1 00:00:02,136 --> 00:00:03,304 (laughs loudly) 2 00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:04,572 Oh, oh, that is so true. 3 00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,040 I know exactly what you mean. 4 00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:07,808 Hang on. I'll get you an ashtray. 5 00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:09,277 Oh, hey, Charlie. 6 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,145 Hey. What's going on? 7 00:00:11,212 --> 00:00:12,846 Oh, I just have a friend over 8 00:00:12,913 --> 00:00:14,548 from my single parent support group. 9 00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:16,617 Oh, yeah. Unattached moms. 10 00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:18,919 I got to check out that group. 11 00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:21,922 But you don't have a kid. 12 00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:24,058 Are they really strict about that? 13 00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:26,460 'Cause, at the dog park, 14 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,362 you just show up with a leash and say, 15 00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:29,430 "That's him by the tree." 16 00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:31,499 It's a single parent group. 17 00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:33,701 You need to be a single parent. 18 00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:36,003 Seems a little prejudiced, if you ask me. 19 00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:38,906 Hey, Alan, can I use your bathroom 20 00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:41,041 or should I just pee off the deck? 21 00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:42,676 It's right down the hall. 22 00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:44,478 Oh, Greg, this is my brother Charlie. 23 00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:45,546 Charlie, Greg. 24 00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:47,548 Hey. Hey. Nice place. 25 00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:48,882 Thanks. 26 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:52,620 She's a little butch for you, isn't she? 27 00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:54,322 Greg's a divorced dad. 28 00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:56,524 He's got a daughter around Jake's age. 29 00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:58,726 Well, you can understand my confusion. 30 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:01,229 You think I joined a support group to pick up women? 31 00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:03,131 No. I think you joined a support group 32 00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:04,632 because you're a whiny little wuss. 33 00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:09,170 But as long as you're there, you might as well nail a few. 34 00:01:09,237 --> 00:01:12,373 Sex is not what the group's about. 35 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:13,774 Oh, grow up. 36 00:01:13,841 --> 00:01:15,209 You put single men and women 37 00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:16,977 in folding chairs in a church basement, 38 00:01:17,044 --> 00:01:19,147 they're going to start mounting each other. 39 00:01:19,213 --> 00:01:24,252 The depths of your degeneracy continue to astound me. 40 00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:26,754 Really? Still? 41 00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:28,556 So, Charlie, I am guessing, 42 00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:30,491 by the stack of racing forms next to the can, 43 00:01:30,558 --> 00:01:32,092 you bet the ponies. 44 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,662 Hey, I'd bet on rabbits if you could get 'em organized. 45 00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:38,199 Is there a story behind that riding crop 46 00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:39,333 hanging on the wall? 47 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,801 Oh, yeah-- that's a souvenir 48 00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:43,003 from a wonderful weekend in Louisville, Kentucky. 49 00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:44,205 Oh, you went to the Derby? 50 00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:46,374 Nah. It was a Hilton by the airport. 51 00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:49,543 How about you? Do you hit the track? 52 00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:53,181 Yeah. It's actually my second biggest expense after alimony. 53 00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:55,849 So all your money goes to the nags, huh? 54 00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:58,519 Hey, your brother's funny. 55 00:01:58,586 --> 00:01:59,853 At first. 56 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:03,857 I'll get us some more beers. 57 00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:05,359 Charlie, you smoke cigars? 58 00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:06,427 I'd smoke rabbits 59 00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:08,061 if you could keep 'em lit. 60 00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:14,902 So, divorced dad, huh? 61 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,370 Yep. 62 00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:18,439 How long were you married? 63 00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:19,740 16 years. 64 00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,175 Whoa. What ended it? 65 00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:23,311 Cheating? Drinking? Gambling? 66 00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:26,280 Gay. 67 00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:30,651 Oh. Her? 68 00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:33,387 No. 69 00:02:36,424 --> 00:02:38,259 Ah. 70 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:43,764 So, what, you didn't want to try drinking or gambling? 