1 00:00:03,571 --> 00:00:05,839 Not a problem, Charlie. 2 00:00:05,906 --> 00:00:07,941 So, what's the big emergency? 3 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:09,843 Why does it have to be an emergency? 4 00:00:09,910 --> 00:00:11,412 Maybe I just wanted to check in. 5 00:00:11,479 --> 00:00:13,781 Well, you left six messages on my service. 6 00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,883 Oh, that was just a liquored-up fella 7 00:00:15,949 --> 00:00:17,451 hitting the speed dial. 8 00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:19,420 All right, I've got five minutes before my next patient, 9 00:00:19,487 --> 00:00:21,389 so why don't you just give me the headlines? 10 00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:23,357 All right, I'm seeing a woman. 11 00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:24,858 Well, that's not a headline, Charlie. 12 00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:26,294 That's the name of the paper. 13 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,229 I know, I know, but... but she's different 14 00:00:28,296 --> 00:00:30,631 from the type of woman I usually go out with. 15 00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:31,865 Yeah, different how? 16 00:00:31,932 --> 00:00:34,102 Well, she's a little older. 17 00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:35,569 You really couldn't go younger 18 00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:39,107 without having to register with the authorities. 19 00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:42,943 I mean, she's older than me. 20 00:00:43,010 --> 00:00:45,179 Oh, we have our headline. 21 00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:47,381 And I'm confused because... 22 00:00:47,448 --> 00:00:49,417 I have really strong feelings towards her. 23 00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:50,684 Do you find her attractive? 24 00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:51,719 Yeah, she's gorgeous. 25 00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:52,720 How's the sex? 26 00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:54,021 We haven't had sex yet. 27 00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:57,491 Hold the presses. We have a new headline. 28 00:00:57,558 --> 00:01:00,294 Do I have to pay extra for the sarcasm? 29 00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:02,530 No, it's a flat rate. 30 00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:05,533 The thing is, we get along great. 31 00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:07,368 She's warm, nurturing, supportive, 32 00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:09,203 and I feel really safe with her. 33 00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:12,005 Well, let's see: you're involved with an older woman 34 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:14,142 who's warm, nurturing, and supportive. 35 00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:17,245 You feel very safe with her and you haven't had sex. 36 00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:20,781 Now, what male-female relationship 37 00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:23,351 does that suggest? 38 00:01:25,052 --> 00:01:26,520 Uh, hmm... 39 00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:29,690 I feel like I should know this one. 40 00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:31,692 Take your time. 41 00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:37,131 Older, nurturing, warm... 42 00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:39,500 Mrs. Butterworth? 43 00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:43,704 Charlie, this woman you're seeing is a mother figure. 44 00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,139 A mother figure? 45 00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:48,476 I said she's warm, nurturing, and supportive. 46 00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:53,147 The words "toxic she-devil" did not pass my lips. 47 00:01:53,214 --> 00:01:56,049 My point is, because your real mother 48 00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,718 didn't give you what you need emotionally, 49 00:01:57,785 --> 00:02:00,321 you're responding to it in this relationship. 50 00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:03,591 No, no, no, no, no, this is not a mother thing. 51 00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:06,760 Now, my brother Alan-- he's the needy one. 52 00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:09,297 He practically wants to sit in this woman's lap 53 00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:12,132 and breastfeed, and not in the fun way. 54 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:14,302 So Alan's met her? 55 00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:17,070 Yeah, and he's clinging to her like a tree monkey, 56 00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:18,606 which is really pissing me off. 57 00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:20,541 So you're competing with your brother 58 00:02:20,608 --> 00:02:24,645 for the attention of an older, nurturing woman? 59 00:02:24,712 --> 00:02:28,148 Boy, you're just a one-string banjo, aren't you? 60 00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:29,683 What do you want me to tell you, Charlie? 61 00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:31,419 I can only play the notes in front of me. 62 00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,521 I want you to cut through all the psychobabble 63 00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:34,988 and tell me why I'm so confused. 64 00:02:35,055 --> 00:02:36,490 I just did. 65 00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:37,891 You're gonna stick with the mother thing, huh? 66 00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:40,661 Plink, plink, plink. 67 00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:43,664 Look, Charlie, I've got my next patient waiting. 68 00:02:43,731 --> 00:02:45,366 If you like, we can make a weekly appointment 69 00:02:45,433 --> 00:02:46,867 and really explore these issues. 70 00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:49,770 In fact, twice a week might not be overdoing it. 71 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:52,906 No, thanks, I prefer to deal with my demons as they escape. 