1 00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:05,005 No, I think your retainer is sexy. 2 00:00:05,073 --> 00:00:06,607 I do. 3 00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:09,009 You just gotta remember to clean it after lunch. 4 00:00:09,077 --> 00:00:12,113 Hey, Jake, how about you and me going out...? 5 00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:13,847 Okay, now I have a question for you. 6 00:00:13,914 --> 00:00:16,284 If I needed a lung, and your dad needed a lung, 7 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,785 who would you give your lung to? 8 00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:21,389 Well, now, see, I wouldn't have to think about it. 9 00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:24,092 Jake, I'm talking to... 10 00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:26,294 Don't give me the hand. 11 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:27,095 Hang on. 12 00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:28,562 I'm talking to a girl. 13 00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:30,198 Sorry. 14 00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:31,765 Oh, no. That was nobody. 15 00:00:32,833 --> 00:00:34,335 That's it. 16 00:00:34,402 --> 00:00:37,138 Time to get a new kid. 17 00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,307 Hey, Alan, you want to catch a movie tonight? 18 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,942 Can't. I am taking a lady friend to the Hollywood Bowl 19 00:00:42,009 --> 00:00:45,579 for a romantic evening under the stars with Michael Bublê 20 00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:48,249 and three runners-up from American Idol. 21 00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:52,153 What's in the bag? A noose? 22 00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:54,322 No. It's a picnic basket. 23 00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:56,190 Fried chicken, bottle of merlot, 24 00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:58,326 and my autograph hound in case I get lucky. 25 00:00:59,527 --> 00:01:01,395 Why don't you take Jake to the movies? 26 00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:04,498 No. I don't like him anymore. 27 00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:07,368 Okay, then why don't you take one of your many... 28 00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:10,204 oh, let's call them "girlfriends." 29 00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:11,839 Yeah, I could, 30 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:13,807 but after the movie, I got to bring 'em back here, 31 00:01:13,874 --> 00:01:15,743 and after I get 'em back here, I got to get 'em upstairs. 32 00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:19,313 Then, after I get 'em upstairs, I got to get 'em to go home. 33 00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:23,517 It just doesn't seem worth the effort anymore. 34 00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,653 You know, it's possible you might enjoy your dates more 35 00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:27,521 if you went out with women who were capable 36 00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:29,056 of using their head for something other 37 00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:32,293 than a place to rest their ankles. 38 00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:38,432 What are you saying? 39 00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:40,434 Too subtle? 40 00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:44,372 I'm saying you might have a better time 41 00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:45,906 if you were seeing someone who had 42 00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:47,241 a fully-formed personality, 43 00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:49,510 or was even remotely age appropriate. 44 00:01:49,577 --> 00:01:51,579 Define "age appropriate." 45 00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:52,813 40. 46 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,582 Are you out of your mind?! 47 00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:56,350 Come on, Charlie. 48 00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:58,085 The woman I'm seeing now is 39, 49 00:01:58,152 --> 00:01:59,287 and we have a wonderful time together, 50 00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:00,488 because we have so much in common. 51 00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:02,690 We can talk, we can share, we can laugh. 52 00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:08,128 Talking, sharing and laughing is fine, but what about her ears? 53 00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:09,963 What about 'em? 54 00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:12,166 Ears never stop growing, Alan. 55 00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:15,969 And I like a nice, taut lobe. 56 00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:18,372 This conversation is over. 57 00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:20,274 I will see you later. 58 00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:22,676 Why do you think old ladies wear big earrings? 59 00:02:23,544 --> 00:02:25,379 To make their ears look smaller! 60 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:29,717 Like I'm the only one who's noticed. 61 00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,586 (glass dinging on TV) 62 00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:35,189 MAN (on TV): I'd like to make a toast to my wife. 63 00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:38,826 Darling, you've given me the happiest 20 years of my life. 64 00:02:38,892 --> 00:02:42,496 Why? Was she in a coma? 65 00:02:42,563 --> 00:02:44,164 I can't imagine living without you. 66 00:02:44,232 --> 00:02:45,699 You complete me. 67 00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:50,204 I bet she's got a set of ears on her. 68 00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:52,740 Oh, yeah. 69 00:02:52,806 --> 00:02:56,210 You could swat flies with those things. 70 00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:12,025 Whoa. 71 00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:14,228 Hey, pal. 72 00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:16,029 It's just you and me tonight, huh? 73 00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:17,765 (squawks) 74 00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:20,100 Yeah, I know how you feel. 75 00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:21,935 There's a lot of fish in the sea, 76 00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:24,738 but after you catch 'em and eat 'em, then what? 77 00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:27,007 (squawks) 78 00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:28,842 Damn straight. 