1 00:00:02,303 --> 00:00:03,371 "Help me out here, Doc. 2 00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:04,705 I need a time of death." 3 00:00:04,772 --> 00:00:06,474 "Sorry, Lieutenant, but I can't give you 4 00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:09,277 "an official T.O.D. until I get her on the slab. 5 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:12,446 "But based on hypostatic lividity 6 00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:16,350 "and degree of rigor, I'd say our cheerleader 7 00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:19,620 got her pom-poms pierced right around halftime." 8 00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:21,655 Real? Real. 9 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,426 "Anything else?" 10 00:00:25,493 --> 00:00:28,296 "Left-handed assailant, used a single-edged blade, 11 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:31,165 multiple entry wounds and defensive trauma." 12 00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:33,234 "So how are we gonna find this psychopath?" 13 00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:34,902 "Well, like our killer, 14 00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:38,706 we'll just have to... take a stab at it." 15 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,312 That's it. 16 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,282 (light applauding) 17 00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:50,684 So, you think I'll get the part? 18 00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:54,922 Uh, well, I for one totally buy you 19 00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:58,326 as a brilliant forensic investigator. 20 00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:02,196 Thanks, but I believe it's pronounced "fornesic." 21 00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:05,199 What do you think, Charlie? 22 00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:07,968 Unbelievable. 23 00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:09,670 Aw... 24 00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:12,906 I mean... beyond belief. 25 00:01:12,973 --> 00:01:14,375 That's sweet. 26 00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:17,311 I mean... I just don't believe it. 27 00:01:17,378 --> 00:01:18,612 You made your point, Charlie. 28 00:01:20,348 --> 00:01:22,316 Do you like what I did with the glasses? 29 00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:24,285 On, smart... 30 00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,654 off, hot. 31 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:30,458 My mind is just completely blown. 32 00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:33,927 So when are you gonna be on TV? 33 00:01:33,994 --> 00:01:35,896 I have to pass the audition first. 34 00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:38,832 Let's not put the cart before the whores. 35 00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:41,835 Horse. 36 00:01:41,902 --> 00:01:43,571 (clears throat): Maybe a little. 37 00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:45,906 I've been rehearsing all day. 38 00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:48,809 (makes exploding noise) 39 00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:51,245 What's the name of the show? 40 00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:52,380 Stiffs. 41 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,382 Stiffs? 42 00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:55,949 You know, like dead bodies. 43 00:01:56,016 --> 00:01:57,751 Oh, right. Sure. 44 00:01:57,818 --> 00:01:59,920 I know what you were thinking. 45 00:02:02,390 --> 00:02:03,757 Well, I better go. 46 00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:04,992 The audition's at 4:00 47 00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:07,328 and I still have to get my tan sprayed on. 48 00:02:07,395 --> 00:02:08,529 Best of luck. 49 00:02:08,596 --> 00:02:10,564 It has nothing to do with luck, Alan. 50 00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:11,999 You just have to stand still 51 00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:14,034 and keep your eyes and mouth closed. 52 00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:16,036 No, I meant... 53 00:02:16,103 --> 00:02:18,439 Never mind. 54 00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:20,007 Knock 'em dead at the audition. Thanks. 55 00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:21,975 And thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat. 56 00:02:22,042 --> 00:02:24,578 It makes me feel like a real doctor. 57 00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,447 Now you know why Alan wears it. 58 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:30,284 Okay, well, uh, tell me how it goes. 59 00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:31,018 I will. 60 00:02:31,084 --> 00:02:32,386 Oh, and by the way. 61 00:02:32,453 --> 00:02:34,288 Did you get the divorce papers? 62 00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:37,925 Not really, but my lawyer explained them to me. Bye. 63 00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:41,662 The-They need to be signed. 64 00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:42,963 Kandi? 65 00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:44,532 (engine starts) 66 00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:48,436 (vehicle departs) 67 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,170 Hey, what's your hurry? 68 00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:52,840 If she becomes a big TV star while you're still married, 69 00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:54,575 she'll have to pay you alimony. 70 00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:57,245 Yeah, and if pigs start flying out of my rear end, 71 00:02:57,311 --> 00:03:00,348 we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives. 72 00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:06,787 I don't know that I'd eat that bacon. 