1 00:00:03,220 --> 00:00:05,135 Ugh. 2 00:00:05,222 --> 00:00:06,963 How is it possible 3 00:00:07,050 --> 00:00:09,400 that kids weigh twice as much when they'’re asleep? 4 00:00:09,487 --> 00:00:11,098 I know. 5 00:00:11,185 --> 00:00:12,969 And he should weigh less after his little mishap 6 00:00:13,056 --> 00:00:14,579 on the spinning teacups. 7 00:00:14,666 --> 00:00:16,625 Yeah. 8 00:00:16,712 --> 00:00:18,931 Felt bad for that girl in the Cinderella costume 9 00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:20,803 in the cup behind us. 10 00:00:20,890 --> 00:00:23,806 She was right in the splash zone. 11 00:00:23,893 --> 00:00:25,764 [groans] I'’m exhausted. 12 00:00:25,851 --> 00:00:27,549 Me, too. 13 00:00:27,636 --> 00:00:30,508 I'’m also sticky and dirty and sweaty and slimy. 14 00:00:30,595 --> 00:00:33,859 I'’m like the seven dwarfs of disgusting. 15 00:00:33,946 --> 00:00:36,471 Ugh, I should not have eaten that funnel cake. 16 00:00:36,558 --> 00:00:37,994 [groans] 17 00:00:38,081 --> 00:00:39,691 Well, I see your funnel cake 18 00:00:39,778 --> 00:00:43,782 and raise you a deep-fried Snickers stuffed into a Twinkie. 19 00:00:43,869 --> 00:00:46,655 I think I blacked out briefly. 20 00:00:46,742 --> 00:00:48,657 [both groaning] 21 00:00:50,615 --> 00:00:53,314 Is being a dad always this tiring? 22 00:00:53,401 --> 00:00:56,969 These are the best moments of your life. 23 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,711 And they are over so fast. 24 00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:01,583 Seems like only yesterday, 25 00:01:01,670 --> 00:01:05,021 Jake was holding my hand in the haunted house. 26 00:01:05,108 --> 00:01:08,720 Now he'’s half a world away in the army, 27 00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:11,680 wondering if a "dishonorable discharge" is something you get 28 00:01:11,767 --> 00:01:13,029 from a dirty geisha. 29 00:01:13,116 --> 00:01:15,031 So sweet. 30 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:25,955 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 31 00:01:26,042 --> 00:01:28,523 ♪ Ah. ♪ Men. ♪ Men. 32 00:01:33,223 --> 00:01:35,791 ♪ Men.♪ 33 00:01:35,878 --> 00:01:36,966 Walden? 34 00:01:37,053 --> 00:01:39,751 What? 35 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,189 What do you want? 36 00:01:42,276 --> 00:01:43,625 Are you asleep? 37 00:01:43,712 --> 00:01:46,367 [whines]: Yes. 38 00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:49,718 That'’s what people do at... 39 00:01:49,805 --> 00:01:53,287 5:30 in the morning. 40 00:01:53,374 --> 00:01:55,767 Is it okay if I can make breakfast? 41 00:01:55,854 --> 00:01:57,029 Sure. 42 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,335 Thanks. 43 00:02:01,730 --> 00:02:03,384 Walden? 44 00:02:03,471 --> 00:02:06,909 Walden'’s not here, please leave a message. 45 00:02:06,996 --> 00:02:09,172 How do you like your pancakes? 46 00:02:09,259 --> 00:02:11,174 Quietly. 47 00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:14,525 In three hours. 48 00:02:14,612 --> 00:02:16,832 With blueberries. 49 00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:18,573 Okay, I'’ll go make them. 50 00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:23,795 Oh, God. 51 00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:26,494 Flames. 52 00:02:26,581 --> 00:02:28,496 ♪ Men.♪ 53 00:02:28,583 --> 00:02:30,411 Walden? 54 00:02:30,498 --> 00:02:32,369 Ready or not, here I come. 55 00:02:32,456 --> 00:02:34,284 What? 56 00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:36,765 Louis and I, we'’re playing hide and seek. 57 00:02:36,852 --> 00:02:38,593 He'’s under his bed, hiding 58 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:41,596 and I'’m in the kitchen, seeking sleep. 59 00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:43,250 I hear ya. 60 00:02:43,337 --> 00:02:45,904 I barely got my eight hours. 61 00:02:45,991 --> 00:02:47,776 I don'’t know if I can handle this. 62 00:02:47,863 --> 00:02:49,778 Little boys have a lot of energy. 63 00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:51,388 They'’re like cute little crackheads. 64 00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:54,391 Except crackheads have better toilet aim. 65 00:02:54,478 --> 00:02:56,741 No, no, this isn'’t about being tired. 66 00:02:56,828 --> 00:02:59,614 I just, I don'’t know if I'’m cut out to be a dad. 67 00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:00,963 Hey, I didn'’t think I could live 68 00:03:01,050 --> 00:03:02,269 in a Malibu beach house for free, 69 00:03:02,356 --> 00:03:04,662 but I figured it out. 70 00:03:04,749 --> 00:03:07,317 Well, I don'’t know if I can figure this out. 71 00:03:07,404 --> 00:03:08,971 I mean, th-this kid has bounced around 72 00:03:09,058 --> 00:03:11,278 the foster care system his whole life. 73 00:03:11,365 --> 00:03:13,062 I mean, I-I don'’t know what he needs. 