79 00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:31,144 It's not worth the hassle. 80 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,614 Oh, my mistake. 81 00:03:33,681 --> 00:03:35,716 Didn't know you had a date. 82 00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:38,919 Hey, if you two don't have any other plans, 83 00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,988 why don't you fly over to the Hollywood Bowl 84 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,857 and take a crap on my brother? 85 00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:46,827 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 86 00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:49,663 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Oh. 87 00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:54,302 What was your dream? 88 00:03:54,368 --> 00:03:57,037 We were on a train in a tunnel? 89 00:03:57,104 --> 00:03:59,573 Sounds kind of boring. 90 00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:02,743 It means what?! 91 00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:05,012 Oh, hey. 92 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,714 You're up early. 93 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:08,982 No way. 94 00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:10,684 I am not just getting home. 95 00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,920 I couldn't sleep, so I went for a walk. 96 00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,955 Dad, a little privacy, please? 97 00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:16,624 Okay. 98 00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,225 I just didn't want you to get the wrong idea. 99 00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:20,461 I'm confused. 100 00:04:20,528 --> 00:04:23,731 If I'm in the train, how can I be the train? 101 00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:31,071 At least he's not the tunnel. 102 00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:33,707 Morning. 103 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,075 Hey. 104 00:04:35,142 --> 00:04:38,245 I'm just getting in. 105 00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:40,814 Yeah. I can see that. 106 00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:43,584 Didn't get much sleep last night. 107 00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:44,985 Uh-huh. 108 00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:47,888 And yet I feel totally rested. 109 00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:49,623 Good for you. 110 00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:54,995 I mean, rested but... spent. 111 00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:56,364 Gotcha. 112 00:04:56,430 --> 00:05:01,034 Well, not so much spent as happily depleted. 113 00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:04,905 Joyously bereft of... I get it! 114 00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:06,106 You got laid. 115 00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:08,342 And.... 116 00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:12,480 Michael Bublê's autograph. 117 00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:17,651 Congratulations. 118 00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:21,355 So... how was your evening? 119 00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:27,995 (mimics gunshot) 120 00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:34,768 Oh! You know, I talked to Donna about you. 121 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,003 Donna? 122 00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:37,371 The woman I was with last night. 123 00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:39,907 Oh, yeah. You talk, you share, you laugh. 124 00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:41,609 Kiss my ass. 125 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:45,546 Anyway, it turns out she has a friend who's newly single, 126 00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:46,947 and I suggested... 127 00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:49,383 A blind date? Forget it. 128 00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:52,185 Charlie Harper does not go on blind dates. 129 00:05:52,252 --> 00:05:53,186 He doesn't? 130 00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:54,855 No, he doesn't. 131 00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:56,089 Huh. 132 00:05:58,125 --> 00:06:00,428 Can't we ask him? 133 00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:02,430 Don't bother. 134 00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:04,064 I know what he'll say. 135 00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:08,001 Okay, but does he have to say it in the third person? 136 00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:10,871 Look, I don't need anybody to get me dates. 137 00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:11,939 I can get my own dates. 138 00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:13,607 Yes, but you were complaining that the women 139 00:06:13,674 --> 00:06:15,543 you go out with don't fulfill you. 140 00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:18,779 Donna's friend is beautiful, she's accomplished, she's smart. 141 00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:20,147 How old is she? 142 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,882 I think around 40. 143 00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:23,283 Hello. 144 00:06:23,350 --> 00:06:25,385 Flippity-flappity-flappity! 145 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,256 Still with the ears. 146 00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:31,625 It's not just ears. 147 00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:33,961 Women that age have a lot of baggage. 148 00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:36,964 Right. And you've just got a carry-on. 149 00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:43,236 Think about this. 150 00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:44,805 What if I meet this woman? 151 00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:47,307 I like her, she likes me, we get married and settle down? 152 00:06:47,374 --> 00:06:48,241 Mm-hmm. 153 00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:49,643 We're both 40 now. 154 00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:52,045 In 20 years, I'm gonna be 60. 155 00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:54,181 And do you know how old she's gonna be? 156 00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:57,384 60? 157 00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:59,487 I rest my case. 158 00:07:02,155 --> 00:07:04,424 * Men... 159 00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,194 That was nice, huh? 160 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,662 I guess. 