1 00:00:01,635 --> 00:00:04,138 * Men 2 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:07,441 Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! 3 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:10,444 I'm sorry, Mom. I love you! 4 00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:11,479 What? 5 00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:12,813 What? 6 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:15,149 There's something you gotta see. 7 00:00:15,216 --> 00:00:19,253 It has to be better than my dream. 8 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,889 Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! 9 00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:24,592 It's Dad's magazine! 10 00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:25,359 What? 11 00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:26,427 What? 12 00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:28,729 There's something you gotta see. 13 00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:33,801 I was already seeing everything I needed to see. 14 00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:36,036 What's going on? 15 00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:38,606 You remember I recorded those kids' songs a few months ago? 16 00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:40,108 Yeah. They sucked. 17 00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:41,909 Of course they sucked. 18 00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:43,244 They're kids' songs. 19 00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:45,346 Anyway, the CD is coming out, 20 00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:46,947 and the first commercial is about to air. 21 00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:48,282 At 5:00 in the morning? 22 00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:50,684 That's when moms with little kids are up. 23 00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:52,753 Oh, Becker is over. I'm up next. 24 00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:54,388 ANNOUNCER: Who loves kids? 25 00:00:54,455 --> 00:00:56,957 KIDS: Charlie Waffles! 26 00:00:57,024 --> 00:00:59,660 * Who cut the cheese? (raspberry) 27 00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,729 * Who cut the cheese? (raspberry) 28 00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:04,865 * I ask you please, did you cut the cheese? * (raspberry) 29 00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:07,668 That's right. Charlie Waffles! 30 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:10,971 And now you can get his greatest hits on one CD. 31 00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:12,840 Charlie Waffles? 32 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:13,874 My idea. 33 00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:15,509 Kids love waffles. 34 00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:17,178 That's true. 35 00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,547 Yes, you'll get all the melodies 36 00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:22,250 that made Charlie Waffles the king of kids' songs: 37 00:01:22,316 --> 00:01:24,485 "Kiss My Owie," "Rush to Flush" 38 00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:27,655 and, of course, "Don't Shake the Baby." 39 00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:30,624 * He's a little boy, he is not a toy * 40 00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:34,595 * Don't shake, shake, shake the baby * 41 00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:37,731 * She's our little girl, our darling girl * 42 00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:41,735 * Don't shake, shake, shake the baby. * 43 00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:45,339 When did you become the king of kids' songs? 44 00:01:45,406 --> 00:01:47,908 When did you become the Federal Trade Commission? 45 00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:52,146 * Grandma may smell funny, but hug her anyway * 46 00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:55,783 * Accept her stinky kisses, and then go out and play * 47 00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:59,753 * But she's got all the money, so you might just want to stay * 48 00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:02,790 * Oh, Grandma my smell funny, but hug her anyway. * 49 00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:03,924 But wait, there's more! 50 00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:05,926 With this special TV offer, 51 00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:07,295 you'll also receive this 52 00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:09,697 never-before-released bonus track! 53 00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:13,534 * I drink from a sippy cup, sippy cup, sippy cup * 54 00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:17,238 * I drink from a sippy cup 'cause I'm a big kid now * 55 00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:20,674 * Bye-bye, boobies, bye-bye, boobies * 56 00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:24,378 * Bye-bye, boobies, 'cause I'm a big kid now. * 57 00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:26,714 Call now, and you'll also receive 58 00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:29,750 a bonus Charlie Waffles scratch-'n'-sniff poster. 59 00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:32,686 It smells just like maple syrup! 60 00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:34,922 What, they couldn't make it smell like bourbon? 61 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,690 Operators are standing by. 62 00:02:36,757 --> 00:02:39,627 Give your child the gift of music. 63 00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:40,961 Who loves kids? 64 00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:42,763 KIDS: Charlie Waffles! 65 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,598 Right! 66 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,834 That's it. 67 00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:48,236 What do you think? 68 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,772 I'm going back to bed. 69 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:54,342 What about you? 70 00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:57,445 You couldn't have TiVo'd this? 71 00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,713 Hey, Charlie Waffles may love kids, 72 00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:03,984 but he's getting pretty sick of you! 73 00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:06,620 Oh, boy. Dharma and Greg. 74 00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:13,427 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 75 00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:16,797 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 76 00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:19,767 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 77 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:21,869 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 78 00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:36,917 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men... * 79 00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:40,220 why you wanted to come shopping with me. 80 00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:41,422 I told you. 81 00:03:41,489 --> 00:03:42,656 I've gotta pick up something. 