1
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Previously on
Two and a Half Men...

2
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I almost died, Alan.

3
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But the important thing is
you didn'’t.

4
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Other than you guys
and my mom, I got nobody.

5
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At least you got Jake.
I want to have a kid of my own.

6
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There'’s no way you'’re getting
a baby-- you'’re a single guy,

7
00:00:13,578 --> 00:00:15,319
and the system is really geared
towards married couples.

8
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Alan Harper,
will you marry me?

9
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I now pronounce you married.

10
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You may kiss.

11
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♪ Men.♪

12
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Um, yes, this is Walden Schmidt.

13
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I'’d like to order
a credit card for my husband,

14
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Mr. Alan Harper-Schmidt.

15
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Uh, yeah, and, uh,
refresh my memory.

16
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What'’s the cash advance limit
on my black card?

17
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Holy new Rolex.

18
00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:50,920
Oh, oh, m-my mother'’s
maiden name?

19
00:00:51,007 --> 00:00:54,141
Uh, I didn'’t really know her
before she was married, so...

20
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Morning.

21
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Um, uh, I'’ll call back later.

22
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Charities.

23
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It'’s not like the kids won'’t
still be starving in an hour.

24
00:01:03,454 --> 00:01:05,369
Um...

25
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Hey, I was meaning
to ask you something.

26
00:01:07,502 --> 00:01:09,895
Um, what'’s your
mother'’s maiden name?

27
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This might be easier if I just
give you my online password.Oh.

28
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It'’s "Don'’t order
credit cards in my name."

29
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Right, uh, all one word,
no spaces?

30
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Hey, there'’s
the newlyweds.

31
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I made you some
honeymoon pancakes.

32
00:01:25,781 --> 00:01:27,522
Aw...

33
00:01:27,609 --> 00:01:29,219
They'’re in the shapes
of hearts and arrows.

34
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Oh, actually,
they'’re asses and...

35
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Uh, sure--
hearts and arrows.

36
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[laughs]

37
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Alan, my arrow'’s twice
as big as yours.

38
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Mine'’s life-size.

39
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I'’m still gonna be hungry.

40
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I just realized,
Walden,

41
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that I worked for you
when you were single.

42
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And now you'’re married.

43
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Maybe someday I'’ll be working
for you when you'’re a widower.

44
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Bacon, Zippy?

45
00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:57,378
So, how'’s the adoption
process going?

46
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Is somebody other than Alan
calling you "Daddy"?

47
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It'’s going great.

48
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We have a meeting with
the social services department

49
00:02:08,171 --> 00:02:09,085
this week.

50
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Nice.

51
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So, if you do get a kid,
which room is he gonna live in?

52
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Oh, guys, I'’m kind of
a drunken slut,

53
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I don'’t think I should
share a room with a baby.

54
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

55
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♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
♪ Men.

56
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♪ Men.♪

57
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Hey, what ya doing?

58
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Oh, paperwork for our meeting
with the social worker.

59
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Um, household
net worth.

60
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Well, let'’s see, uh, you'’re
worth a billion dollars,

61
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so together we are worth...

62
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A little bit less than
a billion dollars.

63
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Hey, so Evelyn said it'’s cool
if I crash at her place.

64
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What, wait--
it was that easy?

65
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My mom never
lets me stay there.

66
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Yeah, she'’s gonna let me live
in the guest house.

67
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There'’s a guest house?!

68
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If-if you need, uh, help
moving, let us know.

69
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Thanks, but Evelyn said
I could borrow the Range Rover.

70
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There'’s a Range Rover?!

71
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Oh, hey, uh, what should
I put down for, uh...

72
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"Why do you want
to adopt a child?"

73
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Hmm.

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'’Cause we'’re dudes,

75
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and we don'’t have
baby holes?

76
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[laughing]

77
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You know you have
to sell yourself

78
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as a real couple, right?

79
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We are a real couple.

80
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That'’s why we got married
in the first place.

81
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Yeah, it also gave us the chance
to register at Crate & Barrel

82
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for this fabulous stemware.

83
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[chimes]Ding.

84
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See, you'’re making jokes instead

85
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of expressing real emotion.

86
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You'’re gonna have to prove that
you'’re a real couple, you know?

87
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That you'’re in love,
that you'’re soul mates,

88
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that you can'’t survive
without the other.

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I actually can'’t survive
without him.

90
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I am just saying,

91
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I don'’t want to see you

92
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put all this work in and not get

93
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the payoff you deserve.

94
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It'’s like when you get
"the tap."

