1 00:00:08,409 --> 00:00:11,079 Thanks, Mom. This is a perfect first job. 2 00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:12,580 First job? 3 00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:15,149 I think you're looking at a birth of a career. 4 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,688 I was going to have him put up fliers, 5 00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:22,890 but I didn't trust him with a staple gun. 6 00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:24,225 How much are you paying him? 7 00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:27,095 Obviously, too much. Look at him. 8 00:00:30,598 --> 00:00:34,001 For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine. 9 00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:36,036 Playboy? 10 00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:40,541 Don't worry. I'll Magic-Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos. 11 00:00:40,608 --> 00:00:43,944 Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels. 12 00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:46,114 (ice cream truck playing music) 13 00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:54,788 I should've hired a monkey. 14 00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:59,093 You mean a different monkey. 15 00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:11,405 Well, it's not really a paycheck, 16 00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:13,241 and he's not really earning it 17 00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:15,376 and we don't call him... 18 00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:17,278 I guess I got to give you Jughead. 19 00:01:17,345 --> 00:01:19,012 I remember my first job. 20 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,714 Slaughterhouse. 21 00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:23,451 Strippin' out sheep intestines for the condom companies. 22 00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:30,424 Not as sexy as it sounds. 23 00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:32,493 I was a fluffer in a pet salon. 24 00:01:33,994 --> 00:01:36,330 You know, with a blow dryer. 25 00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:38,632 Huh. I was going a completely different way. 26 00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:43,103 What are you doing? 27 00:01:43,171 --> 00:01:44,472 Thanks to Grandma, 28 00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:47,308 I'm reading an interview with Jimmy Kimmel. 29 00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:49,943 Hey, Alan, you got any cash? 30 00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:51,111 Yeah. Why? 31 00:01:51,179 --> 00:01:52,613 I need to borrow some. 32 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:53,314 What for? 33 00:01:53,381 --> 00:01:54,848 What are you, my mother? 34 00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:57,985 Just give me a few bucks, save me a trip to the ATM. 35 00:01:58,051 --> 00:01:59,687 When will I get it back? 36 00:01:59,753 --> 00:02:01,422 I don't know. Tomorrow. 37 00:02:01,489 --> 00:02:03,657 Okay, how much do you need? 38 00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:04,758 Just a couple hundred. 39 00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:07,495 A couple hundred? 40 00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:09,330 Who carries around that kind of money? 41 00:02:09,397 --> 00:02:10,831 Well, let's see... 42 00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:12,466 Strippers, bookies, prostitutes, 43 00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:15,736 and not entirely coincidentally-- me. 44 00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:20,574 Well, I've only got... 35, 36... $38. 45 00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:21,742 That's it? 46 00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:24,478 That's your walking around money? 47 00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:27,147 It's the perfect amount in case I get mugged. 48 00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:28,516 See, not so little that my attacker 49 00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:29,983 will get angry and try and pistol-whip me, 50 00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:32,453 yet not so much that I would feel obliged to fight for it 51 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,655 and possibly be shot while wrestling for the gun. 52 00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:40,060 So you got $38. 53 00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:41,429 Yep. 54 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,631 Just out of curiosity, how much money would it take 55 00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,666 for you to wrestle a gun from a mugger? 56 00:02:45,733 --> 00:02:48,969 Assuming a small- to medium- sized mugger, at least $40. 57 00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:52,039 Fine, so, give me the $38. 58 00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:53,374 All of it? 59 00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:54,908 Why not? Then I've got nothing. 60 00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:57,845 And you think $38 changes that? 61 00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:00,781 What if I decide to go out and have some fun? 62 00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:03,484 $38 worth of fun? 63 00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:06,920 I wouldn't spend all of it. 64 00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:09,290 Okay, okay, look, you're not going out to have fun. 65 00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:11,792 You never go out to have fun, because you know why? 66 00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:12,926 You're not a fun guy. 67 00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:15,729 Oh, I am very much a fun guy. 68 00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,798 We just have different definitions of fun, 69 00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:19,933 and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections 70 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,602 and dry heaving. 71 00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:25,639 Just give me the money, ya big fruit. 72 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:28,309 $38... 73 00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:31,979 If it had been $40, we'd be wrestling, my friend! 74 00:03:37,485 --> 00:03:39,219 ALAN: Hey, Charlie? 75 00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:47,995 You got my money? 76 00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:53,401 Charlie! 