1
00:00:02,828 --> 00:00:04,526
Previously on
Two and a Half Men...I'’m dead.

2
00:00:04,613 --> 00:00:05,875
You'’re in the hospital.You had a mild heart attack.

3
00:00:05,962 --> 00:00:07,485
I almost died, Alan.

4
00:00:07,572 --> 00:00:09,009
But the important thing is
you didn'’t.

5
00:00:09,096 --> 00:00:11,185
Other than you guys and my mom,
I got nobody.

6
00:00:11,272 --> 00:00:12,534
At least you
got Jake.

7
00:00:12,621 --> 00:00:14,275
I want to have a kid of my own.

8
00:00:14,362 --> 00:00:16,755
You are obviously more
than qualified.
Thank you.

9
00:00:16,842 --> 00:00:18,670
I'’d start looking
at golden retriever puppies,

10
00:00:18,757 --> 00:00:20,020
'’cause there'’s no way
you'’re getting a baby.

11
00:00:20,107 --> 00:00:21,804
You'’re a single guy,
and the system

12
00:00:21,891 --> 00:00:23,284
is really geared
towards married couples.

13
00:00:23,371 --> 00:00:25,590
Alan Harper,
will you marry me?

14
00:00:28,115 --> 00:00:30,117
♪ Men.♪

15
00:00:30,204 --> 00:00:32,293
Wait. You seriously
want to marry me?

16
00:00:32,380 --> 00:00:33,729
Yes.

17
00:00:33,816 --> 00:00:35,774
Alan Jerome Harper,

18
00:00:35,861 --> 00:00:38,342
would you be my wi...?

19
00:00:38,429 --> 00:00:41,650
Hus...?

20
00:00:41,737 --> 00:00:42,999
Life buddy?

21
00:00:43,086 --> 00:00:45,175
Okay, I'’m a little confused.

22
00:00:45,262 --> 00:00:49,049
And not like the time I-I got
that massage from that lady-boy.

23
00:00:50,963 --> 00:00:52,878
Look, I want
to adopt a kid,

24
00:00:52,965 --> 00:00:56,012
and the quickest way for me
to do that is to get married.

25
00:00:56,099 --> 00:00:58,145
And if I'’m gonna
settle for someone,

26
00:00:58,232 --> 00:01:00,016
it might as well be you.

27
00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:02,758
That'’s exactly what
my first wife said.

28
00:01:02,845 --> 00:01:05,543
Listen, I-I know
this sounds crazy,

29
00:01:05,630 --> 00:01:09,069
but you would be doing me
the biggest favor of my life.

30
00:01:09,156 --> 00:01:10,548
Walden, there are
literally millions of women

31
00:01:10,635 --> 00:01:12,681
who would marry you
at the drop of a hat.

32
00:01:12,768 --> 00:01:14,291
Yeah, but I wouldn'’t be
half as happy

33
00:01:14,378 --> 00:01:16,337
with any of them
as I would be with you.

34
00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:17,990
Go on.

35
00:01:20,776 --> 00:01:23,822
When-when I think of
the ten things I want in a wife,

36
00:01:23,909 --> 00:01:25,650
you have nine of them.

37
00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:27,870
You'’re my best friend,
you'’re trustworthy,

38
00:01:27,957 --> 00:01:31,221
you'’re loving, you'’re smart,
you'’ll never leave me.

39
00:01:31,308 --> 00:01:33,876
Married or not, till
death do us part.

40
00:01:33,963 --> 00:01:36,052
You'’re funny,
you'’re understanding.

41
00:01:36,139 --> 00:01:38,533
You don'’t care
if I leave the toilet seat up.

42
00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:40,404
I actually prefer it.

43
00:01:40,491 --> 00:01:42,493
Although, the other night,
I forgot it was up,

44
00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:44,016
and I had a surprise
splash-down.

45
00:01:45,453 --> 00:01:49,021
I was like a
turtle on its back.

46
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,110
Right there. That'’s another one.

47
00:01:50,197 --> 00:01:51,720
As long as you'’re around,

48
00:01:51,807 --> 00:01:53,983
I will never be the most
awkward guy in the room.

49
00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:55,767
So, what'’s the one thing

50
00:01:55,854 --> 00:01:58,683
you want in a wife
that I don'’t have?

51
00:01:58,770 --> 00:02:00,555
Oh. Right, right.

52
00:02:00,642 --> 00:02:03,384
I-I do not have
one of those.

53
00:02:03,471 --> 00:02:05,037
I barely have one of these.

54
00:02:08,171 --> 00:02:10,086
I mean, how would
this work exactly?

55
00:02:10,173 --> 00:02:12,610
I mean, we'’re gonna
pretend to be a couple?

56
00:02:12,697 --> 00:02:14,308
We wouldn'’t pretend.

57
00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:17,311
We'’re actually going
to be a same-sex married couple.

58
00:02:17,398 --> 00:02:20,792
And like most married couples,
we will not have sex.

59
00:02:21,924 --> 00:02:24,579
Not even on my birthday?

