1 00:00:02,654 --> 00:00:03,960 ♪ Men.♪ 2 00:00:04,047 --> 00:00:05,657 [sighs] 3 00:00:05,744 --> 00:00:08,530 I can'’t believe it. I know. 4 00:00:08,617 --> 00:00:11,489 Since you let me do it to you, I had to let you do it to me. 5 00:00:11,576 --> 00:00:13,317 Not that. 6 00:00:13,404 --> 00:00:15,667 Although, remind me to throw away that cat toy. 7 00:00:15,754 --> 00:00:18,322 No, I meant the fact that you are cheating 8 00:00:18,409 --> 00:00:20,977 on your husband to sleep with your social worker. 9 00:00:21,064 --> 00:00:23,284 You just described a fantasy I didn'’t know I had. 10 00:00:25,068 --> 00:00:27,375 Naughty social worker. 11 00:00:27,462 --> 00:00:29,855 Show me on the doll where I should touch you. 12 00:00:29,942 --> 00:00:33,511 Okay, I need to keep romantically what I do here 13 00:00:33,598 --> 00:00:36,471 separate from what I do professionally out there. 14 00:00:36,558 --> 00:00:38,168 Even though, in both cases, 15 00:00:38,255 --> 00:00:40,431 I seem to work with the jobless and homeless. 16 00:00:40,518 --> 00:00:42,738 I think we have a professional relationship. 17 00:00:42,825 --> 00:00:45,871 You gave us a kid, I gave you an orgasm. 18 00:00:45,958 --> 00:00:49,310 Well, technically, both of those are still pending. 19 00:00:52,226 --> 00:00:54,228 But I'’m serious. 20 00:00:54,315 --> 00:00:56,621 If we'’re gonna do this, we have to establish some boundaries. 21 00:00:56,708 --> 00:00:58,623 I mean, I'’m overseeing Walden'’s adoption of Louis. 22 00:00:58,710 --> 00:01:00,930 Right, right, I-I really don'’t want to mess that up. 23 00:01:01,017 --> 00:01:04,368 It'’s just that I-I like spending time with you. 24 00:01:04,455 --> 00:01:06,022 And I-- 25 00:01:06,109 --> 00:01:08,024 to my surprise-- 26 00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:09,852 like spending time with you. 27 00:01:09,939 --> 00:01:12,550 I'’m kind of like poison ivy. 28 00:01:12,637 --> 00:01:15,684 You don'’t realize you'’ve been exposed until you get that itch. 29 00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:20,602 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 30 00:01:20,689 --> 00:01:23,518 ♪ Ah. ♪ Men. ♪ Men. 31 00:01:27,652 --> 00:01:29,741 ♪ Men.♪ 32 00:01:32,048 --> 00:01:33,136 Hey. 33 00:01:33,223 --> 00:01:35,182 Oh, what'’s that? 34 00:01:35,269 --> 00:01:37,793 Yes, I am wearing the same clothes as last night. 35 00:01:39,577 --> 00:01:41,449 Ask not for whom the booty calls. 36 00:01:43,059 --> 00:01:45,235 The booty calls for me. 37 00:01:45,322 --> 00:01:46,889 So I assume you'’re not gonna stop 38 00:01:46,976 --> 00:01:48,456 until I ask who it was. 39 00:01:48,543 --> 00:01:49,631 A gentleman doesn'’t kiss and tell, 40 00:01:49,718 --> 00:01:51,372 but I'’m no gentleman, 41 00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:53,113 and it'’s hard to kiss a woman from behind. 42 00:01:54,636 --> 00:01:56,159 Alan, okay, who was it? 43 00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:58,074 [laughing]: I banged our social worker. 44 00:01:58,161 --> 00:01:59,641 Ms. McMartin? 45 00:01:59,728 --> 00:02:01,033 Again? 46 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,383 What can I say? 47 00:02:02,470 --> 00:02:05,037 She gave my penis a good home. 48 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,388 I thought this was gonna be something that you did once, 49 00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:09,651 like manscaping with a straight razor. 50 00:02:11,435 --> 00:02:13,481 Please don'’t mess this up for me. 51 00:02:13,568 --> 00:02:15,004 Oh, no, no, it'’s a good thing. 52 00:02:15,091 --> 00:02:16,440 Uh, plus, we-we really like each other, 53 00:02:16,527 --> 00:02:18,138 And we agreed to respect boundaries. 54 00:02:18,225 --> 00:02:19,487 You know-- personal life, professional life. 55 00:02:19,574 --> 00:02:21,228 Okay, and what boundaries are you respecting 56 00:02:21,315 --> 00:02:23,230 when you'’re bragging about having sex with her? 57 00:02:23,317 --> 00:02:25,536 That'’s just something a man wants to share with his husband. 58 00:02:25,623 --> 00:02:26,972 [doorbell rings] 59 00:02:27,059 --> 00:02:28,452 Oh, oh, that'’s Ms. McMartin. 60 00:02:28,539 --> 00:02:29,801 She'’s here to check up on Louis. 61 00:02:29,888 --> 00:02:31,107 It was supposed to be a surprise. 62 00:02:33,196 --> 00:02:34,197 [stammering]: Wait up, hold on... 63 00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:35,938 She told you this? 64 00:02:36,025 --> 00:02:37,635 No, she didn'’t tell me-- we have boundaries. 65 00:02:37,722 --> 00:02:40,595 I saw it on her phone when I was going through her texts. 66 00:02:44,076 --> 00:02:45,600 Hello, Walden. 67 00:02:45,687 --> 00:02:47,515 Ms. McMartin. 68 00:02:47,602 --> 00:02:48,864 Hi. 69 00:02:48,951 --> 00:02:50,692 What a surprise. 70 00:02:50,779 --> 00:02:52,172 Come on in. 71 00:02:55,479 --> 00:02:57,046 Hey, girl. 72 00:02:58,613 --> 00:03:01,006 You are social workin'’ it. 73 00:03:02,965 --> 00:03:04,227 Can I get you anything? 