1 00:00:02,436 --> 00:00:02,903 Hey. 2 00:00:02,970 --> 00:00:03,904 Hey. 3 00:00:03,971 --> 00:00:05,173 What are you doing home? 4 00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:07,341 Linda is spending time with her son tonight. 5 00:00:07,408 --> 00:00:09,277 Apparently, she's one of those single moms 6 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,545 that puts her kid first. 7 00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:14,648 The bitch. 8 00:00:16,817 --> 00:00:20,121 You're just saying that 'cause our mom put us third. 9 00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:23,891 Fourth after she got the Datsun 280-Z. 10 00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:26,627 So whatcha you doing? 11 00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:28,429 Paying our household bills. 12 00:00:28,496 --> 00:00:31,365 You're a good wife, Alan. 13 00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:36,170 I can't believe some lucky fella hasn't snapped you up. 14 00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:38,739 Probably the penis. 15 00:00:40,908 --> 00:00:43,177 That's usually a deal-breaker. 16 00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:46,514 So, how are we doing bill-wise? 17 00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:47,748 Not very well. 18 00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:49,850 Are you aware you haven't had a paying job 19 00:00:49,917 --> 00:00:51,285 in over nine months? 20 00:00:51,352 --> 00:00:55,289 Are you aware that urine cures athlete's foot? 21 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:03,364 Seriously, you've got a big pile of bills and no money coming in. 22 00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:04,965 Seriously, no itching, no burning, 23 00:01:05,032 --> 00:01:06,434 just clears it right up. 24 00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:10,204 The drug companies don't want you to know about it 25 00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:12,373 because it's free. 26 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:15,543 Charlie, you're unemployed! 27 00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:16,844 I know. 28 00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:19,513 Haven't you heard? The jingle business is dead. 29 00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:21,549 How would I hear that? Who would have told me? 30 00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:24,352 It was in all the jingle magazines. 31 00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:28,088 You know, before they went out of business. 32 00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:31,792 Everybody's using old rock songs now. 33 00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:33,161 They're not gonna hire a guy like me 34 00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:34,628 to write a jingle for tampons 35 00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:37,698 when they can just play "Stuck in the Middle with You." 36 00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:46,540 This doesn't concern you at all? 37 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,242 Nah, something will turn up. 38 00:01:48,309 --> 00:01:50,211 How can you be so sure? 39 00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:52,780 Hey, do you have any idea how I got in the jingle business? 40 00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:55,283 No. Neither do I. 41 00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:58,586 But look how good that worked out. 42 00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:01,622 Charlie, you cannot just depend on the kindness of the universe. 43 00:02:01,689 --> 00:02:02,990 I have to. 44 00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:05,459 I don't have an older brother I can sponge off of. 45 00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:11,165 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go pee on my feet. 46 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:16,136 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 47 00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:19,607 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 48 00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:23,911 (muttering) 49 00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:34,388 (muttering louder) 50 00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:42,830 (continues muttering) 51 00:02:57,645 --> 00:02:58,779 Okay... 52 00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:02,616 Oh, crap. 53 00:03:03,951 --> 00:03:05,586 Berta, you got a minute? 54 00:03:05,653 --> 00:03:07,421 What's on your mind, Princess? 55 00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:12,059 Well, um, first and foremost, you know that we consider you 56 00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,627 a beloved member of this family. 57 00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,864 Alan, you can roll manure in powdered sugar, 58 00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:18,932 but it still ain't a jelly donut. 59 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:22,636 Now, now, see, that right there, 60 00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:26,574 that's one of the things that we love about you. 61 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,208 Folksy... Spill it, Mildred. 62 00:03:28,276 --> 00:03:29,677 Right, right. 63 00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:32,313 Well, I'm not sure you're aware of this, 64 00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:33,781 but it's been quite some time 65 00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:35,916 since Charlie has had any actual income. 66 00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:37,651 Okay. 67 00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:40,788 And I can't help but notice that you're the only 68 00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:44,358 beloved family member actually drawing a salary. 69 00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:47,595 I'm also the only beloved family member 70 00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:50,264 who takes a toothbrush to your kid's skivvies. 71 00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:55,803 And... and we can never begin to repay you for that, 72 00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:58,238 but-but during these difficult financial times 73 00:03:58,306 --> 00:03:59,840 we all have to... 74 00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:03,010 For the record, it's not my toothbrush, right? 