82 00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:44,458 You could've just put it to the list. 83 00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:46,860 Hey, maybe I just want to hang out with my brother. 84 00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,529 Really? Oh, well, that's, uh, 85 00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,698 that's a very nice... Get away. Get away. Get away. 86 00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:55,836 Of course. 87 00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:05,746 Excuse me. 88 00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:08,115 Do you know where the chewable vitamins are? 89 00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:11,752 Oh, I think they're... 90 00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:13,287 Oh, my God, you're him. 91 00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:14,455 I'm sorry? 92 00:04:14,522 --> 00:04:15,956 You're Charlie Waffles, right? 93 00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:18,091 You caught me. 94 00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:20,328 My daughter just loves your songs. 95 00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:22,596 Oh, gee, you don't know how that fills my heart. 96 00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:27,200 There's about to be a vomit spill on aisle three. 97 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,869 How old is your little girl? 98 00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,538 Five. No way. 99 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,640 What, did you have her when you were 12? 100 00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:34,642 Oh, you're sweet. I know. 101 00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:36,009 Hey, she's not going to believe I met you. 102 00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:37,378 Can I take a picture of you? 103 00:04:37,445 --> 00:04:39,613 Better still, let's take one together. 104 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:40,748 Oh, okay. 105 00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,850 Excuse me, sir. Would you take our picture? 106 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:47,187 Sir? 107 00:04:47,254 --> 00:04:49,457 Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. 108 00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:54,495 Say Waffles. 109 00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:55,996 Waffles! Waffles! 110 00:04:57,865 --> 00:04:58,298 Thanks, pal. 111 00:04:58,366 --> 00:04:59,500 Thank you. 112 00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:00,934 And don't let your husband see that. 113 00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:04,372 He might get the wrong idea about Charlie Waffles. 114 00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:06,173 Oh, there is no husband. 115 00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:07,341 No kidding. 116 00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:09,743 (quietly): Oh, my God. 117 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,212 Jodie is going to love this. 118 00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:13,647 I'm going to save it for her birthday. 119 00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:15,449 Her birthday's coming up? 120 00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:16,550 This weekend she'll be six. 121 00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,586 Oh, what a magical age. 122 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,120 Mm-hmm. Tell you what, 123 00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:22,189 how would Jodie like a free 124 00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:24,257 Charlie Waffles birthday concert? 125 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,026 You would do that? 126 00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:27,828 Who loves kids? 127 00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:29,963 Charlie Waffles. 128 00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:31,899 Right. 129 00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:33,801 Call me. 130 00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:36,504 Oh, look, it's got a little waffle on it. 131 00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,105 How adorable. 132 00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:43,844 Told you I had to pick something up. 133 00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:46,714 * Men. * 134 00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:50,117 * Grandma may smell funny, but hug her anyway * 135 00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:54,021 * Accept her stinky kisses, and then go out and play * 136 00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:57,625 * But she's got all the money, so you might just want to stay * 137 00:05:57,691 --> 00:06:02,362 * Oh, Grandma may smell funny, but hug her anyway * 138 00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:04,064 * Hug her anyway 139 00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:05,799 * She's old, hug her anyway 140 00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,735 * She stinks, hug her anyway 141 00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,202 * She's rich, hug her anyway... * 142 00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:10,404 Pretty catchy, huh? 143 00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:13,474 So is gonorrhea. 144 00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:15,909 Drinking from the well of bitterness, are we? 145 00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:18,812 I just don't understand what kind of spiteful god 146 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,682 could allow my drunken whoremonger of a brother 147 00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:23,484 to become a children's singing star 148 00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:26,720 while I to toil away in poverty-stricken anonymity? 149 00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:28,656 You want to talk to me about toiling away 150 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:30,924 in poverty-stricken anonymity? 