1
00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:04,538
So, I'm thinking

2
00:00:04,605 --> 00:00:06,840
we serve the good wine
before the ceremony,

3
00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:08,342
and then at
the reception,

4
00:00:08,409 --> 00:00:10,244
after everybody's
got a little buzz on,

5
00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:12,846
we uncork
the crap.

6
00:00:12,913 --> 00:00:14,548
Alan, I do not want
to cheap out

7
00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:18,052
on what is very possibly
my last wedding.

8
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:20,821
He's always been stingy.

9
00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,423
I remember once,
when he was

10
00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:24,692
a little boy, he accidentally
swallowed a quarter.

11
00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:26,194
Refused to poop for a week.

12
00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:29,397
Mom, for God's sakes.

13
00:00:29,463 --> 00:00:30,998
This is my future stepsister.

14
00:00:31,065 --> 00:00:33,467
Oh, relax, Alan.
I think it's cute.

15
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:36,036
Cute? He's so tight,
I wouldn't have been surprised

16
00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:37,771
if only two dimes came out.

17
00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:42,143
Mom, I'm begging you.

18
00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:43,511
Would you feel any better

19
00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:45,813
if I told you something
embarrassing about me?

20
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:46,714
Yes.

21
00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:47,981
Promise not to laugh?

22
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:48,949
Promise.

23
00:00:49,016 --> 00:00:50,118
All right.

24
00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:51,385
(clears throat)

25
00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:54,688
I have never in my life
refused to poop.

26
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:57,191
(laughing)

27
00:01:00,261 --> 00:01:01,729
You are so mean.

28
00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:02,830
I love you.

29
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,499
I think I liked it better

30
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,000
when you two didn't get along.

31
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,536
Well, those days are over.

32
00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:11,205
Once I saw
how happy Evie makes my father,

33
00:01:11,272 --> 00:01:12,406
I could have married her myself.

34
00:01:12,473 --> 00:01:14,007
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

35
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:16,110
And you're like the daughter
I never had.

36
00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:18,078
Hmm.
Not that he didn't try.

37
00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:20,314
(laughs)

38
00:01:21,649 --> 00:01:22,850
You should have seen him

39
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,486
parading around in my earrings
and my high heels.

40
00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:27,588
"Look at me, Mommy, I'm pretty."

41
00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:28,822
(laughing)

42
00:01:30,124 --> 00:01:31,559
He wasn't, of course.

43
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:37,097
Oh, darling,
I'm just teasing you.

44
00:01:37,165 --> 00:01:38,599
You're all man.

45
00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:40,901
Thanks.

46
00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:43,003
Okay, let's talk appetizers.

47
00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:45,373
CHARLIE:
Hey, Alan,
how long do I have

48
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:47,208
before Bridezilla
gets here?

49
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:49,843
Gee, Charlie, I-I don't know

50
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,212
what you're talking about.

51
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:52,980
CHARLIE:
She's already here,
isn't she?

52
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:55,115
Yes, dear.

53
00:01:55,183 --> 00:01:56,450
Come on down.

54
00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:58,519
It's a little game we play.

55
00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:00,288
I show him unconditional love,

56
00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:02,390
and he's an ungrateful
little pissant.

57
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:03,757
(laughs)

58
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:05,893
Hey, Mom.

59
00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:07,295
Hello, dear.

60
00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:08,396
You remember Teddy's
daughter, Courtney?

61
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:10,264
How could I forget?

62
00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:11,932
Nice to see you again.

63
00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:13,601
Nice to see you, too.

64
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:15,035
EVELYN:
Courtney

65
00:02:15,102 --> 00:02:17,305
and your brother are helping me
with the wedding arrangements.

66
00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:19,373
It's your fifth wedding, Mom.

67
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,442
What do you need help with,

68
00:02:21,509 --> 00:02:25,213
besides remembering
the groom's name?

69
00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:27,215
You know, I'd cut him
out of the will

70
00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:29,650
if I thought there was a chance
he'd outlive me.

71
00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:32,620
(phone ringing)

72
00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:33,654
Hello?

73
00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:35,556
Oh, Teddy, darling.

74
00:02:35,623 --> 00:02:37,191
What's up?