77 00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:54,902 I'm trying to sleep, Alan. 78 00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:57,170 Yeah, well, I've got to go to work and you said 79 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,840 you'd have my money. Oh, for God's sake. 80 00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,909 You don't even have to get up. Just tell me where it is. 81 00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:05,613 Well, the last I saw any of it, it was sandwiched between 82 00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:07,615 two of the loveliest man-made breasts 83 00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:10,884 that ever smacked me in the eye. 84 00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:13,621 Oh, Charlie, you say the sweetest things. 85 00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:15,989 Oh, Ginger, this is my brother Alan. 86 00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:17,090 Alan, Ginger. 87 00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:18,759 Hi. 88 00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:19,827 Hi. 89 00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:21,595 So bottom line, you don't have my money? 90 00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:22,730 No. 91 00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:24,765 The money you promised to pay back today? 92 00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:26,300 The day hasn't even started yet. 93 00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:27,368 It started for me. 94 00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:28,669 That's only because 95 00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:30,604 you're on Douchebag Savings Time. 96 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,474 Can we please talk about this 97 00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:35,543 when one of us doesn't have a warm, firm buttock 98 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,645 nestled against his groin? 99 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,313 Oh, dear Lord. 100 00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:40,881 So you'll get it by tonight? 101 00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,651 I'm hopin' to get it as soon as you close the door. 102 00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:49,222 Are you really out of cash? 103 00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:52,025 Don't worry. I've got hooker money. 104 00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:03,504 (plays piano): * When you're hungry at school 105 00:05:03,571 --> 00:05:05,339 * You need to know 106 00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:08,609 * Paste yes, boogers no. 107 00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:14,448 Hey. 108 00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:16,584 How was your day, darling? 109 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,619 Fine, except I had to pay for lunch 110 00:05:18,686 --> 00:05:20,854 with my lucky Sacagawea dollar. 111 00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:23,591 What kind of lunch can you get for a dollar? 112 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,759 Two gas station hot dogs that were a year old 113 00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:28,228 if they were a day, thank you very much. 114 00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:30,698 Is Sacagawea the same Indian chick 115 00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:32,165 that's on the Land O'Lakes butter? 116 00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:35,102 I don't know. 117 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,437 I hope so. 118 00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:39,773 I'd like to believe it is. 119 00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:44,077 Okay, Charlie, I'm leaving. 120 00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:45,879 Hang on. Let me pay you. 121 00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:50,751 Here you go. 122 00:05:50,818 --> 00:05:53,521 Did you forget I paid for that pizza the other night? 123 00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:55,856 Oh, right. How much was that? 124 00:05:55,923 --> 00:06:01,094 Well, you got the garlic balls too, so, say... 75 bucks. 125 00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:03,931 You got change for a hundred? 126 00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:04,765 Nope. 127 00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:06,734 Okay, you'll pay me back. 128 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,402 Count on it. 129 00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:14,107 Wait, wait, wait, as long as you're doling it out, 130 00:06:14,174 --> 00:06:15,409 you got my 40 bucks? 131 00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:17,445 Oh, sure. You got change for a hundred? 132 00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:19,379 Nope. Okay, I'll catch you later. 133 00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:21,081 Wait... 134 00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:24,051 How come Berta can pay you back and I can't? 135 00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:25,419 Oh, grow up. 136 00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:27,054 She's not gonna pay me back. 137 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:28,922 Okay, then, what about me? 138 00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:29,923 What about you? 139 00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:31,358 I want my $40. 140 00:06:31,425 --> 00:06:33,661 I only borrowed $38. 141 00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:36,497 Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember. 142 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,131 Oh, you like round numbers, do you? 143 00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,967 Yes, I like round numbers. 144 00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:42,069 Okay, here's a round number for you. 145 00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,136 Zero. 146 00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:46,907 Nice, tight circular shape. 147 00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:48,308 Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. 148 00:06:48,375 --> 00:06:49,477 Sound familiar, Alan? 149 00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:52,379 Are you calling me anal? 150 00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:55,616 That's right. A-L-A-N, anal. 151 00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:57,317 Okay, okay, okay. 152 00:06:57,384 --> 00:06:59,620 So, so bottom line, 153 00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:02,222 you're not gonna pay me back. Is that correct? 