1 00:00:03,704 --> 00:00:04,872 Okay, it's your birthday, 2 00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:06,340 and we're going to a ball game 3 00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:07,508 and we've only got three tickets. 4 00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:08,309 Cool. 5 00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:09,210 It's not his birthday. 6 00:00:09,277 --> 00:00:10,778 What else you get me? 7 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,380 It's not your birthday. Charlie, what's going on? 8 00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:13,814 I've got a very delicate situation here, 9 00:00:13,881 --> 00:00:16,150 and I need to appear as if I have plans today. 10 00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:18,119 Does your delicate situation have a name? 11 00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:20,121 I'm sure she does. Just follow my lead. 12 00:00:20,921 --> 00:00:21,822 Dodgers or Angels? 13 00:00:21,889 --> 00:00:22,990 Let's say Dodgers. 14 00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:25,025 See, the kid knows how to do this. 15 00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:26,960 I'll get my mitt. 16 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,929 Oh, boy, ball game. 17 00:00:28,996 --> 00:00:30,831 Now that's commitment. 18 00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:33,934 That's not commitment, that's lead paint in the nursery. 19 00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:36,770 WOMAN: Hey, Steve, you down there? 20 00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:38,005 Oh, yeah, 21 00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:39,440 and my name's Steve. 22 00:00:39,507 --> 00:00:40,708 Coming. 23 00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:42,443 Charlie, Charlie, I am not going to lie 24 00:00:42,510 --> 00:00:44,778 to some poor woman just so you can dump her. 25 00:00:44,845 --> 00:00:46,647 I am not "dumping" her. 26 00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:48,616 We've just... grown apart. 27 00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:51,485 Since you picked her up at a bar last night? 28 00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:53,087 People change. 29 00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:54,988 (knock at door) 30 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,357 EVELYN: Hello? 31 00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:57,658 Oh, God. 32 00:00:57,725 --> 00:01:00,027 In here, Mom. 33 00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:03,063 So what are my boys up to today? 34 00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:09,603 We're going to a Dodger game and we've only got three tickets. 35 00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:12,773 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 36 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:15,743 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 37 00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:18,379 So... 38 00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:20,448 you're on your way to a ball game. 39 00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:23,083 Yep. It's a little treat for Jake's birthday. 40 00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:24,752 That was months ago. 41 00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:29,357 We were waiting for bobble head day. 42 00:01:30,658 --> 00:01:34,728 It's good for Jake to see other bobble heads. 43 00:01:36,063 --> 00:01:37,498 Hey, Dad, I just checked online. 44 00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:39,567 Dodgers are in San Francisco today. 45 00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:45,406 Yes, well... we'd better get going, then. 46 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:49,743 It's quite a drive. 47 00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:53,281 Must you continue with this pathetic little charade? 48 00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:56,450 At this point, we're kind of committed. 49 00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:58,852 All right, all right, we're not going to a ball game. 50 00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:00,120 We're not? 51 00:02:00,188 --> 00:02:02,089 Man, this is the worst birthday ever. 52 00:02:02,156 --> 00:02:04,292 Why do you have to lie to me? 53 00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:07,127 We don't have to. It's a choice we make. 54 00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:10,198 Well, you both might find this all amusing, 55 00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:13,701 but I do have feelings and I can be hurt. 56 00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:15,403 Sorry, Mom. 57 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,338 It's just crushing to know 58 00:02:17,405 --> 00:02:19,473 that my own sons think so little of me. 59 00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:22,476 Really? After all this time? 60 00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:23,244 Charlie. 61 00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:24,745 We're both sorry. 62 00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:26,647 Is there anything we can do to make it up to you? 63 00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:28,549 Well, as a matter of fact, there is. 64 00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:30,618 You just walked right into that. 65 00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:33,754 Teddy is out of town and I need an escort 66 00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:35,656 for the Civic Light Opera benefit this evening. 67 00:02:35,723 --> 00:02:38,559 Why don't you try one of those escort services? 68 00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:41,329 Charlie, if I were going to pay $200 an hour for a man, 69 00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:43,231 I would not be taking him to the opera. 70 00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:45,165 That's fair. 71 00:02:45,233 --> 00:02:47,167 Well, I'd love to help you out, Mom, 72 00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:48,502 but I have a date tonight. 