1
00:00:02,698 --> 00:00:04,700
♪ Men.♪[drill whirring, banging]

2
00:00:06,528 --> 00:00:07,833
Hey!

3
00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:09,357
Oh, hey, morning, Berta.

4
00:00:09,444 --> 00:00:12,534
Little warning, man at work.

5
00:00:12,621 --> 00:00:15,189
Doing a little banging
and screwing.

6
00:00:15,276 --> 00:00:17,408
Little warning for you.

7
00:00:17,495 --> 00:00:21,804
Woman at bar until 2:00 a.m.
doing the same thing.

8
00:00:21,891 --> 00:00:23,240
What are you doing?

9
00:00:23,327 --> 00:00:26,200
I am baby-proofing
the house.

10
00:00:26,287 --> 00:00:28,115
It'’s a requirement
of the adoption agency,

11
00:00:28,202 --> 00:00:29,333
and it'’s a good thing, too.

12
00:00:29,420 --> 00:00:31,161
This here kitchen
is a death trap.

13
00:00:31,248 --> 00:00:34,382
Whole mess of things up in here
that can kill someone.

14
00:00:34,469 --> 00:00:38,647
We got knives, we got fire,
poison, scalding hot water,

15
00:00:38,734 --> 00:00:40,866
Alan'’s leftover fish tacos.

16
00:00:40,953 --> 00:00:42,607
You worry too much.

17
00:00:42,694 --> 00:00:46,046
Jake ate a steady diet
of floor wax and detergent,

18
00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:49,049
and he turned out...

19
00:00:49,136 --> 00:00:51,399
Yeah, maybe it'’s not a bad idea.

20
00:00:51,486 --> 00:00:53,270
I locked all the cabinets
and the drawers,

21
00:00:53,357 --> 00:00:55,533
put these safety knobs
on the stove,

22
00:00:55,620 --> 00:00:57,100
and if you want to access
any chemicals,

23
00:00:57,187 --> 00:00:59,276
you will need
a special magnetic key.

24
00:00:59,363 --> 00:01:01,017
Oh, by the way,
when you'’re doing the laundry,

25
00:01:01,104 --> 00:01:03,106
keep your eye out
for a special magnetic key.

26
00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:07,415
Why would you need
to lock the towel drawer?

27
00:01:07,502 --> 00:01:10,374
You hide your pot
in the medicine cabinet.

28
00:01:10,461 --> 00:01:11,723
I'’m guessing.

29
00:01:11,810 --> 00:01:14,030
That is no ordinary
towel drawer.

30
00:01:14,117 --> 00:01:17,555
That'’s the first step
on the stairway to disaster.

31
00:01:17,642 --> 00:01:19,340
Oh, I'’m too hungover
for this crap.

32
00:01:19,427 --> 00:01:21,342
Okay, okay.

33
00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:25,302
All right, imagine, if you will,
child pulls out the drawer,

34
00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:28,610
climbs up onto the counter
and toddles over to the window

35
00:01:28,697 --> 00:01:30,307
that has been left open

36
00:01:30,394 --> 00:01:32,831
because Alan finds the smell
of steaming broccoli

37
00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:34,050
to be "gaggy."

38
00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:36,705
Whereupon, the child

39
00:01:36,792 --> 00:01:39,403
spots a beautiful kite,

40
00:01:39,490 --> 00:01:43,103
most likely in the shape
of a butterfly or a Pikachu.

41
00:01:43,190 --> 00:01:45,714
The child reaches
for the kite,

42
00:01:45,801 --> 00:01:47,933
tumbles out the window,

43
00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:50,849
bounces off the awning,
flying through the air,

44
00:01:50,936 --> 00:01:54,810
heading toward certain death,
when, miraculously, it is caught

45
00:01:54,897 --> 00:01:57,726
by a shirtless
Matthew McConaughey.

46
00:01:59,684 --> 00:02:01,730
"Don'’t worry,
your baby'’s gonna be all right,

47
00:02:01,817 --> 00:02:03,558
all right, all right."

48
00:02:04,733 --> 00:02:06,126
Yeah, sure.

49
00:02:06,213 --> 00:02:07,953
You know what,
we got lucky this time,

50
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,478
but we can'’t depend
on McConaughey every time.

51
00:02:10,565 --> 00:02:14,656
Okay, I'’m gonna have to start
hiding the pot from you.

52
00:02:14,743 --> 00:02:16,527
Better safe than sorry.

53
00:02:16,614 --> 00:02:18,921
Every stairway, every toilet,
every sharp corner

54
00:02:19,008 --> 00:02:20,836
has been locked,
latched or padded.

55
00:02:20,923 --> 00:02:23,012
No one is getting hurt
in this house.

56
00:02:24,579 --> 00:02:25,754
[screams]

57
00:02:25,841 --> 00:02:27,321
Hot!

58
00:02:27,408 --> 00:02:29,279
Hot! Hot!

59
00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:36,765
All right, all right,
all right.

60
00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:41,465
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

61
00:02:41,552 --> 00:02:44,642
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
♪ Men.

62
00:02:49,212 --> 00:02:50,387
♪ Men.♪

63
00:02:50,474 --> 00:02:52,128
So, as you can see,

64
00:02:52,215 --> 00:02:53,956
I installed a gate
at the top of the stairs,

65
00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:56,176
at the bottom of the stairs,
and as an extra precaution,

66
00:02:56,263 --> 00:02:57,960
I put one in the middle
of the stairs.

