1 00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:04,872 (both breathing heavily) 2 00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:08,742 Well, that was just lovely. 3 00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:10,778 I do aim to please. 4 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:15,149 And, after last time, I appreciate the aiming. 5 00:00:15,216 --> 00:00:17,385 Hey, we made good time. 6 00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:19,387 I can let the babysitter go early. 7 00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:21,389 The key is efficient foreplay. 8 00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:22,890 Minimal attention to each breast 9 00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:26,160 before I meander to your dander. 10 00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:28,929 Spoon? 11 00:00:28,996 --> 00:00:30,298 Sure. 12 00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:36,070 Ah! Ah! 13 00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:39,607 And... switch. 14 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,847 Ah! Ah! 15 00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:47,915 That was fun. 16 00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:49,183 It always is. 17 00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:51,119 Okay, well, drive safe. 18 00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:52,320 I always do. 19 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:53,754 I know. I'm just a worrier. 20 00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:56,023 I know you are. 21 00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:58,058 Bye-bye. Bye-bye. 22 00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,495 Wow. 23 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:04,465 I get more tongue from my butcher. 24 00:01:08,636 --> 00:01:09,703 I'm sorry. 25 00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:11,772 Did you consider making your presence known? 26 00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:13,607 Clear your throat, maybe a little cough? 27 00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:17,645 I wanted to vomit, but I was afraid it might break the mood. 28 00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:20,848 Hey, hey, postcoital kissing is always more platonic. 29 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:21,715 Is it? 30 00:01:21,782 --> 00:01:22,850 Yes. Because, well, 31 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,786 we both know where our mouths have been. 32 00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:27,087 I see. 33 00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:28,422 But, in the bedroom, 34 00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:29,723 there was a lot of saliva 35 00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,925 and heat and friction, believe you me. 36 00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:33,794 Really? 37 00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:36,730 Yes, really. 38 00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:40,701 Okay, it may not have been crazy hot monkey sex 39 00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:42,870 like when we first started dating, 40 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:47,941 but it was very much in the general category of jungle humping. 41 00:01:48,008 --> 00:01:49,343 Jungle humping? 42 00:01:49,410 --> 00:01:52,480 Yes. Maybe not, you know, tree swinging, 43 00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:55,916 but certainly canoodling on some low-hanging branches. 44 00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:58,219 You poor bastard. 45 00:01:58,286 --> 00:02:00,421 Don't you dare feel sorry for me! 46 00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:02,390 This is what an adult relationship 47 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:03,657 looks like, Charlie. 48 00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:05,058 People get comfortable with each other, 49 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,560 and they develop a routine. 50 00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,396 And, if it's not always fireworks and explosions, 51 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,630 well, that's a reasonable trade 52 00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:12,166 for a warm, collegial partnership. 53 00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:18,038 You poor, poor bastard. 54 00:02:18,105 --> 00:02:20,474 This conversation is over. 55 00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:21,809 If only. 56 00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:27,315 Okay, it's boring! It's suffocating! It's a deathwatch! 57 00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:28,949 But what choice do I have, Charlie? 58 00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:30,584 Pretend I'm you? I'm not you. 59 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,353 I'm a monogamous, settle-down kind of guy 60 00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:33,687 who hangs on to a relationship 61 00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,223 until I'm looking at divorce papers 62 00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:37,157 or the pointy end of a steak knife. 63 00:02:37,225 --> 00:02:38,859 Oh, that's a load of crap. 64 00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:40,694 You're just afraid, if you let go of one of these broads, 65 00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:42,730 you're never going to get laid again. 66 00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:45,699 Didn't I just say that?! 67 00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:48,001 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 68 00:02:48,068 --> 00:02:51,839 *Ooh-ooh... *Men. 69 00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:56,677 (men yelling on TV) 70 00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:59,413 Boxing sucks. 71 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:02,316 As always, you're entitled to your stupid opinion. 72 00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:05,919 Why are you making it personal? 73 00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:07,721 I didn't make it personal. 