1 00:00:02,698 --> 00:00:04,482 ♪ Men.♪Okay, here it is. 2 00:00:04,569 --> 00:00:06,310 This is Louis'’s first science fair project. 3 00:00:06,397 --> 00:00:07,311 You'’re gonna love it. 4 00:00:07,398 --> 00:00:08,486 Wow. 5 00:00:08,573 --> 00:00:10,097 Louis made this all by himself. 6 00:00:10,184 --> 00:00:12,055 Last time I was here, 7 00:00:12,142 --> 00:00:14,623 he got the straw from his juice box stuck in his nose. 8 00:00:14,710 --> 00:00:17,017 He also got it unstuck. 9 00:00:18,192 --> 00:00:19,845 Uh, check it out. 10 00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:22,283 So, uh, so we'’ll take a piece of bread, all right? 11 00:00:22,370 --> 00:00:24,502 Put it in the mouth, 12 00:00:24,589 --> 00:00:26,461 where the saliva will start to dissolve the bread. 13 00:00:26,548 --> 00:00:28,158 And then it'’ll travel down to the stomach, 14 00:00:28,245 --> 00:00:32,162 where the acids will break down the complex carbohydrates. 15 00:00:32,249 --> 00:00:34,469 At which point it will move past the appendix, 16 00:00:34,556 --> 00:00:36,819 which does nothing. 17 00:00:36,906 --> 00:00:38,864 Yeah, we should rename that the Alan. 18 00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:41,650 Uh, and then it'’ll go to the small intestines, 19 00:00:41,737 --> 00:00:43,260 the large intestines, where finally... 20 00:00:43,347 --> 00:00:44,348 [imitates flatulence] 21 00:00:47,743 --> 00:00:49,353 Oh, dear God. 22 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:50,963 Uh, no, it'’s okay, it'’s a Hershey'’s Kiss. 23 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,574 Okay. 24 00:00:52,661 --> 00:00:55,620 So the reason I came over is to tell you-- 25 00:00:55,707 --> 00:00:57,274 we are ready to start the final steps 26 00:00:57,361 --> 00:00:59,233 for you to officially adopt Louis. 27 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:02,540 Oh, my God, I'’m gonna Hershey'’s Kiss my pants. 28 00:01:02,627 --> 00:01:05,326 But before the adoption is final, 29 00:01:05,413 --> 00:01:07,719 I want you to tell Louis you two aren'’t gay. 30 00:01:07,806 --> 00:01:10,070 Are you sure that this is the best time to do that? 31 00:01:10,157 --> 00:01:11,375 I mean, I haven'’t even talked to him 32 00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:12,724 about the birds and the bees, 33 00:01:12,811 --> 00:01:14,552 let alone the bees and the bees. 34 00:01:14,639 --> 00:01:16,902 I know there is never a perfect time 35 00:01:16,989 --> 00:01:19,601 to tell your son his two dads aren'’t gay... 36 00:01:21,603 --> 00:01:23,909 ...but it'’ll be more harmful the longer you wait. 37 00:01:23,996 --> 00:01:25,911 Yeah, but it'’s just, like, h-how do I tell him? 38 00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:28,218 Um, does Hallmark make a "Sorry, son, 39 00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:30,220 it turns out I'’m straight" card? 40 00:01:30,307 --> 00:01:32,048 You'’ve been a fantastic father so far. 41 00:01:32,135 --> 00:01:33,528 I am confident you will handle this 42 00:01:33,615 --> 00:01:34,833 with the utmost attention and care. 43 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:35,878 ALAN: Walden? 44 00:01:35,965 --> 00:01:37,880 Him I'’m worried about. 45 00:01:37,967 --> 00:01:39,055 Sorry I'’m late. 46 00:01:39,142 --> 00:01:40,404 Uh, I took Louis to the mall 47 00:01:40,491 --> 00:01:41,753 to get him some new school clothes. 48 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,494 He'’s trying them on right now. 49 00:01:43,581 --> 00:01:46,149 Plus there was a new kiosk that will bedazzle anything. 50 00:01:46,236 --> 00:01:48,108 Got an iPhone case for my boo. 51 00:01:50,022 --> 00:01:52,024 Now, I'’m gonna bedazzle your cheek with some sugar. 52 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,852 [chuckles dryly] 53 00:01:53,939 --> 00:01:57,378 Alan, as your social worker, I cannot accept gifts. 54 00:01:57,465 --> 00:01:59,162 And as your "boo," hell no. 55 00:02:00,903 --> 00:02:02,818 I can'’t believe I'’m just realizing this, 56 00:02:02,905 --> 00:02:05,125 but the perfect person to date a social worker 57 00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:06,778 is a needy child. 58 00:02:06,865 --> 00:02:09,259 We were just discussing that it would be 59 00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:10,913 in the best interest of Louis to tell him 60 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,610 you two aren'’t actually gay. 61 00:02:12,697 --> 00:02:14,656 Oh, I agree 100 percent. 62 00:02:14,743 --> 00:02:16,919 I mean, it'’s not like anyone was buying either one of us 63 00:02:17,006 --> 00:02:18,616 as a gay man anyway. 64 00:02:18,703 --> 00:02:21,184 Ooh, that top is fierce, girl. Rawr. 65 00:02:23,012 --> 00:02:25,232 Louis, could you come in here for a second? 66 00:02:25,319 --> 00:02:27,190 Oh, oh, we'’re doing it right now? 67 00:02:27,277 --> 00:02:30,411 [sighs] It will be such a relief to discontinue this charade. 