1
00:00:02,393 --> 00:00:03,873
Previously on
Two and a Half Men...

2
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:05,309
Yeah, I see hundreds
of potential parents,

3
00:00:05,396 --> 00:00:06,615
but you two are
different somehow.

4
00:00:06,702 --> 00:00:08,095
I know we can be
good parents.

5
00:00:08,182 --> 00:00:10,097
It is my job to be
a hundred percent sure

6
00:00:10,184 --> 00:00:11,707
before I place a child.

7
00:00:11,794 --> 00:00:14,231
We are not believable
as a loving couple,

8
00:00:14,318 --> 00:00:16,494
and I think that'’s why Ms.
McMartin wasn'’t sure about us.

9
00:00:16,581 --> 00:00:18,583
All right, yeah.

10
00:00:18,670 --> 00:00:20,803
We do that in front of Ms.
McMartin, we'’ll get ten babies.

11
00:00:22,283 --> 00:00:24,198
♪ Men.♪

12
00:00:24,285 --> 00:00:26,896
Whew, that was fun.
Whew.

13
00:00:26,983 --> 00:00:29,551
That was like
a roller coaster.

14
00:00:29,638 --> 00:00:32,902
Yeah, we went up,
we went down.

15
00:00:32,989 --> 00:00:35,383
There was the
loop-de-loop.

16
00:00:35,470 --> 00:00:37,472
Yeah, they-they say you want
to sit in the front,

17
00:00:37,559 --> 00:00:39,387
but I had a great time
in the back.

18
00:00:39,474 --> 00:00:41,345
Yeah, you know, I'’m not sure
about that picture

19
00:00:41,432 --> 00:00:42,520
we took at the end.

20
00:00:42,607 --> 00:00:44,174
I think I was making
a funny face.

21
00:00:44,261 --> 00:00:46,524
Yeah.

22
00:00:46,611 --> 00:00:49,353
Hey, have you ever gotten busy
in a public place,

23
00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:51,442
like a theme park,
before?

24
00:00:51,529 --> 00:00:54,097
I mean, uh, there was one
time in the Chicago airport.

25
00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:57,100
I met this girl
on a long layover.

26
00:00:57,187 --> 00:01:00,930
Let'’s just say my bag was
never left unattended.

27
00:01:01,017 --> 00:01:03,367
What about you?

28
00:01:03,454 --> 00:01:07,415
Well, if you get me
a hot cup of coffee,

29
00:01:07,502 --> 00:01:11,288
I'’ll, uh, tell you about my high
school trip to Mount Rushmore.

30
00:01:11,375 --> 00:01:14,248
Okay, please tell me it
doesn'’t involve four old guys

31
00:01:14,335 --> 00:01:16,163
on top of a mountain.

32
00:01:16,250 --> 00:01:19,427
I went to
an all-girls school.

33
00:01:19,514 --> 00:01:21,342
Coffee, coming up!

34
00:01:23,822 --> 00:01:26,260
Oh, hey.
Hey.

35
00:01:26,347 --> 00:01:27,870
Okay, I don'’t know
what was going on

36
00:01:27,957 --> 00:01:28,958
up there with
Laurel, but...

37
00:01:33,354 --> 00:01:36,270
Rich, handsome and a master
of the boudoir.

38
00:01:36,357 --> 00:01:38,272
You'’re everything
I think I am when I'’m drunk.

39
00:01:38,359 --> 00:01:40,274
What can I say?

40
00:01:40,361 --> 00:01:42,711
I got a magical tongue, and
I can breathe through my ears.

41
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:47,411
Were you just sitting down here,
listening to Laurel and me?

42
00:01:47,498 --> 00:01:50,066
[doorbell rings]No, that would be sad.

43
00:01:50,153 --> 00:01:51,546
I was also couponing.

44
00:01:55,985 --> 00:01:57,247
Hey.

45
00:01:57,334 --> 00:01:58,901
How'’s my favorite
couple?

46
00:01:58,988 --> 00:02:01,904
My bros without hos.

47
00:02:01,991 --> 00:02:03,906
Ms. McMartin, uh...

48
00:02:03,993 --> 00:02:05,255
What are you doing here?

49
00:02:05,342 --> 00:02:07,692
Well, I told you guys
the state requires

50
00:02:07,779 --> 00:02:11,305
a couple surprise inspections to
check in on Louis'’s home life.

51
00:02:11,392 --> 00:02:12,349
Surprise!

52
00:02:13,829 --> 00:02:15,396
I am definitely
surprised.

53
00:02:15,483 --> 00:02:16,614
Clearly...
Captain Underpants.

54
00:02:16,701 --> 00:02:18,312
Oh.

55
00:02:18,399 --> 00:02:20,618
Right, yeah, well,
I wasn'’t expect...

56
00:02:20,705 --> 00:02:23,491
You know, Louis isn'’t here; he'’s
actually, he'’s at a sleepover.

57
00:02:23,578 --> 00:02:26,450
So, I guess you came all this
way to see me in my Skivvies.

58
00:02:26,537 --> 00:02:27,799
[chuckles]

59
00:02:27,886 --> 00:02:29,758
Worth the trip in my book.

60
00:02:32,848 --> 00:02:34,371
Instagram.

