1 00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:06,240 Taste this. 2 00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:08,008 I don't need to taste it. 3 00:00:08,076 --> 00:00:10,211 It's a chocolate laxative. 4 00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:12,113 I think it needs more caramel. 5 00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:17,017 I'm telling you, Alan, 6 00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:18,419 one of these days that kid's gonna fart 7 00:00:18,486 --> 00:00:21,222 and birds are gonna fall out of the sky. 8 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,657 Funny. Uh, listen. 9 00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,293 How much is a hooker? 10 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:26,327 What? 11 00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:28,462 Alan, what are you gonna do with a hooker? 12 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:32,200 Well, I'd like to pay her to have sex with me. 13 00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:34,068 Yeah. But... Why? 14 00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:35,703 Well, I've been thinking... 15 00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:38,139 I don't have have a great track record with relationships, 16 00:00:38,206 --> 00:00:40,674 but I still have desires, so I figure-- 17 00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:43,244 why not simplify, get back to basics. 18 00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:44,845 No relationship, no disappointment, 19 00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:46,547 just sex. 20 00:00:46,614 --> 00:00:50,418 Well, sex with you, there's bound to be some disappointment. 21 00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:53,354 I mean, even with a hooker, 22 00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:55,089 money only buys you so much goodwill. 23 00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:57,158 But I don't have to care. 24 00:00:57,225 --> 00:00:59,327 Because it's a straight business transaction, 25 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,995 the only needs that are important are mine. 26 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,398 Hey, you don't have to sell me on it. 27 00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:07,368 I just never pictured you doing anything this. 28 00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:08,869 Me neither. But you know what's interesting? 29 00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:11,939 Once I decided to give up trying to live a moral life, 30 00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:13,574 I felt somehow free. 31 00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:16,510 Again, you don't have to sell me on it. 32 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:18,078 How much you looking to spend? 33 00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:21,315 Uh, well, as you know, I am a bit of a bargain hunter. 34 00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:25,953 Yeah, but, unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99-cent store. 35 00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:27,855 Give me a number. 36 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,089 Okay, well, um... 37 00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:33,494 What could I get in the $200 range? 38 00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:35,329 Crabs. 39 00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,799 And get carjacked. 40 00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:40,334 All right, then... 41 00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:41,969 why don't you give me a number. 42 00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:43,003 $1,500. 43 00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:44,538 For one night? 44 00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:45,806 For one hour. 45 00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:47,675 One hour?! 46 00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:50,144 I want sex, not surround sound. 47 00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:52,045 Trust me, it's worth it. 48 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:55,349 For that kind of money, you get the girlfriend experience. 49 00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:56,717 Haven't you been listening? 50 00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:58,786 I don't want the girlfriend experience. 51 00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:00,120 I want sex-- 52 00:02:00,188 --> 00:02:03,757 guiltless, emotionless, selfish sex. 53 00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:04,725 I understand. 54 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,294 At a reasonable price. 55 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:08,896 Got it. I'm make a few calls, see what I can do. 56 00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,164 That'd be good. 57 00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:12,032 And try to get a nonsmoker. 58 00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:13,801 Sure. 59 00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:17,605 Who wants a girl who would put one of those nasty things in her mouth? 60 00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:19,207 WOMAN: Charlie? 61 00:02:19,273 --> 00:02:20,741 Charlie Harper? 62 00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:22,776 Hey... How are you? 63 00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:24,945 Wow, how long has it been? 64 00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:26,113 Too long. 65 00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:27,415 This is my brother Alan. 66 00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,149 Hi. This is my daughter Milly. 67 00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:30,918 Hi, Milly. Hello, Milly. 68 00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:34,121 (mumbling): Boy, this is some killer crumb cake. 69 00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:34,922 Hello. 70 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:35,823 Hi. 71 00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:39,126 Ah. Milly, this is my son Jake; Jake, this is Milly. 72 00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:41,295 Want some cake? 73 00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:43,096 I don't eat sugar. 74 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,532 Oh, yeah, me neither, 75 00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:47,100 unless it's in like pies and cookies and stuff. 76 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,269 Whatever. 77 00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:49,337 Yeah, whatever. 