1
00:00:02,698 --> 00:00:04,526
Previously on
Two and a Half Men...

2
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FedEx just dropped off a box
addressed to Charlie.

3
00:00:06,658 --> 00:00:10,358
Looks like the knife he used to
chase you around the house with.

4
00:00:10,445 --> 00:00:13,665
"I'’m coming home,
and you'’re going to pay."

5
00:00:13,752 --> 00:00:15,015
I'’m telling you,
Charlie'’s alive.

6
00:00:15,102 --> 00:00:16,407
ROSE:
Oh, good.

7
00:00:16,494 --> 00:00:17,930
Then I don'’t have to tell you.

8
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:20,107
♪ Men, men, men.♪

9
00:00:22,413 --> 00:00:24,502
♪ Men.♪

10
00:00:24,589 --> 00:00:26,678
Charlie is still alive?

11
00:00:26,765 --> 00:00:28,985
Yeah, kinda.

12
00:00:29,072 --> 00:00:31,031
What do you mean, "kinda"?

13
00:00:31,118 --> 00:00:33,076
'’Cause she "kinda" drank when
she was pregnant with me,

14
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and now I "kinda"
can'’t do math.

15
00:00:35,252 --> 00:00:36,993
Hey.

16
00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:38,821
What are you still doing here?

17
00:00:38,908 --> 00:00:41,041
Oh, I accidentally fell asleep
in Zippy'’s room.

18
00:00:41,128 --> 00:00:43,869
How do you accidentally
fall asleep?

19
00:00:43,956 --> 00:00:47,264
You accidentally wash down
your pain pills with scotch.

20
00:00:50,659 --> 00:00:52,313
What'’s Fatal Attraction
doing here?

21
00:00:53,879 --> 00:00:56,186
She says that Charlie
is still alive.

22
00:00:56,273 --> 00:00:58,014
I knew it.

23
00:00:58,101 --> 00:00:59,146
Alan,

24
00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:00,973
if you move out

25
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,846
and Charlie stays here
with Walden,

26
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I believe that we can
keep this going

27
00:01:07,284 --> 00:01:08,851
for another five years.

28
00:01:11,245 --> 00:01:13,377
Yeah, I don'’t think so.

29
00:01:13,464 --> 00:01:15,553
So, uh...

30
00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,686
what exactly
happened to Charlie?

31
00:01:17,773 --> 00:01:18,861
Yeah, start from
the beginning.

32
00:01:18,948 --> 00:01:21,298
You mean from the pilot?

33
00:01:21,385 --> 00:01:23,605
No, what happened to my
brother after you married him?

34
00:01:23,692 --> 00:01:25,128
Oh.

35
00:01:25,215 --> 00:01:27,348
Well, we had
a wonderful wedding,

36
00:01:27,435 --> 00:01:30,525
and then we flew to Paris
for our honeymoon.

37
00:01:30,612 --> 00:01:33,919
We were so happy.
So animated.

38
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[both sigh]

39
00:01:36,313 --> 00:01:37,880
[chuckles]

40
00:01:37,967 --> 00:01:41,057
We went up
on the Eiffel Tower...

41
00:01:41,144 --> 00:01:43,190
and went down
on the Champs-EÉlysées.

42
00:01:43,277 --> 00:01:44,974
[zipper unzips, Charlie sighs]

43
00:01:45,061 --> 00:01:46,410
Ooh!

44
00:01:46,497 --> 00:01:48,978
Afterwards,
we celebrated our love

45
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with a romantic
candlelit dinner at the Ritz.

46
00:01:53,852 --> 00:01:55,202
[vacuum cleaner whirring]

47
00:01:57,726 --> 00:02:00,250
[sighs, sniffs]

48
00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:03,253
Of course, I'’ve always known
Charlie was no saint,

49
00:02:03,340 --> 00:02:05,386
but I thought marriage
would change him.

50
00:02:05,473 --> 00:02:06,561
Huh?

51
00:02:06,648 --> 00:02:08,780
I was wrong.

52
00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:10,521
So wrong.

53
00:02:10,608 --> 00:02:11,783
Huh?

54
00:02:11,870 --> 00:02:13,176
Disturbingly wrong.

55
00:02:13,263 --> 00:02:15,178
[bleats]

56
00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:17,789
I ran from the room, determined to never see him again.

57
00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:19,878
[bleating]:
Charlie...

58
00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:22,185
He finally caught up with me
at the train station,

59
00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:23,795
but all I could
think about was...

60
00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,406
[train whistle blowing] revenge.

61
00:02:25,493 --> 00:02:28,887
But at the last second,
fate intervened.

62
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So I booked us a cruise home.

63
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[muffled grunting]

64
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We moved into a brand-new house in Sherman Oaks--

65
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the good part,
south of the boulevard--

66
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where we could live
as a happy couple.