154 00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:03,857 Well, truth be told, 155 00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:07,194 I was gonna pay you back, but your attitude irks me. 156 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,496 I irk you? 157 00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:11,031 That's right. I find you irksome. 158 00:07:12,399 --> 00:07:15,435 You're a big, fat irk. 159 00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:19,239 Hey, hey, you borrow $38, you owe me $38. 160 00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:20,908 Yeah, well, you've been living 161 00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:23,076 in my Malibu beach house for six years. 162 00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,245 You owe me $1 million. 163 00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:27,014 A million dollars?! 164 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:31,051 That's a one followed by six tight little sphincters. 165 00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:40,994 (panting) 166 00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:45,833 Wow. You look tired. 167 00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:48,569 Yesterday, I had a quarter tank of gas. 168 00:07:48,636 --> 00:07:51,338 Today, I drive a mile into Topanga Canyon 169 00:07:51,404 --> 00:07:52,105 and bang, empty. 170 00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:53,340 Huh. 171 00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:54,908 There's no cell coverage up there, 172 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,444 so I had to hump all the way back down to the beach 173 00:07:57,511 --> 00:07:58,478 to call Triple-A. 174 00:07:58,546 --> 00:07:59,613 Oh, that's a shame. 175 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:00,981 Shame, my ass. How the hell 176 00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:03,116 did a quarter tank of gas disappear overnight? 177 00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:05,218 It's a mystery. 178 00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:07,921 (sniffs) 179 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,257 Wait a minute... 180 00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:13,193 I smell gasoline. 181 00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:14,094 Really? 182 00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,228 (sniffs) 183 00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:16,396 I... I don't smell anything. 184 00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:18,799 (sniffs) 185 00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:30,177 You have gas on your breath. 186 00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:31,311 You siphoned my tank. 187 00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:33,113 Oh, please. 188 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:36,383 You think I stuck a rubber hose down your gas tank, 189 00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:39,553 sucked on it until the gas ran out of your tank and into mine 190 00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:41,955 thereby compensating me for the $38 you owe me? 191 00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:46,426 That's preposterous. 192 00:08:46,493 --> 00:08:48,195 Yeah... 193 00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:49,730 Yeah, you're right. 194 00:08:49,797 --> 00:08:52,265 What was I thinking? 195 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,142 What are you doing? 196 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:04,945 Do me a favor. Say... 197 00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:08,015 "preposterous" again. 198 00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:10,718 You're crazy! 199 00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:13,253 Get that away from me! 200 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:14,487 Oh, come on. 201 00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,189 Come on. 202 00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:19,760 Just for grins say, "Help me. My head's on fire." 203 00:09:19,827 --> 00:09:20,928 All right, all right, all right, 204 00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:22,429 I sucked the gas out of your car! 205 00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:23,664 Now turn it off! 206 00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:29,302 Okay, fine. Well played. 207 00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:30,503 You got your money back. 208 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:33,206 Um... actually... 209 00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:36,109 at 473.9 cents a gallon, 210 00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:40,648 you had only $13.22 worth in your tank, 211 00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:42,850 so you still owe me $24.78. 212 00:09:49,489 --> 00:09:50,658 Get out. 213 00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:51,825 What? 214 00:09:51,892 --> 00:09:53,627 Get out of my house. 215 00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:55,696 You know what? I just might. 216 00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:58,231 No, no, no, "might" implies you have a choice. 217 00:09:58,298 --> 00:10:01,534 Oh, so you're going to throw me out over $24.78? 218 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,136 No, I'm throwing you out 219 00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:05,338 because you're a cheap, gas-sucking, flammable irk! 220 00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:08,175 I am not cheap. 221 00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:10,911 Leaving. 222 00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:18,686 Ow, ow, ow! 223 00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:24,391 These things just happen. 224 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,393 I don't know. They seem to happen to you a lot. 225 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:27,828 (knocking) 226 00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:29,629 Oh, hey, guys. 227 00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:30,898 What are you doing here? 228 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:33,066 Dad pissed off Uncle Charlie again. 229 00:10:34,902 --> 00:10:37,570 Sorry to show up unannounced like this. 230 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:38,839 No problem. 231 00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:40,207 It's always good to see you. 232 00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:41,842 JUDITH: He got kicked out again?! 233 00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:44,511 Damn it, Alan. What'd you do now? 234 00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:46,213 I didn't do anything. 