75
00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:39,092
Oh. Excuse me.

76
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,361
That's wonderful.

77
00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:42,430
Can you keep it up
till I get there?

78
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:45,299
All right, all right,
I just want to make sure

79
00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:47,201
we're all on the
same page here.

80
00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:49,069
This-This wedding will
be absolutely ruined

81
00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:51,739
if Mom finds out that her son
and her future stepdaughter

82
00:02:51,805 --> 00:02:53,307
have been carrying on
behind her back.

83
00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:54,342
Don't worry.
She won't.

84
00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:55,676
No, I do worry.

85
00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:58,379
There-There can be no flirting,
no innuendo.

86
00:02:58,446 --> 00:03:00,881
Don't worry
about in you endo.

87
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,950
Worry about in her endo.

88
00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:07,020
Everybody keeps
their troublemakers

89
00:03:07,087 --> 00:03:08,155
in their pants.

90
00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:09,523
Hey, I'll cooperate,

91
00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:11,325
but I can't speak
for my troublemaker.

92
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,294
EVELYN:
Alan!

93
00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:15,729
Teddy wants to talk to you
about the boutonnieres.

94
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,331
Coming!

95
00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:19,533
I knew he'd
fight me on this.

96
00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:25,306
So, when can
we get together?

97
00:03:25,373 --> 00:03:27,207
(laughs)
We can't.

98
00:03:27,275 --> 00:03:28,509
You and I are done.

99
00:03:28,576 --> 00:03:31,245
Why, just because
of what Alan said?

100
00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:32,680
Nobody listens to Alan.

101
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:35,048
Hell, half the time,
Alan doesn't listen to Alan.

102
00:03:35,115 --> 00:03:37,385
Look, I finally have a good
relationship with your mother,

103
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:39,186
and I'd like
to keep it that way.

104
00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:40,454
Hey, a good relationship

105
00:03:40,521 --> 00:03:42,222
with my mother is
highly overrated.

106
00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:44,592
Look at me. I've gone my
whole life without one.

107
00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:48,161
Charlie, get it
through your head.

108
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,431
You and I-- no more.

109
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:55,102
If it were that simple,

110
00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:58,272
they wouldn't call it
a troublemaker.

111
00:03:58,339 --> 00:04:01,275
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

112
00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:03,977
* Oh-oh *
* Men.

113
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:06,914
(glass clinking)

114
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,549
I'd like to make a little toast.

115
00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:10,050
To our families
coming together.

116
00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:11,452
Hear, hear.

117
00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:12,720
To coming together.

118
00:04:15,289 --> 00:04:17,057
Evelyn is gaining
a daughter,

119
00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:18,792
and I'm gaining
two sons.

120
00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:19,860
And a grandson.

121
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,629
Don't interrupt.

122
00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:23,497
And I'd like to say
something else.

123
00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:25,999
I want this to be an
old-fashioned marriage.

124
00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:29,370
Darling, what's mine is yours.

125
00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:30,938
We do not need a prenup.

126
00:04:32,205 --> 00:04:34,141
Teddy, we've talked about this.

127
00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:36,009
You have a lot of money.

128
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:37,678
You should be protected.

129
00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:39,547
I don't need to be protected
from you, baby.

130
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:40,881
Daddy, wait a minute...

131
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:42,683
Courtney,
this is none of your business.

132
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:43,417
But, Dad!

133
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:44,785
But nothing.

134
00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:46,053
I love this woman,

135
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:48,689
and I am not going
to bet against our marriage

136
00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:50,991
by bringing a bunch
of lawyers into it.

137
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,663
Wow. He must
really love her.

138
00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:57,064
Yeah.

139
00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:58,799
The schmuck.

140
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:01,669
Excuse me.

141
00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:11,612
I had a thought
about the ice sculpture.

142
00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:15,783
A lot of people go with Cupid,

143
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:18,819
but you got to remember,
the bow and arrow melts first,

144
00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:22,356
and what you're left with
is a fat kid dancing in shrimp.

145
00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:25,693
There's gonna be shrimp?

146
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,194
For the guests.

147
00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:28,696
So, what am I?

