1 00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:05,906 Just once I'd like to get clothes that fit now. 2 00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:07,141 Yeah, well, quit going through puberty 3 00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:08,576 and we'll talk about it. 4 00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:12,080 Quit being so cheap, and we'll talk about it. 5 00:00:12,146 --> 00:00:14,648 Hey, hey, watch your mouth. 6 00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:17,751 Hard to punish him for telling the truth. 7 00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:19,153 Oh, yeah? Wait till he tries on 8 00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:20,588 the underwear I bought him. 9 00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:23,891 What's that? 10 00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:25,393 Uh, decorative bowl. 11 00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:27,161 I thought it'd be perfect to put our keys in. 12 00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:29,697 Yeah, well, I don't like it. 13 00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:31,031 Take it back. 14 00:00:31,099 --> 00:00:32,700 But it was on sale. 15 00:00:32,766 --> 00:00:35,103 I don't care if you got it free with a paid subscription 16 00:00:35,169 --> 00:00:37,771 to Ugly Bowl Illustrated. 17 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:44,011 I don't want it on my table. 18 00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:45,045 Why not? 19 00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:46,480 "Why not?" 20 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,015 Look around. 21 00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:49,450 It doesn't fit the decor. 22 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,053 Decor? 23 00:00:53,121 --> 00:00:55,089 You, uh, you call this "decor"? 24 00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:57,891 What would you call it? 25 00:00:57,958 --> 00:01:00,228 Random crapola. 26 00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:05,733 The deep sea helmet, the fake jazz posters. 27 00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:08,102 Add an old snow sled and a couple of baseball pennants 28 00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:10,070 and you can open a T.G.I. Fridays. 29 00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:11,605 Excuse me, 30 00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:14,175 but everything in this house has a story behind it. 31 00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:15,676 Oh. Oh, really? 32 00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:19,347 Oh, so what's the story behind this urn thing? 33 00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,815 Some girl gave that to me. 34 00:01:21,882 --> 00:01:23,016 That's it? 35 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,618 She spent the weekend. 36 00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:26,687 Ooh, great story. 37 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:28,422 No, great weekend. 38 00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:31,592 Okay, okay, what about, uh... 39 00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:35,129 this umbrella stand that has no umbrellas? 40 00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:36,297 A girl gave me that, too. 41 00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:37,365 Another great weekend? 42 00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,133 Not so great. It was raining. 43 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,202 All right, why don't you just pretend 44 00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:42,803 a girl gave you this bowl? 45 00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:44,372 It doesn't work that way. 46 00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:48,442 You'd have to wear high heels and give it to me naked, 47 00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,010 and nobody wants that. 48 00:01:50,077 --> 00:01:51,212 Fine. Whatever. 49 00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:52,546 I like the bowl. 50 00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:55,683 Okay, Alan, you're not feeling me. 51 00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:59,620 I don't want your bowl on my table. 52 00:01:59,687 --> 00:02:02,055 So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house? 53 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:04,358 Hey, leave Jake out of this. 54 00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:11,765 Very funny-- you know what I mean. 55 00:02:11,832 --> 00:02:13,867 Actually, I don't. 56 00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:17,238 The fact is, this house reeks of you and your crap. 57 00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:18,272 Oh, really? Like what? 58 00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:19,607 Like this lamp. 59 00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:21,775 You bought this lamp-- I hate this lamp. 60 00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:22,976 Then why didn't you just say something 61 00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:24,378 when I bought it two years ago? 62 00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:26,914 Because I didn't notice it until recently. 63 00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:30,551 And the couch. 64 00:02:30,618 --> 00:02:31,819 You reupholstered the couch, 65 00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:32,720 and I liked it better the way it was. 66 00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:34,388 Stained? 67 00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:37,491 Hey, every one of those stains had a story behind it. 68 00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:42,996 Oh, ugh! 69 00:02:43,063 --> 00:02:46,200 What I'm saying is, you got nothing to complain about. 70 00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:48,236 You got your food in my refrigerator, 71 00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:50,371 your car in my garage and your stupid 72 00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:52,606 flowered towels in my guest bathroom. 73 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:53,941 Hey, those towels are very pretty. 74 00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,276 They brighten up the whole room. 75 00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:58,111 They're gay, and they scream "civil union." 76 00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,580 Oh, they do not! 77 00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:03,484 "We're here, we're queer, dry your hands on us." 78 00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:05,953 Okay, okay, you know what? 79 00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,355 You are being ridiculous. 