71 00:02:45,098 --> 00:02:47,735 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 72 00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:51,239 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 73 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,211 Are you kidding? 74 00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:59,146 My brother is definitely not the marrying kind. 75 00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:01,282 Oh. A confirmed bachelor. 76 00:03:01,349 --> 00:03:03,284 No, no, no. Nothing's confirmed. 77 00:03:03,351 --> 00:03:06,820 I mean, I just think that variety is the spice of life. 78 00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:09,056 And as far as spices go, 79 00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:11,158 some people like salt, some people like pepper, 80 00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:13,160 some people like salt and pepper. 81 00:03:13,227 --> 00:03:14,995 Me, I like women. 82 00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:20,234 Me, too. Some of my best friends are women. 83 00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:22,135 No, no, no. Don't-Don't-Don't misunderstand. 84 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:25,339 None of my friends are women. 85 00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:26,307 Oh, I see. 86 00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:29,176 No, you don't. Oh, damn. 87 00:03:29,243 --> 00:03:30,478 I'm going to have to take a rain check on that beer. 88 00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:31,512 I got to get going. 89 00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:33,647 Oh. Oh, okay. We still on for Sunday? 90 00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:34,882 Looking forward to it. 91 00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:36,284 Really nice meeting you, Charlie. 92 00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:37,785 Maybe I'll see you at the track sometime, 93 00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:39,086 You never know. 94 00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:40,621 Do you like Santa Anita or Hollywood Park? 95 00:03:40,688 --> 00:03:42,590 Which one do you like? Oh, I'll go either way. 96 00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:44,625 Apparently. 97 00:03:44,692 --> 00:03:46,427 Oh, he's bad. 98 00:03:46,494 --> 00:03:48,629 You have no idea. 99 00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:51,632 Okay, so I'll see you Sunday. 100 00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:52,800 Bye-bye. 101 00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:53,834 Adios. 102 00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,669 Great guy, huh? 103 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,004 Yeah. Yeah, terrific. 104 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,672 How much do you know about him? 105 00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:01,141 Well, I know he's a successful architect, 106 00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:03,143 his daughter is a soccer player, 107 00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:05,613 he's gay, he has a boat, he went to 108 00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:08,816 U.C. Berkeley... Okay, okay. Back up a little. 109 00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:10,384 Oh, it's a sailboat. 110 00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:12,453 Well, it's more of a sloop. 111 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:14,355 He's taking me and Jake out on Sunday. 112 00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:16,256 No, no, no, no, no. One more. 113 00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:18,426 What, he's gay? What about it? 114 00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:21,395 Nothing. I'm just looking out for you. 115 00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:25,165 I mean, does he want to take you sailing, 116 00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:28,101 or does he want to take you sailing? 117 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,575 Don't be silly. He knows I'm not gay. 118 00:04:34,642 --> 00:04:37,144 Are you sure? 119 00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:39,246 For 16 years, he didn't know he was gay. 120 00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:40,648 Come on, Charlie. 121 00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:42,115 You don't believe two men can be friends 122 00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:43,417 just because one of them is gay? 123 00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:47,054 It has nothing to do with gay. 124 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,289 Imagine he were a straight guy 125 00:04:49,357 --> 00:04:50,958 and you were an attractive young woman. 126 00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:52,926 Do you think you could just be friends? 127 00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:54,495 How attractive? 128 00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:56,364 What? 129 00:04:56,430 --> 00:05:00,233 I mean, you know, am I kind of cute 130 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,635 in a tomboy sort of way, 131 00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:04,772 or am I smokin' hot and workin' it? 132 00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:11,311 Okay, okay. Let's start again. 133 00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:15,983 Imagine you were a straight guy... 134 00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:18,652 And? 135 00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:20,388 No "and." That's it. 136 00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:24,492 * Men. 137 00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:29,196 Berta, how long have you been working for me? 138 00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:31,899 Define working. 