74 00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:11,325 In Ultimate Fighting, they kick, they elbow, 75 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,126 they get a guy down and smash his head on the floor. 76 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:16,397 These guys just dance around and barely hit each other. 77 00:03:16,464 --> 00:03:18,899 Okay, okay, listen to me. 78 00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:20,668 Boxing is a science. 79 00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:22,803 Boxers don't just wail on each other. 80 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:25,706 They strategize, feel each other out, wait for an opening. 81 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,511 Gay. 82 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,682 What's with the little pillows on their hands? 83 00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:37,285 Even if they hit each other, it wouldn't hurt. 84 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,889 Ow! 85 00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,791 Oh, does that hurt? 86 00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:44,958 Yeah. 87 00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:46,460 Good. 88 00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:48,362 Hey, what are you doing? 89 00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:49,930 Uncle Charlie hit me. 90 00:03:49,997 --> 00:03:51,732 Good. 91 00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:53,033 Where have you been? 92 00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,268 I'll... I'll tell you later. 93 00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:55,569 Tell him now. 94 00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:58,472 I got better things to do. 95 00:03:58,539 --> 00:04:01,809 You promised he'd grow on me. 96 00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:04,044 I lied. 97 00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:06,480 So where were you? 98 00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:08,081 Well, I thought about what you said, 99 00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:10,984 and I went over to Donna's house to break up with her. 100 00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:13,053 I'm proud of you. 101 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,356 Thanks. 102 00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:18,759 I'm going to meet her parents next weekend. 103 00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:19,793 But you just said... 104 00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:20,894 I know what I said, but I just... 105 00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:22,430 I couldn't do it. 106 00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:23,697 I'm not capable of rejecting another human being. 107 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:26,900 Wow. I'd think, after all these years, 108 00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:29,236 you'd want to get even. 109 00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:31,872 I am in trouble here, Charlie. 110 00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,708 How do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship? 111 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:38,412 If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here. 112 00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:43,917 Okay, first... 113 00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:45,252 (turns off TV) 114 00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:47,321 You gotta get your mind right. 115 00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:48,789 How do I do that? 116 00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:52,860 Close your eyes, and imagine a parallel world 117 00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:55,195 where there's an Alan Harper exactly like you. 118 00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:56,464 Uh-huh. 119 00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:59,733 Except he's got a set of balls. 120 00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:05,339 You want to help me here or not? 121 00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:07,675 It's gotta be fun for me, too. 122 00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:12,913 Fine. We'll just assume that your mind is right. 123 00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,248 Now, 124 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,750 before you do the actual dumping, 125 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,285 there's a few things you've got to consider. 126 00:05:18,352 --> 00:05:20,954 Like what? 127 00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:22,756 Well, does she have any embarrassing photographs of you 128 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,758 that can wind up on the Internet if she takes it badly? 129 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,326 I'm not sure. 130 00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:28,496 What do you mean, you're not sure? 131 00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:29,963 Well, there's one of me naked, 132 00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:31,799 but I'm wearing a mask and a cape. 133 00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:33,867 I thought the sex was mundane. 134 00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,836 Sadly, it still was. 135 00:05:35,903 --> 00:05:38,806 Whatever, she can't use the picture. 136 00:05:38,872 --> 00:05:41,041 Does she have any of your credit card information? 137 00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:41,975 No. 138 00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,411 Don't answer so quickly. 139 00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:47,047 I once handed a date my Visa so she could pump gas for me, 140 00:05:47,114 --> 00:05:50,283 and, in my next statement, there were charges 141 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,119 for a boob job and a Playstation 3. 142 00:05:53,721 --> 00:05:58,392 And I never got to play with either one of them. 143 00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:00,428 You made your date pump gas? 144 00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:03,363 I liked the song that was on the radio. 