68 00:02:35,807 --> 00:02:37,635 What are you wearing? 69 00:02:37,722 --> 00:02:41,770 Alan says between business casual and country club chic. 70 00:02:41,857 --> 00:02:42,945 Now turn around. 71 00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:48,864 He'’s "bedazzle-ous." 72 00:02:50,344 --> 00:02:51,997 Okay, should we tell him now? 73 00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:54,086 I don'’t think he'’s gonna believe us. 74 00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:58,961 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 75 00:02:59,048 --> 00:03:01,572 ♪ Ah. ♪ Men. ♪ Men. 76 00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:07,187 ♪ Men.♪ 77 00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:08,797 Oh, hey, Berta. 78 00:03:08,884 --> 00:03:10,799 I talked to Louis. 79 00:03:10,886 --> 00:03:12,714 He said you guys told him you'’re not gay. 80 00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:14,411 [door bell rings] 81 00:03:14,498 --> 00:03:16,370 Yeah, we didn'’t want to lie to him anymore. 82 00:03:16,457 --> 00:03:18,328 So now you'’re just lying to yourself. 83 00:03:24,247 --> 00:03:26,815 Lyndsey? 84 00:03:26,902 --> 00:03:29,557 Hi, Alan. Can we talk?Sure, come on in. 85 00:03:29,644 --> 00:03:31,602 Uh, can I give you a hand with your box? 86 00:03:31,689 --> 00:03:34,170 Boy, I haven'’t said that to you in a while. 87 00:03:34,257 --> 00:03:36,433 I'’ll say to you now what I said to you then. 88 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,087 It'’s easier if I just do it myself. 89 00:03:38,174 --> 00:03:40,394 I was cleaning out my house, 90 00:03:40,481 --> 00:03:42,091 and I found some of your old things. 91 00:03:42,178 --> 00:03:44,093 Oh, look at this stuff. 92 00:03:44,180 --> 00:03:46,269 Oh, here'’s a picture from our Caribbean vacation. 93 00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:48,750 Oh, remember how I got stung by that jellyfish? 94 00:03:48,837 --> 00:03:52,710 Of course I do-- you made me pee on you to neutralize the pain. 95 00:03:52,797 --> 00:03:55,060 Seems like you got stung a lot on that vacation. 96 00:03:56,192 --> 00:03:57,106 Did I? 97 00:03:57,193 --> 00:03:58,150 Wow! 98 00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,195 Oh, look. 99 00:03:59,282 --> 00:04:00,979 Wow, my old boom box. 100 00:04:01,066 --> 00:04:04,113 Oh, and it still has that mix CD I made for us. 101 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,942 "Now That'’s What I Call Nasty, Volume 69." 102 00:04:07,029 --> 00:04:08,422 ♪ A little bit of Mary 103 00:04:08,509 --> 00:04:10,119 Ah!♪ All night long 104 00:04:10,206 --> 00:04:12,121 ♪ A little bit of Jessica, here I am ♪ 105 00:04:12,208 --> 00:04:14,079 ♪ A little bit of you makes me your man... ♪ 106 00:04:14,166 --> 00:04:15,429 "Mambo No. 5." 107 00:04:15,516 --> 00:04:17,126 [turns off music] 108 00:04:17,213 --> 00:04:19,302 How did I ever let you make love to me 109 00:04:19,389 --> 00:04:20,956 while you sang other women'’s names? 110 00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:24,133 Be fair, you used to scream other guys'’ names. 111 00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:26,831 Anyway, I didn'’t come by just to bring you your stuff. 112 00:04:26,918 --> 00:04:30,792 I also wanted to tell you that I'’ve decided to move away. 113 00:04:30,879 --> 00:04:32,489 Get a fresh start. 114 00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:34,970 What? Uh, wh-where'’s this coming from? 115 00:04:35,057 --> 00:04:37,277 I'’ve been thinking about it for a while, 116 00:04:37,364 --> 00:04:39,322 and there'’s nothing for me here. 117 00:04:39,409 --> 00:04:40,976 I mean, most of my memories involve a time 118 00:04:41,063 --> 00:04:42,717 when I was drinking really heavily, 119 00:04:42,804 --> 00:04:44,153 and those aren'’t pretty. 120 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,155 I mean, the bar by my house has a drink 121 00:04:46,242 --> 00:04:47,635 called "The Lyndsey Special." 122 00:04:47,722 --> 00:04:49,506 It'’s a bottle of Merlot, a shot of vodka 123 00:04:49,593 --> 00:04:52,466 and a scrunchie to hold your hair back while you throw up. 124 00:04:52,553 --> 00:04:54,598 So where do you think you'’re gonna go? 125 00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:56,948 Well, I have family in Arizona, so... 126 00:04:57,035 --> 00:04:59,124 not there. 127 00:04:59,211 --> 00:05:01,388 Ah, you know, I just, I can'’t believe it. 128 00:05:01,475 --> 00:05:03,825 I mean, well, I hope you don'’t forget about me completely. 129 00:05:03,912 --> 00:05:06,001 You'’re a hard person to forget, Alan Harper. 130 00:05:06,088 --> 00:05:07,219 I'’ve tried. 131 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,743 Hence, "The Lyndsey Special." 132 00:05:08,830 --> 00:05:10,135 Mm. 133 00:05:10,222 --> 00:05:12,137 Anyway, I just wanted to let you know. 134 00:05:12,224 --> 00:05:13,965 This is gonna be so strange. 