67
00:02:58,047 --> 00:02:59,744
Overachiever.

68
00:02:59,831 --> 00:03:02,573
I think he'’s just trying
to keep me from getting away.

69
00:03:02,660 --> 00:03:04,184
[chuckles]

70
00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:06,316
Well, you did a great job
baby-proofing.

71
00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:08,188
I can'’t imagine anyone
getting hurt in this house.

72
00:03:08,275 --> 00:03:11,191
Really? Try telling me
I look fat in these jeans.

73
00:03:12,888 --> 00:03:15,673
Okay, flame off,
Human Torch.

74
00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,328
So, uh, so, what do we do next?

75
00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:19,938
Oh, well, it'’s pretty simple.

76
00:03:20,025 --> 00:03:21,462
I walk out onto the deck,

77
00:03:21,549 --> 00:03:23,333
you put a pile of hundreds
on the table,

78
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:24,943
I come back,
slip them into my purse,

79
00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:26,118
and you get a kid.

80
00:03:28,164 --> 00:03:30,993
I have $5,000 in the bottom
of a toolbox in the garage.

81
00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:32,124
I was joking.

82
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,822
As was I.

83
00:03:35,693 --> 00:03:37,826
Anyway, uh,
I wasn'’t gonna say anything

84
00:03:37,913 --> 00:03:39,697
until you guys passed
the inspection,

85
00:03:39,784 --> 00:03:41,830
but it looks like
we may have found

86
00:03:41,917 --> 00:03:43,440
a potential match
for the two of you.

87
00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:45,094
[gasps]

88
00:03:45,181 --> 00:03:46,182
We'’re...

89
00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:47,618
We'’re getting a baby.

90
00:03:47,705 --> 00:03:49,272
Are you serious?
This is unbelievable.

91
00:03:49,359 --> 00:03:50,795
Well, slow down;
all that'’s happened so far

92
00:03:50,882 --> 00:03:52,232
is a pregnant mother has seen
your profile

93
00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:53,755
and wants to meet you.

94
00:03:53,842 --> 00:03:56,714
Somebody saw my profile
and wants to meet me?

95
00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:59,021
That'’s so different
than the dating sites.

96
00:03:59,108 --> 00:04:00,414
I can'’t believe this.

97
00:04:00,501 --> 00:04:02,242
Who is she?
Where is she from?

98
00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:04,026
How old is she? Is she
having a boy or a girl?

99
00:04:04,113 --> 00:04:05,723
Wait, no, la-la-la-la-la!

100
00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:07,377
I don'’t want to know.
I want to be surprised.

101
00:04:07,464 --> 00:04:08,422
Walden, you'’re getting ahead
of yourself.

102
00:04:08,509 --> 00:04:09,858
Did you say girl?

103
00:04:09,945 --> 00:04:10,989
I thought I heard
you say girl.

104
00:04:12,121 --> 00:04:13,035
Wait, no, you know what?

105
00:04:13,122 --> 00:04:14,123
Doesn'’t matter.

106
00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:15,690
Ten fingers and ten toes--

107
00:04:15,777 --> 00:04:18,040
that'’s all that matters.

108
00:04:18,127 --> 00:04:20,216
Are you not saying anything
'’cause it'’s a boy?

109
00:04:20,303 --> 00:04:22,174
Oh, my God,
we'’re having a boy!

110
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,089
Okay, Walden, when
you meet the mother,

111
00:04:24,176 --> 00:04:27,179
you want to come off as
a calm, stable father.

112
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:30,487
Not like a 14-year-old girl
at a Justin Bieber concert.

113
00:04:30,574 --> 00:04:32,010
Sorry,
we'’re just really excited.

114
00:04:32,097 --> 00:04:33,838
No, I get it.
I'’m excited for you.

115
00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:35,492
I'’ll call you
when the meeting is set up.

116
00:04:35,579 --> 00:04:37,146
Oh, and by the way,

117
00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:39,017
I think you look fantastic
in those jeans.

118
00:04:39,104 --> 00:04:40,715
Girl, we are gonna be BFFs.

119
00:04:40,802 --> 00:04:42,325
[chuckles]

120
00:04:43,457 --> 00:04:45,372
We'’re gonna have a baby.

121
00:04:45,459 --> 00:04:46,895
We'’re gonna have a baby.

122
00:04:46,982 --> 00:04:48,375
We'’re gonna have a baby.

123
00:04:48,462 --> 00:04:50,420
BOTH [laughing]:
We'’re gonna have a baby!

124
00:04:50,507 --> 00:04:51,856
We'’re gonna have a baby!

125
00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:53,815
Oh, we have to celebrate.

126
00:04:53,902 --> 00:04:55,251
Uh, I'’ll go to the garage
and get some champagne.

127
00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:56,992
Great! We'’re gonna have a baby!

128
00:04:57,079 --> 00:04:58,689
We'’re gonna have a...

129
00:04:58,776 --> 00:05:00,474
Wait, we don'’t have champagne
in the garage.

130
00:05:00,561 --> 00:05:01,562
[gasps] My toolbox!

131
00:05:01,649 --> 00:05:02,867
Alan!

132
00:05:02,954 --> 00:05:05,043
♪ Men.♪

133
00:05:06,784 --> 00:05:08,482
Here.