72 00:02:52,973 --> 00:02:54,808 All right. 73 00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,377 So what do I owe you? 74 00:02:56,444 --> 00:02:59,313 Well, I get $200 an hour. You were here for five minutes. 75 00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:01,949 So why don't we just round it off and say $200. 76 00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:05,118 (sighs) Man. 77 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,821 Even hookers prorate. 78 00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:11,625 Hookers don't have to listen to you, Charlie. Good-bye. 79 00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:18,232 Good-bye, doc. Good session. 80 00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:27,808 Hi, come on in. 81 00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:30,978 Thanks for seeing me last-minute. 82 00:03:33,781 --> 00:03:37,685 I think I'm in love with my brother's girlfriend. 83 00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:40,721 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 84 00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:43,424 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 85 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,199 Hi. 86 00:03:52,266 --> 00:03:55,369 Hi, yourself. 87 00:03:55,436 --> 00:03:57,638 Oh, don't you look handsome. 88 00:03:57,705 --> 00:03:59,273 Nah. 89 00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,509 Yes, you do. 90 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,844 And that shirt looks great on you. 91 00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,446 You think? 92 00:04:05,513 --> 00:04:07,415 Oh, yes, very grown-up. 93 00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:09,116 Well, you bought it for me. 94 00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:11,819 But you should tuck it in, sweetie. 95 00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:14,555 I don't wanna. 96 00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:16,256 Please. 97 00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:18,759 Oh, all right. 98 00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:20,160 Are you ready to go? 99 00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:22,363 I just need a minute. Come on in. 100 00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:25,333 You remember my son, Jeremy. 101 00:04:25,399 --> 00:04:26,434 Oh, sure. 102 00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:27,601 Oh, hey, man, how's it going? 103 00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:29,670 Hi, good. Good to see you. 104 00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:31,639 And this is his fiancee, Tricia. 105 00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:39,647 Hi, Tricia. 106 00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:40,748 Charlie. 107 00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:43,351 Hi, Charlie. 108 00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:45,453 Nice to meet you. 109 00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:47,187 Mom's helping us plan our wedding. 110 00:04:47,254 --> 00:04:48,922 Really? You're getting married? 111 00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:50,558 Lucky guy. 112 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:53,661 Not that I'd know. I'm... I'm just assuming. 113 00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:55,496 I'm just gonna get my purse. 114 00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:58,599 Hurry back-- hop, hop, hop. 115 00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:02,336 So, you're getting married. 116 00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:03,571 Taking the plunge. Yeah. 117 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:06,073 I've never stuck a toe in myself. 118 00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:09,710 Actually, I've never stuck anything in. 119 00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:14,848 But anyway, it's a... it's a big step. 120 00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:15,949 Not for me. 121 00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:17,385 Tricia's the love of my life. 122 00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:20,488 I can't believe nobody snapped her up before I did. 123 00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:23,657 Well, maybe she was just waiting for the right snapper. 124 00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:28,061 I mean, the past isn't nearly as important 125 00:05:28,128 --> 00:05:30,664 as the future you two are gonna build together, am I right? 126 00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:34,702 Absolutely, the past doesn't matter. 127 00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:36,704 That's what I'm thinking. 128 00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:39,540 Okay, let's go. 129 00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:41,642 Okay, nice seeing you again. Nice meeting you. Bye. 130 00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:44,211 Isn't she terrific? I am so happy he... 131 00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:47,080 Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's a catch. Let's go. 132 00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:52,052 (salsa music playing) 133 00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:54,354 Why aren't you studying for your algebra final? 134 00:05:54,422 --> 00:05:55,689 I don't have to. 135 00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:59,159 You don't have to study algebra? 136 00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:02,329 Nope, all I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course, 137 00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:06,467 and then it's adios, seventh grade, arrivederci, eighth. 138 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:12,673 Okay, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list. 139 00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:14,675 But let's get back to the algebra test. 140 00:06:14,742 --> 00:06:17,845 So... so you're planning on getting a 67? 