74 00:03:04,314 --> 00:03:06,273 Like a new boyfriend? 75 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:09,101 Okay, so obviously Alan told you about us. 76 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,277 Uh, yes, he has. 77 00:03:10,364 --> 00:03:12,192 Look, I want you to know 78 00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:14,324 this will in no way affect our professional relationship. 79 00:03:14,411 --> 00:03:17,109 I am here strictly as your and Louis'’s caseworker. 80 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,763 And let me tell you something right now, 81 00:03:18,850 --> 00:03:20,548 I want to back that case up. 82 00:03:23,551 --> 00:03:26,293 You know, Alan, the lucky thing is that after I smack you, 83 00:03:26,380 --> 00:03:28,817 there'’s already a social worker here to report it to. 84 00:03:30,645 --> 00:03:32,255 So how is everything going with Louis? 85 00:03:32,342 --> 00:03:33,604 You know, it'’s good. 86 00:03:33,691 --> 00:03:36,433 Uh, but I have a couple questions. 87 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:39,784 Like... like, okay, for example, 88 00:03:39,871 --> 00:03:41,960 what'’s the best way to discipline him? 89 00:03:42,047 --> 00:03:44,224 Uh, I believe she favors spanking. 90 00:03:49,881 --> 00:03:52,144 All right, what do I say 91 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:54,799 when he asks about his biological parents? 92 00:03:54,886 --> 00:03:58,716 And how much cheese is too much cheese? 93 00:03:58,803 --> 00:04:00,675 Okay, how about we just do one question at a time? 94 00:04:00,762 --> 00:04:02,242 Okay, okay. 95 00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:03,721 There'’s some cultural things, like-- 96 00:04:03,808 --> 00:04:05,680 should I teach him a cool handshake, 97 00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:07,334 or does that just make me lame? 98 00:04:07,421 --> 00:04:09,118 Good question, bro. 99 00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:13,122 Blow it up. 100 00:04:14,602 --> 00:04:16,081 You know what might help? 101 00:04:16,168 --> 00:04:17,561 Talking to other foster parents. 102 00:04:17,648 --> 00:04:18,954 Actually, some of my dads have started 103 00:04:19,041 --> 00:04:20,695 an informal support group. 104 00:04:20,782 --> 00:04:22,262 They kick around these kind of questions every week. 105 00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:23,785 Oh, that'’d be great for you. 106 00:04:23,872 --> 00:04:25,308 Uh, I went to a group for divorced dads, 107 00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:27,223 and it really helped. 108 00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:29,356 Uh, I also went to a group for people whose moms died, 109 00:04:29,443 --> 00:04:31,096 but, uh, that was just wishful thinking. 110 00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:35,405 ♪ Men.♪ 111 00:04:35,492 --> 00:04:37,320 Hey, buddy. Berta'’s gonna watch you 112 00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:38,843 when I go to my meeting tonight, okay? 113 00:04:38,930 --> 00:04:40,280 Okay. 114 00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:42,194 We'’re gonna have a lot of fun. 115 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:45,328 Remember the last time when we learned about animals and math? 116 00:04:45,415 --> 00:04:47,330 Yep. Wow, what'’d you learn? 117 00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:49,463 A trifecta is a sucker bet. 118 00:04:50,725 --> 00:04:52,292 And? 119 00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:54,990 Horses run faster when they poop before the race. 120 00:04:56,383 --> 00:04:58,210 The kid'’s a sponge. 121 00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,473 Good morning. 122 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:00,604 Speaking of sponges. 123 00:05:00,691 --> 00:05:01,649 Morning. 124 00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:03,085 Big plans for the day? 125 00:05:03,172 --> 00:05:05,130 I got my first dads group tonight. 126 00:05:05,217 --> 00:05:07,219 Oh. And before that, Louis and I are gonna go to the movies. 127 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,264 Then I'’m gonna hit the gym. 128 00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:09,700 Oh, you know what? 129 00:05:09,787 --> 00:05:11,006 Why don'’t we go to the gym first? 130 00:05:11,093 --> 00:05:12,442 That way, we can steal some waters 131 00:05:12,529 --> 00:05:14,009 so we can sneak them into the movies. 132 00:05:14,096 --> 00:05:16,011 You want to go? 133 00:05:16,098 --> 00:05:18,056 Uh, isn'’t today when you go to the farmer'’s market 134 00:05:18,143 --> 00:05:19,754 and bargain for bruised peaches? 135 00:05:19,841 --> 00:05:21,451 I can just go to the supermarket. 