134
00:05:08,569 --> 00:05:10,440
I got this for you.

135
00:05:12,050 --> 00:05:13,008
Why?

136
00:05:13,095 --> 00:05:14,792
I think it would be nice

137
00:05:14,879 --> 00:05:16,794
if we wore matching sweaters
to meet the birth mom.

138
00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:18,448
Twinsies.

139
00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:19,841
We'’re supposed to be
a married couple,

140
00:05:19,928 --> 00:05:21,973
not half of
a barbershop quartet.

141
00:05:22,060 --> 00:05:24,541
Can'’t we be both?

142
00:05:24,628 --> 00:05:26,761
♪ Miss McMartin,
bring me a kid ♪

143
00:05:26,848 --> 00:05:28,371
♪ Bom-bom-bom-bom

144
00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:30,765
♪ Marrying you
was a dumb thing I did ♪

145
00:05:30,852 --> 00:05:31,896
♪ Bom-bom-bom-bom.

146
00:05:31,983 --> 00:05:33,376
You were flat.

147
00:05:34,986 --> 00:05:37,249
So, the mom--
you think she'’s hot?

148
00:05:38,642 --> 00:05:40,252
She'’s nine months pregnant!

149
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,428
I know.

150
00:05:41,515 --> 00:05:43,473
Love me some preggos.

151
00:05:44,692 --> 00:05:46,607
38-62-38.

152
00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:49,784
Baby got back and front.

153
00:05:49,871 --> 00:05:51,829
Okay, listen.

154
00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:54,832
If we want this girl
to give us her baby,

155
00:05:54,919 --> 00:05:56,791
she has to think that
we'’re a well-adjusted couple.

156
00:05:56,878 --> 00:05:58,662
If she gets a creepy vibe
off of you,

157
00:05:58,749 --> 00:06:00,229
she'’s gonna turn and run
the other way.

158
00:06:00,316 --> 00:06:02,013
And I'’m only saying this

159
00:06:02,100 --> 00:06:03,754
'’cause I'’m getting a creepy vibe
off of you.

160
00:06:03,841 --> 00:06:05,103
[doorbell rings]

161
00:06:06,888 --> 00:06:09,238
Says the guy who Googled
"Helen Mirren nip slip."

162
00:06:09,325 --> 00:06:11,458
Helen is timeless.

163
00:06:11,545 --> 00:06:12,807
Now, listen.

164
00:06:12,894 --> 00:06:14,286
If you mess this up for me,

165
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,201
I will make your life
a living hell.

166
00:06:16,288 --> 00:06:18,073
Now, remember,
we love each other.

167
00:06:22,773 --> 00:06:24,645
Hello, Mama.

168
00:06:25,863 --> 00:06:27,125
Hi.

169
00:06:27,212 --> 00:06:28,823
Hi, you must be Kathy.

170
00:06:28,910 --> 00:06:31,956
Yes, uh, welcome to
our Malibu dream house.

171
00:06:32,043 --> 00:06:33,480
He'’s Ken.

172
00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:35,699
Oh, I guess that
makes me Barbie.

173
00:06:36,918 --> 00:06:38,180
I'’m Walden.

174
00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:39,486
This is Alan.

175
00:06:39,573 --> 00:06:40,878
[stammering]
Come in.

176
00:06:40,965 --> 00:06:41,966
Here, c-can I take your coat?

177
00:06:42,053 --> 00:06:43,098
Oh, thank you.

178
00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:44,578
[chuckles]

179
00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:46,406
Wow!

180
00:06:46,493 --> 00:06:47,668
Look at you!

181
00:06:47,755 --> 00:06:49,800
So very pregnant.

182
00:06:49,887 --> 00:06:50,975
Coat.

183
00:06:51,062 --> 00:06:52,934
I know.

184
00:06:53,021 --> 00:06:54,979
I haven'’t seen
my feet since July.

185
00:06:55,066 --> 00:06:57,025
Am I wearing matching shoes?

186
00:06:57,112 --> 00:06:58,461
Um...

187
00:06:58,548 --> 00:06:59,984
actually, no.

188
00:07:00,071 --> 00:07:01,943
Uh, but you know what, it works.
It'’s cute.

189
00:07:02,030 --> 00:07:03,248
Um, please sit.

190
00:07:03,335 --> 00:07:04,859
Yeah, please.
How you feeling?

191
00:07:04,946 --> 00:07:06,556
My ankles are swollen,

192
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,906
my back hurts,
and forget about my breasts.

193
00:07:08,993 --> 00:07:11,866
I haven'’t even noticed,
you know, '’cause I'’m gay.

194
00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:13,302
That'’s... [clears throat]

195
00:07:13,389 --> 00:07:15,435
That'’s my rainbow warrior.

196
00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:17,828
Always waving his flag.

197
00:07:17,915 --> 00:07:19,874
Even when it relates
to nothing.

198
00:07:19,961 --> 00:07:23,747
Um, so, uh,
tell us about Kathy.

199
00:07:23,834 --> 00:07:25,706
I think the first thing
you should know about me

200
00:07:25,793 --> 00:07:28,143
is this is not representative
of who I am.

201
00:07:28,230 --> 00:07:29,361
See, I just graduated

202
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,015
from UCLA.

203
00:07:31,102 --> 00:07:34,410
The baby is a result
of a spring break trip to Vegas.