95
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Get the what?The tap.

96
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You know, when you'’re
in bed with a girl,

97
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and you'’ve been
down there for a while,

98
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and suddenly she gives you
the old "Thanks for trying" tap

99
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on the top of the head.

100
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Ah...

101
00:04:02,807 --> 00:04:05,897
Oh, yeah, the tap, yeah.

102
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I hate the tap.
Mm.

103
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You know, I am sure
that we can be believable

104
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as a loving couple.

105
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You want to see believable?
This... [stammers]

106
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Watch.

107
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Alan,

108
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I love you.

109
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And I love you, Walden.

110
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[laughing]

111
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I'’m sorry.

112
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You have this one nose hair
that keeps going in and out.Oh.

113
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And I laughed because
no one could possibly love me.

114
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♪ Men.♪

115
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Guess what I just finished.

116
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Once again,
you don'’t have to tell me

117
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every time you masturbate.

118
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I will not apologize
for sharing my day with you.

119
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But that is not this.

120
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It is my essay describing

121
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what I love about my spouse

122
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for our meeting
with the social worker.

123
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Ah, good, I'’m so nervous
about this meeting.

124
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I'’m somehow constipated and
wracked with explosive diarrhea.

125
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You'’re not the only one
who can share his day.

126
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Well, after she reads this,

127
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there'’s no way she won'’t
believe we'’re a couple.

128
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Okay, uh, "Walden is the most
caring person I know.

129
00:05:12,877 --> 00:05:14,705
He always puts my needs
before his own."

130
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Uh, "Whether it'’s surprising me

131
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"with an espresso and a
chocolate croissant in bed,

132
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"glamping in a yurt
at Big Sur,

133
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"or sneaking up behind me
in the shower with a loofah

134
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to exfoliate those hard-to-reach
places..."

135
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"...he'’s my everything--

136
00:05:28,589 --> 00:05:31,679
my husband, my lover,
my friend."

137
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"My Wally Bear."

138
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My God.

139
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I know.

140
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Now read me yours.

141
00:05:44,213 --> 00:05:46,911
Okay, um...

142
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"Alan is my best friend."

143
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Loving it!

144
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"He'’s 47 years old.

145
00:05:57,661 --> 00:05:59,837
"He used to be a chiropractor.

146
00:05:59,924 --> 00:06:02,579
"He has never been
convicted of a felony.

147
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And his favorite meal
is swordfish."

148
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Are you kidding me?

149
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That'’swhat you love about me?

150
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That I'’ve never
been convictedof a felony?

151
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,898
I told you it'’s
a work in progress.

152
00:06:16,985 --> 00:06:18,595
What do you want me to say?

153
00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:21,163
He masturbates
with impressive frequency?

154
00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:23,687
At least that would show
you'’re paying attention.

155
00:06:23,774 --> 00:06:25,428
[doorbell rings]And, by the way--

156
00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:28,518
my favorite meal
is red snapper.

157
00:06:33,305 --> 00:06:34,437
Hi, Alan.

158
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Walden.

159
00:06:36,134 --> 00:06:38,441
Lyndsey, what'’s, uh,
what'’s going on?

160
00:06:38,528 --> 00:06:39,877
I-I thought you were
in rehab.

161
00:06:39,964 --> 00:06:42,053
I was, I-I got out
a couple days ago.

162
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Oh, well, that'’s great.
C-Come on it.

163
00:06:46,101 --> 00:06:49,409
How'’d it go?It was the hardest thing
I'’ve ever done in my life.

164
00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:51,062
But-but on the plus side,

165
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it was right up the
street here in Malibu,

166
00:06:53,064 --> 00:06:55,371
so ocean views,
spa, chef,

167
00:06:55,458 --> 00:06:56,851
it was like
a five-star hotel.

168
00:06:56,938 --> 00:07:00,507
Except they take
your shoelaces.

169
00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:03,684
Well, I'’m sure you two have
a lot to talk about.

170
00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:05,642
So, I'’m just gonna go
in the kitchen

171
00:07:05,729 --> 00:07:06,948
and pretend I'’m not listening.

172
00:07:09,298 --> 00:07:13,128
Um, so, Lyndsey,
I-I'’m so proud of you.

173
00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:14,521
Uh, how are you doing?

174
00:07:14,608 --> 00:07:16,174
I'’m good.

175
00:07:16,261 --> 00:07:18,002
Um, I-I just got
my 60-day chip.
Oh.