67
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WALDEN:
Wait a minute.

68
00:02:44,816 --> 00:02:46,775
You bought a house
with a dungeon?

69
00:02:46,862 --> 00:02:48,472
And a pit?

70
00:02:48,559 --> 00:02:49,734
Of course not.

71
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I had it remodeled.

72
00:02:51,432 --> 00:02:53,651
The permit process
was just a nightmare.

73
00:02:53,738 --> 00:02:55,305
Next time,
use my pit guy.

74
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He'’s the best.

75
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Continue.

76
00:02:58,961 --> 00:03:00,745
ROSE:
For the next four years,

77
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we were the happiest
we'’d ever been.

78
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I'’d feed him...

79
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bathe him...

80
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and, of course,
there was endless

81
00:03:09,493 --> 00:03:11,539
magical lovemaking.

82
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Then, a few days ago,
the unthinkable happened.

83
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Somehow, he managed
to make a rope

84
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out of his bowling shirts
and ran away,

85
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disappearing into the darkness.

86
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[cartoony music playing]

87
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Th-Th-Th-That'’s all, folks.

88
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♪ Men.♪

89
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

90
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♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
♪ Men.

91
00:03:40,916 --> 00:03:42,526
♪ Men.♪Charlie escaped?

92
00:03:42,613 --> 00:03:45,312
Uh, no.
Prisoners escape.

93
00:03:45,399 --> 00:03:47,836
Lovers run away because
they'’re afraid of commitment.

94
00:03:49,533 --> 00:03:51,405
Any-who, I just thought
I should tell you.

95
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You know, in case he drops by
and guts you all like fish.

96
00:03:55,757 --> 00:03:58,107
Why me? He doesn'’t
even know me.

97
00:03:58,194 --> 00:04:00,283
Oh, I told him all about you--

98
00:04:00,370 --> 00:04:02,329
how you'’re richer than him,
prettier than him,

99
00:04:02,416 --> 00:04:04,156
and moved into his house
and carried on

100
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:05,636
like he never existed.

101
00:04:06,811 --> 00:04:08,291
Thank you.

102
00:04:09,336 --> 00:04:10,815
Hold on, Rose.

103
00:04:10,902 --> 00:04:13,905
If Charlie is alive,
who'’s in the urn?

104
00:04:13,992 --> 00:04:15,864
Oh. That'’s Billy.

105
00:04:15,951 --> 00:04:17,605
Who'’s Billy?

106
00:04:17,692 --> 00:04:19,346
The bisexual goat

107
00:04:19,433 --> 00:04:21,478
who gave his life
that your son might live.

108
00:04:23,393 --> 00:04:25,395
So... so, what are we
supposed to do now?

109
00:04:25,482 --> 00:04:27,223
Wait a second.

110
00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:29,660
Are we really not gonna
talk about the fact

111
00:04:29,747 --> 00:04:32,141
that Charlie was having
sex with a goat?

112
00:04:32,228 --> 00:04:33,795
Well, you didn'’t know Charlie.

113
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It would have been weirder
if he hadn'’t.

114
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,190
Well, now that
you'’re all caught up,

115
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,670
I'’ll say my good-byes.

116
00:04:39,757 --> 00:04:41,411
You'’re leaving?

117
00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:43,500
Yeah. I'’m not gonna
stick around to find out

118
00:04:43,587 --> 00:04:46,155
what he'’s going to do to me just
because I loved him too much.

119
00:04:46,242 --> 00:04:47,635
Toodles.

120
00:04:51,726 --> 00:04:54,032
Nah. That'’s just stupid.

121
00:04:57,601 --> 00:04:59,951
No... no, no, no, no,
this is ridiculous.

122
00:05:00,038 --> 00:05:01,910
He'’s not gonna hurt anybody.

123
00:05:01,997 --> 00:05:03,868
Oh, of course not.

124
00:05:03,955 --> 00:05:05,914
Rose, wait up!

125
00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:07,698
What, you'’re leaving, too?

126
00:05:07,785 --> 00:05:09,961
Alan, your brother
wasn'’t very pleasant

127
00:05:10,048 --> 00:05:11,485
if he missed his morning coffee.

128
00:05:11,572 --> 00:05:13,269
How do you think
he'’s going to be

129
00:05:13,356 --> 00:05:15,184
after four years in a pit?

130
00:05:15,271 --> 00:05:16,968
So you'’re just gonna bail?

131
00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:19,144
Uh... yep.

132
00:05:20,668 --> 00:05:22,104
Berta, good-bye.

133
00:05:22,191 --> 00:05:24,672
I never really cared for you.

134
00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:27,762
Right back at you, Red.

135
00:05:27,849 --> 00:05:29,677
Walden...

136
00:05:31,243 --> 00:05:33,333
I loved you like a son.