145 00:06:03,431 --> 00:06:06,233 But back to the topic at hand. 146 00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:07,868 Does she own any chick weapons? 147 00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:09,169 Chick weapons? 148 00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,270 You know. 149 00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:13,173 Little guns, Tasers, pepper spray? 150 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,308 Well, there's a baseball bat by her front door, 151 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,377 but I think that's for intruders. 152 00:06:17,445 --> 00:06:20,481 Yeah, I've made that mistake, too. 153 00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:23,851 Okay. 154 00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:27,154 Let's talk about the where, when and how. 155 00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:28,722 Where. 156 00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:29,990 Always break up in a public place. 157 00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,525 That way, you avoid having a scene. 158 00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:32,159 That makes sense. 159 00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,326 When. 160 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,962 Before the dessert menu comes out. 161 00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:37,498 Otherwise, you can find yourself with a lap full of hot coffee, 162 00:06:37,565 --> 00:06:39,433 which is not as much fun as it sounds. 163 00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,001 That doesn't sound fun. 164 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:44,137 It sounds fun if you're wearing a couple of doughnuts. 165 00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:50,678 Moving on to how. 166 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:54,014 What you want to convey 167 00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:56,484 is your undying affection and gratitude 168 00:06:56,550 --> 00:07:01,354 for your time spent together, 169 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,490 But that's a load of crap. 170 00:07:02,556 --> 00:07:03,924 It's all crap, Alan. 171 00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:05,759 You know it, she knows it, everybody knows it. 172 00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:07,327 All we're trying to do here 173 00:07:07,394 --> 00:07:09,863 is keep her from taking batting practice on your kidneys. 174 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,065 Why would she go for my kidneys? 175 00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:15,135 Because you'll be running away covering your head. 176 00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:18,238 Okay, okay. So... so I take her to dinner and, 177 00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:20,674 then before the coffee comes, I tell her that, 178 00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,009 while I still have strong feelings for her, 179 00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:24,011 I need time to find out who I really am. 180 00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:25,178 Excellent. 181 00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:27,014 Yeah. Maybe... maybe I can throw in some stuff 182 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,049 about how I'm still reeling from my divorce. 183 00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:31,719 Don't improvise. You don't have the chops for it. 184 00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:34,021 Sorry. 185 00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:35,756 No problem. 186 00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:37,290 I do appreciate the advice. 187 00:07:37,357 --> 00:07:39,292 You're very welcome. 188 00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:40,694 (turns on TV) 189 00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:45,499 (men yelling at boxing match) 190 00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:47,000 (turns off TV) 191 00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:49,670 A mask and a cape, and the sex was boring? 192 00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:51,304 What can I say? 193 00:07:51,371 --> 00:07:53,173 She still knew it was me. 194 00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:59,479 * Men. 195 00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:01,882 How do I look? 196 00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:03,617 What difference does it make? 197 00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:05,052 You're breaking up with her. 198 00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:07,621 I don't want my clothes to say, "Come hither." 199 00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:10,390 Don't worry. As always, they say, 200 00:08:10,457 --> 00:08:12,693 "Your regular teacher is sick." 201 00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:16,697 You clear on everything I told you? 202 00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:18,265 Yes, yes. I'm going to go to her house, 203 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,700 pick her up, take her to the restaurant... 204 00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:21,301 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 205 00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:22,870 Pick her up? 206 00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:24,504 You're supposed to meet her there. 207 00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:25,405 Why? 208 00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:26,974 What do you mean, why? 209 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,176 You're gonna breakup with her, then drive her home? 210 00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:33,581 You'll need the Jaws of Life to get her out of your car. 211 00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:35,248 You didn't say anything about that. 212 00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:37,050 It's common sense. 213 00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:38,986 You know why Custer and Sitting Bull 214 00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:40,588 didn't share a pony to Little Big Horn? 215 00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:42,590 Because they knew there were 216 00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:43,857 going to be some hurt feelings, 217 00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:46,093 and the ride home would be awkward. 