1 00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:04,134 ♪ Men.♪ 2 00:00:04,221 --> 00:00:06,180 Sex is so much better with someone you know well. 3 00:00:06,267 --> 00:00:08,095 Yeah.Mm-hmm. 4 00:00:08,182 --> 00:00:10,053 That'’s why so many marriages last forever. 5 00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:12,012 [both cackling] 6 00:00:14,318 --> 00:00:16,538 But it'’s true, it'’s true-- sex is better when you, 7 00:00:16,625 --> 00:00:18,453 you know, you know the other person'’s rhythms, 8 00:00:18,540 --> 00:00:20,107 what they like, 9 00:00:20,194 --> 00:00:22,109 which leg they can put behind their head. 10 00:00:22,196 --> 00:00:24,024 I'’m still impressed you can do that. 11 00:00:24,937 --> 00:00:26,678 Uh, yoga. 12 00:00:26,765 --> 00:00:28,941 When I started, I was single and I wanted to be 13 00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,900 flexible enough to give myself a... 14 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:36,036 You know, I, uh, I-I really would have missed you 15 00:00:36,123 --> 00:00:37,515 if you moved to San Francisco. 16 00:00:37,602 --> 00:00:39,300 Aw, me, too. 17 00:00:39,387 --> 00:00:41,389 Although maybe I should have waited to sell the house. 18 00:00:41,476 --> 00:00:43,521 I got to be out of here in two weeks.Mm. 19 00:00:43,608 --> 00:00:45,262 I could help you find an apartment. 20 00:00:45,349 --> 00:00:47,221 Unless you want me to stay out of your hair. 21 00:00:47,308 --> 00:00:49,353 Hey, that'’s the second time I said that tonight. 22 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:52,182 Actually, I really could use your help. 23 00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:55,011 I mean, unless you'’re busy with work. 24 00:00:55,098 --> 00:00:56,969 [both cackling] 25 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,406 Oh, I love you, Lyndsey. 26 00:00:58,493 --> 00:00:59,798 I love you, too, Alan. 27 00:00:59,885 --> 00:01:00,973 You want to go again?No. 28 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,367 You satisfied me the first time. 29 00:01:03,454 --> 00:01:04,499 [both cackling] 30 00:01:04,586 --> 00:01:06,979 ♪ Men.♪ 31 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,852 Walden, do you believe in destiny? 32 00:01:09,939 --> 00:01:11,854 I believe in 33 00:01:11,941 --> 00:01:14,161 Destiny'’s Child. 34 00:01:14,248 --> 00:01:16,815 I'’m serious. 35 00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:18,121 Think of everything that happened 36 00:01:18,208 --> 00:01:19,557 that led us to this moment. 37 00:01:19,644 --> 00:01:22,038 Oh, see, that... I'’d rather not. 38 00:01:22,125 --> 00:01:24,562 I know you don'’t want to talk about my relationship with Alan. 39 00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:26,434 No, I don'’t. I don'’t even like 40 00:01:26,521 --> 00:01:28,697 sharing a cab with Alan. 41 00:01:28,784 --> 00:01:31,656 But don'’t you see? If Alan and I hadn'’t been together 42 00:01:31,743 --> 00:01:34,094 and I hadn'’t freaked out when he rejected me, 43 00:01:34,181 --> 00:01:36,226 you wouldn'’t be here to comfort me. 44 00:01:36,313 --> 00:01:38,272 In a way, I just want to say 45 00:01:38,359 --> 00:01:40,709 thank you, Alan Harper. 46 00:01:40,796 --> 00:01:42,319 Yeah. 47 00:01:42,406 --> 00:01:45,757 Thank you, Alan Harper. 48 00:01:45,844 --> 00:01:48,717 So-So you are aware that you... 49 00:01:50,153 --> 00:01:51,807 ...freaked out a little bit. 50 00:01:51,894 --> 00:01:54,114 You mean when I showed up to your house at midnight 51 00:01:54,201 --> 00:01:56,986 in the rain or when I followed Alan for 12 straight hours 52 00:01:57,073 --> 00:01:59,293 and peed in a bottle in my car? 53 00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:03,035 I didn'’t know you did that. That'’s... 54 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,733 Look at us, getting to know each other. 55 00:02:04,820 --> 00:02:06,082 [soft chuckle] 56 00:02:06,169 --> 00:02:07,953 So-So was that 57 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:09,999 out of character for you, would you say? 58 00:02:10,086 --> 00:02:12,915 Well, I admit, I am not good with rejection. 59 00:02:13,002 --> 00:02:14,438 Who is? 60 00:02:14,525 --> 00:02:16,136 Well, don'’t worry. 61 00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:19,704 I am never, ever gonna let go of you. 62 00:02:19,791 --> 00:02:21,967 I believe you. 63 00:02:22,054 --> 00:02:24,361 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 64 00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:27,538 ♪ Ah. ♪ Men. ♪ Men. 65 00:02:31,586 --> 00:02:32,630 ♪ Men.♪ 66 00:02:32,717 --> 00:02:34,632 Uh-oh. 67 00:02:37,331 --> 00:02:39,202 I'’ll let you know when I'’m done. 68 00:02:41,030 --> 00:02:42,597 Okay, once again, 69 00:02:42,684 --> 00:02:45,426 I will buy you another Lego mini figure. 