136 00:05:21,538 --> 00:05:23,540 They'’re all bruised when you bring a Sharpie. 137 00:05:23,627 --> 00:05:26,369 I want to spend the day with you. 138 00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:29,416 Oh, great. 139 00:05:29,503 --> 00:05:33,028 You know, it'’s just that I-I was gonna head straight from the gym 140 00:05:33,115 --> 00:05:34,551 to the meeting. 141 00:05:34,638 --> 00:05:35,987 So... 142 00:05:36,074 --> 00:05:37,641 if you go... 143 00:05:37,728 --> 00:05:39,164 Oh, oh, I get it. Say no more. 144 00:05:39,251 --> 00:05:40,514 Thank you. 145 00:05:40,601 --> 00:05:41,776 You can just drop me off on your way. 146 00:05:41,863 --> 00:05:44,387 Mmm, what do you want for dinner? 147 00:05:44,474 --> 00:05:46,215 I don'’t know. 148 00:05:46,302 --> 00:05:47,999 Who thinks about dinner 149 00:05:48,086 --> 00:05:50,088 when you'’re still swallowing your breakfast? 150 00:05:50,175 --> 00:05:51,786 I'’ll have hot dogs. 151 00:05:53,048 --> 00:05:54,658 Where are you going? 152 00:05:54,745 --> 00:05:58,140 I'’m gonna do something to help me run faster. 153 00:06:00,708 --> 00:06:02,623 ♪ Men.♪ 154 00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:03,972 Hey, fellas, the new guy'’s here. 155 00:06:04,059 --> 00:06:05,452 Hey. MAN: Hey. 156 00:06:05,539 --> 00:06:06,931 Hey, you going to spin class, sweetie? 157 00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:08,629 Yep. See you later. 158 00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:09,891 Hey, I'’m Rick. 159 00:06:09,978 --> 00:06:11,719 Hey. Walden. Nice to meet you. 160 00:06:11,806 --> 00:06:13,111 Nice to meet you.Your daughter is very nice. 161 00:06:13,198 --> 00:06:15,636 Yes, she is, but that was my wife. 162 00:06:17,028 --> 00:06:18,421 My daughter'’s 40. 163 00:06:18,508 --> 00:06:20,771 That'’s way too old for me. 164 00:06:20,858 --> 00:06:22,773 This is Leo, and that'’s Jack. 165 00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:24,775 Hi. Hi. Hey. Hey, nice to meet you. 166 00:06:24,862 --> 00:06:26,603 That'’s, uh, Brian over there. 167 00:06:26,690 --> 00:06:29,606 Just had newborn twins, so he just comes here to sleep. 168 00:06:29,693 --> 00:06:32,087 Yeah, you could fart in his face, he won'’t even wake up. 169 00:06:32,174 --> 00:06:33,436 Ah. 170 00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:34,437 Here you go.Oh, thank you. 171 00:06:34,524 --> 00:06:36,091 This place is amazing. 172 00:06:36,178 --> 00:06:38,180 You got a bar, and the pool table, and the TVs. 173 00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:40,965 You just add some hot chicks, orange paint and an owl, 174 00:06:41,052 --> 00:06:42,227 and you got a Hooters. 175 00:06:42,314 --> 00:06:44,055 [laughing] 176 00:06:44,142 --> 00:06:46,014 Maybe Heidi can serve us beers when she gets back. 177 00:06:46,101 --> 00:06:48,712 Why not? That'’s what she was doing when I met her. 178 00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:51,672 So, uh, what'’s your kid situation? 179 00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:52,847 Uh, I got a boy. 180 00:06:52,934 --> 00:06:53,978 Uh, his name'’s Louis. 181 00:06:54,065 --> 00:06:55,763 He'’s six. 182 00:06:55,850 --> 00:06:58,635 Uh, he likes Minecraftand Legos and, apparently, 183 00:06:58,722 --> 00:07:01,508 twice as much cheese as what doctors recommend. 184 00:07:01,595 --> 00:07:03,684 Nice. I got three daughters. 185 00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:05,860 I always wanted a son, so, uh, we adopted Josh. 186 00:07:05,947 --> 00:07:07,339 Now I got half a girl'’s volleyball team 187 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,950 and a boy who wants to be their cheerleader. 188 00:07:09,037 --> 00:07:10,473 But I love him-- no judgment. 189 00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,869 My wife and I adopted a four-year-old girl, Micah. 190 00:07:14,956 --> 00:07:16,914 I also do alarm systems, in case you'’re in the market. 191 00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:18,699 Give me your contact info, 192 00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:20,483 I'’ll put you down on my weekly e-mail blast. 193 00:07:20,570 --> 00:07:21,832 All the guys get it. 194 00:07:21,919 --> 00:07:22,964 [imitating cough]: Mark as spam. 195 00:07:23,051 --> 00:07:24,487 [chuckles] 196 00:07:24,574 --> 00:07:26,184 That is funny. 197 00:07:26,271 --> 00:07:28,491 Jack'’s alarm code is #227. 198 00:07:28,578 --> 00:07:31,538 I got three grown kids from my first marriage, 199 00:07:31,625 --> 00:07:33,844 and Heidi and I just adopted a seven-year-old girl. 200 00:07:33,931 --> 00:07:35,846 Wow. You must really love kids. 201 00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:38,327 Kids are fine. What I love is Heidi. 202 00:07:39,197 --> 00:07:40,460 You saw her. 203 00:07:40,547 --> 00:07:42,287 When I was in college, 204 00:07:42,374 --> 00:07:44,725 her mother was in sixth grade. 