176
00:07:18,089 --> 00:07:21,136
And part of my recovery
is to make amends

177
00:07:21,223 --> 00:07:22,746
to the people I'’ve hurt.

178
00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:24,487
So, I apologize for everything

179
00:07:24,574 --> 00:07:27,011
I did to you
while I was drinking.

180
00:07:27,098 --> 00:07:29,361
Oh, well, I appreciate that, um,

181
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,276
but some of the things
you did to me,

182
00:07:31,363 --> 00:07:32,452
you don'’t have to apologize for.

183
00:07:34,018 --> 00:07:35,846
I mean, we had sex
in a Chipotle.

184
00:07:37,979 --> 00:07:41,504
I ate my burrito,
you ate my burrito.

185
00:07:43,506 --> 00:07:45,595
I ate your taco.

186
00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:48,380
And I later threw up
in your car.

187
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,949
Yes, uh, but chunks weren'’t the
only thing you blew that day.

188
00:07:55,605 --> 00:07:59,304
Um, there is one other thing.

189
00:07:59,391 --> 00:08:02,830
If-if I haven'’t burned
too many bridges,

190
00:08:02,917 --> 00:08:06,355
I was wondering if maybe you
and I could give it another try.

191
00:08:06,442 --> 00:08:07,530
Oh, wow.

192
00:08:07,617 --> 00:08:08,531
Wow, that-that
is flattering.

193
00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:10,054
Um, it'’s just...

194
00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:11,491
[sighs]
You'’re seeing somebody else.

195
00:08:11,578 --> 00:08:15,190
Uh, kind of, um...

196
00:08:15,277 --> 00:08:16,713
Uh, uh, I'’m...

197
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,498
You'’re married?!

198
00:08:19,716 --> 00:08:20,848
That doesn'’t make any sense.

199
00:08:20,935 --> 00:08:21,892
Who is she?

200
00:08:21,979 --> 00:08:24,982
Uh...

201
00:08:25,069 --> 00:08:28,029
Uh, she is-is
actually, uh, a "he."

202
00:08:28,116 --> 00:08:29,465
Um...

203
00:08:29,552 --> 00:08:31,119
It'’s... it'’s Walden.

204
00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:33,556
Oh, my God.

205
00:08:34,731 --> 00:08:36,864
Walden'’s gay?!

206
00:08:39,562 --> 00:08:41,564
♪ Men.♪

207
00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:43,653
So, I guess what
I'’m interested in is

208
00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:45,176
how you two got together.

209
00:08:45,263 --> 00:08:47,527
Uh, well, w-we met
at the dog park.

210
00:08:47,614 --> 00:08:50,181
His Labradoodle
sniffed my shih tzu.

211
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,750
I remember when I proposed.

212
00:08:53,837 --> 00:08:55,709
I-I got down on one knee,

213
00:08:55,796 --> 00:08:57,537
and I looked up
into his beautiful...

214
00:08:58,886 --> 00:09:01,323
...blue eyes,

215
00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:03,543
and I asked him to share
his life with me.

216
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:05,762
I guess what
I'’m getting at is the fact

217
00:09:05,849 --> 00:09:08,025
that you'’ve both been
married to women before.

218
00:09:08,112 --> 00:09:09,853
So, when did you realize
you were gay?

219
00:09:09,940 --> 00:09:13,683
Oh, well, on some level,
I'’ve always known. Um...

220
00:09:15,642 --> 00:09:18,079
I mean, throughout, uh,
both of my marriages,

221
00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:19,907
I was in complete denial.

222
00:09:19,994 --> 00:09:21,212
Um, but after I met Walden,

223
00:09:21,299 --> 00:09:23,606
I finally felt safe
to-to be myself.

224
00:09:23,693 --> 00:09:25,608
Uh, I remember
our first date.

225
00:09:25,695 --> 00:09:27,567
Uh, we went to the Bowl to
see the Greasesing-along.

226
00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:29,307
Ah, "Tell me more,
tell me more."

227
00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:31,266
Well, uh, Walden was
dressed as Danny Zuko,

228
00:09:31,353 --> 00:09:32,876
uh, and I was Sandy--

229
00:09:32,963 --> 00:09:34,486
uh, hot Sandy, you
know, in the leather.

230
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,140
No, no, no, I was doing
the song, you know--

231
00:09:36,227 --> 00:09:37,446
♪ Tell me more,
tell me more... ♪

232
00:09:37,533 --> 00:09:39,883
Oh, my God!

233
00:09:39,970 --> 00:09:41,363
Did I miss a show tune cue?!

