1
00:00:02,524 --> 00:00:03,742
♪ Men.♪

2
00:00:03,829 --> 00:00:05,918
Okay. Hold up your gifts.

3
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,833
Everybody has to see the gold
and frankincense and myrrh

4
00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:09,313
so they know
we'’re the three wise men.

5
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,881
It'’s 88 degrees out.

6
00:00:11,968 --> 00:00:13,448
I don'’t have any myrrh.

7
00:00:13,535 --> 00:00:16,581
Unless it'’s the biblical term
for "swamp ass."

8
00:00:16,668 --> 00:00:18,366
We want this
to be mantel-worthy.

9
00:00:18,453 --> 00:00:20,890
We want people to say, you know,
"Look at those costumes,

10
00:00:20,977 --> 00:00:22,979
"look at that view,
look at Cher'’s house

11
00:00:23,066 --> 00:00:25,460
perfectly positioned
over Alan'’s right shoulder."

12
00:00:25,547 --> 00:00:28,028
Oh, it'’s got to be
better than last year.

13
00:00:28,115 --> 00:00:30,943
Me as Joseph,
Berta as the Virgin Mary

14
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:33,294
looking down at you in a diaper.

15
00:00:33,381 --> 00:00:35,339
People loved that.

16
00:00:35,426 --> 00:00:37,211
Okay, here we go.

17
00:00:37,298 --> 00:00:38,342
[camera beeps]

18
00:00:38,429 --> 00:00:40,649
Now everybody say...

19
00:00:40,736 --> 00:00:42,694
Sweet baby Jesus!

20
00:00:42,781 --> 00:00:44,783
Sweet baby Jesus!

21
00:00:44,870 --> 00:00:46,220
Sorry about that.

22
00:00:46,307 --> 00:00:47,525
Oh, that'’s so cute.

23
00:00:47,612 --> 00:00:49,397
You guys are dressed
as Duck Dynasty.

24
00:00:51,181 --> 00:00:53,357
No. We'’re the three kings
of Bethlehem.

25
00:00:53,444 --> 00:00:54,967
Oh, right.

26
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,839
I don'’t get HBO.

27
00:00:56,926 --> 00:00:59,407
Guys, look at him.

28
00:00:59,494 --> 00:01:04,064
Isn'’t he the cutest
in his little robe and beard?

29
00:01:04,151 --> 00:01:05,761
You want my gold?

30
00:01:05,848 --> 00:01:07,980
WOMEN:
Oh!

31
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,853
First cute girl he meets, he'’s
already giving away his money.

32
00:01:12,811 --> 00:01:15,379
You know, I think I have a
better idea for a holiday card.

33
00:01:15,466 --> 00:01:17,294
[camera clicks]

34
00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:18,861
[to "Jingle Bells"]:
♪ Men-men-men, men-men-men

35
00:01:18,948 --> 00:01:21,037
♪ Men-men-men, men-men.

36
00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:22,299
[bells jingling]♪ Men, men, men, men

37
00:01:22,386 --> 00:01:23,909
♪ Manly men, men, men

38
00:01:23,996 --> 00:01:25,868
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
♪ Men.

39
00:01:30,046 --> 00:01:31,439
♪ Men.♪

40
00:01:31,526 --> 00:01:33,136
I found
the fake snow!

41
00:01:33,223 --> 00:01:34,616
Oh.

42
00:01:35,921 --> 00:01:37,314
It looks real.

43
00:01:37,401 --> 00:01:38,663
Yeah. I love a white Christmas.

44
00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:40,361
So did Charlie.

45
00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:42,841
He used to put snow
on every mirror in the house.

46
00:01:42,928 --> 00:01:44,930
Okay.

47
00:01:45,017 --> 00:01:46,715
Hey, hey, buddy, why
don'’t you go inside

48
00:01:46,802 --> 00:01:48,325
and write your letter to Santa?

49
00:01:48,412 --> 00:01:49,674
Santa'’s not real.

50
00:01:49,761 --> 00:01:50,806
What?

51
00:01:50,893 --> 00:01:52,764
Of course he is.

52
00:01:52,851 --> 00:01:55,115
He'’s never brought me
anything I asked for.

53
00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:57,117
Hey, I am sure

54
00:01:57,204 --> 00:01:59,597
that Santa'’s gonna come through
for you this year, buddy.

55
00:01:59,684 --> 00:02:01,686
That'’s what grown-ups
always say.

56
00:02:03,819 --> 00:02:05,516
Come inside with me.

57
00:02:05,603 --> 00:02:09,216
I made gingerbread Zippys.

58
00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:11,435
I was gonna make
gingerbread houses,

59
00:02:11,522 --> 00:02:13,959
but everybody knows
Zippys don'’t have houses.