78 00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:52,606 I play guitar; I'm in a band. 79 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:53,941 They're called The Dudes of Rockage-- 80 00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:56,344 heavy metal, classic rock kind of stuff. 81 00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:58,078 I'm into Gwen Stefani. 82 00:02:58,145 --> 00:02:59,913 Oh, yeah, they're great. 83 00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:03,083 You sure you don't want some cake? 84 00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:05,286 No, thanks. 85 00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:07,187 Oh, gee, we have to get going. 86 00:03:07,255 --> 00:03:10,891 Call me sometime, Charlie, maybe we can get together, have dinner and catch up. 87 00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:11,959 That would be great. 88 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,193 Do you still have my number? 89 00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:15,363 Uh... I'm-I'm sure I do, but... 90 00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:17,431 you know, just in case. 91 00:03:17,498 --> 00:03:20,133 WOMAN: Here you go. 92 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,134 Pleasure to meet you, Alan. 93 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:22,870 Same here. 94 00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:27,241 She seems nice. Who is she? 95 00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:30,278 I have no frickin' idea. 96 00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:32,513 I'll tell you who she is... 97 00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:35,516 the grandmother of my children. 98 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:40,588 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 99 00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:43,391 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 100 00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:46,727 Uncle Charlie? 101 00:03:46,794 --> 00:03:48,362 What? 102 00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:50,398 Could you do me a favor and call Milly's mom 103 00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:52,099 and find out if Milly likes me? 104 00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:54,167 But don't tell her I asked, 105 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,836 'cause I don't want to appear needy. 106 00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:57,871 I'm on it. 107 00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:05,446 You're not gonna do it, are you? 108 00:04:05,513 --> 00:04:08,449 What was your first clue? 109 00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:09,783 Come on. Why not? 110 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,285 Jake, buddy... 111 00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:13,887 I don't even remember who Milly's mom is. 112 00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:17,090 Calling her will put me in a very awkward position. 113 00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:18,426 More awkward than the time 114 00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:20,328 I had to pretend to be lost at the mall 115 00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:21,562 so you could meet the cute security guard? 116 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:23,931 Hey, we both benefited from that. 117 00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:25,232 How do you figure? 118 00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:27,901 I got a hot date and you got a hot pretzel. 119 00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:33,707 It was an excellent pretzel. 120 00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:37,611 Did you make the call? Geez! 121 00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:40,047 Everybody wants me to pimp for them. 122 00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:43,751 I might as well get myself an orange hat, 123 00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:45,986 platform shoes and a full-length fur coat. 124 00:04:46,053 --> 00:04:48,722 Hey, if anybody could pull it off, it'd be you. 125 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:49,957 (chuckles) 126 00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:52,025 Did you make the call? 127 00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:54,795 Here. Her name's Alexis. 128 00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,397 She's expecting to hear from you. 129 00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:59,467 Ooh. Alexis-- that-that's a pretty name. 130 00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,402 They all have pretty names, Alan. 131 00:05:01,469 --> 00:05:04,805 You'll meet a hooker named Maude. 132 00:05:04,872 --> 00:05:05,939 Right, right. So, uh... 133 00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:08,909 So exactly how much are we talking about? 134 00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:11,244 She's willing to throw you one for 500. 135 00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,846 Whoa. Uh, okay. 136 00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:15,749 Um... Can I put it on a credit card? 137 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:19,487 A credit card? 138 00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:22,022 Where are you planning to swipe it, Alan? 139 00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,724 All right, all right. 140 00:05:23,791 --> 00:05:26,960 I was just... hoping to get the miles. 141 00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:31,599 Forget the miles. 142 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:34,835 And remember, that 500 does not include the tip. 143 00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:36,370 I have to tip her? 144 00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:37,871 You know, in case there's something you want 145 00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:40,340 that might be considered... unusual. 146 00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:43,811 Oh, yeah. I'm gonna have to tip her. 147 00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:45,513 Hi. 148 00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:47,548 Oh... Hey, Berta. Hey, Berta. 149 00:05:47,615 --> 00:05:50,651 So what you're saying is that, uh, this is a... 150 00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:53,654 a la carte kind of deal, like a, like a steakhouse? 151 00:05:53,721 --> 00:05:54,955 What? 152 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:59,427 As opposed to a, uh... set menu or buffet style. 153 00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:01,562 Sure, whatever. 