139 00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:34,535 What kind of hair conditioner do I use? 140 00:05:34,602 --> 00:05:37,438 I quit. 141 00:05:40,307 --> 00:05:42,476 I use a wash-out conditioner, 142 00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:44,545 then blow-dry with a dab of styling gel. 143 00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:47,415 But you got me a leave-in conditioner. 144 00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:49,116 Why would you get me a leave-in conditioner? 145 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:51,151 The truth? Please. 146 00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,153 It came with a free Lady Schick. 147 00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:56,289 Berta, my hair is important to me. 148 00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,459 All right. Don't get your panties in a bunch. 149 00:05:58,526 --> 00:06:00,260 What is that supposed to mean? 150 00:06:00,327 --> 00:06:03,597 It means don't get so agitated that your undergarments 151 00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:06,500 become entangled within your crack. 152 00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,471 Hey, hey, hey. I'm not agitated! 153 00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:14,241 I just like having extra body without, you know, stiffness! 154 00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:19,780 * Men. 155 00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:22,983 Okay. Why don't you guys go hang outside 156 00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,185 while we throw together some lunch? 157 00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:26,587 Okay. Come on, Sophie. 158 00:06:26,654 --> 00:06:27,855 This is a cool house. 159 00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:29,122 Yeah. It's my weekend place. 160 00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:31,391 I have a second home in the valley. 161 00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:33,326 I think they like each other. 162 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,762 Oh, Jake is smitten. 163 00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:36,630 I usually only see that look on his face 164 00:06:36,697 --> 00:06:38,065 when we go to the Pancake House. 165 00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:42,536 Hey. Hiya, Charlie. Hey. 166 00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:43,771 How did the sailing go? 167 00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:44,838 Great. Perfect weather. 168 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,474 Here. I brought you a present. 169 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:48,241 Really? 170 00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:51,479 Yeah. It's one of those Cuban fellas you like puffin' on. 171 00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:53,547 That's sweet. Thank you. 172 00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:55,649 You're very welcome. 173 00:06:58,151 --> 00:07:01,188 Did you do something different with your hair? It looks nice. 174 00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,990 Don't get me started. 175 00:07:04,492 --> 00:07:08,128 So, when did you find out about your dad? 176 00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:09,797 Find out what? 177 00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:10,731 That he's gay. 178 00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:11,732 My dad's not gay. 179 00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:13,601 You sure? My dad is. 180 00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,202 No kidding. 181 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,070 Yep. 182 00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:19,372 You smell like strawberries. 183 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,008 It's my lip gloss. 184 00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:23,210 Cool. Does it taste like it smells? 185 00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:24,978 You want to find out? 186 00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,279 Sure. 187 00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:38,425 * Men. 188 00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:41,629 Can we watch a soccer game instead of basketball? 189 00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:44,164 What are you, nuts? 190 00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:46,800 Sophie says soccer's the most popular sport in the world. 191 00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:49,269 Well, then they don't need us to watch it. 192 00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:55,809 You know what would be a good idea? 193 00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:58,278 Maple syrup lip gloss. 194 00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:04,217 Your mom will be here any minute. 195 00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:06,119 I thought I told you to get ready. I'm ready. 196 00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,588 Did you do your homework? No. 197 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:11,224 Oh, Jake, I promised your mother you would have it done. 198 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:13,360 Well, next time, you'll know better. 199 00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:26,874 I think Jake has a thing for your boyfriend's daughter. 200 00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:29,777 He's not my boyfriend. 201 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,144 We're friends. 202 00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,479 Friends, huh? 203 00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:36,049 Alan, when an intelligent, successful, attractive man 204 00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:38,719 wants to be friends with you, 205 00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:42,389 something's amiss. 