1 00:00:05,906 --> 00:00:07,108 Look at him. 2 00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:08,676 He can type 80 words a minute with his thumb, 3 00:00:08,742 --> 00:00:10,744 but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain. 4 00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:16,184 Fortunately, typing is a job skill and peeing is not. 5 00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:20,354 Oh, dude, WTH? 6 00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,358 Oh, geez. 7 00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:25,493 What? 8 00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:27,695 That woman over there. We used to go out. 9 00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:32,766 Did it not end well? 10 00:00:32,833 --> 00:00:34,802 It went fine for me. 11 00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:37,438 Although, in retrospect, 12 00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:39,307 I guess I could have handled our parting 13 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,709 with a little more tact and sensitivity 14 00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:44,378 and a little less, you know, banging her best friend. 15 00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:45,879 Oh, God! 16 00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:48,482 Hey, hey, her friend was a double-jointed sex freak 17 00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:50,751 with daddy issues-- what was I supposed to do? 18 00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:53,521 You're right. Your hands were tied. 19 00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:55,423 That, too. 20 00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:57,358 So, how long ago was this? 21 00:00:57,425 --> 00:01:00,628 Her or the friend? 'Cause there was a brief overlap. 22 00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:02,196 Let's go with her. 23 00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:04,232 I don't know. Eight, nine years. 24 00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:06,367 So maybe she's over it. 25 00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:16,810 Or maybe not. 26 00:01:16,877 --> 00:01:19,780 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 27 00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:22,950 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 28 00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:26,254 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 29 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,156 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 30 00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:30,724 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 31 00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:33,994 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 32 00:01:34,061 --> 00:01:37,865 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 33 00:01:44,205 --> 00:01:45,573 You count to ten, then scream like a girl 34 00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:47,875 and start giving Jake the Heimlich maneuver. 35 00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,777 Don't be ridiculous. 36 00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:51,412 Charlie? 37 00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:52,613 Hi. 38 00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:56,517 Okay, but if she reaches into her purse, 39 00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:58,319 I'm using numbnuts as a human shield. 40 00:01:58,386 --> 00:02:02,022 Hey, Chrissy. Long time. 41 00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:03,491 I know. 42 00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:04,792 Yep, long, 43 00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:08,028 long time. Yeah. 44 00:02:08,095 --> 00:02:09,763 Time is a great healer, isn't it? 45 00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:11,265 Of some things. 46 00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:14,034 Hey, congratulations on your new career. 47 00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:15,303 Thank you. 48 00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:17,271 It's hard to believe Charlie Harper 49 00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:19,273 is a children's singing star. 50 00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:21,742 Well, you know how much I love kid... 51 00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:24,312 Yep, a long, long time. 52 00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:28,816 Looks like your little guy enjoys music. 53 00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:30,384 Oh, yeah, he loves it. 54 00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:32,220 He's actually quite the piano player, too. 55 00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:34,422 Piano? You hear that, Charlie? 56 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:37,291 The young man plays piano just like you. 57 00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:39,460 Lots of kids play piano. 58 00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:41,229 So, you still living in Westwood? 59 00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:42,696 Yeah. Still there. 60 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,298 We just drove down to spend the day at the beach. 61 00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:45,933 Oh, sure. The beach. 62 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,167 Nice place to visit, 63 00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:48,669 but you wouldn't want to live there. 64 00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:50,538 Actually, I do live there; it's not that bad. 65 00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:53,040 Right. Well, we should get going. 66 00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:54,308 It was nice seeing you. 67 00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,444 Nice to see you, too. Come on, Chuck. 68 00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:03,784 "Chuck." 69 00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:05,353 I heard it. 70 00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:07,120 Lots of kids named Chuck. 71 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:10,358 It's a nickname for Charles, isn't it? 72 00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:12,360 So are Chaz, Chad, Chick and Charlie. What's your point? 73 00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:14,828 No point. It's just that you haven't seen that woman 74 00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:18,198 in nine years, and little Chuck is, uh... 75 00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:20,534 Well, how old do you suppose little Chuck is? 76 00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:22,303 What difference does it make? 77 00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:26,206 Well, I'd say little Chuck is, uh... 78 00:03:26,274 --> 00:03:29,076 seven or eight years old, 79 00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:31,211 give or take nine months. 