1 00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:05,273 (car door closes, footsteps) 2 00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:07,541 CHARLIE: Thank you for transporting me home. 3 00:00:07,608 --> 00:00:09,543 You're a terrific cab driver 4 00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:12,280 and I hope someday to visit your country. 5 00:00:16,317 --> 00:00:18,319 Damn, where is that key? 6 00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:21,355 Here, key-key-key-key- key-key-key-key. 7 00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:23,091 key-key-key-key. 8 00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:25,393 Aha! 9 00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:27,195 Hello, key. 10 00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:33,134 (key rattling in lock) 11 00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:35,636 Oh, no... 12 00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:37,205 wrong house. 13 00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:40,708 I'm lost! 14 00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:44,078 Hello? 15 00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:48,182 Hi, Alan. Come on in. 16 00:00:48,249 --> 00:00:51,119 Um, why don't you come in here? 17 00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:53,587 I can't. I lost my key. 18 00:00:55,323 --> 00:00:57,125 Dah! 19 00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:04,598 Had a few cocktails, did we? 20 00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:06,267 Me, too. 21 00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:08,502 Listen, I need to ask you a favor. 22 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,171 Your needs, your needs. 23 00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:12,440 What about my needs? 24 00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:15,176 Are you capable of having a conversation? 25 00:01:15,243 --> 00:01:17,211 Capable? 26 00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:20,214 I just spent 20 minutes discussing open-toed shoes 27 00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:22,350 with a fat man from Rangoon. 28 00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:27,188 He's a Rangooni. 29 00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:29,056 We'll talk in the morning. 30 00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:31,058 I wouldn't count on it. 31 00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:33,261 Go ahead. You talk, I'll cook. 32 00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:34,695 It's 11:30. What are you cooking? 33 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:36,264 Good question. 34 00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:38,332 And I can give you the answer in two words: 35 00:01:38,399 --> 00:01:41,435 my famous homemade chili. 36 00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:43,604 Since when do you make chili? 37 00:01:43,671 --> 00:01:48,776 There's a lot you don't know about me, Alan. 38 00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:51,312 I am man of many layers. 39 00:01:51,379 --> 00:01:54,148 Strata, if you will. 40 00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:55,149 I see. 41 00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:57,218 A thin crust, magma 42 00:01:57,285 --> 00:01:59,620 and a chewy nougat center. 43 00:01:59,687 --> 00:02:03,157 Okay, uh, anyway, tomorrow I have to go to the DMV 44 00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:04,392 to get my license renewed. 45 00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:06,227 Ah, cars. 46 00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:08,696 Where would we be without cars? 47 00:02:08,762 --> 00:02:10,231 And how do we get there? 48 00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:15,436 Run, run, you're free! 49 00:02:15,503 --> 00:02:19,139 Well, listen, the thing is I can't take Jake 50 00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:20,708 because he's got a book report to do. 51 00:02:20,774 --> 00:02:24,278 I love Jake. 52 00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:27,215 Well, that's good, but will you help him with his report? 53 00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:29,283 I would like nothing better. 54 00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:30,551 You want chili? 55 00:02:30,618 --> 00:02:32,220 Uh, no, no, I'm good. 56 00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:34,222 But just so we're clear, you'll help Jake? 57 00:02:34,288 --> 00:02:36,524 I love Jake. 58 00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:39,260 Charlie, it's very important that... 59 00:02:39,327 --> 00:02:42,763 Relax, I'll take Jake to the DMV to get his license. 60 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,166 Book report. 61 00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:50,137 Beans. 62 00:02:50,204 --> 00:02:52,506 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 63 00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:56,176 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 64 00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:04,718 Oh, no! 65 00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:07,555 Charlie's Blackout Chili. 66 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,325 It's delicious. 67 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:12,893 No argument there. 68 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,562 Why is it called "Blackout Chili"? 69 00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,196 Well, sweetheart, 70 00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:18,399 sometimes when people drink, 71 00:03:18,466 --> 00:03:20,568 the do things they wouldn't normally do. 72 00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:23,837 Me, I like to walk into a biker bar and take a swing 73 00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,573 at the biggest chick there. 74 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:30,578 Your Uncle Charlie, on the other hand, makes chili. 75 00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,646 But what's the blackout part? 76 00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,449 Ah, geez, Jake, how many times 77 00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:36,917 have I told you not to crap up my kitchen? 