218 00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:47,795 You know what? 219 00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,262 I'm just going tocall her and reschedule. 220 00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:50,564 No, no, no, you're not. 221 00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:51,765 Here's what you're going to do. 222 00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:53,100 You're going to pick her up, 223 00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,534 you're going to have a nice dinner, 224 00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:55,669 you're going to drive her home 225 00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:56,670 and walk her to her door. 226 00:08:56,737 --> 00:08:58,205 What if she asks me in? 227 00:08:58,271 --> 00:08:59,740 No. Never go inside. 228 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,543 Everything in her house is a potential weapon. 229 00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:04,912 Everything? 230 00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:08,281 I was once blinded for two days by potpourri. 231 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:15,222 So, you just walk her to her door, 232 00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:17,424 take her by the hand, 233 00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,960 and tell her that you've had wonderful times together, 234 00:09:20,027 --> 00:09:22,129 and those are the memories you will always cherish. 235 00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:25,065 You know, we did have wonderful times. 236 00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:29,770 Hiking in Catalina, go-karting in Oxnard, 237 00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:32,205 Oktoberfest in Rosemead. 238 00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,875 Oh, what a day that was! 239 00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:36,877 Sharing bratwurst and sauerkraut 240 00:09:36,944 --> 00:09:40,080 while listening to the battle of the oompah bands. 241 00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:41,915 Oh, God! Do you think I'm making a mistake? 242 00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:44,885 No, no, no, no, no, no. The mind plays tricks on us. 243 00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:46,887 It only remembers the good times. 244 00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:50,523 Or, in your case, the creepy, pathetic times. 245 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,259 But I... I still... 246 00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:53,827 Don't worry, Alan. 247 00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:56,496 There'll be other broads to share your bratwurst with. 248 00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:59,933 You're right. I have to do this. 249 00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:03,904 Wait, wait. What... 250 00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:05,505 What if she starts crying? 251 00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:06,940 You hold her in your arms, 252 00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:09,276 whisper that this is best for both of you, 253 00:10:09,342 --> 00:10:12,179 then turn around and walk away like a man. 254 00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:14,047 Unless 255 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,849 you hear a distinct metallic click. 256 00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:17,685 Then zigzag and roll. 257 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,056 * Men. 258 00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:31,732 Hi. Come on in. 259 00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:33,901 Uh... uh... That's okay. 260 00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,602 I'm kind of hungry. Let's just go. 261 00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:38,605 Well, actually, I thought we could stay in tonight. 262 00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:39,973 Really? 263 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,242 I'm making fondue. Come on. 264 00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:44,177 Oh, goody. 265 00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:46,947 Hot cheese and long, sharp forks. 266 00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:56,724 * Men. 267 00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:04,064 (theme from Jaws playing on TV) 268 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:12,572 This movie is stupid. 269 00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:14,507 This movie is a classic. 270 00:11:14,574 --> 00:11:18,345 It's been 40 minutes, and we haven't even seen the shark yet. 271 00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,647 That's because they're building suspense. 272 00:11:20,714 --> 00:11:22,615 Letting you use your imagination. 273 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,617 You know what I'm imagining? 274 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,720 A better movie. 275 00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:28,722 It's a classic, Jake. 276 00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:30,357 I'll tell you what's a classic. 277 00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:31,825 Snakes on a Plane. 278 00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:34,027 'Cause first of all, you're in an airplane 279 00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:35,395 which is scary to begin with, 280 00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,430 and then it's all filled with snakes. 281 00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:38,766 And they're everywhere. 282 00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,467 They're in the overhead compartments, 283 00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:43,036 they're in the bathrooms, they're in the vomit bags. 284 00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:47,407 You need to throw up, open the bag-- snake! 