74 00:03:13,149 --> 00:03:14,411 I mean, does he need structure? 75 00:03:14,498 --> 00:03:15,412 Does he need freedom? 76 00:03:15,499 --> 00:03:18,372 Does he need medication? 77 00:03:18,459 --> 00:03:21,984 I should have asked that before they dropped him off. 78 00:03:22,071 --> 00:03:24,247 All he needs is your love and support. 79 00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:25,770 [imitates Alan mockingly] 80 00:03:25,857 --> 00:03:27,598 That'’s a bunch of crap. 81 00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:29,948 Walden, every parent goes through this. 82 00:03:30,035 --> 00:03:31,950 B-But you'’re actually doing a great job. 83 00:03:32,037 --> 00:03:34,953 You'’re just overwhelmed because this is all so new, 84 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,304 a-and you'’re trying to be everything to him all the time. 85 00:03:37,391 --> 00:03:38,957 You know, full-time dad, full-time playmate. 86 00:03:39,044 --> 00:03:40,481 You have to give yourself a break. 87 00:03:40,568 --> 00:03:41,482 How? 88 00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:42,831 He'’s 24-7. 89 00:03:42,918 --> 00:03:45,529 He'’s like the Energizer bunny. 90 00:03:45,616 --> 00:03:47,836 You know why you never met the Energizer bunny'’s dad? 91 00:03:47,923 --> 00:03:50,012 '’Cause one night, he went out for cigarettes, 92 00:03:50,099 --> 00:03:53,537 and he just kept going and going and going. 93 00:03:53,624 --> 00:03:56,714 One thing that'’ll help is getting Louis some friends. 94 00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:58,325 Playdates. 95 00:03:58,412 --> 00:03:59,761 They chase each other around for hours, 96 00:03:59,848 --> 00:04:01,763 eventually they pass out like work dogs. 97 00:04:01,850 --> 00:04:04,113 Kid'’ll be in bed by 8:00, 98 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:05,767 then it'’s you, me, a bowl of popcorn 99 00:04:05,854 --> 00:04:07,812 and binge-watching The Good Wife. 100 00:04:07,899 --> 00:04:09,510 Okay, so what? 101 00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:11,468 So, I just... I'’ll just Google a place 102 00:04:11,555 --> 00:04:13,644 to meet a fun cute six-year-old. 103 00:04:13,731 --> 00:04:15,124 Oh, yeah. No. 104 00:04:15,211 --> 00:04:17,779 I heard it when I said it. 105 00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:20,434 ♪ Men.♪ 106 00:04:20,521 --> 00:04:22,131 Uh, this place is awesome. 107 00:04:22,218 --> 00:04:24,176 They have a rock wall. 108 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,048 Will you climb it with me? 109 00:04:26,135 --> 00:04:29,530 Oh, buddy, you know, the whole idea is for you to come here 110 00:04:29,617 --> 00:04:31,009 and meet all these other kids. 111 00:04:31,096 --> 00:04:32,315 No, just you and me. 112 00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:33,316 Please? 113 00:04:33,403 --> 00:04:34,448 Oh. 114 00:04:34,535 --> 00:04:36,885 All right, I mean, come on. 115 00:04:36,972 --> 00:04:39,583 How do you say no to those eyes?I hear ya. 116 00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:41,585 Oh, uh, hey, can I have some money for the snack bar? 117 00:04:41,672 --> 00:04:43,631 Please? No. 118 00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:45,589 It'’s not my fault you already spent all your allowance. 119 00:04:52,422 --> 00:04:54,032 Room for one more? 120 00:04:54,119 --> 00:04:55,207 Absolutely. 121 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:56,774 Care for a juice box? 122 00:04:56,861 --> 00:04:59,342 We have cherry, grape and Chardonnay. 123 00:04:59,429 --> 00:05:02,867 Well, what else can I say except, "chardonn-yay." 124 00:05:02,954 --> 00:05:05,174 Uh, I am Alan. 125 00:05:05,261 --> 00:05:07,219 Uh, that'’s Louis over there, he'’s mine. 126 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,744 I'’m Danielle, and that'’s my daughter in the water wings. 127 00:05:09,831 --> 00:05:11,876 Oh, is there a pool here?No. 128 00:05:11,963 --> 00:05:14,183 At some point, you just pick your battles. 129 00:05:15,489 --> 00:05:17,142 I'’m Laurel, this is Julie. 130 00:05:18,753 --> 00:05:21,103 Oh, hot dad on the rock wall. 131 00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:23,932 I claim this as Mount Louis! 132 00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:26,891 Wow, he'’s really cute. 133 00:05:26,978 --> 00:05:28,066 Big time. 134 00:05:28,153 --> 00:05:29,329 Sorry, ladies. 135 00:05:29,416 --> 00:05:30,547 He'’s taken. 136 00:05:30,634 --> 00:05:32,201 No kidding? Good for you. 137 00:05:32,288 --> 00:05:34,203 How'’d you snag him? 138 00:05:34,290 --> 00:05:37,337 I met him at a low point in his life, and I took care of him. 139 00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,251 And he'’s been taking care of me every day since. 