137
00:05:34,377 --> 00:05:36,814
Alan...

138
00:05:36,901 --> 00:05:39,164
good luck.

139
00:05:42,516 --> 00:05:44,344
Well, I-I guess
we should go, too.

140
00:05:44,431 --> 00:05:45,649
Hold on!

141
00:05:45,736 --> 00:05:47,347
We'’re not really gonna run

142
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:49,218
'’cause of some
crazy woman'’s story

143
00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:51,525
and some vague text threats.

144
00:05:51,612 --> 00:05:52,961
[cell phone chimes]

145
00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:58,314
Okay, this one'’s
a little more specific.

146
00:05:58,401 --> 00:06:00,229
What does it say?

147
00:06:00,316 --> 00:06:03,537
"You despicable troll.

148
00:06:03,624 --> 00:06:06,627
"You thought you could
replace my ninja awesomeness,

149
00:06:06,714 --> 00:06:08,629
"you lame clown?

150
00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:12,459
"I will deploy my army of
assassins to destroy you.

151
00:06:12,546 --> 00:06:14,635
"I will bring my
bayonets of truth

152
00:06:14,722 --> 00:06:17,551
"to the hexagon of death,

153
00:06:17,638 --> 00:06:22,599
"where I will carve my initials
into your reptilian skull

154
00:06:22,686 --> 00:06:25,385
and cover you in
tiger'’s blood."

155
00:06:30,346 --> 00:06:33,784
Hard to believe he wrote
children'’s songs, isn'’t it?

156
00:06:33,871 --> 00:06:35,264
Yeah, we'’re gonna
need some help.

157
00:06:35,351 --> 00:06:37,092
Yeah, we'’re gonna need
a lot of help.

158
00:06:37,179 --> 00:06:39,224
Here, try these.

159
00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:41,226
They won'’t keep him
from hurting you,

160
00:06:41,313 --> 00:06:43,664
but they will keep you
from feeling it.

161
00:06:45,448 --> 00:06:47,407
♪ Men.♪

162
00:06:47,494 --> 00:06:49,278
Uh, thank you for
meeting with us

163
00:06:49,365 --> 00:06:51,106
on such short
notice, Lieutenant.

164
00:06:51,193 --> 00:06:53,195
[Austrian accent]:
Anything for you, my friend.

165
00:06:53,282 --> 00:06:54,544
How can I help?

166
00:06:54,631 --> 00:06:55,676
♪ Men.♪

167
00:07:00,811 --> 00:07:02,465
♪ Men.♪So, uh, that'’s about it,

168
00:07:02,552 --> 00:07:03,901
uh, uh, Lieutenant...

169
00:07:03,988 --> 00:07:05,555
Wagner.Uh, Wagner.

170
00:07:05,642 --> 00:07:07,383
No, not Wagner; Wagner.

171
00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:11,256
Uh, W-A-G-N-E-R.
Wagner.

172
00:07:11,343 --> 00:07:13,911
"Vhatever."

173
00:07:16,827 --> 00:07:19,743
All right, now, let me see
if I got this straight.

174
00:07:19,830 --> 00:07:23,399
12 years ago,
your wife kicked you out,

175
00:07:23,486 --> 00:07:25,923
and then you and your dumb son
moved in with your brother.

176
00:07:27,795 --> 00:07:29,623
Uh, uh, he wasn'’t dumb
at the beginning.

177
00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:31,712
Uh, he got dumb later on.

178
00:07:31,799 --> 00:07:33,191
What happened?

179
00:07:33,278 --> 00:07:35,629
Uh, well, turned out
it was funnier.

180
00:07:35,716 --> 00:07:37,239
All right.

181
00:07:37,326 --> 00:07:39,067
So your brother then
let you stay there

182
00:07:39,154 --> 00:07:40,938
eight and a half years
rent-free,

183
00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:43,114
even though you claim
that he never liked you.

184
00:07:43,201 --> 00:07:46,727
Ah. Ah, you'’re not the only one
to point out the illogic.

185
00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:51,819
And this brother of yours
supposedly died in Paris

186
00:07:51,906 --> 00:07:53,603
under mysterious circumstances.

187
00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:55,126
It wasn'’t all that mysterious.

188
00:07:55,213 --> 00:07:56,911
I mean, he was taking
a lot of drugs

189
00:07:56,998 --> 00:07:58,782
and pissed off almost everybody.

190
00:07:58,869 --> 00:08:02,133
And then you tried
to drown yourself,

191
00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:05,441
but you changed your mind
because the water was too cold.

192
00:08:08,096 --> 00:08:11,012
And then you got into his house
and offered to buy it.

193
00:08:11,099 --> 00:08:14,494
It seemed like a good
idea at the time.

194
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:19,324
And then you let him and his son
stay there for four more years.