60
00:02:24,666 --> 00:02:28,322
Sorry, sorry... flashback
to the first wife.

61
00:02:28,409 --> 00:02:30,585
So, so, I can have
crazy, anonymous sex

62
00:02:30,672 --> 00:02:32,456
with any woman I want?

63
00:02:32,543 --> 00:02:35,720
No. You will still be you.

64
00:02:35,807 --> 00:02:38,114
Oh.

65
00:02:40,072 --> 00:02:42,510
Mr. Alan Harper-Schmidt.

66
00:02:44,251 --> 00:02:46,253
Dr. Alan Schmidt.

67
00:02:46,340 --> 00:02:47,602
What are you doing?

68
00:02:47,689 --> 00:02:50,735
Oh, just trying
to see what sounds best.

69
00:02:50,822 --> 00:02:52,607
Yes, Mr. and Mr. Harper-Schmidt,

70
00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:54,130
welcome back
to the Four Seasons.

71
00:02:54,217 --> 00:02:56,088
Your ocean front suite is ready.

72
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:58,352
Okay, cut the Schmidt.

73
00:02:58,439 --> 00:03:00,919
Oh, yeah, I'’d have
to put up with that Schmidt.

74
00:03:01,006 --> 00:03:02,834
But you know what?
I'’m gonna own it.

75
00:03:02,921 --> 00:03:04,401
I don'’t give a Schmidt.

76
00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:06,969
What are you saying?

77
00:03:07,056 --> 00:03:09,580
I'’m saying, yes, I'’ll marry you,
you big dumb Schmidt.

78
00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,408
[laughing]

79
00:03:11,495 --> 00:03:13,715
Ah.

80
00:03:13,802 --> 00:03:16,979
Oh, please tell me that'’s
ChapStick in your pocket.

81
00:03:17,066 --> 00:03:19,851
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

82
00:03:19,938 --> 00:03:22,593
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
♪ Men.

83
00:03:26,728 --> 00:03:27,772
♪ Men.♪

84
00:03:27,859 --> 00:03:29,121
[doorbell rings]

85
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,688
Hi, Mom.
Thanks for coming over.

86
00:03:30,775 --> 00:03:32,168
What is so important

87
00:03:32,255 --> 00:03:35,302
that I had to leave halfway
through my bikini wax?

88
00:03:35,389 --> 00:03:37,391
I look like a black
and white cookie.

89
00:03:39,567 --> 00:03:43,223
Wow. In one fell swoop, there
goes cookies and vaginas.

90
00:03:44,746 --> 00:03:47,314
What'’s going on?

91
00:03:47,401 --> 00:03:49,620
Is this another
intervention?

92
00:03:49,707 --> 00:03:53,581
For the millionth time, I do not
havea drinking problem.

93
00:03:53,668 --> 00:03:55,583
No, Evelyn.
It'’s-it'’s a celebration.

94
00:03:55,670 --> 00:03:57,280
Well, in that case,

95
00:03:57,367 --> 00:03:59,108
I'’ll have a double martini
and hold the vermouth.

96
00:03:59,195 --> 00:04:01,197
Hello. I'’m Robin.
I'’m Walden'’s mother.

97
00:04:01,284 --> 00:04:03,025
Oh, how nice
to finally meet you.

98
00:04:03,112 --> 00:04:06,289
You have a wonderful son
and amazing breasts.

99
00:04:06,376 --> 00:04:07,812
Who did them?

100
00:04:07,899 --> 00:04:09,118
God?

101
00:04:09,205 --> 00:04:11,207
Well, he'’s still the best.

102
00:04:11,294 --> 00:04:14,210
Although Dr. Schenkman
runs a close second.

103
00:04:14,297 --> 00:04:16,995
They are lovely.

104
00:04:17,082 --> 00:04:20,303
Okay, can everyone stop talking
about my mom'’s boobs? God.

105
00:04:20,390 --> 00:04:23,698
Oh, my God, that'’s why I had
so many friends in high school.

106
00:04:23,785 --> 00:04:27,136
So, what'’s
the big announcement?

107
00:04:27,223 --> 00:04:29,181
Uh... Well...
[chuckles]

108
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:31,183
Alan and I...

109
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,229
We'’re getting married!

110
00:04:33,316 --> 00:04:35,536
Dude! What the hell! We
agreed I was gonna say it.

111
00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:37,233
Sorry, sorry.
I'’m just so excited.

112
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:41,193
Uh, no offense, but
can'’t you do better than Alan?

113
00:04:42,412 --> 00:04:45,328
Back up. You are marrying him?

114
00:04:45,415 --> 00:04:47,330
Yup.

115
00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:49,289
Ow! What was
that for?

116
00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:51,073
For marrying Zippy.

117
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:52,727
Hey! Why are you
hitting me?!

118
00:04:52,814 --> 00:04:55,251
For beingZippy.

119
00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:56,992
This sounds great,
except for one thing.

120
00:04:57,079 --> 00:04:58,298
You guys aren'’t gay.

121
00:04:58,385 --> 00:05:00,082
No, we'’re not gay.

