1 00:00:02,703 --> 00:00:04,338 You and Judith were meant for each other. 2 00:00:04,405 --> 00:00:05,606 What could possibly come between you? 3 00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:06,607 My sister. 4 00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:08,309 You got a sister? 5 00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:10,378 You know what, Herb? Judith can relax. 6 00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:12,313 I'm going to check into a hotel. 7 00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:14,615 Myra, no, you don't have to do that. 8 00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:16,650 Yes, she does. 9 00:00:16,717 --> 00:00:19,053 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait-- you don't have to stay at a hotel. 10 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,488 I've got plenty of room at my place. 11 00:00:20,554 --> 00:00:21,622 Yeah, I'll bet you do. 12 00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,023 No strings attached. 13 00:00:23,091 --> 00:00:24,992 Why can't I sleep in my bed? 14 00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:26,427 Aunt Myra's not there. 15 00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:28,262 I'm sure she will be. 16 00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:31,299 She's probably just getting something in the kitchen. 17 00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:34,235 (bed springs squeaking ryhthmically) 18 00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:40,541 That's not the kitchen. 19 00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:44,512 * Men... * 20 00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:01,329 Thinking of chewing your arm off? 21 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,567 What? No, no, no, why would I do that? 22 00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:09,670 I don't know, maybe because you're not horny anymore 23 00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:14,508 and you just remembered I'm staying through the weekend. 24 00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:19,713 You got all that from the twitching of my shoulder muscles? 25 00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:22,550 I have those muscles too, Charlie. 26 00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:25,119 Okay, good to know. 27 00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:30,090 Well, to be honest, I did have a momentary panic reflex, 28 00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:33,594 but it passed and I'm actually happy you're here. 29 00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:35,296 You sound surprised. 30 00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:38,732 Surprised doesn't begin to cover it. 31 00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:41,435 Normally, at this point in a relationship, 32 00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:44,538 I'm busy plotting the appropriate exit strategy. 33 00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:46,106 For example? 34 00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:49,643 Well, that would depend on whether I'm trying 35 00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:53,214 to get rid of them just for today or forever. 36 00:01:53,281 --> 00:01:55,683 Let's say today. 37 00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:58,652 Okay, today, I have to see my dermatologist 38 00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:00,454 about a little rash. 39 00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:03,157 Oh, that's good. 40 00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:04,492 All right, what about forever? 41 00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:06,126 Turns out it wasn't a rash-- 42 00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:07,628 and they won't let me come home. 43 00:02:07,695 --> 00:02:09,763 Impressive. 44 00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:11,332 Thank you. 45 00:02:11,399 --> 00:02:13,567 I'm kind of a savant. 46 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:17,205 Well, it looks like you're good at two things. 47 00:02:17,271 --> 00:02:18,506 What's the other one? 48 00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:24,612 Oh, right. 49 00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:25,613 The piano. 50 00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:30,518 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 51 00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:33,354 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 52 00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:38,426 Okay, I just checked-- 53 00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,294 no one slept in my bed all night. 54 00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:42,296 It's none of your business who slept where. 55 00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:44,198 Excuse me, but if who sleeps in my bed 56 00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:45,599 is not my business, then what is? 57 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,501 Let it go, Goldilocks. 58 00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:48,469 Morning. 59 00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:50,170 Morning. 60 00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:52,573 And how many times do you have to get up to go pee? 61 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,442 I wasn't counting. 62 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,210 I was-- four. 63 00:02:56,277 --> 00:02:58,746 Okay, one of those was to get a glass of water. 64 00:02:58,812 --> 00:03:00,214 Well, there's your problem. 65 00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:01,549 Stop topping off the tank. 66 00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:03,851 What's going on? 67 00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,320 I had to sleep in Dad's room last night, 68 00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:09,390 'cause Uncle Charlie invited Aunt Myra to stay in my room, but it turns out... 69 00:03:09,457 --> 00:03:11,124 Got it. 70 00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:13,126 Well, do you think it's fair? 71 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,296 Nothing about your Uncle Charlie's life is fair, kid. 72 00:03:15,363 --> 00:03:16,564 Hurry up and finish your breakfast. 73 00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:18,532 We've got to get you fitted for a tux. 74 00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:20,334 Why do I have to wear a tuxedo? 75 00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:21,402 Because your mother's getting married 76 00:03:21,469 --> 00:03:22,770 and you're in the wedding party. 77 00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:24,905 Why do I have to be in the wedding party? 