151 00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,192 No. 152 00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:33,594 Sorry. 153 00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:35,596 I'm sure you've got it worse than I do. 154 00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:38,766 Whoa, whoa, I wouldn't go that far. 155 00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:41,301 What I'm trying to say 156 00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:42,736 is there's another way to look at this. 157 00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:43,604 What's that? 158 00:06:43,671 --> 00:06:45,639 We're all in this together. 159 00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:48,108 Your brother's success is our success. 160 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,443 His home is our home. 161 00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:50,811 And most importantly, 162 00:06:50,878 --> 00:06:53,447 when he's got a load on, his car is my car. 163 00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:58,552 Hey, Berta, guess what? 164 00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:00,721 I got another big royalty check. 165 00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:02,956 Oh, honey, good for you. 166 00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:05,192 Why don't you celebrate with a drink? 167 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:06,059 I think I will. 168 00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:09,997 Hey, Alan, guess what? 169 00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:11,465 Yeah, I heard. 170 00:07:11,532 --> 00:07:12,666 Another big check. 171 00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:15,335 (listlessly): Yay. 172 00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:18,371 You know what's a great place to pick up single moms? 173 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,040 The parking lot of Chuck E. Cheese. 174 00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:21,542 You didn't. 175 00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:23,010 And not just moms. 176 00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:28,148 Nannies, aunts, and a couple of very doable grandmas. 177 00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:31,118 Do you have any shame? 178 00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:34,187 No. Why? 179 00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:37,257 (phone rings) 180 00:07:37,324 --> 00:07:39,126 Hello? 181 00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:41,228 Hang on. 182 00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:44,832 Who loves kids? 183 00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:47,400 Oh, hey, Artie, just got the check. Thanks. 184 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,169 What's up? 185 00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:50,971 Sure, I'll sign some CDs. 186 00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:52,606 Where? 187 00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:54,842 They got bookstores just for kids? 188 00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,009 Who knew? 189 00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,679 Everyone but you. 190 00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:00,047 Okay, I'll be there. 191 00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:01,314 Thanks a lot. 192 00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:02,616 Hey, Alan, guess what? 193 00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:03,584 There's no god. 194 00:08:03,651 --> 00:08:05,553 Oh, on the contrary, 195 00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:08,789 there is a god and he love me long time. 196 00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:17,197 * Who barfed in the fishbowl, who could it be? * 197 00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:18,999 * Who barfed in the fishbowl? 198 00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:20,668 * Oh, wait, it's me Everybody. 199 00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:23,170 KIDS (singing along): * Fish food, fish food 200 00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:25,606 * I made some fish food 201 00:08:25,673 --> 00:08:29,009 * Fish food, fish food, Mommy come and see. * 202 00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:34,414 * Men. * 203 00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:38,451 "Love, Charlie Waffles." 204 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:39,820 Here you go, Dakota. 205 00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:41,354 What do we say to Mr. Waffles? 206 00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:43,456 Thank you, Mr. Waffles. 207 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,158 No, thank you, sweetheart. 208 00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:46,459 And thank you, Mommy. 209 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:49,630 So tell me, is there a Mrs. Waffles? 210 00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:50,798 Sadly, no. 211 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,867 Well, maybe this will cheer you up. 212 00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:57,237 Come on, honey. 213 00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:59,807 Oh, it do indeed. 214 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,274 The guy's a phenomenon. 215 00:09:01,341 --> 00:09:03,376 The label's already moved a hundred thousand units 216 00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:04,745 in less than two weeks. 217 00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:08,315 The Wiggles can kiss my pasty, white tushie. 218 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,350 I'm sorry. Who are you? 219 00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:12,052 I'm Artie Pliskin, 220 00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:14,087 President and CEO of Fluffy Bunny Records. 221 00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:15,255 And you are? 222 00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:16,990 Oh. Alan, Charlie's brother. 223 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,159 Oh, you're the sponge. Pleasure. 224 00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:23,330 Same here. 225 00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:26,700 Do you believe in God, Artie? 226 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,001 I'll tell you what I believe in. 227 00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,203 Regular prostate exams, full release massage 228 00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,972 and Charlie freakin' Waffles. 