1 00:00:01,202 --> 00:00:03,571 Alan, I need to talk to you. 2 00:00:03,637 --> 00:00:04,638 Okay. 3 00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:06,006 Alone. 4 00:00:06,074 --> 00:00:07,708 Gotta be about sex. 5 00:00:07,775 --> 00:00:09,610 Take a hike. 6 00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:11,912 You know, I'm 14. You're not protecting me anymore. 7 00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:12,946 Jake. 8 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:14,648 This is just a pathetic sham. 9 00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:18,586 So what's up? 10 00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:20,654 Okay. Long story short, 11 00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:22,256 I've got a young woman upstairs. 12 00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:25,359 Wow. I didn't see this one coming. 13 00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:26,594 See her? 14 00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,062 I'm surprised you couldn't hear her. 15 00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:31,565 She was like a cat in a fan belt. 16 00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:35,403 Anyway... 17 00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:38,206 I need you to entertain her in my absence. 18 00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:40,074 Entertain her? What'd you have in mind? 19 00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:41,542 A musical number from Sweeney Todd? 20 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,078 How young is she? 21 00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:46,114 Maybe a little peek-a-boo. 22 00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:48,282 Right there. 23 00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:50,451 That's why no one likes you. 24 00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:53,887 Just keep her occupied till I get back. 25 00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:54,922 Where you going? 26 00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:56,324 I have a date. 27 00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:57,991 A date? 28 00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,493 I-It's 8:30 in the morning. 29 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,629 I know what time it is. I have a limited 30 00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:02,796 window of opportunity here 31 00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:05,199 Her husband's playing nine holes, so I thought 32 00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:08,202 as long as he's out, I'd try to play a couple myself. 33 00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:11,139 Then why don't you send the other girl home? 34 00:01:11,205 --> 00:01:12,706 I'll be back by noon. 35 00:01:12,773 --> 00:01:15,409 What am I supposed to do the rest of the day? 36 00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:18,579 Okay, okay. I mean... 37 00:01:18,646 --> 00:01:20,514 I'm gonna say something now because, well, 38 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,350 I think it needs to be said. 39 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,184 What? 40 00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:24,185 You're a severely damaged 41 00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:25,586 human being. 42 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:28,822 I'd love to stay and chitchat with you, 43 00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:30,891 but I've got a golf widow marinating in Brentwood. 44 00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:32,360 Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. 45 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,262 Wh-What am I supposed to tell the girl upstairs? 46 00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:36,564 I don't know. Tell her I went out to give blood. 47 00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:38,632 That way, if I come back a little weak, 48 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,534 I've got a good excuse. 49 00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:43,804 So, you want me to just lie to her. 50 00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:44,838 Well, it's up to you. 51 00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:46,240 You could tell her the truth, 52 00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:48,108 but then you'd have to pack up all your crap 53 00:01:48,176 --> 00:01:49,410 and move into the lifeguard station. 54 00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:52,580 Ohh... why you gotta do that? 55 00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:54,582 Why is it always "my way or the highway"? 56 00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:56,784 "Obey my commands, or you're out of the house." 57 00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:59,119 Then again, if the system works, why mess with it? 58 00:02:01,222 --> 00:02:04,024 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 59 00:02:04,091 --> 00:02:07,595 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 60 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:10,698 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 61 00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:12,700 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 62 00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:15,836 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 63 00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:19,039 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 64 00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:22,243 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 65 00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,452 when they poured those legs. 66 00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:33,020 (simpering) 67 00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:34,655 I don't believe it. 68 00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:36,390 Another one. 69 00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,127 Hey, Alan. 70 00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:41,529 Who's the blonde? 71 00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:42,730 Don't know. 72 00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:43,764 Found her on the beach. 73 00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,833 Like-- homeless? 74 00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:48,602 Not tonight. 75 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,771 You realize, that's three in one day. 76 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,340 Depends how you count. 77 00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:53,774 I make it out to be... 78 00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:54,942 seven. 79 00:02:56,244 --> 00:02:57,978 Or eight. 