73 00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:10,057 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 74 00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:13,361 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 75 00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:16,364 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 76 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,266 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 77 00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:21,134 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 78 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:24,204 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 79 00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:27,207 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 80 00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:37,251 (knocking) 81 00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:47,361 (knocking) 82 00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:53,166 (knocking continues) 83 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,135 Isn't anybody gonna get that? 84 00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:05,479 Jake? 85 00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:08,449 Yeah? 86 00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:10,584 (knocking) What are you doing? 87 00:04:10,651 --> 00:04:12,386 Hanging posters. 88 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,362 Did you consider using scotch tape? 89 00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:24,231 It doesn't hold as well. Especially her. 90 00:04:25,533 --> 00:04:26,934 Who is that? 91 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,436 Raven. 92 00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:31,271 She's the North American ladies' wrestling champ. 93 00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:33,341 Aha. 94 00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:38,178 All oiled up and ready to... wrestle. 95 00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:41,449 (knocking) 96 00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,451 Damn it! This isn't funny! 97 00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,489 Quick little bastards. 98 00:04:50,157 --> 00:04:52,360 What happened to your Harry Potter posters? 99 00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:54,294 I'm not a kid anymore, Dad. 100 00:04:54,362 --> 00:04:56,397 You don't have to be a kid to like Harry Potter. 101 00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:58,131 You want it, take it. 102 00:04:58,198 --> 00:05:01,535 Aw, Harry. You crumpled Harry. 103 00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:04,237 You remember when we got this? No. 104 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:06,239 Oh, come on, we stood on line 105 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,475 outside that bookstore at midnight 106 00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:09,510 to get one of the first copies? 107 00:05:09,577 --> 00:05:11,979 You were dressed as Harry and I was dressed as Dumbledore. 108 00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:13,381 I don't remember, Dad. 109 00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:14,915 Sure you do. 110 00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:17,184 You made fun of that other kid 'cause he had 111 00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:19,286 a flying mop instead of a broom, and, uh, 112 00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:21,589 he started crying and his father punched me in the chest? 113 00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:25,058 No. 114 00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:27,995 Yeah, well, you weren't the one with the cracked rib. 115 00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:30,664 Anyway, what, uh, what prompted you to... 116 00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,332 redecorate like this? 117 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,035 I don't know, I like cars and wrestling. 118 00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:37,004 And wet T-shirts, apparently. 119 00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:40,974 Oh, there is a wet T-shirt on that-- I hadn't noticed. 120 00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:45,446 (knocking) 121 00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:47,080 Ha! 122 00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:57,024 Jake's redecorating. 123 00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:59,693 Yeah, I can see that. 124 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:02,996 Oh, Raven. 125 00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:05,399 Those are fake, by the way. 126 00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:06,434 Charlie! 127 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:08,268 What? He has a right to know. 128 00:06:08,335 --> 00:06:10,404 I'm just glad the little guy's got me to... 129 00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:11,605 Wait a minute. 130 00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:13,474 Are those nails in my wall? 131 00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:15,976 Are you out of your freakin' mind? 132 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,578 No. 133 00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:20,247 No? That's your answer? No? 134 00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,349 Yeah. 135 00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:24,251 Charlie... Charlie, come on. 136 00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:27,120 For God's sake! 137 00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,388 These are railroad spikes! 138 00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:30,491 I'll putty over it. 139 00:06:30,558 --> 00:06:32,225 That's not plaster board, that's stucco. 140 00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:33,727 You can't just putty stucco. 141 00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:35,162 I know, I'll fix it. 142 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:36,363 Let's just give him some privacy. 143 00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:37,598 Wait, wait, wait. 144 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,735 At least I can take one hammer out of his hand. 145 00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:45,372 * Men... * 146 00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:46,607 ALAN (on TV): Jake, look at Daddy. 147 00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:50,177 Look at Daddy. Look at Daddy. 148 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:51,545 Ah, that's my boy. 149 00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:52,580 Where's Daddy? 150 00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:53,681 Daddy's over here. 151 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,382 Wasn't he adorable? 152 00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:57,485 Yeah. 153 00:06:57,551 --> 00:07:00,488 Hey, could you rewind to Judith breast-feeding him? 154 00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:05,493 That was really adorable. 