73 00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,538 Oh. 74 00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:54,074 So now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium. 75 00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:57,545 No. No, I really have a date. 76 00:02:57,611 --> 00:03:00,914 And the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients. 77 00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:02,683 Charlie, what about you? 78 00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:05,986 I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman. 79 00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:09,189 Do you have plans this evening? 80 00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:11,191 Oh, I... well... 81 00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:14,061 WOMAN: Hey, Steve. In here. 82 00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:16,063 As a matter of fact, I do have plans. 83 00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:18,999 I have a very special lady friend over for the weekend. 84 00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:21,168 And here she is now. 85 00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:23,504 Hey, baby. Hi. 86 00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:25,939 Excuse me. 87 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,209 (retching) 88 00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:32,480 Isn't she something? 89 00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:35,115 (retching) 90 00:03:35,182 --> 00:03:39,387 Okay, but get a town car, 'cause I ain't going sober. 91 00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:48,128 Your town car's here. 92 00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:49,697 Terrific. 93 00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:50,931 Come on. 94 00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:53,867 Now I have been to a lot of these things with Mom, 95 00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:56,036 and I know you think it's going to be bad, 96 00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:58,939 but believe me, it's going to be worse than you can even imagine. 97 00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:01,742 You're really enjoying this, aren't you? 98 00:04:01,809 --> 00:04:04,011 You just love seeing me unhappy. 99 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:07,348 Well... yeah. 100 00:04:07,415 --> 00:04:08,949 I mean, did you feel sorry for me 101 00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:11,084 when I had to wear that cowboy outfit 102 00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:12,219 to her celebrity AIDS hoedown? 103 00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:13,954 That was different. 104 00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:15,989 How? It was you. 105 00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:19,192 Yeah, well, now it's you. 106 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,862 Yippee-ky-yay, mother-accompanier. 107 00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:29,002 Want a few tips? 108 00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:30,438 Like what? 109 00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:31,805 Well, let's see, 110 00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,774 Mom likes to starve herself for a few days 111 00:04:33,841 --> 00:04:36,176 before these events so she can fit into her gown. 112 00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:40,147 That means she'll be knocking back vodka gimlets on a completely empty stomach. 113 00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:41,982 Aw, geez. 114 00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:43,751 She can be a cranky drunk. 115 00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:44,918 Cranky? 116 00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:49,022 I got bitch-slapped with my own ten-gallon hat. 117 00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:52,793 So what's the tip? Don't wear a ten-gallon hat? 118 00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:56,163 All you have to do is bring along a little baggie of crackers. 119 00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:58,031 You know, saltines, goldfish, 120 00:04:58,098 --> 00:05:01,001 anything you can stuff down her throat to soak up the booze. 121 00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:03,270 How about a throw pillow? 122 00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:07,240 Oh, and whatever you do, don't let her take off her shoes. 123 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,709 Why not? 124 00:05:08,776 --> 00:05:10,944 Well, A) you'll be carrying them all night, 125 00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:13,747 and B) you'll wind up giving her a foot massage in the lobby, 126 00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,816 and that's not something anybody wants to see. 127 00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:17,217 Oh, God. 128 00:05:17,284 --> 00:05:20,854 Not to mention the fact that it puts you on bunion patrol. 129 00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:25,158 Anyway, have fun. 130 00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:27,595 I'm off to pick up a beautiful, 131 00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:30,498 smart, funny, sexually available woman 132 00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:32,900 who, best of all, is not my mother. 133 00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:36,437 Give it time. You'll get her there. 134 00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:40,474 In consideration of the evening you have ahead of you, 135 00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:42,910 I'm gonna let you have that one. 136 00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:50,884 Yeah, these are the good times. 137 00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:57,558 Another gimlet please. 138 00:05:57,625 --> 00:06:01,061 You sure you don't want a Wheat Thin? 139 00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:02,930 Mmm, wheaty. 