195
00:08:19,411 --> 00:08:20,630
Right.

196
00:08:20,717 --> 00:08:22,502
Rent-free.

197
00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:24,373
Well, when you say
it like that,

198
00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:27,332
it sounds ridiculous.

199
00:08:27,419 --> 00:08:29,030
And then your dead brother'’s

200
00:08:29,117 --> 00:08:30,858
previously unknown
lesbian daughter shows up,

201
00:08:30,945 --> 00:08:32,686
and then you let her move in.

202
00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:35,384
[chuckles] You can'’t
write this stuff, huh?

203
00:08:35,471 --> 00:08:38,300
And then the two of you
got married to each other.

204
00:08:39,388 --> 00:08:41,651
Yes.

205
00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:42,783
But you'’re not gay.

206
00:08:42,870 --> 00:08:45,525
Well, I'’m not.

207
00:08:45,612 --> 00:08:47,831
And then you adopted
a black child.

208
00:08:47,918 --> 00:08:50,312
Ah, ah, he'’s, uh...
he'’s more Eurasian.

209
00:08:50,399 --> 00:08:51,835
Uh...

210
00:08:53,402 --> 00:08:55,796
Oh, what a sweetie pie.

211
00:08:58,102 --> 00:08:59,930
And the two of you
are now divorced?

212
00:09:00,017 --> 00:09:01,715
Mmm.But you'’re living together.

213
00:09:01,802 --> 00:09:04,500
If I leave,
the whole thing falls apart.

214
00:09:05,632 --> 00:09:07,198
Yeah, of course.

215
00:09:07,285 --> 00:09:10,332
Uh, and now the woman
who stalked your brother

216
00:09:10,419 --> 00:09:11,855
and then married him

217
00:09:11,942 --> 00:09:14,031
all of a sudden shows up
and she says

218
00:09:14,118 --> 00:09:16,730
that he'’s not dead after all,
that she has been keeping him

219
00:09:16,817 --> 00:09:18,862
in a dungeon pit
in the San Fernando Valley.

220
00:09:18,949 --> 00:09:20,603
Ah, uh, Sherman Oaks.

221
00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:23,388
Uh, but the good part--
uh, south of the boulevard.

222
00:09:24,825 --> 00:09:26,217
And then he escaped,

223
00:09:26,304 --> 00:09:28,132
and he sent you cigars
and whiskey.

224
00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:30,178
Oh, and don'’t forget
the chasin'’ knife.

225
00:09:30,265 --> 00:09:31,614
Oh, and the
threatening text.

226
00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:33,137
He said, uh,
"I'’m coming home,

227
00:09:33,224 --> 00:09:34,443
and you'’re gonna pay."

228
00:09:34,530 --> 00:09:36,314
I'’m confused.

229
00:09:36,401 --> 00:09:39,230
'’Cause you said
he doesn'’t pay for anything.

230
00:09:41,929 --> 00:09:43,408
I think the point is,

231
00:09:43,495 --> 00:09:45,672
is that we need you
to find him becau...

232
00:09:45,759 --> 00:09:48,413
This guy has some
serious rage issues.

233
00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:50,981
Has he tried anger management?

234
00:09:51,068 --> 00:09:53,201
Yeah, but it didn'’t work.

235
00:09:56,117 --> 00:09:58,075
Okay.

236
00:09:58,162 --> 00:10:01,078
Well, I have
this inscription now,

237
00:10:01,165 --> 00:10:04,734
and so if we find him,
I'’ll let you know.

238
00:10:04,821 --> 00:10:05,779
Uh, well...
Thank you.

239
00:10:05,866 --> 00:10:07,041
Uh, really appreciate it.

240
00:10:07,128 --> 00:10:08,390
No problem.

241
00:10:08,477 --> 00:10:10,261
Now, if I can, uh,

242
00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:11,698
offer you a word of advice...

243
00:10:11,785 --> 00:10:13,395
Mm-hmm?

244
00:10:13,482 --> 00:10:15,049
I would consider
wrapping this whole thing up.

245
00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:16,485
Uh, what do you mean?

246
00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:18,618
I mean the whole
living arrangement.

247
00:10:18,705 --> 00:10:21,098
The kids, the girls,
the beach house.

248
00:10:21,185 --> 00:10:25,102
I mean, this whole thing
has been going on way too long.

249
00:10:26,756 --> 00:10:29,106
Yeah, a lot of people
been saying that.

250
00:10:29,193 --> 00:10:31,369
Haters gonna hate.

251
00:10:34,024 --> 00:10:35,809
♪ Men.♪

252
00:10:35,896 --> 00:10:38,028
We should get out of town
for a couple of days.

253
00:10:38,115 --> 00:10:39,769
You know, go to
a nice resort,

254
00:10:39,856 --> 00:10:41,728
uh, get some facials,
mani-pedis.