154 00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:04,197 Should I, uh, mention your name when I call? 155 00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:05,599 Absolutely. 156 00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:08,869 For every referral, I get a free travel mug. 157 00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:10,370 Terrific. 158 00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:11,839 Thank you, Charlie. 159 00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:13,441 Happy to help. 160 00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:16,176 Zippy getting a hooker? 161 00:06:16,243 --> 00:06:18,579 It would appear so. 162 00:06:18,646 --> 00:06:21,682 Boy, talk about earning your money. 163 00:06:23,350 --> 00:06:25,152 Look, all you got to do is call her mother, 164 00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:27,588 talk to her for a few minutes, then ask if Milly's there, 165 00:06:27,655 --> 00:06:29,557 and if she is, you hand me the phone. 166 00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:31,158 You're not going to let this go, are you? 167 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,826 Did you get a look at her? 168 00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:35,262 Jake, buddy, I don't even know her mother's name. 169 00:06:35,328 --> 00:06:38,532 So? You don't know the name of half the girls you bring over. 170 00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:40,968 First month I was here, you called me Jack. 171 00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:42,936 (sighs) 172 00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,304 All right. 173 00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:46,640 All right. I will call her, 174 00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:48,676 dance around the fact that I have no idea 175 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,778 who the hell she is, then I'll hand you the phone. 176 00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,179 Great. 177 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:54,682 Listen, as long as you're hooking people... Forget it. 178 00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,784 Aw, come on. I'm not picky, 179 00:06:56,850 --> 00:07:00,554 just find me a young Andy Griffith. 180 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,758 Just remember, I'm doing you a favor. 181 00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:06,393 Don't forget it in a few years 182 00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:08,496 when I ask you to change my diaper. 183 00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,063 Okay. 184 00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:11,632 Wait. What? 185 00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:14,535 Hey, hi. It's Charlie. 186 00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:16,904 Yeah, it was great to see you too. 187 00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:18,839 Listen, let me tell you why I'm calling... 188 00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:21,341 I'm sitting here with my nephew... 189 00:07:21,408 --> 00:07:23,711 Yeah, he does like his cake. 190 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:26,179 Remind her I'm in a band. 191 00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:27,781 Hang on. 192 00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:29,016 You gonna let me do this? 193 00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:30,518 You're rambling. 194 00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:31,985 Fine. 195 00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:33,754 It's all yours. 196 00:07:36,023 --> 00:07:37,725 Hello. 197 00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,693 Is... Is Milly there? 198 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,429 Oh, okay. Well, can you tell her that Jake Harper called-- 199 00:07:42,496 --> 00:07:44,097 the kid with the band? 200 00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:46,700 Really? 201 00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:48,301 Sure, I guess so. 202 00:07:48,368 --> 00:07:49,803 Okay, thanks. Bye. 203 00:07:49,870 --> 00:07:51,772 You and me are having dinner with them on Friday, 204 00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:53,907 so you can catch up. 205 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,376 You and me? 206 00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:59,613 Just don't clock block me, okay? 207 00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:04,284 "Clock block" you? 208 00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:05,986 That's not it? 209 00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:09,022 No, that's not it. 210 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,194 * Men! 211 00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:16,530 Jake, let's go! 212 00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:23,937 How do I look? 213 00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:25,973 Like you should be knocking on doors, 214 00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:29,009 asking people if they've heard the Good News! 215 00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:32,913 I already told all my friends I have a date. 216 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,749 I wasn't going to where the jacket, 217 00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:37,284 but the shirt has mustard on the back. 218 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,853 How did you get mustard on the back of your shirt? 219 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,756 A kid bet me I couldn't catch a hot dog behind my back. 220 00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:44,057 It turns out, I couldn't. 221 00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:45,392 (sighs) 222 00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:48,061 Is that what you're wearing? 223 00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,063 What's wrong with it? 224 00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:51,498 Nothing, it's fine. 225 00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:53,233 No, no. No, no, please, Mr. Blackwell, 226 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:54,835 I want your opinion. 227 00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:57,070 Well, would it kill you to tuck your shirt in? 228 00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:58,405 I would, but I just sat 229 00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:00,107 in some Thousand Island dressing. 230 00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:03,076 Been there, done that. 231 00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,613 Get in the car. 232 00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:07,447 Alan, we're leaving. 