80 00:03:31,279 --> 00:03:33,347 What are you implying? 'Cause I don't know 81 00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:35,449 what you're talking about. You don't? 82 00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:36,884 Okay, I choose not to. 83 00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:38,118 JAKE: Oh, crap! 84 00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:39,353 Dad, quick, we gotta go home! 85 00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:41,355 Why, what's wrong? My battery died. 86 00:03:42,122 --> 00:03:43,257 Oh, no, wait. 87 00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:46,226 I just turned it off by accident. 88 00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:48,496 This wouldn't happen if I had a smartphone. 89 00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:51,765 Do I even need to say it? 90 00:03:54,302 --> 00:03:55,703 So is it just me 91 00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:57,671 or did that kid kind of look like Uncle Charlie? 92 00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:03,611 * Men. 93 00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:07,481 Hey. Hey. 94 00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:12,286 * And the cat's in the cradle * 95 00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:14,888 * And the silver spoon 96 00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:18,292 * Little boy blue and the man on the moon * 97 00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:20,260 Shut up, Alan. 98 00:04:20,328 --> 00:04:21,495 * When you coming home, Dad? * 99 00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:23,464 * I don't know when... 100 00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,367 It's not funny. 101 00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:28,369 Well, maybe not funny ha-ha, 102 00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:31,171 but certainly funny hee-hee. 103 00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:33,741 That boy was nothing like me. 104 00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:35,543 Well, he didn't have ear hair and whiskey breath, 105 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,277 but I'm guessing he'll grow into that. 106 00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:39,012 What's going on? 107 00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:42,049 Well, it would appear that the ol' spermonator here... 108 00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,385 ...has fathered a child. 109 00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:45,486 I did not. 110 00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:46,687 How can you be so sure? 111 00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:48,389 'Cause I never play in the rain 112 00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:51,925 without a slicker and galoshes. 113 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,394 I'm confused. 114 00:04:53,461 --> 00:04:54,695 Where do the galoshes go? 115 00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:58,065 It's just a figure of speech. 116 00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,233 Everything that needs to be covered is covered 117 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:03,236 when, you know, covering is appropriate. 118 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,538 I didn't ask for your life story. 119 00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:06,540 I was just confused about the galoshes. 120 00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:08,376 You know, Charlie, 121 00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:10,811 even condoms are only 98% effective. 122 00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:11,945 That's not true. 123 00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:12,913 The hell it isn't. 124 00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:15,616 Haven't you ever read the package? 125 00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:17,250 Who reads the package? 126 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,486 It's not like a cereal box. 127 00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:21,355 You don't read it while you're eating. 128 00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:25,158 Yikes. 129 00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:26,460 Come on, Charlie, do the math. 130 00:05:26,527 --> 00:05:27,561 You haven't seen the woman in nine years 131 00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:28,596 and she's got an eight-year-old. 132 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:29,730 So what? 133 00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:31,499 You showed up at my door with a ten-year-old 134 00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:33,000 and I hadn't seen you in 11 years. 135 00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:36,537 Does that mean taterhead is our love child? 136 00:05:36,604 --> 00:05:38,639 All right, fine, stay in denial. 137 00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:40,173 There's no way little Chuck is your son. 138 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,409 "Chuck"? 139 00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:43,944 Hey, hey, lots of kids are named Chuck, 140 00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:46,614 play the piano and look disturbingly like me. 141 00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:50,350 He's right. 142 00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:51,785 In fact, I'm surprised 143 00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,987 we're not up to our asses in 'em. 144 00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:57,357 * Men. 145 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:04,297 Hey, Russell? I'm busy. 146 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,966 I've got a question about these condoms. 147 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,367 I told you, Charlie, 148 00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:10,438 I'm giving you the best bulk rate I can. 149 00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:12,272 I know, but that's not what I was... 150 00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:14,875 There's just no way I can compete with the big chain stores. 151 00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:16,243 I understand. 152 00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:17,645 So I make it up in personal service. 153 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,547 I'm sure you do. I mean, I'm not going 154 00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:22,015 to unroll the damn things and put 'em on for you, 155 00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:24,251 but short of that, I've got your back. 156 00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:26,720 And I appreciate it. 157 00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:28,355 But that's not what I was asking about. 