155 00:07:08,295 --> 00:07:09,463 Especially the part 156 00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:11,532 where she does the old switcheroo. 157 00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:16,369 (baby Jake babbling) 158 00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:21,041 I miss that little boy. 159 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:24,612 Seems like only yesterday I could hold him in one arm. 160 00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:28,215 He didn't weigh more than eight or nine pounds. 161 00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:31,018 He craps more than that now. 162 00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,525 Where did the time go? 163 00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:39,359 His childhood is almost over 164 00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:42,462 and there's still so much stuff I want to do with him. 165 00:07:42,530 --> 00:07:43,664 Like what? 166 00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:45,533 You know, father-son stuff. 167 00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:48,502 Pretty soon, there'll be no more playing catch 168 00:07:48,569 --> 00:07:50,103 or riding bikes. 169 00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:51,739 Do you realize I've never even taken him 170 00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,642 fishing or camping or hunting? 171 00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:58,111 Do you know how to fish or camp or hunt? 172 00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:00,581 That's not the point. 173 00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:04,251 I-I-I thought we would learn together. 174 00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:05,385 Oh, that sounds good. 175 00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:06,787 You and knucklehead out in the woods 176 00:08:06,854 --> 00:08:09,489 taking turns shooting each other in the ass. 177 00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:17,565 Okay, it's not so much about hunting, per se. 178 00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:20,467 "Per se." There's an outdoorsy phrase. 179 00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:22,202 It's about bonding. 180 00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:23,737 Before you know it, 181 00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:26,406 he'll have no interest in spending time with me at all. 182 00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:29,142 Not unless you grow boobs and straddle a Harley. 183 00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,379 All right, look. 184 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,147 It doesn't help to whine about it. 185 00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:36,183 If you want to get lost in the woods 186 00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:39,186 with Jerky Gherkinheimer, go do it. 187 00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:42,422 My life is just one big joke to you, isn't it? 188 00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:45,325 Actually, it's more of a limerick. 189 00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:50,230 There once was a moron named Al, 190 00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:52,666 who wanted to camp with his pal... 191 00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:57,738 Any chance you can go camping in Nantucket? 192 00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:06,614 So, Charlie, 193 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,481 where's the wife and kid? 194 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,785 They went camping to do some father-son bonding. 195 00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:17,124 (thunder booms) 196 00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:21,494 (all laughing) 197 00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:26,133 (wind whistling) 198 00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:28,168 (thunder rumbling) 199 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:33,506 ALAN: And when they looked at the door handle of the car, 200 00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:36,610 there was nothing there... 201 00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:39,212 but a hook. 202 00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:40,681 A hook? 203 00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,916 That makes no sense. 204 00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:44,517 Oh, I left out a part. 205 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,754 Um, uh, okay, the guy who escaped 206 00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:48,455 from the insane asylum had lost his hand 207 00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,457 in some kind of an industrial accident. 208 00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:53,526 Anyway, they replaced it with a sharp metal hook. 209 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,530 And it was said hook that was stuck 210 00:09:57,597 --> 00:10:00,801 on the aforementioned door handle. 211 00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:06,239 (creepy voice): Ooh... 212 00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,308 Dad, over the past three birthdays 213 00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:11,645 I've gotten $175 in bookstore gift cards. 214 00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:14,614 They're yours if we can just go home. 215 00:10:14,682 --> 00:10:16,516 No, no, we're having fun. 216 00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:18,819 Hey, I know-- we'll sing a song. 217 00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:23,323 * On top of spaghetti 218 00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,358 * All covered with cheese 219 00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:27,294 Come on, you used to love this one. 220 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,463 * I lost my poor meatball 221 00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:32,766 * When somebody sneezed 222 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,567 (thunder booms) 223 00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:38,305 * It rolled off the table 224 00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:41,408 * And... onto the floor 225 00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:42,843 Come on! 226 00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:46,213 * And then my poor meatball 227 00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:48,849 * Rolled right out the door. 228 00:10:48,916 --> 00:10:50,784 * Men... * 229 00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:02,229 Dad... 230 00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:03,163 Yeah, buddy? 