206 00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:43,791 Excuse me, but if Greg were to be interested 207 00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:46,827 in anybody around here, it would be you. 208 00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:51,164 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 209 00:08:51,231 --> 00:08:53,266 What are you talking about? 210 00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:54,902 Come on, Charlie, you got to admit 211 00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,571 you put out a special kind of vibe. 212 00:08:57,638 --> 00:09:00,608 You don't mean special. 213 00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:03,043 You mean special! 214 00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:06,379 And I don't. 215 00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:09,516 You're 40 years old, you've never been married, 216 00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:11,318 you play the piano, 217 00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:12,920 you are meticulous about your appearance... 218 00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,254 Hey, hey, hey, hey. 219 00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:16,223 I've got a riding crop in my bathroom 220 00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:18,391 that never touched a horse. 221 00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:21,929 Your bathroom also has two kinds of skin moisturizer, 222 00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:26,099 various hair gels, colognes, powders and emollients. 223 00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:28,168 I only have one moisturizer. 224 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,871 The other one is a sun block with moisturizer. 225 00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:32,272 Oh, right, right. 226 00:09:32,339 --> 00:09:34,174 You need that sun block for when you lean out 227 00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:37,144 the front door to get the paper. 228 00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:39,713 There's no shade out there in the morning, Alan. 229 00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:41,081 Uh-huh. 230 00:09:41,148 --> 00:09:43,016 Excuse me for not wanting to spend my 50s 231 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,752 looking like a catcher's mitt. 232 00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:47,054 All right, let's scoot away 233 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,889 from the Clinique counter for a minute... 234 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:56,163 and discuss some of the people you've attracted. 235 00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:57,464 Okay, okay, you're thinking 236 00:09:57,530 --> 00:09:59,299 about that time at the House of Blues, 237 00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:02,069 and there's no way I could have known that was a guy. 238 00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:05,806 He was 6'2", and could palm a medicine ball. 239 00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:11,812 I was drunk, he was tucked, taped and gorgeous. 240 00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:16,950 Charlie, you brought home a dude in a dress. 241 00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:20,053 A dude who wanted to be a woman, 242 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:23,691 which means he was looking for a straight man, which is me! 243 00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:26,026 Rationalize it any way you want, 244 00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:29,830 but he still sends you flowers on Valentine's Day. 245 00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:34,702 Only because I was a gentleman! 246 00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:36,870 * Men. 247 00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:38,405 So, how was your weekend? 248 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:39,773 It was okay. 249 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:40,841 We went sailing. 250 00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:42,342 Oh, how nice. 251 00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:43,610 What else? 252 00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:45,012 Nothing. 253 00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:52,185 Oh, yeah. I think Dad's gay now. 254 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,289 That was a red light, Mom. 255 00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:04,231 What's up? 256 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,767 Why does something have to be up? 257 00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,501 Can't I just drop by and say hello? 258 00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:12,405 At $350 an hour, you can say anything you want. 259 00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:13,807 Okay, well, there is something 260 00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:16,710 that's been kind of gnawing at me. 261 00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:18,611 Mm-hmm? 262 00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,380 Well, this friend of mine... 263 00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:21,949 Your friend? 264 00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:25,685 Yeah, a friend. 265 00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:28,021 It's your money, Charlie. 266 00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:32,092 Okay, okay, is it possible 267 00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:35,562 that, that, I could be gay without knowing it? 268 00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:38,966 Why do you ask? 269 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,401 Well, my, my brother's got this friend... 270 00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:44,838 We're talking seven dollars a minute. 271 00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:47,240 No, no, no, no. This friend's real. 272 00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:51,912 He's gay, and apparently, I triggered his gaydar. 