1 00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:05,439 (panting) 2 00:00:12,746 --> 00:00:16,550 Oh, yeah. I am a finely tuned machine. 3 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:20,454 (French accent): Bonjour! 4 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,390 Oh, hello. 5 00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:24,125 Are you a friend of Charlie's? 6 00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:26,827 I'm his brother... so no. 7 00:00:26,894 --> 00:00:29,830 I am Gabrielle. 8 00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:31,099 Oh, nice to meet you. 9 00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:32,966 I'm Alan. 10 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:36,804 Or as you would say "Elan." 11 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,872 Why would I say that? 12 00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:39,973 No reason. 13 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,375 I'm a little dehydrated. 14 00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:44,912 So, you are a "see-klist." 15 00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:45,813 A what? 16 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,715 A see-klist? 17 00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:49,517 You know with your "bee-see-kel." 18 00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,685 Oh, yes, yes-- 19 00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:56,257 I'm very passionate about... bee-seek-ling. 20 00:00:57,358 --> 00:01:01,595 I even have a stationary "see-kel." 21 00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:03,697 Ah. 22 00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:08,102 I also jog and ab crunch and of course... 23 00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:11,672 "Les Buns of Steel." 24 00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,941 Tres bien. 25 00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:15,943 Au revoir. 26 00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:17,578 Au revoir. 27 00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:19,280 (erotic growl) 28 00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:23,217 Nice, huh? 29 00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:25,819 Nice? She's magnificent. 30 00:01:25,886 --> 00:01:27,155 You should see her naked. 31 00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:29,590 Can I? 32 00:01:29,657 --> 00:01:31,692 Well, I could show you some pictures, 33 00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:34,328 but you may not want to see that much of me. 34 00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:39,667 Just out of curiosity, where do you find women like that? 35 00:01:39,733 --> 00:01:43,404 And more importantly, how do you get them to go to bed with you? 36 00:01:43,471 --> 00:01:45,038 You really want to know? 37 00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:47,441 Yeah, what's your secret? 38 00:01:47,508 --> 00:01:52,880 Well, you see, Alan, it's like this. 39 00:01:54,682 --> 00:01:56,817 I got a knack. 40 00:01:58,486 --> 00:01:59,753 That's not a secret. 41 00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:02,690 I didn't think so, but you asked. 42 00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:04,958 So that's it? You've got a knack? 43 00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:07,328 Hey, everybody's good at something. 44 00:02:07,395 --> 00:02:09,263 You, for instance... 45 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,034 ...have no shame. 46 00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:18,739 Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France. 47 00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:22,710 Alan, I just took a Tour de France... 48 00:02:25,213 --> 00:02:26,247 ...and the only thing I was wearing 49 00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:28,882 was a smile and a condom. 50 00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:39,360 (doorbell rings) 51 00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:42,396 Hi, Judith. Hey, buddy. 52 00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:43,464 Hey. 53 00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:44,832 What's the matter with him? 54 00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:47,134 His little girlfriend broke up with him. 55 00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:48,336 Oh, no. 56 00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:50,471 Yeah, I was hoping you could talk to him, 57 00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:53,674 'cause let's face it, who knows more about getting dumped? 58 00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:57,245 You don't have to flatter me, Judith. 59 00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:58,846 I'll talk to him. 60 00:02:58,912 --> 00:03:00,814 I'm sorry, that didn't come out the way I meant it. 61 00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,283 Really? How did you mean it? 62 00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:05,519 Oh, couldn't you just take the "I'm sorry"? 63 00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:09,790 Couldn't you have just... loved me? 64 00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:14,295 Did I hear numbnuts come in? 65 00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:15,729 "Numbnuts"? 66 00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,531 Sorry, numbnuts junior. 67 00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:20,834 If you mean my son, yes, he's here. 68 00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:22,370 Aw, crap. 69 00:03:25,172 --> 00:03:26,206 What are you doing? 70 00:03:26,274 --> 00:03:28,108 Hiding my cookies. 71 00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:29,343 Why? 72 00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:30,978 Because I just bought a new bag 73 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,613 and I don't want that knucklehead to eat 'em all. 74 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,848 Oh, Charlie, you hide your cookies 75 00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:36,917 from a little boy who loves you? 76 00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:39,052 Little boy, my ass. 77 00:03:39,119 --> 00:03:40,288 He's a bottomless pit, 78 00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:41,722 and I'm tired of going for a snack 79 00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:43,791 and having to lick cookie dust out of the bag. 80 00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:46,560 You might want to take it easy on him today. 81 00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:48,128 He's going through a bad breakup. 