00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:26,646 Did you see Yentl? I love that movie. 284 00:12:26,713 --> 00:12:28,115 That's one I wouldn't mind owning. 285 00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:32,052 Alan, are you seeing another woman? 286 00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:36,890 Charlie, are you seeing another woman? 287 00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:38,758 Why would you ask me that? 288 00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:41,761 I just need to know I can trust you. 289 00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:44,531 Yeah, well, trust is a two-way street. 290 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,133 I know. 291 00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:47,300 Do you? 292 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:51,504 Because without trust, all we have is sex. 293 00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:55,342 Well, you can trust me, Charlie. 294 00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:57,477 God, I hope so. 295 00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:58,511 I've been hurt before. 296 00:12:58,578 --> 00:13:00,580 Aw... 297 00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:03,516 I won't hurt you. I promise. 298 00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:05,518 Okay, then. 299 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,857 (scoffing): Another woman?! 300 00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:11,291 Yeah. 301 00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:14,227 You think I'm involved with another woman? 302 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,128 Yeah. 303 00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:16,496 You actually think I'm seeing 304 00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:19,099 someone else at the same time I'm seeing you? 305 00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:21,568 Yeah. How did you know? 306 00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:26,006 (phone rings) 307 00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:27,440 Do you need to get that? 308 00:13:27,507 --> 00:13:29,209 Are you crazy? 309 00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:31,344 CHARLIE (on answering machine): Hey, it's Charlie. 310 00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:33,446 Do your thing when you hear the beep. 311 00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:35,048 (beep) 312 00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:37,784 (slurring): Hey, Uncle Charlie, it's me, Jakey. 313 00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:39,920 I'm drunk. How are you? 314 00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:44,524 Are you with a girl? Does she have big ones? 315 00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:46,826 Jake, where are you? 316 00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:50,097 What mall? 317 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:54,201 They all have pretzel stands, you doofus. 318 00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:57,871 Okay, you stay right where you are, 319 00:13:57,938 --> 00:13:59,973 and I'll come get you. 320 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,774 We'll talk about that later. 321 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:04,311 (whispers): They're big enough. 322 00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:09,449 I love you too, buddy. 323 00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:13,486 Yeah, we have shared some good memories. 324 00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:16,723 Okay, I'm hanging up now. 325 00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:19,726 Do you have to go? 326 00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:21,028 No, we got time. 327 00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:23,530 * Men. 328 00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:27,167 (door opens) 329 00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,036 What the heck took you so long? 330 00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:32,872 Believe me, I came as quickly as I could. 331 00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:34,807 What is that? 332 00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,676 It's a pretzel. You want some? 333 00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:37,945 No, thanks. 334 00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:40,280 It's got jalapenos! 335 00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:41,982 Oh, you're gonna regret that. 336 00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:42,983 What do you mean? 337 00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:44,884 You'll see. 338 00:14:44,952 --> 00:14:46,786 Where'd you get the booze, knucklehead? 339 00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:48,388 I did what you told me to do. 340 00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:51,391 Me and Gabe gave money to a creepy guy to buy us beer. 341 00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:52,625 Oh, Jake. 342 00:14:52,692 --> 00:14:54,861 His name was Satellite Jack. 343 00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:57,264 He said the government stole his kidneys. 344 00:14:57,330 --> 00:15:00,433 Is $20 too much for a six-pack? 345 00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:03,203 Not when a guy with no kidneys named Satellite Jack 346 00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:05,005 is buying it for you. 347 00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:06,940 Where'd you get the $20? 348 00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:08,708 It was a bribe from my father. 349 00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:09,642 You're kidding. 350 00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:10,978 I know. 351 00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:12,946 For a cheap guy, he can be surprisingly generous. 352 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:15,115 That's true. 353 00:15:15,182 --> 00:15:19,019 Deep down I love him. 354 00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:21,721 And I love you, too. 355 00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:24,924 Great. Everybody loves everybody. 356 00:15:24,992 --> 00:15:27,060 So, where's your friend? 357 00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:29,696 Gabe? He ditched me when I started throwing up, 358 00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:31,731 the bat rastard. 359 00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:33,700 Get out of the car. What? 360 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:36,303 I just had it detailed-- get out, get out, get out. 361 00:15:36,369 --> 00:15:39,272 All right, but I'm tellin' ya I'm all done throwin' up. 362 00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:41,141 (vomits) 363 00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:44,144 I see what you mean about those jalapenos. 364 00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:48,948 Listen, my mom still thinks I'm studying at Gabe's house, 365 00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:52,185 so I don't think I should go home at this time. 366 00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:54,054 What do you expect to do? 367 00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:57,157 I don't know. You up for an R-rated movie? 