233 00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:08,916 Okay. Have fun. 234 00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:11,819 I'm going on a double date with Pumpkinhead-- 235 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,821 fun's not an option. 236 00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:16,023 Well, whatever. I know it means a lot to him. 237 00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:17,190 That's good... 238 00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,793 'cause his happiness is everything to me. 239 00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:21,361 Uh, uh, Charlie? Wait. 240 00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:22,996 Yeah. 241 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,965 Guess who's coming over tonight? 242 00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:27,100 Alexis. 243 00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:28,869 Good for you. 244 00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:31,271 But if you're planning to use that vegetable oil, 245 00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,106 it's probably going to run you an extra hundred. 246 00:09:34,842 --> 00:09:36,409 I'm making French fries. 247 00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:40,213 You know? Carb loading for my upcoming 60-minute dash. 248 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:41,815 My mistake. 249 00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:42,916 But I like how you think... 250 00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:45,152 kinky and heart smart. 251 00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:46,820 Right. 252 00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:48,488 Oh, wait, wait. One more thing. 253 00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:50,624 Is this like parking at the mall? 254 00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:51,825 What? 255 00:09:51,892 --> 00:09:53,493 If I go over five minutes, 256 00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:55,528 do I have to pay for a whole other hour? 257 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:58,866 No, it's like a tollbooth. 258 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,801 At the end of the hour, a gate comes down 259 00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:02,569 and lops off your penis. 260 00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:03,837 Have fun. 261 00:10:06,874 --> 00:10:08,942 Do me a favor, if you get a chance, 262 00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:11,144 ask Milly what her mother's name is. 263 00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:12,813 Why don't you ask her? 264 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,047 Because women don't like it 265 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,783 when you forget their names. 266 00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:18,118 Well, then why do you always do it? 267 00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:21,689 Why do you always eat pastrami when you know it gives you gas? 268 00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:24,424 'Cause I love pastrami. 269 00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:25,826 Well, there you go. 270 00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:28,528 But I always know it's called pastrami. 271 00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:30,163 Just ask her. 272 00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:31,498 Okay. 273 00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:32,900 Now, let's talk about your date. 274 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,002 You need to get your ducks in a row 275 00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:36,436 before we get to the restaurant. 276 00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:37,938 What do you mean? 277 00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:39,873 Well, if this little girl's important to you, 278 00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:41,574 it'd behoove you to have a plan. 279 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,610 "Behoove"? 280 00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:45,212 It would benefit you. 281 00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:46,814 Oh, yeah, sure. 282 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,415 What was that thing about ducks? 283 00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,217 It's just an expression. 284 00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:51,218 Well, it's confusing. 285 00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:52,285 Sorry. 286 00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:53,453 You can't get 'em in a row. 287 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,889 I know, I know. Now, just listen to me... 288 00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:57,590 They're ducks. Right. 289 00:10:57,657 --> 00:11:00,994 They move willy-nilly. 290 00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:02,195 Shut up. 291 00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:06,299 Whoa. It would behoove you to speak nicer to me. 292 00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:09,636 I swear to God, I will open the sunroof, 293 00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:11,238 pick you up with one hand 294 00:11:11,304 --> 00:11:13,340 and toss you into the carpool lane. 295 00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:16,844 You know, there's no reason 296 00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:20,080 we couldn't be in the carpool lane. 297 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:24,084 All right, all right, I'm listening. 298 00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:26,186 Thank you. 299 00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:28,155 Now, three rules. 300 00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:29,389 Number one: 301 00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:31,992 Dinner with a beautiful woman is never about food. 302 00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:34,194 I know, it's about making her like me. 303 00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:35,028 Very good. 304 00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:38,131 But there will be food, right? 305 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,666 Yes. 306 00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:42,002 'Cause I'm not at my best when I'm hungry. 307 00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:44,738 Jake, you need to focus here. 308 00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:47,340 It would behoove me to focus. 309 00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:52,379 Sorry. What are the other two rules? 