135 00:05:14,052 --> 00:05:15,445 I mean, even when we weren'’t together, 136 00:05:15,532 --> 00:05:17,273 it was nice knowing you were nearby. 137 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:18,622 Ah, I know what you mean. 138 00:05:18,709 --> 00:05:20,624 Well, this is it. 139 00:05:20,711 --> 00:05:21,669 Good-bye, Alan. 140 00:05:21,756 --> 00:05:22,974 Good-bye, Lyndsey. 141 00:05:23,061 --> 00:05:25,194 [both chuckle] 142 00:05:25,281 --> 00:05:27,936 Are we really not gonna talk about the 20 bucks you owe me? 143 00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:31,722 I am really gonna miss you. 144 00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:33,333 I'’ll miss you, too. 145 00:05:40,252 --> 00:05:41,515 Let'’s go to your room. 146 00:05:41,602 --> 00:05:42,864 Okay, great. 147 00:05:42,951 --> 00:05:44,735 Ow! What'’s wrong? 148 00:05:44,822 --> 00:05:46,998 I just got stung by a jellyfish earlier, that'’s all. 149 00:05:47,085 --> 00:05:49,044 ♪ Men.♪ 150 00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:51,046 ♪ ...Jessica, here I am 151 00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:53,701 ♪ A little bit of you makes me your... ♪ 152 00:05:53,788 --> 00:05:56,051 Yeah, still got it. 153 00:05:56,138 --> 00:05:58,880 Sex is very different when you'’re sober. 154 00:05:58,967 --> 00:06:00,925 Now I really know how long two minutes is. 155 00:06:01,012 --> 00:06:02,710 It was a special occasion. 156 00:06:02,797 --> 00:06:04,189 I wanted to give you a little something extra. 157 00:06:04,276 --> 00:06:06,235 Well, thank you. 158 00:06:06,322 --> 00:06:08,237 This puts a nice cap on our relationship. 159 00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:11,066 Wait. 160 00:06:11,153 --> 00:06:13,416 I can'’t have this be the last time we make love. 161 00:06:13,503 --> 00:06:15,897 The last time I put on your panties. 162 00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:18,247 The last time you say, "No, not there," 163 00:06:18,334 --> 00:06:20,510 and I pretend I was just confused. 164 00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:22,077 Look, I'’m not saying I won'’t miss you, 165 00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:23,513 but the fact is you'’re married. 166 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:24,775 You'’re about to adopt a child. 167 00:06:24,862 --> 00:06:26,386 That'’s my point. 168 00:06:26,473 --> 00:06:28,257 The adoption is almost final, and when it is, 169 00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:30,259 Walden and I will get a divorce. 170 00:06:30,346 --> 00:06:33,393 And I misspelled my name on the prenup. 171 00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:37,005 We'’ll live like kings. 172 00:06:37,092 --> 00:06:39,007 Are you really asking me to stay? 173 00:06:39,094 --> 00:06:42,010 Yes, I mean, we'’ve shared so much over the years. 174 00:06:42,097 --> 00:06:43,664 We can'’t just throw it away like a... 175 00:06:43,751 --> 00:06:45,709 a long-running hit television show 176 00:06:45,796 --> 00:06:47,798 that still pulls in a pretty decent audience. 177 00:06:49,974 --> 00:06:51,889 I suppose it is something to think about. 178 00:06:51,976 --> 00:06:53,935 I mean, for the first time in a long time, 179 00:06:54,022 --> 00:06:55,937 neither one of us is seeing anybody else. 180 00:06:56,024 --> 00:06:58,505 Hey, do you need a bedazzled iPhone case? 181 00:06:58,592 --> 00:07:01,377 Wait, are you seeing someone? 182 00:07:01,464 --> 00:07:03,988 [scoffs] Yeah, yeah, Alan Harper has two girlfriends. 183 00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:05,033 [chuckles] 184 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:06,208 What else do I have? 185 00:07:06,295 --> 00:07:07,514 Good credit? Health insurance? 186 00:07:07,601 --> 00:07:08,558 A job? 187 00:07:10,952 --> 00:07:12,214 This is a lot to think about. 188 00:07:12,301 --> 00:07:13,824 I'’m gonna need some time. 189 00:07:13,911 --> 00:07:15,173 Of course, take all the time you need. 190 00:07:15,260 --> 00:07:17,045 Okay. 191 00:07:17,132 --> 00:07:18,525 Look, I really do need to go. 192 00:07:18,612 --> 00:07:20,178 And I really do need my panties back. 193 00:07:20,265 --> 00:07:21,179 Oh. 194 00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:22,833 ♪ Men.♪ 195 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:24,008 LYNDSEY: Hey, Walden. 196 00:07:25,096 --> 00:07:26,576 Lyndsey? 197 00:07:26,663 --> 00:07:28,622 Uh, are you coming out of Alan'’s room? 198 00:07:28,709 --> 00:07:29,710 Uh-huh. 199 00:07:29,797 --> 00:07:31,189 You drinking again? 200 00:07:31,276 --> 00:07:32,800 Do I need to take you to a meeting? 201 00:07:32,887 --> 00:07:34,845 No, still sober. 202 00:07:34,932 --> 00:07:37,805 But I should apologize for sleeping with your husband. 