78 00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:39,420 I'm not the one who... 79 00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:42,356 Oh. 80 00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:43,857 Still, it beats waking up 81 00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:46,394 to find pool chalk between your fanny cheeks. 82 00:03:49,397 --> 00:03:50,764 Where's your father? 83 00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:52,433 He went to the DMV. 84 00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:54,735 He said you promised to help me with my book report. 85 00:03:54,802 --> 00:03:56,837 Really? That doesn't sound like me. 86 00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:59,740 I didn't think so either, but that's what he said. 87 00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:01,742 When's it due? Monday. 88 00:04:01,809 --> 00:04:03,411 Okay. Today's Saturday? 89 00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:04,545 Yeah. 90 00:04:04,612 --> 00:04:06,647 We got plenty of time. 91 00:04:06,714 --> 00:04:09,283 Yeah, but my dad always says if I do my work early, 92 00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:11,319 then I have the rest of the weekend to have fun. 93 00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:14,322 That makes no sense whatsoever. 94 00:04:14,388 --> 00:04:16,189 That's what I said. 95 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,658 Let me ask you something. 96 00:04:17,725 --> 00:04:19,527 Do you want to do it now? 97 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,662 No. Then trust your instincts. 98 00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:24,398 Here's what you do. 99 00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:27,234 You go out and have a good time, 100 00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:28,636 let the report percolate in your subconscious. 101 00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:30,404 Then, 102 00:04:30,471 --> 00:04:33,574 as the deadline approaches and that flop-sweat panic hits, 103 00:04:33,641 --> 00:04:35,476 those pages will come shooting out of you 104 00:04:35,543 --> 00:04:38,245 like a lunch from a supermodel. 105 00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:40,814 Well, I do like to percolate. 106 00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:42,750 That a boy. 107 00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:45,353 What are you doing today? 108 00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:47,220 Well, I've got to write a new jingle 109 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,522 for a big credit card company 110 00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:51,392 and they're expecting it on Monday, so... 111 00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:52,660 I'm going to the track. 112 00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,562 * Men. 113 00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:57,998 WOMAN (over P.A.): Now serving number 38 at window "D." 114 00:04:58,065 --> 00:05:02,470 I got 42. 115 00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:05,005 I made an appointment. 116 00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:06,640 Good for you. 117 00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:11,445 What's your number? 118 00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:14,448 I'm 97. 119 00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:16,484 Ooh. Ouch. 120 00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:18,251 You're gonna be here forever. 121 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,021 Yeah. 122 00:05:23,791 --> 00:05:25,626 Oh, hey, you know what? 123 00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:28,596 I'm probably not even going to need this Power Bar. 124 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,431 You want it? 125 00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:31,465 Thanks. 126 00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,000 You're very kind. 127 00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:38,005 Next time, plan ahead. 128 00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:39,473 Will do. 129 00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:41,442 Got to know how to work the system. 130 00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:42,443 Again... 131 00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:44,011 thanks. 132 00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:47,681 Okay, I'm leaving. 133 00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:49,016 Bye. 134 00:05:49,082 --> 00:05:49,983 If you need anything, ask Berta. 135 00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:51,819 Okay. 136 00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:54,287 She won't give it to you, but she enjoys being asked. 137 00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:03,931 Turn that off. 138 00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:04,932 You're coming with me. 139 00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:06,366 Really? To the track? 140 00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:08,301 It's got to be better for you than TV. 141 00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:11,872 Are we gonna gamble? 142 00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:13,807 No, suckers gamble. 143 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,676 We're gonna analyze statistics 144 00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:17,044 with proven scientific principles 145 00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:19,413 and make wagers based on the result of data. 146 00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:24,485 I think I'd rather watch TV. 147 00:06:24,552 --> 00:06:26,587 Come on. Come on. Come on. 148 00:06:26,654 --> 00:06:30,524 WOMAN (over P.A.): Now serving number 39 at window "A." 149 00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:33,861 It appears my time on your planet is almost over. 150 00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:34,895 (laughs) 151 00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:36,797 (mocks laugh) 152 00:06:36,864 --> 00:06:38,799 Excuse me. Are you done with your paper? 153 00:06:38,866 --> 00:06:40,734 Oh, sure. Here. 154 00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:42,703 Thank you. 155 00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:45,739 I didn't even have a chance to finish the jumble. 