255
00:10:41,815 --> 00:10:43,294
You know, a
guys'’ weekend.

256
00:10:43,381 --> 00:10:45,122
No... we'’re not going anywhere.

257
00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:47,298
We got a state-of-the-art
security system.

258
00:10:47,385 --> 00:10:50,432
Nobody gets in
unless we let them in.

259
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,609
[both screaming]

260
00:10:55,611 --> 00:10:58,614
What the hell?!

261
00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:00,485
"We got a state-of-the-art
security system.

262
00:11:00,572 --> 00:11:02,531
No one gets in unless
we let them in."

263
00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:04,620
Shut up.No, you shut up.

264
00:11:04,707 --> 00:11:06,404
Hey.
[both scream]

265
00:11:12,976 --> 00:11:14,456
Jake?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!

266
00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:15,718
Oh, my God.

267
00:11:15,805 --> 00:11:16,806
[laughing]

268
00:11:16,893 --> 00:11:18,199
Hey!

269
00:11:18,286 --> 00:11:19,722
What are you
doing here?

270
00:11:19,809 --> 00:11:21,332
Yeah, I thought
you were in the Army.

271
00:11:21,419 --> 00:11:22,899
Come on. Look at me.

272
00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:25,293
Do I look like someone
who'’s in the Army?

273
00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:26,555
Not on our side.

274
00:11:28,383 --> 00:11:30,994
Come in.

275
00:11:31,081 --> 00:11:33,388
Hey. These are pretty cool.
Where'’d you get them? Target?

276
00:11:33,475 --> 00:11:35,477
[laughs]

277
00:11:35,564 --> 00:11:37,174
You get it? '’Cause of the...
there'’s the circles...

278
00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:39,002
Yeah, no, no, I got it.
I got it. No.

279
00:11:39,089 --> 00:11:40,525
Here'’s the thing.

280
00:11:40,612 --> 00:11:42,179
It turns out that
your Uncle Charlie

281
00:11:42,266 --> 00:11:43,267
might still be alive.

282
00:11:43,354 --> 00:11:44,965
Oh.

283
00:11:45,052 --> 00:11:48,229
That would explain why
I got a check for $250,000

284
00:11:48,316 --> 00:11:50,622
and a note that said,
"I'’m alive."

285
00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:53,974
You have $250,000?

286
00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:56,237
Not anymore. I stopped in
in Vegas on the way here.

287
00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:58,500
Oh, God. How much
do you have left?

288
00:11:58,587 --> 00:12:00,545
Two and a half million.

289
00:12:00,632 --> 00:12:02,112
[whimpers]

290
00:12:02,199 --> 00:12:03,548
Oh!

291
00:12:03,635 --> 00:12:06,595
You won $2.5 million?

292
00:12:06,682 --> 00:12:08,162
Oh, yeah.
It'’s not that hard.

293
00:12:08,249 --> 00:12:11,165
I kept playing craps
because, you know, "crap."

294
00:12:13,036 --> 00:12:15,125
Oh, and I kept
betting on come, because...

295
00:12:15,212 --> 00:12:17,998
[laughing]

296
00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:21,915
Wow. That'’s... amazing
that you made so much money

297
00:12:22,002 --> 00:12:24,265
with such stupid jokes.

298
00:12:31,315 --> 00:12:32,229
Taterhead!

299
00:12:34,057 --> 00:12:35,363
Hey, Berta.

300
00:12:35,450 --> 00:12:37,278
Oh, look at you!

301
00:12:37,365 --> 00:12:39,019
You look like a grown man.

302
00:12:39,106 --> 00:12:41,108
Really? Which one?

303
00:12:41,195 --> 00:12:43,284
I'’ve missed you.

304
00:12:43,371 --> 00:12:44,938
Berta, what are you
still doing here?

305
00:12:45,025 --> 00:12:46,243
No idea.

306
00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:49,856
By the way, you'’re out of pot.

307
00:12:51,814 --> 00:12:53,598
Where'’d these things come from?
Target?

308
00:12:53,685 --> 00:12:55,775
Ah. Too late.

309
00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:57,167
I already did that joke.Ah...

310
00:12:57,254 --> 00:12:58,647
No, somebody
left them here.

311
00:12:58,734 --> 00:12:59,866
You didn'’t
hear anything?

312
00:12:59,953 --> 00:13:01,302
I heard colors.

313
00:13:01,389 --> 00:13:03,217
No, I-I am telling you,

314
00:13:03,304 --> 00:13:05,741
Charlie is planning
on killing us all.

315
00:13:05,828 --> 00:13:07,612
Okay. It was good
to see you guys.

316
00:13:07,699 --> 00:13:09,614
Wait, th-that'’s it?
You'’re leaving?