60
00:02:17,049 --> 00:02:19,748
A six-year-old boy
who doesn'’t believe in Santa.

61
00:02:19,835 --> 00:02:21,793
How sad is that?

62
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,622
Almost as sad as my
20-year-old boy who does.

63
00:02:24,709 --> 00:02:26,668
This sucks.

64
00:02:26,755 --> 00:02:29,105
Just '’cause he grew up
in a group home doesn'’t mean

65
00:02:29,192 --> 00:02:31,107
that he can'’t enjoy
the magic of Christmas.

66
00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:33,414
I know. It was always
Jake'’s favorite holiday.

67
00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:34,893
Especially the year he turned 13

68
00:02:34,980 --> 00:02:36,591
and got his first
Christmas boner.

69
00:02:38,288 --> 00:02:40,769
It was the only toy
he played with all day.

70
00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:43,293
Hey, you know,
I bet Louis would believe

71
00:02:43,380 --> 00:02:45,382
if we got him
exactly what he wanted.

72
00:02:45,469 --> 00:02:46,949
I don'’t know what he wants.

73
00:02:47,036 --> 00:02:48,255
ROSE:
He wants a bike.

74
00:02:48,342 --> 00:02:50,257
God! Rose.

75
00:02:50,344 --> 00:02:52,433
What are you
doing here?

76
00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:53,956
Wait. How do you know
about Louis?

77
00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:56,828
Oh, Walden, you'’re so adorable.

78
00:02:56,915 --> 00:02:59,440
I just wanted to bring by
my homemade Christmas candies.

79
00:02:59,527 --> 00:03:01,093
Do you like nuts?

80
00:03:02,704 --> 00:03:05,315
Covered in chocolate, yes.

81
00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:07,317
With a sweater and skirt, no.

82
00:03:07,404 --> 00:03:09,363
Oh. Okay.

83
00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:12,453
On this day, Walden'’s heart
shrank three sizes.

84
00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:13,976
Anyway,

85
00:03:14,063 --> 00:03:16,065
I know this time of year
can get busy,

86
00:03:16,152 --> 00:03:18,154
so if you need a helping hand,
I'’m here.

87
00:03:18,241 --> 00:03:21,244
I can wrap presents or babysit
or read a Christmas story.

88
00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:22,898
I'’m great at doing voices.

89
00:03:22,985 --> 00:03:25,161
Or hearing them.

90
00:03:25,248 --> 00:03:26,815
What do you want, Rose?

91
00:03:26,902 --> 00:03:29,470
My DNA, my fingerprints,
a lock of my hair?

92
00:03:29,557 --> 00:03:31,036
No, silly.

93
00:03:31,123 --> 00:03:32,995
I have all that.

94
00:03:33,082 --> 00:03:34,518
I want to be your friend again.

95
00:03:34,605 --> 00:03:36,128
I don'’t think
that I'’m comfortable

96
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:37,869
with you being around Louis.

97
00:03:37,956 --> 00:03:39,784
Or me.

98
00:03:39,871 --> 00:03:42,134
If you want to hang out
with Alan, that'’s fine.

99
00:03:43,701 --> 00:03:45,573
I'’ll pass.

100
00:03:47,139 --> 00:03:49,011
♪ Men.♪

101
00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:52,841
Here you go-- a little
Christmas cheer for everyone.

102
00:03:52,928 --> 00:03:56,105
Ugh! What is this?

103
00:03:56,192 --> 00:03:57,019
It'’s eggnog.

104
00:03:57,106 --> 00:03:58,281
With no rum!

105
00:04:00,065 --> 00:04:02,503
Eggnog without booze
is as boring and bland

106
00:04:02,590 --> 00:04:04,461
as church without booze.

107
00:04:06,942 --> 00:04:10,598
Be a dear and go get some
rum for your grandmother.

108
00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:13,775
Evelyn, he'’s six years old.

109
00:04:13,862 --> 00:04:16,430
Oh. Yes, right.

110
00:04:16,517 --> 00:04:20,390
The rum is in a bottle
with a pirate on it.

111
00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:24,089
Maybe-maybe we can wait
until Louis goes to bed.

112
00:04:24,176 --> 00:04:25,917
Of course.

113
00:04:26,004 --> 00:04:27,354
So run along to bed, dear.

114
00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:29,225
Mom.

115
00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:31,183
If you don'’t go to sleep,
Santa won'’t come.

116
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:32,315
There is no Santa.

117
00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:34,404
What?! Of course there is.

118
00:04:34,491 --> 00:04:36,928
Santa'’s as real
as the nose on my face.

119
00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:38,234
[clears throat]

120
00:04:38,321 --> 00:04:41,977
Well, he'’s as real as my...

121
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,416
Trust me, he'’s real.