75 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:08,549 Not right now, but cut my pay and all bets are off. 76 00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:10,250 Come on, Berta. Be reasonable. 77 00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:13,554 This might be more than just a temporary dry spell for Charlie. 78 00:04:13,621 --> 00:04:16,957 Look, I know things may seem dark right now, 79 00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:19,393 but I've known Charlie a lot longer than you have. 80 00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:21,395 Um, technically, that's not true. 81 00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:22,863 Are you gonna let me talk? 82 00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:25,032 Sorry. 83 00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:26,534 One thing I've learned 84 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,369 working for Mr. Charles Roscoe Harper... 85 00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:30,137 His middle name isn't Roscoe... 86 00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:31,939 Who's telling the story?! 87 00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:34,908 Continue. 88 00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:37,244 Anyway, what I've learned is 89 00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:39,313 God takes care of drunks and fools, 90 00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:42,282 and C. Roscoe Harper is both. 91 00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:49,423 His middle name is Francis. 92 00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:54,094 Hey. What's going on? 93 00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:56,296 Trying to save you a little money around here. 94 00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:57,831 Ah. Good man. 95 00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,266 Appreciate it. 96 00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:02,336 Check out what I bought Linda. 97 00:05:05,373 --> 00:05:07,040 Diamond earrings? 98 00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:08,876 She's a classy woman, Alan. 99 00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:11,311 She's not going be impressed with a continental breakfast 100 00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:13,547 and a copy of the video. 101 00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:18,919 Be that as it may, 102 00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:21,889 you can't keep spending money you don't have. 103 00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:23,156 Oh, relax. 104 00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:24,358 Something will turn up. 105 00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:25,726 Will you stop saying that? 106 00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:27,094 Things don't just "turn up." 107 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,396 You're living in a dream world. 108 00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:29,897 Money doesn't just fall from the sky. 109 00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:32,733 Obviously, you've never been sitting ringside 110 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:36,003 when a pole dancer hangs upside down. 111 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,975 * Men. 112 00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,611 So did you buy this for your girlfriend 113 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,012 because you're breaking up with her? 114 00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:46,346 No. 115 00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:48,248 Why would you think that? 116 00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:49,349 Because you always give jewelry to girls 117 00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:51,184 you're getting ready to dump. 118 00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:53,120 Very observant. 119 00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,756 You watch, you learn. 120 00:05:55,823 --> 00:05:58,659 Well, this isn't "breakup" jewelry. 121 00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:01,662 This is "I like you, stick around" jewelry. 122 00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:03,363 What's the difference? 123 00:06:03,431 --> 00:06:05,499 About 1,500 bucks. 124 00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:09,703 But let's back up a step. 125 00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:12,540 A gentleman never "dumps" a lady. 126 00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:13,941 He merely acknowledges the fact 127 00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:15,876 that a relationship has run its course 128 00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:19,012 by presenting her with a memento, 129 00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:22,082 a keepsake, if you will, of their time together. 130 00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:25,185 Remember that big blonde who threw the toaster oven at you? 131 00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:28,088 Yeah, I remember. 132 00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,957 Or when that yoga teacher who chucked 133 00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:32,125 the fire extinguisher through your windshield? 134 00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:33,961 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 135 00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:35,529 And there was that actress who set fire... 136 00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:38,599 It's not a perfect system, Jake. 137 00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,670 * Men. 138 00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:47,074 Oh, Charlie... they're beautiful. 139 00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:48,509 You do realize 140 00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:51,144 I was going to sleep with you tonight anyway. 141 00:06:51,211 --> 00:06:53,781 This is just a little bonus. 142 00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:55,315 Like when you get to a baseball game 143 00:06:55,382 --> 00:06:57,217 and find out it's helmet night. 144 00:06:57,284 --> 00:06:59,920 You silver-tongued devil. 145 00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:04,458 Well, I don't know about silver, but you'll find I am tongued. 