273 00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:54,347 Well, I can understand that. 274 00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:55,482 You can? 275 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:58,118 (deep voice): You can? 276 00:11:58,185 --> 00:12:01,121 Let me ask you something, Charlie. 277 00:12:01,188 --> 00:12:03,290 Have you ever had sex with a man? 278 00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:06,093 No! No, absolutely not! 279 00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:09,329 (sighs) 280 00:12:12,532 --> 00:12:13,834 All right, I copped a feel once, 281 00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:15,936 but I was drunk and he had breasts. 282 00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:22,843 (doorbell chimes) 283 00:12:22,910 --> 00:12:25,412 Hey, is Jake ready? 284 00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:27,480 Jake, your father's here! 285 00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:29,482 He'll be right out. 286 00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:30,918 Good. 287 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,521 So, uh, how have you been? 288 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,588 Good, and you? 289 00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,124 Good. 290 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,229 Oh, come here. I'm so proud of you! 291 00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:44,965 Uh, thanks. What did I do? 292 00:12:45,032 --> 00:12:47,000 Oh, Alan, you don't have to hide anymore. 293 00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:48,668 Jake, told me all about you and Greg, 294 00:12:48,735 --> 00:12:51,404 and I just want you to know I completely support you. 295 00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:52,672 Oh, oh, gee, Judith... 296 00:12:52,739 --> 00:12:55,475 Is that him in the car? Gee, he's cute. 297 00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:57,077 Hello! 298 00:12:57,144 --> 00:12:58,245 Oh, that must be his daughter. 299 00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:00,180 I can see why Jake has a crush on her. 300 00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:01,781 Yeah, yeah, we're taking them to the movies. 301 00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:03,383 Oh, this makes so much sense. 302 00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,518 I can't believe I didn't see this when we were married. 303 00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:06,419 See what? 304 00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:07,955 Oh, come on, Alan. 305 00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:10,490 You picking out my clothes, your neat fetish, 306 00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:12,860 the show tunes, the sex. 307 00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:14,594 There was no sex. 308 00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:16,196 Exactly. 309 00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:18,866 All these years you were so miserable, and look at you now. 310 00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:19,867 You're... glowing. 311 00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:21,334 No, no, wait! Hang on a sec! 312 00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:24,671 The-the reason that there was no... 313 00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:25,605 Really? I'm glowing? 314 00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:27,040 Mm-hmm. 315 00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:28,775 And to think all this time I've been blaming myself 316 00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:30,243 'cause the marriage didn't work out. 317 00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:33,446 No, I'm pretty sure you've been blaming me. 318 00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:34,814 It was nobody's fault, Alan. 319 00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:37,084 I'm just so glad that you finally accepted 320 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,551 who you really are. 321 00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:39,419 Hey, Dad. 322 00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:40,687 Hey, buddy. 323 00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:42,489 Hey, Sophie. 324 00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:44,724 You boys are so cute with your double dates. 325 00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:46,259 Listen, Judith... 326 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:47,127 I almost forgot. 327 00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:48,661 Your mother told me to tell you 328 00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:50,297 that she's behind you 100%. 329 00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,432 When did you talk to my mother? 330 00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:55,368 Well, after Jake told me, I called her. 331 00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:56,536 Why? 332 00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:58,538 We have a little bet. It's not important. 333 00:13:58,605 --> 00:13:59,572 Okay, bye-bye! 334 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,914 I mean, okay, I do care about my appearance. 335 00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:08,381 Plus, I've got mother issues 336 00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:10,517 and a bit of a flair for interior design. 337 00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:14,487 You know, sconces, throw pillows, bric-a-brac. 338 00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,289 Mm... 339 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:19,159 But when it comes to penises, I am pretty clear 340 00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:22,429 that the only one I want winking at me is my own. 341 00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:27,167 Who are you trying to convince here, Charlie, me or you? 342 00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:30,037 You. And than I want you to convince me. 343 00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:32,639 Why do you need convincing? 