141 00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:20,881 Yep, anything above that would be a wasted effort. 142 00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:24,918 Okay, we have to talk. (music stops) 143 00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:27,688 Hey, the blind, one-armed dancer is about to go on. 144 00:06:27,755 --> 00:06:29,256 This is more important. 145 00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:31,158 Last week, she fell twice. 146 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,927 Listen to me. You know what you call someone 147 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:36,930 who just skates through life doing only the bare minimum? 148 00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:39,433 Uncle Charlie? 149 00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,737 You call him a slacker. 150 00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:45,005 Whatev. 151 00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:48,509 "Whatev"? Are you now so lazy 152 00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:50,678 you can't even be bothered to finish words? 153 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,646 What's your prob? 154 00:06:52,713 --> 00:06:55,015 Won't you be happy if I just get into eighth grade? 155 00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:57,751 I mean, isn't that the whole point of seventh? 156 00:06:57,818 --> 00:07:00,654 No, that is not the whole point of seventh. 157 00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:03,356 And yes, I'll be thrilled if you're not left back. 158 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:06,126 So relax, it's all good. 159 00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:08,562 Don't you mean it's all "guh"? 160 00:07:08,629 --> 00:07:10,230 (salsa music playing) 161 00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:13,467 Holy crap, her arm flew off. 162 00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:18,906 That's gotta cost them points. 163 00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:22,943 Yeah, two adults for The Wings of Love. 164 00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:24,878 No, wait, I... I get a senior discount. 165 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,815 No, you don't. Full price, both of us. 166 00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:29,416 Charlie, you're being silly. 167 00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:32,219 For two bucks, let me be silly. 168 00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:35,789 Charlie. 169 00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:37,591 Oh, perfect. 170 00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:38,859 We're at the same theater. 171 00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:40,861 What a happy coincidence. 172 00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:43,597 Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln. 173 00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:45,332 Angie, this is my mother, Evelyn. 174 00:07:45,398 --> 00:07:46,967 Mom, this is Angie. 175 00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:48,836 Nice to meet you, Evelyn. I've heard a lot about you. 176 00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:51,104 Oh, well, there's two sides to every story, 177 00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:54,007 and Charlie's memory isn't the best. 178 00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:55,308 You know... 179 00:07:55,375 --> 00:07:57,310 Well, considering how you raised me, 180 00:07:57,377 --> 00:07:58,712 it was either... 181 00:07:58,779 --> 00:08:01,314 or... 182 00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:03,216 Charlie, don't be so sensitive. 183 00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:05,953 Have you met his brother? Another drama queen. 184 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,922 Okay, Mom, always great bumping into you. 185 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,323 Maybe next time you'll be standing 186 00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:12,192 in front of a wood chipper. 187 00:08:12,259 --> 00:08:15,195 Enjoy the movie. Bye. 188 00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:16,797 Hey, Charlie. 189 00:08:16,864 --> 00:08:18,999 Oh, swell, there's more. 190 00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:21,068 I'll meet you inside. 191 00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:23,470 Yes? 192 00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:25,939 Be careful. That woman is a cougar. 193 00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:27,007 A what? 194 00:08:27,074 --> 00:08:29,810 An older woman who preys on young men. 195 00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:31,912 It's... that's not what this is about. 196 00:08:31,979 --> 00:08:34,948 Right, she likes you for your brains. 197 00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:38,151 And I love you for your warmth. 198 00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:40,287 Nice yanking chains with you, Mom. 199 00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:44,524 Now, what did I do to deserve that? 200 00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:48,161 Here are your keys, Evelyn. 201 00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:49,362 Thanks, Justin. 202 00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:52,633 So, what movie should we see? 203 00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:55,002 Oh, you pick, darling. 204 00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:58,171 You're the one who'll be facing the screen. 205 00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:02,810 * Men. 206 00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:08,215 Okay, um, "x" is... -4? 207 00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:11,685 Great! You're right! 