140 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,732 [oohing, giggling] 141 00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:43,560 That'’s the kind of man I need. 142 00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:45,519 No, that'’s the kind of man I need. 143 00:05:45,606 --> 00:05:46,694 You'’re married. 144 00:05:46,781 --> 00:05:48,391 Yeah, to Roger. 145 00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:50,350 He hasn'’t screwed me since the prenup. 146 00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:52,308 BOTH: Classic Julie. 147 00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:55,790 Oh, this is so Sex and the City right now. 148 00:05:55,877 --> 00:05:57,966 Alan, do we have any wipes? 149 00:05:58,053 --> 00:06:00,229 The kid above me dripped something on my face. 150 00:06:00,316 --> 00:06:02,449 The best-case scenario is snot. 151 00:06:02,536 --> 00:06:03,798 Here, I'’ve got some. 152 00:06:03,885 --> 00:06:05,756 Oh, thank you. 153 00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:08,063 Walden, this is, uh, Laurel, Danielle and Julie. 154 00:06:08,150 --> 00:06:09,630 The ladies, the gals. 155 00:06:09,717 --> 00:06:11,371 The juice box heroes. 156 00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:12,284 Hi. 157 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:13,285 Hello. 158 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:14,765 Hi, nice to meet you all. 159 00:06:14,852 --> 00:06:16,114 Your son is adorable. 160 00:06:16,201 --> 00:06:18,987 I'’m his husband, silly. 161 00:06:19,074 --> 00:06:20,467 So, uh, which one'’s yours? 162 00:06:20,554 --> 00:06:21,772 My daughter, Lily, 163 00:06:21,859 --> 00:06:23,426 is the one licking that little boy. 164 00:06:23,513 --> 00:06:25,950 Sweetie, we don'’t lick strangers! 165 00:06:26,037 --> 00:06:28,300 Oh, and I thought we were gonna be friends. 166 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:29,737 All right. 167 00:06:29,824 --> 00:06:32,261 I'’m headed to the ball pit. 168 00:06:32,348 --> 00:06:35,220 Same thing he said as he dove under the covers last night. 169 00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:36,396 Boing. 170 00:06:38,876 --> 00:06:41,009 ♪ Men.♪ 171 00:06:41,096 --> 00:06:42,793 Thanks for having us. 172 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,796 I got to say, this is a great spot for a playdate. 173 00:06:45,883 --> 00:06:47,450 This view is amazing. 174 00:06:47,537 --> 00:06:50,671 Yes. Yes, it is. 175 00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:52,673 You know, I used to walk by houses like this 176 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:54,501 and think the people on the decks were just looking 177 00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:57,155 down their noses at everyone, feeling all superior. 178 00:06:57,242 --> 00:06:58,635 Now I know it'’s true. 179 00:07:00,028 --> 00:07:01,333 Roger sold our beach house 180 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,944 '’cause he said we never used it. 181 00:07:03,031 --> 00:07:05,512 Using that logic, we should sell his penis. 182 00:07:05,599 --> 00:07:07,514 [laughs] 183 00:07:07,601 --> 00:07:09,559 Classic Julie. 184 00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:11,474 Hey, w-we should make this a regular thing. 185 00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:13,389 [thudding, shattering] 186 00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:15,826 Oh. Yeah, next time we'’ll do it at one of your houses. 187 00:07:17,306 --> 00:07:19,177 Hey, uh, Louis, is everything okay? 188 00:07:19,264 --> 00:07:20,701 Over. 189 00:07:20,788 --> 00:07:23,704 LOUIS: Lego tower fell over. 190 00:07:23,791 --> 00:07:25,357 Uh, you didn'’t say "over." 191 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,055 Over. 192 00:07:27,142 --> 00:07:29,013 I said the Lego tower fell over. 193 00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:30,362 Over. 194 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,843 You'’re so good with him. Over. 195 00:07:32,930 --> 00:07:36,499 Actually, I-I feel like I have no idea what I'’m doing. 196 00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:37,848 Join the club. 197 00:07:37,935 --> 00:07:39,676 Parenting'’s like a yoga class. 198 00:07:39,763 --> 00:07:41,373 You just do what everybody else is doing 199 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:42,984 and try not to laugh when someone farts. 200 00:07:46,117 --> 00:07:48,903 Okay, so all the kids are playing in Louis'’ room. 201 00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:50,861 Well, technically, three of them are playing together, 202 00:07:50,948 --> 00:07:53,037 and Louis is in the corner, coloring by himself. 203 00:07:53,124 --> 00:07:54,604 That'’s perfectly normal. 