231 00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:04,865 Bite me. 232 00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:09,336 You'll see. 233 00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:11,972 Someday you and and I will look back on this weekend 234 00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:14,975 and laugh and laugh... 235 00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:21,048 I didn't say someday soon. 236 00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:24,852 Hey, come on. 237 00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:26,720 I thought you liked wet T-shirts. 238 00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:38,231 Hey. 239 00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:41,201 Hey. 240 00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:45,038 Shut up. 241 00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:47,207 Oh, come on, Alan. 242 00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:50,077 We both know I can't do that. 243 00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,711 What do you want me to say, 244 00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:53,013 that it was a bad idea? 245 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,848 Okay, it was a bad idea. 246 00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,785 And the only thing we bonded over was our mutual discomfort 247 00:11:57,851 --> 00:12:00,754 with pooping into a coffee can. 248 00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:03,056 It wasn't Chock Full O' Nuts, was it? 249 00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:08,796 Sorry, sorry. Where's Jake? 250 00:12:08,862 --> 00:12:12,900 He went back to his friends in Hooterville. 251 00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,837 Well, I can't blame him. 252 00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:20,340 It never rains in Hooterville. 253 00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:23,243 Look, Alan, seriously, 254 00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:24,878 I'm, I'm sorry it didn't work out. 255 00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:26,079 I know your heart was in the right place. 256 00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:27,781 Thank you. 257 00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:30,884 Now, I finished the limerick. You want to hear it? 258 00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:34,654 Too soon? 259 00:12:34,721 --> 00:12:36,356 You don't get it. 260 00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,658 You don't understand what it's like 261 00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:40,293 to be a little boy's best friend, 262 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:43,797 to be someone he looks up to, and then one day you turn around 263 00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:46,699 and the only person he looks up to is covered with baby oil 264 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:47,968 and nailed to the ceiling. 265 00:12:48,035 --> 00:12:49,903 Count your blessings. 266 00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:51,704 There's all kinds of pictures that could have been up there. 267 00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:52,973 Yeah, I guess. 268 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,875 It could have been the Moscow Ballet. 269 00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:58,311 I got it. Still, 270 00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:00,713 I can't help but feel a little empty inside, 271 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:03,817 like, like a chapter of my life is over. 272 00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:06,920 So? You've still got plenty to look forward to. 273 00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:10,690 You mean, besides work, loneliness and death? 274 00:13:10,757 --> 00:13:12,125 Absolutely. 275 00:13:12,192 --> 00:13:17,831 There's memory loss... 276 00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:22,335 impotence, adult diapers. 277 00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:26,473 I'm all you've got, pal. 278 00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:32,212 That's true. 279 00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:35,748 My wives are gone, my son is grown, 280 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,852 but I'll always have you... 281 00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:41,889 my brother. 282 00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,894 Forever. 283 00:13:49,396 --> 00:13:54,167 Okay, now, I was just having fun, but that was mean. 284 00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:55,335 * Men. 285 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,872 Well, when will he be back? 286 00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:02,475 All right, tell him I called again. 287 00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:03,376 Boy, some agent. 288 00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:04,344 He never calls, 289 00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:05,845 he never returns my calls. 290 00:14:05,913 --> 00:14:09,116 I'm almost sorry I let him feel me up. 291 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:12,953 I guess that's showbiz. 292 00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:15,355 That's what he said. 293 00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:17,290 Uh, listen, Kandi... 294 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,759 I really thought they liked me at that audition. 295 00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:21,895 They had me read three times, and then all the jumping jacks. 296 00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:22,996 Jumping jacks? 297 00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:24,764 It's an action series, Alan. 298 00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:26,766 They need to know that I'm fit. 299 00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:31,104 Ah. Uh, listen, Kandi, there's something I wanted 300 00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:32,472 to talk to you about. 301 00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,007 If it's about the divorce papers 302 00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:35,242 I haven't signed them yet. 303 00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,310 No, no, that's not why I'm here. 304 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:40,113 Um, sweetie, do you remember why we split up? 305 00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:41,214 The big reason or all the little reasons? 