158 00:06:28,422 --> 00:06:30,023 Charlie, times are tough. 159 00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:31,959 People don't get their drugs from their friendly 160 00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:33,427 neighborhood pharmacist anymore. 161 00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:35,195 They go on the Internet. 162 00:06:35,262 --> 00:06:36,096 I know. 163 00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:37,431 Sure, trust your mailman 164 00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:40,333 with your heart medicine and stool softeners. 165 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,003 Russell, have you been hittin' the free samples again? 166 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,806 What are you, a cop? 167 00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:48,208 No, I'm just a little concerned about you. 168 00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:50,944 Well, if you're so concerned, help me out a little bit. 169 00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:53,380 Why don't you buy some reading glasses 170 00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:54,648 or a neck brace once in a while. 171 00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:55,883 Sure, whatever. 172 00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:58,051 A bag of Skittles for God's sake. 173 00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:01,589 You know, 'cause my margin on condoms is bubkes. 174 00:07:03,356 --> 00:07:05,559 Yeah, well, speaking of condoms, 175 00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:08,361 I just want to know if somebody could get pregnant 176 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:09,963 even if you were wearing a condom. 177 00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:12,165 Have you been talking to the Wetzel's Pretzels lady? 178 00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:15,803 Because I just gave her a ride home, that's it. 179 00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,905 No, no, no, no, I mean in general. 180 00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:19,607 What are the odds that a condom wouldn't work? 181 00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:22,976 Well, there are a number of things to factor in. 182 00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:27,948 Oh, cough syrup? 183 00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:29,449 I don't have a cough. 184 00:07:29,517 --> 00:07:31,051 Neither do I. 185 00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:35,789 Anyway, condoms. 186 00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:38,191 Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product, 187 00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:40,293 there's always going to be flaws in the process. 188 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:42,963 Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out? 189 00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:44,231 Or in? 190 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:47,400 Well, sure, but they don't test every one. 191 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,435 They don't? 192 00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:49,603 Masturbating's looking 193 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,772 better and better, huh? 194 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,410 Okay, okay, so bottom line, what you're saying is 195 00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,846 even if I'm wearing a condom, 196 00:07:58,912 --> 00:08:00,781 there's a chance I could get someone pregnant? 197 00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:06,520 Did you miss eighth grade health class, Charlie? 198 00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,355 Oh, come on, who went to health class? 199 00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:09,623 Well, amongst others, 200 00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:11,725 a certain self-medicating pharmacist 201 00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:13,794 who pays alimony to three different women, 202 00:08:13,861 --> 00:08:17,197 but not one penny in child support. 203 00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:20,901 All right, all right, for future reference, 204 00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,936 what about lambskin? Are they more effective? 205 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:26,306 Well, um, less so than your latex product. 206 00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:29,409 Now I had to stop wearing them myself because something 207 00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:32,445 about the smell made my cat go berserk. 208 00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:34,414 It kind of a cute story. 209 00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:36,016 I don't... I don't want to hear it. 210 00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:38,318 Not a cat person, huh? 211 00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:40,654 I'm not either anymore. 212 00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:45,058 All right, well, thanks, Russell. I'll see ya. 213 00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,359 Th-Th-That's it? 214 00:08:46,426 --> 00:08:47,861 You're not going to buy anything? 215 00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:49,329 We've got Wiffle ball bats. 216 00:08:49,396 --> 00:08:52,800 Maybe your little bastard would like a Wiffle ball bat. 217 00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:56,604 Childproof. 218 00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:58,872 * Men. 219 00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,078 Hey. Hey. 220 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,315 You all right? 221 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,283 No, I am not. 222 00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:11,785 What's going on? 223 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:15,756 Alan, I have always conducted my sex life 224 00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:18,191 according to three simple principles. 225 00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:21,294 One: if at all possible, ladies first. 226 00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:27,067 Two: it's easier to be forgiven than ask permission. 227 00:09:28,969 --> 00:09:31,571 And third, and most important: 228 00:09:31,639 --> 00:09:33,741 the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom 229 00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,475 beats the hell out of the ten years 230 00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:37,811 you have to pretend to like soccer. 