204 00:07:54,691 --> 00:07:56,650 The parenting books call it "parallel play." 205 00:07:56,737 --> 00:07:58,521 Oh, that'’s good to know. 206 00:07:58,608 --> 00:08:00,436 So, in high school, I wasn'’t such a weirdo. 207 00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:03,483 I was just a parallel player. 208 00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:06,181 My sex life with my first wife was a lot of parallel play. 209 00:08:07,269 --> 00:08:08,575 Just give Louis time. 210 00:08:08,662 --> 00:08:10,054 Remember, this is all new for him. 211 00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:11,926 Kind of like learning on my honeymoon 212 00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:14,232 that I wasn'’t going to have sex was all new for me. 213 00:08:14,319 --> 00:08:16,104 You know, I just want him to have friends. 214 00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:18,367 You know, like a couple girls, and a couple boys. 215 00:08:18,454 --> 00:08:20,064 He'’s gonna be fine. 216 00:08:20,151 --> 00:08:21,979 In the meantime, Ihave made some friends 217 00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:24,634 who have welcomed me into the secret world of women. 218 00:08:24,721 --> 00:08:26,462 I am this close to discovering everything about them. 219 00:08:26,549 --> 00:08:28,725 What they like, what they don'’t like. 220 00:08:28,812 --> 00:08:31,119 And where they don'’t like it. 221 00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:33,774 We'’re supposed to be here helping Louis make friends. 222 00:08:33,861 --> 00:08:35,819 Oh, please, I see how you look at Laurel. 223 00:08:35,906 --> 00:08:38,430 It'’s the same way I look at a five dollar bill in a tip jar 224 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,128 I think I can swap out for a single. 225 00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:42,130 Okay, what are you talking about? 226 00:08:42,217 --> 00:08:44,306 That is Louis'’ friend'’s mom. 227 00:08:44,393 --> 00:08:46,482 And, yes, we get along great. 228 00:08:46,569 --> 00:08:48,310 And, yes, she'’s pretty and nice. 229 00:08:48,397 --> 00:08:50,442 And, yes, she used to be a gymnast and can still 230 00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:51,618 put her legs behind her head. 231 00:08:51,705 --> 00:08:53,228 And she is out there. 232 00:08:53,315 --> 00:08:55,839 So why am I still standing here, talking to you? 233 00:08:55,926 --> 00:08:58,755 I can put my legs behind my head, but you'’ll never see it. 234 00:09:01,105 --> 00:09:03,064 ♪ Men.♪ 235 00:09:03,151 --> 00:09:04,544 He was a really nice guy, Mm-hmm. 236 00:09:04,631 --> 00:09:05,980 and I liked hanging out with him, 237 00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:07,416 but when we got to the bedroom, 238 00:09:07,503 --> 00:09:09,461 he was just, well... 239 00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,552 If he were a candy bar, he'’d be the fun size. 240 00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:14,554 There'’s nothing fun about that. 241 00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:18,079 Yeah, nothing worse than a small penis. 242 00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:20,037 But, seriously, how small is too small? 243 00:09:21,386 --> 00:09:22,823 Alan, you are a riot. 244 00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:24,825 We should hang out with you more often. 245 00:09:24,912 --> 00:09:27,001 Hey, what do you say, we all go out 246 00:09:27,088 --> 00:09:28,350 this Saturday for a girls night? 247 00:09:28,437 --> 00:09:30,265 You know, get a limo, go out dancing, 248 00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:31,919 wear our sluttiest outfits. 249 00:09:32,006 --> 00:09:34,356 Julie, you can wear what you'’re wearing now. 250 00:09:34,443 --> 00:09:36,967 Uh, I'’m bad. 251 00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:38,578 Should we go check on the kids? 252 00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:40,797 Are you kidding? 253 00:09:40,884 --> 00:09:43,452 They'’re set up with pizza, popsicles and The Lego Movie. 254 00:09:43,539 --> 00:09:44,801 For the next two hours, 255 00:09:44,888 --> 00:09:46,716 ♪ Everything is awesome. 256 00:09:46,803 --> 00:09:49,719 Yeah, I'’ve seen that movie, like, five times. 257 00:09:49,806 --> 00:09:51,982 I should really watch it with Louis at some point. 258 00:09:52,069 --> 00:09:53,593 I haven'’t seen a movie 259 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,160 that wasn'’t for a kid in forever. 260 00:09:56,247 --> 00:09:58,162 The other night I actually had a sex dream 261 00:09:58,249 --> 00:09:59,686 about an animated character. 262 00:09:59,773 --> 00:10:02,166 Whoa... 263 00:10:02,253 --> 00:10:03,211 Prince Charming? 