205 00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:47,292 And if you think about it, 206 00:07:47,379 --> 00:07:49,469 my next wife isn'’t even born yet. 207 00:07:52,341 --> 00:07:54,909 So, uh, why did you and your wife choose to adopt? 208 00:07:54,996 --> 00:07:57,520 My wife is incapable of having children. 209 00:07:57,607 --> 00:07:58,608 Oh. Oh. Oh. 210 00:07:58,695 --> 00:07:59,870 Yeah, his name is Alan. 211 00:07:59,957 --> 00:08:01,350 Oh. Oh. Oh. 212 00:08:01,437 --> 00:08:02,699 A-Although, uh, 213 00:08:02,786 --> 00:08:04,701 he did order boner pills from China once 214 00:08:04,788 --> 00:08:06,398 that made him lactate. 215 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:07,878 [chuckles] 216 00:08:07,965 --> 00:08:09,401 [chuckles] Uh, 217 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,186 so, anything going on with Louis? 218 00:08:11,273 --> 00:08:13,057 Yeah, you know, I have a couple questions 219 00:08:13,144 --> 00:08:14,929 that-that you'’re the perfect person to answer. 220 00:08:15,016 --> 00:08:16,147 Why is that? 221 00:08:17,714 --> 00:08:19,629 '’Cause I'’m handsome? Charming? 222 00:08:19,716 --> 00:08:22,110 College graduate? Top home security specialist 223 00:08:22,197 --> 00:08:24,155 in the South Bay three years running? 224 00:08:24,242 --> 00:08:27,376 Yes, that... 225 00:08:27,463 --> 00:08:30,379 Louis is also all those things. 226 00:08:30,466 --> 00:08:32,250 I'’m just messing with you! 227 00:08:32,337 --> 00:08:33,730 [chuckles]Yeah. 228 00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:36,385 Ms. McMartin told us your kid was mixed-race. 229 00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:38,126 So what do you want to know? 230 00:08:38,213 --> 00:08:40,302 Uh, do you want to know how to comb his hair? 231 00:08:40,389 --> 00:08:42,217 Uh, what type of music to expose him to? 232 00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:44,088 Do I need to teach him a cool handshake? 233 00:08:44,175 --> 00:08:46,134 So that'’s-that'’s actually a thing? 234 00:08:46,221 --> 00:08:49,224 Yeah, yeah. Here, let me show you, let me show you.Oh. 235 00:08:49,311 --> 00:08:51,226 Huh? Huh? Ooh. 236 00:08:51,313 --> 00:08:52,444 That is cool. 237 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:53,881 And you just did it 238 00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:55,752 to hand me your business card. 239 00:08:55,839 --> 00:08:57,928 Yeah. If you tell me that I sent you, 240 00:08:58,015 --> 00:08:59,713 then you get 20% off. 241 00:09:01,497 --> 00:09:03,717 By the way, have you seen my wife? 242 00:09:03,804 --> 00:09:05,893 ♪ Men.♪ 243 00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:07,590 Hey, uh, thanks for having me. 244 00:09:07,677 --> 00:09:09,810 You know, this is great. I-I don'’t think I knew it, 245 00:09:09,897 --> 00:09:11,289 but I needed a place like this. 246 00:09:11,376 --> 00:09:13,030 You mean a place to get away from our wives? 247 00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:14,989 Preach! 248 00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:17,165 Wait, why do you need a place? You'’re married to a guy. 249 00:09:17,252 --> 00:09:19,950 Your only problem is, do I watch SportsCenterbefore, 250 00:09:20,037 --> 00:09:21,996 during or after sex? 251 00:09:22,083 --> 00:09:24,999 Uh, actually, it'’s-it'’s a little more complicated than that. 252 00:09:25,086 --> 00:09:26,087 What do you mean? 253 00:09:26,174 --> 00:09:27,523 I mean, well, imagine... 254 00:09:27,610 --> 00:09:30,178 all of the wife and none of the sex. 255 00:09:30,265 --> 00:09:32,702 Yeah, we don'’t need to imagine. We'’re married, too. 256 00:09:32,789 --> 00:09:34,835 I don'’t know what you guys are talking about. 257 00:09:34,922 --> 00:09:36,837 I get all the sex I can handle. 258 00:09:36,924 --> 00:09:40,231 Which, at my age, is about once a month. 259 00:09:40,318 --> 00:09:43,844 Can-can I share something that doesn'’t leave this room? 260 00:09:43,931 --> 00:09:46,847 Yeah, sure. Oh, these guys know that back when I was single... 261 00:09:46,934 --> 00:09:48,544 [whispers]: I used to bang his sister. 262 00:09:51,199 --> 00:09:53,593 Okay, here'’s the thing. 263 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,246 I'’m not gay. 264 00:09:56,508 --> 00:09:57,771 I-I married my best friend 265 00:09:57,858 --> 00:09:59,076 so I could adopt Louis. 266 00:09:59,163 --> 00:10:00,948 Really? 267 00:10:01,035 --> 00:10:03,385 Then you shouldn'’t have any of these problems. 268 00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:05,605 And yet I have all of these problems. 269 00:10:05,692 --> 00:10:07,650 I mean, that'’s why it'’s so great coming here. 270 00:10:07,737 --> 00:10:09,260 I get to get away from Alan. 271 00:10:09,347 --> 00:10:11,872 I mean, he wants to do everything with me. 272 00:10:11,959 --> 00:10:15,092 He ordered a Groupon for two-for-one prostate exams. 