122
00:05:00,169 --> 00:05:01,910
We are getting
married because...

123
00:05:01,997 --> 00:05:04,260
It'’ll make it easier
for him to adopt a child!

124
00:05:04,347 --> 00:05:05,957
Aah, come on!

125
00:05:06,044 --> 00:05:07,350
Uh, thank you, Berta.

126
00:05:07,437 --> 00:05:08,786
ROBIN:
Hold on.

127
00:05:08,873 --> 00:05:10,397
You want a child?

128
00:05:10,484 --> 00:05:12,312
Yes. I'’ve been doing
a lot of thinking

129
00:05:12,399 --> 00:05:14,531
about my life,
and I believe

130
00:05:14,618 --> 00:05:17,055
that having a kid would
add more meaning to it.

131
00:05:17,142 --> 00:05:19,275
Parenthood can be
very rewarding.

132
00:05:19,362 --> 00:05:21,321
Some of the time.

133
00:05:23,148 --> 00:05:25,150
So, this marriage
is just a sham?

134
00:05:25,237 --> 00:05:27,631
I didn'’t march in all
of those gay rights parades

135
00:05:27,718 --> 00:05:30,895
so you guys could make a mockery
of our hard-won civil liberties.

136
00:05:30,982 --> 00:05:32,419
You marched in
those parades

137
00:05:32,506 --> 00:05:34,246
so you could get drunk
and pick up chicks.

138
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:37,815
Hard-wonchicks.

139
00:05:37,902 --> 00:05:40,165
All right, look, we'’re not
making a mockery of anything,

140
00:05:40,252 --> 00:05:42,820
and I get the challenges
that gay couples face,

141
00:05:42,907 --> 00:05:45,823
but I-I also know that there
are a lot of kids out there

142
00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:47,912
that are just looking
for a good home,

143
00:05:47,999 --> 00:05:49,827
and I think we
can provide that.

144
00:05:49,914 --> 00:05:51,829
And I get health insurance.

145
00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:54,092
You guys are lucky
you'’re in California.

146
00:05:54,179 --> 00:05:56,791
In some states, they still don'’t
let gay couples get married

147
00:05:56,878 --> 00:05:58,140
or adopt kids.

148
00:05:58,227 --> 00:05:59,794
You know, when
I was in Utah,

149
00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:03,101
I vomited on a police officer,
and I was arrested.

150
00:06:04,189 --> 00:06:06,583
Simply for being gay.

151
00:06:08,542 --> 00:06:10,544
Wow, this is a lot to take in.

152
00:06:10,631 --> 00:06:13,460
My son is going to get married
and have a child with...

153
00:06:15,070 --> 00:06:18,290
Oh, God, where...
where did I go wrong?

154
00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:22,730
♪ Men.♪

155
00:06:22,817 --> 00:06:26,429
Oh, there he is,
my same-sex shorty.

156
00:06:27,996 --> 00:06:30,259
My friend with no benefits.

157
00:06:31,782 --> 00:06:33,697
My boo.

158
00:06:33,784 --> 00:06:37,005
You know, I do have 99 problems,
and you'’re all of them.

159
00:06:39,224 --> 00:06:40,400
What'’s all this?

160
00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:42,097
Uh, oh, I'’m, uh...

161
00:06:42,184 --> 00:06:43,881
I'’m makinga dream
board for our wedding.

162
00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:45,840
Uh, there'’s also
a Pinterest page,

163
00:06:45,927 --> 00:06:48,538
or you can go to: Alan
and Walden'’s big day dot com.

164
00:06:48,625 --> 00:06:50,975
Yeah, I got the link
you sent me.

165
00:06:51,062 --> 00:06:53,543
Uh, I really loved
the photoshopped picture

166
00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:55,589
of both us peeking
around the same tree.

167
00:06:58,330 --> 00:07:00,463
However, you know,

168
00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:03,205
we'’re not doing, like,
a big, lavish wedding.

169
00:07:03,292 --> 00:07:04,685
Oh, okay, I get it.

170
00:07:04,772 --> 00:07:06,687
You know,
small destination wedding.

171
00:07:06,774 --> 00:07:09,516
Just the two of us, the beach,
wearing leis around our necks,

172
00:07:09,603 --> 00:07:12,127
matching linen shirts,
sand tickling our toes.

173
00:07:13,345 --> 00:07:15,130
Seagulls flying overhead.

174
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:19,395
Ca-kaw! Ca-kaw!

175
00:07:19,482 --> 00:07:22,703
And where do you see this
happening?

176
00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:26,184
Well, obviously,
there'’s Hawaii and Cabo.

177
00:07:26,271 --> 00:07:27,751
Um,

178
00:07:27,838 --> 00:07:29,623
I'’d be happy
with either one of those.

179
00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:32,582
Um, but I hear that Greece is
fabulous this time of year.

180
00:07:32,669 --> 00:07:35,019
And just FYI, Mykonos is very
friendly to same-sex couples.

181
00:07:35,106 --> 00:07:36,499
Opa!