264 00:10:03,298 --> 00:10:05,909 The old guy from Up. 265 00:10:08,303 --> 00:10:11,262 And, sadly, it was the only sex I'’ve had in two years. 266 00:10:11,349 --> 00:10:13,613 Well, if it meant a whole night'’s sleep, 267 00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:17,268 I'’d have sex with an animated Ed Asner, too. 268 00:10:17,355 --> 00:10:18,748 You think you'’re tired now. 269 00:10:18,835 --> 00:10:20,794 You missed the hardest years. 270 00:10:20,881 --> 00:10:23,971 The-the... the picky eating, the tantrums, the bed-wetting. 271 00:10:24,058 --> 00:10:26,974 Okay, to be fair, I get all of that with Alan. 272 00:10:28,715 --> 00:10:30,934 You guys are a great team.Hmm. 273 00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:32,544 The only thing my ex would help with 274 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,546 was driving the babysitter home. 275 00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,200 She'’d have the kids in bed by 8:00 276 00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:38,202 and my husband in bed by 10:00. 277 00:10:38,289 --> 00:10:40,944 Oh... that'’s horrible. 278 00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:42,598 Is she a good sitter? '’Cause we'’re looking. 279 00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:44,556 Sorry. 280 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,255 Without that jerk of an ex, 281 00:10:47,342 --> 00:10:49,039 I wouldn'’t have Lily, 282 00:10:49,126 --> 00:10:51,259 and even at six years old, she'’s my best friend. 283 00:10:51,346 --> 00:10:53,522 I hope I get there with Louis at some point. 284 00:10:53,609 --> 00:10:54,958 You'’ll get there. 285 00:10:55,045 --> 00:10:56,699 I hope I stay there with Lily. 286 00:10:56,786 --> 00:10:58,570 I'’m afraid that by the time she'’s a teenager, 287 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,094 she'’ll be like, "Mom, you'’re 100! 288 00:11:00,181 --> 00:11:02,139 Nobody believes I'’m your sister!" 289 00:11:02,226 --> 00:11:04,185 Okay, how could anyone say that 290 00:11:04,272 --> 00:11:07,579 about someone as pretty, smart and flexible as you? 291 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,277 [laughs] 292 00:11:09,364 --> 00:11:10,800 You'’re so sweet. 293 00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:12,541 You don'’t happen to know 294 00:11:12,628 --> 00:11:15,283 of a single, straight version of you, do you? 295 00:11:15,370 --> 00:11:17,938 I used to know one. 296 00:11:18,025 --> 00:11:19,983 Are you looking for a date? 297 00:11:20,070 --> 00:11:22,333 I told you, it'’s been over two years. 298 00:11:22,420 --> 00:11:24,292 I need a lot more than a date. 299 00:11:31,038 --> 00:11:32,996 ♪ Popsicles are awesome! 300 00:11:34,737 --> 00:11:37,174 Okay, I'’m gonna go check on the kids. 301 00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:40,047 I'’m gonna wait here for a bit. 302 00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:41,613 ♪ Men.♪ 303 00:11:46,357 --> 00:11:47,532 ♪ Men.♪ 304 00:11:47,619 --> 00:11:48,795 Hope you are ready to go. 305 00:11:48,882 --> 00:11:49,883 The ladies just Instagrammed 306 00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:51,275 a selfie from the limo. 307 00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:54,322 #GirlsNightOut is on like Chaka Khan! 308 00:11:54,409 --> 00:11:56,672 All right, Louis is eating his dinner. 309 00:11:56,759 --> 00:11:58,326 WALDEN: Oh, great. 310 00:11:58,413 --> 00:12:00,894 Hey, thank you again for watching him tonight. 311 00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:02,460 And if anything comes up-- 312 00:12:02,547 --> 00:12:04,201 and I mean anything at all-- you call my cell. 313 00:12:04,288 --> 00:12:05,420 Got it. 314 00:12:05,507 --> 00:12:07,161 Oh, if he wants to play a game, 315 00:12:07,248 --> 00:12:08,684 he likes Chutes and Ladders. 316 00:12:08,771 --> 00:12:10,077 And if he want to watch a cartoon, 317 00:12:10,164 --> 00:12:11,948 he likes Phineas and Ferb. 318 00:12:12,035 --> 00:12:14,777 And who does he like in the Cardinals-Rams game tonight? 319 00:12:14,864 --> 00:12:16,561 I know I'’m being a little bit crazy, 320 00:12:16,648 --> 00:12:18,346 but this is the first time I'’ve left him alone. 321 00:12:18,433 --> 00:12:20,783 Relax, I had five kids, 322 00:12:20,870 --> 00:12:23,568 12 grandkids and four great-grandkids. 323 00:12:23,655 --> 00:12:25,875 I'’ve done it all. 324 00:12:25,962 --> 00:12:29,444 Except teach them about birth control. 325 00:12:29,531 --> 00:12:31,489 I don'’t feel good. 326 00:12:31,576 --> 00:12:33,317 Oh, no. What'’s the matter? 327 00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:34,797 I just threw up. 328 00:12:34,884 --> 00:12:37,365 Oh, no. Oh... yep. 329 00:12:37,452 --> 00:12:39,280 He'’s got a fever.