285 00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:49,609 Sounds gripping. 286 00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:51,144 Snake! 287 00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:58,118 ( Jaws theme playing) 288 00:11:58,185 --> 00:11:59,953 Snake! 289 00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:03,423 That's it, we're out of here. 290 00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:05,058 Where are we going? 291 00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:08,295 Someplace public where killing you would get me in trouble. 292 00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:10,263 Fine. 293 00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:11,765 Snake! (gasps) 294 00:12:13,266 --> 00:12:14,667 Great fondue, Donna. 295 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,169 Glad you liked it. 296 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,538 Oh, don't forget to put away the little forks. 297 00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:19,773 Thanks. 298 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,308 Be right back. 299 00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:30,750 Oh, good Lord. 300 00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,323 We've had wonderful times together, Donna. 301 00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:38,892 And those are memories I will always cherish. 302 00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:40,260 DONNA: What? 303 00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:41,261 Nothing. 304 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,499 Uh-oh, potpourri. 305 00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:01,414 I made coffee. 306 00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:02,482 Hot coffee? 307 00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:03,917 Well, yeah. 308 00:13:03,984 --> 00:13:05,418 Of course it's hot. 309 00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:08,421 Duh. (chuckles nervously) 310 00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:09,256 Oh, oh, my. 311 00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:11,591 That is potentially scalding. 312 00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,660 Blow on it, silly. 313 00:13:13,726 --> 00:13:15,295 Yes. Blowing. 314 00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:17,931 You blow, too. 315 00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:21,568 So, uh, so, listen, Donna, um, 316 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:24,304 there's something we really need to talk about. 317 00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:25,438 What's that? 318 00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:28,041 Well, I was wondering... 319 00:13:28,108 --> 00:13:31,879 Ar-Ar-Are you completely happy in this relationship? 320 00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:32,880 Oh, good. 321 00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:34,314 Then it's not just me. 322 00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:35,148 What do you mean? 323 00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:36,383 Well, I enjoy spending time 324 00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:39,887 with you, but, honey, I kind of feel like 325 00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:41,188 we're getting a little stale. 326 00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:43,790 Really? I thought it was going great. 327 00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:45,125 Come on, Alan. 328 00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:47,127 Our sex life is pathetic. 329 00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:48,828 We're just going through the motions. 330 00:13:48,896 --> 00:13:50,163 Well, now, now, hold on. 331 00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:52,465 Those, uh, those motions are tried and true. 332 00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:53,733 Call it whatever you want-- 333 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,268 tried and true, dull and listless... 334 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,570 I want to call it tried and true. 335 00:13:57,637 --> 00:14:01,574 All I know is, every time we get in bed, it's the same old thing. 336 00:14:01,641 --> 00:14:02,842 The same old thing? 337 00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:04,311 What about the mask and cape? 338 00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:07,814 It was the same old thing in a mask and cape! 339 00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:09,616 Please don't take it personally. 340 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:12,152 Oh, no, no, how can I possibly take it personally? 341 00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:13,820 You're just telling me I'm a lousy lay. 342 00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,188 I didn't mean lousy. 343 00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:19,526 I meant uninspired, lackluster, predictable... 344 00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:20,793 Okay. 345 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:23,330 Tedious, mind-numbing, boring... 346 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:24,864 All right, all right, all right, that's it. 347 00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,166 Come upstairs with me. 348 00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:28,368 I will show you tedious, mind-numbing and boring! 349 00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:29,836 Oh, oh, oh, oh! 350 00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:30,837 Oh, God, I'm sorry! 351 00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:31,871 Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! 352 00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:33,140 What can I do?! 353 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,308 I don't know! Just do something! 354 00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:40,313 Whoa! Oh! Oh! 355 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,648 Oh!! 356 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:43,650 Oh! 357 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:48,388 How can you say this is boring? 