140 00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:06,133 No. I need the liquor to dull the pain. 141 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,635 My shoes are killing me. 142 00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,403 Yeah, but they look wonderful on your feet, 143 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:10,638 right where they are now. 144 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,173 Oh, look who's over there. 145 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:14,608 Who? 146 00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:17,611 One of the most powerful union leaders in Hollywood. 147 00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:18,812 What about him? 148 00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:23,350 Really? The mob? 149 00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:28,221 Yeah, they say he killed a writer once just to make a point. 150 00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:29,923 What was the point? 151 00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:32,560 "I can kill a writer." 152 00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:36,897 And the silver-haired man he's talking to? Yeah? 153 00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:41,068 That is the king of vaginal rejuvenation surgery, 154 00:06:41,134 --> 00:06:46,106 but interestingly, he's never used one himself, rejuvenated or otherwise. 155 00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:50,644 Wouldn't that make him the queen of vaginal surgery? 156 00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:52,880 Good for you, Charlie. 157 00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:56,216 I wish I'd thought of that, and from now on I did. 158 00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:57,951 It's yours. 159 00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:00,353 So, what other dirt you got? 160 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:04,324 Oh, darling, you know I don't like to speak ill of anyone. 161 00:07:04,391 --> 00:07:06,794 (both laughing) 162 00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:08,261 All right. 163 00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:11,331 Bankrupt, embezzler, tushie tuck, 164 00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:13,033 bigamist, pill freak 165 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,602 and that one over there 166 00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:18,305 underwent surgery to have a cell phone removed from his lower intestine. 167 00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:19,473 Ouch. 168 00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:21,074 How in the world did it get there? 169 00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:24,044 One can speculate, but I have it on good authority 170 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,846 that it was set to vibrate. 171 00:07:27,915 --> 00:07:29,550 How do you know all these things? 172 00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:30,884 Oh, Charlie, 173 00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,621 it's my business to know these things. 174 00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:39,226 High end real estate is all about gathering information and forging relationships. 175 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,529 Hello, Beatrice darling. 176 00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:43,163 Lovely to see you. 177 00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:45,298 You two-dollar whore. 178 00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:50,170 You know, Mom, it's great to watch you doing autopsies when I'm not the cadaver. 179 00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:52,940 Half the fun is sharing with someone you love. 180 00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:54,842 Oh, you see the statuesque woman over there 181 00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,910 the one with the knockoff Prada handbag? 182 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,312 Don't tell me-- she's not a woman. 183 00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:00,480 Oh, she's a woman. 184 00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:02,816 She's an amazing woman. 185 00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:06,119 She built a children's hospital in Guatemala. 186 00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,521 Yeah, and...? 187 00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:09,757 Once they're healthy enough to walk, 188 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,892 she flies them to Los Angeles 189 00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:14,327 and leases them out to celebrities as household slaves. 190 00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:15,929 Hello, dear. 191 00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:19,132 I'm trying to sell her home. 192 00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:23,871 It's hard to put a good spin on "media room slash dungeon." 193 00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:32,980 I'm sorry, Alan, I can't do this. 194 00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:33,981 Sure you can. 195 00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:35,082 I mean, you are, 196 00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:36,817 and if you'll allow me to say so, 197 00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:38,619 you're pretty good at it. 198 00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:40,387 It's not you, it's me. 199 00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:41,855 Yeah, right. 200 00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:43,090 What is that supposed to mean? 201 00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:46,827 Sharon, I have been rejected by... 202 00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:49,763 32 different women in my life. 203 00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:52,600 And you know what, it's never been me. 204 00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:55,268 Okay, it's you. Feel better? 