80 00:03:07,421 --> 00:03:08,989 When you want to have a rational conversation, 81 00:03:09,056 --> 00:03:10,057 I'll be in my room. 82 00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:12,192 It's not your room. 83 00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:13,427 It's my guestroom. 84 00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:15,128 Oh, well, obviously, we disagree 85 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,330 about my role in this household. 86 00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:17,865 We sure do. 87 00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:20,834 You think you have one... and I don't. 88 00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:22,202 (sighs angrily) 89 00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:27,275 And get rid of that welcome mat you put on my front porch! 90 00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:29,510 No one's welcome here. 91 00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:33,714 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 92 00:03:33,781 --> 00:03:37,084 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 93 00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:40,187 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 94 00:03:40,254 --> 00:03:42,323 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 95 00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:44,725 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 96 00:03:44,792 --> 00:03:47,828 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 97 00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:52,600 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 98 00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:01,108 Charlie, I'm telling you right now 99 00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:02,976 I'm not gonna sleep with you tonight. 100 00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:04,945 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 101 00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:07,247 Where'd that come from? 102 00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:09,016 Buy you a couple of drinks, 103 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,285 invite you back to my house, and all of a sudden 104 00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:12,653 you think I want to sleep with you? 105 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,756 You mean, you don't? 106 00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:17,591 Hey, we just met. 107 00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:19,560 Let's talk, get to know each other. 108 00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:21,629 If later down the road, 109 00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:23,297 something happens, great. 110 00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:25,399 If not, we've each made a new friend. 111 00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:28,235 That is very sweet. 112 00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:30,003 Well, my mother raised me 113 00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:33,173 to be respectful of women, and I've always said... 114 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,643 Son of a bitch! 115 00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,147 What? 116 00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:42,249 That. 117 00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:44,084 That's what. 118 00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,953 Butterscotch candies? 119 00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,388 In about 30 seconds, 120 00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:49,957 they're gonna be butterscotch suppositories. 121 00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:53,727 (TV playing softly) 122 00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,869 So you noticed it. 123 00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:04,137 Maybe I didn't make myself clear. 124 00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:07,007 I don't want this stupid bowl in my living room. 125 00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:10,277 No, you said you didn't want it on the front table for keys. 126 00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:12,946 So I put it on the coffee table for candy. 127 00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:16,750 Yeah, well, now it's on your head for a hat. 128 00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:19,787 I am sorry. 129 00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:21,822 I had to set my brother straight. 130 00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:23,924 ALAN: I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this. 131 00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:25,292 It is a nice bowl. 132 00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:26,927 It is a hideous bowl that makes me nauseous 133 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,429 just to look at it. 134 00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:30,330 You're being ridiculous-- isn't this a nice bowl? 135 00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:31,164 It's okay. 136 00:05:31,231 --> 00:05:32,466 See? Two against one. 137 00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,234 No, no, no. No, there's no voting. 138 00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:35,936 You're just a freeloader, 139 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,338 and she's just some one-night stand I picked up in a ba... 140 00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:39,973 Damn! 141 00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:43,243 Good-bye, Charlie. 142 00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:45,413 Oh, come on. Don't leave. 143 00:05:45,479 --> 00:05:47,347 You know what the worst part is? 144 00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:49,483 I actually believed the things you said. 145 00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:50,984 You're kidding? 146 00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:57,391 Thanks a lot. What did I do? 147 00:05:57,458 --> 00:05:59,292 You just made me blow a sure thing. 148 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:00,327 She didn't look like a sure thing to me. 149 00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:02,295 I could have brought her around. 150 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,131 Okay. Why don't we just admit it? 151 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,233 This isn't about the bowl, and this isn't about the girl. 152 00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:07,968 This is about my place in this house. 