61
00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:36,634
Hashtag: he'’s bringing
booty back.

62
00:02:36,721 --> 00:02:38,375
Thanks, honey.

63
00:02:38,462 --> 00:02:40,508
Uh, well, it was, uh,
it was good to see you.

64
00:02:40,595 --> 00:02:42,684
Oh, actually, I can just
talk to you guys.

65
00:02:42,771 --> 00:02:44,207
Great, even better.

66
00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:45,817
[stammers]
Come on in.

67
00:02:45,904 --> 00:02:47,123
Uh, you know,
I'’m gonna run upstairs

68
00:02:47,210 --> 00:02:48,255
and put on some pants.

69
00:02:48,342 --> 00:02:49,386
LAUREL:
Walden?

70
00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:52,824
Who was that?

71
00:02:52,911 --> 00:02:54,870
Oh, that was my pants.

72
00:02:56,219 --> 00:02:57,655
Here I come, pants!

73
00:02:57,742 --> 00:02:58,830
[chuckles]
Stay there!

74
00:02:58,917 --> 00:02:59,918
What are you talking about?

75
00:03:00,005 --> 00:03:01,572
Oh, hi. Sorry.

76
00:03:01,659 --> 00:03:03,183
What'’s going on?

77
00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:04,706
Uh...

78
00:03:04,793 --> 00:03:07,535
You'’re cheating
on me?!

79
00:03:08,927 --> 00:03:10,712
I want half!

80
00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:15,369
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

81
00:03:15,456 --> 00:03:18,241
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
♪ Men.

82
00:03:22,289 --> 00:03:23,377
♪ Men.♪

83
00:03:23,464 --> 00:03:25,205
You lied to me.

84
00:03:25,292 --> 00:03:27,163
I never would have
placed Louis here had I known

85
00:03:27,250 --> 00:03:29,209
you guys weren'’t
actually a couple.

86
00:03:29,296 --> 00:03:31,298
I can explain.Oh, go ahead,
I'’d love to hear it.

87
00:03:31,385 --> 00:03:32,821
She'’s my sister.

88
00:03:34,431 --> 00:03:37,042
Where was that
five minutes ago?

89
00:03:37,129 --> 00:03:39,654
There'’s no explanation
for what you did.

90
00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:41,221
I may have to remove Louis.

91
00:03:41,308 --> 00:03:42,570
Okay, I-I know
this looks bad,

92
00:03:42,657 --> 00:03:44,267
but our hearts were
in the right place.

93
00:03:44,354 --> 00:03:46,008
Yeah, even if our
penises weren'’t.

94
00:03:48,140 --> 00:03:49,316
Th-The only thing
that we'’re guilty of

95
00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:50,491
is putting on
a little show.

96
00:03:50,578 --> 00:03:52,101
A littleshow?

97
00:03:52,188 --> 00:03:54,059
Every time I see this one,
he acts like

98
00:03:54,146 --> 00:03:55,322
he'’s auditioning
to host the Tonys.

99
00:03:55,409 --> 00:03:57,498
N-No, that'’s just Alan.

100
00:03:58,977 --> 00:04:00,152
Yeah, i-it'’s true.

101
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,502
Uh, name any musical,
anybody.

102
00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:02,851
Okay, uh, West Side Story.

103
00:04:02,938 --> 00:04:04,505
♪ I like to be
in America ♪

104
00:04:04,592 --> 00:04:06,028
♪ Okay by me in America

105
00:04:06,115 --> 00:04:07,334
♪ Everything free
in America... ♪

106
00:04:07,421 --> 00:04:08,987
Okay, stop.

107
00:04:11,425 --> 00:04:14,036
Well, excuse me,
Officer Krupke.

108
00:04:14,123 --> 00:04:15,733
Listen, we may
not be gay,

109
00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:17,431
but we are definitely
a stable couple.

110
00:04:17,518 --> 00:04:19,259
Yeah, until the adoption
is final,

111
00:04:19,346 --> 00:04:20,782
and then you'’ll,
what, get divorced?

112
00:04:20,869 --> 00:04:22,914
Are you kidding me?
If this one has his way,

113
00:04:23,001 --> 00:04:25,134
he'’s gonna be with me
for the rest of my life.

114
00:04:25,221 --> 00:04:26,614
ALAN:
Longer.

115
00:04:26,701 --> 00:04:28,093
I bought us side-by-side
cemetery plots.

116
00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:29,617
No, he'’s not kidding.

117
00:04:29,704 --> 00:04:31,619
And he gave it to
me for my birthday,

118
00:04:31,706 --> 00:04:33,360
and I pretended
to like it,

119
00:04:33,447 --> 00:04:34,796
because that'’s what
loving couples do.

120
00:04:36,145 --> 00:04:37,451
You pretended to like it?

121
00:04:37,538 --> 00:04:39,453
See that?
See, that'’s real.

122
00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:41,585
And I'’m gonna hear about it
for the rest of the night.

123
00:04:43,021 --> 00:04:44,284
Y-You want to take Louis
away from us

124
00:04:44,371 --> 00:04:45,459
just because we don'’t
have sex?

125
00:04:45,546 --> 00:04:46,764
I mean, I can
honestly tell you

126
00:04:46,851 --> 00:04:48,462
that we have
as much sex as I had

127
00:04:48,549 --> 00:04:49,724
in either of
my previous marriages.