358 00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:49,489 * Men... 359 00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:50,823 Wait till you try this. 360 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,359 This is the best pizza in town. 361 00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:53,493 Says who? 362 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,195 They put a flier on my mom's windshield. 363 00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:56,696 It said "Best pizza in town." 364 00:14:56,763 --> 00:14:59,699 Jake, let me give you a little culinary advice. 365 00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:02,302 Any restaurant that advertises on windshields 366 00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:04,204 and has a guy standing out front dressed as a hoagie 367 00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:06,473 is probably not the best in town. 368 00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:09,842 He wasn't a hoagie, he was a calzone. 369 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,544 (sighs) 370 00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:17,417 Amazing. 371 00:15:17,484 --> 00:15:17,985 What? 372 00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:19,319 How can a kid 373 00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:21,221 with such lousy taste in pizza and movies 374 00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:22,422 have such good taste in girls? 375 00:15:24,857 --> 00:15:25,892 She is kind of cute. 376 00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:26,926 Why don't you go talk to her? 377 00:15:26,994 --> 00:15:28,595 I don't know what to say. 378 00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:30,964 That's never stopped you from running your mouth before. 379 00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:34,334 What about her mom? 380 00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:36,569 Just stick with the daughter for now. 381 00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:37,570 No, I mean... 382 00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:39,206 I know what you mean. 383 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,608 Tell you what, I'll be your wingman. 384 00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:44,177 I'll go over and engage the mom in conversation. 385 00:15:44,244 --> 00:15:45,979 Then after I've greased the wheels, 386 00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:47,180 I'll give you a signal, 387 00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:49,349 you saunter over and work your magic. 388 00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:50,317 Saunter? 389 00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:51,918 Walk. 390 00:15:51,985 --> 00:15:53,253 Then just say walk. 391 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,055 You don't have to make up words. 392 00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:59,326 Wait. What signal? 393 00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,361 I don't know, I'll give you a thumbs up. 394 00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:03,330 That's not much of a signal. 395 00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:06,766 How about I just wave my arms and say, "Yo, dumb ass"? 396 00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:09,336 Let's go with the thumb. 397 00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:16,476 Excuse me. Yes? 398 00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:18,745 I'm, I'm, I'm sorry to interrupt your dinner, 399 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,847 but I'm sitting over there with my nephew... Now?! 400 00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:23,083 No, not now. 401 00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:24,684 Dumb ass. 402 00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:25,552 Now?! 403 00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:27,820 No! 404 00:16:27,887 --> 00:16:31,524 Anyway, he's taken a little bit of a shine to your daughter, 405 00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,526 and it would mean the world to him 406 00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:35,962 if he could come over and meet her. Oh. 407 00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:39,032 That's very sweet, and I don't want to seem impolite, 408 00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:41,201 but this is our one-on-one time. 409 00:16:41,268 --> 00:16:43,070 I understand, and you should have that, 410 00:16:43,136 --> 00:16:45,038 but we're only talking a couple of minutes here. 411 00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:46,839 Just enough time to put a smile on 412 00:16:46,906 --> 00:16:48,308 a young boy's face. Now?! 413 00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:50,009 No! 414 00:16:50,943 --> 00:16:52,645 Look, I appreciate you 415 00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:56,216 coming over, but I think we'll pass. 416 00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:59,586 Fine. Sorry to bother you. 417 00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:02,089 Real smooth. 418 00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:07,026 Okay, you really gotta help me out here. 419 00:17:07,094 --> 00:17:09,196 Sir, I am having dinner with my daughter. 420 00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:10,897 And I am here with my nephew. Let's face it. 421 00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:12,965 they'd rather be sitting and talking to each other 422 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:15,235 than hanging out with a couple of old farts like us. 423 00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:17,270 What did you call me? 424 00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:19,672 No, no, no, not-not you, us. 425 00:17:19,739 --> 00:17:21,040 I was being funny. 426 00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:24,677 I don't think you're funny at all. 427 00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:27,480 Well, clearly, you don't know me. 428 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:28,881 I'm Charlie. 429 00:17:28,948 --> 00:17:32,952 Yes, well, Charlie, I've asked you to leave us alone. 430 00:17:33,019 --> 00:17:34,421 I understand and I will, but... 431 00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:36,123 Honey, get me a refill. 