78 00:03:24,972 --> 00:03:26,674 Because your mother still thinks you're cute. 79 00:03:28,276 --> 00:03:28,809 Morning. 80 00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:30,344 Morning. Morning. 81 00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:31,512 Everybody get a good night's sleep? 82 00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:33,381 No. No. 83 00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:36,250 Say, Charlie, where's this houseguest I'm hearing about? 84 00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:40,454 Uh, gee, I guess she's probably still asleep in Jake's room. 85 00:03:40,521 --> 00:03:42,390 Oh, please, you are such a liar. 86 00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:43,824 What? 87 00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:45,493 Forget it, Charlie, we know. 88 00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:46,494 You do? 89 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,396 ALL: We do. 90 00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:51,499 Okay, well, I got a good night's sleep. 91 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:54,368 Probably because Aunt Myra doesn't pee a lot. 92 00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,206 Can I talk to you in private? 93 00:03:59,273 --> 00:04:01,509 Come on, it's no big deal. 94 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,176 I was in the middle of flossing 95 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,745 and suddenly, there she is, sitting on my bed... 96 00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:05,746 Uh-uh-uh-uh. 97 00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:08,582 He doesn't need to hear this. 98 00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:10,884 Fine. 99 00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:13,954 Like I didn't hear enough last night. 100 00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:22,296 Okay, uh, let me just start 101 00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:25,733 by saying I applaud the, uh... the gusto 102 00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:26,934 with which you approach life. 103 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,436 Thank you. 104 00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:30,771 Um, that being said, uh... 105 00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:34,442 are you, um, out of your frickin' mind?! 106 00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:37,277 Beg pardon? 107 00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:39,880 You just could not control yourself. 108 00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:42,350 A female's in the house-- she must be mounted. 109 00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:44,885 No, it's not like that at all. 110 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,354 And why do you even care? 111 00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:49,390 Why?! You ask me why?! 112 00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:52,259 Never mind, unimportant. 113 00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:54,828 I will tell you why. 114 00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:58,265 Because every time you rut with any woman 115 00:04:58,332 --> 00:05:00,000 even remotely connected to my life, 116 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,234 I end up suffering. 117 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,536 Oh, that's ridiculous. 118 00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:04,438 Ridiculous you say? 119 00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:07,240 All right, all right, let's look at the record. 120 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:10,378 Um, you slept with Judith's sister... 121 00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:11,645 Well, yeah, but... 122 00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:14,548 ...at my wedding reception! 123 00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:18,452 All right, poor timing. 124 00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:22,022 You had more sex on my wedding day than I did. 125 00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:24,658 That part's not my fault. 126 00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:26,293 Okay, okay. 127 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:27,728 Let's jump ahead. 128 00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:30,531 Uh, when Judith was divorcing me, 129 00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:34,001 who seduced and then abandoned my lawyer, 130 00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:36,504 causing her to take revenge on me? 131 00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,472 Hold on, that chick was nuts. 132 00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,508 I lost everything. 133 00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:43,611 Well, to be fair, you didn't have that much to begin with. 134 00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:51,018 And now... 135 00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:54,354 that Judith is finally getting remarried, 136 00:05:54,422 --> 00:05:58,492 and I can see the light at the end of the alimony tunnel, 137 00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:01,795 you decide, "Hey, why don't I start humping 138 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,397 her new sister-in-law?" 139 00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:06,033 That is not how it happened. 140 00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:07,568 I don't care how it happened. 141 00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:09,403 I only care how it's going to end. 142 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,539 And it's going to end badly for me. 143 00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:12,640 How? 144 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,408 Explain how. 145 00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:16,309 I don't know yet. 146 00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:16,977 That's always part of the fun. 147 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:23,451 Trying to guess how your penis is going to bite me in the ass. 148 00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:26,987 Alan, you got to believe me here. 149 00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:29,389 This is different. I really like Myra. 150 00:06:29,457 --> 00:06:31,559 Oh, you like all of them. 151 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,995 And then you don't. 152 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,831 What's going to happen when you get tired of this poor girl...? 153 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,032 Morning. 