122
00:04:46,503 --> 00:04:50,377
You know, she'’s right, and
tonight we'’re gonna prove it,

123
00:04:50,464 --> 00:04:54,076
because we got
a Santa cam,

124
00:04:54,163 --> 00:04:57,993
so we can catch
the big man in red on video.

125
00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,821
Santa Claus!

126
00:04:59,908 --> 00:05:01,213
Old Saint Nick!

127
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,259
[French accent]:
Papa Noel.

128
00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:05,261
[Italian accent]:
Babbo Natale.

129
00:05:05,348 --> 00:05:07,176
[German accent]:
Weihnachtsmann.

130
00:05:09,004 --> 00:05:11,876
Which, of course,
means "Christmas man" in German.

131
00:05:11,963 --> 00:05:14,009
Teachable moment.

132
00:05:14,096 --> 00:05:16,054
The-the point is,
in the morning,

133
00:05:16,141 --> 00:05:18,013
when you see
him on video,

134
00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:19,797
then you'’ll believe
he'’s real, right?

135
00:05:19,884 --> 00:05:20,929
I guess.

136
00:05:21,016 --> 00:05:23,366
I guess?! What?

137
00:05:23,453 --> 00:05:25,107
It'’s a Christmas miracle!

138
00:05:25,194 --> 00:05:27,109
Did you hear that, Alan?
Did you hear that, Evelyn?

139
00:05:27,196 --> 00:05:28,763
[imitating Jimmy Stewart]:
You hear that, Clarence?

140
00:05:28,850 --> 00:05:30,852
Merry Christmas, you wonderful
old building and loan!

141
00:05:30,939 --> 00:05:34,464
Okay, off to bed you go.

142
00:05:34,551 --> 00:05:36,988
And soon, you'’ll have
visions of sugar plums

143
00:05:37,075 --> 00:05:38,947
dancing in your head.

144
00:05:39,034 --> 00:05:41,341
Can I have some pirate rum?

145
00:05:41,428 --> 00:05:43,386
No, we don'’t want visions

146
00:05:43,473 --> 00:05:46,084
of pink elephants
dancing in our head.

147
00:05:46,171 --> 00:05:50,306
Okay, you go brush your teeth,
and I'’ll be in in a minute.

148
00:05:50,393 --> 00:05:52,003
When Alan was little
and couldn'’t sleep,

149
00:05:52,090 --> 00:05:53,657
I used to give him whiskey.

150
00:05:53,744 --> 00:05:56,530
Breast-feeding
doesn'’t count, Mother.

151
00:05:56,617 --> 00:05:59,054
So here'’s the plan.

152
00:05:59,141 --> 00:06:01,186
Santa'’s not actually coming.

153
00:06:01,273 --> 00:06:02,710
You don'’t say.

154
00:06:02,797 --> 00:06:04,538
But how awesome is this?

155
00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:07,279
We got the number two guy from
the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

156
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,194
So, if the giant

157
00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:11,632
Bullwinkle balloon breaks loose
and kills the number one Santa,

158
00:06:11,719 --> 00:06:13,111
this is the guy.

159
00:06:13,198 --> 00:06:14,374
ALAN:
Yeah.

160
00:06:14,461 --> 00:06:15,984
He also appeared as Santa

161
00:06:16,071 --> 00:06:18,160
on an episode of
Walker, Texas Ranger.

162
00:06:20,336 --> 00:06:23,818
He and Chuck Norris fought the
bad guys with Christmas fu.

163
00:06:25,776 --> 00:06:27,691
So, when he gets here,
he'’s gonna take the presents

164
00:06:27,778 --> 00:06:29,867
that we bought for him, and he'’s
gonna put them under the tree,

165
00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:31,608
and then we'’ll get it on video,

166
00:06:31,695 --> 00:06:35,482
and then Louis will have the
perfect Charlie Brown Christmas.

167
00:06:35,569 --> 00:06:37,832
[to "Hark the Herald
Angels Sing"]:
♪ Lou, Lou, Lou

168
00:06:37,919 --> 00:06:40,008
♪ Lou-Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou

169
00:06:40,095 --> 00:06:41,488
BOTH:
♪ Lou, Lou, Lou

170
00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:43,533
♪ Lou-Lou, Lou, Lou

171
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:47,145
♪ Lou, Lou, Lou,
Lou-Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou... ♪

172
00:06:47,232 --> 00:06:48,320
I need rum.

173
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:49,583
♪ Lou, Lou, Lou

174
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:51,062
♪ Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou...

175
00:06:51,149 --> 00:06:52,542
♪ Men.♪

176
00:06:52,629 --> 00:06:54,152
Santa'’s here!

177
00:06:54,239 --> 00:06:56,764
I give you
Kris Kringle.

178
00:06:59,723 --> 00:07:00,811
Are you smoking pot?

179
00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:02,378
Of course not.