80 00:02:58,045 --> 00:02:59,847 I should carry a clicker. 81 00:03:01,915 --> 00:03:04,552 Oh! Charlie, even for you, this is ridiculous. 82 00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:08,656 Hey. One man's ridiculous is another man's yabba-dabba-doo. 83 00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:14,027 "I should carry a clicker." 84 00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:16,163 "Yabba-dabba-doo." 85 00:03:16,230 --> 00:03:17,798 By the way, I'm Charlie. 86 00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:20,100 I'm Gretchen. 87 00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:22,002 Ooh, I like that. Gretchen. 88 00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:23,537 It's got a built-in grrr. 89 00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:27,007 (knocking at door) 90 00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:28,476 Upstairs on the right. 91 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:29,910 Make yourself comfortable. 92 00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:30,811 Okay. 93 00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:34,915 Grrr. 94 00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:40,120 Charlie Harper? 95 00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:41,289 Yeah. 96 00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:45,759 Keep your hands off my wife. 97 00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:47,861 Yes, sir. No problem. 98 00:03:47,928 --> 00:03:49,630 Oh, God. Charlie? 99 00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:50,831 Are you okay? 100 00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,100 No, I'm not okay. 101 00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:54,768 I just got punched in the face. 102 00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:59,106 Help me up. 103 00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:01,241 That was an angry husband, wasn't it? 104 00:04:01,309 --> 00:04:02,910 Well, you can't really blame him. 105 00:04:02,976 --> 00:04:07,415 From now on, he's gonna have to take his wife golfing with him. 106 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:10,951 Wait a second. 107 00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:12,753 You're still going upstairs? 108 00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:13,887 Why not? 109 00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,723 It wasn't her husband. 110 00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:19,159 But... you're bleeding. 111 00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:21,562 Did you see that girl? 112 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:25,399 I'd be climbing these stairs if I was just a head and a spine. 113 00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:29,403 * Men. 114 00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:31,271 Berta, have you noticed 115 00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:32,172 anything different about Charlie lately? 116 00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:33,641 What do you mean? 117 00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:35,976 Well, he's always been promiscuous, but... 118 00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:38,879 I'm starting to think I should hide my bowling ball. 119 00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:41,649 I know what you're saying. 120 00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,451 I'm having to change his sheets so often, 121 00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:45,319 I'm thinking about putting them on a roller. 122 00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,991 Ha-Have you ever seen him act this way before? 123 00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:52,626 Well... 124 00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:55,863 when Viagra first came out, I thought he was gonna die. 125 00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:58,766 You know how they say 126 00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:00,701 if your erection lasts more than four hours, 127 00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:02,436 you should call your doctor? 128 00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:04,438 He'd just call another girl. 129 00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:06,039 Yipes. 130 00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:07,375 For a while there, 131 00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:10,077 he had to stand on his head to take a leak. 132 00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:15,315 'Morning. 133 00:05:15,383 --> 00:05:17,317 (groans) 134 00:05:17,385 --> 00:05:18,852 (labored breathing) 135 00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:19,987 'Morning. 'Morning. 136 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:26,927 Rough night in Hump Junction? 137 00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,297 No, I was good. 138 00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:32,400 I just had a little accident. 139 00:05:33,901 --> 00:05:37,538 I tried to pick my lady friend up and put her on the bureau 140 00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:41,074 and now I can't find one of my testicles. 141 00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,678 Oh, Charlie. 142 00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:48,081 I don't think I really lost it. 143 00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:50,083 It's kind of like your keys. 144 00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:52,285 Even if you can't put your hands on them, 145 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:54,488 you know they gotta be somewhere. 146 00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:02,963 That is something you do not want to find in the vacuum bag. 147 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:08,769 You know, I'm really starting to worry about him. 148 00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:10,671 I-I feel like I should do something. 149 00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:13,106 The way he's been acting, if I were you, 150 00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:16,143 I'd start sleeping on my back wearing a catcher's mask. 151 00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:19,947 CHARLIE: Good news! 152 00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:21,148 I found it! 153 00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:26,654 It's always the last place you look. 154 00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:30,591 * Men. 155 00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:33,827 Are you sure you're up to this? 156 00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,162 I'm fine. 157 00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:39,733 Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. 