205 00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:58,071 Actually no. 206 00:08:58,138 --> 00:08:58,839 You're a very nice guy. 207 00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:00,073 No, that's even worse. 208 00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:02,042 You know what they say about nice guys. 209 00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:03,410 Yes, they finish last. 210 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:05,846 No, the finish in the shower. 211 00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:07,615 What do you want me to say? 212 00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,516 I can't help it if I'm not sexually attracted to you. 213 00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:10,584 Yes, you can. 214 00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:13,053 You just have to make an effort. 215 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,522 You know those jokes you don't get right away? 216 00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:19,392 And then in a day or two you find yourself laughing and laughing? 217 00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:21,829 That's me. 218 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,497 I'm one of those jokes. 219 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,667 You'll sleep with me now, 220 00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:29,069 and you'll be attracted to me later. 221 00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:33,106 Please, Sharon, just, just give me a chance. 222 00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:35,943 Aw, what the hell. 223 00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:40,347 Good to see you, dear. 224 00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,082 You look marvelous. 225 00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:44,317 For a heroin addict. 226 00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:45,886 Let me ask you something. Mm. 227 00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,721 If you don't like any of these people, 228 00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:49,189 why do you come to these things? 229 00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:51,258 Charlie, do you read the paper? 230 00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:52,726 Do you have any idea 231 00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,494 what the Los Angeles real estate market is like now? 232 00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:55,562 Can't say I do. 233 00:09:55,629 --> 00:09:56,697 Hey, how are those feet feeling? 234 00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,131 You want to put your shoes back on? 235 00:09:58,198 --> 00:10:01,101 No one is selling unless they have to. 236 00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:04,004 Which means I have to be out working these rooms every night 237 00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:06,573 to learn who's getting divorced, who's dying, 238 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,810 who can't make bail, who's crappy sitcom got cancelled. 239 00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:12,212 Let's face it, I'm not a young woman anymore. 240 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:15,282 I mean, in the old days I could find out all that stuff 241 00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:16,616 at home on my back. 242 00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:18,986 Evelyn. 243 00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:20,587 Margaret. 244 00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:21,588 Good to see you. 245 00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:22,890 How's married life? 246 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,825 Oh, just one long honeymoon. 247 00:10:24,892 --> 00:10:27,695 That's because she bangs a different groom every night. 248 00:10:29,596 --> 00:10:32,532 Hi, Charlie Harper. 249 00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:34,367 Oh, my God! 250 00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:38,305 That was amazing. 251 00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:40,107 Wasn't that amazing? 252 00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:41,975 I hate myself. 253 00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:43,744 What? 254 00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:45,578 No, no, you were great. 255 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:48,281 You did a crackerjack job. 256 00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:49,482 Why do I do this? 257 00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:53,253 Why do I have this constant need to degrade myself? 258 00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,792 Would it help to cuddle? 259 00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:01,561 Don't touch me. 260 00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:04,231 Okay, no touching. 261 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:08,702 The image of you lying on top of me 262 00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:11,805 will haunt me forever. 263 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,010 Did you want to be on top? 264 00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,347 'Cause if you give me a half an hour 265 00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:22,449 and a glass of juice, we could try that. 266 00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:28,856 Hey, hey, Dr. Phillips, it's me, Sharon. 267 00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:30,891 I did it again! 268 00:11:30,958 --> 00:11:33,426 I don't know why! 269 00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:34,461 I felt sorry for him. 270 00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:39,867 Hey, hey, why don't I whip us up some French toast? 271 00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:43,436 Shut... up. 272 00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:45,638 Okay, I'm just gonna get 273 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:49,009 a nice glass of cran-apple just in case. 274 00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:51,711 How bad was it? How bad was it? 275 00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:53,413 I'm in a fold-out bed! 276 00:11:56,449 --> 00:11:58,018 * Men. 277 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:01,855 'Morning. 