154 00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:40,868 Morning. Morning. 155 00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:42,470 Boy, I slept great. 156 00:06:42,536 --> 00:06:45,573 Jake's bed is really comfortable. 157 00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:48,341 Don't bother. He knows. 158 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,378 Oh. Boy, I slept great. 159 00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:53,481 Charlie's a terrific lover. 160 00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:56,884 Oh, this one's going to be bad. 161 00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:04,558 I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo. 162 00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:06,627 Because you're going to your mother's wedding, 163 00:07:06,694 --> 00:07:09,362 not hosting a game show on Telemundo. 164 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:13,433 (Spanish accent): This from a grown man wearing a green polo shirt. 165 00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:19,607 Look, all the other men are going to be wearing black tuxedos. 166 00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,408 If all the other men were jumping off a bridge 167 00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:22,876 would you want me to do that, too? 168 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:24,945 If it would keep your mother off my back, yes. 169 00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:26,446 I'll get the jacket. 170 00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:28,716 Thank you. 171 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,851 Listen, this is a very big day for your mother. 172 00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:32,452 It's important that you cooperate 173 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:33,854 and make her proud of you. 174 00:07:33,921 --> 00:07:36,690 I'm her son-- she has to be proud of me. 175 00:07:36,757 --> 00:07:38,859 You think so, huh? 176 00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:40,494 Have you met my mother? 177 00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:42,162 Oh, yeah. 178 00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:45,032 Let me explain something to you. 179 00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:47,668 A woman's wedding day is something she will remember for the rest of her life. 180 00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:49,169 So if you screw it up, 181 00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:51,539 she will never forgive you. 182 00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:54,041 Even if it were your brother's fault and that there was nothing 183 00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:57,010 you could do to prevent it short of having him fixed. 184 00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:59,547 Don't worry, Dad, it will be fine. 185 00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,414 Thank you. 186 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:02,650 I don't have a brother. 187 00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:09,957 Okay, we haven't really talked about what all this means. 188 00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:11,491 What what means? 189 00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:13,527 All the big changes that are happening. 190 00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:15,195 It's just a couple of hairs, Dad. 191 00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:17,531 It's not that big a deal. 192 00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:25,172 Not-Not those changes, but... 193 00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:28,041 the wedding, I mean, you're going to have a stepdad in your life. 194 00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,543 So? 195 00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:32,079 So, is there anything you want to talk about? 196 00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:33,213 Do you have any questions? 197 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:34,782 Just one. 198 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,149 Yeah, buddy? 199 00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:38,652 Why can't I wear the blue tuxedo? 200 00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:42,556 * Men... * 201 00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:44,958 Jake, your dinner's getting cold. 202 00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:46,894 So, what did you guys do today? 203 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:50,097 We went on the Universal Studios tour 204 00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:52,700 and then Charlie took me to the Hollywood Wax Museum. 205 00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:54,902 You're kidding! I thought you hated that touristy stuff. 206 00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:56,536 What gave you that idea? 207 00:08:56,604 --> 00:08:58,839 Well, whenever I ask you to go someplace like that, 208 00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:01,541 you say, "I hate that touristy stuff." 209 00:09:01,609 --> 00:09:03,476 Well, this is different. 210 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:06,246 How? I enjoy her company. 211 00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,182 And it's my first trip to L.A., 212 00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:11,484 so I want to do all the traditional stuff. 213 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,553 Tomorrow, we're going to sit in rush hour traffic 214 00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:15,188 and give other drivers the finger. 215 00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:18,926 Good evening. 216 00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:23,130 Why are you wearing that? 217 00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:24,765 You said I looked great in it. 218 00:09:24,832 --> 00:09:26,667 You do, but I don't want you messing it up 219 00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:27,601 before your mom's wedding. 220 00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:29,002 I won't mess it up. 221 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,270 Oh, come on, Alan, you've got to admit 222 00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:31,939 he lends a bit of class to the place. 223 00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:33,941 Thank you, my good man. 224 00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:37,577 Hey, speaking of the wedding, 225 00:09:37,645 --> 00:09:40,681 Charlie, I have a favor I'd like to ask. Sure. 226 00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:43,116 Well, I have to be there, and I was just thinking 227 00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:45,552 that the only way it is going to be any fun, 228 00:09:45,619 --> 00:09:48,789 is if you come with me. 229 00:09:48,856 --> 00:09:52,893 (choking) 230 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:59,266 You want me to be your date at Judith's wedding? 