317
00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:12,008
Oh, nothing personal--
I just got to get back to Japan

318
00:13:12,095 --> 00:13:14,054
and tell my wife and kids
that we'’re rich.

319
00:13:14,141 --> 00:13:15,751
You'’re...
you'’re married?

320
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:17,057
Yeah. Didn'’t I mention that?

321
00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:18,232
No.

322
00:13:18,319 --> 00:13:20,016
Wh-Wh-Wh-Whoa.
You have kids?

323
00:13:20,103 --> 00:13:21,148
Well, they'’re hers.

324
00:13:21,235 --> 00:13:22,627
She'’s a dancer.

325
00:13:22,714 --> 00:13:24,412
Uh, let me guess--
a pole dancer?

326
00:13:24,499 --> 00:13:26,327
No, she'’s Japanese.

327
00:13:34,161 --> 00:13:36,119
Well, see you.

328
00:13:38,905 --> 00:13:40,907
All right, all right, we-we
got to close these shades.

329
00:13:40,994 --> 00:13:43,126
Anybody on the beach will
have a clear shot at us.

330
00:13:43,213 --> 00:13:44,258
Right.

331
00:13:44,345 --> 00:13:46,086
Do this...

332
00:13:49,350 --> 00:13:52,440
Man, it sucks to be you guys.

333
00:13:53,963 --> 00:13:55,617
♪ Men.♪

334
00:13:55,704 --> 00:13:57,010
[phone ringing]

335
00:13:57,097 --> 00:13:58,533
Hello?

336
00:13:58,620 --> 00:13:59,882
Judith, it'’s me.

337
00:13:59,969 --> 00:14:01,188
Oh, hey, Alan.

338
00:14:01,275 --> 00:14:02,754
Isn'’t it wonderful about Jake?

339
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:03,973
Uh, yeah, wonderful.
Listen...

340
00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:05,757
Did he give you $100,000, too?

341
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,368
He gave you $100,000?

342
00:14:07,455 --> 00:14:08,848
No. What do you want?

343
00:14:10,110 --> 00:14:12,025
Uh, uh, okay, long story short--

344
00:14:12,112 --> 00:14:14,810
it turns out my brother is alive
and he'’s out for revenge.

345
00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:16,725
Revenge? For what?

346
00:14:16,812 --> 00:14:18,814
Well, he didn'’t think
I could go on without him.

347
00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:20,381
He thought I was more of

348
00:14:20,468 --> 00:14:22,122
a supporting character
in his life,

349
00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:24,602
but it turns out
I-I was sort of a co-lead.

350
00:14:24,689 --> 00:14:27,475
Um, a-anyway,
I just wanted you to know

351
00:14:27,562 --> 00:14:29,781
that if anything
were to happen to me,

352
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,740
you were the love of my life.

353
00:14:31,827 --> 00:14:33,916
Oh, Alan, that is so sweet.

354
00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:36,614
Hang on, honey.
I'’m getting another call.

355
00:14:46,059 --> 00:14:47,756
She'’s not coming back.

356
00:14:47,843 --> 00:14:49,497
♪ Men.♪

357
00:14:49,584 --> 00:14:51,151
[phone ringing]

358
00:14:51,238 --> 00:14:52,456
Hello?

359
00:14:52,543 --> 00:14:53,936
Bridget, hi.

360
00:14:54,023 --> 00:14:55,372
It'’s Walden.

361
00:14:55,459 --> 00:14:57,157
Hey, Walden. What'’s up?

362
00:14:57,244 --> 00:15:00,116
I can'’t go into detail,
but I just...

363
00:15:00,203 --> 00:15:03,293
I wanted to say that I wish
I'’d been a better husband.

364
00:15:03,380 --> 00:15:04,599
[chuckles softly]

365
00:15:04,686 --> 00:15:06,731
Well, thank you.

366
00:15:06,818 --> 00:15:09,212
And I just want to say that...

367
00:15:09,299 --> 00:15:11,127
I'’m having sex with John Stamos.

368
00:15:13,738 --> 00:15:14,652
I'’m not lying.

369
00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:18,787
Go for Stamos.

370
00:15:18,874 --> 00:15:20,920
Stamos, you'’re just
a handsome guy

371
00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:22,965
who got lucky on a sitcom.

372
00:15:23,052 --> 00:15:25,402
Listen, um, I'’m just gonna
set the phone down

373
00:15:25,489 --> 00:15:27,927
so you can listen to me
shish-kebab your old lady, okay?

374
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:29,145
Bye-bye.

375
00:15:29,232 --> 00:15:31,147
♪ Men.♪

376
00:15:31,234 --> 00:15:32,496
[photographers clamoring]

377
00:15:32,583 --> 00:15:35,325
[phone ringing]Hold on, fellas.

378
00:15:35,412 --> 00:15:37,110
Hello.

