1
00:00:01,202 --> 00:00:03,204
Not only did that movie suck,
it blew chunks,

2
00:00:03,271 --> 00:00:06,074
bit the big one, and then came
back and sucked again.

3
00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:07,508
Did you pay for it?

4
00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:10,010
Yeah. With an hour and
a half of my childhood

5
00:00:10,078 --> 00:00:11,212
that I'll never get back.

6
00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:15,883
Hey, I've seen your childhood.
It's not a big loss.

7
00:00:15,949 --> 00:00:17,218
You said you wanted to see it.

8
00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:18,452
Because it was rated R.

9
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,388
But there wasn't a
single boob in it.

10
00:00:21,889 --> 00:00:23,091
You were there.

11
00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,492
Oh, my God.

12
00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:26,894
I know. And he talks to
me that way all the time.

13
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,497
That's Cynthia Sullivan.

14
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:31,799
Who's Cynthia Sullivan?

15
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,767
She and her husband used to be
friends with me and Judith.

16
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,236
Yeah, so?

17
00:00:35,303 --> 00:00:37,338
Well, I haven't seen her since
Judith and I split up.

18
00:00:37,405 --> 00:00:38,772
I-I don't know if I
should say hello.

19
00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:40,908
They kind of took Judith's
side in the divorce.

20
00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:44,112
Wait a minute.
We're allowed
to take sides?

21
00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:47,715
Nobody told me.
Is it too late?

22
00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:49,317
That's not funny, Charlie.

23
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:52,586
He's very hurtful
to everybody, and for no reason.

24
00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:54,688
CYNTHIA:
Alan?

25
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:56,724
Oh, hey, Cynthia.

26
00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:57,725
Hi!

27
00:00:57,791 --> 00:00:58,859
Wow, what a nice surprise.

28
00:00:58,926 --> 00:01:00,060
How are you?
Just great.

29
00:01:00,128 --> 00:01:02,330
It's been a long time.

30
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,565
Hi, Jake. Look how
big you're getting.

31
00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:06,134
It's called puberty.

32
00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:08,302
It's called donuts.

33
00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:12,072
Donuts don't make hair.

34
00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:18,011
Uh, Cynthia, this is
my brother Charlie.

35
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,180
Hello.
Hi.

36
00:01:19,247 --> 00:01:20,614
Uh, Cynthia and
her husband were

37
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,116
good friends with
me and Judith

38
00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:24,452
back when we were,
you know, me and Judith.

39
00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:26,254
And when we were
me and Bill.

40
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:27,821
What? Oh, you're not
with Bill anymore?

41
00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:30,224
No. You know, we decided to
finally stop kidding ourselves.

42
00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:31,292
You know how it is.

43
00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:32,660
I-I certainly do.

44
00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:33,761
No, you don't.

45
00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:36,630
Of course I do.

46
00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:39,733
Cynthia, did you get the
house in the divorce?

47
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:41,702
Yes.
So you're not
currently sleeping

48
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:42,736
on your brother's
hide-a-bed?

49
00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:43,771
No.

50
00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:45,206
You don't know how it is.

51
00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:48,909
Again, completely unmotivated.

52
00:01:48,976 --> 00:01:53,314
Well, okay, it was really nice
to see you again, Alan.

53
00:01:53,381 --> 00:01:55,216
We should get together
sometime and catch up.

54
00:01:55,283 --> 00:01:56,250
Yeah, that would be nice.

55
00:01:56,317 --> 00:01:59,320
Nice meeting you.
Bye, Jake.

56
00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:02,790
You dog.

57
00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:03,457
What?

58
00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:04,792
Oh, come on.

59
00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:06,894
The full-frontal hug,
the "let's get together."

60
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:10,664
Isn't that like soccer
mom talk for "do me
in the cul-de-sac"?

61
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:13,133
(snickering)

62
00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:16,103
What are you
snickering at?

63
00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:18,606
Oh, tell me
that's not dirty.

64
00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:21,842
Go get us a table.
Come on.

65
00:02:21,909 --> 00:02:23,544
Charlie, you don't
understand.

66
00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:26,380
She and her husband were our
best friends for like ten years.

67
00:02:26,447 --> 00:02:28,816
We-We traveled together,
we spent vacations together...

68
00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:31,219
And you never once fantasized
about boinking her?