204
00:07:34,497 --> 00:07:36,891
Ah. I guess what happens
in Vegas

205
00:07:36,978 --> 00:07:38,458
stays in Kathy.

206
00:07:40,198 --> 00:07:42,679
Yep, took me about six weeks
to figure out

207
00:07:42,766 --> 00:07:44,246
that my morning sickness

208
00:07:44,333 --> 00:07:46,553
wasn'’t just
a really bad hangover.

209
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:47,989
Well, we all make mistakes.

210
00:07:48,076 --> 00:07:50,034
One morning,
I woke up married to this one.

211
00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:52,297
[laughs]

212
00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:55,431
See, bottom line, this wasn'’t
part of my five-year plan.

213
00:07:55,518 --> 00:07:57,651
You know, law school,
clerk for a judge,

214
00:07:57,738 --> 00:07:58,956
start my own practice.

215
00:07:59,043 --> 00:08:00,567
Wow, that'’s-that'’s impressive.

216
00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:02,525
Uh, Alan'’s son, Jake,

217
00:08:02,612 --> 00:08:04,701
had a five-year plan
for the tenth grade.

218
00:08:04,788 --> 00:08:06,181
[chuckles]

219
00:08:06,268 --> 00:08:07,835
See, that'’s why I liked
your profile.

220
00:08:07,922 --> 00:08:09,880
You have parenting experience.

221
00:08:09,967 --> 00:08:11,795
Your sense of humor
came through.

222
00:08:11,882 --> 00:08:13,928
And I kind of love
that you'’re gay.

223
00:08:14,015 --> 00:08:15,886
Not as much as we do.

224
00:08:15,973 --> 00:08:17,235
Right, Wally Bear?

225
00:08:17,322 --> 00:08:18,933
That'’s right, Alley Cat.

226
00:08:21,196 --> 00:08:23,851
Even though I'’m not gonna
be part of the baby'’s life,

227
00:08:23,938 --> 00:08:26,244
I like the idea of being
the only mom.

228
00:08:26,331 --> 00:08:28,290
I can totally understand that.

229
00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:31,162
Probably because my mom was an
ice-cold, sharp-tongue alcoholic

230
00:08:31,249 --> 00:08:34,470
who preferred shopping and spas
over spending time with me.

231
00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:36,777
And I can
totally understand that.

232
00:08:36,864 --> 00:08:38,909
So, tell me about you.

233
00:08:38,996 --> 00:08:41,259
What made you guys decide
to start a family?

234
00:08:41,346 --> 00:08:43,827
Uh, well, raising my son

235
00:08:43,914 --> 00:08:46,569
was one of the greatest
experiences of my life,

236
00:08:46,656 --> 00:08:48,571
and I just wanted Walden
to feel that same joy.

237
00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:52,096
Yeah, I mean, for me
it'’s a couple reasons.

238
00:08:52,183 --> 00:08:54,577
I-I felt like something
was missing in my life,

239
00:08:54,664 --> 00:08:56,884
and I wanted to give back,

240
00:08:56,971 --> 00:09:00,670
and having a kid will allow me
to drive in the carpool lane.

241
00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:02,063
[laughs]

242
00:09:02,150 --> 00:09:04,631
It'’s nice to laugh again.

243
00:09:04,718 --> 00:09:06,807
Except I just peed a little
on your sofa.

244
00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,591
I'’ll get you something.

245
00:09:08,678 --> 00:09:10,593
Oh, uh, actually,
I got something right here.

246
00:09:11,725 --> 00:09:13,117
♪ Men.♪

247
00:09:13,204 --> 00:09:14,292
[gasps]

248
00:09:14,379 --> 00:09:15,467
The baby just kicked.

249
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,773
I felt it.

250
00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:18,209
Oh, looks like someone'’s got

251
00:09:18,296 --> 00:09:19,950
a little soccer star in there.

252
00:09:20,037 --> 00:09:21,909
God, you smell good.

253
00:09:23,954 --> 00:09:26,348
Alan, you want to come up
for some air?

254
00:09:26,435 --> 00:09:27,654
Oh, sorry.

255
00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:29,656
Just got excited. [chuckles]

256
00:09:29,743 --> 00:09:31,309
About the baby.

257
00:09:31,396 --> 00:09:33,050
Sure.

258
00:09:33,137 --> 00:09:34,617
So, uh, Kathy,

259
00:09:34,704 --> 00:09:36,837
uh, do you know
if it'’s a boy or a girl?

260
00:09:36,924 --> 00:09:38,665
I don'’t, but your profile said

261
00:09:38,752 --> 00:09:40,667
you didn'’t have
a gender preference, right?

262
00:09:40,754 --> 00:09:42,016
Oh, that'’s right.

263
00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:44,322
Just like me in my 20s.
[chuckles]

264
00:09:44,409 --> 00:09:46,629
You guys crack me up.

265
00:09:46,716 --> 00:09:48,718
You'’re gonna make great dads.

266
00:09:48,805 --> 00:09:51,068
Oh, world'’s greatest, according
the coffee mugs I bought.

267
00:09:51,155 --> 00:09:55,420
Well, that'’s good,
because I made up my mind.

268
00:09:55,507 --> 00:09:56,987
I want you to have my baby.

269
00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:58,554
No!Yes.

270
00:09:58,641 --> 00:10:00,251
Oh, my God!
You did not just say that!