273 00:10:17,051 --> 00:10:18,661 Are your wives that clingy? 274 00:10:18,748 --> 00:10:20,968 Oh, yeah. My wife just bought golf clubs 275 00:10:21,055 --> 00:10:23,361 so she could ruin golf for me. 276 00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:27,235 My wife'’s outside waiting in the minivan. 277 00:10:27,322 --> 00:10:29,977 Yeah, even I have to get away from Heidi every now and then. 278 00:10:30,064 --> 00:10:33,067 Do you know what the worst "wife" thing is? 279 00:10:33,154 --> 00:10:36,113 When you forget to ask them, "How was your day?" 280 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:37,593 Oh.No, no, 281 00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:39,421 the worst thing is when you ask Alan, 282 00:10:39,508 --> 00:10:41,641 "How was your day?" and he answers. 283 00:10:43,468 --> 00:10:44,905 You know, it'’s funny-- I-I always thought 284 00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:46,776 being married to a guy would be different. 285 00:10:46,863 --> 00:10:48,996 In some ways, it is. I mean, uh... for example, 286 00:10:49,083 --> 00:10:50,911 I imagine that you guys enjoy it 287 00:10:50,998 --> 00:10:53,000 when you walk in on your wives masturbating. 288 00:10:53,087 --> 00:10:54,436 Oh, yeah.Yeah, yeah... 289 00:10:54,523 --> 00:10:56,438 Oh, no! 290 00:10:57,831 --> 00:11:00,137 ♪ Men.♪ 291 00:11:00,224 --> 00:11:02,705 Hey, there you are. We didn'’t get to talk yesterday. 292 00:11:02,792 --> 00:11:04,707 How was your day? 293 00:11:04,794 --> 00:11:06,927 Great. How was your... 294 00:11:07,014 --> 00:11:08,580 day? 295 00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,626 Oh, oh, it was the worst. 296 00:11:10,713 --> 00:11:12,715 Fade in: Supermarket. There were only two lanes open, 297 00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:14,412 but there must have been 30 of us. 298 00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:17,415 30? Wow, that'’s an amazing end to that story. 299 00:11:17,502 --> 00:11:19,591 I wish. You know they don'’t give you bags anymore? 300 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,593 If you want a bag, that'’s ten cents. 301 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,595 Ten cents. That'’s outrageous. 302 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:24,684 That'’s six bruised peaches. 303 00:11:26,337 --> 00:11:27,904 Uh, anyway, so I-I went out to the parking lot 304 00:11:27,991 --> 00:11:29,079 and there was a...Alan, can... 305 00:11:29,166 --> 00:11:31,081 can we just jump to the end? 306 00:11:31,168 --> 00:11:33,475 She agreed not to press charges. 307 00:11:33,562 --> 00:11:37,784 Okay, that is the end to, like, way too many of your stories. 308 00:11:37,871 --> 00:11:40,090 So, uh, how did your foster dads group go? 309 00:11:40,177 --> 00:11:41,962 I-I texted you, but you never answered. 310 00:11:42,049 --> 00:11:43,964 Really? 311 00:11:44,051 --> 00:11:46,444 I... That'’s... I must not have gotten it. 312 00:11:46,531 --> 00:11:49,578 Are you sure? Uh, it says it was read at 7:47. 313 00:11:51,232 --> 00:11:54,061 I guess it was ignored at 7:48. 314 00:11:54,148 --> 00:11:56,803 Dads group was really fun. 315 00:11:56,890 --> 00:11:58,543 Yeah, I think it'’s gonna be really gonna helpful for Louis. 316 00:11:58,630 --> 00:12:00,589 Oh, great, great. Uh, when are you gonna do it again? 317 00:12:00,676 --> 00:12:02,460 Uh... Well, you know, I was gonna actually 318 00:12:02,547 --> 00:12:03,940 have the guys over tonight. 319 00:12:04,027 --> 00:12:06,508 Tonight? The place is a mess. 320 00:12:06,595 --> 00:12:08,728 And The Good Wifeis on. 321 00:12:08,815 --> 00:12:10,207 Mmm. 322 00:12:10,294 --> 00:12:12,644 Well, I do want to meet the guys, though. 323 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:15,735 Oh. Well, you know, it'’s a... it'’s actually, it'’s a pretty 324 00:12:15,822 --> 00:12:17,519 tight-knit group, so... 325 00:12:17,606 --> 00:12:19,521 I don'’t think people will be able to open up 326 00:12:19,608 --> 00:12:21,349 if there'’s a stranger around. Besides, don'’t... 327 00:12:21,436 --> 00:12:23,133 don'’t you and Ms. McMartin have a thing tonight? 328 00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:25,570 Nope. Uh-uh. Free as a boner in sweat pants. 329 00:12:25,657 --> 00:12:27,485 No. Come on. 330 00:12:27,572 --> 00:12:30,271 You deserve a thing, so... 331 00:12:30,358 --> 00:12:31,794 here. 332 00:12:31,881 --> 00:12:33,753 Well, I-I do deserve a thing. 333 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,406 Hey, hey-- you only give me money 334 00:12:35,493 --> 00:12:36,973 when you'’re trying to get rid of me. 335 00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:39,584 No, I don'’t. Here, take more money. 336 00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:42,849 Wait, hold on. Do you... 337 00:12:42,936 --> 00:12:44,372 do you not want me around tonight? 