158 00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:45,105 Just a little tender in the giblets. 159 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:53,814 Yeah. You're fine. 160 00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:57,084 Two beers, please. 161 00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:01,088 Oh, yeah. Much better. 162 00:07:08,696 --> 00:07:09,830 What are you doing? 163 00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,565 What do you think I'm doing? 164 00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:12,666 I'm scouting the talent. 165 00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:15,335 Are you out of your mind? 166 00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:16,504 What's your pickup line? 167 00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:18,371 "You want to come back to my place 168 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:19,807 and help me look for my balls?" 169 00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:23,611 It was one ball, and I found it. 170 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,613 Oh, Charlie. 171 00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:27,715 Don't you think you need to slow down a bit? 172 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,583 Why would I want to do that? 173 00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,384 Well, come on. Is, is this lifestyle 174 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,687 actually making you happy? 175 00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:36,724 Let me answer that question with another question. 176 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:38,058 Who would you rather be? 177 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,326 You? Or me? 178 00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:41,194 You're kidding, right? 179 00:07:41,261 --> 00:07:42,530 You have two black eyes 180 00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:44,898 and you're perched on a scrotum cozy. 181 00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:49,102 You. 182 00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:54,274 Hi. 183 00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:55,442 Hey, there. 184 00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:57,477 Oh, sweet Lord. 185 00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:58,546 Can I buy you a drink? 186 00:07:58,612 --> 00:08:00,848 If you want to. 187 00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:03,050 Well, I'd like to buy you an airplane, 188 00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:04,885 but let's start with a drink. 189 00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:06,554 I'm Charlie. 190 00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:07,521 Pepper. 191 00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:09,389 Oh. My favorite condiment. 192 00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:10,490 It's a spice. 193 00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:12,726 Shut up. 194 00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:13,527 So, 195 00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:14,928 Charlie. 196 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,101 No kidding. 197 00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:23,737 Well, then... 198 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,510 All right. You're under arrest for solicitation. 199 00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:32,379 Stand up, put your hands behind your back, 200 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:33,581 and spread your legs. 201 00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:38,285 I'm afraid you're going to have to choose one. 202 00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:41,855 * Men. 203 00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:43,857 Now will you admit you've got a problem? 204 00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:46,694 Hey. That was entrapment. 205 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,562 I'm the victim here. 206 00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:50,263 If she wasn't a cop, what did you think 207 00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:51,632 you were gonna do with her? 208 00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:54,902 I really don't know. 209 00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,304 Charlie, don't you see what's happening to you? 210 00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:00,407 Nothing's happening, except I offered to buy a policewoman 211 00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:02,643 a $500 martini. 212 00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:04,344 Well, then, I guess there's no point 213 00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:05,746 in my talking to you anymore. 214 00:09:05,813 --> 00:09:09,082 All right. Then something good came of this. 215 00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:10,718 (knocking at door) 216 00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:27,835 Keep your hands off my girlfriend! 217 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:30,537 You're gonna have to be more specific. 218 00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:34,041 Son of a bitch. 219 00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:37,044 * Men. 220 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:48,555 Well... 221 00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:50,323 I've got a new career. 222 00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:52,192 As a crash test dummy? 223 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,330 Writing songs for little kids. 224 00:09:57,397 --> 00:09:58,265 Really? 225 00:09:58,331 --> 00:09:59,532 Yeah. Turns out, 226 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,201 immature minds respond to me. 227 00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:04,004 That sounds about right. 228 00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:07,507 Uh, let's see. 229 00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:08,541 What else? Uh... 230 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:09,542 My mom's getting married. 231 00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:10,477 Nice guy. 232 00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:11,211 Good for her. 233 00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,179 Yeah. Yeah. 234 00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:13,647 My brother still lives with me. 235 00:10:13,714 --> 00:10:15,749 Sure. We knew he wasn't going anywhere. 236 00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,086 Uh-uh. (clears throat) 237 00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,553 Let's see, um... 238 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,555 My nephew's growing like a weed. 239 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,557 Mack's fiancé is getting married. 