156 00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:47,875 Well, I'll have time. Ooh. 157 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:50,544 Hey, 97, that ought to lift your spirits. 158 00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,379 I'm ebullient. 159 00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:55,683 I feel like such an idiot. 160 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,618 I didn't even know you could make an appointment. 161 00:06:57,685 --> 00:07:00,420 Well, most people don't. 162 00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:01,822 Am I right? 163 00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:05,459 Lena. 164 00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:08,028 Oh, uh, I'm-I'm Alan. 165 00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:10,531 Ooh, you have a firm handshake, Alan. 166 00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:12,466 I like that in a man. 167 00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:16,003 Well, I'm a, I'm a chiropractor and my hands are my instruments. 168 00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:18,539 And I also carry a little squishy ball in my pocket 169 00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:20,708 to head off carpal tunnel. 170 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,676 Ooh. 171 00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:27,114 How much can I bet? 172 00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:28,381 How much did you bring? 173 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,551 I have to use my own money? 174 00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:33,554 Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you? 175 00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:36,557 Okay. 176 00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:38,125 I have $14. 177 00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:39,927 That's not gonna get you very far. 178 00:07:39,993 --> 00:07:44,565 Um, oh, and I have a $50 gift certificate to Pizza Hut. 179 00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:45,766 Want to buy it? 180 00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:48,035 Sure. I'll give you 25 bucks. 181 00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:49,570 But it's worth $50. 182 00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:50,170 To who? 183 00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:51,705 To Pizza Hut. 184 00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:53,774 Well, so let the good folks at Pizza Hut 185 00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,042 place a bet for you. 186 00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:57,044 You're just trying to rip me off. 187 00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:58,646 Yeah. I've been staying up nights 188 00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:02,650 trying to figure out how 189 00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:04,852 Now, listen and learn. 190 00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:05,953 In any financial transaction 191 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:07,420 there is one question 192 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:08,756 both parties have to ask themselves. 193 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,024 We're going to a party? 194 00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,693 Will you shut up and listen? 195 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,595 I thought we were going to the track? 196 00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:16,096 I swear to God, 197 00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:18,532 I'm going to throw you out of this car. 198 00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:20,768 Now, as I was saying, 199 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:25,472 the question is what leverage do I have in this transaction? 200 00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:26,674 The answer for you is "none." 201 00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:29,877 What's leverage? 202 00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:32,112 Oh, boy. 203 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:35,949 All right, a lever is how you move things. 204 00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,918 Leverage is how you move people. 205 00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:39,787 Now, if we were going to Pizza Hut 206 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:42,590 and they didn't take real money and I was starving to death, 207 00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:45,759 your gift certificate would give you leverage over me. 208 00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:48,929 But alas, this is not the case. 209 00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:52,232 Okay, I guess I'll take $40. 210 00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:55,068 Now you're catching on. But no. 211 00:08:57,671 --> 00:08:59,607 WOMAN (over P.A.): Number at 40 at window "E." 212 00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:01,541 I'm sorry, baby, Mama's got to stay here 213 00:09:01,609 --> 00:09:03,043 till she gets her license. 214 00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:04,912 I'm hungry, too. 215 00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:06,580 I don't know how much longer. 216 00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:08,649 You want to come in here and wait with me? 217 00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:10,584 All right, you stay in the car 218 00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:11,484 and play your video game. 219 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,621 Mommy loves you, too. 220 00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:17,825 I get such little time with him. 221 00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,259 Where's his dad? 222 00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:21,729 Damned if I know. 223 00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:24,832 WOMAN (over P.A.): Now serving number 41 at window "B." 224 00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:28,736 Oh, he is gonna miss his piano lesson. 