231 00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:01,268 (loud gagging) 232 00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:04,772 Yeah. 233 00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:06,306 We'll have some laughs-- what do you say? 234 00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:08,241 (hissing) 235 00:10:10,343 --> 00:10:12,045 (clearing throat) 236 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,580 I'm laughing already. 237 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,117 Uh-oh. 238 00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:31,298 * Men... * 239 00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:40,040 You tell Judith if she wants me to be a bridesmaid 240 00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:42,042 and wear that brown satin turd of a dress, 241 00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:44,712 then I am entitled to bring whoever I want as a date, 242 00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:46,313 and I want Charlie! 243 00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:49,917 Okay, bye. 244 00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,885 See? No problem. 245 00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,788 (phone ringing) 246 00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:03,363 (ringing continues) 247 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,166 Okay. 248 00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:09,269 Hi, Judith. 249 00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,306 Problem. 250 00:11:14,742 --> 00:11:16,209 Here's your suit. 251 00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:18,011 Thanks, Berta. 252 00:11:18,078 --> 00:11:22,182 The dry cleaners found $46 and a condom in the breast pocket. 253 00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:25,118 Here's the condom. 254 00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:29,656 Again, thanks. 255 00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:31,358 Can I give you some free advice? 256 00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:34,795 Free? I'm already down $46. 257 00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:37,197 What is it you always say about going to a wedding 258 00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:38,298 with a woman you're sleeping with? 259 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:39,399 This is different, Berta. 260 00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:41,268 You say-- and I quote-- 261 00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:45,105 "Better I should light myself on fire and run through a meth lab." 262 00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:49,943 Oh, that's just a figure of speech. 263 00:11:50,010 --> 00:11:52,412 Come on, Charlie, what are you doing with this girl? 264 00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:55,382 What do you mean? I mean, she's a nice kid. 265 00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:58,118 You're gonna break her heart. You don't know that. 266 00:11:58,185 --> 00:11:59,753 I know you. 267 00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:02,655 Myra's not one of your Handi Wipes in high heels 268 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:07,427 that you can just throw out after you... wipe your handi. 269 00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:10,397 Yeah? Well, you don't know what you're talking about, 270 00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:13,366 because this relationship is not based on sex. 271 00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:15,168 Not based on sex? 272 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:18,371 Well, unless she sweats bourbon and farts hundred-dollar bills, 273 00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:21,341 what exactly is gonna keep you together? 274 00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:24,177 JAKE: Oh, crap. 275 00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:32,752 No, Judith, you listen to me. 276 00:12:32,820 --> 00:12:34,687 If Myra wants to bring Charlie to the wedding, 277 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:35,688 then that's her business. 278 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,290 N-No. No, I will not intervene, 279 00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:39,960 and you're just gonna have to live with it. Good-bye! 280 00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:41,294 I changed my mind. 281 00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:43,030 I'm not going to the wedding. 282 00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,032 Ooh, thank God! 283 00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:48,435 Judith, great news. 284 00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:51,004 I talked him out of it. 285 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,707 Hey. Hey. 286 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,109 Whatcha doing? 287 00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:57,878 Grading tests. 288 00:12:57,945 --> 00:13:00,380 10th grade economics? Uh-huh. 289 00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:01,849 Ask me a question. 290 00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:03,750 Okay. "The functions and implications 291 00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:05,118 of monetary policy..." 292 00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:07,087 Never mind. 293 00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:08,989 You sure? I grade on a curve. 294 00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:11,825 That's all right; I'm stupid on a straight line. 295 00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:15,062 Listen, um... 296 00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:17,931 about the wedding, uh... 297 00:13:17,998 --> 00:13:21,001 I don't... I don't think I should go. 298 00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:22,202 Okay. 299 00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:23,837 I'm just concerned 300 00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:26,373 that-that maybe we should slow things down a bit. 301 00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:27,975 What things? 302 00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:31,478 You know... things. 