161 00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:13,166 My ear's still a little soggy. 162 00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:15,002 It's okay. 163 00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:16,870 So, "Deedee." 164 00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:19,339 Is that short for anything? 165 00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:21,108 Like what? 166 00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:22,409 I don't know. 167 00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:25,412 Dee... dum diddy dum diddy doo? 168 00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:27,347 No. It's just a nickname. 169 00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:30,183 Oh. Well, what's your real name? 170 00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:32,319 Sissy. 171 00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:34,655 Sissy, huh? 172 00:07:34,722 --> 00:07:37,024 I guess that means you throw a ball like a girl. 173 00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:39,226 I am a girl. 174 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:42,896 Right. 175 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,999 Is Charlie short for anything? 176 00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:47,334 Charles. 177 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:51,038 Oh. That's not really shorter, is it? 178 00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:55,676 Excuse me. 179 00:07:55,743 --> 00:07:58,245 Why? 180 00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,748 Did you fart? 181 00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,054 No. You hang up first. 182 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,589 Okay, on three. 183 00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:11,424 One, two, three. 184 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,426 You didn't hang up, did you? 185 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,563 Me neither. 186 00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:21,935 Okay, set it up. 187 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,271 What? 188 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,574 The blind date with the old chick. I'm in. 189 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,245 What? 190 00:08:33,981 --> 00:08:35,448 * Men... 191 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,618 Alan, let's go! 192 00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:39,887 Relax. We've got plenty of time. 193 00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,589 I just don't want to be late. 194 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:43,691 I can't believe it. 195 00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:44,792 You're nervous about a date. 196 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,594 Of course I'm nervous. 197 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:48,261 What am I going to talk to her about? 198 00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:51,899 I haven't gone out with a 40-year-old woman since high school. 199 00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:57,004 Well, Charlie, that's the great thing 200 00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:58,438 about seeing someone your own age. 201 00:08:58,505 --> 00:09:00,040 There's always something to talk about, 202 00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:02,643 because what you've been through, she's been through. 203 00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:06,446 Oh, I hardly think so. 204 00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:07,848 All right. Point taken. 205 00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:09,382 But she's a fascinating woman. 206 00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:10,651 She's a municipal court judge. 207 00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:11,952 She teaches law at UCLA. 208 00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:14,554 Aw, man, you didn't tell me that! 209 00:09:14,622 --> 00:09:15,555 Does that make a difference? 210 00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:16,523 It makes a big difference. 211 00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:17,958 The smarter the girl, 212 00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:20,894 the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass. 213 00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:28,602 You know, I'm already regretting this. 214 00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:29,603 And for good reason. 215 00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:30,871 Let's just call it off. 216 00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:32,439 No, no, no. It's too late for that. 217 00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:35,809 Just relax and... I don't know... be yourself. 218 00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:38,979 And, by "yourself," I mean someone else entirely. 219 00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:40,480 Anything else? 220 00:09:40,547 --> 00:09:43,651 Well, as long we've opened this particular can of worms, 221 00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:45,853 you might want to rethink the bowling shirt. 222 00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:48,922 Why? 223 00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:52,025 Well, as I said, she's a judge and a law professor, 224 00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:55,328 and let's let's be honest, you don't bowl. 225 00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:57,865 All right. I'll go change. 226 00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:00,133 And, Charlie? Yeah? 227 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,268 While you're at it, 228 00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,103 why don't we go for the big boy pants? 229 00:10:05,673 --> 00:10:08,041 Fine. 230 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:11,178 * Men... 231 00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:12,746 Oh. There they are. 232 00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:14,114 Hang on, hang on, hang on. 233 00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:15,716 Which one's mine? 234 00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:18,085 ALAN: The... the one on the right. 235 00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:19,987 Wow! She's 40? 236 00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:22,990 She has the ears of a 20-year-old. 237 00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:27,895 Come on. 238 00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,798 You think she had 'em done? 239 00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:32,666 Sorry we're late. 240 00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,367 Charlie couldn't decide what to wear. 241 00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:36,704 Oh. I think he looks very nice. 242 00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,538 Thank you. Charlie, this is Donna. 