306 00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:43,083 The big one. 307 00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:44,551 'Cause there were a lot of little reasons, Alan. 308 00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:46,119 I know. 309 00:14:46,186 --> 00:14:47,254 Like the way your toenails grow all crazy. 310 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:48,555 Right. 311 00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:50,323 And your ear hair and your nose hair. 312 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:51,891 Got it. 313 00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:55,362 And that one long hair on your back, yuck! 314 00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:56,563 Wait, forget the little reasons. 315 00:14:56,629 --> 00:14:58,365 Just, just the big one. 316 00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:00,900 Yeah, you didn't want to have a baby, and I did. 317 00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:05,505 Right. Well, what would you say if I were to tell you that 318 00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:08,841 I've changed my mind about that? 319 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,478 Really? 320 00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:15,515 Yeah, I've just been thinking that Jake is almost grown 321 00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:18,986 and there's still a lot of daddy left in me. 322 00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:22,355 So you want to have a baby? 323 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,024 Yes, I do. 324 00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:26,994 A fresh start, a-a-a new chapter. 325 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:29,362 Wow, that's a big step. 326 00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,331 Yeah, I know. I know it is. 327 00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:33,000 So if you want to think about it... 328 00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:34,567 No, that's okay. Let's make a baby. 329 00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:36,203 Just like that? 330 00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:38,271 Don't you want to talk about it some more? 331 00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:40,307 Alan, it's practically all we talked about 332 00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:41,908 our entire marriage. 333 00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:44,577 Baby, baby, toenails, baby, ear hair, baby, 334 00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:47,981 how clocks work, baby. 335 00:15:48,048 --> 00:15:50,017 (chuckles) 336 00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,085 So... so you really want to do this? 337 00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:54,287 Do what? 338 00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,326 You see, if you use tape, 339 00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,261 it's much easier to rotate in new posters 340 00:16:01,328 --> 00:16:03,563 when these ones stop working for you. 341 00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,566 I don't think that's gonna happen. 342 00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:09,269 Trust me. After a while, these beautiful eyes 343 00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:12,172 are gonna be filled with judgment and condemnation. 344 00:16:12,239 --> 00:16:14,007 What are you talking about? 345 00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:18,378 Okay, maybe that was just me. 346 00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:21,048 Anyway, you're lucky 347 00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:22,582 your dad lets you hang posters like this. 348 00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,084 I guess. 349 00:16:24,151 --> 00:16:25,385 Does your mother let you? 350 00:16:25,452 --> 00:16:26,586 No way. 351 00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,088 So what do you got at her house, 352 00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:29,556 a secret stash of magazines? 353 00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:33,560 Just one. Playboy 1998, the Christmas issue. 354 00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:35,595 God bless Hugh Hefner, huh? 355 00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:38,598 God bless Kimberly Macadoo from Portland, Oregon 356 00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,667 born March 4, 1979. 357 00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:42,569 Turn-ons: sunshine and goatees. 358 00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:45,472 Turn-offs: judgmental people and war. 359 00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:48,408 Gotta love a chick who doesn't like war. 360 00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:51,178 Tape me. 361 00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:54,247 Hey, Uncle Charlie, could you do me a favor? 362 00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:57,384 If it's the favor I'm thinking of, not until you're 18 363 00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,386 and not in my house. 364 00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:00,387 What? 365 00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:01,221 Nothing, nothing. 366 00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:02,689 What do you need? 367 00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:05,592 Could you get my dad to lay off the father-son stuff? 368 00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:06,993 It's kinda lame. 369 00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:09,129 Lame? You think it's lame 370 00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:10,663 your father cares so much about you 371 00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:13,166 he wants nothing more than to be part of your life? 372 00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:15,602 Yeah. 373 00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:18,238 Look, you gotta understand 374 00:17:18,305 --> 00:17:19,472 what your father's going through. 