180
00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:05,381
Don'’t worry.

181
00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:07,339
Santa'’s got a prescription card.

182
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,385
Well, apparently, the presents

183
00:07:09,472 --> 00:07:11,343
have already been
delivered in Colorado.

184
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,606
[clears throat]

185
00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:14,564
Here. Come on in.

186
00:07:16,958 --> 00:07:20,004
I'’m Walden.
This is Alan and, uh, Evelyn.

187
00:07:20,091 --> 00:07:22,354
Uh, wh-what do you go by?
Mr. Claus?

188
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,660
[chuckles]

189
00:07:23,747 --> 00:07:25,488
[Italian accent]:
Babbo Natale?

190
00:07:27,055 --> 00:07:28,709
[German accent]:
Weihnachtsmann?

191
00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:30,885
Actually, it'’s Frank.

192
00:07:30,972 --> 00:07:32,974
It'’s not very Christmasy.

193
00:07:33,061 --> 00:07:34,541
Well, if you don'’t like it,

194
00:07:34,628 --> 00:07:37,282
I can hang some mistletoe
over my ass.

195
00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:41,025
That'’s my son
you'’re talking to.

196
00:07:42,113 --> 00:07:42,766
Good one.

197
00:07:44,899 --> 00:07:46,640
I-I... I'’m sorry.
We'’re-we'’re just really excited.

198
00:07:46,727 --> 00:07:48,859
It'’s our first Christmas
with our foster son.

199
00:07:48,946 --> 00:07:50,992
Uh, basically,
what we'’re gonna do is

200
00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:53,255
film you putting the presents
under the tree.

201
00:07:53,342 --> 00:07:55,387
Uh, and then I'’ve written
a little something

202
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:56,911
for you to say to Louis.

203
00:07:56,998 --> 00:07:58,260
Let me guess.

204
00:07:58,347 --> 00:08:01,829
"Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas, Louis!"

205
00:08:01,916 --> 00:08:03,570
Oh, that'’s better.

206
00:08:03,657 --> 00:08:04,658
Go with that.

207
00:08:04,745 --> 00:08:06,268
Okay, okay, okay,
and then...

208
00:08:06,355 --> 00:08:08,618
then you'’ll take a
bite of the cookie,

209
00:08:08,705 --> 00:08:11,882
you'’ll crunch the carrot,
you'’ll sip the milk,

210
00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:14,494
wink at the camera, jiggle
your belly and leave.

211
00:08:15,973 --> 00:08:17,584
So it'’s toys,
bite, crunch,

212
00:08:17,671 --> 00:08:19,455
sip, wink,
jiggle, leave.

213
00:08:21,022 --> 00:08:22,893
Toys, bite, crunch, sip,
wink, jiggle, leave.

214
00:08:24,025 --> 00:08:25,113
Got it?

215
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,289
So you want me to be Santa.

216
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:31,162
Toys, bite, crunch, sip,
wink, jiggle, leave.

217
00:08:31,249 --> 00:08:34,426
That sounds a lot like an orgy
I had in Palm Springs once.

218
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:37,429
♪ Men.♪

219
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,823
All right,
let'’s get this stuff wrapped

220
00:08:39,910 --> 00:08:42,870
so we can enjoy this holiday
the way I always imagined.

221
00:08:42,957 --> 00:08:46,787
Listening to Michael Bublé'’s
Christmas album...

222
00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:49,267
with my husband.

223
00:08:49,354 --> 00:08:52,444
Aw, looks like Alan'’s getting
his first gift early.

224
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:55,404
Where'’s the boy'’s bike?

225
00:08:55,491 --> 00:08:57,406
Oh, right here.

226
00:08:59,321 --> 00:09:01,366
That'’s not a boy'’s bike.
That'’s a box.

227
00:09:02,933 --> 00:09:04,674
The boy'’s bike'’s in the box.

228
00:09:04,761 --> 00:09:07,329
Tell me the boy'’s bike
in the box has been built.

229
00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:09,636
Oh, no, they wanted $75
to assemble it.

230
00:09:11,246 --> 00:09:12,813
That'’s like ten pairs of pants.

231
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:15,467
I was paying for it!

232
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,600
Oh, come on.

233
00:09:17,687 --> 00:09:19,559
How hard could it be?

234
00:09:22,257 --> 00:09:24,128
♪ Men.♪

235
00:09:24,215 --> 00:09:25,695
Uh, sorry, looks like
it'’s gonna be

236
00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:27,479
a little longer
than we expected.

237
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,873
Uh, any chance you know how
to put together a bike?

238
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:33,834
Right now, I'’m too buzzed
to have a tool in my hand.

239
00:09:35,749 --> 00:09:38,316
I'’m just buzzed enough
to have a tool in mine.