231 00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:40,380 Except when they don't work. 232 00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:43,751 Stupid tiny disclaimer on the side of the box. 233 00:09:45,052 --> 00:09:46,754 They should put it in big letters 234 00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:48,956 right on the reservoir tip. 235 00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:51,558 "Do you feel lucky, dumb ass?" 236 00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,560 Yeah, that'd do it. 237 00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:55,162 So, what's your next move? 238 00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:59,332 Well, you'd think if Chrissy had my child 239 00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:02,269 and decided not to tell me, I'd just send her a little card. 240 00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:04,337 You know, "Thanks for being a good sport" or something. 241 00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:08,141 I'm not sure Hallmark has a deadbeat dad section. 242 00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:09,242 It doesn't matter. 243 00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:11,945 For some reason, I want to know the truth. 244 00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:14,147 If I have a kid, I need to know about it. 245 00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:15,348 Of course you do. 246 00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:18,819 Being a father is the greatest joy there is. 247 00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:20,721 Hey, Dad, where's the plunger? 248 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:23,190 Uh, laundry room. 249 00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:24,858 Thanks, I over-wiped. 250 00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:31,164 No such thing, my son. 251 00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:32,399 Where was I? 252 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,234 The joys of fatherhood. 253 00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,903 Right. 254 00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:40,340 What? There was a time when he didn't wipe at all. 255 00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:44,544 Hey, I'm gonna need a mop, too. 256 00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:46,179 Excuse me. 257 00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:47,781 Father/son moment. 258 00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:03,430 * People, let me tell you about my best friend * 259 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,665 * He's a warmhearted person 260 00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:08,135 * Who'd love me till the end 261 00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:11,772 * People, let me tell you about my best friend * 262 00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:14,174 * He's one boy cuddly toy 263 00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:16,476 * My up, my down, my pride and joy * 264 00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:19,913 * People, let me tell you about him, he's so much fun * 265 00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:22,149 * Whether we're talking man-to-man * 266 00:11:22,215 --> 00:11:23,951 * Or whether we're talking son-to-son * 267 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:27,620 * 'Cause he's my best friend 268 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,758 * Yeah, he's my best friend... 269 00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:32,960 (humming) 270 00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:41,735 (scatting) 271 00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:49,576 (record scratching, music stops) 272 00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:50,911 ALL: Daddy's home! 273 00:11:50,978 --> 00:11:55,749 (excited chattering) 274 00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:00,420 ALAN: Hurry! Hurry! 275 00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:07,327 * Men. 276 00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:11,799 Hey, Jake? 277 00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:13,767 Don't worry. It's all cleaned up. 278 00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:15,368 Not why I'm here. 279 00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:17,437 You can hardly smell it at all anymore. 280 00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:19,572 Don't kid yourself. 281 00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:21,775 Although I may owe you a toilet. 282 00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:24,711 I'll put it on your tab. 283 00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:26,546 Now, I want to ask you a question. 284 00:12:26,613 --> 00:12:29,716 Crumb cake, a frappuccino and a burrito supreme. 285 00:12:29,783 --> 00:12:31,084 That's not the question. 286 00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:32,820 Oh, yeah, and a tangerine. 287 00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:34,387 That's what killed me. 288 00:12:34,454 --> 00:12:37,024 Are you done? 289 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:40,060 I hope so, 'cause the toilet won't flush anymore. 290 00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:43,897 What-What I wanted to ask you is 291 00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:46,566 do you think I've been a good role model? 292 00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:47,467 Are you kidding? 293 00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:48,969 You drink, you gamble, 294 00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:50,971 you have different women here practically every night. 295 00:12:51,038 --> 00:12:53,874 You're the best role model a guy could want. 296 00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:55,408 You think so? 297 00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:57,945 Yeah, they should put your face on money. 298 00:12:58,846 --> 00:13:00,280 Well, thanks, buddy. 299 00:13:00,347 --> 00:13:01,882 I appreciate it. 300 00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:04,017 Oh, hey, one more question. 301 00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:05,886 How would you feel about having a cousin? 302 00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:07,320 I've got a cousin. 303 00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:08,721 I mean, another cousin. 304 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,690 What do I need another cousin for? 305 00:13:10,757 --> 00:13:12,993 Forget it. 306 00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:16,196 What I need is a smartphone and a new toilet. 307 00:13:17,764 --> 00:13:19,900 (scoffs): Cousin. 308 00:13:22,769 --> 00:13:24,905 * Men. 309 00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:41,188 Charlie. 310 00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:42,055 Hi. 311 00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:43,323 What are you doing here? 312 00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:45,158 Well, I was in the neighborhood. 