208 00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:13,520 See, see, you can do this. 209 00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:16,389 Now, now, on the test, you're gonna have to show your work, 210 00:09:16,456 --> 00:09:17,958 so let's see your work. 211 00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:20,260 There's no work. 212 00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:22,262 Why is there no work? 213 00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:23,931 I don't need to do the work. 214 00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:25,633 Suddenly, I can see all the numbers in my head. 215 00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:28,268 Really? 216 00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:29,703 Yeah, it's amazing. 217 00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:30,871 And they all make perfect sense. 218 00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:32,105 It's like the equations 219 00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:33,874 are solving themselves before my eyes. 220 00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:35,508 Oh, my God, you know, I... 221 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:40,413 I've read about that kind of thing, but... my own son? 222 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,250 Nah, I'm just screwing with you. 223 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,356 The answers are in the back of the book. 224 00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:53,961 Good night. 225 00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:56,363 You should've seen your face when you thought I was smart. 226 00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:03,103 Am I supposed to go to bed now? 227 00:10:05,639 --> 00:10:07,775 Dad? 228 00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:10,610 I still love him. I still love him. 229 00:10:10,678 --> 00:10:12,445 I still love him. 230 00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:14,682 I... (laughing) 231 00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:17,617 (laughing) 232 00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:23,590 You're only punishing yourself. Let it go. 233 00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:24,925 Easy for you to say. 234 00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:26,259 Your mom wasn't four rows behind you 235 00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,328 in a movie theater dry-humping a Cub Scout. 236 00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:34,167 Oh, hey, I, uh... 237 00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:36,036 I didn't hear you guys come in. 238 00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:37,404 Uh, how'd you like Wings of Love? 239 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:38,906 Oh, it was terrific. 240 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,240 Oh, you know, I thought you'd enjoy the movie. 241 00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:41,675 You know, it's the same cinematographer 242 00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:42,843 as Like Water for Chocolate. 243 00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:44,611 Yeah, swell, would you like some wine? 244 00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:47,981 I'd love some. Here's ten bucks. Go get yourself a bottle. 245 00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:52,052 Gee, thanks, but I can't go out now. 246 00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:54,888 I, uh... I just put my little boy to bed. 247 00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:56,757 You got a little boy? 248 00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:58,892 Aren't you afraid Jake will eat him? 249 00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:01,862 How do you like being a father, Alan? 250 00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:04,131 Oh, well, you know, I'd-I'd have to say 251 00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:05,665 that it's wonderfully rewarding 252 00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:07,267 and-and more than a little challenging. 253 00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:09,569 Jake's kind of a diamond in the rough. 254 00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:12,272 Jake's kind of a turd in the punchbowl. 255 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,808 Charlie, thatis no way to talk about a child. 256 00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:16,243 He's not a child. 257 00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:19,312 He's a postpubescent tapeworm with a bad haircut. 258 00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:20,647 Charlie! 259 00:11:20,714 --> 00:11:23,450 Was your divorce very hard on him? 260 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,818 You have no idea. 261 00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:27,054 I'll tell you who his divorce was hard on: me. 262 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,321 Oh, stop playing the martyr. 263 00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:30,323 Stop living in my house. Here we go. 264 00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:32,760 You keep saying that, but you never go. 265 00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:36,129 I think I'll just go powder my nose. 266 00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:40,433 You see what you did? You drove her away. 267 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,002 Oh, I drove her away? I'm not the one 268 00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:43,503 with the insults and the poop talk. 269 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:46,774 Poop talk? You called my son a turd in a punchbowl. 270 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,943 I said it with love. 271 00:11:50,010 --> 00:11:52,512 Anyway, I know what's going on here, and it's not gonna work. 272 00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:53,580 Angie's with me. 273 00:11:53,646 --> 00:11:54,848 Hey, she's my friend, too. 274 00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:56,950 Yeah, well, she and I are more than friends. 275 00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:59,920 Oh, really? Have you slept with her? 276 00:11:59,987 --> 00:12:01,388 That's none of your business. 