240
00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:42,582
Well, ho, ho, ho.

241
00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:44,235
Exactly.

242
00:09:44,322 --> 00:09:45,802
Here.

243
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:49,327
Let me get us both
a little more eggnog.

244
00:09:49,414 --> 00:09:53,244
Um, Santa, did you drive your
own sleigh over here tonight?

245
00:09:53,331 --> 00:09:55,986
Nope. Santa Ubered.

246
00:09:58,162 --> 00:10:00,948
Oh, well, uh, hope your driver
was named Rudolph.

247
00:10:01,035 --> 00:10:02,602
[laughs]

248
00:10:02,689 --> 00:10:04,212
Um, so what'’s going on?

249
00:10:04,299 --> 00:10:06,083
Does Santa know you'’re married?

250
00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:09,347
Does the IRS know
you don'’t have five children?

251
00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:13,787
Marty and I have
an open marriage.

252
00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:15,397
And since he'’s 93,

253
00:10:15,484 --> 00:10:18,792
my end opens a little more
frequently than his.

254
00:10:18,879 --> 00:10:21,098
As does your mouth.

255
00:10:21,185 --> 00:10:24,972
That'’s one of the ends
I was talking about.

256
00:10:27,235 --> 00:10:29,063
Here you go.

257
00:10:29,150 --> 00:10:32,675
You'’re running low on eggnog,
so this one is all rum.

258
00:10:32,762 --> 00:10:34,721
[laughs]
Thank you.

259
00:10:34,808 --> 00:10:36,853
You know, this is a situation

260
00:10:36,940 --> 00:10:38,899
where Santa doesn'’t
need a little helper.

261
00:10:40,727 --> 00:10:43,294
So on, Prancer.

262
00:10:43,381 --> 00:10:44,774
Fine.

263
00:10:44,861 --> 00:10:46,733
But just know this:

264
00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:49,692
I am not afraid to give Santa
a negative review on Yelp.

265
00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:53,087
♪ Men.♪

266
00:10:53,174 --> 00:10:55,959
Okay, I can'’t make heads
or tails of these instructions.

267
00:10:56,046 --> 00:10:57,395
They'’re barely in English.

268
00:10:57,482 --> 00:10:59,876
Uh, "The bolts of turning

269
00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:03,575
"shall revolve clockwords

270
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:07,449
as in above figure below."

271
00:11:07,536 --> 00:11:11,105
Does it say anything about
roommate of cheapness shall have

272
00:11:11,192 --> 00:11:14,238
foot inserted
in back hole till tight?

273
00:11:14,325 --> 00:11:15,718
Oh.

274
00:11:15,805 --> 00:11:17,546
I guess on the first day
of Christmas,

275
00:11:17,633 --> 00:11:19,374
my true love threatened me.

276
00:11:19,461 --> 00:11:21,115
I'’m sorry, but it'’s Louis'’s

277
00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:22,594
first Christmas
not in the group home,

278
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,422
and I want it to be perfect.

279
00:11:24,509 --> 00:11:26,120
No Christmas is ever perfect.

280
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:27,774
There'’s always gonna be a toy

281
00:11:27,861 --> 00:11:29,645
that'’s broken
or the wrong kind of batteries.

282
00:11:29,732 --> 00:11:31,299
I mean, even on
the very first Christmas,

283
00:11:31,386 --> 00:11:34,606
Mary and Joseph woke up
to the smell of donkey crap.

284
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,957
I know. I just...

285
00:11:37,044 --> 00:11:38,959
I want him to believe in Santa,

286
00:11:39,046 --> 00:11:40,656
and-and get this bike

287
00:11:40,743 --> 00:11:43,920
and-and wake up to a
winter wonderland.

288
00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:46,183
Not that I ordered
a truckload of snow.

289
00:11:47,663 --> 00:11:49,621
I didn'’t get reindeer!

290
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:52,102
Well, they'’re endangered.

291
00:11:52,189 --> 00:11:55,018
We could still make
Christmas special for Louis.

292
00:11:55,105 --> 00:11:57,281
We just got to finish this bike.
We can do this.

293
00:11:57,368 --> 00:12:00,154
You'’re right. We got
an M.I.T. engineer and a...

294
00:12:00,241 --> 00:12:02,504
formerly board-certified
chiropractor.

295
00:12:02,591 --> 00:12:04,506
Yeah, now we'’re talking.

296
00:12:04,593 --> 00:12:05,986
I mean, this can'’t
be more difficult

297
00:12:06,073 --> 00:12:07,857
than realigning someone'’s spine.[scoffs]

298
00:12:07,944 --> 00:12:09,859
Here.
[chuckles]
You know, you got, uh...

299
00:12:09,946 --> 00:12:12,906
you got your, uh, your L2,
uh, connected to your L3.