338 00:12:44,459 --> 00:12:46,983 No, it'’s just... it'’s just... 339 00:12:47,070 --> 00:12:48,768 I had fun last night, 340 00:12:48,855 --> 00:12:51,161 and I want to have fun again tonight. 341 00:12:51,248 --> 00:12:54,512 I see. And Webster'’s defines fun as having 342 00:12:54,599 --> 00:12:57,689 or pertaining to the absence of Alan. 343 00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,431 From the Latin: hurticus feelingsmus. 344 00:13:00,518 --> 00:13:02,869 Okay, are you really asking why I don'’t want you around 345 00:13:02,956 --> 00:13:04,566 while you'’re talking like that? 346 00:13:04,653 --> 00:13:06,307 Oh, so you really don'’t want me around? 347 00:13:06,394 --> 00:13:09,527 Yes, or as defined in Webster'’s, affirmative. 348 00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:11,225 Don'’t take my dictionary thing.Well, 349 00:13:11,312 --> 00:13:13,009 at least you have a thing. 350 00:13:13,096 --> 00:13:14,837 I don'’t have anything for myself. 351 00:13:14,924 --> 00:13:17,274 I mean, every time I turn around, there you are. 352 00:13:17,361 --> 00:13:21,017 Oh, what? Let'’s just do it. Look, oh, there you are. 353 00:13:21,104 --> 00:13:23,237 Well, I'’m sorry if my presence offends you. 354 00:13:23,324 --> 00:13:24,586 If bags weren'’t ten cents apiece, 355 00:13:24,673 --> 00:13:26,196 I'’d put one over my head. 356 00:13:26,283 --> 00:13:29,025 Listen, I just want one thing for myself. 357 00:13:29,112 --> 00:13:31,549 One thing where you'’re not around. 358 00:13:31,636 --> 00:13:33,073 Is that too much to ask? 359 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,597 Fine. If that'’s how you feel, you know, 360 00:13:35,684 --> 00:13:39,470 have your stupid little group all to yourself in our house. 361 00:13:39,557 --> 00:13:42,822 But don'’t expect me to wait to watch The Good Wife. 362 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:46,434 ♪ Men.♪ 363 00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:52,788 ♪ Men.♪ 364 00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:55,356 And here'’s a picture of Heidi on a nude beach in Cancún. 365 00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:58,576 Whoa. I can see her can. 366 00:13:58,663 --> 00:14:00,840 And her cún. 367 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:06,976 Alan? 368 00:14:08,151 --> 00:14:09,718 I thought you had a thing. 369 00:14:09,805 --> 00:14:12,112 Well, if you saw my feet after the paraffin dip, 370 00:14:12,199 --> 00:14:13,940 you'’d know I already had my thing. 371 00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:18,553 Don'’t worry, I won'’t spoil your little party. 372 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,860 You must be the dads who are part of the group. 373 00:14:22,644 --> 00:14:24,559 I'’m the dad who'’s not part of the group. 374 00:14:24,646 --> 00:14:27,301 And here we go. 375 00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:31,566 Hey, hey, why don'’t... why don'’t you have a beer? 376 00:14:31,653 --> 00:14:34,090 Oh, no, I'’ll be in my room. I can amuse myself. 377 00:14:34,177 --> 00:14:36,397 I have a half bag of Cheetos and a radio. 378 00:14:42,969 --> 00:14:45,754 Oh, hey, hey, come on, man. 379 00:14:45,841 --> 00:14:49,671 No. Please stay. 380 00:14:49,758 --> 00:14:53,240 Well, when the boss says jump, I say how... Hi. I'’m Alan. 381 00:14:53,327 --> 00:14:54,894 Wow, what a fun way to meet someone. 382 00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:56,765 Here you go.There you go. 383 00:14:56,852 --> 00:14:59,028 Oh. Thank you, thank you. So, uh, so what'’s going on? 384 00:14:59,115 --> 00:15:01,639 Or-Or should I say whassup?! 385 00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:03,467 You remember that? 386 00:15:03,554 --> 00:15:04,991 You guys... You guys remember that? Remember? 387 00:15:05,078 --> 00:15:07,645 Whassup?! 388 00:15:07,732 --> 00:15:12,172 That is the whitest guy I have ever seen. 389 00:15:12,259 --> 00:15:13,825 Wait, wait, is that all you'’re serving? 390 00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,002 Chips? Not even in a bowl? 391 00:15:16,089 --> 00:15:17,307 You should be embarrassed. 392 00:15:17,394 --> 00:15:19,744 Oh, trust me, I'’m embarrassed. 393 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,704 Look, nobody cares. 394 00:15:22,791 --> 00:15:24,532 Alan seems to care, and you care 395 00:15:24,619 --> 00:15:26,186 about Alan'’s feelings, don'’t you? 396 00:15:26,273 --> 00:15:28,623 Ooh, I like him. Two points for the silver fox. 397 00:15:30,581 --> 00:15:32,192 Maybe I'’ll just, uh, throw together some nachos. 398 00:15:32,279 --> 00:15:34,542 We'’re fine. The... Hey, I don'’t want you 399 00:15:34,629 --> 00:15:37,153 to go to all the trouble. See? I'’m thinking about you. 400 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,242 It'’s no trouble. It'’s just, uh, chips, uh... 401 00:15:39,329 --> 00:15:42,202 [with accent]: guacamole, uh, jalapeños and, uh, queso fresco. 