243 00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:40,340 Hi. How are you? Hi. 244 00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:41,742 And this is my friend, Linda. 245 00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:42,876 Nice to meet you. 246 00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:44,011 Nice to meet you, too. 247 00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:45,212 I've heard a lot about you. 248 00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:47,147 And I've heard a lot about you, too. 249 00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:50,517 And I gotta say, I am pleasantly surprised. 250 00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:53,120 Really? How so? 251 00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:57,524 Well, Alan tells me you're a judge and a professor. 252 00:10:57,590 --> 00:11:02,696 And, quite frankly, I wasn't expecting someone so, uh... 253 00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:04,832 So... what, Charlie? 254 00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:07,868 Uh... yummy. 255 00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:10,203 Hm? 256 00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:17,177 (quietly): That was wrong, wasn't it? 257 00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,448 Yes, that was wrong. 258 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,884 What I... what I meant was, 259 00:11:23,951 --> 00:11:26,086 I was expecting you to be... 260 00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:27,654 more, you know, 261 00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:29,156 dry. 262 00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:30,958 But you're not. 263 00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,927 You're actually kind of... moist. 264 00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:40,267 (sighing): Oh, good Lord. 265 00:11:41,735 --> 00:11:43,670 You know what? You know what? 266 00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:45,839 I-I think I'd like to start over. 267 00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:47,507 Hi. I'm Charlie. 268 00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:49,076 (chuckles) Linda. 269 00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:50,410 Hi, Linda. 270 00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:53,781 I got to tell you, I have never met a judge before. 271 00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:55,482 You know, voluntarily. 272 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,450 (laughing) 273 00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:05,125 Better? 274 00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:08,428 Anything's better than "moist." 275 00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:11,464 * Men... 276 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,736 Oh, well, we met in the church choir, 277 00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:19,372 then we found out our kids were in the same preschool. 278 00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:21,809 Next thing you know, we're on the carnival committee together, 279 00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:23,710 doing the bake sale... Oh, which reminds me, 280 00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:26,346 I'm supposed to be snack mom next Tuesday-- can you switch with me? 281 00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:29,049 Oh, yeah, no problem. Oh, thanks. 282 00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:35,789 I got nothing. 283 00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:40,127 Hey, hey, why don't we order some drinks? 284 00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:42,295 Just iced tea for me. Oh, me, too. 285 00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:43,730 Uh, Charlie, you want iced tea? 286 00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,933 Why on earth would I want iced tea? 287 00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:50,737 Because you don't drink alcohol during the daytime. 288 00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:52,873 Oh, right. 289 00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,641 Of course not. 290 00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:56,476 Iced tea, rocks, water back. 291 00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,147 Uh, excuse me, miss? Yes, can I help... 292 00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:01,314 Charlie? 293 00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:05,185 Oh, hey, hi. 294 00:13:05,252 --> 00:13:06,854 How come you never called me? 295 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:08,889 Well, uh... 296 00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:10,357 (nervous chuckling) 297 00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:13,560 Funny story. 298 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:14,794 Long story. 299 00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:15,963 Tell you later. 300 00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:17,797 Can we get four iced teas, please? 301 00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:20,000 I'll be right back. 302 00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:27,074 (chuckles) Old friend? 303 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:31,211 Yeah, you know, church choir, bake sale. 304 00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:36,249 You may not want to drink the iced tea. 305 00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:43,156 You know, Alan, I got to hand it to you-- 306 00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:44,858 Linda is really something. 307 00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:46,693 Yeah, yeah, she's terrific. 308 00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:48,128 But let me ask you something. 309 00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:49,562 Sure. 310 00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:54,267 What in God's name possessed you to talk about pornography? 311 00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:57,370 Hey, she started it. 312 00:13:57,437 --> 00:13:58,771 She wasn't talking about pornography. 313 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,240 She was talking about constitutional law 314 00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:01,909 and the preservation of the First Amendment. 315 00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:05,345 Which includes pornography. 316 00:14:05,412 --> 00:14:08,815 Yes, it does, but it does not include your favorite actresses, 317 00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:12,719 top ten DVD's or your beefs about the bonus features. 