128
00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:51,334
None of that matters.

129
00:04:51,421 --> 00:04:53,162
N-No, of course
it matters.

130
00:04:53,249 --> 00:04:54,772
Because we'’re
not lying.

131
00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:57,122
We are best friends,
and we are married.

132
00:04:57,209 --> 00:04:59,037
And we do love
each other.

133
00:04:59,124 --> 00:05:01,649
And I'’m sorry, but just, you
know, how many people can say

134
00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:03,607
that they are married
to their best friend?

135
00:05:05,130 --> 00:05:07,829
Alan Harper-Schmidt can.

136
00:05:07,916 --> 00:05:10,571
My job is to do what'’s in
the best interest of the child.

137
00:05:10,658 --> 00:05:12,268
Now I have to reevaluate
what that is.

138
00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:14,183
But him living here...

139
00:05:14,270 --> 00:05:15,793
No, I don'’t want to hear
anything else from you guys.

140
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:16,794
I'’ll be in touch.

141
00:05:19,275 --> 00:05:21,233
I can'’t lose this kid.

142
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,627
D-Don'’t go there.
Nothing'’s been decided yet.

143
00:05:23,714 --> 00:05:25,325
Well, other than
the fact

144
00:05:25,412 --> 00:05:28,240
that you don'’t want
to be buried next to me.

145
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,634
This is a disaster.

146
00:05:30,721 --> 00:05:32,419
We'’re gonna lose everything
that we worked for

147
00:05:32,506 --> 00:05:34,464
over one stupid mistake.

148
00:05:34,551 --> 00:05:36,379
It'’s my chiropractic license
all over again.

149
00:05:38,860 --> 00:05:40,731
Your hand slips
into one butt crack.

150
00:05:42,864 --> 00:05:44,779
♪ Men.♪

151
00:05:44,866 --> 00:05:46,650
What you drawing?

152
00:05:46,737 --> 00:05:48,130
It'’s us.
We'’re the Justice League.

153
00:05:48,217 --> 00:05:49,349
You'’re Batman.

154
00:05:49,436 --> 00:05:50,393
I'’m Batman?

155
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:51,916
I mean...

156
00:05:52,003 --> 00:05:53,048
[deep, gravelly voice]:
I'’m Batman.

157
00:05:54,179 --> 00:05:55,267
Is that Superman?

158
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,617
That'’s me.

159
00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:57,792
Oh, and, uh,
there'’s Wonder Woman.

160
00:05:57,879 --> 00:05:58,706
Is that Berta?

161
00:05:58,793 --> 00:05:59,794
That'’s you.

162
00:06:01,970 --> 00:06:04,189
Oh, well, that'’s, uh, a little
inaccurate, don'’t you think?

163
00:06:04,276 --> 00:06:06,366
I mean, uh, I wish
I had those shoulders.

164
00:06:07,671 --> 00:06:09,107
And, uh, and
who'’s that?

165
00:06:09,194 --> 00:06:11,153
That'’s Timothy; he'’s Aquaman.

166
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:12,676
Why can'’t I be Aquaman?

167
00:06:12,763 --> 00:06:15,113
Because Aquaman can
keep himself afloat.

168
00:06:16,811 --> 00:06:18,247
I drew it
'’cause we'’re a team now.

169
00:06:18,334 --> 00:06:20,510
That'’s right.

170
00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:22,294
[voice breaking]: We'’re a team
that'’s never gonna break up.

171
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:25,863
Stay strong,
Wonder Woman.

172
00:06:25,950 --> 00:06:27,299
Can we go to the park?

173
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,171
I don'’t see why not.

174
00:06:29,258 --> 00:06:30,955
Yes, we have to live
in the moment.

175
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,350
"Gather ye rosebuds
while ye may."

176
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:38,528
And you ask why
you'’re Wonder Woman.

177
00:06:38,615 --> 00:06:40,965
Hey, why don'’t you go
and get your shoes on,

178
00:06:41,052 --> 00:06:42,314
and we'’ll get
going, okay?

179
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,664
Cool!

180
00:06:43,751 --> 00:06:45,361
You'’re the best
dad ever.

181
00:06:45,448 --> 00:06:47,276
Oh, my God.

182
00:06:47,363 --> 00:06:48,451
Did you hear that?

183
00:06:48,538 --> 00:06:49,626
He used the "D" word.

184
00:06:49,713 --> 00:06:51,628
I more than heard it, I felt it.

185
00:06:51,715 --> 00:06:53,021
But I am not gonna cry.

186
00:06:53,108 --> 00:06:54,675
That'’s right.

187
00:06:54,762 --> 00:06:56,764
We got to stay strong
in front of the kid.

188
00:06:56,851 --> 00:06:59,680
We can'’t let him know
something'’s going on.

189
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:02,552
[voice breaking]: '’Cause that'’s
what a... a good dad does.

190
00:07:02,639 --> 00:07:04,511
I'’m gonna go get
my jacket.

191
00:07:06,382 --> 00:07:07,992
I feel so bad for him.

192
00:07:08,079 --> 00:07:09,733
Well, what are you gonna
do about it?

193
00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:11,692
There'’s nothing I can do.