310 00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:53,513 Number two: 311 00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,015 Eat with your mouth closed. 312 00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:58,285 Number three: Pray she has low self-esteem. 313 00:11:58,351 --> 00:12:00,187 Number three isn't a rule. 314 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:02,122 For you it is. 315 00:12:02,189 --> 00:12:04,892 Fine. Now let's go over my three rules. 316 00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:06,693 (snorts) You've got rules? 317 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,095 Number one: 318 00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:10,430 I'd like you not to call me Mr. Potato Head 319 00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:13,000 or SpongeBob SmearPants. 320 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,268 How about Sir Farts Alot? 321 00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:16,837 No. 322 00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:19,206 Number two: 323 00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:21,909 I'd think it'd be better if I call you Charlie 324 00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,276 rather than Uncle Charlie; 325 00:12:23,343 --> 00:12:25,345 so that way, we'd be more like equals. 326 00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,014 So if we're equals, 327 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,182 does that mean you're going to split the check with me? 328 00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:30,083 (chuckles) 329 00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:32,152 I knew you'd say that, Charlie. 330 00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:35,022 And number three? 331 00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:38,926 Oh, there was only two; I miscounted. 332 00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:44,798 * Roxanne 333 00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:48,101 * You don't have to put on the red light * 334 00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:50,137 * Those days are over 335 00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:54,341 * You don't have to sell your body to the night. * 336 00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:56,709 Oh, wait, you do. 337 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,912 (knocking on door) 338 00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:03,483 Here we go. 339 00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:05,986 Make me proud. 340 00:13:10,824 --> 00:13:12,926 Hey, Alan. 341 00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:16,229 Rose... oh, for God's sake. 342 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:17,697 Did Charlie put you up to this? 343 00:13:17,764 --> 00:13:18,999 What are you talking about? 344 00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:20,233 Charlie didn't put me up to anything. 345 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,869 Right. So, it's just a coincidence 346 00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:23,370 that I'm sitting here waiting for a prostitute 347 00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,906 and all of a sudden you show up at the front door? 348 00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:28,375 You're waiting for a prostitute? 349 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:30,743 No. 350 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,580 Oh, Alan, that's not like you. 351 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:36,316 Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times 352 00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:37,584 and you can't even bear the thought 353 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,119 of having an emotional connection 354 00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:40,988 with another human being, what else is there to do? 355 00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:43,390 A lot of people masturbate I hear. 356 00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:46,726 Really, I've heard them. 357 00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:49,062 Nevertheless, 358 00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:51,031 sometimes a man needs to feel something 359 00:13:51,098 --> 00:13:52,799 other than his own touch. 360 00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:55,903 Have you tried switching hands? 361 00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:59,106 It's like being with a clumsy stranger. 362 00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:01,841 Hi. 363 00:14:01,909 --> 00:14:04,544 Hi. You must be Alan's prostitute. 364 00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:06,146 I'm Rose. 365 00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:07,014 Hi, Rose. 366 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,481 Will you be joining us tonight? 367 00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:11,718 No. You'll just be doing Alan this evening. 368 00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:13,020 Good night, Rose. 369 00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:14,821 Good night. 370 00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:16,689 So, uh, come on in. 371 00:14:16,756 --> 00:14:17,757 Sorry I'm a little late. 372 00:14:17,824 --> 00:14:19,559 Oh, that's okay. 373 00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:22,595 As long as it doesn't come out of my, you know... 374 00:14:22,662 --> 00:14:24,031 winky-dink time. 375 00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:26,833 * Men... * 376 00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:28,635 Charlie, you haven't changed 377 00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:29,970 a bit in all these years. 378 00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:32,505 It has been years, hasn't it? 379 00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,841 How many years do you think it's been? 380 00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:37,177 I don't know, probably 12. 381 00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:38,311 Huh. 382 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:39,812 And how old are you, honey? 383 00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:40,981 Fourteen. 384 00:14:41,048 --> 00:14:42,315 Thank heaven. 385 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:46,486 (French accent): "For leetle girls." 386 00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:48,488 So, Milly, do you play dodgeball? 387 00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:49,189 No. 388 00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:50,790 I enjoy it quite a bit 389 00:14:50,857 --> 00:14:51,992 because it's just man against man, 390 00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:53,460 but with big red balls. 