300
00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:14,995
[chuckles]
And all we have to do is

301
00:12:15,082 --> 00:12:17,954
put the right pressure
on the right spot and...

302
00:12:21,566 --> 00:12:24,047
Uh, and that is why I am

303
00:12:24,134 --> 00:12:28,008
a formerlyboard-certified
chiropractor.

304
00:12:28,095 --> 00:12:29,357
♪ Men.♪

305
00:12:29,444 --> 00:12:32,099
[bells jingling rhythmically]

306
00:12:32,186 --> 00:12:35,015
EVELYN [moaning]:
Oh, Santa.

307
00:12:35,102 --> 00:12:37,495
[bells jingling faster]

308
00:12:37,582 --> 00:12:39,497
Oh, Santa!

309
00:12:41,412 --> 00:12:43,197
Oh, no.

310
00:12:43,284 --> 00:12:44,502
[bells jingling rapidly]

311
00:12:44,589 --> 00:12:47,505
SANTA:
Here comes Santa Claus!

312
00:12:47,592 --> 00:12:51,335
Here comes
Santa Claus!

313
00:12:51,422 --> 00:12:53,511
♪ Men.♪

314
00:12:57,820 --> 00:12:59,430
♪ Men.♪

315
00:12:59,517 --> 00:13:00,867
Oh, my God.

316
00:13:00,954 --> 00:13:01,998
What happened?

317
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:03,826
I saw Mommy banging Santa Claus.

318
00:13:05,828 --> 00:13:08,831
What?It'’s 1972 all over again.

319
00:13:10,311 --> 00:13:12,139
We have a problem.

320
00:13:12,226 --> 00:13:13,880
Yes, you have a problem.

321
00:13:13,967 --> 00:13:17,100
You are the Christmas whore!

322
00:13:17,187 --> 00:13:20,582
Be that as it may, I think
I killed Santa Claus.

323
00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:23,106
Oh, God!

324
00:13:23,193 --> 00:13:25,108
It'’s exactly like 1972!

325
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:28,546
♪ Men.♪

326
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:30,113
Is he gonna be okay?

327
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,854
Yeah, It was just
atrial fibrillation.

328
00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:33,943
He just needs some medication
and a few days rest.

329
00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:37,381
You hear that, sweetheart?
I'’ll be fine by New Year'’s.

330
00:13:37,468 --> 00:13:39,862
I'’ll be counting down
till the balls drop.

331
00:13:43,213 --> 00:13:45,259
Well, thank God Louis
didn'’t see any of this.

332
00:13:45,346 --> 00:13:46,738
He would'’ve been
traumatized.

333
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:49,176
Louis? What about me?

334
00:13:49,263 --> 00:13:51,874
The man almost died
while he was having sex with me.

335
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:55,269
That'’s not easy to get over.

336
00:13:55,356 --> 00:13:57,793
No matter how many times
it happens.

337
00:13:59,534 --> 00:14:01,710
Okay, well, all right,
well, there you have it.

338
00:14:01,797 --> 00:14:03,712
Merry Christmas, Louis.

339
00:14:03,799 --> 00:14:07,411
Your grandmother banged Santa
within an inch of his life.

340
00:14:07,498 --> 00:14:09,936
Here'’s half a bike!

341
00:14:10,023 --> 00:14:11,633
W-We can salvage this.

342
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,504
There'’s still enough time
to-to finish the bike,

343
00:14:13,591 --> 00:14:15,680
wrap the other gifts
and get them under the tree.

344
00:14:15,767 --> 00:14:17,726
Okay, you'’re right.

345
00:14:17,813 --> 00:14:20,685
Louis will be asleep
for six more hours.

346
00:14:20,772 --> 00:14:22,296
LOUIS:
Walden?

347
00:14:22,383 --> 00:14:24,646
Oh, come on!

348
00:14:24,733 --> 00:14:27,040
I heard a noise. Did Santa come?

349
00:14:27,127 --> 00:14:28,476
Sadly, no.

350
00:14:30,391 --> 00:14:33,089
♪ Men.♪

351
00:14:33,176 --> 00:14:35,091
All right.

352
00:14:35,178 --> 00:14:36,440
Where'’s Evelyn?

353
00:14:36,527 --> 00:14:38,790
Oh, well, uh...

354
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:41,793
she went to her house
to play with...

355
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,099
her toys.

356
00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:45,188
All right, time for bed, bud.

357
00:14:45,275 --> 00:14:46,711
That'’s right.
Santa'’s on his way.All right.

358
00:14:46,798 --> 00:14:48,844
If Santa is real,

359
00:14:48,931 --> 00:14:51,455
then how does he get in all
the kids'’ houses in one night?

360
00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:54,850
Well, he'’s got
Christmas magic.

361
00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:57,200
And how does he know
where everybody lives?