318 00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:15,855 I just pointed out that the bloopers, though funny, 319 00:14:15,923 --> 00:14:18,058 are really more of a turnoff. 320 00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:20,793 ("Fur Elise" ringtone playing) 321 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:21,962 Hello? 322 00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:23,263 Yeah, yeah, hi, Donna. 323 00:14:23,330 --> 00:14:24,998 Um, Charlie and I were just talking 324 00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:27,134 about what a nice time we had. 325 00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:30,170 Okay, I'm sorry. 326 00:14:31,004 --> 00:14:32,973 We... I'm sorry. 327 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,808 (quietly): Ask her if Linda likes me. 328 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:36,843 H-Hang on. 329 00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:37,945 You're kidding, right? 330 00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:40,080 Come on, chicks talk to each other. 331 00:14:40,147 --> 00:14:43,616 Uh, Donna, would you please tell my brother 332 00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,618 what you just told me. Here. 333 00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:49,456 Hey, Donna. Talk to me. 334 00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:51,925 Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 335 00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:53,260 I see. 336 00:14:53,326 --> 00:14:56,596 Okay, well, thanks for the heads-up. 337 00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:58,966 Linda didn't like me. 338 00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:01,134 Go figure. 339 00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:05,973 I told her not to drink the iced tea. 340 00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:08,942 * Men... 341 00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,810 That's what I heard-- 342 00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:13,246 Danny Sholander likes Jennifer Denapoli. 343 00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:15,348 Hey. 344 00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:20,120 Really? He's gay? 345 00:15:20,187 --> 00:15:22,622 Does he know that? 346 00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:24,924 You got to get me another crack at her. 347 00:15:24,992 --> 00:15:27,094 What? 348 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,429 I need to see her again. See who? 349 00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:31,831 Linda. I-I can't let it end this way. 350 00:15:31,898 --> 00:15:33,133 Let what end? It was a lunch. 351 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,502 No, no, no, no, it was more than a lunch. 352 00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:37,971 It was a test: Is Charlie Harper capable 353 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:39,973 of stepping up to quality women? 354 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,642 Oh, God, we're back to third person. 355 00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,844 Alan, I am tired of having meaningless sex 356 00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:46,413 with hot pinheads. 357 00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:49,149 What a coincidence-- I'm tired of hearing about it. 358 00:15:49,216 --> 00:15:51,118 Linda's smart, 359 00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:53,020 Linda's sophisticated, Linda's successful. 360 00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:55,088 Linda doesn't like you. 361 00:15:55,155 --> 00:15:56,623 She will-- I can make her. 362 00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:58,125 You just need to tell Donna 363 00:15:58,191 --> 00:16:00,093 to tell Linda to give me another chance. 364 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,995 Fine, I'll pass her a note during study hall. 365 00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:03,630 Hey, hey, hey, 366 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:05,999 don't belittle my feelings. 367 00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:08,701 I'm in a very sensitive place, and I will kick your ass. 368 00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:12,372 Oh, come on, Charlie, so you struck out with a woman. 369 00:16:12,439 --> 00:16:13,706 It happens. 370 00:16:13,773 --> 00:16:16,176 Believe me... it happens. 371 00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:18,011 And when it does, the best thing to do 372 00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:20,447 is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off 373 00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:24,351 and curse God for making you the way you are. 374 00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:26,219 All right, forget it; I don't need you. 375 00:16:26,286 --> 00:16:28,655 I'll call her myself. 376 00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:37,130 Sorry about the "curse God" stuff. 377 00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:41,268 But we both know I'm not your best work. 378 00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,504 * Men... 379 00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:48,241 Yeah, hi. Can I speak to Judge Linda Harris, please? 380 00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:50,710 Charlie Harper. 381 00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:53,246 Yes, again. 382 00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:56,216 All right, fine, put me through to voice mail. 383 00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:58,785 Banging a judge won't get you out of jury duty-- 384 00:16:58,851 --> 00:16:59,919 believe me, I've tried. 385 00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:02,489 Shh, shh, quiet. 386 00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,725 Yeah, hi, Linda. It's Charlie again. 387 00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:09,296 (chuckles) I just want you to know that this will be my last message. 388 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:12,432 I figure three's a charm, four is a restraining order. 389 00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:13,966 (chuckles) 390 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,169 Look who I'm tellin'. 391 00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:18,971 Anyway, I know we didn't get off on the right foot, 392 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,741 but that's just because I'm not used to spending time 393 00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:24,010 with such a remarkable and accomplished woman. 394 00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:25,445 Keep shoveling. 