203 00:07:37,892 --> 00:07:39,459 Not the first time I'’ve said that. 204 00:07:39,546 --> 00:07:40,590 See ya. 205 00:07:40,677 --> 00:07:42,331 So, okay. [mumbles] 206 00:07:42,418 --> 00:07:43,637 Alan! 207 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,553 Yeah? 208 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,598 Are you having sex with Lyndsey 209 00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:50,948 while you'’re sleeping with our social worker? 210 00:07:51,035 --> 00:07:54,561 Yeah, my pimp hand is strong. 211 00:07:54,648 --> 00:07:56,780 No, it'’s not! 212 00:07:56,867 --> 00:07:58,608 Look, look, this thing with Lyndsey just happened. 213 00:07:58,695 --> 00:08:01,002 A-And, honestly, I-I'’m glad it did. 214 00:08:01,089 --> 00:08:03,178 I-I really want her to give us another shot. 215 00:08:03,265 --> 00:08:04,614 What about Ms. McMartin?! 216 00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:06,311 Oh, we'’re not that serious. 217 00:08:06,398 --> 00:08:08,531 Plus, she doesn'’t get me like Lyndsey gets me. 218 00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:10,402 When I try to put Ms. McMartin'’s panties on, 219 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,492 she looks at me like I'’m some kind of weirdo. 220 00:08:12,579 --> 00:08:15,190 Kind of like how I'’m looking at you right now?! 221 00:08:15,277 --> 00:08:16,800 Look, I'’m gonna see Ms. McMartin tonight, 222 00:08:16,887 --> 00:08:18,672 and I-I'’ll tell her it'’s over. 223 00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,674 She'’s gonna be upset-- nobody likes getting dumped. 224 00:08:20,761 --> 00:08:22,197 Oh, she'’ll be fine. 225 00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:23,851 I mean, you'’ve seen how she looks at me. 226 00:08:23,938 --> 00:08:24,852 That'’s not love. 227 00:08:24,939 --> 00:08:26,375 That'’s not even like. 228 00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:28,029 That'’s-- if we run into anyone I know, 229 00:08:28,116 --> 00:08:29,247 I'’m pretending that you'’re my slow brother. 230 00:08:29,334 --> 00:08:31,032 Alan? Mm-hmm. 231 00:08:31,119 --> 00:08:34,470 I want you to get your penis out of my business. 232 00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:37,299 Change "business" to "turkey," 233 00:08:37,386 --> 00:08:38,996 uh, and it'’s the story 234 00:08:39,083 --> 00:08:41,390 of how a 13-year-old boy named Alan ruined Thanksgiving. 235 00:08:43,871 --> 00:08:46,047 ♪ Men.♪ 236 00:08:46,134 --> 00:08:47,657 What looks good? 237 00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:49,354 And don'’t say my boobs. 238 00:08:49,441 --> 00:08:50,355 Cute. 239 00:08:50,442 --> 00:08:51,356 Funny. 240 00:08:51,443 --> 00:08:53,358 Boobs. 241 00:08:53,445 --> 00:08:54,969 Um, can we talk? 242 00:08:55,056 --> 00:08:56,057 What'’s wrong? 243 00:08:56,144 --> 00:08:57,275 Is it the restaurant? 244 00:08:57,362 --> 00:08:58,450 It'’s not too pricy, is it? 245 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,148 It only had one dollar sign on Yelp. 246 00:09:00,235 --> 00:09:01,802 N-N-No, it'’s not that. 247 00:09:01,889 --> 00:09:04,500 Um, although, $14 for tilapia? 248 00:09:04,587 --> 00:09:06,546 Sounds to me like a beer-battered rip-off. 249 00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:07,851 Then what'’s going on? 250 00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:10,201 Here'’s the thing. 251 00:09:10,288 --> 00:09:11,725 I really like you, it'’s just that... 252 00:09:11,812 --> 00:09:14,292 Oh, my God, are you breaking up with me? 253 00:09:14,379 --> 00:09:15,642 Wow, Band-Aid off. 254 00:09:15,729 --> 00:09:16,686 Seriously? 255 00:09:16,773 --> 00:09:17,731 You? 256 00:09:17,818 --> 00:09:18,775 Breaking up with me? 257 00:09:18,862 --> 00:09:19,863 That? 258 00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:21,473 Breaking up with this? 259 00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,084 Hey, hey, there'’s no need to point. 260 00:09:23,171 --> 00:09:24,781 I mean, we both could be in better shape. 261 00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:26,478 Oh, there is only one person at this table wearing Spanx, 262 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,263 and it is not me. 263 00:09:28,350 --> 00:09:29,873 Could you keep it down? People are starting to look. 264 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,353 Oh, well, they'’re probably wondering 265 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:32,833 why the old man and his nurse are arguing. 266 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,878 Hey, I am not that much older than you. 267 00:09:34,965 --> 00:09:36,184 I'’m 47. 268 00:09:38,099 --> 00:09:40,449 Great, you just lost me my senior discount. 269 00:09:40,536 --> 00:09:43,104 I knew dating you was a bad idea. 270 00:09:43,191 --> 00:09:44,627 Yes, exactly. 271 00:09:44,714 --> 00:09:46,629 Louis and Walden are the priority here. 272 00:09:46,716 --> 00:09:49,284 You and I should never have complicated the adoption 273 00:09:49,371 --> 00:09:50,590 with our unbridled passion. 274 00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:51,852 We should have bridled. 