278 00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:04,057 (dejectedly): 'Morning. 279 00:12:04,124 --> 00:12:06,426 Hey, Berta, you're a woman. 280 00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:08,728 Where we going with this, zippy? 281 00:12:08,796 --> 00:12:11,064 I was just wondering, what does it mean 282 00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:14,734 when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex? 283 00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:16,236 Well, in my experience, 284 00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:18,772 it usually means the conjugal visit's over. 285 00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,177 Right, thanks. 286 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,646 What happened, did you get yourself a weeper? 287 00:12:26,713 --> 00:12:28,315 Yeah. Yeah, last night. 288 00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:30,517 I've never seen anything like it before. 289 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:31,919 That's hard to believe. 290 00:12:33,153 --> 00:12:34,521 (phone ringing) I got it 291 00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,090 Hello. 292 00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:39,059 Oh, hey, Mom, how are you? 293 00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:41,594 Yeah, that was fun last night. 294 00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:45,365 No, I'm not doing anything. Why? 295 00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:47,500 Sure, I'd love to go shopping with you. 296 00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:53,206 Great. I'll see you, then. 297 00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:59,446 What? 298 00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,482 Nothing. Nothing. 299 00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:05,018 Hey, hey, Mom's not that bad. 300 00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:08,421 In fact, she's kind of fun to hang out with. 301 00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:11,591 That has to be the creepiest thing 302 00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,026 I've ever heard. 303 00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:15,262 You know, I said the same thing 304 00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:17,130 to myself just a couple minutes ago. 305 00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:23,203 * Men. 306 00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:25,305 Are you sure you can't stay for dinner? 307 00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:27,807 Oh, I'd love to, sweetie, but Teddy's back in town, 308 00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:30,443 and Mommy plans to get laid tonight. 309 00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:31,811 Good for you. 310 00:13:31,879 --> 00:13:33,146 Please, give him my best. 311 00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:35,883 Only after I give him my best. 312 00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,585 Hello? 313 00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:39,719 Oh, hi, Alan. 314 00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,421 Don't forget your little giftie. 315 00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:43,056 You bought him a giftie? 316 00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:45,558 Just my way of saying thank you for taking me to lunch. 317 00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:46,927 You took her to lunch? 318 00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:49,196 I must have gained five pounds. 319 00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:51,598 Oh, stop! You have a terrific figure. 320 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,366 (girlishly): Thank you. 321 00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:55,969 Are you high? 322 00:13:56,036 --> 00:13:58,205 It never hurts to pay a compliment 323 00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,406 to someone you care about. 324 00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:01,341 Yeah, you should try it once in a while. 325 00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:03,576 It might cut down on that post-coital weeping. 326 00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:06,346 How'd you know about that? 327 00:14:06,413 --> 00:14:09,149 Berta told me, I told Mom. 328 00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:11,518 Your brother and I don't have any secrets. 329 00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:16,123 Maybe I'm high. 330 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:19,159 Okay, well, I must be off. 331 00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:22,862 Places to go, houses to sell, new widows to cold-call. 332 00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:24,364 Oh, oh, that reminds me. 333 00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:26,499 Uh, uh, Charlie, some woman named Margaret called, 334 00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:27,434 looking for you. 335 00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:28,668 Margaret? 336 00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:31,104 Oh, yeah, Honeymoon Margaret from last night. 337 00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:33,806 Charlie, the woman's husband is one 338 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:34,841 of my biggest clients. 339 00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:36,276 Oh, Mom! 340 00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:39,179 Please, I'm not asking as your mother. 341 00:14:39,246 --> 00:14:41,114 I'm asking as your friend. 342 00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:45,385 All right, as a friend, hands off. 343 00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:48,188 Thank you, darling. 