344 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,508 Wow, good question. 345 00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:39,279 Thanks. Once in a while I get a little wood on the ball. 346 00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:43,050 I mean, it has been suggested to me that all of my womanizing 347 00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:45,652 is just my way of overcompensating. 348 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,220 And who suggested that? 349 00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:52,092 Uh, mostly the women I was overcompensating on top of. 350 00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:56,529 Well, this is a very interesting area, 351 00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:58,831 but I'm afraid we're out of time. 352 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:02,002 What?! No, no, we can't stop here! 353 00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:03,570 I have a patient waiting, Charlie. 354 00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:05,372 Hold on a sec. 355 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:10,477 Here, go get yourself something to eat. 356 00:15:10,543 --> 00:15:11,945 Come back in an hour. 357 00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:19,052 Okay, new clock. 358 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:23,190 My mom took my temperature the baby way 359 00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,058 till I was eight years old. 360 00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:33,466 (dramatic music playing) 361 00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:53,486 Hey, Dad? Yeah? 362 00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:56,289 It's okay if I'm not gay, right? 363 00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,063 * Men. 364 00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:06,133 Jake, listen, you and I 365 00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:07,567 need to clear the air about something. 366 00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:08,801 After I call Sophie. 367 00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:11,171 You just saw her. What do you need to talk about? 368 00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:12,205 It's boy-girl, stuff. 369 00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,441 You wouldn't understand. 370 00:16:17,777 --> 00:16:18,911 Hey, Alan, your mom called. 371 00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,747 She gave me the news. 372 00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:23,083 Oh, God. 373 00:16:23,150 --> 00:16:24,784 Come here. 374 00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:27,420 I'm proud of ya, zippy. 375 00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:30,357 The world is a much happier place 376 00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:33,393 once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion. 377 00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:37,364 Good night. 378 00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:45,805 Charlie? 379 00:16:45,872 --> 00:16:47,274 Yeah? 380 00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:50,610 I think I might be gay. 381 00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:53,480 What did you do, Alan? 382 00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:58,151 Nothing, but... I'm starting to put the pieces together. 383 00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:01,721 Which piece did you put where, Alan? 384 00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:05,658 I'm just thinking that I failed 385 00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:07,827 at every female relationship I've ever had. 386 00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:09,129 Oh, come on. 387 00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:11,098 That makes every man in the world gay. 388 00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,667 Let me finish. 389 00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:19,106 I've been unhappy for most of my life. 390 00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:21,441 I never really fit in anywhere. 391 00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:25,945 And now, suddenly, I'm happy. 392 00:17:26,012 --> 00:17:30,283 Some might even say I'm... glowing. 393 00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:35,722 There is a big leap between glowing and flaming. 394 00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:37,724 I'm just saying, 395 00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:40,327 this friendship with Greg has been, you know, 396 00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,662 so easy and-and fun, 397 00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:47,200 and everybody else just seems happier thinking I'm gay. 398 00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,269 Maybe that's the answer. 399 00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:51,171 What was the question? 400 00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:54,241 Who is Alan Harper? 401 00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:55,808 Well, that's easy. 402 00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:57,710 Alan Harper is an idiot. 403 00:17:57,777 --> 00:18:01,514 Why is my sexuality so threatening to you? 404 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,385 It's not threatening. 405 00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:07,387 I am not threatened. Is that so? 406 00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:11,258 Okay, okay, now you listen to me. 407 00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:13,926 You're not gay, I'm not gay. 408 00:18:13,993 --> 00:18:15,728 Nobody's gay! Nobody's gay? 409 00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:18,231 Not in this house! 