234
00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:42,451
[laughs]

235
00:09:42,538 --> 00:09:44,714
Somebody take away my gay card.

236
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,500
And how about you, Walden?

237
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,415
When did you know you were gay?

238
00:09:50,502 --> 00:09:54,332
I guess my first clue was
when I saw Basic Instinct.

239
00:09:54,419 --> 00:09:56,900
All my friends were looking up
Sharon Stone'’s skirt,

240
00:09:56,987 --> 00:09:58,772
and I was just looking
at her shoes.

241
00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:03,646
And I guess I got married
because of social pressures,

242
00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:06,910
but, eventually,
I had to be true to who I am.

243
00:10:06,997 --> 00:10:08,346
And I'’ve never
looked back since.

244
00:10:08,433 --> 00:10:10,392
Unless I'’m behind him.

245
00:10:10,479 --> 00:10:13,090
[both laughing nervously]

246
00:10:15,179 --> 00:10:17,094
[laughing nervously]:
That'’s a good one.

247
00:10:17,181 --> 00:10:18,705
Ah...

248
00:10:18,792 --> 00:10:21,925
You two are
an interesting couple.

249
00:10:22,012 --> 00:10:23,710
Yeah, I see hundreds
of potential parents,

250
00:10:23,797 --> 00:10:24,972
but you two are
different somehow.

251
00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:26,234
I'’m not sure what it is.

252
00:10:26,321 --> 00:10:28,236
Well, uh, maybe it'’s the fact

253
00:10:28,323 --> 00:10:30,630
that I-I look like I'’m wearing
makeup, but I'’m not.

254
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:35,765
Y-You know, we may not be
like other couples, but...

255
00:10:35,852 --> 00:10:37,549
I know we can be
good parents.

256
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,334
I get that, but it is my job

257
00:10:39,421 --> 00:10:41,597
to be a hundred percent sure
before I place a child.

258
00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:43,381
No, n-no,
look, look...

259
00:10:43,468 --> 00:10:46,602
I-I know we can provide
unconditional love to a child,

260
00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:50,737
a-and w-we can create a safe,
secure environment, and...

261
00:10:52,303 --> 00:10:54,523
What do people
that get kids say?

262
00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:56,046
How about this--

263
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:57,569
how about I come out
to your house?

264
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,267
We normally do
a site visit anyway.

265
00:10:59,354 --> 00:11:01,356
This way I could get to know
you guys a little better.

266
00:11:01,443 --> 00:11:03,271
Yeah, great, yeah,
why don'’t you come on over,

267
00:11:03,358 --> 00:11:06,100
and you'’ll see that we'’re
j-just a normal loving couple.

268
00:11:06,187 --> 00:11:07,579
Right, sweetie?

269
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,451
That-that'’s right,
Wally Bear.

270
00:11:09,538 --> 00:11:10,800
I love this guy.

271
00:11:15,152 --> 00:11:16,893
♪ Men.♪

272
00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:22,551
♪ Men.♪

273
00:11:22,638 --> 00:11:23,552
Hey.

274
00:11:23,639 --> 00:11:24,901
Oh, flowers.
Nice touch.

275
00:11:24,988 --> 00:11:26,511
Gives the house a homey feel.

276
00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:28,165
They'’re for you.

277
00:11:28,252 --> 00:11:29,906
Really?

278
00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:32,256
I'’m, uh, actually a lily man.

279
00:11:32,343 --> 00:11:33,954
Uh, but they'’re very nice.

280
00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:35,042
Alan, listen.

281
00:11:35,129 --> 00:11:36,652
Jenny was right.

282
00:11:36,739 --> 00:11:38,698
We are not believable
as a loving couple,

283
00:11:38,785 --> 00:11:41,222
and I think that'’s why Miss
McMartin wasn'’t sure about us.

284
00:11:41,309 --> 00:11:42,789
Now, this has
to be real.

285
00:11:42,876 --> 00:11:44,486
And that includes--

286
00:11:44,573 --> 00:11:46,706
being comfortable with
physical affection.

287
00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:48,708
Like this.

288
00:11:51,536 --> 00:11:52,537
Come on.

289
00:11:52,624 --> 00:11:54,365
Loosen up.

290
00:11:54,452 --> 00:11:57,368
I-I'’m loose, it just feels
a little forced, that'’s all.

291
00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:59,806
Okay, well, let
it be natural.

292
00:11:59,893 --> 00:12:01,721
Just snuggle into
these broad shoulders.

293
00:12:08,031 --> 00:12:09,946
I do feel safe.