229 00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:37,978 Okay, kids, 230 00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:40,648 Charlie Waffles needs to take a little potty break, 231 00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:42,315 but he'll be right back. 232 00:09:42,382 --> 00:09:45,218 In the meantime, why don't you all sing along. 233 00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:47,087 (music begins playing) 234 00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:48,822 (singing along with CD): * It's potty time, can't hold it * 235 00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:50,991 * Can't hold it, can't hold it * 236 00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:54,728 Here, put this in the Mommy and Me pile. 237 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,563 I'll be right back. 238 00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:57,998 Alan, this is nothing compared to the concert 239 00:09:58,065 --> 00:09:59,399 he's going to give next weekend. 240 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:00,533 C-concert? 241 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,702 C-concert? 242 00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:03,270 1,200 screaming kids and moms 243 00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:06,306 all dying to hear Charlie Waffles sing in person. 244 00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:08,208 Twelve hundred? 245 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,010 Uh-huh. At 50 bucks a pop. 246 00:10:10,077 --> 00:10:12,579 Wait a minute. He's going to make... 247 00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:15,348 $60,000 off one concert? 248 00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:16,583 Yeah. 249 00:10:16,650 --> 00:10:18,719 Good time to be a sponge, huh? 250 00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,589 I'm not doing any concerts. 251 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:23,691 Why not? 252 00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:25,192 'Cause I'm not. 253 00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:26,593 Case closed. 254 00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:27,961 What's up with him? 255 00:10:28,028 --> 00:10:29,496 It would appear he's displeased 256 00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:32,766 with the latest gold nugget to fall out of his ass. 257 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:33,867 Yeah, well, trust me. 258 00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:35,736 The gold's gonna keep comin' 259 00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:38,739 even if I have to get it myself. 260 00:10:38,806 --> 00:10:42,676 * Potty, potty, potty, potty... * 261 00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,516 So... 262 00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:52,152 waffle for your thoughts? 263 00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:53,453 Leave me alone. 264 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:54,722 I don't understand. 265 00:10:54,788 --> 00:10:56,156 I would think a sold-out concert 266 00:10:56,223 --> 00:10:57,891 would be good news for Charlie Waffles. 267 00:10:57,958 --> 00:10:59,659 Yeah, well, it's not. 268 00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:02,395 Because? 269 00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:05,365 You ever wonder why I never played in a band? 270 00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:08,001 I just figured you were already getting laid so much, 271 00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:10,637 being in a rock band would seem redundant. 272 00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,339 That's not the reason. 273 00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:14,674 Although I did do better than most bass players. 274 00:11:14,742 --> 00:11:17,310 Okay, then what is the reason? 275 00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:19,880 I have stage fright. 276 00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:21,414 You have stage fright? 277 00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:25,786 Severe, debilitating, wet-your-pants stage fright. 278 00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,657 (laughing) 279 00:11:30,724 --> 00:11:32,659 I don't understand. 280 00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:35,328 I've seen you perform. 281 00:11:35,395 --> 00:11:38,465 Well, sure, in the living room for a couple of people. 282 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:39,900 But on a stage with lights, 283 00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:42,135 in front of a crowd that's paying to see me? 284 00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:43,003 (shuddering) 285 00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:46,306 Do you literally pee your pants? 286 00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:49,076 What difference does it make? 287 00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:50,643 I'm just saying your audience is composed 288 00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,079 of a lot of bed-wetters. 289 00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:55,082 They might get a kick out of seeing you soil yourself. 290 00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:56,850 And you think that would be funny? 291 00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:57,951 Well, I wouldn't, 292 00:11:58,018 --> 00:12:00,420 but I'm not your audience. 293 00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:05,658 (phone ringing) 294 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,895 Hello. 295 00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:10,297 I don't know what to tell you, Artie. 296 00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:11,564 I can't do it. 297 00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:13,700 I don't need a reason why. 298 00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:15,002 Just tell him the truth. 299 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,204 It's show business, Alan. 300 00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:19,072 You don't tell people the truth. 301 00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:23,576 Look, I'll make the CDs. I'll shoot the commercials. 302 00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:24,912 I'll even do the bookstores. 303 00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:26,246 Just no concerts. 304 00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:31,018 Hey, I don't have to do anything. 305 00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,386 Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do, sue me? 306 00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:36,323 Really? 307 00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:39,860 Can he sue me? 308 00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:41,561 Did you sign a contract? 309 00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:43,797 What time's the concert? 