379
00:15:37,197 --> 00:15:38,589
Uh, Kandi, it'’s Alan.

380
00:15:38,676 --> 00:15:40,678
Oh, hi, Alan!

381
00:15:40,765 --> 00:15:42,376
I just wanted you to know that,

382
00:15:42,463 --> 00:15:44,508
even though we were only married
for a short time,

383
00:15:44,595 --> 00:15:46,728
you were the love of my life.

384
00:15:46,815 --> 00:15:48,556
Oh, how sweet.

385
00:15:48,643 --> 00:15:51,951
And you were the first guy
I had tushy sex with.

386
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:53,953
You guys didn'’t hear that.

387
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,084
♪ Men.♪

388
00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:56,303
[phone ringing]

389
00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:57,521
Hello.

390
00:15:57,608 --> 00:15:58,958
Zoey.

391
00:15:59,045 --> 00:16:01,134
Hi. It'’s Walden.

392
00:16:01,221 --> 00:16:03,049
Oh, Walden.

393
00:16:03,136 --> 00:16:05,355
How are you, darling?

394
00:16:05,442 --> 00:16:07,183
Uh, not so good.

395
00:16:07,270 --> 00:16:09,098
Uh... that'’s why I'’m calling.

396
00:16:09,185 --> 00:16:11,796
I... I just wanted
to tell you that...

397
00:16:11,883 --> 00:16:14,538
I'’ve been thinking
about you lately, and...

398
00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:16,932
I'’m sorry about
the way things ended.

399
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:19,804
Oh, well...
water under the bridge.

400
00:16:19,891 --> 00:16:21,545
Listen, I'’d love to chat,

401
00:16:21,632 --> 00:16:23,243
but I'’m in the middle
of a coronation.

402
00:16:26,594 --> 00:16:28,596
Of a what?

403
00:16:28,683 --> 00:16:30,206
A coronation.

404
00:16:30,293 --> 00:16:32,208
I married King Rupert
of Moldavia,

405
00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:35,168
and I'’m being
crowned queen, so...

406
00:16:35,255 --> 00:16:38,171
You'’re the queen of Moldavia?

407
00:16:38,258 --> 00:16:39,737
What can I say?

408
00:16:39,824 --> 00:16:41,348
Thank you, JDate.

409
00:16:41,435 --> 00:16:43,567
[sighs] Shalom.

410
00:16:46,353 --> 00:16:48,442
Darling,
you still breathing?

411
00:16:48,529 --> 00:16:50,096
♪ Men.♪

412
00:16:50,183 --> 00:16:51,314
Hello?

413
00:16:51,401 --> 00:16:52,794
Lyndsey, it'’s Alan.

414
00:16:52,881 --> 00:16:55,318
Hi, Alan.
I was just showing off

415
00:16:55,405 --> 00:16:56,711
the beautiful engagement ring
you gave me.

416
00:16:59,322 --> 00:17:01,759
Great. Listen,
I-I just wanted you to know

417
00:17:01,846 --> 00:17:04,197
that if anything
were to happen to me,

418
00:17:04,284 --> 00:17:06,199
you were the love of my life.

419
00:17:06,286 --> 00:17:07,852
Oh, baby.

420
00:17:07,939 --> 00:17:09,854
You'’re the love of my life.

421
00:17:09,941 --> 00:17:11,117
[quietly]:
So, how much?

422
00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:14,990
♪ Men.♪

423
00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:16,992
Okay, I will say
it one more time.

424
00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:18,689
Resort hotel
till the cops find him.

425
00:17:18,776 --> 00:17:20,865
We can be in Vegas in two hours.

426
00:17:20,952 --> 00:17:23,259
Styx is playing Mandalay Bay.

427
00:17:23,346 --> 00:17:25,566
No, if I let Charlie
drive me out of this house,

428
00:17:25,653 --> 00:17:27,785
I reward his bad behavior.

429
00:17:27,872 --> 00:17:30,745
Yeah. That'’s only supposed
to happen in show business.

430
00:17:30,832 --> 00:17:31,833
Which we are not in.

431
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:35,402
Not anymore.

432
00:17:35,489 --> 00:17:37,665
[cell phone ringing]

433
00:17:37,752 --> 00:17:40,102
Oh. Hello?

434
00:17:40,189 --> 00:17:42,235
Walden?Walden.

435
00:17:42,322 --> 00:17:44,367
That'’s what I said.

436
00:17:44,454 --> 00:17:46,413
Look, I have good news.

437
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:47,675
We found your boy.

438
00:17:47,762 --> 00:17:48,763
They found Charlie.

439
00:17:48,850 --> 00:17:50,199
Are-are they sure?

440
00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:52,027
Uh, uh, are...
are you sure it'’s him?

441
00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:53,985
Well, he matches
the description.