271
00:10:00,338 --> 00:10:01,513
You bitch!

272
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:03,820
Thank you, Kathy.

273
00:10:03,907 --> 00:10:05,169
Thank you, Vegas.

274
00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:07,215
Thank you, broken condom.

275
00:10:07,302 --> 00:10:08,869
Well, you can thank
two-for-one tequila shots

276
00:10:08,956 --> 00:10:11,045
at the Tropicana.[chuckles]

277
00:10:11,132 --> 00:10:12,481
Let'’s not forget
this little guy.

278
00:10:12,568 --> 00:10:14,048
[chuckles]

279
00:10:14,135 --> 00:10:16,050
[gasps]
Do you feel it moving?

280
00:10:16,137 --> 00:10:17,878
I can feel it growing.

281
00:10:17,965 --> 00:10:19,749
♪ Men.♪

282
00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:25,668
♪ Men.♪

283
00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:27,104
Okay, best shower gift:

284
00:10:27,191 --> 00:10:29,541
Barry. Baby'’s first bong.

285
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:30,847
Yep.

286
00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:32,544
And just like the kid'’s diaper,

287
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:35,417
it'’s full of
stinky green stuff.

288
00:10:35,504 --> 00:10:36,897
The pizza'’s on its way.

289
00:10:36,984 --> 00:10:38,942
In the meantime, uh,
who wants a beer?

290
00:10:39,029 --> 00:10:41,249
Oh, wow.
Yeah.

291
00:10:41,336 --> 00:10:43,120
There we go.

292
00:10:43,207 --> 00:10:45,993
Walden, you are gonna
make a great dad.

293
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,124
Hey.
And, Alan,

294
00:10:47,211 --> 00:10:48,517
you'’ve already raised Jake,

295
00:10:48,604 --> 00:10:51,172
so I guess just...
do the opposite.

296
00:10:53,435 --> 00:10:55,437
I still can'’t believe
it'’s even possible

297
00:10:55,524 --> 00:10:57,569
for two men to have a baby.

298
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,180
What an age we live in.

299
00:10:59,267 --> 00:11:00,834
Science, right?

300
00:11:03,227 --> 00:11:07,057
Larry, we'’re-we'’re not
actually having a baby.

301
00:11:07,144 --> 00:11:08,319
We'’re adopting.

302
00:11:08,406 --> 00:11:10,582
Ah, shooting blanks, huh?

303
00:11:12,584 --> 00:11:13,934
Well, I guess
if Alan gets pregnant,

304
00:11:14,021 --> 00:11:15,370
you'’ll know he'’s been
cheating on you.

305
00:11:17,938 --> 00:11:19,504
So you two are
really married, huh?

306
00:11:19,591 --> 00:11:21,158
Yep.
Yeah, crazy, isn'’t it?

307
00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:22,986
No, I'’ll tell you what'’s crazy.

308
00:11:23,073 --> 00:11:25,293
You have never
hit on me once, Walden.

309
00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:27,556
I mean, we worked together
every day, side by side,

310
00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:29,558
and not so much as
a lingering glance

311
00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:31,821
or a "Gee, you look
nice today, Barry.

312
00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:33,736
"You lost a little weight,
Barry?

313
00:11:33,823 --> 00:11:36,173
Those cargo shorts really
flatter your calves, Barry."

314
00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:37,827
No, man.

315
00:11:37,914 --> 00:11:40,525
We got married
so I could adopt a baby.

316
00:11:40,612 --> 00:11:42,484
That... we'’re a pretend couple.

317
00:11:42,571 --> 00:11:45,792
It'’s kind of like your
"girlfriend in Canada."

318
00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:47,402
[scoffs]

319
00:11:47,489 --> 00:11:49,360
Okay, Olivia is real.

320
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:51,972
I mean, just... Okay, look at
these nude photos she sent me.

321
00:11:53,147 --> 00:11:55,192
That'’s Jennifer Lawrence.

322
00:11:55,279 --> 00:11:57,586
She gets that all the time.

323
00:11:59,762 --> 00:12:02,156
In a couple days,
I'’m gonna be a dad.

324
00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:03,723
[laughs]

325
00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:05,725
I'’m gonna be
completely responsible

326
00:12:05,812 --> 00:12:08,336
for the emotional
and financial well-being

327
00:12:08,423 --> 00:12:10,033
of someone who is
completely incapable

328
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,382
of taking care of themselves.

329
00:12:11,469 --> 00:12:13,689
Thank you for being
my test baby.

330
00:12:15,822 --> 00:12:17,867
I'’d keep my fingers
crossed for a boy.

331
00:12:17,954 --> 00:12:19,913
Why?Well, basic math.

332
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,132
If you have a boy, you only
have to worry about one penis.

333
00:12:22,219 --> 00:12:23,917
You have a girl, you have
to worry about them all.

334
00:12:26,658 --> 00:12:28,573
Either way,
you'’re gonna love it.

335
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:31,446
Being a father is
the best thing in the world.

336
00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:32,577
How old are your kids?

337
00:12:32,664 --> 00:12:34,405
Well, my son is 15

338
00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:36,668
and my secret daughter
is going to be 11 this year.

339
00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:39,454
Your... your
secret daughter?

340
00:12:39,541 --> 00:12:42,283
Yeah, she looks a lot
like my secret wife.

341
00:12:48,332 --> 00:12:50,857
You know, kids are amazing.