70 00:02:47,428 --> 00:02:49,734 We don'’t have to wait for that one to come out. 71 00:02:52,389 --> 00:02:53,999 Hey. 72 00:02:54,086 --> 00:02:56,524 Oh, you always know when I'’ve had sex. 73 00:02:57,829 --> 00:02:59,353 What gave it away? 74 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,485 The bounce in my step or the glow in my cheek? 75 00:03:01,572 --> 00:03:03,139 No, it'’s probably the, uh, text 76 00:03:03,226 --> 00:03:04,880 I got from you that said, 77 00:03:04,967 --> 00:03:07,535 "Guess why I can'’t see my penis right now." 78 00:03:07,622 --> 00:03:09,319 I was bored. 79 00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:12,061 So, uh, how was your little talk with Ms. McMartin? 80 00:03:12,148 --> 00:03:15,673 You know, about that whole situation-- you and her-- 81 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,241 I just... you know, maybe I just judged you too harshly. 82 00:03:18,328 --> 00:03:21,331 No, no, I was... I deserved it. I-I was stupid and weak. 83 00:03:21,418 --> 00:03:24,291 And besides, bitch be crazy. 84 00:03:25,509 --> 00:03:26,858 Yeah. Well... 85 00:03:26,945 --> 00:03:28,469 bitch be my girlfriend. 86 00:03:30,427 --> 00:03:33,430 Oh, my God. You didn'’t. 87 00:03:33,517 --> 00:03:36,041 After all the crap you gave me? 88 00:03:36,128 --> 00:03:38,783 "How could you sleep with our social worker, Alan?" 89 00:03:38,870 --> 00:03:42,352 "Get your penis out of my business, Alan." 90 00:03:42,439 --> 00:03:45,399 "That'’s not what yoga is for, Alan." 91 00:03:45,486 --> 00:03:47,836 Okay, fine, I admit it. I-I made a mistake. 92 00:03:47,923 --> 00:03:50,142 I just... I Alan'’d this whole thing up. 93 00:03:51,709 --> 00:03:54,059 My name as a verb. I like it. 94 00:03:54,146 --> 00:03:55,931 So-So how did this happen? 95 00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:59,413 I don'’t know. I just... I went over there and then... 96 00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:01,502 she got all emotional 97 00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:03,765 and kept calling herself a loser and then... 98 00:04:03,852 --> 00:04:05,549 Okay, and then she started to cry. 99 00:04:05,636 --> 00:04:08,726 Oh, crying. She used that to turn me on, too. 100 00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:11,642 What? No. I-I comforted her 101 00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:14,558 and then one thing led to an... You'’re a freak. 102 00:04:14,645 --> 00:04:16,212 Hey, hey, don'’t call me a freak. 103 00:04:16,299 --> 00:04:17,779 You'’re the one who Alan'’d it up. 104 00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:20,216 You know what, maybe it'’ll be okay. 105 00:04:20,303 --> 00:04:22,262 I mean, she only goes crazy when she gets rejected, 106 00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:24,742 so I just have to keep her happy for a couple days 107 00:04:24,829 --> 00:04:26,701 until we finalize Louis'’s adoption. 108 00:04:26,788 --> 00:04:27,919 See, I just... 109 00:04:28,006 --> 00:04:29,747 I feel bad, '’cause... 110 00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:31,749 I mean, she already fell head over heels in love with me. 111 00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:34,186 She Walden'’d you. 112 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,536 You know what? 113 00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:36,754 Go Alan yourself. 114 00:04:36,841 --> 00:04:39,627 Thanks to yoga, I can. 115 00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:43,283 ♪ Men.♪ 116 00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:44,719 This is great. 117 00:04:44,806 --> 00:04:46,764 Lots of natural light, hardwood floors, 118 00:04:46,851 --> 00:04:48,592 and it'’s next to a Chipotle. 119 00:04:48,679 --> 00:04:50,725 I can'’t wait for our first post-booty burrito. 120 00:04:50,812 --> 00:04:52,944 It'’s also right across the street 121 00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:54,381 from a really cute bookstore. 122 00:04:54,468 --> 00:04:56,644 Remember books? 123 00:04:56,731 --> 00:04:58,210 And-and you saw how big those closets are. 124 00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,560 I could live in those things. 125 00:04:59,647 --> 00:05:00,909 Not a good idea. 126 00:05:00,996 --> 00:05:02,302 I already have enough people asking me 127 00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:04,129 if you'’re in the closet. 128 00:05:04,216 --> 00:05:05,609 People think I'’m gay? 129 00:05:05,696 --> 00:05:06,784 That'’s hilarious. 130 00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:09,439 Can'’t wait to tell my husband. 131 00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:12,181 So... do you really like it? 132 00:05:12,268 --> 00:05:13,487 [scoffs] What'’s not to like? 133 00:05:13,574 --> 00:05:14,792 This place is amazing. 