182
00:07:37,631 --> 00:07:40,503
Nopa!

183
00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:42,418
We'’re getting married
in the courthouse.

184
00:07:42,505 --> 00:07:45,247
Please tell me "the courthouse"
is a chic bar in Ibiza.

185
00:07:45,334 --> 00:07:47,205
No, it'’s a rundown courthouse

186
00:07:47,292 --> 00:07:49,164
around the corner
from the Jiffy Lube.

187
00:07:49,251 --> 00:07:50,382
We'’ll pay 50 bucks,

188
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,080
we'’ll do some paperwork,

189
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:53,864
and if you'’re good,
we'’ll go outside

190
00:07:53,951 --> 00:07:56,258
to the food truck,
and I'’ll buy you a gyro.

191
00:07:56,345 --> 00:07:58,739
Opa!

192
00:07:58,826 --> 00:08:00,436
Oh.

193
00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:02,656
Okay. I see.

194
00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:04,571
What'’s wrong?

195
00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:06,747
Nothing.

196
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:08,749
[sighs]
Talk to me.

197
00:08:08,836 --> 00:08:10,446
No, it'’s fine.

198
00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:12,492
You know, I just
wanted to make sure

199
00:08:12,579 --> 00:08:14,276
this whole thing
was special for us,

200
00:08:14,363 --> 00:08:16,583
for you, but, you know,
it'’s no big deal.

201
00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:18,976
I'’m sure we can
still make it special.

202
00:08:19,063 --> 00:08:21,022
Maybe, uh... maybe Jenny
can take some pictures

203
00:08:21,109 --> 00:08:22,980
on her iPhone.

204
00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:25,243
Alan, come on.

205
00:08:25,330 --> 00:08:27,245
Don'’t touch me.

206
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:32,468
Look, this isn'’t about us.

207
00:08:32,555 --> 00:08:34,818
It'’s about bringing
a kid into our lives.

208
00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:37,038
It'’s a simple
business transaction,

209
00:08:37,125 --> 00:08:39,606
like paying an electric bill,
or buying dinner, or...

210
00:08:39,693 --> 00:08:41,651
writing a rent check.

211
00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:44,611
Stop me when I land on something
you'’ve actually done.

212
00:08:44,698 --> 00:08:46,526
I just got excited

213
00:08:46,613 --> 00:08:48,223
because I'’ve never had the
wedding I always dreamed of.

214
00:08:48,310 --> 00:08:52,749
Right, the wedding
that every little boy dreams of.

215
00:08:52,836 --> 00:08:57,493
You know, we still need
to get each other rings.

216
00:08:57,580 --> 00:08:59,582
We can just get something
online.

217
00:08:59,669 --> 00:09:03,238
Or we could go into
Beverly Hills and have brunch,

218
00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:05,283
and go ring shopping together.

219
00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:07,634
Really?

220
00:09:07,721 --> 00:09:09,244
Sure.

221
00:09:09,331 --> 00:09:11,768
Because I do have ideas.

222
00:09:14,771 --> 00:09:16,164
♪ Men.♪

223
00:09:16,251 --> 00:09:17,861
ALAN:
Hey, Berta,

224
00:09:17,948 --> 00:09:19,559
do we have any carrots?

225
00:09:19,646 --> 00:09:22,474
Oh, wait. I'’ve got 14 karats
of white gold

226
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,041
right here.

227
00:09:24,128 --> 00:09:27,349
You'’ll make a beautiful
bride, Zippy.

228
00:09:27,436 --> 00:09:29,525
Hey.Hey, there'’s my future
baby daddy!

229
00:09:31,353 --> 00:09:33,790
If I got to listen to this,
I got to be a lot higher.

230
00:09:36,967 --> 00:09:39,927
Hey, uh, I got some paperwork
for you to sign.

231
00:09:40,014 --> 00:09:42,233
Oh, uh, and I'’ve got some
paperwork for you to sign.

232
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,845
Guess it'’s true. Married couples
dostart to think alike.

233
00:09:44,932 --> 00:09:49,110
Maybe soon, we'’ll start to
look alike, he said hopefully.

234
00:09:49,197 --> 00:09:51,852
It'’s the application form
for our marriage license.

235
00:09:51,939 --> 00:09:54,463
Oh, look at you.
Yeah.

236
00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:56,378
I guess somebody'’s
gonna get that money

237
00:09:56,465 --> 00:09:58,249
for that mani-pedi
he wants after all.

238
00:09:58,336 --> 00:10:00,208
Ah, you spoil me.

239
00:10:00,295 --> 00:10:02,558
No, I'’m just trying to be
a good business partner.

240
00:10:02,645 --> 00:10:05,430
The Johnson to
your Johnson.

241
00:10:05,517 --> 00:10:06,736
Wait, that-that
didn'’t come out right.

242
00:10:06,823 --> 00:10:08,738
So, uh... so what do
you need me to sign?

243
00:10:08,825 --> 00:10:11,219
Uh, just this.