69
00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:34,888
She was Judith's friend.
I was her husband's friend.

70
00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:36,156
Of course I did.

71
00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:41,329
Yeah, hi.
Two regular coffees, please

72
00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:43,331
and, uh, one...

73
00:02:43,397 --> 00:02:46,700
chocolate crappuccino with
whipped cream and sprinkles.

74
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:50,471
Well, here's your chance to
fulfill your fantasy.

75
00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:52,673
Oh, no, no, I couldn't.
Why not?

76
00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:55,142
Well, for one thing, I don't
want to upset Judith.
They're still friends.

77
00:02:55,209 --> 00:02:58,846
Alan, the fact that you're still
drawing breath upsets Judith.

78
00:02:58,912 --> 00:03:00,381
Regardless, I-I couldn't
go out with Cynthia

79
00:03:00,448 --> 00:03:02,115
without clearing it
with her first.

80
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,184
Meow. (imitates
whip crack)

81
00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:06,354
I am not whipped.

82
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,789
What if the positions
were reversed?

83
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,891
Like, uh, like Judith was single
and wanted to date you.

84
00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:13,627
I would certainly want her
to check with me before I,

85
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,230
you know, blew
my brains out.

86
00:03:17,765 --> 00:03:20,368
Is that all it would take?
What's her number?

87
00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:23,804
Where did you get that?

88
00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,506
I found it on the table.

89
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,079
Oh, Jake...

90
00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:36,216
It's okay, I'm eating on the
side without teeth marks.

91
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:40,821
Puberty, my ass.
That's a missing chromosome.

92
00:03:42,490 --> 00:03:45,326
No, I'm pretty sure
it's a bear claw.

93
00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:48,095
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

94
00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:51,665
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh

95
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:54,635
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh

96
00:03:54,702 --> 00:03:56,737
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

97
00:03:56,804 --> 00:03:59,139
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

98
00:03:59,206 --> 00:04:02,510
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

99
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:07,281
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.

100
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,523
I gotta go
to the bathroom.

101
00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:20,060
Please tell me you didn't let
him eat a lot of crap.

102
00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:21,061
Let him?

103
00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:23,664
Judith, our son is a billy goat.

104
00:04:24,732 --> 00:04:26,166
I wouldn't be surprised if he's

105
00:04:26,233 --> 00:04:27,768
in there pooping out tin cans.

106
00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:29,036
Lovely.

107
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:32,039
Uh, wait, Judith, I wanted to
ask you something.

108
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,441
What?

109
00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:35,409
Well, uh, we were just
having coffee,

110
00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:37,177
and I happened to run into...

111
00:04:37,244 --> 00:04:39,313
Charlie, can you give
us a minute?

112
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:41,882
No, I wanna
watch this.

113
00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:43,984
Why?

114
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:46,620
I think it might amuse me.

115
00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:50,223
Yeah, well, seek
amusement elsewhere.

116
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,693
Fine, I'll go
talk to Herb.

117
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:55,829
Of all Judith's husbands
he's my favorite, anyway.

118
00:04:58,432 --> 00:04:59,967
You know, Jake's right.

119
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:01,369
Sometimes you can be hurtful

120
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,837
for no reason at all.

121
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:06,039
So who did you run into?

122
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:07,375
Oh, uh...
Cynthia Sullivan.

123
00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:09,009
Okay, so?

124
00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:12,713
Uh, well, I know you're still
friends, and I was wondering

125
00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:16,116
if you'd be okay
if I... asked her out.

126
00:05:16,183 --> 00:05:18,519
Fine.
Really?

127
00:05:18,586 --> 00:05:20,788
Sure. You're both adults,
you're both single,

128
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:23,323
and most importantly, she won't
go out with you.

129
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:25,993
How do you know?

130
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:27,027
I know.

131
00:05:27,094 --> 00:05:28,729
Has she said something to you?

132
00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:30,698
No. But you're not her type.

133
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:32,400
Oh, really?
What is her type?

134
00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:33,734
Well, like her ex-husband.

135
00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:37,004
Smart, funny, sensitive,
good-looking.

136
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,407
And that's not me?

137
00:05:39,473 --> 00:05:42,042
No, no...
You can be funny.

138
00:05:42,109 --> 00:05:45,245
Okay, okay, but if she did
agree to go out with me,

139
00:05:45,312 --> 00:05:46,580
you'd be okay with that?