134 00:05:14,879 --> 00:05:16,707 Good. '’Cause I was thinking 135 00:05:16,794 --> 00:05:19,231 maybe instead of visiting, 136 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,103 why don'’t you move in with me? 137 00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:22,452 In this dump? 138 00:05:22,539 --> 00:05:24,106 You just said you liked it. 139 00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:25,977 That was when I thought it was for you. 140 00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:27,762 But for the two of us? 141 00:05:27,849 --> 00:05:28,980 There'’s no study. 142 00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:30,286 Where would I write my novel? 143 00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:31,809 You'’re writing a novel? 144 00:05:31,896 --> 00:05:33,594 Well, when I finish my screenplay. 145 00:05:33,681 --> 00:05:35,944 Do you not want to live with me? 146 00:05:36,031 --> 00:05:38,120 No, of course I do. 147 00:05:38,207 --> 00:05:40,078 But I-I want our place to be perfect. 148 00:05:40,165 --> 00:05:41,993 Like you. 149 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,126 Uh, and I don'’t care how long it takes to find it. 150 00:05:44,213 --> 00:05:45,519 You have two weeks. 151 00:05:45,606 --> 00:05:47,564 [scoffs] Two weeks? 152 00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:49,305 That'’s-that'’s plenty of time to find an apartment 153 00:05:49,392 --> 00:05:51,525 and finish Alan Harper: Vampire Hunter. 154 00:05:53,048 --> 00:05:55,529 ♪ Men.♪ 155 00:05:58,619 --> 00:05:59,620 There you are! 156 00:05:59,707 --> 00:06:01,448 [screams] 157 00:06:01,535 --> 00:06:02,536 Hi! 158 00:06:02,623 --> 00:06:03,711 There you are! 159 00:06:03,798 --> 00:06:05,277 In my kitchen. 160 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,844 Holding a knife. 161 00:06:06,931 --> 00:06:08,237 Oh, I'’m sorry. 162 00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:09,760 I wanted to surprise you. 163 00:06:09,847 --> 00:06:13,285 Well, I peed a little, so... 164 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:14,417 good job. 165 00:06:15,810 --> 00:06:17,159 Wh-Who... How did you get in here? 166 00:06:17,246 --> 00:06:18,595 Berta. 167 00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:20,292 I told her I was cooking for you. 168 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,990 She said, "Great. Clean the toilets, too." 169 00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:23,905 Then she grabbed a six-pack and she went home. 170 00:06:23,992 --> 00:06:27,212 So it'’s just me and you. 171 00:06:27,299 --> 00:06:28,257 There'’s no witnesses. 172 00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:29,867 [laughs] 173 00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:31,042 You are so funny. 174 00:06:31,129 --> 00:06:32,522 [laughs] 175 00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:34,350 It'’s like dating Jimmy Fallon. 176 00:06:34,437 --> 00:06:36,091 [laughs] 177 00:06:36,178 --> 00:06:37,701 I'’m making you crab cakes. 178 00:06:37,788 --> 00:06:39,137 What...? Really? I love crab cakes. 179 00:06:39,224 --> 00:06:40,791 I know. 180 00:06:40,878 --> 00:06:42,706 You told me the happiest summer you ever had 181 00:06:42,793 --> 00:06:44,447 was when your family rented that house in Maryland 182 00:06:44,534 --> 00:06:46,014 and your grandpa took you crabbing. 183 00:06:46,101 --> 00:06:48,146 I remember when we were there and he said, 184 00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:50,758 "You know, when you turn 18, I'’m gonna take you to Vegas 185 00:06:50,845 --> 00:06:54,370 and we'’ll get a different kind of crabs." 186 00:06:54,457 --> 00:06:55,589 Ah, yeah. 187 00:06:55,676 --> 00:06:57,068 Then he laughed. 188 00:06:57,155 --> 00:06:59,157 Oh, how Boompa loved his hookers. 189 00:07:00,942 --> 00:07:03,205 Hey, this is very nice, but maybe next time... 190 00:07:03,292 --> 00:07:05,294 Oh! I also have your favorite dessert. 191 00:07:05,381 --> 00:07:07,122 Did I tell you about Gam-Gam'’s apple pie? 192 00:07:12,214 --> 00:07:14,434 That'’s not Gam-Gam'’s pie. 193 00:07:16,914 --> 00:07:18,699 ♪ Men.♪ 194 00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:20,091 Hey. 195 00:07:20,178 --> 00:07:21,745 Oh, hey. Where you been? 196 00:07:21,832 --> 00:07:22,790 Apartment hunting. 197 00:07:22,877 --> 00:07:26,402 [gagging] 198 00:07:26,489 --> 00:07:28,360 Are you... Really? 199 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,362 Oh, my God, you do hear my prayers. 200 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,451 Don'’t get excited. 201 00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:32,452 It was for Lyndsey. 202 00:07:32,539 --> 00:07:34,236 Oh. Damn you. 203 00:07:34,323 --> 00:07:36,238 But get this: She asked me to move in with her. 204 00:07:36,325 --> 00:07:38,109 All right, you got me. 205 00:07:38,196 --> 00:07:39,284 There'’s no way I'’m doing it. 206 00:07:39,371 --> 00:07:41,504 Ah, you'’re dead to me! 207 00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:44,768 So, uh, how'’s it going with Ms. McCrazy? 208 00:07:44,855 --> 00:07:46,204 You know what? That'’ll be enough of that. 209 00:07:46,291 --> 00:07:47,641 Oh, sorry. 