313 00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:47,660 I thought I'd stop by and say hello 314 00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:50,630 and bring you this. 315 00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:52,499 A Wiffle ball bat. 316 00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:53,967 That's for Chuck. 317 00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:55,969 I got you an eyeglass repair kit 318 00:13:56,036 --> 00:13:58,205 and some malted milk balls. 319 00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,473 Thanks. 320 00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:02,609 I know it's not much of a gift, but the guy 321 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,945 that usually sells roses at the freeway on-ramp, 322 00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:06,279 well, he switched to oranges, 323 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,915 and I didn't know if you liked oranges. 324 00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:09,883 So anyway, is Chuck my kid? 325 00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:12,485 What difference does it make? 326 00:14:12,552 --> 00:14:13,320 Well, it makes all the difference in the world. 327 00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:13,987 How? 328 00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:15,288 Well, for starters, 329 00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,057 I'm gonna write a scathing letter 330 00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:19,226 to a certain manufacturer of latex products. 331 00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:23,330 But more importantly, 332 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:25,565 if I'm his dad, he should know. 333 00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:26,866 He's already got a dad. 334 00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:28,768 Oh, really? Yes. 335 00:14:28,835 --> 00:14:30,470 We may not live together anymore 336 00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,539 and he may not have your kind of money, 337 00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:34,141 but he's a good dad, 338 00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,176 and he loves Chuck very much. 339 00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:38,578 So you're just raising him on your own? 340 00:14:38,645 --> 00:14:40,747 Charlie, you don't have to worry about him. 341 00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:42,182 He's gotten along just fine without you 342 00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:44,051 for the last eight years and so have I. 343 00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:46,253 But wait, Chrissy! 344 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:50,323 I didn't know! 345 00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:58,631 Boy, you miss one health class. 346 00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:02,469 * Men. 347 00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:04,337 So, Jake, 348 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,773 how do you like high school? 349 00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:08,541 I'm in eight grade. 350 00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:10,710 I see. 351 00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:13,313 When do you start high school? 352 00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:14,347 Hard to say. 353 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,716 Eighth grade is really kicking my ass. 354 00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:17,684 Jake, language. 355 00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:20,687 Yeah, language, math, 356 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,990 science, history, phys ed. 357 00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:24,857 I understand, dear. 358 00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:27,260 I can't even find my locker. 359 00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:29,762 All right, I talked to her. 360 00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:31,431 You owe me five bucks. 361 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:39,006 He's a good wiper, and I love him. 362 00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:40,807 Hey, Alan, 363 00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:43,043 I just spoke... aw, geez. 364 00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:45,945 Good to see you, too, dear. 365 00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:47,480 What's going on, Mom? 366 00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:49,216 Nothing. 367 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,218 I merely stop in to see my two sons 368 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,353 and my one and only grandchild. 369 00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:54,687 Well, it's... 370 00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:56,189 (groans) 371 00:15:57,224 --> 00:15:59,892 So, Mom, you're looking good. 372 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:03,830 Did you have something snipped or tucked or sucked? 373 00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:05,665 Just eyes and tush. 374 00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:07,500 But nice of you to notice. 375 00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:10,703 Hey, Charlie, did you ever find out if that kid is yours? 376 00:16:14,907 --> 00:16:16,676 Thanks a lot, Berta. 377 00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:19,079 Oh, dear, have I spoken out of turn? 378 00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:24,917 Kid? 379 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,587 Yeah, well, it-it-it turns out 380 00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:30,990 that there are flaws in every manufacturing process 381 00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:33,726 and that includes your everyday latex products. 382 00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:34,994 I see. 383 00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:36,929 And how far along is the young lady? 384 00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,166 Oh, about eight years. 385 00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:43,103 Eight years and she's just suing you now? 386 00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:45,772 She's not suing me. 387 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,840 She doesn't want to have anything to do with me. 388 00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,276 Lucky you. 389 00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:51,178 If I were her, I'd have owned half this house 390 00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:53,280 before the pee stick dried. 