153 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:11,338 No, no, it is about the bowl, it is about the girl, 154 00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:13,340 and you have no place in this house. 155 00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:14,408 Oh, you really believe that? 156 00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:16,309 What do you want from me, Alan? 157 00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:17,911 I took you in; I took your kid in. 158 00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:20,848 All I ask is you don't fill up my home with your junk! 159 00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:23,250 It's not junk-- it's an inlaid mosaic dish 160 00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:25,453 handcrafted on the island of Macao. 161 00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:27,020 Yeah, well... 162 00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:33,694 Now it's rubble from the island of Macao. 163 00:06:37,264 --> 00:06:39,199 I hope you're happy. 164 00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:42,002 Really? I don't think you do. 165 00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:44,171 Let me tell you something, Charlie. 166 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:47,240 You said you took me and my kid into your home, 167 00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:48,375 but you didn't. 168 00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:50,177 You took us into your house. 169 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:51,311 We made it a home. 170 00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:52,780 Is that so? Yes, that's so. 171 00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:55,282 Before we got here, this was just a big empty space 172 00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:57,885 where you just sat around, got drunk and had casual sex 173 00:06:57,951 --> 00:06:59,920 with women you don't even care about. 174 00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:02,456 There was no love, no family and no meaning. 175 00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:06,026 There's a word for that, Alan: utopia. 176 00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:09,029 I heard something break. 177 00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,430 And you're just coming out now? 178 00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:13,066 I was establishing my alibi. 179 00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:17,404 Go pack your stuff. We're leaving. 180 00:07:17,471 --> 00:07:19,039 But I have an alibi. 181 00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:21,041 You're my son. 182 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:22,442 Where I go, you go. 183 00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:25,679 I don't remember that in the custody agreement. 184 00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:30,117 * Men... 185 00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:35,022 Okay, we're leaving. 186 00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:36,957 Say good-bye to your Uncle Charlie. 187 00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,191 Bye, Uncle Charlie. 188 00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:40,193 You don't have to go, Jake. 189 00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:42,195 See? 190 00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:44,131 Get in the car. 191 00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:46,734 But he likes me. 192 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,401 I'm not bluffing, Charlie. 193 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,070 (TV playing softly) 194 00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:51,639 If you're not willing to acknowledge me 195 00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:53,507 as an equal member of this household, 196 00:07:53,574 --> 00:07:55,743 then I can't live here anymore. 197 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,010 (sighs) 198 00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:59,513 Is that all it'll take to get you to stay? 199 00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:00,914 Yes. 200 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,683 Buh-bye. 201 00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:10,558 * Men... 202 00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:13,426 So... this is about a bowl. 203 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,862 No, the bowl is a symbol. 204 00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:15,896 Of what? 205 00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:17,464 How your Uncle Charlie treats us. 206 00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:19,066 He treats me fine. No, he doesn't. 207 00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:21,301 Yeah, he does. 208 00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:23,604 Okay, I don't want to talk about this anymore. 209 00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:25,438 How come when I don't want to talk about stuff, 210 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,174 we still have to talk about it? 211 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,710 Just be quiet. 212 00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:32,580 So, uh... 213 00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:33,881 we going to a hotel? 214 00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:36,717 We don't need hotels, buddy. 215 00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:39,252 We're two single guys on the open road, 216 00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:40,721 footloose and fancy-free. 217 00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:42,823 The whole world is at our feet. 218 00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:46,727 If you're too cheap for a hotel, 219 00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:49,663 I call the back seat. 220 00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,431 * Men... 221 00:08:51,498 --> 00:08:53,567 (doorbell rings) 222 00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,402 (camera whirring) 223 00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:57,070 EVELYN (over intercom): Hello? 224 00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:59,673 Hi, Mom. 225 00:09:00,507 --> 00:09:03,010 Hi, Grandma. 226 00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:05,545 It's late. What do you want? 227 00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:07,514 Charlie and I had a fight. 228 00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:09,516 Jake and I need a place to sleep. 229 00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:10,751 Only 'cause he's too cheap to get a... 230 00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:13,654 We need a place to sleep. 