410 00:18:18,298 --> 00:18:19,832 Where are you going? 411 00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:22,869 I have to buy some new hair conditioner! 412 00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:27,340 * Men. 413 00:18:27,407 --> 00:18:28,808 So that was a good meeting tonight. 414 00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:30,210 It was okay. 415 00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:33,280 But some of those single moms get real gossipy. 416 00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:34,981 Uh! Like Rebecca Milford? 417 00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:36,816 Oh! Yakkity- yakkity-yakkity. 418 00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:38,918 Did you see what she had on? 419 00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:40,287 Who could miss it? 420 00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:42,589 A woman that size should not wear paisley. 421 00:18:43,423 --> 00:18:45,124 Okay, thanks for the ride. 422 00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:46,626 Oh. Oh, no problem. 423 00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:48,761 So, we still taking the kids to the mall Saturday? 424 00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:50,062 Are you kidding? 425 00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,698 I'm taking Jake to the mall Friday 426 00:18:51,764 --> 00:18:53,800 so he can have cool clothes to wear to the mall Saturday. 427 00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:56,169 So maybe I'll see you there Friday. 428 00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:59,706 Okay. Bye-bye. 429 00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:03,476 Greg, wait. Yeah? 430 00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:06,913 (grunting) 431 00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:10,517 Alan? 432 00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:11,984 Yeah? 433 00:19:12,051 --> 00:19:14,421 What are you doing? 434 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:19,091 Uh, I was just, you know... 435 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,193 checking. 436 00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:22,962 Checking what? 437 00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:24,664 Well, it's not important. 438 00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:27,099 I just thought, uh, that, you know, 439 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:30,970 possibly... I might be... 440 00:19:31,037 --> 00:19:33,306 Never mind. 441 00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:35,074 Alan, you're not gay. 442 00:19:35,141 --> 00:19:36,743 Are you sure? 443 00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:40,079 Do you find me sexually attractive? 444 00:19:40,146 --> 00:19:41,714 No. 445 00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:43,916 Do you find any man sexually attractive? 446 00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:45,618 No. 447 00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:48,087 Uh, maybe George Clooney. 448 00:19:48,154 --> 00:19:50,623 Clooney doesn't count. 449 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,860 Trust me. You're not gay. 450 00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,230 (dejected): Okay... 451 00:19:57,297 --> 00:20:01,301 You seem disappointed. 452 00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:06,839 I just... I feel like I'm letting a lot of people down. 453 00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:09,175 Alan... 454 00:20:09,242 --> 00:20:12,044 it's okay to be straight. 455 00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:14,381 I know. I guess. 456 00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:16,549 So just to put all our cards on the table, 457 00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:18,385 you're, you're not at all attracted to me? 458 00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:20,287 No. You're not my type. 459 00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:22,054 Now, Charlie, on the other hand... 460 00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:23,256 What about him? 461 00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:24,257 He's, uh... 462 00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,326 very pretty. 463 00:20:26,393 --> 00:20:29,128 Get out of my car! What? 464 00:20:29,195 --> 00:20:30,196 You think Charlie's so pretty, 465 00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:31,464 go to the mall with Charlie. 466 00:20:31,531 --> 00:20:33,633 Come on, Alan, we're friends. 467 00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:35,234 No, I'm always the friend. 468 00:20:35,302 --> 00:20:36,569 Everybody wants Charlie. 469 00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:37,370 Alan! 470 00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:39,038 You're not gay! 471 00:20:39,105 --> 00:20:41,207 Yeah, yeah, well, there's a principle involved. 472 00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:42,409 Good night! 473 00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:47,780 Suit yourself. 474 00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:58,658 Well, at least I know who I am. 475 00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:03,296 A heterosexual nut job. 476 00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:04,664 * Men. 477 00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:12,839 I can't believe you broke up with Sophie's dad. 478 00:21:12,905 --> 00:21:15,074 I didn't... 479 00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:17,477 I'm not... 480 00:21:19,712 --> 00:21:22,549 I'm sorry. 481 00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:24,484 You know what would help this room? 482 00:21:24,551 --> 00:21:27,854 Get rid of all these lamps and put in some track lighting. 483 00:21:29,055 --> 00:21:31,223 Much more flattering. 484 00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:34,927 What are you eating? 485 00:21:34,994 --> 00:21:36,529 Lip gloss. 486 00:21:38,064 --> 00:21:39,799 * Men.