342
00:12:50,944 --> 00:12:53,598
You know? You get to pass
all this knowledge down

343
00:12:53,685 --> 00:12:56,340
to this little person
and-and shape their mind.

344
00:12:56,427 --> 00:12:58,342
Like, you know,
how to talk to girls

345
00:12:58,429 --> 00:13:00,867
and how to be there for
your friends when they need you.

346
00:13:00,954 --> 00:13:02,825
Oh, you can teach them
your ability

347
00:13:02,912 --> 00:13:05,393
to always be in the bathroom
whenever the dinner check comes.

348
00:13:06,524 --> 00:13:09,397
That'’s pure instinct.

349
00:13:09,484 --> 00:13:12,313
Can'’t be taught.

350
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,445
[phone ringing]

351
00:13:14,532 --> 00:13:17,144
You know, all my memories
revolve around my dad.

352
00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:20,800
The time he threw my Tamagotchi
down the garbage disposal.

353
00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:23,454
Time he made a pass
at my prom date.

354
00:13:23,541 --> 00:13:26,762
Time he divorced my mom
and married my prom date.

355
00:13:29,156 --> 00:13:30,418
WALDEN:
Guys.

356
00:13:30,505 --> 00:13:32,289
Guys, it'’s
the hospital.

357
00:13:32,376 --> 00:13:34,596
Oh, if it'’s one of
my patients, I'’m not here.

358
00:13:34,683 --> 00:13:35,989
Oh, don'’t worry.
If I'’m your

359
00:13:36,076 --> 00:13:37,251
kid'’s doctor,
I won'’t do that.

360
00:13:38,382 --> 00:13:40,515
It'’s what you say.

361
00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:42,038
Kathy'’s in labor!

362
00:13:42,125 --> 00:13:43,170
We got to go!

363
00:13:43,257 --> 00:13:44,301
I'’ll get an Uber.

364
00:13:44,388 --> 00:13:45,476
I'’ll go grab the car seat.

365
00:13:45,563 --> 00:13:46,434
I'’ll get the
diaper bag.

366
00:13:46,521 --> 00:13:47,696
[doorbell rings]

367
00:13:47,783 --> 00:13:49,132
Oh, God, that'’s the pizza guy.

368
00:13:49,219 --> 00:13:50,481
Um... hey, Alan,

369
00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:51,743
could you pay
the pizza guy?

370
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,833
ALAN:
I'’m in the bathroom!

371
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,835
How does he do it?

372
00:13:58,707 --> 00:14:01,101
♪ Men.♪

373
00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:03,364
Hey, you know,
I-I appreciate you guys coming,

374
00:14:03,451 --> 00:14:04,931
but you really
don'’t have to stay.

375
00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:06,628
Are you kidding?
We want to be here.

376
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:08,325
You know what
they say.

377
00:14:08,412 --> 00:14:10,284
"To raise a child, it
takes the Village People."

378
00:14:10,371 --> 00:14:12,547
Hey, guys?

379
00:14:12,634 --> 00:14:14,375
I think I may have
gotten way too high.

380
00:14:14,462 --> 00:14:16,029
Can somebody take me
to the hospital?

381
00:14:16,116 --> 00:14:18,031
You'’re in a hospital.

382
00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:19,380
[gasps]

383
00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:20,772
Whoa.

384
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:21,773
How'’d you do that?

385
00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:24,951
I wonder why
we haven'’t heard anything.

386
00:14:25,038 --> 00:14:27,867
They took Kathy to the delivery
room, like, an hour ago.

387
00:14:27,954 --> 00:14:30,173
Sometimes the baby just
doesn'’t want to come out.

388
00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:31,871
I mean, put yourself
in its position.

389
00:14:31,958 --> 00:14:33,220
For nine months,
you'’ve been floating

390
00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:34,917
in the world'’s
nicest waterbed.

391
00:14:35,004 --> 00:14:37,746
Then somebody opens a trap door,
all the water flows out,

392
00:14:37,833 --> 00:14:40,705
a set of salad tongs grabs you
by the head and yanks you out,

393
00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:42,316
and then some guy
you never seen before

394
00:14:42,403 --> 00:14:44,187
starts slapping
you on the ass.

395
00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:46,842
Reminds me of a trip
I took to Tijuana once.

396
00:14:49,279 --> 00:14:51,499
WALDEN: Aw, look at how cute
that one is.

397
00:14:51,586 --> 00:14:53,196
Yeah, she'’s got
a nice rack, too.

398
00:14:53,283 --> 00:14:55,677
What are you looking at?

399
00:14:55,764 --> 00:14:58,201
The hot nurse.
What are you looking at?

400
00:14:58,288 --> 00:14:59,855
That baby.

401
00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:02,466
Ugh! You guys are sick.

402
00:15:05,165 --> 00:15:07,210
So have you guys decided
on a name for the baby yet?

403
00:15:07,297 --> 00:15:08,951
Oh, no, not yet.
No.

404
00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:10,170
It'’s such a big
responsibility.

405
00:15:10,257 --> 00:15:11,736
I don'’t want
to give him a name

406
00:15:11,823 --> 00:15:13,260
that other kids
can make fun of.

407
00:15:13,347 --> 00:15:15,262
Well, bad news.
Every name can be made fun of.

408
00:15:15,349 --> 00:15:16,916
That'’s not true.