231 00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:15,488 We have nowhere else to go. 232 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,991 Oh, wonderful. 233 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,227 Be right there. 234 00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:23,163 Are you sure we can't sleep in the car? 235 00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:24,932 * Men... 236 00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:31,672 Can you believe it? My own brother. 237 00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:34,074 He likes me. 238 00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:36,710 Hey, when I want your opinion, I'll ask for it. 239 00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:40,681 And then I said that if he's not willing to acknowledge me 240 00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,415 as an equal member of the household, 241 00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:44,484 then... I can't live there anymore. 242 00:09:44,551 --> 00:09:49,389 So... this is about a bowl? 243 00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:51,992 No. Haven't you been listening? 244 00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:53,393 Frankly, no. 245 00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:56,830 Don't feel bad-- I thought it was about a bowl, too. 246 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,000 So look, Alan. 247 00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:02,002 I just got back from a long business trip, 248 00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:05,639 and your mom and I were about to... 249 00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,008 ...catch up. 250 00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:09,409 Oh, ugh. 251 00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:13,280 Would you like to sleep in your father's car tonight? 252 00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:14,882 Actually, yes. 253 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,350 Look, look, uh... 254 00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:18,752 we're sorry for barging in. 255 00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,487 Jake and I will just bunk in the guest room. 256 00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:22,189 Come on. 257 00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:23,724 You know, I'm really getting tired 258 00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:26,359 of this "where I go, you go" stuff. 259 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,262 Oh, great. 260 00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:33,033 Now we have to put on clothes for breakfast. 261 00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:35,402 That's the least of our problems. 262 00:10:36,904 --> 00:10:40,007 All our leather gear is in the guest room. 263 00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:48,682 * Men... 264 00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:52,085 Morning. 265 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,320 Morning. 266 00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:55,622 I couldn't help but notice the guys from Goodwill 267 00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:58,158 hauling away Alan's hide-a-bed. 268 00:10:58,225 --> 00:10:59,760 Oh, yeah. 269 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:01,561 He doesn't live here anymore. 270 00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:03,196 No kidding. 271 00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:04,531 Alan's gone? 272 00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:06,333 Yep. Wow. 273 00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:08,902 So you couldn't think for even a second 274 00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:12,172 that I might want a hide-a-bed? 275 00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:14,842 Sorry. 276 00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,177 You want some flowered towels? 277 00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:19,079 Pass. 278 00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:21,281 So what broke you two love birds up? 279 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,950 He crossed a line. 280 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,551 Must've been a big one. 281 00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:25,552 Very big. 282 00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:27,420 Was it money? 283 00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:28,321 Worse. 284 00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:29,622 A woman? Worse. 285 00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,291 What's worse than money and women? 286 00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:36,329 He bought an ugly bowl and put it on the front table. 287 00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:41,401 No. 288 00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,837 Then, when I told him to get rid of it, 289 00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:46,539 he filled it with candy and put it on the coffee table. 290 00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:48,708 Dear God. 291 00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,279 What kind of candy? 292 00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:53,480 Butterscotch. 293 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:54,381 Mmm. 294 00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:57,751 I mean, the son of bitch. 295 00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:01,254 Are you making fun of me? 296 00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:03,156 I'm trying. 297 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,793 So, what? You think I should just let him... 298 00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:07,895 put a candy dish wherever he wants? 299 00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:09,562 No, you're right. 300 00:12:09,629 --> 00:12:11,298 He obviously had to go. 301 00:12:11,364 --> 00:12:14,467 He's an ungrateful parasite who overstepped his boundaries. 302 00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:15,635 Exactly. 303 00:12:15,702 --> 00:12:16,970 While, you, on the other hand, 304 00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:18,705 are a completely reasonable man 305 00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:20,507 with no control issues whatsoever. 306 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,210 I don't pay you to mock me. 307 00:12:23,276 --> 00:12:25,946 Charlie, you'd have to pay me not to. 308 00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:29,416 * Men... 309 00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:36,990 Fruit. 310 00:12:37,057 --> 00:12:38,959 That's all you got, fruit? 