140
00:05:46,647 --> 00:05:48,248
I would, but she won't.
But if she did?

141
00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:49,016
She won't.
She might.

142
00:05:49,082 --> 00:05:50,050
She won't.

143
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,423
You know, Charlie's
not the only one

144
00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:57,758
who can be hurtful
for no reason!

145
00:05:57,825 --> 00:06:01,529
You know, Herb, that
is a fine, fine hat.

146
00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:02,830
Gotta wear it.

147
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:05,165
Otherwise, I freckle
like a banana.

148
00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:10,170
Well, I wouldn't want your
banana to get freckled.

149
00:06:10,237 --> 00:06:11,171
Let's go, Charlie.

150
00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:12,906
Hang on, hang on.

151
00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:15,008
We're having a real
interesting conversation here.

152
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:17,511
Hey, Herb, tell Alan

153
00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:19,379
what you told me about
how you plant seeds.

154
00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:23,116
Well, first, I make sure
the soil is moist.

155
00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:24,351
Uh-huh.

156
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:26,019
And tell him
how you do that.

157
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:30,023
Well, I just stick my finger
into old Mother Earth.

158
00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:34,462
If it comes up dry,
I just whip out my hose

159
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:36,163
and give it a good spritz.

160
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,898
And then?

161
00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:40,734
Then I carefully plant the seed
in the soil.

162
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:43,203
Carefully?
Why carefully?

163
00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:45,939
Well, because if you just
fling that stuff around,

164
00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:47,908
half of it's wasted.

165
00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:52,245
You hear that, Alan?

166
00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:55,082
If you fling your seed
around, it gets wasted.

167
00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:56,984
Fascinating.
Let's go.

168
00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:58,919
Now hold on, hold on.

169
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:03,090
How do you feel
about bushes, Herb?

170
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:07,127
Well, I like a full bush.

171
00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:11,732
The way God intended.

172
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:16,036
I like 'em trimmed.

173
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,237
What about you, Alan?

174
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:19,006
We're going.
Bye, Herb.

175
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,340
Bye, fellas.

176
00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:22,442
Why do you do
that to him?

177
00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:24,177
It amuses me.

178
00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:27,581
* Men...

179
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:28,448
(TV playing)

180
00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:29,617
ALAN:
Oh, great.

181
00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:31,819
So I will pick you up
tonight at 7:00.

182
00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:34,154
Yeah, yeah, I'm-I'm really
looking forward to it.

183
00:07:34,221 --> 00:07:36,490
Okay, okay, bye.

184
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,226
Ha!

185
00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:41,428
Ha?

186
00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:42,863
Yes, ha!

187
00:07:42,930 --> 00:07:45,499
Judith said Cynthia
wouldn't go out with me,

188
00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:48,536
and she was wrong, so... Ha!

189
00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:50,604
Hey, I told you she'd go out
with you.

190
00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:53,273
And you were right, sir.
I ignore you at my own peril

191
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:56,710
when it comes to women, liquor
and venereal disease.

192
00:07:58,378 --> 00:08:00,280
Then listen to me now.

193
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:01,348
(broadcast stops)

194
00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:03,416
Be prepared for sex tonight.

195
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:05,519
Sex? It's... it's a first date.

196
00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:07,821
Not really.
You and Cynthia are old friends.

197
00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:09,957
You know each other,
and you like each other.

198
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:11,859
You might as well smell like
each other.

199
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:14,361
No, I don't think so.
Not Cynthia.

200
00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:16,263
Not Cynthia?

201
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:17,965
Alan, the woman's pushing 40.

202
00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:20,701
She's coming off a divorce and
praying that her looks hold out

203
00:08:20,768 --> 00:08:22,469
long enough so she can snag some
pathetic loser

204
00:08:22,536 --> 00:08:25,005
she wouldn't have been caught
dead with five years ago.

205
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,576
Oh, boy,
I'm getting laid tonight!

206
00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:30,343
(chuckles)

207
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:32,112
I'm saying.

208
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:34,414
Oh, I wish I could rub
Judith's nose in this.

209
00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:36,950
That would be a huge "ha!"

210
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,319
Don't worry, Judith'll find out.

211
00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:41,221
Are you gonna tell her?

212
00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:42,122
No.

213
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,791
Would you?