409
00:15:17,003 --> 00:15:17,917
Really?

410
00:15:18,004 --> 00:15:19,222
How'’s your pond, Walden?

411
00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:23,966
It'’s an intellectual insult,
but it still stings.

412
00:15:25,794 --> 00:15:28,536
I was "Larry the fairy"
all through high school.

413
00:15:28,623 --> 00:15:31,582
Oh, no way!
I was "Barry the fairy."

414
00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:34,585
Somebody noticed
that you could rearrange

415
00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:36,022
the letters of "Alan,"
and I became

416
00:15:36,109 --> 00:15:38,415
"Little Anal Harper."

417
00:15:38,502 --> 00:15:39,547
My name'’s "Herb."

418
00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:40,940
Kids skipped the clever puns

419
00:15:41,027 --> 00:15:43,072
and just shoved my head
down a toilet.

420
00:15:43,159 --> 00:15:45,422
Well, I'’m sure
there are plenty of names

421
00:15:45,509 --> 00:15:47,250
that kids can'’t
make jokes about.

422
00:15:47,337 --> 00:15:49,818
Mr. and Mr. Harper-Schmidt?

423
00:15:49,905 --> 00:15:51,559
Yeah, nothing to
worry about there.

424
00:15:51,646 --> 00:15:54,431
Just the hyphenated last name
of the two gay dads.

425
00:15:54,518 --> 00:15:55,693
So how'’s Kathy?

426
00:15:55,780 --> 00:15:57,043
She'’s doing fine.

427
00:15:57,130 --> 00:15:59,436
So is your brand-new baby boy.

428
00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:02,091
Oh, my God,
we got a boy!

429
00:16:02,178 --> 00:16:04,833
I get a do-over for Jake!

430
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,618
I only have to worry
about one penis!

431
00:16:07,705 --> 00:16:09,229
I like to wear
women'’s underwear!

432
00:16:09,316 --> 00:16:11,579
What?

433
00:16:11,666 --> 00:16:14,886
I thought we were
confessing things.

434
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:18,499
NURSE:
There he is.

435
00:16:18,586 --> 00:16:19,935
ALL:
Aw...

436
00:16:22,111 --> 00:16:24,244
He'’s got your nose
and Alan'’s eyes.

437
00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:27,029
Larry, I told you
before that...

438
00:16:28,248 --> 00:16:31,120
Thank you, Larry.

439
00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:33,383
ALAN: Look at him.
He'’s so amazing.

440
00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:35,037
WALDEN: I can'’t think of
anything more beautiful

441
00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:36,996
than what I'’m looking
at right now.

442
00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:39,172
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
It'’s true,
that'’s the truth.

443
00:16:39,259 --> 00:16:41,565
But how much more
beautiful would it be

444
00:16:41,652 --> 00:16:43,828
if those two nurses just
started making out right now?

445
00:16:43,915 --> 00:16:46,396
Mm-hmm.Oh, yeah.

446
00:16:46,483 --> 00:16:48,355
♪ Men.♪

447
00:16:50,835 --> 00:16:52,185
ALAN:
Hey.

448
00:16:52,272 --> 00:16:53,621
How you doing?

449
00:16:53,708 --> 00:16:55,362
I'’m good.

450
00:16:55,449 --> 00:16:56,754
Tired.

451
00:16:56,841 --> 00:16:58,365
Sore.

452
00:16:58,452 --> 00:17:01,020
Look at this little guy.

453
00:17:01,107 --> 00:17:02,325
Can I hold him?

454
00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:03,805
Uh, sure.

455
00:17:06,895 --> 00:17:09,593
Oh, he is the cutest thing ever.

456
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:11,334
Mm-hmm.

457
00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:13,815
Hey, hey... high-five.

458
00:17:13,902 --> 00:17:14,859
You can owe me.

459
00:17:14,946 --> 00:17:16,165
[chuckles]

460
00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:18,994
Welcome to the world,
little buddy.

461
00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:20,909
We'’re gonna have
so much fun.

462
00:17:20,996 --> 00:17:22,737
We'’re gonna go to
ball games together

463
00:17:22,824 --> 00:17:24,521
and go swimming together

464
00:17:24,608 --> 00:17:28,134
and pick up chick... ens
together.

465
00:17:28,221 --> 00:17:30,484
Smile. Come on.

466
00:17:30,571 --> 00:17:32,312
Okay, uh...

467
00:17:32,399 --> 00:17:35,097
Oh, oh, oh.
Look at that picture.

468
00:17:35,184 --> 00:17:37,795
The two most handsome
men in the world.

469
00:17:37,882 --> 00:17:39,841
And they'’re both mine.

470
00:17:39,928 --> 00:17:41,234
[baby crying]Oh, oh...

471
00:17:41,321 --> 00:17:42,539
Oh, what'’s the matter?

472
00:17:42,626 --> 00:17:44,193
Uh, maybe he wants his mommy.

473
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:45,499
Oh, all right,
come here, little buddy.

474
00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:47,805
Uh, I think he might be hungry.

475
00:17:47,892 --> 00:17:49,111
Oh, of course.

476
00:17:49,198 --> 00:17:50,373
Oh, yeah, of course.

477
00:17:50,460 --> 00:17:51,983
Okay, here.

478
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:54,334
There.

479
00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:57,032
I miss him already.

480
00:17:57,119 --> 00:17:58,947
Yeah, it'’s hard to let him go.