311 00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:41,862 Don't you ever have fruit for breakfast? 312 00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:44,331 Well, yeah, Franken Berries. 313 00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:46,733 Oh. Well, I'm sorry, sweetheart. 314 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,635 If I had known you were coming, 315 00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:49,903 I would have stocked up on crap. 316 00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:52,973 Well, maybe we can go crap shopping later. 317 00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:55,342 TEDDY: So, um... 318 00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:56,509 what's the plan? 319 00:12:56,576 --> 00:13:00,413 You gonna patch things up with your brother and... 320 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:01,882 go home? 321 00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:04,417 Not until he apologizes. 322 00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:05,452 Oh, sweet Lord. 323 00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:06,786 Aw, geez. 324 00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:09,022 Don't worry, I'll find my own place. 325 00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:10,757 We'll only be here a few days, tops. 326 00:13:10,824 --> 00:13:12,459 Yeah, right. 327 00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:14,327 That's what you told Uncle Charlie when we moved there. 328 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,864 ALAN: Hey, if you'll remember, 329 00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:20,067 when Judith and I broke up, you were begging me to live here. 330 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,569 Yes, well, I didn't have a boyfriend then 331 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:23,937 and Jake was still cute. 332 00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:29,342 Alan, can we have a little man-to-man? 333 00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,879 Sure. 334 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:37,584 I'm just going through an awkward stage. 335 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,552 You hope. 336 00:13:43,723 --> 00:13:46,693 Alan, I know how you feel. 337 00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:48,561 I had an older brother, too. 338 00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:50,697 Really? Yep. 339 00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:52,299 Scotty. 340 00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:53,566 I worshiped him. 341 00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:57,504 But ever since I can remember, he did everything he could 342 00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:58,771 to make my life miserable. 343 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,640 That's my life with Charlie. 344 00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:02,709 No kidding. 345 00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:04,311 Then maybe my experience can help you. 346 00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:07,747 When my parents died, Scotty took me in. 347 00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:10,450 It was just the two of us. 348 00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,419 Then one day I got so angry 349 00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:15,422 with the way he was treating me, I walked out. 350 00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:18,625 I haven't seen or talked to him in, I don't know, 351 00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,660 maybe 35 years. 352 00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:22,629 Wow. Yep. 353 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:23,964 I don't know where he lives. 354 00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:26,766 I don't know whether he's alive or dead. 355 00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:28,969 All I do know 356 00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:30,971 is he's the only family I have left 357 00:14:31,038 --> 00:14:34,774 in the world and despite all the bad stuff, 358 00:14:34,841 --> 00:14:36,643 I want him back in my life. 359 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:41,314 But it's too late for me. 360 00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:45,919 I'm not going back to Charlie's unless he apologizes. 361 00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:50,890 Yeah. That's what I said about my brother Artie. 362 00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:54,161 I thought his name was Scotty. 363 00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:59,432 I had two brothers. 364 00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:01,534 * Men... 365 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:12,079 What are you doing? 366 00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:15,682 Just... looking. 367 00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,450 You miss him, don't you? 368 00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:21,188 No, I'm trying to figure out if there's room for a pool table. 369 00:15:28,628 --> 00:15:31,364 (doorbell rings) 370 00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:34,567 Oh, hey, Teddy. 371 00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:35,468 Charlie, got a minute? 372 00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:37,570 Sure, I guess. Come on in. 373 00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:39,472 Thanks. 374 00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:41,641 Hey, what about air hockey and a wet bar...? 375 00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:43,810 Hello. 376 00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:45,612 How are ya? 377 00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:47,880 Better now. 378 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,382 Charlie? 379 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:50,883 What? 380 00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,685 Introduce us, you pork-head. 381 00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:53,987 Oh, sorry. 382 00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:55,355 Berta, this is my mom's boyfriend, Teddy. 383 00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:56,689 Teddy, my housekeeper, Berta. 384 00:15:56,756 --> 00:15:57,991 A pleasure. 385 00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:01,094 It could be if you play your cards right. 386 00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:08,968 Whoa. 387 00:16:09,036 --> 00:16:10,703 You'll be fine. 388 00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:13,906 Just don't wander into the laundry room without backup. 389 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,408 Fine. Listen. 