235 00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:48,982 But I'm not going to be staying at Charlie's anymore, 236 00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:50,984 so I thought I should bring Jake's stuff back here 237 00:10:51,051 --> 00:10:52,820 until I find a place of my own. 238 00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:53,954 Fine. Good luck. 239 00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:55,756 But it's nobody's fault. 240 00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:58,325 I just think it's time for me to move on. 241 00:10:58,391 --> 00:10:59,960 Okay. Good night. 242 00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:02,129 But FYI: Charlie's a thief, a liar 243 00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:03,964 and I suspect something of a firebug. 244 00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:07,167 Really? Hmm, he struck me as a straight shooter. 245 00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:09,136 Little loosey-goosey with the liquor and the ladies, 246 00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:12,139 but all in all, a good fella. 247 00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:15,909 In what universe is Charlie Harper a good fella? 248 00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:19,379 Well, I certainly don't know him as well as you do, 249 00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:22,783 so I'll just shut my piehole. 250 00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:26,053 Uh, anyway, here's the rest of Jake's stuff. 251 00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:28,621 I'll get you my new address 252 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:29,689 as soon as I have one. 253 00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:30,991 You do that. 254 00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:33,060 So, where are you gonna stay till then? 255 00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:34,561 Piehole, Herb. 256 00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:35,829 Oh, I don't know. 257 00:11:35,896 --> 00:11:37,965 Things are a little tight right now, 258 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,967 so a hotel isn't really an option. 259 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:43,303 Maybe the Y for a couple of days, you know, 260 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:44,504 but we'll see. 261 00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:49,642 I could sleep in my office or... in the car. 262 00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,444 Oh, well, you can't do that. 263 00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:52,780 Piehole, piehole, piehole! 264 00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:53,881 Come on, Judith, you can't expect 265 00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:55,515 a man to sleep in his car. 266 00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:58,852 You're good people. Just let me just get a few things. 267 00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:00,420 I'm sure it'll be fine. 268 00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:02,923 He's not the kind of guy who'll overstay his welcome. 269 00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:05,959 He's been at his brother's for six years. 270 00:12:06,026 --> 00:12:07,194 Uh, Herb, would you mind 271 00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:10,330 giving me a hand with the NordicTrack? 272 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,331 Oh, sure. 273 00:12:13,801 --> 00:12:16,169 Love you. 274 00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:21,208 (doorbell rings) 275 00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:22,742 Hey, Charlie. 276 00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:24,044 Oh, hey, Herb, what's up? 277 00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:25,745 I came to pick up some stuff for Alan. 278 00:12:25,813 --> 00:12:27,114 For Alan? 279 00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,715 Yeah, he's staying with Judith and I 280 00:12:28,782 --> 00:12:30,050 till he gets back on his feet. 281 00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:32,685 Gee, Herb, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, 282 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,655 but I've been waiting six years for that khaki-wearing weasel 283 00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:37,057 to get on his feet. 284 00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:38,591 Judith mentioned that... 285 00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:40,360 using a lot of the same words, interestingly enough. 286 00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,963 Anyway, he wanted to avoid having a scene with you, 287 00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:45,398 so he asked if I'd pick up some of his stuff. 288 00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:46,366 And you agreed? 289 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,969 I had to get out of there, Charlie. 290 00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:50,537 Okay, okay, fine. 291 00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:51,571 What do you need? 292 00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:52,639 Quite a few things, actually. 293 00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:54,241 He gave me a list. 294 00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:56,409 Well, let him stay in there long enough, 295 00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:58,445 he'll give you a bleeding ulcer. 296 00:12:58,511 --> 00:13:00,147 Yeah, Judith said that, too. 297 00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:04,952 Anyway, uh, melatonin, a mouth guard. 298 00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:06,353 I guess he grinds his teeth at night. 299 00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:08,956 I myself have restless legs syndrome. 300 00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:10,157 But just the left leg. 301 00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:11,791 Right leg sleeps like a baby. 302 00:13:11,859 --> 00:13:13,260 What else, Herb? 303 00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:16,196 Well, I also got apnea and I tend to drool a lot. 304 00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:19,732 The list, Herb. 305 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,334 Oh, yeah, yeah. 306 00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:24,104 Let's see, shower cap, loofa mitt 307 00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:25,772 and some kind of little stool 308 00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:28,341 that elevates his feet while he's sitting on the toilet. 