294
00:12:10,033 --> 00:12:12,209
Damn right, you do.

295
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:14,168
You'’re with
your Wally Bear.

296
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:18,781
Now, look
into my eyes.

297
00:12:18,868 --> 00:12:20,087
Like this?

298
00:12:20,174 --> 00:12:21,088
Yeah, exactly.

299
00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:22,742
And don'’t look away.

300
00:12:26,354 --> 00:12:28,051
We love each other.

301
00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:29,183
You'’re at home.

302
00:12:31,141 --> 00:12:34,231
Oh, I just noticed a little
green fleck in your right eye.

303
00:12:34,318 --> 00:12:36,059
It'’s like a-a downy
patch of moss

304
00:12:36,146 --> 00:12:38,496
on the trunk
of a majestic oak.

305
00:12:38,583 --> 00:12:40,803
[whispering]:
Thank you.

306
00:12:42,979 --> 00:12:45,634
Sometimes I worry that I'’m not
good-looking enough for you.

307
00:12:45,721 --> 00:12:47,941
Come on.

308
00:12:48,028 --> 00:12:49,290
You'’re perfect just
the way you are.

309
00:12:50,726 --> 00:12:51,945
My Alley Cat.

310
00:12:53,555 --> 00:12:54,948
A nickname.

311
00:12:56,297 --> 00:12:58,734
Sometimes...

312
00:12:58,821 --> 00:13:02,085
I worry that you don'’t know
how much you mean to me.

313
00:13:02,172 --> 00:13:05,088
I want to be
your everything.

314
00:13:19,276 --> 00:13:22,192
All right, yeah!

315
00:13:22,279 --> 00:13:24,325
That was convincing.

316
00:13:24,412 --> 00:13:25,935
We do that in front
of Miss McMartin,

317
00:13:26,022 --> 00:13:27,676
we'’ll get ten babies.

318
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:29,417
Yeah, yeah.

319
00:13:29,504 --> 00:13:32,507
That was good enough
to fool just about anyone.

320
00:13:32,594 --> 00:13:34,161
[chuckles nervously]

321
00:13:34,248 --> 00:13:36,206
[sighs]

322
00:13:36,293 --> 00:13:38,556
♪ Men.♪

323
00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:40,863
So, this is
our kitchen.

324
00:13:40,950 --> 00:13:42,212
We love to
cook together.

325
00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:43,648
Uh, correction,
I love to cook,

326
00:13:43,735 --> 00:13:45,346
he loves to eat.

327
00:13:45,433 --> 00:13:48,349
See? This is what
I wanted to see.

328
00:13:48,436 --> 00:13:50,003
The two of you just
being yourselves.

329
00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:51,439
Happy, relaxed.

330
00:13:51,526 --> 00:13:53,093
[doorbell rings]Oh, I'’ll get that.

331
00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:55,008
If you really want
to see us relaxed

332
00:13:55,095 --> 00:13:56,966
you should come by
for brunch someday.

333
00:13:57,053 --> 00:13:59,577
The Mary'’s are bloody
and the Lorraine'’s are quiche.

334
00:13:59,664 --> 00:14:02,189
Oh, I can see why
you fell in love with him.

335
00:14:02,276 --> 00:14:04,582
Really?

336
00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:07,107
What did you see exactly?

337
00:14:08,717 --> 00:14:10,762
Alan!

338
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,764
Lyndsey?

339
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,418
Um, have you
been drinking?

340
00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:17,682
Uh, ding-ding-ding,
we have a wiener...

341
00:14:17,769 --> 00:14:19,075
Whoa, whoa,
okay, okay, shh!

342
00:14:19,162 --> 00:14:20,250
W-What are you
doing here?

343
00:14:20,337 --> 00:14:22,731
Well, you said
you and Walden

344
00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:24,776
are just getting married
to get a kid.

345
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:28,084
So, there'’s no reason you can'’t
have sex with me on the side.

346
00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:29,825
You know, the "DL."

347
00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:32,784
That means "Do Lyndsey."

348
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:35,657
Okay, okay, okay, this
is not a good time.

349
00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:37,050
Uh, the-the social
worker'’s here.

350
00:14:37,137 --> 00:14:38,268
Oh, that'’s great!

351
00:14:38,355 --> 00:14:40,009
I can help you guys.

352
00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:42,272
I can tell her that
you'’ll be good parents.

353
00:14:42,359 --> 00:14:44,144
And I know because
I'’m a g... Oh.

