1
00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:05,539
ALAN:
Hey, Charlie, would you
see who that is?!

2
00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,215
It's Death!

3
00:00:14,282 --> 00:00:15,916
ALAN:
Hi, Mom!

4
00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:20,888
Your gardener left this
in the driveway.

5
00:00:20,954 --> 00:00:23,791
It wasn't a gardener,
it was a girl with a grudge.

6
00:00:28,129 --> 00:00:29,830
So how
was your friend's funeral?

7
00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:31,865
Oh! Terribly disappointing.

8
00:00:31,932 --> 00:00:33,367
Yeah, in my experience,

9
00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:37,037
nothing kills a party
like a dead broad in a box.

10
00:00:37,105 --> 00:00:39,807
Don't be glib, Charlie.

11
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:40,808
Hello, Alan.

12
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:41,809
Oh, hey, Mom.

13
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,577
Wow, you look nice.

14
00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:45,913
Yes, mourning becomes me,
doesn't it?

15
00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:48,849
If only more
of my friends would die.

16
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:52,086
I'm sure the feeling's mutual.

17
00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:53,854
Charlie, as long
as you're over there,

18
00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:55,223
make Mommy a drink.

19
00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:57,425
It's been
a very depressing afternoon.

20
00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:59,593
Thanks for spreading
it around.

21
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:02,896
Can you believe,
two of Cynthia's three children

22
00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:05,599
didn't even bother showing up
at her funeral?

23
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:08,969
And the one who did was drunk
and cracking tasteless jokes

24
00:01:09,036 --> 00:01:11,605
about his mother
all throughout the service.

25
00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:14,908
You didn't happen
to jot any of them
down, did you?

26
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,546
And it wasn't just the children.

27
00:01:18,612 --> 00:01:20,848
The crowd was very sparse

28
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,217
and there
was virtually no mourning.

29
00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:24,552
Well, that's understandable,
isn't it?

30
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:26,320
You said no one really liked
this woman.

31
00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:28,589
Oh, she was a hateful shrew,
but still.

32
00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:31,492
Fortunately,

33
00:01:31,559 --> 00:01:33,361
I was able to draw
on my theater background

34
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:34,595
and work up a good cry.

35
00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:37,097
Sense-memory.

36
00:01:37,165 --> 00:01:38,899
I remember the time

37
00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:41,602
I wasn't cast as Blanche Dubois
in Streetcar.

38
00:01:41,669 --> 00:01:45,105
You're a good friend, Mom.

39
00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:48,542
I know. I'm just glad
that when my time comes,

40
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:51,612
I won't have such
a humiliating sendoff.

41
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:56,016
Right?

42
00:01:56,083 --> 00:01:57,585
Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
Of course.

43
00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:00,654
Well, I'm going
to go freshen up.

44
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:03,357
Even fake tears can ruin
one's mascara.

45
00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:04,992
Speaking of which,

46
00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:06,994
whoever did Cynthia's makeup
should be shot

47
00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:08,162
and buried beside her.

48
00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:10,898
She looked
like a varnished clown.

49
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,033
You'll go to Mom's
funeral, won't you?

50
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:16,670
Of course.
As the eldest son,

51
00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:19,440
it's my obligation
to pound in the stake.

52
00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:23,110
Typical--
nothing for Alan to do.

53
00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:25,546
Okay, you can
cut off her head

54
00:02:25,613 --> 00:02:27,114
and hold it up
for the villagers.

55
00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:31,219
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

56
00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:33,654
* Ah, ah.
* Men. *

57
00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:42,095
Leaving before Mom gets out
of the bathroom.

58
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,232
I thought we were taking her
to dinner.

59
00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:46,200
I can't listen to her anymore.

60
00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:48,936
It just blows my mind
that she can go on and on

61
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:50,838
about her toxic friend's
sad little funeral

62
00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:53,106
when we both know she's going
to end up exactly the same way!

63
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:54,842
I don't disagree,

64
00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:56,244
but there's an option
to running away from her.

65
00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:57,878
Yeah, but we'd get caught

66
00:02:57,945 --> 00:02:59,847
and you'd sell me out
for a reduced sentence.

67
00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:02,916
We could tell
her the truth;

68
00:03:02,983 --> 00:03:04,852
that she's just as toxic
as her late friend

69
00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:06,387
and that that's the way
she's gonna be remembered.

70
00:03:10,057 --> 00:03:11,425
Are you on crack?

71
00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:13,894
Maybe if she realized
how people see her,

72
00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:15,329
she might make an effort
to change.

73
00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:17,331
If she realized how people
see her,

74
00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:19,400
she'd just get new people.

75
00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:21,402
What are we
gonna say, Alan?

76
00:03:21,469 --> 00:03:23,103
"Hey, Mom,
you're a crazy she-bat

77
00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:25,072
"and the only way people will
come to your funeral

78
00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:26,340
"is if your delighted sons

79
00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:28,276
"turn it into
a three-day beer bash

80
00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:29,410
with go-go dancers."