194
00:07:11,779 --> 00:07:14,085
Just gonna throw in the towel
before the first round?

195
00:07:14,172 --> 00:07:15,783
What?

196
00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:18,176
Let me put it in terms
you'’ll understand.

197
00:07:18,263 --> 00:07:21,179
You'’re crapping your tutu
before the ballet starts.

198
00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:24,705
After all that Walden'’s
done for you,

199
00:07:24,792 --> 00:07:28,056
you have to help him
keep ahold of Louis.

200
00:07:28,143 --> 00:07:29,927
How?I don'’t know.

201
00:07:30,014 --> 00:07:33,365
But if there is anybody
in the world that can figure out

202
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:36,586
how to keep somebody
in this house, it'’s you.

203
00:07:37,761 --> 00:07:39,633
♪ Men.♪

204
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,339
Um, is this
seat taken?

205
00:07:50,426 --> 00:07:52,123
Uh, actually, no, it'’s...

206
00:07:53,298 --> 00:07:54,952
What are you doing here?

207
00:07:55,039 --> 00:07:56,084
Did you follow me?

208
00:07:56,171 --> 00:07:57,781
No.

209
00:07:57,868 --> 00:07:59,696
But I knew you were here
because of the picture

210
00:07:59,783 --> 00:08:01,045
you posted of
your bruschetta.

211
00:08:01,132 --> 00:08:03,004
This is completely
inappropriate.

212
00:08:03,091 --> 00:08:05,746
And only jackasses
say "brew-sketta."

213
00:08:05,833 --> 00:08:09,097
Just-just hear me out, I need
to talk to you about Louis.

214
00:08:09,184 --> 00:08:10,664
The time to talk to me
about Louis was

215
00:08:10,751 --> 00:08:12,013
before you lied to me
to get him.

216
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:13,405
I only need
five minutes.

217
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,711
I-I'’ll even pay
for your dinner.

218
00:08:14,798 --> 00:08:16,278
I mean, if you
really knew me,

219
00:08:16,365 --> 00:08:17,975
you'’d know what a
big deal that is.

220
00:08:18,062 --> 00:08:19,150
Fine, five minutes.

221
00:08:19,237 --> 00:08:20,891
Thank you.

222
00:08:20,978 --> 00:08:22,545
Oh, and if you want
anything else, order fast--

223
00:08:22,632 --> 00:08:24,286
the happy hour prices
are about to go away.

224
00:08:24,373 --> 00:08:26,506
What do you have to say?

225
00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:28,377
[sighs]
Look...

226
00:08:28,464 --> 00:08:30,510
Walden is really
a great guy.

227
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:32,207
All he wanted
was to be a dad,

228
00:08:32,294 --> 00:08:34,209
and he tried everything
he could think of.

229
00:08:34,296 --> 00:08:36,864
I mean, he only married me
because I was his last resort.

230
00:08:36,951 --> 00:08:38,430
I'’m like peeing in
a Gatorade bottle

231
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,389
when you'’re
stuck in traffic.

232
00:08:40,476 --> 00:08:44,132
Nobody wants to do it, but
sometimes it'’s your only option.

233
00:08:44,219 --> 00:08:46,830
You know what
a last resort looks like?

234
00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:49,790
Like a 33-year-old woman who
devoted herself to her career

235
00:08:49,877 --> 00:08:51,487
because she had nothing else
and then realized

236
00:08:51,574 --> 00:08:53,663
she'’s not even good at that
because she screwed up

237
00:08:53,750 --> 00:08:56,579
and gave a kid to two guys
pretending to be a gay couple.

238
00:08:56,666 --> 00:08:58,929
I was just named
employee of the month.

239
00:08:59,016 --> 00:09:01,366
Now I can'’t even use
my $25 Target gift card

240
00:09:01,453 --> 00:09:02,542
without feeling guilty.

241
00:09:04,326 --> 00:09:06,763
You are a good employee
and a good person.

242
00:09:06,850 --> 00:09:09,723
And, if it'’ll help, I'’ll, uh,
I'’ll buy the gift card off you.

243
00:09:09,810 --> 00:09:10,724
Uh, what'’s fair?

244
00:09:10,811 --> 00:09:12,595
Ten? 15? Ten?

245
00:09:12,682 --> 00:09:15,555
You know,
the worst part of this is

246
00:09:15,642 --> 00:09:17,600
I actually liked you guys.

247
00:09:17,687 --> 00:09:19,515
I put your Christmas card
on my fridge.

248
00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:21,125
Now I don'’t even know
who you are.

249
00:09:21,212 --> 00:09:23,040
Who are those people
on my fridge?!

250
00:09:23,127 --> 00:09:24,999
We'’re the same two people
that you trusted Louis with

251
00:09:25,086 --> 00:09:26,261
in the first place.

252
00:09:26,348 --> 00:09:27,567
This whole thing is
a nightmare.

253
00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:29,394
Do you realize
I could lose my job?

254
00:09:29,481 --> 00:09:32,093
I have five cats to support.

255
00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:33,703
I know, and I-I
feel terrible

256
00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:35,531
that we put you
in this position.

257
00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:38,186
Our only intent was to give
a child in need a good home.

258
00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:41,581
Well, I suppose I can'’t
fault you for that.