354
00:14:45,928 --> 00:14:47,930
...mother.

355
00:14:48,017 --> 00:14:50,150
Okay, um...

356
00:14:50,237 --> 00:14:52,761
maybe-maybe we should go
to my room a-and talk.

357
00:14:52,848 --> 00:14:56,417
I won'’t be able to talk much,
'’cause my mouth will be full.

358
00:14:56,504 --> 00:14:57,897
Wink, wink.

359
00:14:57,984 --> 00:14:59,811
[giggles]Hopefully with breath mints.

360
00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:04,729
You wait in here and I will
call a cab to take you home.

361
00:15:04,816 --> 00:15:08,646
My home is in your pants.

362
00:15:08,733 --> 00:15:11,084
What happened? Why did
you start drinking again?

363
00:15:11,171 --> 00:15:12,999
Well, '’cause you married Walden.

364
00:15:13,086 --> 00:15:15,653
The only person in your life
who'’s prettier than me.

365
00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:17,829
But you know we'’re just
doing that to get a kid.

366
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:20,484
Yeah, but if I wasn'’t
so screwed up last year,

367
00:15:20,571 --> 00:15:22,095
then we would still be together.

368
00:15:22,182 --> 00:15:24,314
Then we could get married
and have a baby. [gasps]

369
00:15:24,401 --> 00:15:26,186
We could sell that baby
to Walden.

370
00:15:26,273 --> 00:15:28,144
'’Cause let'’s face it,

371
00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:30,059
we don'’t want to raise
another kid,

372
00:15:30,146 --> 00:15:31,974
'’cause both our kids suck.

373
00:15:32,061 --> 00:15:34,281
Okay, uh, refreshing,
drunk honesty aside,

374
00:15:34,368 --> 00:15:35,543
um, d-don'’t blame yourself.

375
00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:37,501
We all made mistakes.

376
00:15:37,588 --> 00:15:39,677
But we shouldn'’t let those
mistakes ruin things for Walden.

377
00:15:39,764 --> 00:15:41,592
Shh. You talk too much.

378
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:43,203
Let'’s party.

379
00:15:46,597 --> 00:15:48,686
Lyndsey? Lyndsey?

380
00:15:48,773 --> 00:15:50,993
[groans]

381
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,953
Wow, a half-naked drunk girl
is in my bed and I'’m leaving.

382
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,171
Maybe I am gay.

383
00:15:56,912 --> 00:15:59,393
I like to imagine the
family gathered here,

384
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:01,917
eating an all-organic,
gluten-free meal

385
00:16:02,004 --> 00:16:04,485
of quinoa salad
and kale chips

386
00:16:04,572 --> 00:16:06,922
while watching the
original reality TV:

387
00:16:07,009 --> 00:16:09,359
a beautiful
ocean sunset.

388
00:16:09,446 --> 00:16:12,014
As long as this is a stable
environment for a child,

389
00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:13,842
I don'’t care
if you'’re eating Hot Pockets

390
00:16:13,929 --> 00:16:15,887
and watching Honey Boo Boo.

391
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:19,021
Uh, uh, Wally Bear, uh, can
I borrow you for a minute?

392
00:16:19,108 --> 00:16:21,589
Is it an emergency,
Alley Cat?

393
00:16:21,676 --> 00:16:25,332
Uh, it'’s more of a-a pickle, uh,
that needs immediate attention.

394
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:28,944
Oh, it'’s okay. Go.

395
00:16:29,031 --> 00:16:31,338
Yeah, I would never come between
a man and his husband'’s pickle.

396
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,343
Lyndsey'’s here.
She'’s drunk.

397
00:16:36,430 --> 00:16:37,518
Why?

398
00:16:37,605 --> 00:16:38,823
She wants to have sex with me.

399
00:16:38,910 --> 00:16:40,738
Why?

400
00:16:40,825 --> 00:16:41,913
Wait... Where is she?

401
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,524
She'’s passed out in my room.

402
00:16:43,611 --> 00:16:45,395
Okay, okay, we-we need
to get Ms. McMartin

403
00:16:45,482 --> 00:16:47,049
out of here as fast as we can.

404
00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:48,920
Right, right. Oh, um,
by the way, when Lyndsey

405
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,400
tried to kiss me,
I was totally into it.

406
00:16:50,487 --> 00:16:51,575
I don'’t know why I was worried.

407
00:16:51,662 --> 00:16:53,360
Worried about what?

408
00:16:53,447 --> 00:16:54,970
Nothing. Let'’s get her
out of here.