368 00:15:57,224 --> 00:15:59,192 Boobies, no violence. 369 00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:03,196 Uh-oh. 370 00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:05,065 Step away from the car. 371 00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:07,567 Nope, false alarm. 372 00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:09,036 Wait for it. 373 00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:10,303 Wait for what? 374 00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:12,572 (vomits) 375 00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,107 Oh, how about that? 376 00:16:14,174 --> 00:16:17,310 You get any on your shoes? 377 00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:21,114 A little. 378 00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:22,515 There's a plastic bag in the trunk. 379 00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:25,118 Remove your shoes and place them in the bag, 380 00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:27,920 then seal it and put it back in the trunk. 381 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,622 Okay. 382 00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:31,458 Then climb in after it. 383 00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:32,525 Okay. 384 00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:39,299 * Men. 385 00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:48,875 Alan? 386 00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:50,243 Surprise. 387 00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:52,279 I thought you were with your son go-karting. 388 00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:56,883 Yeah, listen, um, I lied about that. 389 00:16:56,949 --> 00:16:58,651 But I can't lie anymore. 390 00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:02,522 I was with another woman, but all I could think about was you. 391 00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:07,260 I'm a one-woman man and, baby, you're that woman. 392 00:17:07,327 --> 00:17:09,296 MAN: Who is it, honey? 393 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,030 Just a salesman. (whispers): Go away. 394 00:17:11,098 --> 00:17:13,500 Wait a minute-- are you seeing someone else? Get lost! 395 00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:17,170 (stammering): I-I thought we had something special. 396 00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:18,471 Who's in there?! 397 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:19,706 Are you married? 398 00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:21,141 Because I really thought... 399 00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:45,432 (vomiting) 400 00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:48,268 You know, your body's sending you a message. 401 00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:51,871 Yeah, it's sayin' I really should chew my food more. 402 00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:53,240 Look at that shrimp. 403 00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:55,875 You could wash it off and serve it again. 404 00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:59,946 Your body is also telling you that alcohol is poison. 405 00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:02,415 If it's poison, why do you drink it? 406 00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:05,985 Because there are things inside of me I need to kill. 407 00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:09,589 You can't kill bad feelings with alcohol, Uncle Charlie. 408 00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:11,090 Right. 409 00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:13,660 And you can't stuff your emotions with cupcakes. 410 00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:15,595 Believe me, I've tried. 411 00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:16,929 I'm sure you have. 412 00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:19,932 And if you ever need to talk about any of this stuff, 413 00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:21,768 I'm here for you. (vomits) 414 00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:23,470 Good to know. 415 00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:26,239 Whoa, felt that one in my nuts. 416 00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:30,076 ALAN: Hello? Anybody home? 417 00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:31,478 Are you gonna rat me out? 418 00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:34,681 Jake, buddy, how could you even ask me that? 419 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:47,059 Hey, what's goin' on? 420 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,461 Jake took the 20 bucks you gave him 421 00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:49,729 and got drunk with a friend. 422 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,403 Oh. 423 00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:59,772 Bad boy. 424 00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:10,750 So... 425 00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,819 how 'bout a beer? 426 00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:17,890 * Men. 427 00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:25,698 Never... again. 428 00:19:25,765 --> 00:19:27,267 Me neither. 429 00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:31,271 You know what the problem is? 430 00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:33,172 The women, the drinking... 431 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:36,509 You guys look at me and you think it's easy. 432 00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:38,978 But what you don't see is all the years of hard work 433 00:19:39,045 --> 00:19:41,614 and dedication it took to make me the happy-go-lucky, 434 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,950 drunken, ass-wrangler I am today. 435 00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:46,619 WOMAN: Charlie? 436 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:49,822 Oh, sorry, baby, I had a little family drama. 437 00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:52,525 Remember, you said if I gave you what you want, 438 00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:54,093 you'd give me what I want. 439 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:57,129 Oh, right-- breakfast in bed. 440 00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,566 How do you like your eggs? 441 00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:01,067 Scrambled. 442 00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:03,370 (softly): Yes! 443 00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:10,677 You know, young man, 444 00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:15,682 if I hadn't have been electrocuted earlier this evening, 445 00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:19,919 you and I'd be having a serious talk right now. 446 00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:22,989 Yeah. Hold on. 447 00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:29,296 (vomiting repeatedly) 448 00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:43,310 * Men.