375 00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:20,673 What do you mean? 376 00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:24,677 Okay, here's the deal. 377 00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:28,715 Your father has reached a very difficult age. 378 00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:30,583 It's confusing and a little bit scary for him. 379 00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,152 Scary how? 380 00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:34,487 Well, first of all, his body's changing. 381 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,389 Really? 382 00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:39,726 Oh, yeah. Hair is growing where it's never grown before. 383 00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:42,629 That is scary. 384 00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:45,031 And then there's the hormones. Hormones? 385 00:17:45,098 --> 00:17:48,601 Yep, your father is running out of them. 386 00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,703 Sounds bad. 387 00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:53,640 No, no, it's just a perfectly natural part 388 00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:54,674 of growing old, Jake. 389 00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:55,675 Is it happening to you? 390 00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:58,145 No, no, no. 391 00:17:58,211 --> 00:18:03,183 My point is that your father is going through this phase 392 00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:05,485 and you have to be patient and understanding. 393 00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:08,020 So he's gonna want to go camping again? 394 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:12,091 Probably not in this lifetime. 395 00:18:12,159 --> 00:18:15,728 But you might have to play catch with him or something. 396 00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:17,464 Guess I could do that. 397 00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:19,366 Atta boy. 398 00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:22,435 All right, well, I'm glad we had this little talk. 399 00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:25,205 Now I'm gonna go get hammered. 400 00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:45,658 (English accent): Hello, ladies, I'm Harry Potter. 401 00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:49,696 * Men. 402 00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:51,464 Is there anything special we have to do? 403 00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,466 Oh, no, no. It's just like regular sex, 404 00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:55,402 but without all the last-minute fumbling for a condom. 405 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:58,104 Oh, okay, but I still get all the rest 406 00:18:58,171 --> 00:18:59,706 of the fumbling, right? 407 00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:02,642 I prefer to call that "foreplay." 408 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:04,744 (phone rings) 409 00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:05,778 Hold on. 410 00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:09,048 Hello. 411 00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:10,149 This is she. 412 00:19:10,217 --> 00:19:11,818 Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 413 00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:13,586 Hold on a sec. 414 00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,625 Here, we're divorced. 415 00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:21,428 Okay, I'm back. You were saying? 416 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:24,264 Really? I got the part? 417 00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:26,299 Thank you so much. 418 00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:28,701 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 419 00:19:29,802 --> 00:19:31,504 Alan, I got the part. 420 00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:33,273 Oh, that's terrific. Congratulations. 421 00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:34,674 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 422 00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:36,376 Put that thing away. 423 00:19:36,443 --> 00:19:38,144 But I-I thought... 424 00:19:38,211 --> 00:19:40,112 Oh, please, nobody wants 425 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,648 to see a pregnant fornesic investigator. 426 00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:49,656 Hey, can we still do it with a condom? 427 00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:51,090 * Men. 428 00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:58,598 (sportscast playing) 429 00:19:58,665 --> 00:19:59,766 It's dark out. 430 00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:01,368 Okay. 431 00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:02,735 I tried. 432 00:20:05,104 --> 00:20:06,973 Help me out here, Doc. 433 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:09,075 I need a time of death for our little cheerleader. 434 00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:10,943 I can't give you an official T.O.D. 435 00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:12,745 until I get her on the slab. 436 00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:15,315 But based on hypostatic lividity and degree of rigor, 437 00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:17,817 I'd say our cheerleader got her pom-poms pierced 438 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:18,851 right around halftime. 439 00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:20,520 Anything else? 440 00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:22,789 Left-handed assailant, used a single-edge blade, 441 00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:25,558 multiple entry wounds and defensive trauma. 442 00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:27,994 So how are we gonna find this psychopath? 443 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:32,799 Well, like our killer, we'll just have to take a stab at it. 444 00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:38,605 * Mama's got a squeezebox, Daddy never sleeps at night * 445 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:43,643 Unbelievable. 446 00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:45,712 Yeah. 447 00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:47,714 They're real, you know. 448 00:20:52,552 --> 00:20:54,987 I know, I was married to her. 449 00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:57,056 Oh, yeah. 450 00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:58,090 Dawg! 451 00:21:08,668 --> 00:21:10,637 You know what? I'll be in my room. 452 00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:22,549 When are you guys going fishing?