362
00:14:57,287 --> 00:15:01,335
Well... that'’s the magic
of Google Maps.

363
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:02,989
All right.

364
00:15:03,076 --> 00:15:05,556
Good night, buddy.
Time to go to sleep.

365
00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:07,950
Can you guys stay with me
till I fall asleep?

366
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,475
Sure.
Yeah.

367
00:15:11,562 --> 00:15:15,175
It'’s not like we need to help
Santa assemble toys.

368
00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:19,614
He pays his elves
$75 to do that.

369
00:15:21,746 --> 00:15:23,531
That'’s Timothy'’s spot.

370
00:15:23,618 --> 00:15:25,141
Oh, oh, okay.

371
00:15:25,228 --> 00:15:26,186
Um...

372
00:15:26,273 --> 00:15:28,144
I guess, uh...

373
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,417
Good boy.

374
00:15:42,506 --> 00:15:44,421
♪ Men.♪

375
00:15:48,512 --> 00:15:49,861
Alan?

376
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,124
Mm-hmm?

377
00:15:52,864 --> 00:15:54,388
Oh, oh, my God!

378
00:15:54,475 --> 00:15:55,867
Oh, don'’t flatter yourself.

379
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,392
I get one every morning.

380
00:15:58,479 --> 00:15:59,654
Where'’s Louis?

381
00:15:59,741 --> 00:16:01,090
Hmm?

382
00:16:01,177 --> 00:16:02,396
It'’s 7:00.
We fell asleep.

383
00:16:02,483 --> 00:16:04,180
Oh, crap. Th-The bike.

384
00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:05,921
The presents.
What are we gonna do?

385
00:16:06,008 --> 00:16:08,706
Well, is it too late to
tell him we'’re Jewish?

386
00:16:10,621 --> 00:16:12,580
What the...

387
00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:14,886
Santa came! He is real!

388
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,236
Did you...?

389
00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:17,541
No.

390
00:16:17,628 --> 00:16:19,195
He'’s on the video.

391
00:16:21,458 --> 00:16:26,246
You didn'’t see Grandma Evelyn
wrestling with Santa, did you?

392
00:16:26,333 --> 00:16:28,857
No, just Santa.

393
00:16:28,944 --> 00:16:30,902
ALAN:
That'’s...

394
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,383
Santa.

395
00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:34,732
Oh, my God.

396
00:16:34,819 --> 00:16:36,952
If the Easy Bake Oven
I have always wanted

397
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:40,216
is under that tree,
it is gonna blow my mind.

398
00:16:40,303 --> 00:16:42,175
Can I go outside
and ride my bike?

399
00:16:42,262 --> 00:16:44,264
Sure.

400
00:16:44,351 --> 00:16:45,743
Alan, do you
want to...?

401
00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:47,093
Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

402
00:16:47,180 --> 00:16:49,443
Uh, let'’s go, buddy.
[chuckles]

403
00:16:49,530 --> 00:16:51,445
Looks like we had
a great Christmas

404
00:16:51,532 --> 00:16:53,403
and saved $75.

405
00:17:09,506 --> 00:17:11,987
Rose?

406
00:17:12,074 --> 00:17:14,294
All right, come on, Rose,
I know you'’re down there.

407
00:17:14,381 --> 00:17:15,425
Actually, I'’m
behind you.

408
00:17:15,512 --> 00:17:16,861
Ah, son of a...!

409
00:17:16,948 --> 00:17:19,560
How do you do that?

410
00:17:19,647 --> 00:17:21,214
Whydo you do that?!

411
00:17:21,301 --> 00:17:23,825
Oh, a girl'’s got to have
a little fun.

412
00:17:23,912 --> 00:17:25,696
Merry Christmas.

413
00:17:25,783 --> 00:17:28,830
I-I cannot believe that you
went to all that trouble for us.

414
00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:32,051
You mean you can'’t believe
Santa went to all that trouble.

415
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:34,270
Okay, then I guess

416
00:17:34,357 --> 00:17:37,317
I need to say
thank you to Santa.

417
00:17:37,404 --> 00:17:39,319
Well, he doesn'’t
do it for the thanks,

418
00:17:39,406 --> 00:17:40,972
he does it because
he genuinely wants

419
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,974
to make the people
in his life happy.

420
00:17:44,237 --> 00:17:45,412
Are you happy, Walden?

421
00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:47,414
I am.

422
00:17:47,501 --> 00:17:50,373
I-I couldn'’t have imagined
a better Christmas morning.

423
00:17:50,460 --> 00:17:54,160
I mean, other than waking up
with Alan poking me in the back.

424
00:17:54,247 --> 00:17:56,466
Listen, I...

425
00:17:56,553 --> 00:17:59,948
I'’m sorry that I said
I didn'’t want you around.