82 00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:50,230 Aw, really? Yeah. 83 00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:03,911 Nope, my cookies. 84 00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:09,683 * Men... 85 00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:14,054 So, uh... how was school this week? 86 00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:16,156 Okay. 87 00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:18,191 Anything noteworthy happen? 88 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:19,393 No. 89 00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:22,029 I thought you said he got dumped. 90 00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,172 I was easing into it. 91 00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:33,106 Oh, good idea. 92 00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:34,508 Go ahead. 93 00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:38,379 Jake, sooner or later, every guy gets dumped. 94 00:04:39,246 --> 00:04:40,414 Some guys get dumped 95 00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:41,849 sooner and later, right, Alan? 96 00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:46,320 Sorry, I should've eased into that. 97 00:04:47,755 --> 00:04:49,723 My point is you've got nothing to be embarrassed about. 98 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:50,958 I'm not embarrassed. I'm angry. 99 00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:53,060 She didn't even tell me why. 100 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:56,063 She just sent me an e-mail saying she doesn't want to go out with me anymore. 101 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,432 Maybe she found somebody better. 102 00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:00,901 What do you mean better? Who's better than Jake? 103 00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:05,806 (stiffly): Why, no one, Alan. 104 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:10,143 He's the pinnacle of male evolution. 105 00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:12,346 Thank you. 106 00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:15,949 Look, buddy, I know exactly how you feel. 107 00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:18,652 When I was your age, I was dating a beautiful girl-- 108 00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:20,253 Charity Kirschenbaum. 109 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,156 I was crazy about her. 110 00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:26,059 Then, the night before junior prom, she called and dumped me. 111 00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,461 Wouldn't even give me a reason. 112 00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:28,462 I was devastated. 113 00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:29,863 So what'd you do? 114 00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:30,731 What could I do? 115 00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:32,833 How can you mend a broken heart? 116 00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:37,371 (falsetto): * How can you stop the rain from falling down? * 117 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,542 You done? 118 00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:44,612 Unless you want to hear "Jive Talkin'." 119 00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:51,619 The thing is, Jake, that no matter how bad you feel now, 120 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:53,521 eventually, it'll pass. 121 00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:55,789 You just have to be willing to live with the pain. 122 00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:56,724 No, he doesn't. 123 00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:58,258 Yes, he does. Hang on, Dad. 124 00:05:58,325 --> 00:05:59,960 What do you mean, no, I don't? 125 00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,530 When you get dumped, you don't sit around 126 00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,231 feeling sorry for yourself. 127 00:06:04,297 --> 00:06:05,466 You go out and find another girl. 128 00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:06,700 A better girl. 129 00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:09,603 Okay, but how am I gonna get another girl? 130 00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:11,672 I don't know how I got this one. 131 00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:13,641 You don't know how you got a girlfriend? 132 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,375 No. It just kind of happened. 133 00:06:15,443 --> 00:06:16,710 Yeah, I know how that goes. 134 00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:20,147 You wake up in the morning and there she is. 135 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,782 Shut up. I know that was wrong. 136 00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:26,386 Look, Jake, who is the cutest girl in your class? 137 00:06:26,454 --> 00:06:27,755 Nicole O'Malley. 138 00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:30,758 Okay, call Nicole O'Malley and ask her out. 139 00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:32,092 Are you drunk? 140 00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:35,162 A little. 141 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:36,497 (sighs) 142 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:39,032 But... this is a secret that will serve you 143 00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:40,968 for the rest of your life. 144 00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:43,737 The hotter the girl, the lonelier she is, 145 00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:46,273 because most guys are too scared to talk to her. 146 00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:47,941 Really?! Really?! 147 00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:49,276 Trust me. 148 00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:52,746 Wow. Wow. 149 00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:55,516 Why couldn't you have said this 20 years ago? 150 00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:58,519 Come on, Dad, I wasn't even born 20 years ago. 151 00:06:58,586 --> 00:07:00,488 I really shouldn't be giving him advice 152 00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:02,956 that could help him reproduce, should I? 153 00:07:06,093 --> 00:07:07,895 * Men. 154 00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:16,036 (groans) 155 00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:21,074 Oh, it's just you. 156 00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:22,543 Hey. 157 00:07:24,712 --> 00:07:26,413 What are you doing? 