214
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:47,460
Alan, Cynthia will tell her.

215
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:48,929
Oh, right, right.
They're friends.

216
00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:50,831
More importantly,
they're women.

217
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:53,767
And you know how they are--
blah, blah, blah.

218
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:56,303
They tell each
other everything.

219
00:08:56,369 --> 00:09:00,240
Trust me, it'll be like
Judith is watching every
move you make tonight.

220
00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:03,410
Every move?

221
00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:05,012
So bring your A-game.

222
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:06,113
Right, right.

223
00:09:06,179 --> 00:09:07,781
(chuckles)

224
00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:13,386
What if I don't have an A-game?

225
00:09:13,453 --> 00:09:15,022
You'd better find one,

226
00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:17,557
'cause you don't wanna get
yanked off the mound.

227
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:25,565
Huh.

228
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:27,968
Where you going?

229
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:30,103
To warm up the
ol' pitching arm.

230
00:09:31,639 --> 00:09:33,974
I'm using a metaphor.

231
00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:35,976
So am I.

232
00:09:38,646 --> 00:09:40,380
* Men...

233
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:43,984
Oh, Alan, I have fantasized
about this for so long.

234
00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:46,319
Me, too. Ever since we
all went to Disneyworld

235
00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:48,922
and you wore that white
t-shirt on Splash Mountain.

236
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:51,959
Are you sure this isn't
going too fast?

237
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:54,762
Not a chance. I've been warming
up all afternoon.

238
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:58,131
JUDITH:
Oh, real smooth, Alan.

239
00:09:58,198 --> 00:09:59,900
Go ahead. I'm just
gonna sit here

240
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:02,369
and watch every
move you make.

241
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,007
* Men...

242
00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:10,678
* Men.

243
00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:13,781
Oh, Alan, that
was remarkable!

244
00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:16,884
(chuckling)

245
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:19,486
Remarkable good, right?

246
00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,655
Oh, yeah.

247
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:30,097
Eh!

248
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:34,267
I have to admit,

249
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:37,104
I was a little worried
that this might be awkward.

250
00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:38,271
How come?

251
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,607
Well, I mean, you know,
I am friends with Judith.

252
00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:42,209
We do talk.

253
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:43,476
No kidding?

254
00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:44,778
Well, the next
time you talk,

255
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:48,215
be sure you use
the word "remarkable."

256
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:51,051
Alan, I'm not like that.

257
00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:52,720
I mean, I believe
in discretion.

258
00:10:52,786 --> 00:10:54,922
Really? I think
it's overrated.

259
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,489
Go ahead, tell her.

260
00:10:56,556 --> 00:10:58,125
No.

261
00:10:58,191 --> 00:11:01,461
In fact, you know, I wish Judith
had a little more discretion.

262
00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:03,196
What do you mean?

263
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:06,734
Well, she just goes on and on
about her sex life with Herb.

264
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:11,071
Big Bird's
pretty boring, huh?

265
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:15,208
No. I mean, the way she tells
it, he is an amazing lover.

266
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:19,079
Yeah, that's what
I thought... Wait.

267
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:23,116
Wait, wait. Herb Melnick
is an amazing lover?

268
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:25,352
Yeah. She said he's the best
that she's ever had.

269
00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:33,160
No. No. That... that...
that can't possibly be right.

270
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:35,028
How can that be?

271
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:38,698
Well, apparently he's just...

272
00:11:38,766 --> 00:11:40,901
No. I can't go into that.

273
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:43,270
Sure, you can. Go ahead.

274
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:45,305
No. It wouldn't be right.

275
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:49,276
I'm sorry. Just
forget I said anything.

276
00:11:55,949 --> 00:11:59,119
Best she's ever had.

277
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:08,728
* Men.

278
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:22,943
Oh, Herb, you're the
best I've ever had.

279
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:28,648
Morning.

280
00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:29,716
Morning.

281
00:12:29,783 --> 00:12:33,153
So, how did it go last night?

282
00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:36,089
You were right. We had sex.

283
00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:42,029
Then why the long face,
Seabiscuit?

284
00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:47,767
You're so much better
than the only other man
I've ever been with.

285
00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:52,505
I've just got something
on my mind.

286
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:54,741
Like what?

287
00:12:54,808 --> 00:12:57,310
I had no idea
what I was missing.