391 00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,382 Yeah, real lucky. 392 00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:56,849 I got an eight-year-old son 393 00:16:56,916 --> 00:16:58,618 and I'll never get to spend any time with him. 394 00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:01,721 Oh, sweetheart, look, take it from me. 395 00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:06,093 Spending time with one's children is greatly overrated. 396 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,696 Oh, come on, face facts. 397 00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:12,499 Some people are meant to be parents and some people aren't. 398 00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:13,866 And you have a perfect example of that 399 00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:15,001 sitting right in front of you. 400 00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:17,637 You certainly do. 401 00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:21,641 Yeah, well, I think I'd be a great dad. 402 00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:25,612 Well, easy for you to say now that you've dodged the bullet. 403 00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:28,047 You're right, 404 00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:31,118 talk is cheap. 405 00:17:33,019 --> 00:17:34,287 Remind me to speak to him 406 00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:35,922 about putting this house in my name 407 00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:38,658 so it can never fall into the hands of some money-hungry, 408 00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:39,792 manipulative bitch. 409 00:17:40,927 --> 00:17:43,130 That isn't related to him. 410 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,835 * Men. 411 00:17:53,973 --> 00:17:55,808 What do you want now, Charlie? 412 00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:57,277 Look, I can see 413 00:17:57,344 --> 00:17:59,446 why you might not think of me as father material. 414 00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:01,214 And clearly you've done a great job 415 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:03,116 raising Chuck on your own. 416 00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:05,084 I'd just like, if you'd let me, 417 00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:07,187 to help out a little bit. 418 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,290 Oh. 419 00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:12,325 This is more than a little bit. 420 00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:14,461 Hey, eight years is a long time. 421 00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:16,629 What do you want out of this? 422 00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:18,898 I just want to know that he's taken care of. 423 00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:21,568 And I plan on sending you a check every month. 424 00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:23,870 I-I don't know what to say. 425 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:25,872 You don't have to worry about me interfering. 426 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:28,775 Although, there's a couple of things you should know 427 00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:29,909 for when he gets older. 428 00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:31,711 Like what? 429 00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:35,582 Well, you're gonna want to lock the liquor cabinet... 430 00:18:37,083 --> 00:18:38,651 But don't forget that mouthwash 431 00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:41,521 can also pack a pretty good buzz. 432 00:18:41,588 --> 00:18:45,392 So be on guard for suspiciously minty breath. 433 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:48,761 Oh, and if his school nurse is at all attractive, 434 00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:52,131 you can expect the occasional hernia. 435 00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:54,634 Thanks for the heads up. 436 00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:55,902 You're welcome. 437 00:18:57,937 --> 00:18:59,739 So, uh,... 438 00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:02,842 Good luck. 439 00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:06,145 You're gonna need it. 440 00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:23,463 Oh, hey. 441 00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:26,533 Jeremy, your mom's here. 442 00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:30,169 Hey, Mom. Hi, honey. 443 00:19:30,237 --> 00:19:31,671 Hey, where'd you get that shirt? 444 00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:33,840 Oh, I got it for him. I hope that's okay. 445 00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:35,342 I love it. 446 00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:38,311 He looks like a little ladies' man. 447 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:40,980 So, uh, is this time next week okay for you? 448 00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:42,482 Actually, 449 00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:45,051 I think my babysitting days are behind me. 450 00:19:45,117 --> 00:19:47,254 Ciao. 451 00:19:49,155 --> 00:19:50,690 * Men. 452 00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:55,262 Thank you. You'll see. 453 00:19:55,328 --> 00:19:57,029 It's a great feeling knowing you're... 454 00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:59,098 you're taking care of your own kid. 455 00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:00,800 Oh, hey, Mr. Harper. 456 00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:02,635 Hey, Clive, how's it going? Great. 457 00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:05,104 All right, Mrs. Melnick, that should hold you for a while. 458 00:20:05,171 --> 00:20:07,206 Hey, dude. Hey, dude. 459 00:20:09,108 --> 00:20:11,177 Thanks, Clive, you're the best. 460 00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:13,045 Come on in, honey. 461 00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:15,448 Thanks, Alan. Bye, buddy. 462 00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:17,116 Who was that guy? 463 00:20:17,183 --> 00:20:18,418 Oh, that's Clive, the exterminator. 464 00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:19,719 He's been coming here forever. 465 00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:21,488 Huh. Hey, Alan, 466 00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:23,690 Mm-hmm. has it ever occurred to you... 467 00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:25,925 Hey, Mr. Harper. 468 00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:27,527 Hey, Craig. 469 00:20:31,298 --> 00:20:33,165 Has what ever occurred to me? 470 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:35,234 Nothing. 471 00:20:35,302 --> 00:20:36,403 Hey, Mr. H. 472 00:20:36,469 --> 00:20:48,981 Long time no see.