158 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,049 I'm drinking some of your finest scotch 159 00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:32,419 and looking at my high school yearbook. 160 00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:35,255 Charity Kirschenbaum. 161 00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:36,957 I can't help wondering 162 00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:39,993 how my life would've turned out if she hadn't dumped me. 163 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:43,096 Come on, your life turned out great. 164 00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:48,201 Well, it wouldn't have turned out any better. 165 00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:49,870 You know what? 166 00:07:49,937 --> 00:07:54,407 I'm gonna call her and find out why she broke my heart. 167 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:55,976 Good thinking. 168 00:07:56,043 --> 00:07:58,612 Call your high school girlfriend drunk at 2:00 in the morning. 169 00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:01,982 While you're at it, why don't you expose yourself to an undercover policewoman? 170 00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:06,019 Some people do that. 171 00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:07,755 I need closure. 172 00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:10,123 I need to understand why she dumped me. 173 00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:13,126 What's to understand? 174 00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:18,532 This is her? Mm-hmm. 175 00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:20,801 This is you. 176 00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:23,737 Peaches and cream complexion. 177 00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:27,007 You. 178 00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:30,410 Cheerleader. 179 00:08:30,477 --> 00:08:31,812 You. 180 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,415 Stop me anytime. 181 00:08:35,482 --> 00:08:36,917 I don't care. 182 00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:39,086 I got number off the Internet and I'm calling her. 183 00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:40,954 Oh, man. 184 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:44,024 When're they gonna invent a phone with a breathalyzer lock? 185 00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:46,393 Shh, it's ringing. 186 00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,261 Hello? 187 00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:50,397 Hello, is this Charity? 188 00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:53,100 (slurred): Hi, Charity. 189 00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,534 This is Alan Harper. 190 00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:58,071 Yeah, yeah, from high school. 191 00:08:58,138 --> 00:08:59,640 Anyway... 192 00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:03,376 Yeah, I know it's late. 193 00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:05,746 Yeah, I know I'm drunk. 194 00:09:05,813 --> 00:09:08,015 Listen, I just need to ask you one question. 195 00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:12,019 Why did you dump me on the night before the junior prom? 196 00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:16,056 Uh-huh. 197 00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:19,359 Okay, okay. 198 00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:20,193 Okay, thanks. 199 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,795 Go back to sleep. 200 00:09:23,631 --> 00:09:28,501 She said to ask my brother Char... 201 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:31,071 (door closing) 202 00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:33,774 ...arlie. 203 00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:36,076 (car engine starting) 204 00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:41,581 (car driving away) 205 00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:44,584 Oh, that's why. 206 00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:46,787 * Men. 207 00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:57,030 Morning. 208 00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,700 Morning. 209 00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:03,837 You found the stash, huh? 210 00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:05,438 Wasn't well hidden. 211 00:10:05,505 --> 00:10:08,241 Okay, just for the record, that stuff's medicinal. 212 00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:09,777 I've got glaucoma. 213 00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:12,279 What are you talking about? 214 00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:13,947 Nothing. 215 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:18,652 Morning. 216 00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:19,987 Morning. 217 00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:22,622 So where'd you disappear to last night? 218 00:10:22,690 --> 00:10:24,591 Me? I decided to take a little drive, 219 00:10:24,658 --> 00:10:28,461 give you a chance to calm down about Charity Kirschenbaum. 220 00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:30,831 I'm perfectly calm. Good. 221 00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:32,365 Who's Charity Kirschenbaum? 222 00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:35,836 It's just a little thing 223 00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:37,270 that's not worth getting upset about and... 224 00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:39,639 Hey! What the hell are you doing with my cookies?! 225 00:10:39,707 --> 00:10:41,241 They're yours? 226 00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:42,475 You know they're mine. 227 00:10:42,542 --> 00:10:44,978 So you're saying I took something 228 00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:47,547 that belonged to you and you're upset? 229 00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,382 Aw. 230 00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:54,521 Oh, come on, Alan. 231 00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:56,790 I loved Charity Kirschenbaum 232 00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:58,658 and you stole her right out from under me! 233 00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:01,594 He's speaking metaphorically, right? 234 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,264 Yeah, he was never on top of that. 235 00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:07,868 I would've been, if it weren't for you. 236 00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:11,304 Okay fine, I took your girl 20 years ago. 237 00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,974 That calls for maybe five, six cookies, tops. 238 00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:15,475 Not the whole damn bag. 239 00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:18,211 I had to go to junior prom with Cousin Phoebe! 