240 00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:25,993 I've been dating a lot. Nothing serious. 241 00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:29,396 And, as you can see, I've had a couple of... 242 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:30,698 mishaps. 243 00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:33,200 Well, except for the facial lacerations 244 00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:34,534 and the rectal doughnut, 245 00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:36,169 hardly noticeable. 246 00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:39,773 It's actually a testicular doughnut. 247 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,508 What's the difference? 248 00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:43,376 About that much. 249 00:10:45,813 --> 00:10:48,081 Well, that's disturbing. 250 00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,750 Um... 251 00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:52,552 Let's circle back to the ex-fiancé. 252 00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:53,821 What was her name? 253 00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:55,388 Mia. How do you feel 254 00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:58,491 about Mia getting married and moving on with her life? 255 00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:00,427 I feel fine about it. 256 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:01,528 I'm happy for her. 257 00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:04,131 No remorse? No regrets? 258 00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,967 Not really. It's been a long time. 259 00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:11,371 Okay. So when did you learn about her upcoming nuptials? 260 00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,540 I don't know. 261 00:11:13,606 --> 00:11:15,675 A couple of weeks ago. 262 00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:19,179 Yep. Two weeks. 263 00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:22,082 You're carrying the announcement around with you? 264 00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:23,751 Yeah. Why? 265 00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:26,153 No reason. 266 00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:28,588 And you say you've been dating a lot? 267 00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:30,758 A little more than usual. 268 00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:32,726 And when did that new pattern start? 269 00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:34,294 Gee. I don't know. 270 00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,396 It's got to be a couple of weeks now. 271 00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:40,433 What? 272 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,702 Aw, come on, Charlie. Just 'cause I get paid by the hour 273 00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:44,437 doesn't mean this should take forever. 274 00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:49,009 It's pretty clear that the news 275 00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:51,378 about this woman getting married has hurt you, 276 00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:53,080 and you're acting out. 277 00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:56,283 Man, you shrinks want to bring everything back 278 00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:58,185 to feelings, don't you? 279 00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:01,154 You think it has anything to do with your toilet training? 280 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,823 No. 281 00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:04,758 Well, then I guess we're stuck with feelings. 282 00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:06,994 Now, when you read that announcement, 283 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,361 how did you feel? 284 00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:11,131 I don't know. 285 00:12:11,198 --> 00:12:13,967 How you feel when the woman you were once in love with 286 00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:15,468 is getting married to another guy. 287 00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:16,303 Describe it. 288 00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:18,605 Describe it? 289 00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:20,273 Just for fun. 290 00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:26,046 It's hard to say exactly. 291 00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:30,450 I... I guess it's kind of like a, a, a trapdoor opens up 292 00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:32,953 under your feet, and... and... and you're falling. 293 00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:34,421 And, at the same time, 294 00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:36,790 there's this enormous pressure on your chest, 295 00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:41,294 like a... like a big animal-- maybe a possum or a raccoon-- 296 00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:42,429 is sitting on it... 297 00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:46,699 ...and you can't catch your breath. 298 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,903 "A possum or a raccoon." 299 00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:52,272 If you're writing it down, say "raccoon." 300 00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:53,841 Will do. 301 00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:57,210 I don't know why I said possum. 302 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,079 It's okay. Um... 303 00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:03,083 You think it's possible that this feeling of falling, 304 00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:05,318 and the raccoon on your chest, 305 00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:09,289 is a physical manifestation of unexpressed grief? 306 00:13:09,356 --> 00:13:10,323 Grief? 307 00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:11,291 You know. Sadness. 308 00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:13,393 How do you read sadness into that? 309 00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,863 Look, Charlie, you're a smart guy. 310 00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:17,797 Emotionally? Ehh... 311 00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:21,401 But you gotta see what's going on here. 312 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:25,005 You're using this series of meaningless sexual liaisons 313 00:13:25,072 --> 00:13:28,375 to run away from your feelings about losing this woman. 314 00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:32,345 No. No. I'm sorry. I don't see it. 315 00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:33,914 Let's keep looking. 