225 00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:35,075 Listen, um, why don't you take my number? 226 00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:36,543 Oh, I couldn't. 227 00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:38,278 No, no, no, I insist-- I've got somebody 228 00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:40,614 taking care of my little boy, so I can wait. 229 00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,950 That is so sweet. 230 00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:46,086 WOMAN (over P.A.): Now serving number 42 at window "B." 231 00:09:46,153 --> 00:09:47,520 Oh, you're up. 232 00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:48,288 Thank you so much. 233 00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:49,256 Oh, it's my pleasure. 234 00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:50,791 Hey, listen, maybe, 235 00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,760 do you think sometime we could maybe go out...? 236 00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:53,761 Hey, Mama. 237 00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,564 Baby, I thought you were waiting in the car. 238 00:09:57,631 --> 00:09:59,633 Batteries are dead. 239 00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:00,734 That's okay. We're out of here. 240 00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:02,736 You lied to me. 241 00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:04,004 No, I didn't. 242 00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:05,739 Baby, you got a piano lesson today? 243 00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:07,307 Yep. Gershwin. 244 00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:10,043 See? 245 00:10:15,082 --> 00:10:17,751 Hey, I thought you had her at "squishy ball." 246 00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:22,022 * Men. 247 00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:27,728 So how much do I get if my horse wins? 248 00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:30,764 If you bet $14 at two to one, you win $28. 249 00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:32,565 That doesn't sound like a lot. 250 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,601 Why can't I bet the 80-to-one horse? 251 00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:37,637 You can, but there's dogs with forks and napkins 252 00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,339 waiting at the finish line for him. 253 00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:40,674 What does that mean? 254 00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:42,242 It means the greater the odds, 255 00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:43,877 the lousier the horse. 256 00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:45,779 But he could still win, right? 257 00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:49,316 Yeah, and you could still be class valedictorian. 258 00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:51,919 But that's not where the smart money goes. 259 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,688 You can make your point without being mean. 260 00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,289 If you want me to bet 261 00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:58,325 the 80-to-one horse for you, I will. 262 00:10:58,391 --> 00:10:59,326 Okay, fine. 263 00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:01,128 It'll be a good lesson for you. 264 00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:03,096 You won't be such a know-it-all when... 265 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:06,299 four times eight's 32, one times is zero is zero-- 266 00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:08,301 $120,000. 267 00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:10,270 All right, two lessons. 268 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:17,945 It's not as much as I thought, but I'm still rich. 269 00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,280 You're not rich... 270 00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,382 you lucky little peckerhead. 271 00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:25,252 There's no reason for name-calling. 272 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,622 Mr. Smart Money. 273 00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,624 You want to walk home? 274 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,393 I don't have to walk home. 275 00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:36,196 I could take a taxi or a limo. 276 00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:37,264 Or a hearse. 277 00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:41,068 * Men 278 00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:50,077 Mm. You were so smart to bring this. 279 00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:54,882 WOMAN: Now serving number 97 at window A. 280 00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:57,717 Hey, that's me. 281 00:11:59,186 --> 00:12:00,353 You hang in there. 282 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:01,654 Thanks for everything. 283 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,090 You're welcome. 284 00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:05,125 I was being facetious. 285 00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:16,336 Ooh, 99. 286 00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:17,771 Lucky you. 287 00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:21,441 I'm 138. 288 00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:24,144 Been here all day. 289 00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:27,280 With my kid waiting in the car. 290 00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:29,249 Nice try. 291 00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:33,120 * Men 292 00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:35,222 Hey, Dad, guess what?! 293 00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:37,290 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, he doesn't need to know. 294 00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,458 Why not? 295 00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:39,827 Think about it. 296 00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:41,194 What's your father going to do 297 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,930 when he finds out you've got $1,120? 