244
00:10:11,306 --> 00:10:13,264
Oh. What'’s that?
[laughs]

245
00:10:13,351 --> 00:10:15,615
Oh, it'’s a simple dissolution
of services agreement.

246
00:10:17,268 --> 00:10:20,489
Oh! Oh, you-you mean,
like a... like a prenup?

247
00:10:20,576 --> 00:10:22,883
Yup. So, it'’s not a big deal.

248
00:10:22,970 --> 00:10:26,408
Just go ahead and sign it,
he said hopefully.

249
00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:28,715
Why do we need a prenup?

250
00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:30,194
And here we go.

251
00:10:30,281 --> 00:10:31,543
Uh...

252
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,458
when couples get married,

253
00:10:33,545 --> 00:10:35,330
finances become complicated,

254
00:10:35,417 --> 00:10:37,245
and this just simplifies it.

255
00:10:37,332 --> 00:10:39,334
Oh, does it?

256
00:10:39,421 --> 00:10:41,075
'’Cause it seems like
it'’s pretty simple right now.

257
00:10:41,162 --> 00:10:42,250
You don'’t trust me.

258
00:10:42,337 --> 00:10:43,817
Okay, that'’s not true at all.

259
00:10:43,904 --> 00:10:45,427
Isn'’t it?

260
00:10:45,514 --> 00:10:47,647
I mean, is this what
you really think of me?

261
00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:50,606
That I'’m some kind
of gold digger?

262
00:10:50,693 --> 00:10:54,175
Okay, yes, I have lived here
four years rent-free.

263
00:10:54,262 --> 00:10:56,568
Look, why do you have
to make this difficult?

264
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,875
You know, why do you make
everythingso difficult?

265
00:10:58,962 --> 00:11:01,443
It'’s like yesterday at brunch,
when you sent back the champagne

266
00:11:01,530 --> 00:11:05,229
because the bubbles didn'’t taste
like "a mouthful of stars."

267
00:11:05,316 --> 00:11:08,145
If it doesn'’t explode in
your mouth, what'’s the point?

268
00:11:08,232 --> 00:11:12,062
You said that to the waiter,
too, and it was troubling then!

269
00:11:12,149 --> 00:11:14,804
Look, I'’m just trying
to protect my assets.

270
00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:17,546
Oh-oh, yeah? Well, then maybe
I should protect my assets.You know,

271
00:11:17,633 --> 00:11:19,896
don'’t worry, I'’m pretty sure
that your VHS copy

272
00:11:19,983 --> 00:11:22,029
of Dirty Dancing
and your complete collection

273
00:11:22,116 --> 00:11:24,684
of Ghostbusterstrading cards
are safe.

274
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:28,339
I am a collector
of '’80s movie memorabilia.

275
00:11:28,426 --> 00:11:31,778
And hobby mocking is not
an attractive color on you.

276
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,824
Hobby mocker.

277
00:11:34,911 --> 00:11:37,958
I also have one other asset
that you cannot have,

278
00:11:38,045 --> 00:11:39,437
my dignity.

279
00:11:39,524 --> 00:11:40,438
Your dignity?!Mm-hmm.

280
00:11:40,525 --> 00:11:42,440
Your dignity...?Yes.

281
00:11:42,527 --> 00:11:44,268
Really? '’Cause I'’m pretty sure
that the security guard

282
00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:46,314
at the shopping mall had
to remove the bench

283
00:11:46,401 --> 00:11:49,273
from outside of Victoria'’s
Secret because of you!

284
00:11:50,448 --> 00:11:52,363
Mall flogger!

285
00:11:52,450 --> 00:11:55,105
I got to tell you,
I'’m having a lot of
second thoughts right now.

286
00:11:55,192 --> 00:11:57,542
Really? Because this is exactly
where I want to be in my life,Mm-hmm.

287
00:11:57,629 --> 00:12:00,502
begging a 47-year-old man
to marry me.

288
00:12:00,589 --> 00:12:03,026
Now sign the prenup!

289
00:12:03,113 --> 00:12:04,985
I agreed to marry you,
but that doesn'’t mean you get

290
00:12:05,072 --> 00:12:06,595
to shove whatever you want
down my throat

291
00:12:06,682 --> 00:12:08,249
and expect me to swallow it!

292
00:12:08,336 --> 00:12:11,252
Do-do you... do you even hear

293
00:12:11,339 --> 00:12:13,602
the words that you are saying?!

294
00:12:13,689 --> 00:12:16,344
How about these words?
The wedding'’s off!

295
00:12:17,824 --> 00:12:18,999
[crying]

296
00:12:21,131 --> 00:12:24,787
I can'’t even get Alan Harper
to marry me.

297
00:12:25,962 --> 00:12:28,573
♪ Men.♪

298
00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:34,623
♪ Men.♪Boy, this better be important.

299
00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:37,104
I just saw you
two days ago.

300
00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:39,628
Walden and I broke up.
The-the wedding is off.

301
00:12:39,715 --> 00:12:41,108
Oh, Alan.