316 00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:35,648 What about my mom getting married? 317 00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:37,284 That can upset a fella. Right? 318 00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:41,054 Make him go all ancient Greek and poke his eyes out. 319 00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:42,990 Oh, come on, Charlie. 320 00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:45,893 You loved this woman, and I'd say you still love her. 321 00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:47,194 And, deep down, maybe you were hoping 322 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,996 someday you'd get back together. 323 00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:51,965 And the only reason you're not sitting here weeping 324 00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:55,368 is because it's too painful for you. 325 00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:01,208 I'm sorry. I... I...I just can't see it. 326 00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:06,213 You can't see it because your penis is in the way. 327 00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:09,917 Thank you. 328 00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:13,386 It's not a compliment, Charlie. 329 00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:15,989 Says you. 330 00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:20,994 Look, you-you have a very simple choice here. 331 00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:23,430 You can honestly confront these emotions 332 00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:25,532 and learn the lessons they bring, 333 00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:27,968 or you can drive yourself into an early grave 334 00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:30,303 with indiscriminate sex. 335 00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:35,642 Define "early." 336 00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:41,281 * Men. 337 00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:46,519 (short, forced attempt at crying) 338 00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:54,061 (another attempt at crying) 339 00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:57,764 What are you doing? 340 00:14:57,830 --> 00:15:01,101 Trying to feel my feelings. 341 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:04,704 Really. 342 00:15:04,771 --> 00:15:06,306 How's it going? 343 00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:09,109 Not well. 344 00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:12,212 (another attempt at crying) 345 00:15:14,982 --> 00:15:17,017 See? Nothing. No grief. 346 00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:19,919 What exactly are you trying to grieve over? 347 00:15:19,987 --> 00:15:22,122 Well, Mia's getting married. 348 00:15:22,189 --> 00:15:24,257 Wait, wait, wait. Mia? The one you weregoing to marry? 349 00:15:24,324 --> 00:15:28,895 Yeah. And my shrink thinks I'm pretty upset about it. 350 00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:30,930 Do you think you're upset about it? 351 00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:33,566 I don't know. 352 00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:35,002 I really did love her. 353 00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:35,969 I know you did. 354 00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:38,038 Yeah. Huh. 355 00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:39,706 I remember, this one time, 356 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,841 we were driving to Santa Barbara for the weekend, 357 00:15:41,908 --> 00:15:48,848 and... she just smiled at me, and I thought, man, 358 00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:50,984 I could spend the rest of my life with this woman. 359 00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:53,920 No problem. 360 00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:59,292 And then... then I... I lost her. 361 00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:01,328 And I... I don't... I don't think I'm going 362 00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:03,196 to find anybody like her again. 363 00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:04,464 What the hell is going on, Alan? 364 00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:06,666 This is good. This is good. 365 00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:08,635 You're... you're finally starting to feel your grief. 366 00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:11,071 And, and once you really feel it and accept it, 367 00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:13,073 you can get on with your life without Mia. 368 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:14,407 (crying): Really? 369 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,775 Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. Let it out. 370 00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:18,345 (stifled sobs) 371 00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:22,382 No. This is crap. 372 00:16:24,951 --> 00:16:26,453 Where you going? 373 00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:29,856 I just realized, I won't have to feel my feelings, 374 00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:32,892 and live without Mia if I just go get her back. 375 00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:34,627 That's your solution? 376 00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:36,363 Yeah. "Duh," right? 377 00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,767 "Duh," indeed. 378 00:16:45,272 --> 00:16:47,574 Forgot my doughnut. 379 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:51,711 You laugh, but it really does help. 380 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,448 * Men. 381 00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:59,352 Bride? Seen the bride? 382 00:16:59,419 --> 00:17:01,221 Got a delivery for the bride. 383 00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:03,190 I think she's in there. 384 00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:05,425 Thanks. There you go. 385 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:14,534 (overlapping chatter) 386 00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:15,902 You're so lucky. 387 00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:16,836 (chattering stops) 388 00:17:16,903 --> 00:17:17,937 Hey. 389 00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:20,773 Charlie! What are you doing here? 390 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,309 I came to get you back. 391 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,111 Are you out of your mind?! 392 00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:27,180 No, no. I got the idea from my shrink. 