309 00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:29,042 What? 310 00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:30,410 Yeah, apparently when 311 00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:32,079 the morning coffee doesn't do the job, 312 00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,147 having his feet up gives him that extra leverage 313 00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:35,983 for a successful bowel movement. 314 00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:38,218 You're kidding? 315 00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:39,652 No. Look. 316 00:13:39,719 --> 00:13:42,055 "For a successful BM." 317 00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:44,057 That would mean "bowel movement." 318 00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:48,261 Okay, fine. Guest bedroom's right down there. 319 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,296 Oh. 320 00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:50,330 Hey, I just made 321 00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:52,065 a pitcher of margaritas. You want one? 322 00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:53,967 Oh, gee, I'll have to pass. 323 00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:55,668 Judith's waiting for me to get back, 324 00:13:55,735 --> 00:13:56,970 and she gets really steamed... 325 00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:58,105 Salt or no salt? 326 00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,707 Salt. Okay. You got it. 327 00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:03,410 (TV show playing) 328 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,616 This is so weird. 329 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,251 It's just for a couple days, Jake. 330 00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:12,819 Don't make a federal case. 331 00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:16,023 You know this is probably gonna affect my schoolwork. 332 00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:19,126 How? It's not like your grades could get any lower. 333 00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,428 That's good, Alan. Undermine his self-esteem. 334 00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:24,097 You see what I have to live with on weekends? 335 00:14:24,164 --> 00:14:27,467 Nobody's talking to you. 336 00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:30,603 Where's he gonna sleep? 337 00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:32,505 I'm not a "he." I'm your father. 338 00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:36,443 How'd you get to be my father if you're not a "he"? 339 00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:39,112 Go make up the couch. 340 00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:41,381 What about the guest room? 341 00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:42,882 That's not a guest room anymore. 342 00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:43,917 It's Herb's train room. 343 00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:45,185 His what? 344 00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:47,520 He's a model train aficionado. 345 00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:50,190 Aficionado? 346 00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:52,225 He works hard. He deserves a hobby. 347 00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:55,628 Sometimes he lets me wear the hat. 348 00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,264 I begged you for years 349 00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:59,299 to let me turn that into a game room. 350 00:14:59,366 --> 00:15:01,868 Bumper pool, ping-pong, something. 351 00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:03,170 Oh, this is different. How? 352 00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,338 Herb can play with his trains alone. 353 00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:09,276 I'm sure he does plenty of stuff in there alone. 354 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:10,910 Excuse me? 355 00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:12,779 Nothing. 356 00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:14,514 (quietly): I got it. 357 00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:24,657 This is so beautiful. 358 00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:25,993 Yep. 359 00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:28,428 Can I confess something, Charlie? 360 00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:29,729 What's that? 361 00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:33,166 I sometimes wonder about the road not taken. 362 00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:34,667 Which road is that? 363 00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:36,836 Your road, Charlie. 364 00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:40,440 Oh. It's a good road, Herb. 365 00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:43,476 So it's not a matter of the grass always seems greener? 366 00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:47,314 No, no. No, the grass is pretty frickin' green over here. 367 00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:50,617 Damn! 368 00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:53,987 (ringtones playing) 369 00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:55,455 Oops. It's me. 370 00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:57,524 I hope so. 371 00:15:57,590 --> 00:16:00,693 It's the road taken. 372 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,062 You're not gonna answer it? 373 00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:05,132 Nah. Judith will just harsh my mellow. 374 00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:07,667 Yeah, she's a mellow-harsher. 375 00:16:07,734 --> 00:16:08,901 But I love her. 376 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,437 That's nice. 377 00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:14,907 You know, in the boudoir, we're very simpatico. 378 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,776 Glad to hear it. 379 00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:18,278 On top of everything else, 380 00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:22,482 she actually let me put my train set in her back room. 381 00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,154 Whoo-whoo. 382 00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:39,532 (moans) 383 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:48,108 Damn cran-apple juice. 384 00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:53,546 I should start wearing a diaper. 