288
00:12:59,947 --> 00:13:01,781
Forget it.

289
00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:09,289
Oh, come on.
What's bothering you?

290
00:13:09,356 --> 00:13:10,590
Nothing. I'm fine.

291
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:12,860
Oh!

292
00:13:17,697 --> 00:13:19,867
Oh, come on!

293
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:25,505
Come on, what?

294
00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:29,709
In what universe is Herb Melnick
a better lover than me?

295
00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:31,411
Herb Melnick?

296
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:34,414
I thought you had sex
with Cynthia last night.

297
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,416
I did.
But you know what she told me?

298
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:37,817
That Judith told her

299
00:13:37,885 --> 00:13:40,187
that Herb was the best lover
she's ever had.

300
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:44,657
How does that come up
while you're boffing Cynthia?

301
00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:46,126
What difference does it make?

302
00:13:46,193 --> 00:13:48,428
I'm just trying
to picture the context.

303
00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:50,998
"Oh, Cynthia,
I am so turned on right now!

304
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:52,799
I wonder how Herb does it
to Judith."

305
00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:54,301
No, it wasn't like that.

306
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:57,204
Okay, was it, like,
"Golly, you have firm buttocks.

307
00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:59,839
You know who else has
a nice ass? Herb Melnick."

308
00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:02,775
I didn't bring up the subject
of Herb's sexual prowess.

309
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,111
Cynthia did.

310
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,846
Oh, that's never a good sign.

311
00:14:06,914 --> 00:14:09,449
15 years Judith and
I were together--

312
00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:10,650
12 years of marriage--

313
00:14:10,717 --> 00:14:13,186
and the best sex we
ever had was mediocre.

314
00:14:13,253 --> 00:14:15,822
If you were having bad sex,
why did you marry her?

315
00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:17,790
What kind of stupid question
is that?

316
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:20,027
I told you,
we were having sex.

317
00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:23,096
But she never
enjoyed it.

318
00:14:23,163 --> 00:14:24,764
Certainly never
sought it out.

319
00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:26,166
Then Herb Melnick comes along

320
00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:28,101
with his tousled hair
and goofy charm

321
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:30,938
and lights her up
like an all-night liquor store.

322
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:34,174
Huh.

323
00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:36,876
So you're saying...
Farmer Herb is tilling soil

324
00:14:36,944 --> 00:14:39,179
you couldn't even
get your hoe into.

325
00:14:39,246 --> 00:14:41,648
M-My hoe?

326
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:44,651
Yeah, you know,
with an "E"? Hoe.

327
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:46,153
Fine. Yes.

328
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,688
And it's bothering you to know
that night after night

329
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:51,191
he's planting
a tree in Israel.

330
00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:53,994
And by Israel, I mean Judith.

331
00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:56,096
Yes.

332
00:14:56,163 --> 00:14:57,330
And, by tree, I mean...

333
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,266
I know what you mean.
Okay? I get it.

334
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:00,968
God! Why do you do this to me?

335
00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:04,071
Haven't I made that clear?
It amuses me.

336
00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:05,505
Well, it's driving me nuts.

337
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,840
I mean, what's his secret?
How does he do it?

338
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,577
Maybe he's got
a big trouser monkey.

339
00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:13,846
Have you been listening
this whole time?

340
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,682
Wouldn't you?

341
00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:18,351
You think she's right?

342
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:20,253
You think he's
just well-endowed?

343
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:21,254
He could be.

344
00:15:21,321 --> 00:15:23,123
He's what, six four?
Got big hands.

345
00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:24,591
If everything else
is proportional,

346
00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:27,760
I'm guessing he could ring
doorbells with that thing.

347
00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:29,762
You're not helping.

348
00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:31,564
I rarely do.

349
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:34,434
Oh, come on, Alan, you're
looking at this the wrong way.

350
00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:35,202
What do you mean?

351
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,403
Well...

352
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,205
you're seeing your
ex-wife as half empty.

353
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:39,772
But with Herb
in the picture...

354
00:15:39,839 --> 00:15:41,374
Shut up.

355
00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:46,046
Oh, get a room.

356
00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:49,616
* Men...

357
00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:51,018
Oh, Alan!

358
00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:52,319
Oh, Cynthia!

359
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:53,953
JUDITH:
Oh, Herb!

360
00:15:54,821 --> 00:15:57,657
Hey, buddy.