344 00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:49,889 I love you. See ya, Alan. 345 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,825 I guess I'll just throw this away. 346 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,594 Da-da-da-da-da-da! 347 00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:57,064 What? You're not gonna call her, are you? 348 00:14:57,130 --> 00:15:00,067 Well, it's a bit of a dilemma. 349 00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:02,035 On the one hand, there's this beautiful available woman... 350 00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:03,470 She's married. 351 00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:05,905 But according to Mom, not a fanatic about it. 352 00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:10,710 So, am I the kind of guy who would go back on his word 353 00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:14,247 to his own mother just for a really hot one-night stand? 354 00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:17,985 Is that a rhetorical question? 355 00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:19,652 Tell you what. 356 00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:22,155 We'll leave it to chance. 357 00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:26,093 If I miss, I'll take the high road. 358 00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:28,195 If it goes in, I'll call Margaret. 359 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,474 I guess it's fate. 360 00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:44,311 * Men. 361 00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:03,296 Are you ready for me? 362 00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:06,699 (English accent): Oh, bravo. 363 00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:14,074 Mm... 364 00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:15,642 Just to be clear, 365 00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:18,145 this is a tit-for-tat kind of deal, right? 366 00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:20,513 Your husband cheated on you, the rotten bastard, 367 00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:22,182 and now you're cheating on him? 368 00:16:22,249 --> 00:16:24,051 No, he never cheated on me. 369 00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:27,154 Oh, so, what, he's mean to you, he's abusive? 370 00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:32,392 No, he's a doll. 371 00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:33,360 Is he gay? 372 00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:35,495 Not at all. 373 00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:38,631 Was he in some sort of bizarre sort of hunting accident? 374 00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:39,899 What? 375 00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:43,103 You know, fell crotch first into an open bear trap? 376 00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:46,806 No, he's all man. 377 00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:49,576 So then why are you doing this? 378 00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:51,978 Well, it's very simple. 379 00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:54,647 I like having sex with strangers. 380 00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:57,417 Oh. Well, good for you. 381 00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,422 Is your husband hiding somewhere watching us? 382 00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:04,857 No, he's in Dallas on business. 383 00:17:04,924 --> 00:17:06,426 Charlie, are we gonna do this or what? 384 00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:10,497 Actually, I... I don't think I can. 385 00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:11,731 Why not? 386 00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:16,103 Well, I kind of promised my mother I wouldn't. 387 00:17:16,169 --> 00:17:17,737 Your mother? 388 00:17:17,804 --> 00:17:19,038 Who's also my friend. 389 00:17:19,106 --> 00:17:20,707 So what do you want to do? 390 00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:25,011 I tell you what. 391 00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:27,947 We'll leave it to chance. 392 00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:32,952 If I nail this, then, you know, ditto. 393 00:17:33,019 --> 00:17:34,754 (door slams) 394 00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:35,888 MAN: Margaret! 395 00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:36,923 Oh, God! 396 00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:37,890 Who's that? 397 00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:38,725 Who do you think? 398 00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:40,727 Another stranger? 399 00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:41,961 It's my husband. Get out! 400 00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:44,831 Right. 401 00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:45,598 Where the hell should I go? 402 00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:46,866 Out the window. 403 00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:49,102 Are you crazy? I'm not going out the window. 404 00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:50,170 He's an ex-Marine. 405 00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:51,438 I'm going out the window. 406 00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,112 Oh, damn! 407 00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:02,682 (doorbell rings) 408 00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:05,785 Hi. 409 00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:08,855 Sharon, um, what's up? 410 00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,790 I was hoping we could talk. 411 00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:13,092 Oh... sure. 412 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,127 May I come in? 413 00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:16,429 Okay. 414 00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:17,997 Thanks. 415 00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:19,432 I'm kind of surprised to see you. 416 00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:20,467 I know. 417 00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,135 I behaved really badly the other night. 