146 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,161 (doorbell rings) 147 00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:09,563 If you ignore that, 148 00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:11,465 there's a matching necklace in it for you. 149 00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:15,168 Why don't you open the wine? 150 00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:20,040 LINDA: Gary, what are you doing here? 151 00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:22,476 GARY: I'm sorry, I tried to call, but your line's been busy. 152 00:07:22,543 --> 00:07:23,811 LINDA: What do you mean my line's been busy? 153 00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:25,112 I haven't been on the phone. 154 00:07:25,178 --> 00:07:26,847 GARY: Well, I must've called 20 times. 155 00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:29,049 LINDA: Fine. What do you want? 156 00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:32,820 GARY: I have to go to New York tonight and I can't take Brandon. 157 00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:35,122 But I have company. And I have an emergency board... 158 00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:36,356 Who are you? 159 00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:37,858 I'm Charlie. 160 00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:39,326 I'm Brandon. 161 00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:40,594 Nice to meet you, Brandon. 162 00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:42,229 You know... 163 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,632 I have a nephew about your age. 164 00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:46,834 (Linda and Gary continue arguing) 165 00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:48,168 Hey, Dad, did you give Mom a present 166 00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:51,605 when you got divorced? (doorbell rings) 167 00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:52,906 A present? 168 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:55,776 Yeah, a memento of your time together. 169 00:07:57,277 --> 00:08:01,582 Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together. 170 00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:05,819 So you were too cheap to get her earrings. 171 00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:09,322 She did better than earrings. 172 00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:12,325 She got my family jewels. 173 00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:13,126 Hi, honey. 174 00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:14,494 Hi, Mom. 175 00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:17,030 When you die, do I get Dad's family jewels? 176 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:18,298 What? 177 00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:20,133 Nothing. Just go inside. 178 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,969 Okay, well, thanks for dropping him off. 179 00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:24,171 Uh, Judith, hang on a second. 180 00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:25,405 What? 181 00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:28,008 Um... how's it going? 182 00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:29,643 Good. 183 00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:31,211 So your, uh, your new marriage going well? 184 00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:32,479 Herb's okay? 185 00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:34,047 What do you want, Alan? 186 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:36,316 Charlie's jingle business is dead, 187 00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:37,484 and I'm going to be homeless. 188 00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:39,052 Well, you can't stay here. 189 00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:40,721 Oh, no, no... 190 00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:42,289 That's not what I was getting at, 191 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:46,226 but it's good to know that door is firmly closed. 192 00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:47,695 Uh, no, what I was hoping 193 00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:51,364 was that we could talk about the child support. 194 00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:53,133 What about my child support? 195 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:56,970 Ah, ah. Well, technically it's Jake's child support, 196 00:08:57,037 --> 00:09:00,340 hence the term "child," um... 197 00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:03,977 But I-I just thought maybe we could make some trims. 198 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,646 Uh, for instance, the karate classes, 199 00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:07,480 the, uh, archery lessons, 200 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,082 the algebra tutor. 201 00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:11,118 I mean, I don't know about you, 202 00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:12,586 but, uh, I've never seen him, you know, 203 00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:15,055 break a board or, uh, string a bow. 204 00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:18,592 And, uh, and the algebra tutor, I mean, who are we kidding? 205 00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:22,830 That's like putting swim fins on a cat. 206 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,865 He needs the tutor; he likes the lessons; 207 00:09:24,932 --> 00:09:26,634 and I'm not going to ask Herb to pay for them. 208 00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,501 That's okay. I'll ask him. Is he home? 209 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,303 Good-bye, Alan. 210 00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:34,374 How about I stay in Jake's tree house?! 211 00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:36,343 He never uses it! 212 00:09:37,845 --> 00:09:39,913 Kid doesn't even like to climb stairs. 213 00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:41,982 * Men. 214 00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:44,451 Come on, sweetheart, just one little bite. 215 00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:45,819 No. 216 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,889 He's not usually this cranky. 217 00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:51,191 Have you tried a little whiskey in his sippy cup? 218 00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:52,793 Charlie. 219 00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:55,362 I'm just saying. It worked on my brother. 