259
00:09:43,757 --> 00:09:45,193
Great.

260
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:46,803
So...

261
00:09:46,890 --> 00:09:48,370
we'’re done here, we
get to keep Louis,

262
00:09:48,457 --> 00:09:50,677
and I'’ll give you eight
bucks for the gift card.

263
00:09:50,764 --> 00:09:52,679
I wish it was that simple.

264
00:09:52,766 --> 00:09:55,943
I just don'’t know
what the right thing to do is.

265
00:09:56,030 --> 00:09:58,641
Okay, well, y-you don'’t
have to decide right now.

266
00:09:58,728 --> 00:10:00,904
Let'’s, uh, let'’s
talk about it.

267
00:10:00,991 --> 00:10:04,516
Um, uh, can I get an appletini,
uh, sugar rim, extra zest?

268
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,432
You don'’t have to pretend
to be gay anymore.

269
00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:10,305
Oh-oh, yeah, uh,
right, uh, uh...

270
00:10:10,392 --> 00:10:11,611
Uh, make it a mojito.

271
00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:14,135
[whispers]:
Skinny.

272
00:10:14,222 --> 00:10:16,485
So, uh, what do you
say, Ms. McMartin?

273
00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:18,182
Uh, another
Chardonnay?

274
00:10:18,269 --> 00:10:20,228
Eh, what the hell?

275
00:10:20,315 --> 00:10:22,186
It'’s not like this week
could get any worse.

276
00:10:22,273 --> 00:10:24,885
I can'’t believe
I'’m doing this.

277
00:10:24,972 --> 00:10:26,495
I can'’t believe you'’re
doing this either.

278
00:10:26,582 --> 00:10:27,496
Oh, oh, Alan.

279
00:10:27,583 --> 00:10:29,498
Oh, Ms. McMartin.

280
00:10:29,585 --> 00:10:30,934
♪ Men.♪

281
00:10:35,722 --> 00:10:38,159
♪ Men.♪

282
00:10:38,246 --> 00:10:40,117
This is a disaster.

283
00:10:42,076 --> 00:10:43,643
I'’m sorry.

284
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:44,992
Come on, man.

285
00:10:45,079 --> 00:10:47,124
You like her.
Rise and shine.

286
00:10:47,211 --> 00:10:48,952
What is wrong with me?

287
00:10:49,039 --> 00:10:50,780
Oh, no, no,
it'’s not you.

288
00:10:50,867 --> 00:10:53,348
Uh, although, if I, uh,
if I did have one note, uh,

289
00:10:53,435 --> 00:10:55,655
the beige granny panties
didn'’t exactly move the needle.

290
00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:59,746
They'’re nude-colored,
and they are my work panties.

291
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:01,835
Although your use
of the word "needle"

292
00:11:01,922 --> 00:11:04,620
is anatomically accurate.

293
00:11:04,707 --> 00:11:06,622
I am a grower,
not a shower.

294
00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:10,495
Why do I always make
such a mess of things?

295
00:11:10,582 --> 00:11:11,932
[crying]:
I'’m sorry.

296
00:11:12,019 --> 00:11:14,586
Don'’t be.

297
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:15,849
The crying'’s
actually helping.

298
00:11:17,024 --> 00:11:18,199
What?

299
00:11:18,286 --> 00:11:20,549
Um, your weeping
reminds me

300
00:11:20,636 --> 00:11:22,290
of having sex with
my first wife.

301
00:11:22,377 --> 00:11:25,119
How did I get here?

302
00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:26,990
I went to Stanford.

303
00:11:27,077 --> 00:11:29,863
I turned down a job on Wall
Street to help save the world,

304
00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:32,039
and now I'’m in bed
with an old guy

305
00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:33,823
who can'’t get a boner!

306
00:11:33,910 --> 00:11:35,477
[sobbing]

307
00:11:35,564 --> 00:11:38,001
Um, actually, that is
no longer the case.

308
00:11:38,088 --> 00:11:39,916
Seatbacks and
tray tables

309
00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:42,658
are in their full
upright position.

310
00:11:42,745 --> 00:11:45,443
Flight attendants,
prepare for takeoff.

311
00:11:45,530 --> 00:11:46,880
Get out.

312
00:11:46,967 --> 00:11:49,621
Oh. Oh, okay.

313
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,275
Um...

314
00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:53,364
I, uh...

315
00:11:53,451 --> 00:11:56,019
I, uh, hope this won'’t affect
your decision about Louis.

316
00:11:56,106 --> 00:11:59,153
I would hate it
if you held my flaccid penis

317
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:01,111
against Walden.

318
00:12:04,201 --> 00:12:06,073
♪ Men.♪

319
00:12:07,814 --> 00:12:09,467
Oh, hey.

320
00:12:09,554 --> 00:12:10,773
Um, you'’re...
you'’re still up.

321
00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:13,341
It'’s 8:15.

322
00:12:13,428 --> 00:12:15,865
Oh, to be young again.

323
00:12:15,952 --> 00:12:17,345
So, uh, what have
you been doing?

324
00:12:17,432 --> 00:12:19,913
Oh, I-I was, uh,
making a video montage

325
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,045
of the time we spent with Louis.
You want to see it?

326
00:12:22,132 --> 00:12:24,308
Yeah. Yeah, great.