310 00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:47,634 Okay, see you Saturday night. 311 00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:50,637 Wait, wait, wait, 11:00 a.m.? 312 00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:53,773 Who goes to concerts at 11:00 a.m.? 313 00:12:53,841 --> 00:12:55,876 Oh, yeah. 314 00:12:57,377 --> 00:12:59,813 Stupid kids. 315 00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:03,116 * Men. 316 00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,451 * A quarter to 1:00 317 00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:07,354 * You want to have a little fun * 318 00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:08,221 * You brush your teeth 319 00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:09,857 * Chh, chh, chh, chh... 320 00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:11,624 * You brush your teeth What are you watching? 321 00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:13,393 The master at work. 322 00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:16,496 * And you wake up in the morning and it's quarter to 2:00 * 323 00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:18,565 * You want to find something to do * 324 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:19,799 * You brush your teeth 325 00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:21,701 * Chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh 326 00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:23,170 * You brush your teeth... 327 00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,938 Oh, Raffi, you magnificent son of a bitch. 328 00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:28,876 How do you do it? 329 00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:30,243 How does he do it, Alan? 330 00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,444 What's he got that I don't? 331 00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:34,381 Well, based on first impressions, 332 00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:37,717 I'd say a genuine love of children and bladder control. 333 00:13:37,784 --> 00:13:40,653 Oh, that was just a cheap shot. 334 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,390 I take 'em when I get 'em. 335 00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:47,427 Look at him, all relaxed and smiling. 336 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:50,363 Last time I was in front of an audience like that, 337 00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:52,132 it was the seventh grade talent show. 338 00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:53,333 I started shaking, sweating. 339 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,168 I felt like I wanted to throw up. 340 00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:57,470 Don't forget peeing in your pants. 341 00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:01,875 You keep pitching me fat ones. 342 00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:05,112 I'm not talking to you anymore. 343 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,647 Oh come on, look, if you knew in seventh grade 344 00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:10,517 that you couldn't perform, why'd you become a musician? 345 00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:14,421 Because there's one thing I'm more afraid of than an audience. 346 00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:16,356 What's that? An honest day's work? 347 00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:20,894 If you knew the answer, why'd you ask the question? 348 00:14:23,296 --> 00:14:24,431 * Men. 349 00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:27,867 KIDS (chanting): Charlie Waffles! Charlie Waffles! 350 00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:28,902 Where the hell is he, Alan? 351 00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:30,470 I don't know. 352 00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,572 He said he wanted to take a walk to calm himself down. 353 00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:34,507 I promise you, I will crucify that son of a bitch. 354 00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:36,443 The two of you are going to be living in box 355 00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:39,012 over a heating vent when I get through suing him. 356 00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:42,882 Could it be a box with a guest room? 357 00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:44,417 CHARLIE: Hey, Alan... 358 00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:47,554 I figured out what went wrong in seventh grade. 359 00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:48,688 What? 360 00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:51,524 I hadn't started drinking yet. 361 00:14:53,026 --> 00:14:54,794 Charlie, you have to get out there. 362 00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:56,663 You're right. 363 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,466 The little bastards await. 364 00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:05,939 You can't sue him if he just stinks, right? 365 00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:08,308 (cheering) 366 00:15:12,812 --> 00:15:14,747 Who loves kids? 367 00:15:14,814 --> 00:15:17,517 KIDS: Charlie Waffles! 368 00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:19,486 You're damn right! 369 00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:30,697 (laughing) 370 00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:40,840 (playing piano intro) 371 00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:41,908 (loud belch) 372 00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:43,576 (laughter) 373 00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:49,082 That one's not on the CD. 374 00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:53,020 Let's try this again. 375 00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:59,993 * I drink from a sippy cup, sippy cup, sippy cup * 376 00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:02,662 * I drink from a sippy cup 'cause I'm a big kid now * 377 00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:04,364 Come on! 378 00:16:04,431 --> 00:16:08,001 ALL: * I drink from a sippy cup, sippy cup, sippy cup * 379 00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:11,871 * I drink from a sippy cup 'cause I'm a big kid now * 380 00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:14,141 * Bye-bye, boobies... 381 00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:15,775 They love him. 382 00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:17,777 How can they love him? 383 00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:19,079 Who cares? 384 00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:21,114 We're gonna make a fortune. 