148
00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:31,365
Don't feed me
straight lines, dear.

149
00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:33,901
Excuse me.

150
00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:36,069
Why would I feed her
straight lines

151
00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:37,671
if there's shrimp?

152
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,986
COURTNEY:
I'll be out
in a minute.

153
00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:54,187
I can't wait.

154
00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:56,189
Better let me in now.

155
00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:58,058
Charlie, get
out of here.

156
00:05:58,125 --> 00:06:01,161
Oh, come on. You can't just
cut me off like this.

157
00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:03,163
Hey, I can cut
off whoever

158
00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:05,298
or whatever
I want.

159
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:08,802
Are you playing hard to get
because you know it turns me on?

160
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,471
(sighs)
(toilet flushing)

161
00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:11,972
I'm not playing, Charlie.

162
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:13,373
Okay, I just
have to say,

163
00:06:13,441 --> 00:06:15,308
not playing turns me on more.

164
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,845
(knocking)

165
00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:19,847
ALAN:
Charlie, are you in there
with Courtney?

166
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:21,114
No.

167
00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:23,951
Hi, Courtney.

168
00:06:24,017 --> 00:06:25,018
Hi, Alan.

169
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:26,754
I thought
we had an agreement.

170
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:29,056
Yeah, the agreement was,
Mom doesn't find out.

171
00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:30,724
(knocking)

172
00:06:30,791 --> 00:06:33,193
Courtney?

173
00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:34,327
You okay, dear?

174
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:35,863
Oh, I'm fine, Evelyn.

175
00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:38,098
I thought
you might be upset

176
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:40,267
about that prenup
nonsense,

177
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:41,702
and I just want you to know,

178
00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:43,704
I'm not after your
father's money.

179
00:06:43,771 --> 00:06:46,039
COURTNEY:
I'm sure you're not.

180
00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:50,478
Believe me, I have plenty
of my own money.

181
00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:52,245
Of course, don't tell
Alan and Charlie.

182
00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:53,447
They're annoying
enough as it is.

183
00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:55,148
(Courtney laughs)

184
00:06:55,215 --> 00:06:58,251
I won't.

185
00:06:58,318 --> 00:07:00,521
So, exactly how
rich are you?

186
00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:03,023
I do all right.

187
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:04,458
Huh.

188
00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:07,427
When you marry my grandma,
what does that make you to me?

189
00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:09,997
Nothing.

190
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,301
Sorry, dear.

191
00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:15,335
Oh, that's all right.

192
00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:17,104
I was talking
to the kid.

193
00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:18,572
Isn't that nice.

194
00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:20,541
You know, even if
we're not related,

195
00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:23,076
you can still buy me
birthday and Christmas presents.

196
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,112
Thanks for the tip.

197
00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:28,482
ALAN:
I don't believe it.

198
00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:30,083
If Mom's got
so much money,

199
00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:32,953
how come we still get
books for Christmas?

200
00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:35,055
Let it go, Alan.

201
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:36,323
Whatever money she has,

202
00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:39,392
most likely has got
an ancient curse attached to it.

203
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,729
(urinating)

204
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,331
What are you doing?

205
00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:45,999
I'm here.
I figure, what the hell?

206
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:49,503
Just remember
to put the seat back down.

207
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:50,671
It's a ladies' room.

208
00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:52,272
Why do they even go up?

209
00:07:52,339 --> 00:07:54,041
I don't know.

210
00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:57,377
It's a bigger target for broads
who want to puke their dinner.

211
00:07:57,444 --> 00:07:59,312
(toilet flushing)
Makes sense.

212
00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:01,214
All right.

213
00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:03,751
Let's talk about Courtney.

214
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,953
What do you want me
to tell you, Alan?

215
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,355
I want you to tell me
why you're so obsessed with her.

216
00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:09,823
Isn't it obvious?

217
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:12,225
She drinks, she smokes,
she gambles.

218
00:08:12,292 --> 00:08:13,961
She's me with indoor plumbing.

219
00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:20,868
What are you doing
in the ladies' room?

220
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:23,604
Uh, the men's room
was occupied.

221
00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:25,973
Do you have to pee
sitting down?