[sighs] 330 00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:41,151 I'’ll bet it was that snot-nosed kid on the rock wall. 331 00:12:41,238 --> 00:12:43,197 Typhoid Tyler.Yeah. 332 00:12:43,284 --> 00:12:44,633 I got this. 333 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:47,288 I worked for Charlie for ten years. 334 00:12:47,375 --> 00:12:49,856 I know vomit. 335 00:12:49,943 --> 00:12:53,120 Cleaning it up and inducing it. 336 00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:55,600 I never threw up SpaghettiOs before. 337 00:12:55,687 --> 00:12:57,298 It'’s kind of fun. Oh... 338 00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:58,647 [Berta laughs] 339 00:12:58,734 --> 00:13:00,214 Should we go to the doctor? 340 00:13:00,301 --> 00:13:02,216 Oh, no, no. I'’m sure it'’s just a tummy ache. 341 00:13:02,303 --> 00:13:04,392 I'’ll text the girls and let '’em know we can'’t make it. 342 00:13:04,479 --> 00:13:06,133 Oh, no. Come on. You go. 343 00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:07,743 You sure? 344 00:13:07,830 --> 00:13:09,832 Yeah, come on, this is what a parent does. 345 00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:11,138 This is what I signed up for. 346 00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:12,226 Besides, you took a half an hour 347 00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:13,793 getting into those Spanx. 348 00:13:15,229 --> 00:13:17,057 All right. Sorry. 349 00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:18,928 Um... I'’ll send pictures. 350 00:13:19,015 --> 00:13:20,321 Danielle said that if I get her drunk enough 351 00:13:20,408 --> 00:13:22,149 she'’ll show me her tattoos. 352 00:13:22,236 --> 00:13:25,065 Uh, she'’s got a bird on her hand and two in her... 353 00:13:25,152 --> 00:13:27,981 ♪ Men.♪ 354 00:13:28,068 --> 00:13:29,634 Walden... 355 00:13:29,721 --> 00:13:31,245 I'’m sorry I got sick. 356 00:13:31,332 --> 00:13:32,637 What? Come on, man. 357 00:13:32,724 --> 00:13:33,638 Don'’t be sorry. 358 00:13:33,725 --> 00:13:35,075 It happens. 359 00:13:35,162 --> 00:13:36,641 I'’msorry you don'’t feel well. 360 00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:38,339 But you were going to go out with Alan 361 00:13:38,426 --> 00:13:39,906 and now you can'’t '’cause of me. 362 00:13:39,993 --> 00:13:41,951 Oh, I'’m not missing anything. 363 00:13:42,038 --> 00:13:43,910 You ever seen Alan dance? 364 00:13:46,477 --> 00:13:47,435 All right. 365 00:13:47,522 --> 00:13:48,784 Now, you get some good sleep 366 00:13:48,871 --> 00:13:50,699 and I'’m gonna be right here 367 00:13:50,786 --> 00:13:52,266 if you need anything. 368 00:13:52,353 --> 00:13:53,963 Oh, and you know who else'’ll be here? 369 00:13:54,050 --> 00:13:55,573 Your new friend, "Barfy the Bucket." 370 00:13:57,488 --> 00:13:59,055 [high-pitched voice]: ♪ I'’m here for you ♪ 371 00:13:59,142 --> 00:14:01,579 ♪ If you'’re ready to spew! ♪ 372 00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:03,625 [laughs] 373 00:14:03,712 --> 00:14:05,105 ♪ Men.♪ 374 00:14:05,192 --> 00:14:07,063 [doorbell rings] 375 00:14:11,502 --> 00:14:12,416 Hey. 376 00:14:12,503 --> 00:14:13,722 Laurel. 377 00:14:13,809 --> 00:14:14,941 What are you doing here? 378 00:14:15,028 --> 00:14:16,203 I bailed. 379 00:14:16,290 --> 00:14:17,769 Didn'’t Alan tell you? 380 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,467 No, the only thing I got 381 00:14:19,554 --> 00:14:21,077 was a picture of Alan twerking. 382 00:14:23,079 --> 00:14:27,475 With a caption that said, "Alan got his groove back." 383 00:14:27,562 --> 00:14:29,651 Well, when I heard that Louis was sick, 384 00:14:29,738 --> 00:14:31,131 I thought you could use some help. 385 00:14:31,218 --> 00:14:32,306 And soup. 386 00:14:32,393 --> 00:14:33,698 Come on, that is so sweet. 387 00:14:33,785 --> 00:14:35,483 You did not have to do this. 388 00:14:35,570 --> 00:14:38,007 You look amazing. Oh, thanks. 389 00:14:38,094 --> 00:14:39,530 Well, I already had the sitter, and... 390 00:14:39,617 --> 00:14:42,620 first rule of parenting: Never cancel the sitter. 391 00:14:42,707 --> 00:14:44,535 Well, unless she'’s banging your husband. 392 00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:47,060 Too far? 393 00:14:47,147 --> 00:14:48,800 No, uh, "too far" 394 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,715 was starting a Facebook page 395 00:14:50,802 --> 00:14:53,631 called "Tiffany Jones is a Husband-Stealing Little Bitch." 396 00:14:55,546 --> 00:14:58,158 Uh, do you know what Louis has? 397 00:14:58,245 --> 00:14:59,768 Uh, well, I went on the Internet 398 00:14:59,855 --> 00:15:01,988 and I'’ve narrowed it down to either the flu, 399 00:15:02,075 --> 00:15:05,034 rickets or early-onset menopause. 400 00:15:05,121 --> 00:15:06,470 Second rule of parenting: 401 00:15:06,557 --> 00:15:07,994 Never consult the Internet. 