302
00:12:41,195 --> 00:12:42,892
You had a rich husband
on the hook

303
00:12:42,979 --> 00:12:44,372
and you couldn'’t reel him in.

304
00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:47,070
What happened?

305
00:12:47,157 --> 00:12:49,899
Well, he asked me to sign
a prenup and I refused.

306
00:12:49,986 --> 00:12:52,554
Well, of course you refused.

307
00:12:52,641 --> 00:12:56,210
The woman I paid to raise you
did not raise a fool.

308
00:12:56,297 --> 00:12:57,733
Mom, I don'’t want his money.

309
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:03,043
Never say that again.

310
00:13:03,130 --> 00:13:04,392
Is that a new ring?

311
00:13:04,479 --> 00:13:06,220
Feels like Cartier.

312
00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:08,570
Yes, it is.
And you know who gave it to me?

313
00:13:08,657 --> 00:13:10,441
My rich husband.

314
00:13:10,528 --> 00:13:13,618
When Marty and I married, the
only thing I was willing to sign

315
00:13:13,705 --> 00:13:16,796
was his "do not resuscitate"
order.

316
00:13:16,883 --> 00:13:19,799
Walden says this wedding is just
a-a business transaction.

317
00:13:19,886 --> 00:13:21,757
H-How many business
transactions end

318
00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:24,804
with the release of
grand monarch butterflies?

319
00:13:24,891 --> 00:13:26,980
Darling, it is
just business.

320
00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:29,983
He'’s using you
to get what he wants,

321
00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:32,812
and you should be using him
to get what you want:

322
00:13:32,899 --> 00:13:34,857
financial security.

323
00:13:34,944 --> 00:13:36,598
I'’m not doing it for
financial security.

324
00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:38,295
Walden genuinely
wants a child,

325
00:13:38,382 --> 00:13:41,211
the same way that I wanted
Jake and-and you wanted...

326
00:13:41,298 --> 00:13:43,257
Charlie.

327
00:13:43,344 --> 00:13:45,128
I just thought that
after four years together

328
00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:46,695
that he would trust me
when it comes to money.

329
00:13:46,782 --> 00:13:50,568
Oh, darling, after 47 years,
I don'’t trust you.

330
00:13:50,655 --> 00:13:53,484
Maybe, uh, a-a
prenup is justified.

331
00:13:53,571 --> 00:13:55,138
Maybe I am just a sponge.

332
00:13:55,225 --> 00:13:57,314
A-a-a parasite.

333
00:13:57,401 --> 00:14:01,101
And-and he tolerates me
because he'’s my best friend.

334
00:14:02,406 --> 00:14:03,973
And I'’ve let him down,

335
00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:06,454
and all I want to
do is make him happy.

336
00:14:06,541 --> 00:14:08,456
"Best friend."

337
00:14:08,543 --> 00:14:10,197
"Happy."

338
00:14:10,284 --> 00:14:12,852
I just have no idea where
you got these warped views

339
00:14:12,939 --> 00:14:14,418
on marriage.

340
00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:15,985
He wouldn'’t sign a prenup?

341
00:14:16,072 --> 00:14:19,293
No, he got all upset
and he threw a hissy fit.

342
00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:21,773
"You don'’t trust me.
The wedding'’s off.

343
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:25,342
I'’m going to
Ibiza by myself."

344
00:14:25,429 --> 00:14:27,518
Let'’s face it, the man
is simply not your equal.

345
00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:29,781
If the two of you were
on a plane that crashed

346
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:33,568
in the mountains, Alan would be
the first person eaten.

347
00:14:33,655 --> 00:14:35,178
On the other hand,

348
00:14:35,265 --> 00:14:36,919
you'’re handsome,
successful, smart.

349
00:14:37,006 --> 00:14:39,400
You would be eaten last.

350
00:14:39,487 --> 00:14:43,012
You'’re just saying I'’d be eaten
last '’cause you'’re my mom.

351
00:14:43,099 --> 00:14:45,928
Well, listen, I know you'’re
serious about this child thing,

352
00:14:46,015 --> 00:14:49,889
so I mentioned your situation
to a very cute intern at work.

353
00:14:49,976 --> 00:14:52,761
You didn'’t.Oh, Jessica'’s very amenable
to striking a business deal.

354
00:14:52,848 --> 00:14:54,110
[sighs]
Plus,

355
00:14:54,197 --> 00:14:56,112
she'’s already visited
Dr. Schenkman,

356
00:14:56,199 --> 00:14:57,984
if you know what I mean.

357
00:14:58,071 --> 00:15:00,725
Mom, that'’s exactly
what I don'’t want.

358
00:15:00,812 --> 00:15:02,379
I don'’t even
know this Jess...

359
00:15:02,466 --> 00:15:05,121
Holy Schenkman.

360
00:15:05,208 --> 00:15:06,993
Look, I-I w...

361
00:15:11,214 --> 00:15:14,652
No, she'’d be eaten first.

362
00:15:14,739 --> 00:15:17,742
Look, no, I want
someone that I can trust.

363
00:15:17,829 --> 00:15:20,093
That'’s why I picked Alan
in the first place.