385 00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:23,116 Doesn't it bother you that he's loaded? 386 00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:24,751 He's a musician. 387 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,686 It'd bother me if he wasn't. 388 00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:33,826 * Bye-bye, boobies, bye-bye, boobies * 389 00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:37,764 * Bye-bye, boobies 390 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,333 * 'Cause I'm a big kid now. 391 00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:45,238 (cheering) 392 00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:46,773 Who loves boobies? 393 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:50,377 KIDS: Charlie Waffles! 394 00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,147 Right. 395 00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:03,022 * I love boobies, I love boobies * 396 00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:04,357 * I love boobies 397 00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:06,459 * 'Cause I'm a big kid now 398 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:07,527 Come on! 399 00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:09,829 * I love boobies, I love boobies * 400 00:17:09,896 --> 00:17:11,331 * I love boobies 401 00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:13,533 * 'Cause I'm a big kid now... 402 00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:19,038 Hi. 403 00:17:19,106 --> 00:17:21,074 Hey. 404 00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:22,609 What are you doing up so late? 405 00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:24,411 I couldn't sleep. 406 00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:27,480 Something bothering you? 407 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:28,448 It's nothing. 408 00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:30,950 Oh, come on. I'm your brother. 409 00:17:31,017 --> 00:17:32,619 You can tell me anything. 410 00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:33,620 (sighs) 411 00:17:33,686 --> 00:17:35,422 Well, the truth is... 412 00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:37,957 your life has been going so great lately, 413 00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:40,393 it's been bringing up a lot of old resentment in me... 414 00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:41,928 TV ANNOUNCER: Who loves kids? 415 00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:45,098 KIDS: Charlie Waffles! 416 00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:46,399 Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! 417 00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:47,934 ANNOUNCER: For the first time anywhere, 418 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,370 if your kids love Charlie Waffles, 419 00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:53,406 they'll love him even more live! 420 00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:57,677 * When Mom's a big meanie and serves you zucchini * 421 00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,146 * What do you do? 422 00:17:59,212 --> 00:18:00,747 * What do you do? 423 00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:03,116 * Feed it to the dog 424 00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:04,751 * Woof! Woof! 425 00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:06,286 * Feed it to the dog 426 00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:08,155 * Woof! Woof! 427 00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:10,623 TV ANNOUNCER: That's right. Charlie's first sold-out concert 428 00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:13,926 can be yours on DVD for only $29.99. 429 00:18:13,993 --> 00:18:16,763 (singing with kids): * Who barfed in the fishbowl? 430 00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:19,031 * Who could it be? 431 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,833 * Who barfed in the fishbowl? 432 00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,435 * Oh, wait, it's me! 433 00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:26,373 * Fish food, fish food, I made some fish food * 434 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,741 * Fish food, fish food 435 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:30,477 * Mommy, come and see. 436 00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:32,379 ANNOUNCER: Plus, if you order now... 437 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:33,913 You know what's funny, Alan? 438 00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:37,250 I was so hammered, I have no memory of that concert. 439 00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:41,087 Gee... that is funny. 440 00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:43,089 WOMAN (singsongy): Oh, Charlie Waffles?! 441 00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:44,357 Yeah, baby?! 442 00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:46,726 Who loves boobies?! 443 00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:48,895 Coming! 444 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,297 Excuse me. 445 00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:52,865 Time to butter up the old waffle. 446 00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:57,136 Yeah, well, thanks for the talk. 447 00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:57,904 What talk? 448 00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,639 Go. 449 00:18:59,706 --> 00:19:00,740 Butter. 450 00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:07,180 KIDS: * Can't hold it! * 451 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:08,915 * It's potty time, can't hold it * 452 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:12,118 * Can't hold it! Can't hold it! * 453 00:19:12,185 --> 00:19:13,920 * Potty! Potty! 454 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,389 * Potty! Pot-tay! 455 00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:18,891 * Potty! Potty! 456 00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:20,760 * Potty! Pot-tay! 457 00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,429 * I'm not wearing a diaper and I'm not in the pool * 458 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,864 * Get out of the bathroom, gotta go, fool! * 459 00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:27,667 * Potty! Potty! Potty! 460 00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,001 * Pot-tay! 461 00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:30,903 * It might be number one, it might be number two * 462 00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:33,406 * I don't know yet and neither do you * 463 00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:36,075 * Potty! Potty! 464 00:19:36,142 --> 00:19:42,882 * Potty! Pot-tay!