222
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:27,374
No, the seats go up.

223
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,076
Cool.

224
00:08:30,477 --> 00:08:32,880
Hey, it smells nice in here.

225
00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:38,518
* Men.

226
00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:40,654
(sighs)

227
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:42,590
Hey, Courtney, it's Charlie.

228
00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,191
Your brother.

229
00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:45,425
(laughs)

230
00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:46,994
Anyway, I just wanted
to apologize

231
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:49,362
for making a scene there
in the restaurant.

232
00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:51,298
Would still love
to get together,

233
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:52,566
so give me a call.

234
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:55,168
I'm just sitting at home
reading a book.

235
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:58,005
(fire engine siren blaring,
horn honking)

236
00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:00,140
And watching TV.

237
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:01,441
(dogs barking)

238
00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:04,411
Disney Channel.

239
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:05,813
101 Dalmatians.

240
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:08,716
What a great film, huh?

241
00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:10,651
(helicopter whirring)

242
00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:12,319
Oop, sat on the remote.

243
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,520
(clears throat)

244
00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:14,922
Hey, Apocalypse Now.

245
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:18,391
Another great movie, huh?

246
00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:20,661
Anyway, call me.

247
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:24,698
(sighs)

248
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:27,735
(knocking on car window)

249
00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:29,269
Hi, Charlie.

250
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:30,604
Rose?!
(car door opens)

251
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:32,673
What the hell
are you doing here?

252
00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:35,575
I could ask you
that question.

253
00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:39,680
And the answer would be
the same: stalking.

254
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,350
No, no, I'm not, uh...

255
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:44,618
Good at it?

256
00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:48,188
What do you want?

257
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:49,623
Right now, or long-term?

258
00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:51,091
Rose!

259
00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:53,994
I've just been watching you
for an hour and...

260
00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:56,096
38 minutes,
and I felt bad for you.

261
00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:58,398
I thought
maybe you could use some help.

262
00:09:58,465 --> 00:10:00,233
Thanks, but I'm fine.

263
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,302
Really? Did you bring water?

264
00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:04,304
No.

265
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,540
Trail mix?

266
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,743
No.

267
00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:13,714
Pee jar?

268
00:10:13,781 --> 00:10:16,083
Oh, that would have
been a great idea.

269
00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:18,719
Here you go.

270
00:10:18,786 --> 00:10:20,353
Thank you.

271
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:22,522
Let's see, what else?

272
00:10:22,589 --> 00:10:25,525
Ooh, night vision goggles?

273
00:10:25,592 --> 00:10:27,327
I don't think so.

274
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:29,663
You say that now,
but if you hide in her trunk,

275
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,231
and want to do
a little light reading,

276
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:32,432
you're gonna be sorry.

277
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:34,501
I'm fine.

278
00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:35,936
Okay.

279
00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:37,637
I'll just
keep you company.

280
00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,206
Give me one of these

281
00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:40,941
if you need
to use the pee jar.

282
00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:44,344
Charlie, what the hell
are you doing?

283
00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:45,545
Oh. Hey.

284
00:10:45,612 --> 00:10:46,847
(laughs)

285
00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:48,481
Teddy, how are you?

286
00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:50,718
Since when do you drive
a Volvo?

287
00:10:50,784 --> 00:10:52,452
Uh, it's my brother's car.

288
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:53,653
Very smart.

289
00:10:53,721 --> 00:10:54,955
She would have spotted your car.

290
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:56,724
I didn't give you points
for that.

291
00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:59,259
I thought you and I
had an understanding

292
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:00,493
that you and my daughter

293
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:01,895
weren't gonna see
each other anymore.

294
00:11:01,962 --> 00:11:03,163
Well, in my defense, sir,

295
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:04,798
we're not really
seeing each other.

296
00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:06,199
This is more of a, um...

297
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:08,501
Reconnaissance mission.

298
00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:09,837
Who is this?

299
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:12,806
Oh, uh, this
is Rose.

300
00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:14,074
She's kind of
my, um...

301
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:15,876
Sidekick.

302
00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:18,812
I don't wanna beat this
to death,

303
00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:20,948
but if your mother finds out
that you and Courtney

304
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,316
are seeing each other
and thinks I kept it from her,

305
00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:26,086
I don't know what she'd do,
probably call off the wedding.