277 00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:02,756 Oh, my God, you haven't. 278 00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:05,092 I was just taking a shot in the dark. 279 00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:07,627 No, that's your sex life. 280 00:12:07,694 --> 00:12:10,130 All I know is, if you haven't slept with Angie, 281 00:12:10,197 --> 00:12:11,464 it's a level playing field. 282 00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:13,433 You think so? I do. 283 00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:16,569 Oh, hey, what are we doing? 284 00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:18,571 We're going upstairs. 285 00:12:18,638 --> 00:12:19,739 Okey-dokey. 286 00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:21,274 Good night, Alan. 287 00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:24,912 Night. 288 00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:26,513 CHARLIE: Hey, Alan? 289 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:27,948 (blows raspberry) 290 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,184 * Men. 291 00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:36,023 Morning. 292 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,357 What's good about it? 293 00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,359 I didn't say "good." 294 00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:40,961 Hey, 295 00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:42,462 why aren't you studying for your test? 296 00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:45,032 I thought we settled this, Dad. 297 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,935 Turn off the TV. Go to your room and study. 298 00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:49,302 (turns TV off) 299 00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:50,603 He'll never learn. 300 00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:53,140 Hey! Hey, I heard that! 301 00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:53,841 So? 302 00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:55,608 So, I'm an adult! 303 00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:58,111 I don't have to learn anything! 304 00:12:58,178 --> 00:13:00,080 What's bugging you, Zippy? 305 00:13:00,147 --> 00:13:02,916 Your blow-up doll run off with a pool toy? 306 00:13:07,821 --> 00:13:10,257 Just mind your business and do your job. 307 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,498 Want to rephrase that? 308 00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,968 Desperately. 309 00:13:22,702 --> 00:13:24,104 Good morning, everyone. 310 00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:26,273 Well, at least somebody's in a good mood. 311 00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:29,576 Well, I'm not usually one to kiss and tell, but... 312 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:32,345 Boing! Wow! Wubba-wubba-wubba! 313 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,518 So who's the lucky receptacle? 314 00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:41,754 Do not talk about Angie that way. 315 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,756 She's a lady! 316 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,658 During the day. 317 00:13:45,725 --> 00:13:47,260 But once the lights go down... 318 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,429 Boing! Wow! Wubba-wubba-wubba! 319 00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,031 All right, fine. 320 00:13:51,098 --> 00:13:52,499 We get the picture. 321 00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:55,168 Oh, I don't think you do. 322 00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:56,669 She left an hour ago, 323 00:13:56,736 --> 00:14:00,207 but it took me till now to safely zip up my pants. 324 00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:04,244 You know, there are parts of Angie 325 00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:06,013 that could sue Disneyland for claiming 326 00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:08,415 it's the happiest place on earth. 327 00:14:08,481 --> 00:14:10,017 Oh, go to hell. 328 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,551 Alan, Alan, wait. 329 00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:12,619 What? 330 00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:15,555 Boing! Wow! Wubba-wubba-wubba! 331 00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:20,427 (doorbell rings) 332 00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:25,532 (sniffles) 333 00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:27,467 Hi. Is Charlie here? 334 00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:29,536 Oh, for God's sake, 335 00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:32,605 they just drop out of the sky for him. 336 00:14:32,672 --> 00:14:33,974 Tricia? 337 00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:36,176 Hi, Charlie. Can I talk to you? 338 00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:38,045 I-I guess. What's up? 339 00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:39,947 (sobbing): I've made a horrible mistake. 340 00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:41,881 I can't marry Jeremy. 341 00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:42,782 Who's Jeremy? 342 00:14:42,849 --> 00:14:44,651 Angie's son. 343 00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:46,419 I thought I wanted to settle down, 344 00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:50,490 but when I saw you the other night, I realized 345 00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,725 I'm not over you. 346 00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:55,062 Okay, uh, you understand 347 00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:57,764 that I'm involved with Jeremy's mother, right? 348 00:14:57,830 --> 00:15:01,501 Well, I know, but I don't understand. 349 00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,404 You're not alone. 350 00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:08,041 I'm so confused. 351 00:15:08,108 --> 00:15:10,043 I just had to see you. 352 00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:11,511 Oh, come on. Come on. 353 00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:13,613 It'll be all right. 354 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,182 Can I get you anything? 355 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:16,383 Something to drink? 