210 00:07:47,728 --> 00:07:48,903 [whispering]: She might be listening. 211 00:07:50,339 --> 00:07:52,036 No, I'’m just... 212 00:07:52,123 --> 00:07:55,083 Seriously, Ms. McMartin is a genuinely nice person. 213 00:07:55,170 --> 00:07:56,780 I just... 214 00:07:56,867 --> 00:07:58,869 I feel bad about, like, stringing her along. 215 00:07:58,956 --> 00:08:00,392 Yeah, but you can'’t break up with her. 216 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,611 It'’ll jeopardize the adoption. 217 00:08:01,698 --> 00:08:03,526 I know, but, like, lying to her 218 00:08:03,613 --> 00:08:06,442 just seems cowardly and selfish. 219 00:08:06,529 --> 00:08:07,965 Well, you know what they say. 220 00:08:08,052 --> 00:08:09,880 One man'’s cowardly and selfish 221 00:08:09,967 --> 00:08:11,621 is another man'’s approach to everything in life. 222 00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:12,970 No, you know what? 223 00:08:13,057 --> 00:08:14,581 She didn'’t take Louis away 224 00:08:14,668 --> 00:08:16,626 when she found out our marriage was fake. 225 00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:20,412 And she didn'’t take him away when you dumped her, so... 226 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,719 Like, she'’s gonna do the right thing. 227 00:08:22,806 --> 00:08:24,286 So am I. 228 00:08:24,373 --> 00:08:26,288 Good for you. 229 00:08:26,375 --> 00:08:28,116 You make me want to be a better man. 230 00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:31,685 Hey, uh, i-is Louis home? 231 00:08:31,772 --> 00:08:33,338 No, he'’s staying at a friend'’s house. 232 00:08:33,425 --> 00:08:35,776 Good. I can watch porn without headphones. 233 00:08:37,212 --> 00:08:38,343 Oh, I get it now. 234 00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:40,868 I'’m inhell. 235 00:08:40,955 --> 00:08:43,044 ♪ Men.♪ 236 00:08:43,131 --> 00:08:44,915 Come on, baby. 237 00:08:45,002 --> 00:08:47,265 Get off that laptop and get on top of this lap. 238 00:08:47,352 --> 00:08:48,832 [laughs] 239 00:08:48,919 --> 00:08:50,834 I'’m trying to find us a place to live. 240 00:08:50,921 --> 00:08:52,444 Oh! How about this one? 241 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,272 It'’s got a community hot tub. 242 00:08:54,359 --> 00:08:55,926 Yes, that'’s great. 243 00:08:56,013 --> 00:08:57,885 Uh, because when I'’m stuck in traffic, 244 00:08:57,972 --> 00:09:00,409 uh, and I look at the stranger in the next car 245 00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:02,672 and he'’s picking his nose, I'’m always thinking, 246 00:09:02,759 --> 00:09:04,979 "Boy, I'’d like to sit in stagnant water with that guy." 247 00:09:06,415 --> 00:09:09,418 Okay, no hot tub. 248 00:09:09,505 --> 00:09:11,507 Hey, how about a two-bedroom loft downtown? 249 00:09:11,594 --> 00:09:13,335 It'’s got a washer and dryer. 250 00:09:13,422 --> 00:09:15,380 And no green space for my herb garden. 251 00:09:15,467 --> 00:09:18,296 Do you even know me? [sighs] 252 00:09:18,383 --> 00:09:20,342 Okay. 253 00:09:20,429 --> 00:09:21,996 Describe your perfect place. 254 00:09:22,083 --> 00:09:26,522 Uh, it'’s a beautiful home, 255 00:09:26,609 --> 00:09:29,307 it'’s on the beach, 256 00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:30,744 it has a housekeeper 257 00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:32,397 and it'’s owned by a billionaire 258 00:09:32,484 --> 00:09:33,660 who doesn'’t monitor his change jar. 259 00:09:35,270 --> 00:09:37,011 You'’re just describing this house. 260 00:09:37,098 --> 00:09:38,490 Wow, you'’re right. 261 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,188 That worked out. Let'’s have sex. 262 00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:41,711 Alan... 263 00:09:41,798 --> 00:09:43,974 I'’ve made a lot of changes in my life 264 00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:46,368 and I was excited about starting all over with you, 265 00:09:46,455 --> 00:09:49,284 but I cannot go through this same pattern 266 00:09:49,371 --> 00:09:50,720 over and over again. 267 00:09:52,330 --> 00:09:54,506 You love this house more than you love me. 268 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,030 Oh, I'’m sorry. 269 00:09:56,117 --> 00:09:57,074 Was that a question? 270 00:09:57,161 --> 00:09:59,033 Good-bye, Alan. 271 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,470 Oh, come... This is so unfair. 272 00:10:01,557 --> 00:10:03,037 Until you went to rehab last month, 273 00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:05,256 you loved vodka more than me. 274 00:10:05,343 --> 00:10:06,780 And when I'’ve had too much house, 275 00:10:06,867 --> 00:10:08,564 I don'’t get naked in the Walmart. 276 00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:10,871 ♪ Men.♪ 277 00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:17,181 ♪ Men.♪ 278 00:10:17,268 --> 00:10:19,270 Oh, hey, uh, Berta. 279 00:10:19,357 --> 00:10:21,577 When Ms. McMartin gets here, can you give us some privacy? 