327
00:12:24,395 --> 00:12:28,573
♪ Ooh, child,
things are gonna get eas... ♪

328
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:29,966
[music stops]

329
00:12:32,142 --> 00:12:33,796
That'’s it?

330
00:12:33,883 --> 00:12:35,537
Yeah, we really should have
taken more pictures.

331
00:12:37,931 --> 00:12:39,106
Where have you been?

332
00:12:39,193 --> 00:12:40,977
Oh, I, uh... I, uh...

333
00:12:41,064 --> 00:12:43,501
I went to, uh,
see Ms. McMartin.

334
00:12:43,588 --> 00:12:45,721
Are you kidding me?

335
00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:49,856
She told us to
leave her alone.

336
00:12:49,943 --> 00:12:52,641
Alan, when people say that
to you, they mean it.

337
00:12:54,599 --> 00:12:56,688
Remember how you'’re not allowed
to go to Subway anymore

338
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:59,866
and suggestively ask
for "double meat"?

339
00:12:59,953 --> 00:13:02,607
I-I was just trying
to help us keep Louis.

340
00:13:02,694 --> 00:13:05,001
Okay, tell me
exactly what you did

341
00:13:05,088 --> 00:13:06,568
so I can start to undo it.

342
00:13:06,655 --> 00:13:08,962
O-Okay. Um, I followed her
to a bar...

343
00:13:09,049 --> 00:13:10,702
Oh, God!

344
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,966
This is like the time
that we saw Kelly Ripa

345
00:13:13,053 --> 00:13:14,924
outside the grocery store!

346
00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:16,012
No. No, no, no.

347
00:13:16,099 --> 00:13:18,014
So we-we had a few drinks,

348
00:13:18,101 --> 00:13:20,800
uh, and the funny part is,
um, we ended up in bed.

349
00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:24,673
You had sex with Ms. McMartin?!

350
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:26,153
No!

351
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:27,415
No, I did not.

352
00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:31,723
I was unable
to maintain an erection.

353
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:36,424
This has gone from bad to worse.
I might start crying.

354
00:13:36,511 --> 00:13:38,165
I wouldn'’t.

355
00:13:40,645 --> 00:13:42,734
♪ Men.♪

356
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,258
How you doing?

357
00:13:44,345 --> 00:13:46,173
I'’ve been better.

358
00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:47,696
Well, you want
to forget the pain

359
00:13:47,783 --> 00:13:49,480
or you want to forget your name?

360
00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:51,831
Got anything
to help me forget Alan?

361
00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:55,312
If I did, I'’d be asking you,
"Who'’s Alan?"

362
00:13:57,445 --> 00:14:01,144
Listen, don'’t let
yourself get too down.

363
00:14:01,231 --> 00:14:03,233
It'’s like
I tell my daughters,

364
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,627
no use crying
until the verdict'’s read.

365
00:14:05,714 --> 00:14:08,238
I tried to sway
Ms. McMartin.

366
00:14:08,325 --> 00:14:09,979
She won'’t even
take my calls.

367
00:14:10,066 --> 00:14:11,720
Well, someone
ought to tell her

368
00:14:11,807 --> 00:14:14,636
that you are the best thing
that ever happened for that kid.

369
00:14:14,723 --> 00:14:17,378
I'’m just worried about

370
00:14:17,465 --> 00:14:20,337
what will happen to him if
she doesn'’t let me keep him.

371
00:14:20,424 --> 00:14:22,818
Being a foster kid
makes you tough.

372
00:14:24,124 --> 00:14:25,516
Before he goes, I'’ll teach him

373
00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:27,823
how to make a shiv
out of a Krazy Straw.

374
00:14:28,998 --> 00:14:30,130
Thanks.

375
00:14:30,217 --> 00:14:31,348
I needed a laugh.

376
00:14:31,435 --> 00:14:33,698
Yeah, '’cause I'’m kidding.

377
00:14:36,310 --> 00:14:37,920
I don'’t want him
to leave either.

378
00:14:38,007 --> 00:14:39,356
He'’s a good kid,
isn'’t he?

379
00:14:39,443 --> 00:14:40,923
Yeah.

380
00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:43,099
If I lose him,
all I'’m gonna have

381
00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:44,971
is a five-second
photo montage

382
00:14:45,058 --> 00:14:48,278
and a picture of Alan
as Wonder Woman.

383
00:14:48,365 --> 00:14:50,890
Look, we'’re all
in this together.

384
00:14:50,977 --> 00:14:53,762
Anything I can do for you,
you let me know.

385
00:14:53,849 --> 00:14:55,416
Thanks.
I appreciate it.

386
00:14:57,287 --> 00:15:00,029
You know, if you happen to
know a guy who specializes

387
00:15:00,116 --> 00:15:02,597
in making a father
and son disappear,

388
00:15:02,684 --> 00:15:04,468
you just might want to
keep that number handy.

389
00:15:04,555 --> 00:15:06,775
I do know a guy

390
00:15:06,862 --> 00:15:09,169
that could sneak 80 pounds
into the country.

391
00:15:09,256 --> 00:15:12,389
I don'’t see why he couldn'’t
sneak 80 pounds out.