240 00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,980 She was cute. 241 00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:21,882 She was 12 and in a body cast! 242 00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:24,117 So what? She was your cousin. 243 00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:26,754 She could have been 18 and in a cellophane bikini, 244 00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,722 and you weren't gonna get any. 245 00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:33,126 You are a horrible human being and I hope you burn in hell! 246 00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:35,495 So we're good? 247 00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:36,529 No! 248 00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:38,498 We are not good! 249 00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:40,433 We suck! 250 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,069 (door slams) 251 00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:44,337 Freshen that up for you? 252 00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:45,939 Thanks. 253 00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:49,509 ALAN: You betrayed me! 254 00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:53,013 I hate you! 255 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:57,150 I hate you, I hate you, 256 00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:00,788 I hate you!! 257 00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:04,024 Sounds like he's going for a bike ride. 258 00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:07,895 * Men. 259 00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:10,330 Hello, Nicole O'Malley? 260 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,999 Jake Harper here. 261 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,066 Harper. 262 00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,836 I sit next to you in geometry class. 263 00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:17,771 No, the other side. 264 00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:19,339 Yeah, with the big head. 265 00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:25,378 I was wondering if you would go to the winter dance with me. 266 00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:26,379 Really? 267 00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:28,715 Are you sure? 268 00:12:28,782 --> 00:12:30,017 Well, great. 269 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,618 I guess I'll see you in school. 270 00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,020 Bye. 271 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,888 Uncle Charlie's a genius. 272 00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:37,891 In a sense. 273 00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:40,093 But there's book smart and nook smart. 274 00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:43,931 (knocking on door) 275 00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,365 ALAN: Would you get that, Berta?! 276 00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:46,599 What?! 277 00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:47,835 The door! 278 00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:50,170 I can't hear you! 279 00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:51,704 I said, would you get the door? 280 00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,941 I can't! I'm upstairs! 281 00:12:59,579 --> 00:13:00,447 Hi, Judith. 282 00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:01,815 Jake, your mom's here! 283 00:13:01,882 --> 00:13:03,383 Did you talk to him? 284 00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:04,284 I did. 285 00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:05,152 Hey, Mom. 286 00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:06,419 Hey, honey, how's it going? 287 00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,889 Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius. 288 00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:10,790 Good, good. 289 00:13:10,858 --> 00:13:12,993 You said you talked to him. I did. 290 00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:14,627 Then why is Uncle Charlie a genius? 291 00:13:14,694 --> 00:13:16,229 'Cause he never got married. 292 00:13:19,732 --> 00:13:23,871 Oh, that's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. 293 00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:25,873 (knocking on door) 294 00:13:25,939 --> 00:13:28,408 And here it comes, jaws a-snappin'. 295 00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,112 All right, I'm sorry! 296 00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,049 Why are you sorry? 297 00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:39,552 I just find it's easier that way. 298 00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:40,921 Okay. 299 00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,455 Is Charlie at home? 300 00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:45,158 Oh, no, he, uh, he went out a couple of hours ago. 301 00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:47,327 Oh. I've been trying to call him on his cell 302 00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:48,996 but he doesn't answer. 303 00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:50,597 Well, please tell him I stopped by. 304 00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,199 Sure, sure thing. 305 00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,135 Gabrielle? 306 00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:55,768 Oui? 307 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:56,970 Um... 308 00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:58,771 forgive me if I'm out of line, 309 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:02,976 but... I... sense a... 310 00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:04,311 loneliness inside you. 311 00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,915 Is it so obvious? 312 00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:09,883 I'm right? 313 00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:12,920 Oh, yes, but how could you know? 314 00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:15,255 We're two of a kind. 315 00:14:15,322 --> 00:14:21,594 I myself have tasted the saltiness of lonely tears. 316 00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:23,496 Oh, pauvre petit. 317 00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:24,898 We have much to share. 318 00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:26,900 We do indeed. Come on in. 319 00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:31,004 First his cookies, now his croissant. 