390 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,410 I got a situation here with your brother. 391 00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:18,478 I'm sorry, Teddy. 392 00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:20,213 He cannot come back until he apologizes. 393 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,381 I understand, but the thing is... 394 00:16:21,448 --> 00:16:22,815 Did he tell you about the bowl? 395 00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:25,052 Repeatedly. 396 00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:27,087 And I know what you're going through. 397 00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:28,921 I had a younger brother, too. 398 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,024 Really? Yeah, Scotty. 399 00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:33,960 A worthless sponge who lived off me for years 400 00:16:34,027 --> 00:16:36,929 and never showed any appreciation. 401 00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,798 That's my life with Alan. 402 00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:40,567 No kidding. 403 00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:42,935 Well then, maybe my experience could help you. 404 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,937 When my parents died... 405 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,674 I took Scotty in, and... 406 00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:52,812 Here's your father when he was going through his awkward stage. 407 00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,347 He looks exactly the same. 408 00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:58,385 Which is why we can't count on you growing out of it. 409 00:16:58,451 --> 00:17:00,553 Here's your Uncle Charlie in front 410 00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:04,591 of the Beverly Hills Courthouse when he was about 17. 411 00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:06,726 What's he look so happy about? 412 00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:09,096 Being tried as a minor. 413 00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:14,667 Here's one of Grandmommy on a cruise to Mazatlan. 414 00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,769 Who's that lady with her arm around you? 415 00:17:16,836 --> 00:17:20,440 Well, darling, after your grandfather passed away, 416 00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:23,710 Grandmommy wanted to explore her sexuality... 417 00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:25,112 Mom! Mom! 418 00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:28,715 What are you doing? He's only 13. 419 00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:30,350 Oh, please! 420 00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:33,320 When I was 13, I was in an all-girls boarding school, 421 00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:34,854 and we were quite familiar... 422 00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:36,456 Mom! 423 00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:38,425 Hey. 424 00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:40,227 So? 425 00:17:40,927 --> 00:17:42,862 No luck. 426 00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:43,930 Damn. 427 00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:45,298 What's wrong? 428 00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:47,066 Uh, everything's fine, darling. 429 00:17:47,134 --> 00:17:49,602 Why don't we talk in the other room? 430 00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:55,041 Last time I heard that, I ended up in Bible camp. 431 00:17:55,108 --> 00:17:57,910 (indistinct shouting) 432 00:17:57,977 --> 00:17:59,011 They sound angry. 433 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:00,780 Yeah. 434 00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:02,849 TEDDY: ...would stop being such a horse's ass! 435 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,851 What do you think they're arguing about? 436 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,619 I don't know. 437 00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:09,422 Maybe Teddy found out Grandma's part lesbian. 438 00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:15,862 * Men... 439 00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,764 (doorbell rings) 440 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,305 Teddy and I had a fight. 441 00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:34,747 Anyway, I'm sorry. 442 00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:40,553 I love you, and I miss you, and I want you to come back. 443 00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:44,257 What if I want to put a bowl on the coffee table? 444 00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:59,439 Nothing would make me happier. 445 00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:03,443 (softly): As soon as they leave, 446 00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:07,180 I'm tearing off your clothes with my teeth. 447 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:11,017 Terrific. 448 00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:13,253 * Men... 449 00:19:18,725 --> 00:19:20,460 Good. 450 00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:22,462 It wasn't even on sale. 451 00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:23,863 No kidding. Yep. 452 00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:26,899 Paid full retail. $14.99 453 00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:32,905 Anyway, I'm gonna go unpack. 454 00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:34,140 You need some help? 455 00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:36,376 No, I'm good. 456 00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:38,778 Hey, Charlie. 457 00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,480 Yeah? 458 00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:42,615 From the bottom of my heart, 459 00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,851 thank you for being the bigger man here. 460 00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:47,220 Don't mention it. 461 00:19:50,257 --> 00:19:52,425 * Our house 462 00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:55,495 * Is a very, very, very fine house * 463 00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:57,664 * With two cats in the yard 464 00:19:57,730 --> 00:20:00,500 * Life used to be so hard 465 00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,769 * Now everything is easy 'cause.... * 466 00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:11,210 * My house 467 00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:13,346 * In the middle of my street 468 00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:16,148 * My house. 469 00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,951 Mmm, butterscotch.