402 00:15:43,899 --> 00:15:45,205 My wife'’s idea of nachos 403 00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:47,685 is just dumping some salsa on chips. 404 00:15:47,772 --> 00:15:50,123 Well, I'’m nacho average wife. 405 00:15:50,210 --> 00:15:52,473 [laughing] 406 00:15:53,561 --> 00:15:55,084 ♪ Men.♪ 407 00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:57,304 So this guy-- I bail him out completely, 408 00:15:57,391 --> 00:15:58,696 agree to marry him, 409 00:15:58,783 --> 00:16:00,524 and guess what we do on our wedding night. 410 00:16:00,611 --> 00:16:03,397 I-I don'’t need to hear that. No judgment. 411 00:16:03,484 --> 00:16:05,747 Nothing. We came straight home. 412 00:16:05,834 --> 00:16:07,357 Same place we went on our honeymoon. 413 00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:10,578 The guy has a jet. How hard is it to go to Aruba? 414 00:16:10,665 --> 00:16:11,927 Jamaica. 415 00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:13,537 ♪ Ooh, I wanna take you 416 00:16:13,624 --> 00:16:15,148 ♪ To Bermuda 417 00:16:15,235 --> 00:16:17,498 ♪ Bahama, come on, pretty mama ♪ 418 00:16:17,585 --> 00:16:20,066 ♪ Key Largo, Montego 419 00:16:20,153 --> 00:16:23,852 ♪ Baby, why don'’t we go ♪♪ Ooh, I want to take you down to Kokomo ♪ 420 00:16:23,939 --> 00:16:25,593 ♪ We'’ll get there fast ♪ 421 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,682 ♪ And then we'’ll take it slow ♪ 422 00:16:27,769 --> 00:16:31,555 ♪ That'’s where we want to go ♪ 423 00:16:31,642 --> 00:16:33,731 ♪ Way down in Kokomo 424 00:16:33,818 --> 00:16:35,081 ♪ Martinique 425 00:16:35,168 --> 00:16:36,821 ♪ That Monserrat mystique. 426 00:16:36,908 --> 00:16:39,215 [all whooping, laughing] 427 00:16:40,521 --> 00:16:41,870 That is my jam, 428 00:16:41,957 --> 00:16:43,828 and y'’all are my bitches. 429 00:16:43,915 --> 00:16:45,830 ♪ Men.♪ 430 00:16:50,574 --> 00:16:52,446 What the hell are you doing? 431 00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:55,275 I'’m just being a fun guy. What are youdoing? 432 00:16:55,362 --> 00:16:58,800 You'’re about as much fun as the polyp in Rick'’s colon. 433 00:16:58,887 --> 00:17:00,497 You'’re doing exactly what I thought you would. 434 00:17:00,584 --> 00:17:01,933 You'’re taking my friends. 435 00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,587 Just like you take everything. 436 00:17:03,674 --> 00:17:05,459 You took my house, you took my money, 437 00:17:05,546 --> 00:17:08,114 you even took my old jeans and turned '’em into cutoffs. 438 00:17:08,201 --> 00:17:10,768 They'’re called jorts, and they look great on me.Okay, 439 00:17:10,855 --> 00:17:12,466 you knew I didn'’t want you here 440 00:17:12,553 --> 00:17:14,468 and you said you weren'’t gonna be here, 441 00:17:14,555 --> 00:17:15,817 yet here you are 442 00:17:15,904 --> 00:17:17,253 with your... [with accent]: guacamole 443 00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:19,821 and your fresco queso. 444 00:17:19,908 --> 00:17:22,824 It'’s queso fresco.You do not correct me when I'’m mocking you. 445 00:17:22,911 --> 00:17:24,652 You know what? You know what? I think... 446 00:17:24,739 --> 00:17:26,523 I think that the reason that you didn'’t want me here 447 00:17:26,610 --> 00:17:28,134 is because you were afraid 448 00:17:28,221 --> 00:17:29,613 that they were gonna like me better than you. 449 00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:32,138 Okay, I can honestly say that I have never 450 00:17:32,225 --> 00:17:34,488 had that thought in my life. 451 00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:36,185 Everything okay in here? 452 00:17:38,927 --> 00:17:40,755 Well, am I allowed 453 00:17:40,842 --> 00:17:43,062 to answer your friends, Walden? 454 00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:44,976 I'’m sorry you guys had to see this. 455 00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:47,240 Oh, come on, we'’ve all been there. 456 00:17:47,327 --> 00:17:49,503 I mean, just a while back, Jack'’s wife chased him 457 00:17:49,590 --> 00:17:51,592 around his house with a steak knife. 458 00:17:51,679 --> 00:17:53,594 Trust me, I was in no danger. 459 00:17:53,681 --> 00:17:56,597 She couldn'’t use a kitchen utensil to save her life. 460 00:17:56,684 --> 00:17:58,686 We can help you work though this. 461 00:17:58,773 --> 00:18:00,079 That'’s what the group is for. 462 00:18:00,166 --> 00:18:01,732 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, 463 00:18:01,819 --> 00:18:03,995 hey, why don'’t we do some role playing? 464 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,910 Okay, you'’re... you'’re, uh, Alan, 465 00:18:05,997 --> 00:18:08,652 and you just found out that Walden 466 00:18:08,739 --> 00:18:11,002 doesn'’t want you around his friends. 