393 00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:31,284 Could you ladies give us a minute? 394 00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:34,687 Okay. One minute. 395 00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:36,123 Thanks. 396 00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,259 How are you? Looking good. 397 00:17:39,326 --> 00:17:42,095 Don't worry. Your big day will come. 398 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:46,899 Charlie, I'm getting married in an hour. 399 00:17:46,966 --> 00:17:48,268 So I'm not too late. 400 00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:50,002 Oh, you are so too late. 401 00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,771 Just hear me out. 402 00:17:51,838 --> 00:17:53,540 My God! What happened to you? 403 00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:54,907 No big deal. 404 00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:57,477 I just yanked a kid out of the way of a speeding bus. 405 00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,979 Got clipped by the side mirror. 406 00:18:00,046 --> 00:18:01,047 Okay, that's 407 00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:02,449 a bunch of crap. 408 00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:05,118 But this is the truth. 409 00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:09,822 Mia, I have never felt about any woman like I feel about you, 410 00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:12,459 and the thought of you marrying some other guy 411 00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:14,727 is... it's breaking my heart. 412 00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:18,165 So, I'm just going for broke here. 413 00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:21,534 Ow, ow, ow, ow! 414 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,637 Mia, I love you. 415 00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:27,140 I will always love you, and I want you to marry me. 416 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,909 Honey, the photographer wants 417 00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:31,744 to, uh... 418 00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:32,879 What's going on? 419 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,814 Daddy, I told you about Charlie Harper. 420 00:18:34,881 --> 00:18:36,249 Remember? 421 00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:38,451 Oh, good. I'm glad you're here, sir. 422 00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:41,254 I'd like to ask you for your daughter's... 423 00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:49,196 How much did you tell him? 424 00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:52,532 * Men. 425 00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,174 Thanks. 426 00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:03,910 You, uh, need some more ice for your jaw? 427 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:05,245 No. 428 00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:05,978 Your nose? 429 00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:06,846 Nah. 430 00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:09,015 How about the chestnuts? 431 00:19:09,081 --> 00:19:11,218 Resting comfortably, thanks. 432 00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:13,586 Okay. Well, uh... try to get some sleep. 433 00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:16,856 Alan? 434 00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:18,090 Yeah? 435 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,393 I learned something about myself. 436 00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:22,362 That you're a bleeder? 437 00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:25,565 I learned why I screw around so much. 438 00:19:25,632 --> 00:19:27,400 Really? 439 00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:28,401 Yep. 440 00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:30,637 I think I've spent my whole life 441 00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:36,075 trying to fill the empty space in myself by, you know... 442 00:19:36,142 --> 00:19:38,578 Filling the empty space in others? 443 00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:40,380 Exactly. 444 00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:42,482 That's quite an insight. 445 00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:44,984 Well, I'm deep in therapy now. 446 00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:47,019 You went for one hour, Charlie. 447 00:19:47,086 --> 00:19:48,521 50 minutes. 448 00:19:48,588 --> 00:19:50,623 It's kind of a racket. 449 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:54,494 But the point is, I've hit bottom. 450 00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:56,863 I can't keep going like this. 451 00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:58,931 It's time for me to grow up. 452 00:19:58,998 --> 00:20:02,835 I agree. So, uh... what are you going to do? 453 00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:06,239 Well, I thought I'd find some chick 454 00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:08,975 with a big heart and a tiny ass and marry her. 455 00:20:10,443 --> 00:20:12,144 Maybe that girl from the beach. 456 00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:14,046 She seemed nice. 457 00:20:14,113 --> 00:20:15,815 You're going to get married? 458 00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:18,385 Yep. Settle down, have a couple of kids, 459 00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:21,220 and ship the penis up to Cooperstown. 460 00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:23,723 Cooperstown? 461 00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:25,625 It is my bat. 462 00:20:25,692 --> 00:20:29,462 Well, sounds like you've got everything figured out. 463 00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:32,599 You don't ever figure this stuff out, Alan. 464 00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:34,567 You just take little baby steps 465 00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:37,737 on a lifelong path to becoming a better man. 466 00:20:37,804 --> 00:20:39,439 Uh-huh. 467 00:20:39,506 --> 00:20:42,074 How many pain pills have you taken? 468 00:20:42,141 --> 00:20:44,010 Nine. 469 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,246 Good night. 470 00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:50,783 Might not be a bad idea to check on me 471 00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:53,119 in an hour or so, make sure I'm still breathing. 472 00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:55,588 I always do. 473 00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:03,596 (sighing) 474 00:21:03,663 --> 00:21:06,333 (crying) 475 00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:10,603 Oh... Mia. 476 00:21:14,941 --> 00:21:17,276 Ow! My balls!