298 00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:45,833 Don't worry, I'm not going to lend him any. 299 00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:47,835 No, you clod. 300 00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,302 He's going to make you put it in the bank. 301 00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:51,171 Oh, yeah. 302 00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:53,907 Plus he's going to give me grief for taking you to the track. 303 00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:56,810 Oh, so I guess that means I've got leverage on you. 304 00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:00,447 Hey, I can live with the grief. 305 00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:01,982 Can you live without the money? 306 00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:04,084 No, I love the money. 307 00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:05,953 Okay, so here's what you do. 308 00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:08,321 Hide it in your room someplace no one will look. 309 00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:10,423 Oh, I saw this movie once where they put the money 310 00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,993 in a plastic bag and hung it in the toilet. 311 00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:16,363 Bad idea. Your toilet sees way too much action. 312 00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:19,766 Okay, I'll buy a big safe. 313 00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:22,369 Oh, brilliant-- that won't raise any questions. 314 00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:24,137 Just stick it in a shoe. 315 00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:27,140 But what if I want to wear it? 316 00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:30,277 Then put it in a different shoe. 317 00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:34,247 But not the same pair, right? 318 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:37,117 Correct. 319 00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:40,187 Now, you have to be careful spending it. 320 00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:41,955 You don't want to call attention to yourself. 321 00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:43,991 Okay, I'll just get a plasma TV. 322 00:13:44,057 --> 00:13:45,792 No, no, no, no, 323 00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:49,229 no plasma TVs, not computers, no expensive video games. 324 00:13:49,296 --> 00:13:51,231 Buy small stuff that no one will notice. 325 00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:52,465 Like donuts? 326 00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:53,466 Perfect. 327 00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:55,468 What about a donut machine? 328 00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:58,071 Okay, you're not hearing me. 329 00:13:58,138 --> 00:13:59,506 I could hide it in the safe. 330 00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:02,976 Get out of here. 331 00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:06,880 Hey, where have you been? 332 00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:08,815 I told you-- the DMV. 333 00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:10,517 All day? You should have made an appointment. 334 00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:15,288 Yeah, next time I'll know. 335 00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,857 So what did you guys do today? 336 00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:19,792 Oh, not much. 337 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,828 We just hung out, ran a few errands. 338 00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:23,130 Oh, did you help him with his book report? 339 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,331 Yes, I did. 340 00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:27,968 Really? No. 341 00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:28,835 Charlie, you said you'd help him. 342 00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:30,237 Yeah, well, you said 343 00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:31,571 you'd only be living here for a couple weeks. 344 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,442 And you weren't drunk when you said it. 345 00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:37,010 Fair enough. 346 00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:38,511 So you guys just ran errands all day? 347 00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:40,447 Yes, errands. 348 00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:43,250 Where is he, in his room? Yes, his room. 349 00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,518 Thanks for keeping an eye on him. 350 00:14:45,585 --> 00:14:47,154 No problem. 351 00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:52,459 Oh, I have a bad feeling. 352 00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:55,162 Hey, Jake, I'm back. 353 00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,897 I was thinking... 354 00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:06,974 Charlie made me go to the track. 355 00:15:10,477 --> 00:15:12,279 (sighs) 356 00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:13,580 What a day. 357 00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:15,882 Just sitting and sitting and sitting. 358 00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:18,118 Huh. 359 00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:23,190 It was like jury duty, 360 00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:26,059 without the fun of sending someone to jail. 361 00:15:26,126 --> 00:15:28,128 Sounds awful. 362 00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:29,362 Yeah, yeah. 363 00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:32,232 So... 364 00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:35,202 you guys ran errands today. 365 00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:39,406 The little rat bastard sold me out, didn't he? 366 00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:42,976 Almost immediately. 367 00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:46,246 Why would you take a 13-year-old boy to the track? 