303 00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:35,482 I mean... you don't know me that well, and... 304 00:13:35,548 --> 00:13:39,286 I'm afraid that I might hurt you without meaning to. 305 00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:41,922 Don't worry about it. 306 00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:43,924 Okay, good. I won't. 307 00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:52,132 Exactly what is it I'm not worrying about? 308 00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:53,867 Hurting me. 309 00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:55,335 Right. 310 00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:59,472 And why am I not worrying about that? 311 00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:02,309 I'm a big girl, Charlie. 312 00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:04,444 Some might even say a woman. 313 00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:10,017 I want to go to the wedding with you. 314 00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:15,322 Don't worry about Jake-- I'll get him there in plenty of time. 315 00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:16,823 Well, you are very welcome. 316 00:14:16,890 --> 00:14:19,292 Best of luck to you and her. Bye-bye. 317 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,161 I'm going to the wedding. 318 00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,566 * Men... * 319 00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:28,301 What is this, candle wax? 320 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:32,439 How do you get candle wax on the seat of your pants? 321 00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:34,374 I don't know. You don't know? 322 00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:37,444 Okay, I might've lit a couple of farts. 323 00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:43,083 I'm ready. Myra's ready. Is he ready? 324 00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:44,217 Does he look ready? 325 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,353 Well, 326 00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,488 he's not wearing any pants. 327 00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:51,524 That's ready for some things. 328 00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:54,027 Just go ahead. I'll get him there. 329 00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:55,162 Okay. 330 00:14:58,065 --> 00:14:59,432 What is that? 331 00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:04,104 Pudding. 332 00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:07,907 * Men... * 333 00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:25,292 You know what? 334 00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:26,593 I just realized something. 335 00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:30,463 I am two for two at Judith's weddings. 336 00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:34,601 What a coincidence-- I'm two for two at Herb's weddings. 337 00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,536 Oh. Okay. 338 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,038 What about funerals? 339 00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:40,240 Can you beat a three-way in a hearse. 340 00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:43,410 No. 341 00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:45,078 You have to think about it? 342 00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:48,115 It's a gray area. 343 00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:49,316 Where have you been? 344 00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,251 I've been looking all over for you. 345 00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:52,619 We were having sex in the coatroom. 346 00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:54,621 Ha-ha. Good one. 347 00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:57,424 Listen, one of my groomsmen 348 00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:59,192 got food poisoning, so you're gonna have 349 00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:01,061 to walk down the aisle with Uncle Fred. 350 00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:02,195 Uncle Fred? 351 00:16:02,262 --> 00:16:03,630 Is that the only man left? 352 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:05,332 Well, there's cousin Trudy. 353 00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:08,568 She's pre-op, but she's wearing a very nice tux. 354 00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:11,971 Why can't I just walk down the aisle with Charlie? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 355 00:16:12,039 --> 00:16:14,141 Whoa, I'm just an innocent bystander at this shindig. 356 00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:16,076 Oh, come on, picture the look on Judith's face 357 00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:17,344 when she sees you at the altar. 358 00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,512 I'm in. 359 00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:23,150 Oh, God. 360 00:16:25,052 --> 00:16:26,486 (whispers): Herb. Herb. 361 00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:29,222 Oh, hi. Hey, thanks for bringing him down. 362 00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:30,990 Well, you look very handsome, Jake. 363 00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:32,959 I know. It's the tux. 364 00:16:33,026 --> 00:16:34,494 Okay, well, uh, congratulations. 365 00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:36,496 I wish you both a lot of happiness. 366 00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:38,031 Oh, thanks, Al. 367 00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:39,332 Don't make the same mistakes I did. 368 00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:42,069 I won't-- she wrote them down for me. 369 00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:46,173 Good. All right, buddy, uh, have some fun. Okay. 370 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:50,577 Oh. Remember, that tux is a rental. 371 00:16:52,145 --> 00:16:53,446 Excuse me. 372 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,482 Are you Judith's ex-husband? 373 00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:57,617 Uh, yeah, yeah, I was just dropping off our son. 374 00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,119 I'm sorry, do I know you? 375 00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:01,088 Oh, no, not really, it's... 376 00:17:01,154 --> 00:17:04,391 Herb and I were engaged before he met Judith, so... 377 00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:05,692 And you're coming to his wedding? 378 00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:07,427 Yeah, well, we're still friends. 