220 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,697 You really did that? 221 00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,999 I still do it. 222 00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:01,669 You know what? I'm just going to make him a hot dog. 223 00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:02,936 You want a hot dog? 224 00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:03,704 Sure. 225 00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:05,673 I was talking to my son. 226 00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:07,374 What, you just got the one? 227 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,943 I'll be right back. 228 00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:13,346 Come on, kid, just have a little corn, and then bedtime. 229 00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:15,348 For both of us. 230 00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:16,383 No. 231 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,285 Oh, for the love of God. 232 00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:20,120 I don't come to Gymboree 233 00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:22,756 and knock the blocks out of your hand. 234 00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:25,358 Come on. 235 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:29,529 It's corn-tastic. 236 00:10:29,596 --> 00:10:32,332 Mmm. 237 00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:35,535 * I like corn, it tastes real sweet * 238 00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:37,805 * I don't like peas 239 00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:39,740 * They taste like feet 240 00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:44,778 * Corn's the king of the veggie food group * 241 00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:48,048 * And it looks the same when it's in your poop. * 242 00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:52,786 (laughing): Son of a bitch. 243 00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:55,723 I mean, "Golly!" 244 00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:58,926 * Men... 245 00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:03,430 (rings doorbell) 246 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,571 Hi, Mom. 247 00:11:11,638 --> 00:11:13,473 (over intercom): Hello, Alan. 248 00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:15,776 Uh... got a minute? 249 00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:17,945 Mm... sure. 250 00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:26,686 I-I mean, could you come to the door? 251 00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:28,455 Oh. 252 00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:30,490 Uh... no. 253 00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:33,093 Please. Mom, it's important. 254 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,562 I'm... I'm having a real crisis here. 255 00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:38,331 Oh, darling, I'm so sorry. 256 00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:40,400 Well, good luck with that. 257 00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,971 Mom, please. 258 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,472 (sighs) 259 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,374 I'm such a pushover. 260 00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:51,044 (softly): The money isn't just for me. 261 00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:53,380 It's for Charlie and your only grandson. 262 00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:57,117 I'll just be a minute, Teddy! 263 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:04,324 What can I do for you, Alan? 264 00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:09,029 Nothing. Never mind. 265 00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:14,401 What? I'm not entitled to a love life? 266 00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:20,808 I'm ready for my punishment, headmaster. 267 00:12:23,343 --> 00:12:26,880 (mimics roaring) 268 00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:31,684 So... you must be getting tired, huh? 269 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,653 (yawns) 270 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,455 No shame in calling it a night. 271 00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:37,657 I got to go pee-pee. 272 00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:38,959 All right, go ahead. 273 00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:40,828 First pee-pee, then beddy-bye. 274 00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:43,530 Beats the other way around. Trust me. 275 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,398 I got to go pee-pee now. 276 00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:48,068 Linda, he says he's got to go pee-pee! 277 00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:49,436 LINDA: Would you mind taking him? 278 00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:51,038 Me? 279 00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,540 He can't undo his pants, and I'm doing the dishes. 280 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:57,477 Fine. Let's go pee-pee. 281 00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:01,081 Don't feel bad. 282 00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:04,051 I can't always undo my pants, either. 283 00:13:06,319 --> 00:13:07,620 (sighs) 284 00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:08,822 What are you waiting for? 285 00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:11,058 I don't have to anymore. 286 00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,927 Linda, he says he doesn't have to anymore! 287 00:13:13,994 --> 00:13:15,963 LINDA: Trust me: he has to. 288 00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:19,132 You heard the lady. Let 'er rip. 289 00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:21,101 No. 290 00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:22,735 Okay. 291 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,238 Okay, how about this? 292 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:28,441 You're a giant, and there's a... 293 00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:29,843 there's a tiny village 294 00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:31,511 in the toilet bowl that's on fire, 295 00:13:31,578 --> 00:13:36,416 and you have to put it out by whizzing all over it. 296 00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,085 Hey, look! 297 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:40,520 Here comes the giant now! 298 00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:44,524 (in deep voice): * I had a root beer 299 00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:46,059 * I had a Coke 300 00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:47,827 * I need to pee 301 00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:50,397 * Hey, I smell smoke. 