280 00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:22,796 I gotta talk to her. 281 00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:24,580 Oh, God. 282 00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:27,191 When are you gonna stop proposing to all these women? 283 00:10:27,278 --> 00:10:29,324 Zoey, Kate... 284 00:10:29,411 --> 00:10:31,195 Alan.Uh... 285 00:10:31,282 --> 00:10:33,676 actually, I'’m gonna break up with her. 286 00:10:33,763 --> 00:10:37,332 If you want, I can pull together a breakup kit 287 00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:39,160 like I used to do for Charlie. 288 00:10:40,465 --> 00:10:42,206 It'’s a pint of Haäagen Dazs, 289 00:10:42,293 --> 00:10:43,860 a bottle of wine 290 00:10:43,947 --> 00:10:47,647 and the only copy of your sex tapes. 291 00:10:50,084 --> 00:10:51,955 [doorbell rings] 292 00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:56,438 Hey, Walden. 293 00:10:56,525 --> 00:10:58,222 Hey, Berta! 294 00:10:58,309 --> 00:11:00,050 What'’s your favorite flavor of ice cream? 295 00:11:00,137 --> 00:11:01,878 Why? 296 00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:03,184 No reason. 297 00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:07,014 Hey, thanks for coming. 298 00:11:07,101 --> 00:11:08,363 Why are you with me? 299 00:11:08,450 --> 00:11:10,626 Good, good. How are you? 300 00:11:10,713 --> 00:11:12,454 Are you with me because you'’re afraid 301 00:11:12,541 --> 00:11:14,935 if you break up with me, I'’ll screw up the adoption? 302 00:11:15,022 --> 00:11:17,764 What?! 303 00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:19,896 No! 304 00:11:19,983 --> 00:11:21,593 Come... I just, uh... 305 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,857 Berta, how we coming with that ice cream? 306 00:11:23,944 --> 00:11:25,685 Please be honest with me. 307 00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:28,035 Okay, to be honest... 308 00:11:28,122 --> 00:11:30,646 yeah, I did think that. 309 00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:32,387 But then I realized that you would never 310 00:11:32,474 --> 00:11:34,258 ever do something like that. 311 00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:35,433 I was doing that. 312 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,218 I knew it! 313 00:11:37,305 --> 00:11:39,220 This morning, I was going over your paperwork, 314 00:11:39,307 --> 00:11:41,396 and I literally considered postponing the final hearing 315 00:11:41,483 --> 00:11:43,441 because I was afraid, as soon as it happened, 316 00:11:43,528 --> 00:11:45,487 you would leave me. 317 00:11:45,574 --> 00:11:47,054 I would never do that to you. 318 00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:49,056 I was gonna break up with you right now. 319 00:11:49,143 --> 00:11:51,754 So, you agree. 320 00:11:51,841 --> 00:11:54,278 We shouldn'’t see each other anymore. 321 00:11:54,365 --> 00:11:55,323 Here. 322 00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:56,585 What'’s this? 323 00:11:56,672 --> 00:11:58,065 It'’s the final adoption forms. 324 00:11:58,152 --> 00:11:59,762 You have a court date tomorrow 325 00:11:59,849 --> 00:12:01,764 and everything'’s gonna sail through. 326 00:12:01,851 --> 00:12:03,592 Congratulations. Louis is yours. 327 00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:05,246 Oh, really? 328 00:12:06,682 --> 00:12:09,554 Oh... oh, my God, thank you. 329 00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:11,992 Ah, you know this is a 330 00:12:12,079 --> 00:12:13,820 "thank you for being a great social worker" hug, 331 00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:15,430 not a "I want you back" hug. 332 00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:17,214 Yeah, I know. 333 00:12:17,301 --> 00:12:19,303 And don'’t worry, I'’m not gonna go all crazy 334 00:12:19,390 --> 00:12:20,957 and freak out on you. 335 00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:22,437 Come on, I know that. 336 00:12:22,524 --> 00:12:23,830 I froze your sperm. 337 00:12:27,659 --> 00:12:29,574 ♪ Men.♪ 338 00:12:29,661 --> 00:12:31,751 Okay, buddy, here we go. This is the first time 339 00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:33,709 we'’re walking into this house as an official family. 340 00:12:33,796 --> 00:12:34,928 Cool. 341 00:12:35,015 --> 00:12:37,495 Walden Schmidt, Louis Schmidt 342 00:12:37,582 --> 00:12:40,760 and a big pile of Schmidt. 343 00:12:42,196 --> 00:12:43,806 Ah! 344 00:12:43,893 --> 00:12:45,590 Hey, you know, now that you'’re my son, 345 00:12:45,677 --> 00:12:47,505 someday all of this is gonna be yours. 346 00:12:47,592 --> 00:12:49,812 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let'’s not get ahead of ourselves. 