409
00:16:56,537 --> 00:16:57,929
Mm. Everything okay?

410
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,757
Yes, we just had
to reset the...

411
00:16:59,844 --> 00:17:01,933
The, um...
[mumbles]:
...flaven on the stave.

412
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,805
But, uh, everything'’s

413
00:17:03,892 --> 00:17:06,286
okay now. Uh, c-can
I get you anything?

414
00:17:06,373 --> 00:17:07,939
Like directions for
your drive home, or...

415
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,767
You know, I actually
do have to get going.

416
00:17:09,854 --> 00:17:11,421
I did not realize
it was this late.What?

417
00:17:11,508 --> 00:17:13,249
No.Oh.

418
00:17:13,336 --> 00:17:15,599
I'’m so
disappointed.Oh.

419
00:17:15,686 --> 00:17:17,601
I'’ll just get your things
and walk you out.

420
00:17:17,688 --> 00:17:19,908
Oh. There we go.[chuckles]

421
00:17:19,995 --> 00:17:21,779
I got to say,
you look at that view

422
00:17:21,866 --> 00:17:23,042
and you never want to leave.

423
00:17:23,129 --> 00:17:24,913
And yet you must.

424
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,654
Unless you want to adopt me.

425
00:17:26,741 --> 00:17:29,091
[chuckles] You'’re so funny.
Here'’s your jacket.

426
00:17:31,789 --> 00:17:32,877
WALDEN:
Oh, my God.

427
00:17:32,964 --> 00:17:34,836
What?Uh...

428
00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:36,620
This jacket,
it'’s-it'’s fantastic.

429
00:17:36,707 --> 00:17:39,232
What is this, wool?I think so, yeah.

430
00:17:39,319 --> 00:17:41,321
Really? Because I... I would'’ve
thought it was linen.

431
00:17:41,408 --> 00:17:42,974
Doesn'’t it feel
"linen-sy", Alan?

432
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,193
No, it'’s
definitely wool.

433
00:17:46,021 --> 00:17:47,849
Holy crap.What?

434
00:17:47,936 --> 00:17:49,981
Uh... I forgot to
flip the cushions

435
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,200
on the deck
furniture.

436
00:17:51,287 --> 00:17:52,419
Imagine the
mildew.

437
00:17:52,506 --> 00:17:54,551
Alan.

438
00:17:54,638 --> 00:17:56,553
Milady.

439
00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:01,819
Here we go,
almost got it.

440
00:18:01,906 --> 00:18:03,299
If you could
just stay still...

441
00:18:03,386 --> 00:18:04,431
Yeah... Oh.

442
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,653
Uh, all right, that'’s it.
That wasn'’t so hard, was it?

443
00:18:09,740 --> 00:18:11,655
Actually, it was a lot harder
than it needed to be, but...

444
00:18:11,742 --> 00:18:13,962
That'’s what he said.[both chuckle]

445
00:18:14,049 --> 00:18:16,007
Uh, well...Oh, your purse.

446
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,748
Well, thank you, guys.

447
00:18:17,835 --> 00:18:19,185
Uh, you'’ll be hearing
from me soon.

448
00:18:19,272 --> 00:18:20,795
Got it. Bye.

449
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:24,842
Oh, my God.

450
00:18:24,929 --> 00:18:26,714
Is Lyndsey okay?Oh, sure.

451
00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:28,324
She'’s practically
indestructible when she'’s drunk.

452
00:18:28,411 --> 00:18:30,196
I'’ve seen her fall down
a flight of stairs

453
00:18:30,283 --> 00:18:31,327
and not spill her mojito.

454
00:18:31,414 --> 00:18:32,459
[knocking]

455
00:18:33,764 --> 00:18:37,159
I'’m so sorry,
I forgot my phone.

456
00:18:37,246 --> 00:18:39,683
Oh. Here it is, right
here on the table. Hey.Oh, hey. Ho!

457
00:18:39,770 --> 00:18:41,685
[laughs] Got it. And
get the hell out of here.

458
00:18:41,772 --> 00:18:44,558
Oh, one last thing. Um, I'’m not
supposed to say anything,

459
00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:46,516
but unless something
crazy happens,

460
00:18:46,603 --> 00:18:47,822
you'’re gonna get approved.

461
00:18:48,779 --> 00:18:49,693
Seriously?

462
00:18:49,780 --> 00:18:50,999
Get out of here.

463
00:18:51,086 --> 00:18:52,218
Seriously.

464
00:18:52,305 --> 00:18:55,177
I'’m here to help
with the baby.