391 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:57,630 (pig Latin): Ix-nay on the allsbay. 392 00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:58,798 What? 393 00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:00,433 Just don't say balls. 394 00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:03,570 So... 395 00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:07,640 are you... living in the same place? 396 00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:08,841 Yeah, still in my condo. 397 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,710 Right, the condo. 398 00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:12,112 Boy, that takes me back. 399 00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:13,947 I don't think you were ever there. 400 00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:16,249 That's what I meant. 401 00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:21,621 It takes me back to not being there. 402 00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,325 The thing about dodge... 403 00:15:26,526 --> 00:15:29,262 ...round things, is the thrill of competition 404 00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:30,830 and the deep satisfaction you get 405 00:15:30,897 --> 00:15:33,166 when you see a kid's retainer fly out of his mouth 406 00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:34,968 when he takes one to the face. 407 00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:36,136 I hate dodgeball. 408 00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:37,470 It's too violent. 409 00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:39,006 You're right, it sucks. 410 00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:44,577 Milly enjoys painting and writing poetry. 411 00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:45,979 You know, like me. 412 00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:46,913 Of course I know. 413 00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:48,615 How could I not know? 414 00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:52,219 So, are you still doing the whole art thing? 415 00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:53,286 What do you mean? 416 00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:55,822 I mean the thing you used to do 417 00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:58,591 with the art... and the poetry. 418 00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:01,594 Milly, did Jake tell you he's in a band? 419 00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:04,031 Yeah, I'm in a band. 420 00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:09,269 (sotto voce): I don't think she has low self-esteem. 421 00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,272 * Men... * 422 00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:15,142 Shall we take care of business before we get started? 423 00:16:15,208 --> 00:16:16,909 Oh, oh, absolutely. 424 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,146 No... no money, no honey. 425 00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:22,482 No... no lootie, no bootie. 426 00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:27,120 No cash advance, I'm not in your pants. 427 00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:30,590 That was $400, right? 428 00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:31,591 Five. 429 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:32,892 Oh, of course. 430 00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:35,128 Why did I think it was four? 431 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:38,798 Thanks. 432 00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:40,967 So, Alan... 433 00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:42,935 what do you like? 434 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,471 Oh, just about anything. 435 00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:45,572 I'm not finicky. 436 00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:48,041 Ooh, no limits, huh? 437 00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:50,777 Well, you know, I'm not into animals or... 438 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:53,980 anything near my keister. 439 00:16:54,047 --> 00:16:56,883 Okay, come here. 440 00:16:56,949 --> 00:16:59,018 Let's get comfy. 441 00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:00,887 Oh, all righty. 442 00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,489 Ooh... 443 00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:07,794 Oh, baby, you really turn me on. 444 00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:09,829 Uh, uh, hang on a sec. What? 445 00:17:09,896 --> 00:17:12,865 I'm a little bumped by that "turn me on" part. 446 00:17:12,932 --> 00:17:14,301 I mean, I want believe you, 447 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,203 but I've been with enough women to know 448 00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:18,205 that it doesn't happen that fast. 449 00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:21,374 Sometimes it doesn't happen at all. 450 00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:24,077 Honey, I would not lie to you. 451 00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:26,279 No, no, of course not. Why would you lie to me? 452 00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:28,781 But... 453 00:17:28,848 --> 00:17:31,318 I'm just saying, it-it would help 454 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,052 if you could tone down the narration 455 00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,722 to a more believable level. 456 00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:37,357 All right. 457 00:17:38,258 --> 00:17:40,327 Mm... Oh. 458 00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:43,930 Mm, you are the best kisser. 459 00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:45,898 Okay, again... 460 00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:49,469 I happen to know for a fact that I'm not the best kisser. 461 00:17:49,536 --> 00:17:51,338 Okay, I'm a little confused here. 462 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,506 I'm just not buying it. 463 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:56,709 And since I am buying it, I should be able to buy it. 464 00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,979 All you have to do is tell the truth. 465 00:18:00,046 --> 00:18:01,848 There's no need for hyperbole. 466 00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,350 All right. Okay. Okay. 467 00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:05,352 Mm... 468 00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:09,756 Oh, Alan, your lips are so... 469 00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:13,126 thin and dry. 470 00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:17,096 Okay, now we're cookin'. 