364
00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:22,095
How can you possibly trust him?

365
00:15:22,182 --> 00:15:24,227
He siphons gas out of your car.

366
00:15:24,314 --> 00:15:25,663
Technically, I never caught him.

367
00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:27,100
I just assumed that he did it

368
00:15:27,187 --> 00:15:28,753
'’cause the garden hose smelled
like gas

369
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:30,407
and one time he burped
near a candle

370
00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:32,627
and it lit the couch on fire.

371
00:15:32,714 --> 00:15:35,630
I don'’t know why you ever
let Alan live with you
in the first place.

372
00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:37,545
Uh, for starters,
he saved my life.

373
00:15:37,632 --> 00:15:40,243
And... he'’s been
there for me,

374
00:15:40,330 --> 00:15:44,769
every time that I needed him
and even times when I didn'’t.

375
00:15:44,856 --> 00:15:47,207
The bottom line is...

376
00:15:47,294 --> 00:15:49,252
he'’s my best friend.

377
00:15:49,339 --> 00:15:50,558
Jessica could be
your best friend.

378
00:15:50,645 --> 00:15:52,473
I'’m not going out with Jessica.

379
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:54,127
Fine. I get it.

380
00:15:54,214 --> 00:15:56,303
I do have another intern
that you might like better.

381
00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:58,261
His name is Derek.
He does Pilates...

382
00:15:58,348 --> 00:16:00,089
Mom, I'’m not gay!

383
00:16:00,176 --> 00:16:02,265
I-I just want to marry a man.

384
00:16:02,352 --> 00:16:05,703
Why is that so difficult
to understand?

385
00:16:05,790 --> 00:16:07,705
♪ Men.♪

386
00:16:08,793 --> 00:16:10,882
Hey.

387
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,059
Hey.

388
00:16:13,146 --> 00:16:15,670
Listen...
About earlier...

389
00:16:15,757 --> 00:16:18,673
Uh, that-that'’s,
that'’s my fault.

390
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,676
I-I totally get why I need
to sign a prenup.

391
00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:24,331
I mean, there'’s guys standing
at freeway onramps

392
00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:26,376
that make more money than I do.

393
00:16:26,463 --> 00:16:29,249
You know what,
you don'’t need to sign it.

394
00:16:29,336 --> 00:16:31,294
Despite my mother'’s objections

395
00:16:31,381 --> 00:16:33,122
and despite everything
I'’ve learned from...

396
00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:35,298
two seasons of Basketball Wives,

397
00:16:35,385 --> 00:16:37,300
I trust you completely.

398
00:16:37,387 --> 00:16:38,954
That'’s nice, but, uh,

399
00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:41,652
I already signed it
and sent it to your attorney.

400
00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:42,697
Really?

401
00:16:42,784 --> 00:16:44,960
Thank you. I-I owe you.

402
00:16:45,047 --> 00:16:46,570
You owe me nothing.

403
00:16:46,657 --> 00:16:48,572
I mean, other than two dollars
for the envelope

404
00:16:48,659 --> 00:16:50,922
and $1.75 for postage.

405
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,533
Nothing for gas?

406
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:54,491
No, I just filled up.

407
00:16:59,757 --> 00:17:02,238
Will you still be my husband?

408
00:17:02,325 --> 00:17:04,545
You know I can'’t quit you.

409
00:17:04,632 --> 00:17:05,850
Listen, I-I know
this isn'’t the wedding

410
00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:07,765
that you'’ve always dreamed of,

411
00:17:07,852 --> 00:17:10,072
but I-I got a little surprise
for you for the ceremony.

412
00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:13,380
Tell me Vera Wang
started making tuxes.

413
00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:14,816
Even better.

414
00:17:14,903 --> 00:17:18,863
♪ When a man loves another man

415
00:17:20,648 --> 00:17:22,563
♪ Can'’t keep his mind
on nothing else... ♪

416
00:17:22,650 --> 00:17:26,306
Oh... my... God.

417
00:17:26,393 --> 00:17:28,221
It'’s like you live
inside my dreams.

418
00:17:28,308 --> 00:17:31,093
Happy wife, happy life.

419
00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:33,052
Uh, fellas, can
we get this going?

420
00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:35,228
There'’s a lot of gay couples
here who'’d like to get married

421
00:17:35,315 --> 00:17:37,534
before the Supreme Court
changes its mind.

422
00:17:37,621 --> 00:17:39,884
Plus, this place
is crawling with cops,

423
00:17:39,971 --> 00:17:42,365
and I'’ve got six months
to a year hidden in my purse.

424
00:17:42,452 --> 00:17:45,499
♪ When a man loves
another man ♪

425
00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:46,978
Kill it, Bolton.

426
00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:51,896
Hello, Michael.

427
00:17:51,983 --> 00:17:54,073
You know, I have a vibrator
named after you.

428
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,596
Well, that'’s very flattering.

429
00:17:55,683 --> 00:17:57,119
Would you like me to sign it?

430
00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:59,034
I have a special pen.