302 00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:51,999 (in normal voice): * Giant, giant 303 00:13:52,065 --> 00:13:54,067 * Up in the sky 304 00:13:54,134 --> 00:13:58,071 * Grab your firehose, let it fly! * 305 00:13:58,138 --> 00:13:59,973 (deep voice): * Close your windows 306 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,808 * Lock your doors 307 00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:06,746 * 'Cause when I rain, it really pours. * 308 00:14:06,813 --> 00:14:09,316 (urinating) 309 00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:11,651 There you go. 310 00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:12,986 Hey, hey, hey. 311 00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:15,989 I'm the only one who gets to pee on my feet. 312 00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:23,196 Come on, buddy, right in here. 313 00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:26,699 Hey, Berta, look what I got. 314 00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:28,168 Big deal-- it's a freaking miracle 315 00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:30,337 you don't have ten of 'em. 316 00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:33,773 This is Linda's son, Brandon. 317 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,608 I'm Brandon. 318 00:14:35,675 --> 00:14:37,077 I got ears. 319 00:14:37,144 --> 00:14:39,612 So, what's he doing here? 320 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:40,880 I'm baby-sitting. 321 00:14:40,948 --> 00:14:42,615 You? Why not me? 322 00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:44,584 You're a rum-soaked degenerate. 323 00:14:44,651 --> 00:14:48,188 Yeah, but it turns out, I have child skills. 324 00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:50,323 I already got him to eat his vegetables 325 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,192 and make pee-pee in the toilet. 326 00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:55,362 So, "Do as I say, not as I do," huh? 327 00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:56,829 Ha. Ha. Ha. 328 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,498 Are you gonna help me or what? 329 00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:01,234 Hey, his mom's not throwing me any. 330 00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:05,672 Don't get the wrong idea. 331 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:09,676 Your mom and I are actually in a committed relationship. 332 00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:15,348 So if I sign up for this drug trial... 333 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:20,220 I take these pills not knowing if I'm getting 334 00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:22,689 the actual anxiety medication or a placebo? 335 00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,157 That's correct. 336 00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:26,259 The test group gets the actual medication, 337 00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:29,929 and the control group is being given sugar pills. 338 00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:33,100 So, is there anything I should know about? 339 00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:35,068 Any side effects or anything? 340 00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:38,238 Well, that's one of the purposes of the research, 341 00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:42,109 but in tests of this nature, common side effects include 342 00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:46,313 dry mouth, hair loss, blurred vision, inflamed gums... 343 00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:47,647 Okay. 344 00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:50,350 ...mild nausea, heart palpitations, liver damage... 345 00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:51,084 Wow. 346 00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:54,121 ...boils, shingles, 347 00:15:54,187 --> 00:15:59,326 sudden fainting and temporary darkening of the stool. 348 00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:03,130 Good Lord. 349 00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:05,165 How much do you pay people to do this? 350 00:16:05,232 --> 00:16:06,733 A thousand dollars a week. 351 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,035 I'm in. 352 00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:12,305 * Men... 353 00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:20,347 (piano playing loudly) 354 00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:23,816 Hey, hey, hey, hey. 355 00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:25,985 That's not a toy. 356 00:16:26,053 --> 00:16:27,554 That's how I make my living. 357 00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:30,390 Not so much anymore, but still, be careful. 358 00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:32,059 I want to play. 359 00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:33,260 All right. 360 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:36,763 Play... this one. 361 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:38,465 (plays single key) 362 00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,500 And... this one. 363 00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:42,635 (plays another key) 364 00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:44,171 That's great. 365 00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:46,606 Now it's my turn. 366 00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,375 (plays chord) 367 00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:51,244 This is a little tune I wrote for my nephew 368 00:16:51,311 --> 00:16:54,147 when he was feeling down in the dumps. 369 00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:57,417 * I know that the winter follows the fall * 370 00:16:57,484 --> 00:17:00,453 (playing soft, heartfelt melody) 371 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:04,357 * And in New York, the buildings are tall * 372 00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:10,063 * I hear that in China, they have a great wall * 373 00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:14,701 * I know these things and more 374 00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:20,673 * But there's just one answer I'm still looking for... * 375 00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:24,477 (playing faster, more upbeat melody) 376 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,679 * Who cut the cheese? (blows raspberry) 377 00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:28,381 * Who cut the cheese?! 