379 00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:11,231 Oh. Well, how very... California of you. 380 00:17:11,298 --> 00:17:13,633 Well, I wish him the best. 381 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,435 Mm. 382 00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:18,037 I have to tell you, though, based on first impressions, 383 00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:20,273 I'm not sure that Judith is trading up. 384 00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:22,275 Oh. Thank you. (laughs) 385 00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:25,245 Uh, and having just met you, I feel safe in saying 386 00:17:25,312 --> 00:17:27,380 that Herb's not getting an upgrade, either. 387 00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:30,350 (laughs) 388 00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:34,621 (organ playing) 389 00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:40,693 Oh, man! 390 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,105 Nice dress. 391 00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:53,406 Bite me. 392 00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:56,209 Okay. Meet me in the coatroom. (laughs) 393 00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:59,412 Listen, after the reception, can you take me to the airport? 394 00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:01,080 You're flying home tonight? 395 00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:02,315 Yeah. 396 00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:04,050 I thought we had something going here. 397 00:18:04,117 --> 00:18:05,585 We did, and now I'm going home. 398 00:18:05,652 --> 00:18:08,087 Okay. Maybe I can come visit you sometime. 399 00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:10,557 Ooh, I don't think my boyfriend would like that very much. 400 00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:12,492 Your boyfriend? 401 00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:14,161 He's more like a fiancé. 402 00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:15,595 You're getting married?! 403 00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:20,167 (organ playing "Wedding March") 404 00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:27,374 (whispers): Why didn't you tell me you were engaged? 405 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,242 I thought it would be awkward. 406 00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:30,510 (loudly): Awkward?! 407 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:47,126 MINISTER: You may be seated. 408 00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:55,235 Mm, ow. We-we really shouldn't be doing this. 409 00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:57,103 Why not? They broke our hearts. 410 00:18:57,170 --> 00:18:58,571 Uh, yeah, but I'm kind of over it. 411 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,139 I'm not. 412 00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:03,243 Mm, mm, uh, hang on, hang on. 413 00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:04,777 Maybe we could go out for coffee first. 414 00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:06,446 Or-or a movie. 415 00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:10,417 Alan, this is gonna happen with you or without you. 416 00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:13,586 With me or...? 417 00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,388 How does that work? 418 00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:18,458 The institution of marriage is not one to enter lightly, 419 00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:22,329 so we pause at this time to consider the depth 420 00:19:22,395 --> 00:19:24,197 of that commitment. 421 00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:28,668 (loud clattering) WOMAN: Oh, Alan Harper, you animal! 422 00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:32,305 (clattering continues) I can't believe Judith let you go! 423 00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:35,308 Oh, God! Alan Harper! Oh, God! 424 00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:39,312 Oh, don't stop, Alan Harper! 425 00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:41,281 Please don't stop! 426 00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:44,551 Oh, Alan Harper, I feel like a woman again! 427 00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:49,822 I'm Alan Harper, and I'm not having sex! 428 00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:54,894 * Men... * 429 00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:02,134 Hey. 430 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,436 Hey. 431 00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:05,438 How was the reception? 432 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,243 Kind of a letdown after the ceremony. 433 00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:15,282 But you'll be happy to know your little outburst 434 00:20:15,348 --> 00:20:17,284 is already on YouTube. 435 00:20:17,350 --> 00:20:20,920 Damn camera phones. 436 00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:23,290 Boy, is Mom mad at you. 437 00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:24,657 Yeah. 438 00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:26,893 Well, she might as well start her second marriage 439 00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:28,395 the same way as the first. 440 00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:31,163 (clears throat): So... 441 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,199 drinking in the dark, eh? 442 00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:36,769 It wasn't dark when I started. 443 00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:39,706 Did you get Myra to the airport? 444 00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:41,207 Yep. 445 00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:42,709 And you know what? 446 00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:44,311 I'll never see her again. 447 00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:46,846 I was just a meaningless fling to that girl. 448 00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:49,549 (groans softly) 449 00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:52,919 I'll bet this is that whole karma thing people talk about. 450 00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:55,455 Could be. 451 00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:56,756 (sighs) 452 00:20:56,823 --> 00:20:59,659 You know that feeling you get when... 453 00:20:59,726 --> 00:21:01,894 somebody's gone from your life, and you... 454 00:21:01,961 --> 00:21:04,464 you suddenly realize that you miss them? 455 00:21:04,531 --> 00:21:06,533 Yeah. 456 00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:09,669 I don't care for it. 457 00:21:09,736 --> 00:21:12,705 Hey, you know what always cheers me up? 458 00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:14,206 Pigs in a blanket.