356 00:15:16,449 --> 00:15:19,319 Could I have a glass of water? 357 00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:20,687 Sure. 358 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,322 Here, sit down. 359 00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:23,523 Thank you. 360 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,592 Alan, where do we keep the water? 361 00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:30,130 Kitchen. 362 00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:33,033 Back in a flash. 363 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,401 "Where do we keep the water?" 364 00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:35,735 I know where the Scotch is. 365 00:15:35,802 --> 00:15:37,504 I know where the ice cubes are. 366 00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:38,671 That's enough. 367 00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:40,473 Okay, let me get this straight. 368 00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:42,675 Angie's son is engaged to that woman, 369 00:15:42,742 --> 00:15:44,577 who you used to be involved with, 370 00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:45,578 who now wants you back? 371 00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:47,080 Scorecards! 372 00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:49,449 Can't tell the players without the scorecards. 373 00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:52,919 Yeah. What am I gonna do? 374 00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:54,321 I know what I'd do. 375 00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:57,390 Yeah. Three pumps and an apology. 376 00:15:59,192 --> 00:16:02,662 What, you got another move I ain't heard about? 377 00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:05,798 Okay, forget about what I'd do. 378 00:16:05,865 --> 00:16:07,134 That-that woman is gorgeous. 379 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,036 How-How can you possibly pass that up? 380 00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:10,803 Easy. I care about Angie. 381 00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,639 Forget Angie. You don't need Angie. 382 00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:14,674 You're just trying to sabotage my relationship 383 00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:15,675 so you can have Angie. 384 00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,710 What?! No. 385 00:16:17,777 --> 00:16:19,712 No! No! 386 00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:22,615 No! 387 00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:26,186 Come on. Look at her. 388 00:16:26,253 --> 00:16:28,355 She's young, needy, and vulnerable. 389 00:16:29,956 --> 00:16:31,724 Go fetch! 390 00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:33,560 No. No, it's not worth it. 391 00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:35,662 I'm not gonna screw things up with Angie. 392 00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:37,264 Who's gonna tell her? I'm not gonna tell her. 393 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,166 That's not the point. 394 00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:40,167 Okay, think about this. 395 00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:41,201 In a few years, 396 00:16:41,268 --> 00:16:44,204 Tricia will be what, 29? 397 00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:46,439 Angie's gonna be... 398 00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:48,375 60. 399 00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:52,079 You're lookin' at grandkids, liver spots, 400 00:16:52,145 --> 00:16:53,980 and a dusty bowl of hard candy. 401 00:16:54,047 --> 00:16:55,882 I don't like any of those. 402 00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:57,884 Of course you don't. Nobody does. 403 00:16:57,950 --> 00:16:59,452 Go ahead. Do it. 404 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,156 Defile her! 405 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,767 Here you are. 406 00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:16,803 Thanks. 407 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,038 Listen, Tricia. 408 00:17:19,106 --> 00:17:21,474 You know how I feel about you. 409 00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,610 We had some great times together. 410 00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:24,844 Oh. 411 00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:26,413 Remember Vegas? 412 00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:28,548 Oh, yeah. 413 00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:31,151 We didn't leave the room for three days. 414 00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:33,320 Oh, yeah. 415 00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:34,621 Of course I couldn't leave 416 00:17:34,687 --> 00:17:37,857 because I made you tie me to the bed. 417 00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:40,793 Oh, yeah. 418 00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:43,896 Do you ever hear from the other two girls? 419 00:17:43,963 --> 00:17:46,065 Oh, yeah. 420 00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:51,204 Look, this isn't a good idea. 421 00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:53,206 You need to go. 422 00:17:53,273 --> 00:17:55,875 But can't we just 423 00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:58,678 talk a little more? 424 00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:01,314 If we could just talk, you wouldn't need to go. 425 00:18:01,381 --> 00:18:03,283 But-But Charlie... 426 00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:06,085 Trust me. 427 00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:08,020 Jeremy is a great guy, 428 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,122 and he obviously loves you. 429 00:18:09,189 --> 00:18:10,690 I say give him a chance. 430 00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:15,562 But what if you and I had just-just had one last fling? 431 00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:17,297 One last fling. 432 00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:19,132 Yeah. Yeah, we'll go back to Vegas. 