471 00:18:17,164 --> 00:18:18,698 * Men... * 472 00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,500 I think competitive eating really changed 473 00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:22,935 when that Japanese guy started wetting the hot dog buns. 474 00:18:23,002 --> 00:18:27,507 I actually figured out that trick myself... by accident. 475 00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:31,978 So... how are your folks doing? 476 00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:34,013 That's not funny, Charlie. 477 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:37,049 No, I-I-I meant, how are they doing... 478 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,185 in heaven? 479 00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:39,886 What are you talking about? 480 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,154 Hell? 481 00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:43,790 Are you referring to their divorce? 482 00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:44,591 Yes, I am. 483 00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:45,725 And divorce is hell. 484 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:47,460 But after awhile it can be like heaven. 485 00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:49,196 You know, you're even prettier than I remember. 486 00:18:49,262 --> 00:18:50,763 Thank you. 487 00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:53,366 And you are just as charming as the first time we met. 488 00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:54,801 Oh, you don't remember that. 489 00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:56,769 I sure do-- it was a really hot day in July... 490 00:18:56,836 --> 00:18:58,771 In my opinion, the hot dog eaters 491 00:18:58,838 --> 00:18:59,906 are amateurs. 492 00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,408 The guys who do pork ribs and spaghetti, 493 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,476 they're the real athletes. 494 00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:07,013 Hey, hey, hey, the lady's talking here. 495 00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:10,250 Oh, right-- Milly, Charlie wants to know what your mom's name is. 496 00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:14,487 You don't remember my name? 497 00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:16,823 What? Of course I do. 498 00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:19,058 You're gonna listen to "SpongeBob SmearPants"? 499 00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:20,260 (giggles) 500 00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:22,862 Oh, you want play like that, huh? 501 00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:26,032 Mister... Drunky-face. 502 00:19:26,098 --> 00:19:27,133 What's my name, Charlie? 503 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:28,201 Just a sec. 504 00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:30,036 How's your lobster, sweetheart? 505 00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:32,439 You need more butter, 'cause there's plenty on Jake's shirt. 506 00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:36,175 You have no idea what my name is, do you? 507 00:19:36,243 --> 00:19:38,177 He doesn't have a clue. 508 00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:40,947 Okay, okay, okay, I'm not good with names, 509 00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:43,115 but I'll never forget the passionate nights 510 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:44,351 we spent together. 511 00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,185 We never spent the night together. 512 00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:47,620 We didn't? No. 513 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,689 Well, no wonder I don't remember you. 514 00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:52,225 Come on, honey, we're leaving. 515 00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,193 No, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait. 516 00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:56,062 I gotta know... 517 00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:58,164 who the hell are you? 518 00:19:58,231 --> 00:20:00,433 Nice going. 519 00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:03,035 Me? You're putting this on me? 520 00:20:03,102 --> 00:20:04,537 Can I bring you anything else? 521 00:20:04,604 --> 00:20:09,609 Yeah, get me a bottle of scotch, a taxi and a smarter kid. 522 00:20:09,676 --> 00:20:11,711 Can I have a chocolate mousse, please. 523 00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:15,248 * Men... * 524 00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:16,883 ALAN: Oh, come on. 525 00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:18,117 I just said I can't believe 526 00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:19,919 I'm the biggest you've ever seen. 527 00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:23,155 I mean, I'm not even the biggest I've ever seen 528 00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,057 and I haven't seen that many. 529 00:20:25,124 --> 00:20:26,926 I'm sorry, I have to go. 530 00:20:26,993 --> 00:20:28,361 Why? I have a headache. 531 00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:31,197 I can work with that-- I was married for 12 years. 532 00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:32,231 Here's your money. 533 00:20:32,299 --> 00:20:34,367 Don't ever call me again. 534 00:20:38,305 --> 00:20:41,441 Okay. Second base for free. 535 00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,778 * Men... * 536 00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:53,853 (sighs) 537 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,188 (sputters) 538 00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:59,492 (belches) 539 00:20:59,559 --> 00:21:04,096 So, are either of you gonna tell me how it went tonight? 540 00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:05,632 Ask your bubbleheaded son. 541 00:21:05,698 --> 00:21:08,735 Ask your butt-headed brother. 542 00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:10,437 You know what? 543 00:21:10,503 --> 00:21:12,405 I'm not that interested. 544 00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:13,640 I'm going to bed. 545 00:21:14,741 --> 00:21:16,376 Oh, no, stay. 546 00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:19,579 I so enjoy your company. 547 00:21:22,081 --> 00:21:25,017 So, how'd it go with Alexis? 548 00:21:25,084 --> 00:21:27,487 Well, uh, I don't want to brag, 549 00:21:27,554 --> 00:21:30,557 but, uh, she wouldn't take my money.