361
00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:00,460
Okay, I can't do this.

362
00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:02,562
Well, wh-what's
the matter?

363
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:05,265
I got to know-- what
makes Herb the best
Judith's ever had?

364
00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:06,899
I thought we settled this.

365
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,235
Yeah, but it's
driving me crazy.

366
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:09,969
I mean, is it just
physical endowment?

367
00:16:10,037 --> 00:16:11,704
What?!

368
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:15,608
You know, can he put
a hat on it and drive
in the carpool lane?

369
00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:18,878
I am not gonna repeat
what a friend said
to me in confidence.

370
00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:20,247
Don't give me that--
you're a woman.

371
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:21,881
That's all you guys do--
blah, blah, blah.

372
00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:22,882
(groans)

373
00:16:22,949 --> 00:16:24,384
You know what I think?

374
00:16:24,451 --> 00:16:26,619
I think that you're
still not over Judith.

375
00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:28,488
Oh, please,
I don't care about Judith.

376
00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:31,824
I just... I can't wrap my head
around Herb's penis.

377
00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:33,960
Okay, I just realized

378
00:16:34,027 --> 00:16:36,563
why your marriage ended.
Why?

379
00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:40,567
Because something
is very wrong with you.

380
00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:42,569
(door closes)

381
00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:44,837
Oh, that.

382
00:16:44,904 --> 00:16:47,107
I think you
should go home.

383
00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:49,476
But-but you said
I was remarkable.

384
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:51,211
Get out!

385
00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:54,414
Fine.

386
00:16:59,952 --> 00:17:02,089
Okay, I'll see
you guys at home.

387
00:17:03,423 --> 00:17:04,924
* Men.

388
00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:08,761
* Oh, I come from Alabama
with a banjo on my knee *

389
00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:12,365
* Gonna grow tomatoes,
and I've got some baby peas. *

390
00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:15,602
Hey, fellas.

391
00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:17,003
Hey.

392
00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:17,937
Here to pick up Jake?

393
00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:19,106
Yeah.

394
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:20,940
Another weekend
with the boy.

395
00:17:21,007 --> 00:17:22,642
Gonna take him to the movies.

396
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,311
Oh. Okay.

397
00:17:26,012 --> 00:17:27,280
Well, he's
waiting for you.

398
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:28,915
Oh, great. Great.

399
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:30,283
Yeah. Come on, Alan.

400
00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:34,854
I didn't see anything,
did you?

401
00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:36,489
Nothing jumped out at me.

402
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:40,960
I just don't get it--
what is his secret?

403
00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:43,062
Maybe he doesn't
have a secret.

404
00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:44,731
What do you mean?
(rings doorbell)

405
00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:48,268
I mean, you didn't set the bar
too high to begin with.

406
00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:50,470
It's like Judith
spent 15 years

407
00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:52,272
living on peanut
butter and jelly.

408
00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:55,242
So if someone comes along
and offers her baloney,

409
00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:57,610
she's gonna think
it's a steak sandwich.

410
00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:01,814
Jake, your
father's here!

411
00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:04,484
So, I'm sorry to hear
about you and Cynthia.

412
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:06,819
She told you.
Of course she told
me-- we're friends.

413
00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:11,858
Oh. Did she happen to mention
the word... "remarkable"?

414
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:15,228
No, but she did say she
didn't think you were over me.

415
00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:17,664
Oh, he's over you.
Right, Alan?

416
00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:19,098
(chuckles):
Right.

417
00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:22,302
But what's the deal
with Herb's junk?

418
00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:25,104
What?

419
00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:26,506
Nothing. Nothing.

420
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:27,607
Hey, Dad.

421
00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:29,476
Hey, buddy, let's go.
Bye, Judith.

422
00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:30,477
Real subtle.

423
00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:33,112
Sometimes you
just gotta ask.

424
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:35,081
See you on Sunday, Herb.

425
00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:38,017
Okay. Have a
good weekend.

426
00:18:38,084 --> 00:18:39,986
(seeds rustling)

427
00:18:40,052 --> 00:18:42,289
(spitting)

428
00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:47,627
Wow! Look at him go.

429
00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:53,633
Okay, mystery solved.

430
00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:58,871
* Men...

431
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:20,427
Good for you--
never too late to learn.

432
00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:36,443
* Men...