481
00:18:01,297 --> 00:18:03,169
Actually, it'’s impossible.

482
00:18:04,822 --> 00:18:06,172
Oh.

483
00:18:06,259 --> 00:18:07,999
I am so sorry.

484
00:18:09,871 --> 00:18:11,568
Wait. What, uh...
what just happened?

485
00:18:11,655 --> 00:18:13,135
Did I... did I
miss something?

486
00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:18,009
She'’s keeping the baby.

487
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,968
Uh...

488
00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:22,101
But what-what
about law school?

489
00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:23,798
The-the five-year plan?

490
00:18:23,885 --> 00:18:26,888
After I saw this little guy...

491
00:18:26,975 --> 00:18:28,498
the plan changed.

492
00:18:30,674 --> 00:18:34,896
I mean, before, I couldn'’t
imagine my life with him.

493
00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:37,594
Now I can'’t imagine it
without him.

494
00:18:37,681 --> 00:18:40,771
But... but he'’s gonna
be a great dad.

495
00:18:40,858 --> 00:18:42,599
Alan...
No, no.
H-He loves him.

496
00:18:42,686 --> 00:18:44,427
Alan, it'’s...

497
00:18:44,514 --> 00:18:46,560
Okay, let'’s-let'’s just
approach this practically.

498
00:18:46,647 --> 00:18:48,039
Um... how much for the kid?

499
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,258
Uh, I have, uh,

500
00:18:49,345 --> 00:18:50,868
I have $32 on me.

501
00:18:50,955 --> 00:18:52,827
I'’m gonna need three dollars
for dinner at ampm,

502
00:18:52,914 --> 00:18:54,002
but the rest is yours.

503
00:18:54,089 --> 00:18:55,656
Believe me, I feel terrible.

504
00:18:55,743 --> 00:18:57,571
You feel terrible?

505
00:18:57,658 --> 00:19:00,356
We'’re-we'’re gonna be driving
home with an empty car seat.

506
00:19:00,443 --> 00:19:02,619
And you know what'’s waiting
for us when we get there?

507
00:19:02,706 --> 00:19:04,752
An empty nursery.
An empty crib.

508
00:19:04,839 --> 00:19:06,145
An empty... uh, uh....

509
00:19:06,232 --> 00:19:07,494
What'’s that Swedish thing

510
00:19:07,581 --> 00:19:09,191
that, uh, that you
wear like a pouch,

511
00:19:09,278 --> 00:19:11,585
to carry your baby
around like a kangaroo?

512
00:19:11,672 --> 00:19:12,673
Bjorn.

513
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,022
An empty Bjorn!

514
00:19:14,109 --> 00:19:16,633
An empty blue baby Bjorn!

515
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:19,245
Hard to say,
but even harder to face.

516
00:19:19,332 --> 00:19:21,160
Alan, just... stop.

517
00:19:22,552 --> 00:19:23,771
It'’s okay.

518
00:19:25,555 --> 00:19:27,731
I wouldn'’t be able
to give him up either,

519
00:19:27,818 --> 00:19:29,168
so I don'’t blame you.

520
00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:30,517
Really?

521
00:19:30,604 --> 00:19:32,649
I get it.
You'’re his mom.

522
00:19:32,736 --> 00:19:34,956
I'’m so sorry to put you
through all this.

523
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:36,436
Don'’t be sorry.

524
00:19:36,523 --> 00:19:39,178
He'’s... lucky.

525
00:19:39,265 --> 00:19:41,876
You'’re both...
very lucky.

526
00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:47,403
This man is a saint.

527
00:19:47,490 --> 00:19:48,622
A damn saint.

528
00:19:48,709 --> 00:19:49,797
Let'’s go.

529
00:19:50,972 --> 00:19:52,887
Say good-bye, Elliot.

530
00:19:52,974 --> 00:19:54,802
More like "Smelliot."Alan.

531
00:19:54,889 --> 00:19:56,934
♪ Men.♪

532
00:20:01,809 --> 00:20:02,984
♪ Men.♪

533
00:20:03,071 --> 00:20:04,420
You doing okay?

534
00:20:04,507 --> 00:20:06,683
Yeah.

535
00:20:06,770 --> 00:20:08,685
Can you show me
the picture of him?

536
00:20:08,772 --> 00:20:10,470
Oh, please, don'’t put yourself
through this.

537
00:20:10,557 --> 00:20:12,428
Come on, just
one more time.

538
00:20:12,515 --> 00:20:13,821
Okay.

539
00:20:13,908 --> 00:20:15,823
Here.

540
00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:20,828
Look at him.

541
00:20:20,915 --> 00:20:22,308
He'’s perfect.

542
00:20:25,311 --> 00:20:28,575
I'’m sorry this didn'’t work out
as planned.

543
00:20:28,662 --> 00:20:31,491
He still owes me a high-five.

544
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:34,189
Don'’t worry.

545
00:20:34,276 --> 00:20:35,930
We'’ll find our kid.

546
00:20:38,062 --> 00:20:40,369
I know.

547
00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:44,155
In the meantime,
you'’re still married to me.

548
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,201
[sobbing]

549
00:20:46,288 --> 00:20:48,203
Yes, I am.

550
00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:53,426
Why couldn'’t Kathy take you
and give me the baby?!

551
00:20:53,513 --> 00:20:57,343
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org