392
00:15:14,261 --> 00:15:16,741
♪ Men.♪

393
00:15:16,828 --> 00:15:18,874
Ms. McMartin is
15 minutes late.

394
00:15:18,961 --> 00:15:21,094
You know, we might be
a fraudulently gay couple,

395
00:15:21,181 --> 00:15:22,356
but at least we'’re punctual.

396
00:15:24,445 --> 00:15:26,403
We'’re not the only ones
who lied.

397
00:15:26,490 --> 00:15:28,971
I know for a fact that blonde
is not her natural hair color.

398
00:15:32,670 --> 00:15:34,455
[doorbell rings]

399
00:15:34,542 --> 00:15:35,935
That'’s her.

400
00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:37,588
Yeah, and she better watch it,

401
00:15:37,675 --> 00:15:39,025
'’cause I am
in mama grizzly mode.

402
00:15:39,112 --> 00:15:40,678
Promise me
you won'’t make this

403
00:15:40,765 --> 00:15:42,202
more awkward
than it already is.

404
00:15:42,289 --> 00:15:43,377
You got it, of course.

405
00:15:46,684 --> 00:15:47,729
Ms. McMartin.

406
00:15:47,816 --> 00:15:49,731
Hello, Walden.

407
00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:50,775
Alan.

408
00:15:55,824 --> 00:15:57,478
'’Sup, girl?

409
00:15:59,871 --> 00:16:01,656
Who'’s here?

410
00:16:01,743 --> 00:16:03,092
Oh, hey, buddy.

411
00:16:03,179 --> 00:16:04,789
Uh, it'’s Ms. McMartin.

412
00:16:04,876 --> 00:16:05,790
Hi, Louis.

413
00:16:05,877 --> 00:16:07,575
Hi.

414
00:16:07,662 --> 00:16:09,794
Hey, why don'’t you go
in your room and play, uh,

415
00:16:09,881 --> 00:16:11,753
while the grown-ups
talk for a little.

416
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:12,841
Sure.
Okay.

417
00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:16,105
You see how
he handled that?

418
00:16:16,192 --> 00:16:17,802
"Let the
grown-ups talk."

419
00:16:17,889 --> 00:16:19,630
Supportive and gentle,

420
00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:22,590
not unlike your delightful
beige work panties.

421
00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:27,943
Alan, let the grown-ups talk.

422
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:31,120
I'’ve thought about this
a long time,

423
00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:34,515
and nobody wanted this
to work out more than I did.

424
00:16:34,602 --> 00:16:35,690
[sighs]

425
00:16:35,777 --> 00:16:37,997
Please don'’t do this.

426
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:39,607
I have to do my job,

427
00:16:39,694 --> 00:16:41,652
and the fact of the matter is
you lied.

428
00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:42,958
You committed fraud.

429
00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:45,134
But we are
legally married.

430
00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:46,396
He is my best friend.

431
00:16:46,483 --> 00:16:47,789
We'’re-we'’re good parents.

432
00:16:47,876 --> 00:16:49,008
And-and clearly,
we love each other.

433
00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:50,400
WALDEN:
Yes.

434
00:16:50,487 --> 00:16:52,620
The-the only thing
that we don'’t do

435
00:16:52,707 --> 00:16:54,796
is, well, "love" each other.

436
00:16:56,972 --> 00:17:00,019
But if that'’s the only reason
that we don'’t get to keep Louis,

437
00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:02,325
i-is because
I don'’t put my man parts

438
00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:05,111
into Alan'’s...
mostly man parts...

439
00:17:06,938 --> 00:17:08,679
...then we will have sex
right here in front of you.

440
00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:11,900
I mean... come on, Alan.

441
00:17:11,987 --> 00:17:13,380
Oh, okay.

442
00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:15,947
Um...

443
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,123
Guys, stop.

444
00:17:17,210 --> 00:17:18,341
No, I am serious!

445
00:17:18,428 --> 00:17:20,256
I will have sex with Alan
right here

446
00:17:20,343 --> 00:17:22,867
on the living room floor
if we get to keep this kid!

447
00:17:22,954 --> 00:17:24,434
Now, how can you say

448
00:17:24,521 --> 00:17:27,698
that this isn'’t
a great home for a child?

449
00:17:27,785 --> 00:17:30,310
I know you'’re upset.

450
00:17:30,397 --> 00:17:31,833
I am, too.

451
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,139
But I'’ve made up my mind.

452
00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:33,704
No!

453
00:17:34,966 --> 00:17:36,490
This can'’t be it!

454
00:17:37,839 --> 00:17:38,753
LOUIS:
I'’m ready.

455
00:17:40,885 --> 00:17:42,191
What are you doing, buddy?

456
00:17:42,278 --> 00:17:44,063
Whenever Ms. McMartin comes

457
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:46,717
and the grown-ups start yelling,
I get taken away.

458
00:17:46,804 --> 00:17:48,893
Oh, man.

459
00:17:48,980 --> 00:17:51,070
I'’m very sorry, Louis.

460
00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:53,507
What'’s going on?

461
00:17:53,594 --> 00:17:54,595
She'’s taking him.

462
00:17:54,682 --> 00:17:56,423
BERTA:
What?

463
00:17:56,510 --> 00:17:58,947
Hey, blondie, how many people
know you'’re here?