402 00:15:08,081 --> 00:15:09,517 [chuckles]How'’s he doing now? 403 00:15:09,604 --> 00:15:11,345 Well, he'’s asleep 404 00:15:11,432 --> 00:15:12,650 and he'’s doing pretty well. 405 00:15:12,737 --> 00:15:14,304 Oh, good, because... 406 00:15:14,391 --> 00:15:16,437 I brought this for us. 407 00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:17,873 Oh... 408 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,831 You know, third rule of parenting: 409 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,486 Kids aren'’t the only ones that can drink from a bottle. 410 00:15:22,573 --> 00:15:24,706 ♪ Men.♪ 411 00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:26,360 ♪ Oh, yes, it'’s ladies'’ night ♪ 412 00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:28,623 ♪ And the feeling'’s right ♪ 413 00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:31,191 ♪ Oh, yes, it'’s ladies'’ night, oh, what a night ♪ 414 00:15:31,278 --> 00:15:33,671 [deep voice]: ♪ Oh, what a night. 415 00:15:33,758 --> 00:15:35,499 [whooping] 416 00:15:35,586 --> 00:15:37,197 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, there. 417 00:15:37,284 --> 00:15:38,894 I pour strong when the alcohol'’s free. 418 00:15:38,981 --> 00:15:40,330 I have to cram a lot of fun 419 00:15:40,417 --> 00:15:41,766 into a short amount of time.ALAN: Mmm. 420 00:15:41,853 --> 00:15:43,377 Kind of like sex with Roger. 421 00:15:43,464 --> 00:15:44,595 [women laughing] 422 00:15:44,682 --> 00:15:45,988 What is it with guys 423 00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:47,555 and their constant need for sex? 424 00:15:47,642 --> 00:15:49,644 Look at Alan here. He'’s out with two women, 425 00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:51,515 but I bet even he wants sex right now. 426 00:15:51,602 --> 00:15:53,735 I do. I really do. 427 00:15:53,822 --> 00:15:54,997 Oh, my God! Let'’s dance! 428 00:15:55,084 --> 00:15:56,129 [whoops] 429 00:15:56,216 --> 00:15:57,521 [both whooping] 430 00:15:57,608 --> 00:15:59,132 ♪ 431 00:15:59,219 --> 00:16:00,568 Come up here, Alan! 432 00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:02,526 No, I-I'’m good down here. 433 00:16:04,137 --> 00:16:05,355 Well, he'’s still asleep 434 00:16:05,442 --> 00:16:07,140 and he feels cooler, 435 00:16:07,227 --> 00:16:08,924 but now I'’m worried that he might have hypothermia. 436 00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:10,360 Yeah. 437 00:16:10,447 --> 00:16:12,014 You know, one of the hardest lessons 438 00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:13,624 I'’ve had to learn as a parent is sometimes 439 00:16:13,711 --> 00:16:15,104 you just gotta relax. 440 00:16:15,191 --> 00:16:16,149 [laughing]: Relax? 441 00:16:16,236 --> 00:16:17,541 All I do is worry. 442 00:16:17,628 --> 00:16:18,716 And now that I don'’t sleep, 443 00:16:18,803 --> 00:16:20,283 I have plenty of time to do it. 444 00:16:20,370 --> 00:16:22,285 Is he exercising enough? 445 00:16:22,372 --> 00:16:24,418 Is he eating right? Does he even want to stay here? 446 00:16:24,505 --> 00:16:27,160 I mean, this is the most terrifying thing I'’ve ever done. 447 00:16:27,247 --> 00:16:29,597 And-- this is scarier than when I bought the big iPhone 448 00:16:29,684 --> 00:16:31,555 and I didn'’t know if it would fit in my pocket. 449 00:16:31,642 --> 00:16:33,340 [laughs] 450 00:16:35,864 --> 00:16:36,996 You think you'’re scared? 451 00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:38,649 I have a daughter. 452 00:16:38,736 --> 00:16:40,564 I worry about all the same things you do, 453 00:16:40,651 --> 00:16:42,131 plus penises. 454 00:16:42,218 --> 00:16:43,828 And with you, 455 00:16:43,915 --> 00:16:45,656 you have to worry about animated penises. 456 00:16:47,702 --> 00:16:49,225 I should have never told you that. 457 00:16:49,312 --> 00:16:51,184 You should never tell anyone that. 458 00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:53,708 All right, all right. What-what'’s your next date? 459 00:16:53,795 --> 00:16:54,926 Shrek? 460 00:16:56,580 --> 00:16:58,626 No, no, no. The-the genie from Aladdin. 461 00:16:58,713 --> 00:17:00,106 Or-or maybe you'’ll have a three-way 462 00:17:00,193 --> 00:17:02,195 with the Hakuna Matata guys? 463 00:17:03,848 --> 00:17:05,111 Shut up. 464 00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:06,112 Make me. 465 00:17:06,199 --> 00:17:08,592 I could make you. 466 00:17:08,679 --> 00:17:10,420 Oh, yeah? 467 00:17:10,507 --> 00:17:11,639 Mm-hmm. 468 00:17:11,726 --> 00:17:13,249 I'’m right here. 469 00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:21,953 I'’m so sorry. What? Why? 470 00:17:24,565 --> 00:17:26,349 You'’re married. 