378 00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:31,351 * I ask you please, did you cut the cheese? * 379 00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:33,320 * I'm not averse to learning 380 00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,388 * Tell me why my eyes are burning * 381 00:17:35,455 --> 00:17:37,457 * Who cut the cheese? 382 00:17:37,524 --> 00:17:38,658 Everybody! 383 00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:40,760 * Who cut the cheese? (blows raspberry) 384 00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:42,262 * Who cut the cheese? 385 00:17:42,329 --> 00:17:46,133 * I ask you please, did you cut the cheese? * 386 00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:47,700 * I'm not averse to learning 387 00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:50,002 * Tell me why my eyes are burning * 388 00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:55,108 * Who cut the cheese...? 389 00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:58,445 (blows raspberry) 390 00:18:01,314 --> 00:18:03,383 I can't thank you enough. 391 00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:05,852 No problem. We had fun. 392 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:09,289 Look, um, after I drop him off at his dad's, 393 00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:11,624 why don't I come back and show my appreciation 394 00:18:11,691 --> 00:18:13,160 for those earrings? 395 00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:16,563 Gee, I'd love to, but it's been a long day. 396 00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:18,698 I just want to soak in a hot bath 397 00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,600 and have a little "me" time. 398 00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:22,869 Oh, come on, Charlie. 399 00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,205 Hey, hey, while you were off having fun at work, 400 00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:28,541 I was cooped up all day in this house taking care of your child. 401 00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,777 Okay, sorry. 402 00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:34,614 I'm just saying... I'm not a light switch. 403 00:18:34,681 --> 00:18:37,317 I'll call you later. 404 00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:39,051 No, wait, wait. 405 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:41,621 I made something for Brandon. 406 00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:46,025 I sang some songs for him, and he seemed to like them, 407 00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:47,894 so I burned 'em onto a CD. 408 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:48,895 Oh, how sweet. 409 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,363 Sweet? 410 00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:52,732 Clearly, you're not familiar with my work. 411 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:54,601 Anyway, he seemed to dig it. 412 00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:56,636 Well, thank you. 413 00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,874 Hi... Alan. 414 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,610 Hi. 415 00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:24,331 I don't think I'm in the control group. 416 00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:27,900 * Men... 417 00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:45,252 Are you really sure you should be taking those pills with beer? 418 00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:47,987 What else can happen to me, Charlie? 419 00:19:48,054 --> 00:19:52,459 My hair is coming out. I'm having fainting spells... 420 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:56,296 I can see my heart beating through my shirt 421 00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:58,965 and my poop looks like charcoal briquets. 422 00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:02,302 So stop taking the medication. 423 00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:04,304 It's a thousand dollars a week. We need the money. 424 00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:06,673 Oh, relax. Something'll turn up. 425 00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:08,741 Something's already turned up. 426 00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:12,945 I'm pretty sure I dropped a third testicle. 427 00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:17,016 (phone rings) 428 00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:19,018 Hello? 429 00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:20,753 Hang on. 430 00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:21,954 It's Linda's ex-husband. 431 00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:23,590 He wants to talk to you. 432 00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:24,924 I don't want to talk to him. You talk to him. 433 00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:26,359 I'm not gonna talk to him. 434 00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:28,995 Come on, you've got 30% more balls than I do. 435 00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:37,069 Hello. 436 00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:38,971 Yeah, this is Charlie. 437 00:20:39,038 --> 00:20:40,407 What about Brandon? 438 00:20:41,308 --> 00:20:42,609 Oh, good, good. 439 00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:44,110 I'm-I'm glad he likes the songs. 440 00:20:44,176 --> 00:20:49,181 Yeah, Linda mentioned you were in the music business. 441 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,584 Well, that's flattering, but I already 442 00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:53,853 have a very lucrative career writing jingles. 443 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,323 I don't see myself walking away from that 444 00:20:56,389 --> 00:20:58,891 to record children's songs. 445 00:21:01,027 --> 00:21:03,029 How much? 446 00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,464 I'm in. 447 00:21:05,532 --> 00:21:08,801 How about that? Something turned up. 448 00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:13,072 Send the papers over. 449 00:21:13,139 --> 00:21:15,642 Great. Great. 450 00:21:16,509 --> 00:21:18,411 No, no, I love kids 451 00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:21,548 and more important, they love me. 452 00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:29,422 No, no, no, no, none of my own.