275 00:09:51,939 --> 00:09:52,983 This was so stupid. 276 00:09:53,070 --> 00:09:54,158 I am so stupid. 277 00:09:54,245 --> 00:09:55,986 No, you'’re not stupid. 278 00:09:56,073 --> 00:09:57,771 You just let your unfettered desire get the best of you. 279 00:09:57,858 --> 00:09:58,946 You should have fettered. 280 00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:00,121 You know what? 281 00:10:00,208 --> 00:10:01,122 You'’re right. 282 00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:02,689 Ending this is a good thing. 283 00:10:02,776 --> 00:10:04,299 To be honest, I'’m actually a little relieved. 284 00:10:04,386 --> 00:10:06,083 Of course you are, you just dodged a bullet-- 285 00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:08,825 a cheap, middle-aged, lactose-intolerant bullet. 286 00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:12,873 ♪ Men.♪[thunder rumbling] 287 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,526 [doorbell rings] 288 00:10:16,964 --> 00:10:18,530 [doorbell rings] 289 00:10:19,793 --> 00:10:21,795 [doorbell rings twice] 290 00:10:21,882 --> 00:10:22,839 What is going on? 291 00:10:22,926 --> 00:10:24,841 I have no idea. 292 00:10:24,928 --> 00:10:28,323 [doorbell ringing] 293 00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:31,369 Surprise! 294 00:10:31,456 --> 00:10:33,328 It'’s inspection time! 295 00:10:33,415 --> 00:10:35,417 [thunder crashes] 296 00:10:35,504 --> 00:10:37,593 ♪ Men.♪ 297 00:10:42,163 --> 00:10:43,773 ♪ Men.♪ 298 00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:45,993 Look at these sharp corners on this table. 299 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,734 No gate on the stairs. 300 00:10:47,821 --> 00:10:49,431 I see a lot of problems here. 301 00:10:49,518 --> 00:10:51,215 A lot of problems. 302 00:10:51,302 --> 00:10:53,740 A lot of problems. 303 00:10:53,827 --> 00:10:57,047 Believe me, I see the same problem. 304 00:10:57,134 --> 00:10:59,702 And I would like to help you get rid of your problem, 305 00:10:59,789 --> 00:11:03,924 even if that means dumping the problem'’s body in the ocean. 306 00:11:04,011 --> 00:11:06,274 If you think it'’s hard getting me out of here alive, 307 00:11:06,361 --> 00:11:08,232 try getting rid of my ghost. 308 00:11:08,319 --> 00:11:11,192 Okay, obviously this is not about the adoption. 309 00:11:11,279 --> 00:11:12,933 This is about us. 310 00:11:13,020 --> 00:11:14,978 Now, why don'’t we just sit down and talk? 311 00:11:15,065 --> 00:11:16,240 Look at this. 312 00:11:16,327 --> 00:11:19,243 A weapon in the form of a toy? 313 00:11:19,330 --> 00:11:20,636 Is it loaded? 314 00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:22,072 Yes, it is! 315 00:11:22,159 --> 00:11:23,900 You have to be careful. 316 00:11:23,987 --> 00:11:25,423 You might hurt someone you thought you cared about 317 00:11:25,510 --> 00:11:26,555 but were horribly deceived by. 318 00:11:26,642 --> 00:11:27,991 Okay, listen, 319 00:11:28,078 --> 00:11:29,819 I understand that you are very upset. 320 00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:31,168 And I agree 321 00:11:31,255 --> 00:11:33,649 that we should take this out on Alan. 322 00:11:33,736 --> 00:11:35,912 Your railings on the deck are too low, 323 00:11:35,999 --> 00:11:37,914 there'’s no safety glass on the fireplace 324 00:11:38,001 --> 00:11:40,482 and you have alcohol 325 00:11:40,569 --> 00:11:41,788 within a child'’s reach. 326 00:11:41,875 --> 00:11:44,094 We can, we can fix this. 327 00:11:44,181 --> 00:11:46,053 See? All gone. 328 00:11:46,140 --> 00:11:47,141 Ugh.. 329 00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:48,403 What kind of wine is that? 330 00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:51,014 Oh, uh, uh, it'’s instant. 331 00:11:51,101 --> 00:11:52,189 It comes in a packet. 332 00:11:52,276 --> 00:11:53,800 Just add water. 333 00:11:53,887 --> 00:11:55,497 Uh, it'’s-it'’s like astronaut wine. 334 00:11:55,584 --> 00:11:58,195 And you'’re upset that this guy broke up with you? 335 00:11:58,282 --> 00:11:59,980 The only thing I'’m upset about 336 00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:02,373 is the litany of violations I found here tonight. 337 00:12:02,460 --> 00:12:05,159 You have 48 hours to address these issues. 338 00:12:05,246 --> 00:12:06,334 Keep in mind: 339 00:12:06,421 --> 00:12:08,945 I can stop by anytime I see fit. 340 00:12:09,946 --> 00:12:11,339 Anytime. 341 00:12:11,426 --> 00:12:13,776 [thunder crashes] 342 00:12:16,953 --> 00:12:18,433 Okay, say what you will, 343 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:19,826 but that exit was cool. 344 00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:21,523 Okay, you think she'’s angry now? 345 00:12:21,610 --> 00:12:23,090 What do you think is gonna happen 346 00:12:23,177 --> 00:12:25,048 when she finds out about you and Lyndsey? 