347 00:12:49,899 --> 00:12:51,858 So, what should we do to celebrate 348 00:12:51,945 --> 00:12:53,642 this special family day? 349 00:12:53,729 --> 00:12:55,731 I'’m going to play Legos in my room! 350 00:12:55,818 --> 00:12:57,515 Oh, oh, uh, you mean, 351 00:12:57,602 --> 00:13:00,170 "I'’m going to play Legos in my room, Dad." 352 00:13:00,257 --> 00:13:02,042 I'’m going home to get high. 353 00:13:02,129 --> 00:13:04,784 I mean, I'’m going home to get high... 354 00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:06,394 Dad. 355 00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:10,659 Seriously, I'’m happy for you. 356 00:13:10,746 --> 00:13:13,880 And I want you to know I'’m, I'’m here whenever you need me. 357 00:13:13,967 --> 00:13:15,272 Alan, you'’re not getting the house. 358 00:13:15,359 --> 00:13:16,752 Damn it! 359 00:13:16,839 --> 00:13:18,536 This is weird. 360 00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:20,147 Feel like I should be doing something dad-like. 361 00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:22,889 Like drinking beers outside. 362 00:13:22,976 --> 00:13:24,455 Or grilling something. 363 00:13:24,542 --> 00:13:25,630 You know, something manly. 364 00:13:25,717 --> 00:13:26,631 Oh, perfect! 365 00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:28,111 Uh, I have a nice, thick 366 00:13:28,198 --> 00:13:29,243 Portobello mushroom you can grill. 367 00:13:29,330 --> 00:13:31,245 I said "something manly." 368 00:13:31,332 --> 00:13:32,681 Well, if you close your eyes, you'’ll swear you have 369 00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:33,943 a piece of meat in your mouth. 370 00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:37,077 I'’m never closing my eyes again. 371 00:13:37,164 --> 00:13:38,556 Just give me a beer. 372 00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:40,776 So, uh, how'’s it going with Ms. McMartin? 373 00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:42,952 She seemed a little standoffish at the courthouse. 374 00:13:43,039 --> 00:13:44,084 You know, I think she was just trying 375 00:13:44,171 --> 00:13:45,737 to keep things professional. 376 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:46,869 There'’s nothing going on between us anymore. 377 00:13:46,956 --> 00:13:48,436 Guess it doesn'’t matter. 378 00:13:48,523 --> 00:13:50,351 We always knew it would end up like this. 379 00:13:50,438 --> 00:13:51,569 Just you and me. 380 00:13:51,656 --> 00:13:53,136 Couple of cool bros, 381 00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:54,834 couple of chilled brews... 382 00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:56,487 and a couple of grilled '’bellos. 383 00:13:56,574 --> 00:14:00,448 Stop trying to shove your mushrooms down my throat! 384 00:14:00,535 --> 00:14:02,711 My point is we don'’t need anything else to be happy. 385 00:14:02,798 --> 00:14:04,844 [grunts] Or anyone. 386 00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:06,149 Right, right! 387 00:14:06,236 --> 00:14:07,934 Let Lyndsey move to San Francisco. 388 00:14:08,021 --> 00:14:09,892 There'’s no way I'’m giving up all this for her! 389 00:14:09,979 --> 00:14:11,328 I mean, look at this house! 390 00:14:11,415 --> 00:14:14,984 Look at the ocean and the view! 391 00:14:15,071 --> 00:14:16,725 That'’s why you broke up? 392 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,380 You had a choice between Lyndsey 393 00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:20,772 and this house, 394 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,557 and you chose this house? 395 00:14:22,644 --> 00:14:24,776 Yep. 396 00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:27,867 Okay, you gave up a relationship with a woman who knows 397 00:14:27,954 --> 00:14:32,045 everything about you and still wants to be with you 398 00:14:32,132 --> 00:14:34,482 because you didn'’t want to leave this house? 399 00:14:34,569 --> 00:14:36,440 Yep. 400 00:14:36,527 --> 00:14:38,399 Okay, as I'’m saying this out loud, 401 00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:40,575 you are realizing what a moron you are, aren'’t you? 402 00:14:40,662 --> 00:14:42,185 Yep. 403 00:14:42,272 --> 00:14:44,753 But-but I'’m not the only one. 404 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,277 Ms. McMartin is perfect for you. 405 00:14:47,364 --> 00:14:49,323 Come on, you'’re the one who said she was crazy. 406 00:14:49,410 --> 00:14:52,065 Yes, yes, but when you really look at it, what has she done? 407 00:14:52,152 --> 00:14:54,241 I mean, she fell in love too quickly... like you. 408 00:14:54,328 --> 00:14:55,982 She only wants what'’s best for Louis... 409 00:14:56,069 --> 00:14:57,461 like you. 410 00:14:57,548 --> 00:14:59,724 She'’s inexplicably drawn to me... 411 00:14:59,811 --> 00:15:01,596 like you. 412 00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:05,078 She did surprise me by cooking my favorite meal naked. 413 00:15:06,122 --> 00:15:07,689 Sadly, like you. 414 00:15:07,776 --> 00:15:09,821 I mean, at least I-I traded Lyndsey for a house. 415 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,345 What did you trade Ms. McMartin for? 416 00:15:11,432 --> 00:15:12,433 Nothing. 