368 00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:48,081 Hey, I thought it would be better 369 00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:50,350 than him hanging around the house all day doing nothing. 370 00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,119 He was supposed to be doing his book report. 371 00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:54,521 Oh, yeah. 372 00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,289 And come to think of it, 373 00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:57,557 weren't you supposed to be working on 374 00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:59,192 some big credit card jingle? 375 00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:01,128 I'm percolating. 376 00:16:01,194 --> 00:16:03,596 Boy, you are some role model. 377 00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:05,532 Well, one of us has to be. 378 00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:09,636 So, uh, exactly how much did he win? 379 00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:11,204 $1,100. 380 00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:13,340 Wow. 381 00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:15,608 Forget it. He's not going to loan you any. 382 00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:18,311 All right, all right, we'll put it in the bank. 383 00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:20,280 It'll be a nice addition to his college fund. 384 00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:21,981 What college fund? 385 00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:24,484 The one with $1,100 in it. 386 00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:26,386 Come on, Alan. 387 00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,588 He won the money fair and stupid. 388 00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:30,157 So you think I ought to let him keep it? 389 00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:31,924 What's the worst that could happen? 390 00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,460 So he blows it. 391 00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:36,529 It's a life lesson and we get a donut machine. 392 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:38,298 What?! 393 00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:40,600 It's just money, Alan. 394 00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,369 I don't want him to think like that. 395 00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:44,704 Oh, much better he think like you? 396 00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:47,107 Squirreling away every dime he makes 397 00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:48,941 so he'll haven it handy for alimony payments 398 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,277 and phone sex? 399 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:54,214 For the last time, I misdialed. 400 00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:59,986 Yeah, every Wednesday night for 20 minutes. 401 00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:02,622 Okay, okay, we are not talking about the phone bills. 402 00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:05,292 We are talking about teaching Jake sound financial principles. 403 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:07,260 And I am entitled to a date night. 404 00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:11,231 Fine. Take the money away from him. 405 00:17:11,298 --> 00:17:12,965 No, no, I'm not going to be the bad guy. 406 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,201 I'm not going to be the bad guy either. 407 00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:15,502 Why not? It's your fault. 408 00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:17,104 Hey, if you want to point the finger, 409 00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:18,605 look for the horse trainer 410 00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:21,174 who put crystal meth in Mr. McGlue's feed bag. 411 00:17:23,110 --> 00:17:26,179 I'll bet that Clydesdale is still running. 412 00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:27,980 Okay, okay, you think you know best? 413 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:29,582 We'll let him keep the money. 414 00:17:29,649 --> 00:17:32,285 But mark my words, no good can come from a boy like Jake 415 00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:34,221 having that kind of cash to throw around. 416 00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:36,689 Oh come on, the kid might surprise you. 417 00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:39,992 Here's a hundred bucks. 418 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,094 What's that for? 419 00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:42,495 I broke a lamp. 420 00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:47,033 * Men 421 00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:50,270 (playing "Call to Post") 422 00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:54,374 * It's the card that's accepted all over the globe * 423 00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:58,311 * Something, something... 424 00:17:58,378 --> 00:18:01,614 * Terrycloth robe. 425 00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:04,317 That's enough for today. 426 00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,120 Have you see Jake? 427 00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:10,590 Oh, little Lord Fartleroy? 428 00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:13,059 Well, he wasn't pleased with grilled cheese for lunch, 429 00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:15,162 so he walked down to the Red Lobster 430 00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:16,496 for their all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp. 431 00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:18,131 Wonderful. 432 00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:21,434 He lined his pockets with foil before he left. 433 00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,136 You think this is funny? 434 00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:24,604 The kid gets to throw some money around. 