306
00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:27,554
I'm... I'm...
I'm sorry, Teddy.

307
00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:28,856
I don't want to
screw things up.

308
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:30,423
Well, then go home.

309
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:31,424
Right.

310
00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:33,260
Nice to meet you, Rose.

311
00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:34,795
Enchanté.

312
00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:37,264
(engine starts)

313
00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:38,631
(sighs)

314
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:42,235
Boy, if he was 30 years younger,
I'd be following him.

315
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,305
Oh, what the hell?

316
00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:59,753
You were with her, weren't you?

317
00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:01,154
What are you, my wife?

318
00:12:03,957 --> 00:12:06,860
No, I'm the wedding planner.

319
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:11,999
I'm the one who's dealing
with caterers and florists

320
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,067
and musicians and parking valets

321
00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:16,236
and a thousand
frozen butterflies.

322
00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:17,570
Frozen butterflies?

323
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:18,872
Mom wanted butterflies.

324
00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:20,440
What is she gonna do,
eat them?

325
00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:22,375
No, you... you thaw them out
during the ceremony,

326
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:24,711
and when the bride and groom
kiss, they fly away.

327
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:26,814
Is there still gonna be shrimp?

328
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,481
Yes, there's gonna be shrimp!

329
00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:30,317
Good. I like shrimp.

330
00:12:33,153 --> 00:12:35,088
Charlie, I will not have you
ruin this wedding.

331
00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:38,591
Well, you can relax.
I wasn't with Courtney.

332
00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:39,960
Thank God for that.

333
00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:41,228
So where were you?

334
00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:45,098
Parked outside her apartment.

335
00:12:46,033 --> 00:12:47,835
You were stalking her?

336
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:51,538
Oh, man, why does everybody
use that word?

337
00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:55,642
It has such a bad connotation.

338
00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:57,010
Charlie, what is wrong with you?

339
00:12:57,077 --> 00:12:58,711
I've never seen you
like this before.

340
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:01,248
I know, I know.

341
00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:03,083
I can't get her
out of my mind.

342
00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:05,152
I go to sleep
thinking about her.

343
00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:07,120
I wake up thinking about her.

344
00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:09,689
The other day, I stumbled
into a three-way and...

345
00:13:09,756 --> 00:13:12,860
Wait, wait...
Hey, whoa, whoa...

346
00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:15,095
How do you stumble
into a three-way?

347
00:13:15,162 --> 00:13:17,197
It's usually a roommate thing.

348
00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:21,234
You read about sisters,
but that almost never happens.

349
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,105
Anyway, in order
to get through it,

350
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:28,241
I had to fantasize
that both of them were Courtney.

351
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:29,642
How sad is that?

352
00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:31,411
I'm brokenhearted for you.

353
00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:34,414
You know what I think?

354
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,917
I think the only reason
you're so obsessed with Courtney

355
00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:38,351
is because you can't have her.

356
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:41,121
Well, duh.

357
00:13:41,188 --> 00:13:43,490
Oh, please tell me
you're not calling her.

358
00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:46,426
Of course not.

359
00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:49,796
Hey, Rose, it's Charlie.

360
00:13:49,863 --> 00:13:51,598
Listen, after you're done
with Teddy,

361
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,234
can you swing by Courtney's and
let me know what she's doing?

362
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:02,075
* Men.

363
00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:04,244
Okay, the vows.

364
00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:06,113
Now, I understand
you've written your own?

365
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:07,981
First I'm hearing
about it.

366
00:14:08,048 --> 00:14:09,316
Oh, forgive me,
darling, I...

367
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:12,452
I took the liberty
of writing both of ours.

368
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:17,824
I come across kind
of fruity, don't I?

369
00:14:17,891 --> 00:14:19,326
Well, you're
in love with me.

370
00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:21,962
Love makes everyone
a little gay.

371
00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:24,631
Terrific.

372
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:27,500
(knocking)
Please let that be
my butterflies.

373
00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:29,136
Please, please, please.

374
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:32,172
That kid doesn't
need butterflies.