417 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:13,651 It'’s worse! 418 00:15:13,738 --> 00:15:15,784 I traded her for you! 419 00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:19,092 Oh, my God! We'’re idiots! 420 00:15:19,179 --> 00:15:20,702 I know. We'’re gonna die alone! 421 00:15:20,789 --> 00:15:23,139 Worse! We'’re gonna die with each other! 422 00:15:23,226 --> 00:15:24,445 Go to Ms. McMartin! 423 00:15:24,532 --> 00:15:25,750 I will! Go to Lyndsey! 424 00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:27,187 I will! I love you! 425 00:15:27,274 --> 00:15:28,884 Oh, not the right time.Knew that. 426 00:15:32,409 --> 00:15:34,150 ♪ Men.♪ 427 00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:39,068 There you are. 428 00:15:39,155 --> 00:15:40,113 [screams][grunting] 429 00:15:44,378 --> 00:15:45,683 Walden? 430 00:15:45,770 --> 00:15:46,989 Surprise. 431 00:15:47,076 --> 00:15:48,251 Oh, I'’m so sorry! 432 00:15:48,338 --> 00:15:49,774 I thought you were an intruder. 433 00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:51,994 But how did you get in my apartment? 434 00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:54,518 Well, I was gonna, um... 435 00:15:54,605 --> 00:15:56,129 rent the vacant apartment above you, 436 00:15:56,216 --> 00:15:58,392 and then rappel down the building 437 00:15:58,479 --> 00:16:00,960 and smash through the window, like Bruce Willis in Die Hard. 438 00:16:01,047 --> 00:16:02,918 But then I just looked under your mat, 439 00:16:03,005 --> 00:16:04,354 and I found your spare key. 440 00:16:04,441 --> 00:16:06,704 Oh! That'’s for my cat psychic. 441 00:16:06,791 --> 00:16:07,662 Wha...? Your what? 442 00:16:07,749 --> 00:16:09,359 What do you want? 443 00:16:09,446 --> 00:16:11,013 I-I remembered that your favorite meal was 444 00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:13,711 pan-seared salmon with orange miso glaze. 445 00:16:13,798 --> 00:16:15,191 Oh, my God, you made that for me? 446 00:16:15,278 --> 00:16:16,714 No. Uh, I made... 447 00:16:16,801 --> 00:16:18,194 uh, grilled cheese since it'’s 448 00:16:18,281 --> 00:16:20,544 the only thing I know how to make. 449 00:16:20,631 --> 00:16:22,894 But the important thing is I remembered. 450 00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,809 Well, that'’s very sweet. 451 00:16:24,896 --> 00:16:26,768 But... why? 452 00:16:26,855 --> 00:16:29,075 I wanted to give us another chance. 453 00:16:29,162 --> 00:16:31,903 Oh... oh, I don'’t know, Walden... 454 00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:35,559 B-Before you say anything else, just... listen to this. 455 00:16:35,646 --> 00:16:37,605 ♪ When a man 456 00:16:37,692 --> 00:16:40,129 ♪ Loves a social worker. 457 00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:44,264 ♪ Men.♪ 458 00:16:44,351 --> 00:16:47,136 Hi. Uh, my girlfriend is about to leave for San Francisco, 459 00:16:47,223 --> 00:16:50,096 and I need a ticket on the 7:35 flight. 460 00:16:50,183 --> 00:16:52,054 Unfortunately, there'’s only one seat left, 461 00:16:52,141 --> 00:16:53,925 and that'’s in first class. 462 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,536 Oh, how much is it?$1,100. 463 00:16:55,623 --> 00:16:58,104 Oh, go to hell! 464 00:16:58,191 --> 00:17:00,280 I'’m sorry, that was not, uh, directed at you. 465 00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:02,804 Uh, you know what, uh, uh, Karen? 466 00:17:02,891 --> 00:17:05,067 Uh, is it possible that someone 467 00:17:05,154 --> 00:17:07,330 who already has a coach seat 468 00:17:07,417 --> 00:17:10,203 could be bumped for some reason? 469 00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:11,552 Or... 470 00:17:11,639 --> 00:17:14,424 say, if I give you... 471 00:17:14,511 --> 00:17:15,860 ten reasons? 472 00:17:17,384 --> 00:17:20,865 And you give me five reasons back? 473 00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:24,391 Sir, I cannot accept a bribe. 474 00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:27,089 And I certainly cannot give you change for a bribe. 475 00:17:27,176 --> 00:17:29,352 You don'’t understand how important it is 476 00:17:29,439 --> 00:17:31,659 for me to get this ticket! 477 00:17:31,746 --> 00:17:34,357 I will do anything. 478 00:17:34,444 --> 00:17:35,924 Anything. 479 00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:39,101 Perhaps Karen wants 480 00:17:39,188 --> 00:17:41,277 to get her groove back? 481 00:17:41,364 --> 00:17:43,758 There is one thing you can do. 482 00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:44,846 Name it. 483 00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:47,283 You can give me $1,100. 484 00:17:47,370 --> 00:17:49,329 I just... I just need to get to that gate 485 00:17:49,416 --> 00:17:50,895 before my girlfriend boards that plane. 486 00:17:50,982 --> 00:17:52,984 I-I need to tell her that-that I-I love her 487 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,639 and I was wrong and I want to spend my life with her. 488 00:17:55,726 --> 00:17:57,511 I'’m sorry, you should'’ve mentioned that before. 