347 00:12:25,135 --> 00:12:27,224 Oh, oh, don'’t worry, I'’ll apologize to Ms. McMartin, 348 00:12:27,311 --> 00:12:29,139 and then tomorrow, when I'’m having lunch with Lyndsey, 349 00:12:29,226 --> 00:12:30,488 I'’ll tell her we have to lay low 350 00:12:30,575 --> 00:12:31,576 until the adoption goes through. 351 00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:32,664 No. I don'’t want you going 352 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,188 anywhere near Ms. McMartin. 353 00:12:34,275 --> 00:12:35,972 But I think I can help... No! 354 00:12:36,059 --> 00:12:37,408 You'’ve already done enough damage. 355 00:12:37,495 --> 00:12:39,149 And I'’m warning you, you stay away. 356 00:12:39,236 --> 00:12:40,803 I am a billionaire 357 00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:43,414 and I can buy my way out of at least one murder. 358 00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:45,199 This is still America. 359 00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:46,504 ♪ Men.♪ 360 00:12:47,984 --> 00:12:50,073 So, what looks good? 361 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,206 And don'’t say my boobs. 362 00:12:52,293 --> 00:12:53,860 Why would I say "my boobs" 363 00:12:53,947 --> 00:12:55,426 when it'’s your boobs that I like? 364 00:12:55,513 --> 00:12:56,558 [laughs] 365 00:12:56,645 --> 00:12:58,038 Have you thought about us? 366 00:12:58,125 --> 00:12:59,126 Yes. 367 00:12:59,213 --> 00:13:00,257 I want to give it a try. 368 00:13:00,344 --> 00:13:01,563 Oh, you do?! 369 00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:03,260 Oh, that is so great. I know! 370 00:13:03,347 --> 00:13:05,088 The rest of our life together starts right now. 371 00:13:05,175 --> 00:13:06,742 Yes! 372 00:13:06,829 --> 00:13:08,439 Or in three weeks, when I can see you again. 373 00:13:08,526 --> 00:13:10,267 What? 374 00:13:10,354 --> 00:13:12,052 Oh, well, Walden is worried about the adoption. 375 00:13:12,139 --> 00:13:13,662 He doesn'’t want there to be any complications. 376 00:13:13,749 --> 00:13:15,316 So he thinks I'’ll screw it up? 377 00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:16,752 No, he thinks I'’ll screw it up. 378 00:13:16,839 --> 00:13:18,754 Oh, sure. 379 00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:20,408 So I just think it'’s better if we lay low 380 00:13:20,495 --> 00:13:21,365 until after the court date. 381 00:13:21,452 --> 00:13:23,150 I understand. 382 00:13:23,237 --> 00:13:24,978 Is that why we drove an hour away from the ocean 383 00:13:25,065 --> 00:13:26,370 to go to a seafood restaurant? 384 00:13:26,457 --> 00:13:28,546 Ah, that and... 385 00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:29,983 no corkage fee. 386 00:13:32,594 --> 00:13:33,508 Ooh. 387 00:13:33,595 --> 00:13:35,684 A pinot. 388 00:13:38,513 --> 00:13:40,297 Oh! Oh, you don'’t mind if I drink, do you? 389 00:13:40,384 --> 00:13:43,344 I can honestly say I'’ve never been less tempted. 390 00:13:43,431 --> 00:13:45,172 Good legs... 391 00:13:45,259 --> 00:13:47,348 mmm, full body... 392 00:13:47,435 --> 00:13:49,176 goes down easy. 393 00:13:49,263 --> 00:13:52,048 They should call this "The Lyndsey Special." 394 00:13:52,135 --> 00:13:54,442 Cute. 395 00:13:54,529 --> 00:13:56,574 You know, I-I certainly wouldn'’t want to do anything 396 00:13:56,661 --> 00:13:58,315 to jeopardize the adoption. 397 00:13:58,402 --> 00:14:00,448 And taking it slow is probably better for us, too. 398 00:14:00,535 --> 00:14:04,104 Oh! Lyndsey plus Alan equals "us." 399 00:14:04,191 --> 00:14:05,409 Aw... [laughs] 400 00:14:07,020 --> 00:14:07,934 Hello, Alan. 401 00:14:08,021 --> 00:14:10,284 [crashing] 402 00:14:10,371 --> 00:14:11,807 Good God! 403 00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:13,809 What-what are you doing here? 404 00:14:13,896 --> 00:14:16,420 And-and how do you keep making these dramatic entrances? 405 00:14:17,508 --> 00:14:18,814 Who is this? 406 00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:21,425 Oh. Uh, th-this is-is Lyndsey. 407 00:14:21,512 --> 00:14:23,906 Uh, Lyndsey, this is Ms. McMartin, 408 00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:25,690 our social worker. 409 00:14:25,777 --> 00:14:29,651 Uh, remember, I told you about her and the adoption? 410 00:14:29,738 --> 00:14:33,350 Um, uh, Lyndsey is my cousin, 411 00:14:33,437 --> 00:14:36,745 um, from Cedar Rapids, Iowa. 412 00:14:36,832 --> 00:14:38,094 What? 413 00:14:38,181 --> 00:14:40,096 So you make out with your cousin? 414 00:14:40,183 --> 00:14:43,273 I said she was from Iowa. 415 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,188 Is this why you broke up with me? 416 00:14:45,275 --> 00:14:46,189 For her? 417 00:14:46,276 --> 00:14:47,451 Hold on. 418 00:14:47,538 --> 00:14:48,975 You'’re dating your social worker? 419 00:14:49,062 --> 00:14:50,150 He was. 420 00:14:50,237 --> 00:14:51,325 Till he dumped me last night. 421 00:14:51,412 --> 00:14:52,804 Was it just last night? 422 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,328 You said you were single. 423 00:14:54,415 --> 00:14:55,851 Did I say I was single? 