431
00:18:00,470 --> 00:18:01,732
What a coincidence.

432
00:18:01,819 --> 00:18:03,430
I have a bit of
a nasty habit

433
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:05,910
of putting the tips
of pens into my mouth.

434
00:18:08,957 --> 00:18:10,524
We'’re here
to join Walden Schmidt

435
00:18:10,611 --> 00:18:13,222
and Alan Harper
in legal marriage.

436
00:18:13,309 --> 00:18:14,919
Have you two written
your own vows?

437
00:18:15,006 --> 00:18:16,617
No, the, uh, standard...
the standard

438
00:18:16,704 --> 00:18:18,836
"for richer, for poorer"
actually fits us quite well.

439
00:18:18,923 --> 00:18:20,229
Actually,

440
00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:22,492
I'’ve written
a little something down.

441
00:18:22,579 --> 00:18:24,190
What? You didn'’t.

442
00:18:24,277 --> 00:18:25,495
I wanted to surprise you.

443
00:18:25,582 --> 00:18:27,497
[chuckles]
Vows and Bolton?

444
00:18:27,584 --> 00:18:28,716
♪ When a man...

445
00:18:28,803 --> 00:18:30,152
Not the cue, Bolton.

446
00:18:33,503 --> 00:18:34,939
Today,

447
00:18:35,026 --> 00:18:36,724
I'’m marrying
my best friend.

448
00:18:36,811 --> 00:18:38,421
Do not cry.

449
00:18:38,508 --> 00:18:41,337
Keep it together, Alan.
[clears throat]

450
00:18:41,424 --> 00:18:44,340
In the last four years,
I'’ve been through a lot.

451
00:18:44,427 --> 00:18:48,518
Uh, there'’s been good times
and bad times.

452
00:18:48,605 --> 00:18:52,043
But through it all,
you were there.

453
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:55,743
And I can'’t imagine
a future without you.

454
00:18:57,701 --> 00:19:00,748
I guess what I'’m trying
to say is...

455
00:19:00,835 --> 00:19:02,445
I love you.

456
00:19:02,532 --> 00:19:04,055
[voice breaking]:
I love you, too.

457
00:19:07,450 --> 00:19:12,281
This is the gayest wedding
I'’ve ever been to.

458
00:19:12,368 --> 00:19:14,240
I think it'’s beaut...
Wh-Whose hand is on my ass?

459
00:19:14,327 --> 00:19:16,416
Sorry.
Sorry.

460
00:19:16,503 --> 00:19:18,418
Walden,

461
00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:21,247
do you take Alan to be
your lawfully wedded husband?

462
00:19:22,422 --> 00:19:24,554
I do.

463
00:19:24,641 --> 00:19:27,078
And, Alan, do you take Walden
to be your...

464
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,558
Try and stop me.

465
00:19:28,645 --> 00:19:30,908
I now
pronounce you married.

466
00:19:32,910 --> 00:19:33,781
You may kiss.

467
00:19:33,868 --> 00:19:35,130
Oh. Oh, yeah.

468
00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:37,611
Um, kiss. Right.
[chuckles]

469
00:19:37,698 --> 00:19:38,786
Let'’s...

470
00:19:38,873 --> 00:19:40,135
Aw, what the hell.

471
00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:41,658
[chuckles]

472
00:19:44,748 --> 00:19:49,144
♪ When a man loves
another man... ♪

473
00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:54,976
♪ Men.♪Morning.

474
00:19:55,063 --> 00:19:58,588
Hey. There'’s the old
balls and chain.

475
00:19:59,894 --> 00:20:01,722
How was your
wedding night?

476
00:20:01,809 --> 00:20:03,245
Much like my first one.

477
00:20:03,332 --> 00:20:06,292
I spent it
masturbating alone.

478
00:20:06,379 --> 00:20:07,989
You'’re the only guy I know

479
00:20:08,076 --> 00:20:11,645
that would register
for lotion and tissues.

480
00:20:11,732 --> 00:20:14,213
That was some party
last night, huh?

481
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:17,172
Yeah, it must have been.
I woke up out here.

482
00:20:17,259 --> 00:20:19,392
And I'’m pretty sure I'’m
wearing Jenny'’s underwear.

483
00:20:19,479 --> 00:20:21,089
Yeah.

484
00:20:21,176 --> 00:20:24,788
The whole evening'’s
a little fuzzy for me, too.

485
00:20:26,703 --> 00:20:28,662
The last thing I remember
is you doing body shots

486
00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:31,491
off of Michael Bolton.

487
00:20:31,578 --> 00:20:34,624
All of us did body shots
off of Michael Bolton.

488
00:20:40,891 --> 00:20:42,502
Even our moms got along.

489
00:20:42,589 --> 00:20:44,199
I wasn'’t sure they'’d
click at first, but...

490
00:20:44,286 --> 00:20:46,157
in the end, they
came together.

491
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,508
♪ When a man

492
00:20:48,595 --> 00:20:51,424
♪ Loves two women...

493
00:20:51,511 --> 00:20:54,035
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org