489 00:17:57,598 --> 00:18:01,471 We have a special fare for big romantic gestures. 490 00:18:01,558 --> 00:18:04,605 And it'’s $1,100. 491 00:18:05,736 --> 00:18:07,042 Fine. 492 00:18:07,129 --> 00:18:09,044 I'’ll go. 493 00:18:11,612 --> 00:18:13,527 Karen: 1,100. 494 00:18:13,614 --> 00:18:16,225 Love: zero. 495 00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:21,883 ♪ When a man loves a woman 496 00:18:21,970 --> 00:18:23,363 ♪ He can'’t keep his mind... ♪ 497 00:18:23,450 --> 00:18:25,365 I also remembered how you love Michael Bolton. 498 00:18:25,452 --> 00:18:27,367 [laughs] 499 00:18:27,454 --> 00:18:30,979 Michael Bublé. 500 00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:33,155 Oh. 501 00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:34,374 ♪ If she'’s bad, he can'’t... ♪ 502 00:18:34,461 --> 00:18:35,375 Bolton. 503 00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:37,986 You know any Bublé? 504 00:18:38,073 --> 00:18:40,162 God, no. 505 00:18:40,249 --> 00:18:41,598 Okay, we'’re done here. 506 00:18:42,730 --> 00:18:43,948 What are you looking at? 507 00:18:44,035 --> 00:18:45,080 Get the hell out of here, Bolton! 508 00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,647 Fine. 509 00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:47,865 I gave up singing the national anthem 510 00:18:47,952 --> 00:18:49,128 at the Lakers game for this. 511 00:18:52,348 --> 00:18:54,568 ♪ When a man loves 512 00:18:54,655 --> 00:18:57,310 ♪ Grilled cheese sandwiches. 513 00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:59,529 [door closes] 514 00:18:59,616 --> 00:19:02,532 So, what do you say? 515 00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:04,534 Will you give us another chance? 516 00:19:04,621 --> 00:19:07,885 Walden, this is kind of the man-woman playbook. 517 00:19:07,972 --> 00:19:10,453 I dumped you, and now you want to be with me 518 00:19:10,540 --> 00:19:12,673 because you want what you can'’t have. 519 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,675 Oh, God, you'’re so smart. Let'’s make out. 520 00:19:14,762 --> 00:19:15,632 I'’m serious. 521 00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:17,330 Well, so am I! 522 00:19:17,417 --> 00:19:19,027 Come on, you'’re kind and you'’re generous. 523 00:19:19,114 --> 00:19:21,334 And it... and it'’s cute how you turn on the water 524 00:19:21,421 --> 00:19:24,163 in the bathroom so you think I can'’t hear you peeing. 525 00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:25,468 Plus, we'’re good in bed together. 526 00:19:25,555 --> 00:19:27,340 True. 527 00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:28,906 Although, after Alan, anyone was gonna look good. 528 00:19:28,993 --> 00:19:31,170 Okay, I will give you, like, a billion dollars 529 00:19:31,257 --> 00:19:33,607 if you never bring that up again. 530 00:19:33,694 --> 00:19:35,261 Look, you don'’t have to give me money 531 00:19:35,348 --> 00:19:37,045 when you want me to do something-- just ask. 532 00:19:37,132 --> 00:19:40,048 Why can'’t you be my husband? 533 00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:48,578 I have to admit, it would be kind of nice 534 00:19:48,665 --> 00:19:50,537 to have Bolton singing right now.Oh. 535 00:19:50,624 --> 00:19:54,932 ♪ When a man loves a woman... 536 00:19:55,019 --> 00:19:56,630 ♪ Men.♪ 537 00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:02,201 ♪ Men.♪ 538 00:20:03,724 --> 00:20:05,291 Boarding pass?Oh! 539 00:20:05,378 --> 00:20:07,162 Here you go, good sir. 540 00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:09,425 This is a Chinese takeout menu. 541 00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:12,036 Okay, okay, um, I do not have, 542 00:20:12,123 --> 00:20:13,473 uh, a boarding pass. 543 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,692 But if you will let me go to that gate, 544 00:20:15,779 --> 00:20:18,217 I'’ll do anything. 545 00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:21,045 Anything. 546 00:20:21,132 --> 00:20:23,352 You can'’t go to the gate without a boarding pass. 547 00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:25,354 Have you ever been in love, sir? 548 00:20:25,441 --> 00:20:27,008 Yes. With America. 549 00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:29,358 Who I'’m here to protect. 550 00:20:29,445 --> 00:20:31,839 That'’s why nobody gets through without a boarding pass. 551 00:20:31,926 --> 00:20:33,493 Someone left a bag unattended! 552 00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:35,103 Lyndsey! 553 00:20:35,190 --> 00:20:36,322 We'’ve got a runner! 554 00:20:36,409 --> 00:20:37,801 Lyndsey! Lyndsey! 555 00:20:37,888 --> 00:20:38,846 Alan? 556 00:20:38,933 --> 00:20:40,151 Lyndsey! [stuttering] 557 00:20:42,502 --> 00:20:45,896 I-I-I-I-I love-love-love-love- love-love you-you-you-you-you! 558 00:20:45,983 --> 00:20:47,463 I'’m-I'’m-I'’m-I'’m-I'’m-I'’m p-p-p-p-peeing!