424 00:14:55,938 --> 00:14:57,635 Yeah. Right after we had sex. 425 00:14:57,722 --> 00:14:59,333 Did we have sex? 426 00:14:59,420 --> 00:15:00,682 You had sex with her? 427 00:15:00,769 --> 00:15:02,945 Did I have sex with her? 428 00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:03,946 You jackass! 429 00:15:06,949 --> 00:15:09,169 [glass shatters] 430 00:15:09,256 --> 00:15:10,866 Heh. 431 00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:12,650 Chicks. [chuckles] 432 00:15:12,737 --> 00:15:14,652 Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed, am I right? 433 00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,395 Oh, Lyndsey... Lyndsey, wait! 434 00:15:21,311 --> 00:15:23,400 I banged both of them. 435 00:15:23,487 --> 00:15:24,575 Ain'’t no thang. 436 00:15:26,664 --> 00:15:28,579 ♪ Men.♪ 437 00:15:30,581 --> 00:15:31,887 Hey. 438 00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:34,281 Oh, hey, did you, uh, see Lyndsey? 439 00:15:34,368 --> 00:15:36,022 Uh, yes, I did. 440 00:15:36,109 --> 00:15:37,675 Uh, and she was totally cool with taking it slow 441 00:15:37,762 --> 00:15:38,720 until the adoption is done. 442 00:15:38,807 --> 00:15:40,374 Good. And thank you. 443 00:15:40,461 --> 00:15:41,897 Yeah, you may not want to thank me just yet. 444 00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:42,985 Um... 445 00:15:44,682 --> 00:15:47,642 Please tell me that that is your blood 446 00:15:47,729 --> 00:15:49,078 and not powdered wine. 447 00:15:49,165 --> 00:15:50,819 I-It'’s not my fault. 448 00:15:50,906 --> 00:15:52,864 Ms. McMartin showed up.What? 449 00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,605 She followed me. She'’s gone crazy. 450 00:15:54,692 --> 00:15:57,739 No, she hasn'’t "gone crazy." 451 00:15:57,826 --> 00:16:00,046 You drove her crazy. 452 00:16:00,133 --> 00:16:03,266 You make people crazy! 453 00:16:03,353 --> 00:16:05,442 That-that'’s a little unfair. 454 00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:06,966 I mean, I grant you that, you know, 455 00:16:07,053 --> 00:16:08,837 maybe it was a mistake to sleep with her, 456 00:16:08,924 --> 00:16:10,534 but when a woman has five cats, 457 00:16:10,621 --> 00:16:12,754 she doesn'’t have to be "made crazy." 458 00:16:12,841 --> 00:16:13,885 You know what? You'’re right. 459 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,452 This-this-this is my fault. 460 00:16:15,539 --> 00:16:17,019 I'’m the one who made the mistake. 461 00:16:17,106 --> 00:16:18,499 You are? Yes. 462 00:16:18,586 --> 00:16:20,283 I mistakenly thought that you were 463 00:16:20,370 --> 00:16:22,938 a capable, competent human being, 464 00:16:23,025 --> 00:16:25,158 able to handle a simple situation 465 00:16:25,245 --> 00:16:29,597 without destroying the life of everyone around you. 466 00:16:29,684 --> 00:16:31,120 Boy, if I had a dollar 467 00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:33,296 for every time someone has said that to me. 468 00:16:33,383 --> 00:16:35,559 But seriously, seriously, I-I will fix this. 469 00:16:35,646 --> 00:16:37,779 [laughing]: Oh. Great. 470 00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:39,085 You'’re gonna fix this. Yeah. 471 00:16:39,172 --> 00:16:40,912 I mean, why was I worried? 472 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,218 Have no fear! 473 00:16:42,305 --> 00:16:43,872 Alan is here! 474 00:16:45,961 --> 00:16:47,702 Hey! Hey, everyone! 475 00:16:47,789 --> 00:16:49,182 Don'’t worry! 476 00:16:49,269 --> 00:16:50,922 Alan'’s gonna fix it! 477 00:16:52,315 --> 00:16:54,143 Sailors at sea, 478 00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:57,016 throw away your life vests! 479 00:16:57,103 --> 00:16:58,539 You don'’t need them! 480 00:16:58,626 --> 00:17:02,586 '’Cause Alan is gonna fix everything! 481 00:17:17,210 --> 00:17:18,602 Maybe I do make people crazy. 482 00:17:21,562 --> 00:17:23,433 ♪ Men.♪ 483 00:17:27,481 --> 00:17:29,135 Walden? What are you doing here? 484 00:17:29,222 --> 00:17:32,225 I am on the "Alan Harper Apology Tour." 485 00:17:33,965 --> 00:17:35,228 Uh, but this is gonna require 486 00:17:35,315 --> 00:17:36,490 a little bit of audience participation. 487 00:17:36,577 --> 00:17:38,666 When I say "Alan," you say "idiot." 488 00:17:38,753 --> 00:17:40,320 Alan. Idiot. 489 00:17:40,407 --> 00:17:42,017 Alan. Idiot. 490 00:17:42,104 --> 00:17:43,236 This is fun. Come in. 491 00:17:45,629 --> 00:17:47,501 Wow, this is nice. 492 00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:50,156 And it doesn'’t smell like cat urine at all. 493 00:17:50,243 --> 00:17:51,983 So what do you want, Walden? 494 00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,811 I realize that Alan-- 495 00:17:53,898 --> 00:17:54,812 Idiot. 496 00:17:56,727 --> 00:18:00,296 Look, I-I realize that he can do some stupid things. 497 00:18:00,383 --> 00:18:02,646 And I'’m-I'’m sure you'’ve seen his helicopter dance, 498 00:18:02,733 --> 00:18:04,779 where he uses his penis as the propeller. 