395 00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:30,350 And it's true, 396 00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:33,220 I've lived a certain kind of life up until now. 397 00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:35,622 I'm not saying that I'm proud of it, 398 00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:37,590 but I'm not ashamed of it, either. 399 00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:40,059 Why else would you have videotaped most of it? 400 00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:45,265 I'm begging you. 401 00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,735 So, if you want to call me back, 402 00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,237 call me back. 403 00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:53,240 If not, well, have a nice life. 404 00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:58,077 But it'd be a nicer life if you called me. 405 00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:00,347 Well... 406 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:03,316 I never thought I'd see Charlie Harper on his knees. 407 00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:04,751 You know, figuratively. 408 00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:11,758 Can we please talk about me in the first person? 409 00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:14,427 What's this broad got that's so special? 410 00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:15,495 A brain. 411 00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:18,298 What are you gonna do with a brain? 412 00:18:18,365 --> 00:18:21,434 It doesn't matter; she'll never call me. 413 00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,203 Oh, don't talk like that. 414 00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:24,937 Just because she's smart and successful 415 00:18:25,004 --> 00:18:28,241 doesn't mean she's not damaged enough to go out with you. 416 00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:32,779 Thanks, Berta, that means a lot. 417 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,815 (phone rings) 418 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,422 Hello? 419 00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:45,625 Nah, Jake's not here-- try him at his mom's house. 420 00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:49,396 Where are you going? 421 00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:53,766 I don't know, someplace where the bottles are full 422 00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:55,668 and the women are empty. 423 00:18:55,735 --> 00:19:00,273 * And the skies are not cloudy all day. * 424 00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:02,709 * Men... 425 00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:05,445 $50 fine, time served. 426 00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:06,713 Call the next case. 427 00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:08,047 MAN: Case number 428 00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:11,050 1217-07, Charles Harper, 429 00:19:11,117 --> 00:19:12,752 charged with drunk and disorderly, 430 00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,421 resisting arrest. 431 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:15,722 Charlie? 432 00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:20,092 Oh. Hey. 433 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:22,462 Small world, huh? 434 00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:25,498 Approach the bench, please. 435 00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:27,367 (whispering): Excuse me. 436 00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,236 I think this is personal. 437 00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:34,941 Please tell me you did not get yourself arrested 438 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,809 just so you could see me. 439 00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:40,613 Um... 440 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,282 you got me. 441 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:45,952 Charlie, what am I going to do with you? 442 00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,687 Have dinner with me. 443 00:19:47,754 --> 00:19:51,958 Otherwise, we're looking at a crime spree here. 444 00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:55,262 All right, one dinner. 445 00:19:55,328 --> 00:19:56,896 Now, step back. 446 00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:58,331 Yes, ma'am. 447 00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:00,833 How do you plead? 448 00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:02,502 Guilty, Your Honor. 449 00:20:02,569 --> 00:20:04,170 Is this a first offense? Yes, Your Honor. 450 00:20:04,237 --> 00:20:05,638 All right, $500 fine. 451 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,407 $500? Last time.. Last time? 452 00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:09,842 Thank you, Your Honor. 453 00:20:09,909 --> 00:20:12,111 Next case. 454 00:20:12,178 --> 00:20:14,881 MAN: Case number 1217-08, 455 00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:15,948 Heidi Jones, 456 00:20:16,015 --> 00:20:17,317 charged with solicitation. 457 00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:19,352 Hey, Charlie. Shh, shh, shh! 458 00:20:24,190 --> 00:20:26,259 * Men... 459 00:20:29,296 --> 00:20:30,963 Where's your car? 460 00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:32,932 Good question. 461 00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:35,868 Oh... Charlie... Yeah, we just got my uncle 462 00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:36,836 out of jail. 463 00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:38,771 It was cool. I saw a real pimp. 464 00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:41,140 (groans) 465 00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:43,075 I hope you learned a lesson here. 466 00:20:43,142 --> 00:20:44,210 I sure did. 467 00:20:44,277 --> 00:20:45,512 And what was that lesson? 468 00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,447 If a woman won't return your calls, 469 00:20:47,514 --> 00:20:51,083 get drunk, get arrested, then lie through your teeth. 470 00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:52,885 That's it? That's what you learned? 471 00:20:52,952 --> 00:20:56,523 Well, also, if your cell mate wants your bologna sandwich, 472 00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:59,492 just give it to him. 473 00:20:59,559 --> 00:21:02,495 Okay, I'll be your pimp if you'll be my bee-atch. 474 00:21:02,562 --> 00:21:04,230 Jake! That's enough with the phone. 475 00:21:04,297 --> 00:21:06,399 Nobody. What were you saying? 476 00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:09,936 Oh, hey! 477 00:21:10,002 --> 00:21:12,705 I'd have kept the phone and tossed the kid.