426
00:18:00,035 --> 00:18:01,515
Oh, please.

427
00:18:01,602 --> 00:18:03,430
It'’s not like every time
somebody says

428
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:05,823
something mean to me, I write
it down in a big book called

429
00:18:05,910 --> 00:18:08,304
"Those Who Have Wronged Me."
[chuckles]

430
00:18:08,391 --> 00:18:10,132
That'’s funny.

431
00:18:10,219 --> 00:18:11,960
I think.

432
00:18:12,047 --> 00:18:16,399
Well, I told you before,
I just want to be your friend.

433
00:18:16,486 --> 00:18:18,401
Well, you are.

434
00:18:18,488 --> 00:18:20,229
And...

435
00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:22,188
I'’m sorry if I forgot that.

436
00:18:22,275 --> 00:18:23,928
Oh.

437
00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:25,713
[chuckles]

438
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,715
Oh, hey, but how did Santa

439
00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:29,847
manage to put
that bike together?

440
00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:32,763
The instructions couldn'’t
have been any clearer.

441
00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:34,983
"The bolts of turning
shall revolve clockwords

442
00:18:35,070 --> 00:18:36,680
as in above figure below."

443
00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:38,900
[chuckles]
Duh.

444
00:18:38,987 --> 00:18:42,599
Yeah. Duh.

445
00:18:42,686 --> 00:18:44,819
Do you guys have
big plans for later?

446
00:18:44,906 --> 00:18:46,777
Uh, no, just the usual.

447
00:18:46,864 --> 00:18:49,084
Open gifts, call family,

448
00:18:49,171 --> 00:18:51,130
hope that you get
their voice mail.

449
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:53,480
Oh, the best part is
Alan'’s gonna deep-fry a turkey,

450
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:56,309
so there'’s a 50/50 chance
he'’ll catch himself on fire.

451
00:18:56,396 --> 00:18:58,267
Oh, I got you guys

452
00:18:58,354 --> 00:19:01,270
a little something
for the house.

453
00:19:01,357 --> 00:19:02,967
And I hope that every time
you look at it,

454
00:19:03,054 --> 00:19:04,186
you'’ll think of me.

455
00:19:04,273 --> 00:19:05,883
[chuckles]

456
00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:08,669
Oh! A cuckoo clock.

457
00:19:08,756 --> 00:19:10,410
I get it. '’Cause you'’re...

458
00:19:10,497 --> 00:19:11,411
[whistles]

459
00:19:11,498 --> 00:19:12,455
[chuckles]

460
00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:13,630
What?

461
00:19:14,979 --> 00:19:16,938
No.

462
00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:19,027
Because it'’s red like a rose.

463
00:19:20,550 --> 00:19:22,161
How could you
hurt me on Christmas?

464
00:19:22,248 --> 00:19:24,119
I'’m sorry. I-I...

465
00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:26,165
I thought it was...Oh, I'’m just kidding.

466
00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:29,037
No, it'’s totally
'’cause I'’m cuckoo.

467
00:19:30,386 --> 00:19:32,475
Well, Merry Christmas, Walden.

468
00:19:36,566 --> 00:19:38,438
Merry Christmas, Rose.

469
00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:41,963
[clock chiming, cuckooing]

470
00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:44,008
[laughs]

471
00:19:44,095 --> 00:19:47,273
How cute is that?
It'’s a tiny Rose.

472
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:50,580
Wait, is that her real hair?

473
00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:52,582
ROSE:
No, it'’s yours.

474
00:19:52,669 --> 00:19:54,323
♪ Men.♪

475
00:19:58,588 --> 00:20:00,590
♪ You better watch out,
you better not cry ♪

476
00:20:00,677 --> 00:20:02,636
♪ You better not pout... You know,

477
00:20:02,723 --> 00:20:05,421
this is what Christmas
is all about.

478
00:20:05,508 --> 00:20:08,859
Family, Bublé,

479
00:20:08,946 --> 00:20:11,862
deep-fried turkey.

480
00:20:11,949 --> 00:20:13,560
Life is good, Alan.

481
00:20:13,647 --> 00:20:15,518
Hmm. It is.

482
00:20:23,178 --> 00:20:25,049
Um, can you cut mine for me?

483
00:20:25,136 --> 00:20:27,051
Deep-fried fingers.

484
00:20:30,316 --> 00:20:31,708
[clock chiming, cuckooing]

485
00:20:35,886 --> 00:20:37,758
That was sweet of Rose.Yeah.

486
00:20:37,845 --> 00:20:40,021
You know, I-I'’ve always
been so cynical of her.

487
00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:42,806
Maybe she does just want
to be friends, you know?

488
00:20:42,893 --> 00:20:44,678
♪ Now, he sees you
when you'’re sleeping... ♪