499 00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:07,477 Actually, I haven'’t. 500 00:18:08,609 --> 00:18:09,653 Neither have I. 501 00:18:11,481 --> 00:18:13,657 I realize how angry you must be with him. 502 00:18:13,744 --> 00:18:15,224 But that has nothing to do 503 00:18:15,311 --> 00:18:16,791 with the kind of father I can be to Louis. 504 00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:18,184 I know that. 505 00:18:18,271 --> 00:18:19,185 It'’s just that Alan-- 506 00:18:19,272 --> 00:18:20,186 Idiot. 507 00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:21,709 Ha! 508 00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:23,319 He makes me crazy. 509 00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:24,538 I-I just said that! 510 00:18:24,625 --> 00:18:26,235 In-in fact, I hit a lifeguard 511 00:18:26,322 --> 00:18:28,716 with a patio chair saying that. 512 00:18:28,803 --> 00:18:30,718 Look, Walden, at the end of the day, 513 00:18:30,805 --> 00:18:33,112 I'’m not gonna let my anger prevent a child 514 00:18:33,199 --> 00:18:34,591 from being placed in a good home. 515 00:18:34,678 --> 00:18:35,723 Thank God. 516 00:18:35,810 --> 00:18:38,508 I just... I'’ve never realized 517 00:18:38,595 --> 00:18:40,554 how much another person can mean to me. 518 00:18:40,641 --> 00:18:42,425 That is so sweet. 519 00:18:43,992 --> 00:18:45,646 [sobbing]: Why can'’t anybody 520 00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:47,474 ever think that about me? 521 00:18:48,953 --> 00:18:51,260 I am such a loser! 522 00:18:51,347 --> 00:18:53,871 No, you'’re not a loser, Ms. McMartin. 523 00:18:53,958 --> 00:18:56,004 Yes, I am! 524 00:18:56,091 --> 00:18:57,832 I thought I hit rock bottom 525 00:18:57,919 --> 00:19:01,052 by dating an old guy who can'’t get a boner. 526 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:06,362 It turns out, rock bottom is getting dumped 527 00:19:06,449 --> 00:19:08,669 by the old guy who can'’t get a boner. 528 00:19:10,714 --> 00:19:12,281 What is wrong with me? 529 00:19:12,368 --> 00:19:14,065 Nothing. 530 00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:16,546 Come on, you'’re smart and you'’re fun... 531 00:19:16,633 --> 00:19:17,982 And, oh, by the way, 532 00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:19,723 you are way too pretty for Alan. 533 00:19:19,810 --> 00:19:21,943 Oh. [laughs] 534 00:19:22,030 --> 00:19:23,684 So are you. 535 00:19:23,771 --> 00:19:24,772 See? 536 00:19:24,859 --> 00:19:26,426 Now there'’s that smile. 537 00:19:26,513 --> 00:19:27,992 Come on, now, now... 538 00:19:28,079 --> 00:19:29,994 any guy would be lucky to be with you. 539 00:19:30,081 --> 00:19:31,257 Oh, you'’re just saying that. 540 00:19:31,344 --> 00:19:33,041 No, you'’re awesome. 541 00:19:33,128 --> 00:19:34,608 And what you do for a living, helping those kids, 542 00:19:34,695 --> 00:19:35,957 changing their lives, 543 00:19:36,044 --> 00:19:37,915 putting your hand on my leg... 544 00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:42,224 Wow. 545 00:19:42,311 --> 00:19:43,747 [giggles] 546 00:19:43,834 --> 00:19:45,749 I can'’t believe this. 547 00:19:45,836 --> 00:19:47,925 You'’re not the only one. 548 00:19:48,012 --> 00:19:49,275 I don'’t want you to worry. 549 00:19:49,362 --> 00:19:50,972 I'’m not going to let the fact 550 00:19:51,059 --> 00:19:53,061 that we are in a relationship affect Louis. 551 00:19:53,148 --> 00:19:55,629 Learned that lesson, am I right? 552 00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:56,934 [laughs] 553 00:19:57,021 --> 00:19:59,154 Yeah. 554 00:19:59,241 --> 00:20:01,504 Relationship. 555 00:20:01,591 --> 00:20:03,158 Okay. 556 00:20:03,245 --> 00:20:05,987 I am going to go... Where? 557 00:20:06,074 --> 00:20:07,771 Where are you going? 558 00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:10,470 To the bathroom. 559 00:20:10,557 --> 00:20:12,515 Oh, okay. 560 00:20:12,602 --> 00:20:13,516 [giggles] 561 00:20:13,603 --> 00:20:15,866 Hurry back. 562 00:20:15,953 --> 00:20:18,478 [singsong]: I'’ll miss you. 563 00:20:18,565 --> 00:20:20,784 I'’ll miss you, too. 564 00:20:23,570 --> 00:20:25,702 Ooh, it'’s a little chilly out there. 565 00:20:25,789 --> 00:20:28,139 I'’m gonna grab my pants. 566 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:31,752 And my car keys. 567 00:20:31,839 --> 00:20:34,102 ♪ Men.♪ 568 00:20:38,585 --> 00:20:40,195 ♪ Take one step left and one step right ♪ 569 00:20:40,282 --> 00:20:42,676 ♪ One to the front and one to the side ♪ 570 00:20:42,763 --> 00:20:45,331 ♪ Clap your hands once and clap your hands twice ♪ 571 00:20:45,418 --> 00:20:47,463 Alan?♪ And if it looks like this, then you'’re doing it right ♪ 572 00:20:47,550 --> 00:20:49,335 ♪ A little bit of ALAN: ♪ Lyndsey. 573 00:20:49,422 --> 00:20:51,075 ♪ In my life, a little bit of ♪ 574 00:20:51,162 --> 00:20:53,382 ALAN: ♪ Lyndsey. ♪ By my side... 575 00:20:53,469 --> 00:20:54,775 ♪ A little of bit of ALAN: ♪ Lyndsey.