375
00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:34,541
Oh.

376
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:36,143
Hi, Courtney, come on in.

377
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:38,511
No, that's okay. I just need
to talk to my father.

378
00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:40,047
What's up, baby?

379
00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:41,481
Is Courtney here?

380
00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:46,553
Hi, Courtney.

381
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:47,854
Hi, Charlie.

382
00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:49,022
Dad, it's kinda private.

383
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,557
Can I talk to you outside,
please?

384
00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:52,225
Sure. Excuse me.

385
00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:56,396
Did you happen to see
a frozen butterfly truck go by?

386
00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:58,398
Everything okay?

387
00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:00,167
No, no, everything
is not okay.

388
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,935
Always good
to see you.

389
00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:04,804
COURTNEY:
I just don't understand
why you won't help me!

390
00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:06,439
TEDDY:
Damn it, Courtney.
We've been through this!

391
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:08,141
I'm not gonna keep
bailing you out.

392
00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:09,309
COURTNEY:
But Daddy, I...

393
00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:10,643
TEDDY:
Don't "but Daddy" me!

394
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,179
Wow, makes you feel grateful

395
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,214
that the three of us
get along so well.

396
00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:15,082
COURTNEY:
Well, what am I
supposed to do?

397
00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:16,683
Live on the street?!

398
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,551
TEDDY:
You're supposed to live
within your means.

399
00:15:18,618 --> 00:15:19,819
COURTNEY:
Oh, so you're just
gonna turn your back

400
00:15:19,886 --> 00:15:21,254
on me,
your own daughter?

401
00:15:21,321 --> 00:15:22,422
TEDDY:
Oh, don't be such
a drama queen!

402
00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:23,556
COURTNEY:
You know what?
Forget it!

403
00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:24,958
I'm outta here.

404
00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:26,626
TEDDY:
Courtney, don't
be like that.

405
00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:28,528
(car door slams, engine starts)

406
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:30,497
(tires squealing)

407
00:15:30,563 --> 00:15:32,532
Okay, the butterflies.

408
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,267
Um, now... now, Mom,

409
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:36,736
when you kiss Teddy, they're
gonna be released on the deck,

410
00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:38,805
but just so you know,
there's a 50-50 chance

411
00:15:38,871 --> 00:15:41,308
that seagulls will swoop down
and rip them to shreds.

412
00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:47,780
I'm sorry you heard that.

413
00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:49,916
Do you want me to talk to her?

414
00:15:49,983 --> 00:15:51,951
No, no, leave it alone.

415
00:15:52,019 --> 00:15:54,521
I'll go talk to her.

416
00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,492
Would either of you care
to explain

417
00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:02,362
why he's going to talk to her?

418
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:05,598
No.
No.

419
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:07,267
* Men.

420
00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:10,703
Hi.

421
00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:12,205
What are you doing here?

422
00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:13,806
I was concerned about you.

423
00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,242
I thought maybe I could help.

424
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,544
(sighs)
You can't help me.

425
00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:21,281
Try me.

426
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:23,450
Huh.

427
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:25,685
I was looking
at the wrong window.

428
00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:31,624
What?
Nice place.

429
00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:36,396
So...

430
00:16:36,463 --> 00:16:37,564
What's going on?

431
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:40,500
What do you want me
to tell you, Charlie?

432
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:43,570
I lost my job;
I'm about to lose my condo;

433
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:46,773
and my father won't lift
a finger to help me.

434
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,041
Wow.

435
00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:49,442
How much do you need?

436
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:52,612
Forget it.
I can't take your money.

437
00:16:54,081 --> 00:16:56,316
Well, I hadn't
actually offered yet.

438
00:16:58,051 --> 00:17:00,520
But we are gonna be family,

439
00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:02,689
and family looks
after each other.

440
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:04,557
I need $50,000.

441
00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:10,763
How about if I talk
to your dad?

442
00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:13,833
It's no use.

443
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,669
He's trying
to teach me a lesson.

444
00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:21,774
And, uh, you know,
I just love this place so much.

445
00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:25,044
(voice breaking):
I put every dime I had into it.

446
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:30,049
(sniffles)
Charlie, what am I gonna do?