320 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,207 * Men. 321 00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:37,010 Well, in my experience, 322 00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:39,947 I've found that the more beautiful the woman is, 323 00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:41,148 the lonelier she is. 324 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,116 Oh, that's very true. 325 00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:45,018 How do you know so much about women? 326 00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:46,819 What can I say? 327 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,055 I have a knack. 328 00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:51,724 Hey. 329 00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:53,860 Oh, hello, Charlie. 330 00:14:53,927 --> 00:14:55,795 Gee, how embarrassing. 331 00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:57,497 What are you talking about? 332 00:14:57,564 --> 00:15:00,067 Oh, dear. This is so difficult. 333 00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,001 No, it's not. Go ahead. 334 00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:02,335 Tell him, tell him. 335 00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:05,505 Charlie, you are wonderful man, 336 00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:09,109 but your brother, he really understands me. 337 00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:11,544 So, what are you saying? 338 00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:14,181 It's just... 339 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:16,783 I... 340 00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:18,118 I can't. 341 00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:19,386 I can-- she's dumping you for me. 342 00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:21,121 Ha-ha. 343 00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:22,522 This is so awkward. 344 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:24,024 I must go. 345 00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:27,060 Please... forgive me. 346 00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:34,034 Huh, huh? How does it feel? 347 00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:35,969 I'm stunned. 348 00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,170 Good, good. What else? 349 00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:38,972 You snaked my girlfriend? 350 00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:41,174 Yes I did. I snaked her. Like a cobra. 351 00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:45,645 And you did it just to hurt me? 352 00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:48,081 Well, not just to hurt you. 353 00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:50,250 Well, yeah-- just to hurt you. 354 00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:52,685 I don't know what to say. 355 00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:54,521 I'm crushed. 356 00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:55,822 That's good. Say that. 357 00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:57,724 "I'm crushed." 358 00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:02,062 My own brother purposefully set out to hurt me. 359 00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:04,364 (laughing): Oh, no. Oh, no. 360 00:16:04,431 --> 00:16:06,033 You're not taking this away from me. 361 00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:08,101 What about you and Charity Kirschenbaum? 362 00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:10,003 I was 17, Alan. 363 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:11,171 I was a horny idiot. 364 00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:13,406 But you, you're an adult. 365 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:16,909 Okay, I see where you're going, and it's not gonna work. 366 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,112 You're not taking this away form me. 367 00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:20,913 I really thought our relationship had grown 368 00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:23,150 beyond this petty crap. 369 00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:25,218 I thought I could count on you. 370 00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:27,320 I thoughf you were my friend. 371 00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:33,560 Son of a bitch, he took it away from me. 372 00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:37,597 * Men. 373 00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:44,337 (playing "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?") 374 00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:48,408 Oh, hey, you're here. 375 00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:50,743 Where am I gonna go, Alan? 376 00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:54,214 You took my girl. 377 00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:56,049 And-And I feel awful about that. 378 00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:58,918 It doesn't matter. 379 00:16:58,985 --> 00:16:59,919 It does matter. 380 00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:01,221 I made a terrible mistake. 381 00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:04,191 I did the worst thing I could possibly do. 382 00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:07,260 I lowered myself to your level. 383 00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:09,562 You know what I mean. 384 00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:11,098 I-I-I love you. You're my brother. 385 00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:12,665 I-I wouldn't hurt you for the world. 386 00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:14,934 Actions speak louder than words, Alan. 387 00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:16,636 You're right. Okay. 388 00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:17,970 Here's an action. 389 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,707 * Ta-dah! 390 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,176 You bought me a bag of cookies. 391 00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:27,214 Sure, that should make up for stealing Gabrielle. 392 00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:32,185 How about three bags? 393 00:17:33,186 --> 00:17:34,187 And I'm breaking it off with her. 394 00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:35,188 You can have her back. 395 00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:37,657 Have her back? 396 00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:38,991 What is wrong with you? 397 00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,593 She's not a lawnmower you borrowed. 