418 00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:24,471 You were a little emotional. 419 00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:26,005 I wasn't a little emotional. 420 00:18:26,072 --> 00:18:27,674 I was borderline psychotic. 421 00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:31,744 Oh. Since you brought it up, I'd say you crossed that border 422 00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:33,413 with ten more crazy people in your trunk. 423 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,483 I know. I'm so sorry. 424 00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,084 I get like that sometimes. 425 00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:41,020 It's a combination of low self-esteem. 426 00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:43,223 low blood sugar and mixing red wine 427 00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:45,124 with my dog's painkillers. 428 00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:48,261 Uh-huh. 429 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:54,133 Uh, I once took my cold medication with a mimosa. 430 00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:55,268 Spaced me out the whole day. 431 00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:57,304 So you forgive me? 432 00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:58,705 Oh, absolutely. 433 00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:00,373 Oh, thank you, Alan. 434 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,776 Don't mention it. 435 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:10,850 Mm, what are we doing? 436 00:19:10,917 --> 00:19:12,819 I'd like to make it up to you. 437 00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:15,288 Do you really think that's a good idea? 438 00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:17,390 I mean, last time it didn't work out so well. 439 00:19:17,457 --> 00:19:20,660 Please, Alan, just give me another chance. 440 00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:28,368 Oh, what the hell. 441 00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:31,904 MARGARET (annoyed): I thought you were in Dallas. 442 00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:34,741 I was. I got a phone call telling me to come home 443 00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:35,708 and check on my wife. 444 00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:36,843 From who? 445 00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,010 That's not important. 446 00:19:38,077 --> 00:19:40,146 This marriage is over. 447 00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:41,348 I want you out of my house. 448 00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:42,649 Well, I'm not leaving. 449 00:19:42,715 --> 00:19:44,451 Well, you have to because I'm selling it. 450 00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:46,018 In this market? Are you crazy? 451 00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:47,254 I've got a great Realtor, 452 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,456 and she assures me I can get top dollar. 453 00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:51,458 You've already talked to a Realtor? 454 00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:53,326 Who do you think called me in Dallas? 455 00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:54,961 And she's not just my Realtor. 456 00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:56,696 She's my friend. 457 00:19:56,763 --> 00:19:58,631 Oh, mom! 458 00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:03,336 * Men. 459 00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:06,072 SHARON: I hate you! 460 00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:09,276 You're a pig and you use me! 461 00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:15,948 She's cute. 462 00:20:16,015 --> 00:20:18,084 Yes, she is. 463 00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:21,120 So, how's it going? 464 00:20:21,187 --> 00:20:24,123 Well, we're trying to make it work. 465 00:20:24,190 --> 00:20:26,959 Good for you. 466 00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:28,160 So how's your night? 467 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,796 You'd be proud of me. 468 00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:30,997 I took the high road. 469 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,131 Congratulations. 470 00:20:32,198 --> 00:20:33,232 Didn't matter. 471 00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:35,768 It rarely does. 472 00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:38,471 * Men. 473 00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:41,641 Wait a minute. 474 00:20:41,708 --> 00:20:42,842 You're telling me that Mom knew 475 00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:44,677 you were going to sleep with that woman, 476 00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:47,179 and called the husband so that he'd catch her in the act? 477 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:50,883 Yep. The marriage ends and Mom gets a big commission 478 00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:51,884 for selling their house. 479 00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:53,353 Wow. 480 00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:56,022 She's an evil genius, Alan. 481 00:20:57,957 --> 00:21:00,527 If she lived in Gotham City, Batman would be toast. 482 00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:05,532 Hey, isn't that your new girlfriend? 483 00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:06,399 Where? 484 00:21:06,466 --> 00:21:08,301 Over there. 485 00:21:08,368 --> 00:21:12,905 Walking into the ocean with all her clothes on. 486 00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:14,907 Oh, yeah. 487 00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:17,577 She gets a little suicidal after we have sex. 488 00:21:19,178 --> 00:21:21,448 Yeah, yeah, ha-ha. 489 00:21:21,514 --> 00:21:24,283 Well, I'd better go pull her in. 490 00:21:28,755 --> 00:21:31,491 Ask if she's got a friend.