471 00:17:26,436 --> 00:17:28,482 To a man. Oh... 472 00:17:28,569 --> 00:17:29,483 That. Uh... 473 00:17:29,570 --> 00:17:31,006 I should go. 474 00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:33,313 No, no, no, no. No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait. 475 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,967 Here'’s... okay, the thing about my marriage is... 476 00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,708 I'’m not gay. 477 00:17:37,795 --> 00:17:39,710 Does Alan know? 478 00:17:41,147 --> 00:17:43,192 His brain knows, 479 00:17:43,279 --> 00:17:46,239 but his heart may not. 480 00:17:46,326 --> 00:17:47,501 Here-here-here, here'’s the thing. 481 00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:48,850 Here'’s the thing: Alan is... 482 00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:50,156 he'’s my best friend, okay? 483 00:17:50,243 --> 00:17:51,722 And-and he married me as a favor 484 00:17:51,809 --> 00:17:53,855 so it would be easier to adopt Louis. 485 00:17:53,942 --> 00:17:55,335 Okay? And-and... 486 00:17:55,422 --> 00:17:57,032 Well, I mean... the fact that you 487 00:17:57,119 --> 00:17:58,512 married your best friend 488 00:17:58,599 --> 00:18:00,862 so that you could adopt Louis is.. 489 00:18:00,949 --> 00:18:03,212 actually very sweet. 490 00:18:03,299 --> 00:18:05,649 So... 491 00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:10,176 ...you'’re not mad at me? 492 00:18:10,263 --> 00:18:12,439 Hakuna matata. 493 00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:16,834 That'’s my philosophy. 494 00:18:19,576 --> 00:18:21,535 So... 495 00:18:23,189 --> 00:18:24,886 ...can we kiss again? Yeah. 496 00:18:27,193 --> 00:18:29,717 It'’s been so long since I'’ve kissed a man. Oh... 497 00:18:29,804 --> 00:18:31,632 I wish I could say the same thing. 498 00:18:33,286 --> 00:18:35,897 Julie, your boobs look great in that blouse. 499 00:18:35,984 --> 00:18:37,333 I am so jealous. 500 00:18:37,420 --> 00:18:38,856 Thanks to my kids, 501 00:18:38,943 --> 00:18:41,555 mine went from 34B to 34 "used to be." 502 00:18:41,642 --> 00:18:43,209 I like your boobs. 503 00:18:43,296 --> 00:18:44,210 I don'’t know. 504 00:18:44,297 --> 00:18:45,385 What do you think, Alan, 505 00:18:45,472 --> 00:18:46,734 should I get '’em done? 506 00:18:46,821 --> 00:18:48,170 Oh, well, I'’m no expert. 507 00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:49,389 I-I think they'’re lovely. 508 00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:50,651 Are you sure? 509 00:18:50,738 --> 00:18:51,695 Oh, my! 510 00:18:51,782 --> 00:18:53,828 You just did that. 511 00:18:53,915 --> 00:18:56,091 Um, you guys, I-I think there'’s something I should tell you... 512 00:18:56,178 --> 00:18:57,223 He has nothing to compare them with. 513 00:18:57,310 --> 00:18:58,180 Here. 514 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,707 You guys are my best friends. 515 00:19:03,794 --> 00:19:04,882 Aw! Aw! 516 00:19:04,969 --> 00:19:06,928 Okay, okay. 517 00:19:07,015 --> 00:19:09,278 I-I know you haven'’t done this in a while, 518 00:19:09,365 --> 00:19:11,280 so I don'’t want to go too fast, 519 00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:12,716 but do you want to go up to my... 520 00:19:12,803 --> 00:19:13,587 Let'’s go. 521 00:19:13,674 --> 00:19:15,937 Oh. 522 00:19:16,024 --> 00:19:18,722 LOUIS [over walkie-talkie]: Walden? 523 00:19:18,809 --> 00:19:20,071 Can you come here? 524 00:19:21,986 --> 00:19:23,727 He didn'’t say "over," so it doesn'’t count. 525 00:19:25,338 --> 00:19:27,340 Oh, go check on him. It'’s fine. 526 00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:30,038 I'’ve waited for two years, I can wait a little bit longer. 527 00:19:30,125 --> 00:19:32,954 Thank you. 528 00:19:33,041 --> 00:19:35,957 Oh. Don'’t start without me. 529 00:19:36,044 --> 00:19:37,741 Or do. 530 00:19:37,828 --> 00:19:40,004 Oh, uh, by the way, if you want to stay in the mood, 531 00:19:40,091 --> 00:19:41,963 we get all the cartoon channels. 532 00:19:44,705 --> 00:19:46,576 ♪ Men.♪ 533 00:19:58,849 --> 00:20:00,242 Walden? 534 00:20:09,904 --> 00:20:11,471 Parenting rule number four: 535 00:20:11,558 --> 00:20:13,647 Sleep is better than sex. 536 00:20:13,734 --> 00:20:14,952 ♪ Men.♪ 537 00:20:19,566 --> 00:20:21,481 This is the best night of my life. 538 00:20:21,568 --> 00:20:23,526 I love you girls. 539 00:20:23,613 --> 00:20:26,312 We should get matching tattoos. 540 00:20:26,399 --> 00:20:27,878 I have a better idea. 541 00:20:27,965 --> 00:20:29,097 Let'’s go to a strip club! 542 00:20:29,184 --> 00:20:31,708 That is better! 543 00:20:31,795 --> 00:20:34,189 [whooping] 544 00:20:34,276 --> 00:20:36,800 ♪ Oh, yes, it'’s ladies'’ night... ♪ 545 00:20:39,063 --> 00:20:40,978 This was a great idea. 546 00:20:43,459 --> 00:20:46,201 That is definitely bigger than fun size. 547 00:20:46,288 --> 00:20:47,855 Make it rain! 548 00:20:47,942 --> 00:20:49,465 Yeah, give him some money! 549 00:20:51,032 --> 00:20:53,426 Oh, this just keeps getting better.