398 00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:45,765 You can't just hose off the blades and give her back. 399 00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:47,167 But... 400 00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:49,102 But I-I... But nothing. 401 00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:51,704 She dumped me because she likes you better. 402 00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:53,106 So, what are you going to say to her, Alan? 403 00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:57,277 "I was just using you to punish Charlie 404 00:17:57,344 --> 00:18:00,447 I probably wouldn't use those words. 405 00:18:00,513 --> 00:18:02,215 You can't ease your conscience 406 00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,617 about hurting me by hurting her. 407 00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:07,620 So, you're saying you want me to keep seeing her? 408 00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:10,823 I'm saying I want you to do the right thing. 409 00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:12,125 Then you'll forgive me? 410 00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:14,327 Yes. Then I'll forgive you. 411 00:18:16,263 --> 00:18:19,532 Well... okay. 412 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:21,534 For you... 413 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:24,571 I'll keep seeing the gorgeous woman. 414 00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:26,906 Thank you. 415 00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:28,708 You're welcome. 416 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,580 Yay. 417 00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:36,416 Okay, so what's the catch? 418 00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:38,151 Catch? 419 00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:40,220 I don't know what you're talking about. 420 00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:43,890 * Men. 421 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,091 So, are you sure 422 00:18:45,158 --> 00:18:46,726 everything's okay with Charlie? 423 00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:48,228 Oh, everything's great with Charlie; Charlie's fine. 424 00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:49,496 Forget Charlie. 425 00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:52,699 Come couchez avec moi ce soir. 426 00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:54,167 Pardon? 427 00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,269 You know, like the song, 428 00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:57,304 "Voulez-Vouz Coucher 429 00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:59,239 Avec Moi ce..." 430 00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:01,508 Sacre bleu. 431 00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:11,851 Okay. 432 00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:13,220 I'm ready. 433 00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:16,489 Excuse me? 434 00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:19,192 Go ahead. Get it over with. 435 00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:22,529 Uh... I'm, I'm not sure I follow. 436 00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:24,063 Do what you have to do. 437 00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:26,566 Just... hurry. 438 00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:30,203 But... don't you want to start with some kissing 439 00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:32,839 and, you know, foreplay? 440 00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,073 No. 441 00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:35,342 Thank you. 442 00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:37,610 How about a smile? 443 00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,218 Better? 444 00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:47,454 Actually, worse. 445 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:50,757 Could you... close your eyes again? 446 00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:04,471 Where are you going? 447 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,072 Uh, I have to brush my teeth. 448 00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:07,607 The bathroom's that way. 449 00:20:07,674 --> 00:20:09,976 Yeah, but my toothbrush is at home. Bye-bye. 450 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:11,978 * Men. 451 00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:15,682 (door closes) 452 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:20,953 Hey. 453 00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:22,289 Hey. 454 00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:25,091 How'd it go with Gabrielle? 455 00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,926 I think you know how it went. 456 00:20:26,993 --> 00:20:29,228 Yeah, I do. 457 00:20:30,597 --> 00:20:33,099 It's kinda like necrophilia, isn't it? 458 00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:34,166 I didn't go through with it. 459 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:35,635 Really? 460 00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:37,504 Guess we're different that way. 461 00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,941 So... 462 00:20:42,008 --> 00:20:44,744 I didn't really steal her from you, did I? 463 00:20:44,811 --> 00:20:46,245 Nope. 464 00:20:46,313 --> 00:20:48,715 You were trying to get rid of her the whole time, weren't you? 465 00:20:48,781 --> 00:20:51,318 Yep. But I didn't want to hurt her feelings. 466 00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:53,953 Thanks for helping me out with that. 467 00:20:54,020 --> 00:20:58,458 Well, at least now we're even, right? 468 00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:00,693 Not quite. 469 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,495 What do you mean? WOMAN: Charlie. 470 00:21:02,562 --> 00:21:04,997 Are you coming back to bed? 471 00:21:05,064 --> 00:21:06,032 Charity? 472 00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:07,834 Charity Kirschenbaum? 473 00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:10,136 Oh, hi, Alan. Long time no see. 474 00:21:10,202 --> 00:21:13,005 Yeah. 20 years. 475 00:21:13,072 --> 00:21:14,907 She looks great, doesn't she? 476 00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:16,175 Come on, baby. 477 00:21:16,242 --> 00:21:17,243 But, but, but... 478 00:21:17,310 --> 00:21:20,046 Now we're even. 479 00:21:25,885 --> 00:21:31,123 ALAN (echoing from distance): I... hate... you! 480 00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:33,760 * Men.