433 00:18:19,199 --> 00:18:21,934 Oh, this time, I'll tie you up. 434 00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:24,437 You really need to go. 435 00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:25,838 No... (clears throat) 436 00:18:25,905 --> 00:18:27,006 Bye-bye. Charlie, wait. 437 00:18:27,073 --> 00:18:28,040 Bye-bye. Wait, Char... 438 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,009 (mumbles) 439 00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:31,744 (sighs) 440 00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:33,746 It's not too late. 441 00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:38,318 You can still have her. 442 00:18:38,385 --> 00:18:40,820 I'm not listening. 443 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,289 You could do it in her car! 444 00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:44,224 How hot is that? I can't hear you! 445 00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:46,559 It's dirty in a car! 446 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:50,163 * Men. 447 00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:53,266 (sighs) 448 00:18:55,402 --> 00:18:59,972 What the hell do you want? 449 00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:01,474 What?! 450 00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:04,744 Tricia broke off her engagement with Jeremy because of you. 451 00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:07,247 No, no, no, no, no, no! No! No! 452 00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:11,017 I was good. Honest. 453 00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:13,253 (sobbing): He was crushed. 454 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,355 My little boy had a nervous breakdown 455 00:19:15,422 --> 00:19:17,357 and tried to drink bleach. 456 00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:19,526 Yeah, but I was good. 457 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:20,760 Oh, good?! 458 00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:23,129 Tricia told us everything about you and her. 459 00:19:23,196 --> 00:19:24,297 Everything? 460 00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:26,633 And he was still crushed? 461 00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:28,768 You lied to me. 462 00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,203 No, no, no, no, no. 463 00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:31,404 No, I didn't lie. 464 00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:32,372 I just... didn't tell. 465 00:19:32,439 --> 00:19:34,641 It was a long time ago. 466 00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:36,843 And I didn't want you to be jealous 467 00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,778 because she's young and you're... 468 00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,680 I'm what?! 469 00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:42,682 A real trooper? 470 00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:44,417 Drop dead! 471 00:19:48,755 --> 00:19:50,690 But I was good! 472 00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:54,427 * Men. 473 00:19:58,231 --> 00:19:59,999 You did. You warned me. 474 00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:01,601 But did you listen? No. 475 00:20:01,668 --> 00:20:03,102 Do you ever listen? No. 476 00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:05,405 Are you listening now? No. 477 00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:07,274 So you're just going to sit there 478 00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:08,308 and feel sorry for yourself? 479 00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:11,311 No. I'm also gonna drink. 480 00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:13,212 Oh, come on, Charles. 481 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,316 This isn't like you, apart from the drinking. 482 00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:18,084 What do you want me to do, Mom? 483 00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:20,287 I want you to do what you always do: 484 00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:22,154 pick yourself up, dust yourself off, 485 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,156 call one of your little whores. 486 00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:26,526 Mom, have you ever considered 487 00:20:26,593 --> 00:20:29,329 trying to be nurturing and supportive? 488 00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:33,500 When have I ever been anything else? 489 00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:35,735 Right. I don't know what I was thinking. 490 00:20:35,802 --> 00:20:37,470 It's okay. 491 00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:39,639 I've had a lifetime of being hurt by you. 492 00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:42,609 At this point, I'm just one big scab. 493 00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:45,077 Where have you been? 494 00:20:45,144 --> 00:20:48,281 I figured since you weren't seeing Angie anymore, 495 00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:49,949 I'd stop by and say hello. 496 00:20:50,016 --> 00:20:51,351 And? 497 00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:53,820 She was a really mean drunk. 498 00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:57,590 Well, as I was trying to tell your brother, 499 00:20:57,657 --> 00:21:00,960 single women that age are notoriously unstable. 500 00:21:03,229 --> 00:21:04,931 What? 501 00:21:04,997 --> 00:21:06,533 I'm nowhere near her age. 502 00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:08,200 JAKE: Hey, Grandma, guess what? 503 00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:10,837 I'm gonna be in eighth grade next year. 504 00:21:10,903 --> 00:21:12,104 Oh, really? 505 00:21:12,171 --> 00:21:13,706 Is this a move forward? 506 00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:14,907 Yes. 507 00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:15,975 Yes. 508 00:21:16,042 --> 00:21:19,812 Then congratulations. 509 00:21:21,247 --> 00:21:23,716 Next stop: clown college. 510 00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:27,754 There's a college for clowns? 511 00:21:27,820 --> 00:21:30,289 Okay. Clown junior college.