467 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,222 Fine. Thank you, Walden, 468 00:18:13,309 --> 00:18:15,572 for letting me live here rent-free. 469 00:18:15,659 --> 00:18:18,488 Despite not contributing anything to this household, 470 00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:21,056 I ignore even your most basic requests. 471 00:18:21,143 --> 00:18:22,666 Um...You'’re not really supposed to use this 472 00:18:22,753 --> 00:18:24,103 to attack.Wait, 473 00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:25,539 hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. 474 00:18:25,626 --> 00:18:27,193 I'’m Walden, and I get off 475 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,064 on making Alan feel bad about himself. 476 00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:32,502 Well, I'’m Alan, and I get off on everything. 477 00:18:32,589 --> 00:18:34,243 Including the stock photos 478 00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:36,506 that come from the picture frames from Target. 479 00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:39,379 That was one time. The Internet was down, 480 00:18:39,466 --> 00:18:41,859 and-and she reminded me of a girl I knew in high school. 481 00:18:41,946 --> 00:18:44,862 Yeah, we'’ve all been there. Sears catalog. 482 00:18:44,949 --> 00:18:46,386 Neiman Marcus. 483 00:18:46,473 --> 00:18:48,823 The Indian girl from the Land O'’Lakes box. 484 00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:53,349 Okay, you know what, I'’m sick of having the same fight 485 00:18:53,436 --> 00:18:54,829 over and over again. 486 00:18:54,916 --> 00:18:56,961 You know, why do we keep doing this? 487 00:18:57,048 --> 00:18:59,225 '’Cause you love him and he loves you. 488 00:18:59,312 --> 00:19:01,575 Also, where am I? 489 00:19:01,662 --> 00:19:04,404 Oh, hey, Brian, I know you'’ve been asleep for a few meetings, 490 00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:06,797 but Walden told us they'’re not actually gay. 491 00:19:06,884 --> 00:19:09,235 I know they'’re not gay. I said they love each other. 492 00:19:09,322 --> 00:19:10,714 It'’s the only thing that can explain 493 00:19:10,801 --> 00:19:12,325 why they make each other so crazy. 494 00:19:14,283 --> 00:19:16,894 You chose to adopt this kid together for a reason. 495 00:19:16,981 --> 00:19:18,548 Why don'’t you talk about that? 496 00:19:18,635 --> 00:19:19,897 [cell phone beeps] 497 00:19:19,984 --> 00:19:22,552 Oh, God, my wife said the twins are sick. 498 00:19:22,639 --> 00:19:24,032 I got to go. 499 00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:26,513 Back to sleep. 500 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:29,777 By the way, not cool about my sister. 501 00:19:29,864 --> 00:19:31,692 No judgment? 502 00:19:33,476 --> 00:19:36,653 I'’m Alan. 503 00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:39,569 And I'’m always there for Walden whenever he needs me the most. 504 00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:43,051 And I do look good in jorts. 505 00:19:44,618 --> 00:19:47,577 And my nachos are restaurant quality. 506 00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:51,929 Well, I'’m Walden, and, uh, 507 00:19:52,016 --> 00:19:55,324 I'’ve been the best friend that Alan'’s ever had. 508 00:19:55,411 --> 00:19:57,239 [short chuckle] And also, 509 00:19:57,326 --> 00:19:58,806 I'’m not angry about the 20s 510 00:19:58,893 --> 00:20:01,287 he occasionally steals from my wallet. 511 00:20:01,374 --> 00:20:03,463 I'’m sorry I said I didn'’t want you around. 512 00:20:03,550 --> 00:20:05,421 I'’m sorry I was smothering you. 513 00:20:05,508 --> 00:20:06,901 Oh... Bring it in.I'’m s... 514 00:20:06,988 --> 00:20:08,555 Come on. 515 00:20:10,992 --> 00:20:12,123 Hey, hey... 516 00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:13,386 You know where we should go? 517 00:20:14,735 --> 00:20:16,954 ♪ Bermuda, Bahama 518 00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:19,783 ♪ Come on, pretty mama 519 00:20:19,870 --> 00:20:22,308 ♪ To Key Largo, Montego, baby why don'’t we go? ♪ 520 00:20:22,395 --> 00:20:24,832 Wait, are you really taking me to...No. 521 00:20:24,919 --> 00:20:28,096 ♪ The Florida Keys, there'’s a place called Koko... ♪ 522 00:20:28,183 --> 00:20:29,706 ♪ Men.♪ 523 00:20:34,058 --> 00:20:35,843 ♪ Men.♪I just want to tell you guys, 524 00:20:35,930 --> 00:20:37,236 I love being a part of this group. 525 00:20:37,323 --> 00:20:38,759 And we love having you, Alan. 526 00:20:38,846 --> 00:20:40,587 Oh, well, thank you. So, as I was saying, 527 00:20:40,674 --> 00:20:42,241 why is it that I'’m willing to take 528 00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:44,199 three hours to make him dinner 529 00:20:44,286 --> 00:20:46,810 and he won'’t take three seconds to tell me what he wants? 530 00:20:46,897 --> 00:20:49,160 Speaking of three seconds, can we talk about the sex? 531 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:50,988 [scoffs] At least you'’re having sex, sister.