435 00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,206 What's wrong with that? 436 00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:30,277 Hey, Richie Rich back with my crab legs yet? 437 00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:31,711 No. 438 00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:33,413 You don't understand. 439 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,516 Money gives him choices and freedom. Yeah, so? 440 00:18:36,583 --> 00:18:38,618 I don't have choices and freedom, why should he? 441 00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:39,752 Dad, Uncle Charlie, 442 00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:42,088 come out and see what I just bought. 443 00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:46,559 Oh, I have another bad feeling. 444 00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:53,433 Oh, Jake, where did you get that? 445 00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:56,303 A guy had it in the back of his pickup truck at the gas station 446 00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:57,604 and it had a "for sale" sign. 447 00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,206 Oh, no. 448 00:18:59,272 --> 00:19:01,073 I asked him how much it was and he said, 449 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,074 "How much you got?" 450 00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:03,543 And I told him $1,106, 451 00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:05,312 and he said, "It's your lucky day." 452 00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:08,181 Can you believe that? 453 00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:10,317 That's two lucky days in a row. 454 00:19:13,386 --> 00:19:16,256 Okay, I am sorry. 455 00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:18,124 You did not ride that thing here? 456 00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:19,359 Oh, no, I pushed it. 457 00:19:19,426 --> 00:19:21,194 I figured I can ride it on the beach. 458 00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:22,829 Well, you figured wrong-- it's too dangerous. 459 00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:24,397 Don't worry, I got a helmet. 460 00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:28,701 I traded him for a bag of crab legs. 461 00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:31,771 Can you help me take it down to the beach now? 462 00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,440 No, you are not riding that thing. 463 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,375 Yeah, well, I bought it with my own money, 464 00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:37,244 so you can't tell me what to do. 465 00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:43,650 Really, I am as sorry as I can possibly be. 466 00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:45,151 Let me just show you how cool it is. 467 00:19:45,218 --> 00:19:46,653 Look, the guy told me how to start it. 468 00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:56,796 He said it might need a tune-up. 469 00:19:59,466 --> 00:20:00,900 So where are my crab legs? 470 00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:03,703 * Men 471 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,408 Go ahead-- say it. 472 00:20:08,475 --> 00:20:10,610 I'm stupid and I got ripped off. 473 00:20:10,677 --> 00:20:12,312 No, nobody thinks that. 474 00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:14,581 I wouldn't say nobody. 475 00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:16,283 Charlie. 476 00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:19,218 Oh, come on, it's not the end of the world. 477 00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:22,422 Look, Jake, sooner or later every guy gets hustled. 478 00:20:22,489 --> 00:20:23,256 Even you? 479 00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:24,691 Even me. 480 00:20:24,757 --> 00:20:27,294 I remember once when I wasn't much older than you, 481 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,396 I spend a hundred bucks on a bag of oregano. 482 00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:35,201 Oregano? 483 00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:36,769 Your uncle was making spaghetti sauce. 484 00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,805 Yeah, in a parked car 485 00:20:38,871 --> 00:20:42,208 before I went to the Pink Floyd Lasarium show. 486 00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:43,676 Thank you. 487 00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,578 The important think is that you learned something 488 00:20:45,645 --> 00:20:47,514 that will serve you for the rest of your life. 489 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:49,215 What's that? 490 00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:53,252 Always buy motorbikes and oregano from authorized dealers. 491 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,622 No, no, that is not the lesson. 492 00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:58,190 A fool and his money are soon parted? No. 493 00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,792 Don't run with scissors? 494 00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:00,827 Do you mind? 495 00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:01,894 Go ahead, I'm down to 496 00:21:01,961 --> 00:21:04,297 don't eat the yellow snow. 497 00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:06,198 That's not it, is it? 498 00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:09,235 No, the lesson here 499 00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:11,371 is that when a little extra money comes our way, 500 00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:13,806 we do the smart thing-- we put it in the bank 501 00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:16,208 where it makes reasonable interest at minimal risk. 502 00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:18,244 And then we have it for a rainy day. 503 00:21:18,311 --> 00:21:19,312 Do you understand? 504 00:21:19,379 --> 00:21:20,246 Yeah. 505 00:21:20,313 --> 00:21:21,514 Attaboy. 506 00:21:21,581 --> 00:21:23,383 Trust me, there is no better feeling 507 00:21:23,450 --> 00:21:25,217 than knowing you have a little nest egg 508 00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:27,987 to fall back on. 509 00:21:30,323 --> 00:21:33,225 There are at least eight better feelings. 510 00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:35,227 Charlie! Coming.