432 00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:38,091 Yo, dumb ass, go get a refill! 433 00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:40,093 Now?! Yes, now! 434 00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:44,063 My brother's kid, not my own. 435 00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:48,201 (yelling in pain) 436 00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:50,069 I warned you. 437 00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:53,206 It's worse than the potpourri. 438 00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:57,910 I see you like the diet cola. 439 00:17:57,977 --> 00:18:01,548 If I may say so, you don't need to watch your weight. 440 00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:05,518 * Men... 441 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:06,686 Here you go. 442 00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:07,854 Clean and dry. 443 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:08,955 Thank you. Thank you. 444 00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:10,190 Are you all right? 445 00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:12,359 Oh, yeah. Little Alan's fine. 446 00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:15,195 The twins got the worst of it. 447 00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:16,829 Good, good. 448 00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:20,467 Listen, Donna, you were right. 449 00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:23,636 This relationship is over. Over? 450 00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:26,539 Well, what else is there to do besides call it quits? 451 00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:29,909 Well, I-I thought maybe we could take it to the next level. 452 00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:31,511 Next level? 453 00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:35,182 What's beyond mind-numbing, tedious and boring? 454 00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:37,417 I'll tell you what's beyond it. Death. 455 00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:39,752 No, thank you, I've already been married. 456 00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:43,423 But, Alan... I'm sorry, but it's just, it's time we faced the truth. 457 00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:46,058 I have no romantic feelings for you anymore. 458 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,894 None? 459 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,229 None at all. 460 00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,764 Oh, oh... 461 00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:54,867 Come on, Donna, crying doesn't solve anything. 462 00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:57,304 But believe me, it's better to end this now 463 00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:58,871 while we're still friends. 464 00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:00,773 (crying) 465 00:19:04,444 --> 00:19:06,112 Good-bye, my friend. 466 00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:08,281 Oh, just get out. 467 00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,318 (clicking) 468 00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,433 What are you doing? 469 00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:27,934 Nothing. 470 00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:33,105 Hi. You must be Alan. Yes. 471 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:36,876 Forget it, Georgia, it's not gonna happen. 472 00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:44,817 What's not gonna happen? 473 00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:50,890 I thought I could spice up our relationship with a three-way. 474 00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:54,160 A... a three-way? 475 00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:58,798 But I didn't realize you had no romantic feelings for me at all. 476 00:19:58,865 --> 00:19:59,932 (high-pitched sob) 477 00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:01,734 Now hang on. 478 00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:06,172 Um, I-I-I think you may have misinterpreted my remarks. 479 00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:07,807 Oh, honey, I'm here for you. (crying) 480 00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:11,344 Now, see, you really need to be more clear about what you meant 481 00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:12,945 by taking it to the next level. 482 00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:15,915 See, I-I-I'm fine with this. 483 00:20:15,982 --> 00:20:17,216 This could help. 484 00:20:17,284 --> 00:20:19,185 Oh, go to hell. 485 00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:20,787 (door slamming) 486 00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:27,994 (sobbing) 487 00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:32,365 * Men... 488 00:20:44,544 --> 00:20:46,679 So was the friend good-looking? 489 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:49,816 Spectacular. 490 00:20:49,882 --> 00:20:51,017 Wow. 491 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,552 Sounds like you blew 492 00:20:52,619 --> 00:20:54,053 what could've been the best night of your life. 493 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:55,488 The best night? 494 00:20:55,555 --> 00:20:58,291 No, no, that... that was the night Jake was born. 495 00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:01,861 You have a three-way the night Jake was born? 496 00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:04,831 Okay, I blew the best night of my life. 497 00:21:04,897 --> 00:21:07,967 Now, don't worry, you'll get another opportunity someday. 498 00:21:08,034 --> 00:21:09,302 How do you figure? 499 00:21:09,369 --> 00:21:11,304 Well, you may have to wait a few decades, 500 00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:13,606 but I hear the ratio of gals to geezers 501 00:21:13,673 --> 00:21:16,943 in those senior living facilities is two to one. 502 00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:19,479 And imagine the progress they'll have made 503 00:21:19,546 --> 00:21:21,781 in boner pills by that time. 504 00:21:23,383 --> 00:21:25,818 Are you staring at me? 505 00:21:25,885 --> 00:21:34,961 'Cause it feels like you're staring at me.