385 00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:08,128 (urinating) 386 00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:13,533 (breaks wind) 387 00:17:15,835 --> 00:17:18,271 (urinating continues) 388 00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:26,012 (intermittent urinating) 389 00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:27,514 (toilet flushes) 390 00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:46,566 It's about time you got home. 391 00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:49,169 Mm... 392 00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:52,739 Is that an apology I'm feeling? 393 00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:55,742 Mm... 394 00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:05,152 Oopsy. 395 00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:07,587 (pounding) 396 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,290 Where's my husband? 397 00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:11,724 Sleeping on the deck. 398 00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:13,493 What? Why? 399 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:14,427 He's drunk. 400 00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:16,296 Herb's not a drinker. 401 00:18:16,363 --> 00:18:18,398 No argument there. 402 00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:20,233 All right, here's how it's gonna go: 403 00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:21,601 I am taking him home with me 404 00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:23,736 and you're taking back your brother. 405 00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:26,539 How 'bout this? 406 00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:31,344 You and Alan patch things up and I keep Stretch out there. 407 00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:33,346 I'm kinda fond of the big lug. 408 00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:35,815 Charlie, I'm in no mood. 409 00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:37,484 Not what I heard. 410 00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:38,017 What? 411 00:18:38,084 --> 00:18:40,653 Whoo-whoo! 412 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,723 I don't have time for this. Alan, get in here! 413 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:44,524 No! 414 00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:46,693 Do not make me come get you! 415 00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:50,530 Now... 416 00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:52,832 apologize to your brother. 417 00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:56,336 Do it! 418 00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,974 I'm sorry I made such a big deal out of everything. 419 00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:03,176 And? 420 00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:07,947 (sighs) And you can keep the $24.78. 421 00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:09,582 This was all about $24? 422 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,751 Plus he tried to set me on fire! 423 00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:14,187 After you sucked my gas! 424 00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:17,757 Hey, baby, when did you arrive on the scene? 425 00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:19,592 Just get in the car. 426 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,828 (whispering): Look, poop stool. 427 00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:24,931 Um... I'm gonna need that. 428 00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:29,969 You can pop a blood vessel if you push too hard. 429 00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:32,705 Words to live by. 430 00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:34,507 Herb, car! 431 00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:35,975 Bye, Charlie. Bye, Herb. 432 00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:37,444 Bye, all. Bye, Herb. 433 00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,546 This was fun. Let's do it again. 434 00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:41,548 Now! 435 00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:47,487 Kinda like old times, huh? 436 00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:50,790 Judith kicking me out and you taking me in. 437 00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:56,128 You are taking me in, aren't you? 438 00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,130 Give me one good reason why I should. 439 00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:01,434 Uh, well... 440 00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:02,902 we're... we're family... 441 00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:04,737 um... brothers. 442 00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:08,575 We share blood and, and, and history. 443 00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:11,911 We have a bond that unites us forever. 444 00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:14,947 Nah. What else you got? 445 00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,350 Okay. Uh... 446 00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:18,918 what about my French toast? 447 00:20:18,985 --> 00:20:19,852 You like that. 448 00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:21,153 You know, 449 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:26,225 thick and fluffy with cinnamon and powdered sugar. 450 00:20:26,293 --> 00:20:28,027 Mm...! 451 00:20:28,094 --> 00:20:30,630 All right, you can stay. 452 00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:31,598 Really? 453 00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:32,699 No. 454 00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:37,570 (flustered chuckle): Ha-ha! 455 00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:39,506 Very funny. 456 00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:41,841 Charlie? 457 00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:43,310 (keys jingle) 458 00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:47,414 (thudding at door) 459 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,383 You changed the locks? 460 00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:53,152 I was only gone for six hours! 461 00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:55,355 Charlie?! 462 00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:57,924 (thunder rumbles) 463 00:21:01,294 --> 00:21:03,029 Oh, crap. 464 00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:10,870 Here you go. Black, two sugars. 465 00:21:10,937 --> 00:21:12,104 Double glazed. 466 00:21:12,171 --> 00:21:13,806 Thank you. 467 00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:16,108 No, thank you. 468 00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:18,110 I can't believe Grandma fired me. 469 00:21:18,177 --> 00:21:21,348 Well, the labor market's very competitive these days. 470 00:21:21,414 --> 00:21:22,682 There's always somebody brighter and better 471 00:21:22,749 --> 00:22:01,020 and willing to work for less.