442
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,336
Bowling shirt, cargo shorts,

443
00:17:56,423 --> 00:17:58,120
and he'’s babbling away
incoherently.

444
00:17:59,339 --> 00:18:00,427
That sounds like him.

445
00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:01,428
Wh-Where'’d you find him?

446
00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:02,733
In a trashed hotel room

447
00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:04,387
with a hooker in the closet.

448
00:18:04,474 --> 00:18:06,128
That'’s absolutely him.

449
00:18:06,215 --> 00:18:07,695
Oh, my...
Thank you so much.

450
00:18:07,782 --> 00:18:09,436
This is a huge relief.

451
00:18:09,523 --> 00:18:10,785
Oh, you'’re welcome.

452
00:18:10,872 --> 00:18:12,134
Uh, see you in the gym.

453
00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:14,441
Okay. Hasta la vista.

454
00:18:14,528 --> 00:18:17,531
I'’m telling you,
I'’m not Charlie Harper.

455
00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:18,749
Then who are you?

456
00:18:18,836 --> 00:18:20,882
My name is Christian Slater.

457
00:18:20,969 --> 00:18:22,753
I'’m an actor, all right?

458
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:25,278
I was in a bar, and this guy
hands me a drink.

459
00:18:25,365 --> 00:18:27,497
Next thing I know,
I wake up in a hotel room

460
00:18:27,584 --> 00:18:29,064
dressed like a 12-year-old,

461
00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:30,631
with a screaming woman
in the closet.

462
00:18:30,718 --> 00:18:32,285
Yeah, right.

463
00:18:32,372 --> 00:18:33,721
And I'’m the governor
of California.

464
00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:37,507
That bitch stole my watch!

465
00:18:37,594 --> 00:18:39,901
♪ Men.♪

466
00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:46,995
♪ Men.♪

467
00:18:47,082 --> 00:18:48,605
What do you think
Charlie will do

468
00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:50,172
when he gets out
of jail?

469
00:18:50,259 --> 00:18:52,914
Well, if the past
is any indication,

470
00:18:53,001 --> 00:18:56,613
he'’ll sober up and reflect
on his past mistakes,

471
00:18:56,700 --> 00:18:58,267
apologize to everyone,

472
00:18:58,354 --> 00:19:00,008
and then do something
even worse.

473
00:19:01,966 --> 00:19:03,707
See, I'’m not so pessimistic.

474
00:19:03,794 --> 00:19:05,970
I'’m hoping someday
he and I can be buddies.

475
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:11,150
[all laughing]

476
00:19:12,716 --> 00:19:15,241
Good one.

477
00:19:15,328 --> 00:19:16,633
By the way,

478
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,940
when this cigar is done,
so am I.

479
00:19:19,027 --> 00:19:20,550
Yeah, you calling it a day?

480
00:19:20,637 --> 00:19:22,813
Calling it a career.You'’re quitting?

481
00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:24,815
I didn'’t want to rub
your nose in it,

482
00:19:24,902 --> 00:19:26,730
but Charlie sent me
a big-ass check,

483
00:19:26,817 --> 00:19:28,210
so I'’m out of here.

484
00:19:28,297 --> 00:19:29,559
Where you gonna go?

485
00:19:29,646 --> 00:19:30,865
Don'’t know.

486
00:19:30,952 --> 00:19:32,475
Somewhere the sun is bright,

487
00:19:32,562 --> 00:19:35,522
the pot is strong
and the men are stupid.

488
00:19:36,784 --> 00:19:38,177
That'’s here.

489
00:19:40,701 --> 00:19:42,268
You'’re right.

490
00:19:42,355 --> 00:19:43,834
I'’m staying.

491
00:19:45,836 --> 00:19:47,055
[helicopter approaching]

492
00:19:47,142 --> 00:19:48,230
Wow.

493
00:19:48,317 --> 00:19:50,058
Look at that.

494
00:19:54,062 --> 00:19:56,934
Someone'’s having a piano
delivered by helicopter.

495
00:19:57,021 --> 00:19:58,327
Mmm. That'’s the kind of
extravagant thing

496
00:19:58,414 --> 00:19:59,937
Charlie would do.

497
00:20:00,024 --> 00:20:02,505
Oh, uh, he had a baby grand
just like that.

498
00:20:02,592 --> 00:20:04,072
It'’s coming right this way.

499
00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:08,468
You don'’t think
that it'’s possible

500
00:20:08,555 --> 00:20:11,079
that the cops got
the wrong guy, do you?

501
00:20:13,037 --> 00:20:14,996
Nah.
Nah.

502
00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:23,961
[doorbell rings]

503
00:20:24,048 --> 00:20:25,528
[helicopter whirring overhead]

504
00:20:36,365 --> 00:20:37,932
Winning.

505
00:20:45,069 --> 00:20:49,422
♪ Men, men, men.♪