464
00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:04,300
Berta, it'’s okay.

465
00:18:04,387 --> 00:18:05,954
And she'’s not
a real blonde.

466
00:18:09,305 --> 00:18:10,959
Come here.

467
00:18:11,046 --> 00:18:13,788
I want you to know that
this isn'’t your fault.

468
00:18:13,875 --> 00:18:17,922
You didn'’t do anything wrong
and you'’re a great kid.

469
00:18:18,009 --> 00:18:19,620
I really liked it here.

470
00:18:19,707 --> 00:18:22,666
We are, uh... we'’re
gonna miss you, kiddo.

471
00:18:22,753 --> 00:18:25,669
Me, too.

472
00:18:25,756 --> 00:18:27,280
Here.

473
00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:29,282
No.

474
00:18:29,369 --> 00:18:30,979
T-Timothy'’s your
best friend.

475
00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:33,112
He'’ll be your
best friend now.

476
00:18:33,199 --> 00:18:35,636
[sobs]

477
00:18:38,378 --> 00:18:39,770
Bye, Louis.

478
00:18:39,857 --> 00:18:41,685
Bye. Bye, Berta.

479
00:18:41,772 --> 00:18:43,252
So long, kid.

480
00:18:43,339 --> 00:18:44,471
Come on, Louis.

481
00:18:56,874 --> 00:18:59,225
I can'’t do this.

482
00:18:59,312 --> 00:19:00,661
What?

483
00:19:00,748 --> 00:19:02,445
No, the whole reason
I took this job

484
00:19:02,532 --> 00:19:03,664
was to help kids.

485
00:19:03,751 --> 00:19:06,406
No matter how
we got here,

486
00:19:06,493 --> 00:19:08,495
this is the best place for him.

487
00:19:08,582 --> 00:19:09,844
Oh, this is amazing.

488
00:19:09,931 --> 00:19:11,628
Come here, buddy. Oh!

489
00:19:11,715 --> 00:19:14,675
Did you grow while
you were gone?

490
00:19:14,762 --> 00:19:16,285
[laughs]
No.

491
00:19:16,372 --> 00:19:17,504
No?

492
00:19:17,591 --> 00:19:19,680
Get ready for
a mama bear hug.

493
00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:20,898
Mama bear.[laughs]

494
00:19:20,985 --> 00:19:22,683
Oh, my goodness, thank you.

495
00:19:23,771 --> 00:19:24,685
No more lies.

496
00:19:24,772 --> 00:19:26,165
No.

497
00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:27,427
Unless my boss
finds out about this.

498
00:19:27,514 --> 00:19:28,602
Then I totally need you to lie.

499
00:19:30,473 --> 00:19:32,432
Glad to have
you back, kid.

500
00:19:32,519 --> 00:19:34,825
Oh, and, Ms. McMartin,

501
00:19:34,912 --> 00:19:36,523
you might want to stay
away from your house

502
00:19:36,610 --> 00:19:38,046
until I can make
some phone calls.

503
00:19:40,788 --> 00:19:42,398
Okay! Okay!

504
00:19:42,485 --> 00:19:43,660
Let'’s put your stuff
away, buddy.

505
00:19:43,747 --> 00:19:44,922
Hey, you know what?

506
00:19:45,009 --> 00:19:46,446
You can have this now,

507
00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:48,448
'’cause I got
my best friend back.

508
00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:49,840
Technically, I'’m
your best friend.

509
00:19:49,927 --> 00:19:50,841
[laughs]

510
00:19:50,928 --> 00:19:53,104
And I never left.

511
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,323
Still, a touching moment.

512
00:19:56,020 --> 00:19:57,544
That was really sweet of you.

513
00:19:57,631 --> 00:19:59,372
I feel good about it.

514
00:19:59,459 --> 00:20:01,548
Today you earned
your Target gift card.

515
00:20:01,635 --> 00:20:02,810
[laughs]

516
00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:03,811
Thanks.

517
00:20:03,898 --> 00:20:05,116
No, thank you.

518
00:20:07,336 --> 00:20:08,729
[sniffles]

519
00:20:08,816 --> 00:20:10,426
Oh. Oh, are you...
are you crying?

520
00:20:10,513 --> 00:20:13,516
Yes, but... tears of joy.

521
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,090
Those work, too.

522
00:20:22,177 --> 00:20:23,700
♪ Men.♪

523
00:20:28,183 --> 00:20:29,315
♪ Men.♪
Wow!

524
00:20:29,402 --> 00:20:30,533
That was amazing!

525
00:20:30,620 --> 00:20:31,969
Yep.

526
00:20:32,056 --> 00:20:33,580
Alan may disappoint
sometimes,

527
00:20:33,667 --> 00:20:36,060
but a little blue
pill never does.

528
00:20:36,147 --> 00:20:38,759
Hey, could I ask you
a personal question?

529
00:20:38,846 --> 00:20:40,761
What do you consider personal?

530
00:20:40,848 --> 00:20:43,416
I already let you try on
my work panties.

531
00:20:43,503 --> 00:20:46,506
Well... how do I put this?

532
00:20:46,593 --> 00:20:49,639
Ms. McMartin,
what'’s your first name?

533
00:20:51,728 --> 00:20:54,122
♪ Men.♪