465
00:18:55,264 --> 00:18:56,178
Seriously?

466
00:18:56,265 --> 00:18:57,223
Who is this?

467
00:18:57,310 --> 00:18:58,963
Uh, uh, she is...

468
00:18:59,050 --> 00:19:01,705
Oh, you know what,
this happens all the time.

469
00:19:01,792 --> 00:19:03,577
Tourists get an out-of-date
map to celebrity homes.

470
00:19:03,664 --> 00:19:07,885
Honey, Charlie Sheen
doesn'’t live here anymore.

471
00:19:07,972 --> 00:19:10,323
JENNY:
Lyndsey?

472
00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:11,759
Hi.

473
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:13,021
And who is this?

474
00:19:13,108 --> 00:19:15,415
I fell down
in the sand.

475
00:19:15,502 --> 00:19:16,938
This is...

476
00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:18,766
I'’m the next-door
neighbor. Hi.

477
00:19:18,853 --> 00:19:20,028
Uh, we were having
a get-together

478
00:19:20,115 --> 00:19:22,030
and this one got away.

479
00:19:22,117 --> 00:19:23,292
Our next-door
neighbor.That... Oh, that'’s right,

480
00:19:23,379 --> 00:19:24,772
I remember you

481
00:19:24,859 --> 00:19:26,426
from the Fourth of
July block party.

482
00:19:26,513 --> 00:19:28,950
Yeah... Oh, which, by the way,
is amazing for kids.

483
00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:30,386
A waterslide,
shaved ice.

484
00:19:30,473 --> 00:19:32,910
My waterslide'’s
shaved.

485
00:19:32,997 --> 00:19:35,435
Okay, time to go home.

486
00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:36,871
And, um, you know what?

487
00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:39,090
These guys are great.
Ask anyone on our block.

488
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,918
We'’re all pulling for them
to get a kid.

489
00:19:41,005 --> 00:19:42,572
Thank you.You'’re very
sweet.

490
00:19:42,659 --> 00:19:44,226
Okay, here we go.

491
00:19:44,313 --> 00:19:45,401
No, where are you
taking me?

492
00:19:45,488 --> 00:19:46,620
To get a drink.

493
00:19:46,707 --> 00:19:48,143
Aw, you'’re
my best friend.

494
00:19:49,927 --> 00:19:52,103
Boy. Glad I never
gave her a baby.

495
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:54,410
You and me both.

496
00:19:54,497 --> 00:19:56,151
♪ Men.♪

497
00:20:00,416 --> 00:20:01,678
♪ Men.♪
Hey.

498
00:20:01,765 --> 00:20:03,245
Alan, what is the one thing

499
00:20:03,332 --> 00:20:04,986
you'’ve never gotten
from your mother?

500
00:20:05,073 --> 00:20:07,641
Uh, let'’s see, uh,
love, respect,

501
00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:09,730
a home-cooked meal,
breast milk, um...

502
00:20:09,817 --> 00:20:12,385
Okay, this is gonna
take too long.

503
00:20:12,472 --> 00:20:13,821
Approval.

504
00:20:13,908 --> 00:20:15,431
Wait, are-are you
trying to tell me

505
00:20:15,518 --> 00:20:17,041
Ms. McMartin
approved us to adopt?

506
00:20:17,128 --> 00:20:18,608
Yeah.Oh, my God.

507
00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:20,001
Oh, my God,
that'’s great.

508
00:20:20,088 --> 00:20:21,742
[laughs]
I am really happy for you.

509
00:20:21,829 --> 00:20:24,135
Thank you. I-I couldn'’t
have done this without you.

510
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:27,095
And so, to say thank you,
I got you a little something.

511
00:20:27,182 --> 00:20:29,184
Oh, you didn'’t have to.

512
00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:31,055
Oh, my God.

513
00:20:31,142 --> 00:20:33,057
Tickets to the Grease
sing-along at the Bowl.

514
00:20:33,144 --> 00:20:34,624
You can take anyone you want.

515
00:20:34,711 --> 00:20:36,539
♪ You'’re the one that I want ♪Aw!

516
00:20:36,626 --> 00:20:39,455
♪ You are the one I want,
ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪

517
00:20:39,542 --> 00:20:41,457
Fine.

518
00:20:41,544 --> 00:20:44,068
♪ We'’ll go together
like... ♪ [laughs]

519
00:20:44,155 --> 00:20:46,288
Oh, my God, I'’m turning
into my husband.

520
00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:50,118
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org