447
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:35,021
You're gonna take
the money from me.

448
00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:38,858
No, no, it wouldn't be right.

449
00:17:38,925 --> 00:17:39,692
I insist.

450
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:48,735
I promise I'll pay you back.

451
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,803
I know you will.

452
00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:55,575
Thank you... so much.

453
00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:04,717
No, no.

454
00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:06,853
No, that's... that's not
why I'm doing this.

455
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:07,987
I know.

456
00:18:08,054 --> 00:18:09,489
I know, but I want you.

457
00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:13,693
I want you, too,

458
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:17,096
but I don't want to feel
like we're doing this

459
00:18:17,164 --> 00:18:18,198
because I lent you money.

460
00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:20,700
Okay, okay.

461
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:22,502
But soon?

462
00:18:22,569 --> 00:18:25,104
Definitely soon.

463
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:34,113
Good night.

464
00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:36,149
Good night.

465
00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:42,155
Ah, hell, if you're okay
with it, I'm okay with it.

466
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:47,360
* Men.

467
00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:52,232
And I promise to honor
and cherish you,

468
00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:55,435
to always be there for you
as a trusted friend,

469
00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:59,272
devoted husband
and selfish lover.

470
00:18:59,339 --> 00:19:01,308
Selfless.

471
00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:03,710
Oh, right, selfless.

472
00:19:05,345 --> 00:19:06,579
TEDDY:
And even though

473
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,915
I am significantly older
than you...

474
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:15,988
I feel renewed and replenished
every time I drink

475
00:19:16,055 --> 00:19:17,424
the sweet nectar
of your youth.

476
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:18,825
Pick it up, Teddy.

477
00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:20,860
No one can see butterflies
in the dark.

478
00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:22,362
(clears throat)

479
00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:25,131
I remember
the first time

480
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:26,466
I laid eyes on you

481
00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:30,403
at one of the many
charity events to which you

482
00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:33,039
so tirelessly devote yourself.

483
00:19:33,105 --> 00:19:36,276
You were a vision
in Dolce & Gabbana

484
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:38,211
and compassion.

485
00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:41,748
And that first moment
we spoke,

486
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:44,217
the simple melody
of your voice

487
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:47,487
was testimony
to how much the world lost

488
00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:50,357
when you gave up a
very promising singing career...

489
00:19:52,659 --> 00:19:54,861
in order to raise
your two little boys,

490
00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:57,196
not that they
ever appreciated it.

491
00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:02,735
And the lovemaking.

492
00:20:02,802 --> 00:20:05,872
What can I say
about the lovemaking?

493
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,008
I can't say this.

494
00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:11,244
If you don't, I will.

495
00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:15,682
(sighs)

496
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:18,551
As I explored every inch
of your firm,

497
00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:21,454
non-surgically enhanced body...

498
00:20:22,689 --> 00:20:25,992
I finally learned
the meaning of the words,

499
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,460
"heaven on Earth"...

500
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:30,630
and "natural redhead."

501
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:38,705
In the words
of the Bard:

502
00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:40,940
"Shall I compare thee
to the summer's day?

503
00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:44,010
"Thou art more lovely

504
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:45,412
"and more temperate.

505
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:50,717
"Rough winds do shake
the darling buds of May,

506
00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:52,785
(mouth silently)
"and summer's lease

507
00:20:52,852 --> 00:20:54,354
"hath all too
short a date."

508
00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:55,187
(mouths silently)

509
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,689
(mouths silently)

510
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,325
(mouths silently)
"So long as men
can breathe,

511
00:20:58,391 --> 00:21:00,327
(mouths silently)
"our eyes can see.

512
00:21:00,393 --> 00:21:01,394
"So long lives this

513
00:21:01,461 --> 00:21:03,463
"and gives life
to thee."

514
00:21:06,065 --> 00:21:09,302
You may now kiss the bride.

515
00:21:21,213 --> 00:21:22,349
You want me
to sweep them up

516
00:21:22,415 --> 00:21:29,188
and pop them
in the microwave?

517
00:21:29,255 --> 00:21:30,189
Never mind.

518
00:21:30,256 --> 00:21:32,559
* Men.