81
00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:31,945
Well, we wouldn't start there.

82
00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:36,850
All right, Cynthia's
in the ground, my face is on,

83
00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:40,120
I look stunning in black;
let's go to dinner.

84
00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:41,922
Just follow my lead.

85
00:03:41,989 --> 00:03:45,158
Um, Mom...?

86
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,295
Yes, dear.

87
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:53,000
Alan thinks you're
a crazy she-bat

88
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:55,303
and no one will mourn
at your funeral either.

89
00:03:58,472 --> 00:04:01,942
We're telling you this
because we love you.

90
00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:03,344
I see.

91
00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:05,946
Look, Mom, you have to realize

92
00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:08,849
that you're not that
different from Cynthia.

93
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:11,285
I most certainly am!

94
00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:13,821
Come on, Mom,
you speak ill of everyone,

95
00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:15,789
even your
closest friends.

96
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:17,090
You, you manipulate people,

97
00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:18,225
you're an unbelievable
narcissist,

98
00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:19,527
you're self-obsessed...

99
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,829
That's a bit redundant,
isn't it?

100
00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:24,231
You find fault with everything,

101
00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:28,001
...and frankly,
I don't know anyone

102
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,470
who enjoys spending time
with you,

103
00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:32,340
let alone would cry
at your funeral.

104
00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:35,275
That's one point of view.

105
00:04:38,446 --> 00:04:40,280
Charlie,

106
00:04:40,348 --> 00:04:42,916
I notice you haven't said
anything.

107
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:47,421
Actually, "crazy
she-bat" was mine.

108
00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:52,159
Again, Mom,
we're only telling you this

109
00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:53,794
because we care about you,
right, Charlie?

110
00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:55,262
We care about you.

111
00:04:55,329 --> 00:04:57,331
And, and it's not too late
for you to change

112
00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:59,433
and become the kind
of person that people

113
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,301
would dearly miss.

114
00:05:01,369 --> 00:05:03,270
When you're dead.

115
00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:07,274
You've given me a lot
to think about.

116
00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:10,043
Yes, and, and while you're
thinking, remember the spirit

117
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:11,412
in which it was intended.

118
00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:14,382
Oh, I won't forget that.

119
00:05:14,448 --> 00:05:17,284
Good, good.

120
00:05:17,351 --> 00:05:20,220
Listen, um, I think I'm gonna
beg off dinner tonight.

121
00:05:20,287 --> 00:05:22,923
Good, good. Aw...

122
00:05:25,393 --> 00:05:27,060
Good-bye, boys.

123
00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:29,229
Bye-bye.
Bye.

124
00:05:34,468 --> 00:05:35,603
Okay.

125
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:36,537
"Okay"?

126
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:40,474
What's okay?
What do you see that's okay?

127
00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:43,010
Well, we got out of dinner.

128
00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:44,445
Yes, but at what cost?

129
00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:47,415
Sure, her feelings are hurt
right now,

130
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:49,550
but that'll pass in time,

131
00:05:49,617 --> 00:05:51,251
and then she'll see this

132
00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:53,387
as an opportunity
to grow and change.

133
00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:55,255
Do you actually believe that?

134
00:05:55,322 --> 00:05:59,627
I have to, Charlie.

135
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,061
I have to.

136
00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:05,032
* Men. *

137
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:08,068
Yo, mad props
on the sandwich, Dad.

138
00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:10,871
This PB and J is off the hook.

139
00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:12,873
Excuse me?

140
00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:15,242
He's been watching MTV Cribs.

141
00:06:16,677 --> 00:06:19,146
The kid's a sponge.

142
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:22,149
For shizzle, my dizzle.

143
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:25,519
Hey, MC Skidmark.

144
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:28,155
Here's something else
you left in your pants.

145
00:06:29,557 --> 00:06:31,525
Oh, right, I was supposed
to mail this.

146
00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:33,594
What is it?
It's a birthday card

147
00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:35,395
Mom gave me to send to Grandma.

148
00:06:35,463 --> 00:06:38,532
Oh, God! Today's Mom's birthday.

149
00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:41,034
You forgot Mom's birthday?

150
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:42,536
Did you remember it?

151
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:46,073
Hey, hey, no one expects me
to remember anything.

152
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:47,908
When's the last time
you talked to her?

153
00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:49,643
I don't know;
probably when we told her

154
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:51,344
she's a horrible person
and nobody likes her.

155
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,647
Oh, yeah, that was a fun day.

156
00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:56,416
I guess I could save
this for next year.

157
00:06:56,484 --> 00:06:58,151
No, no, no, you'll give it
to her in person.

158
00:06:58,218 --> 00:06:59,553
We'll go out,
we'll buy her a present,

159
00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:01,221
and then we'll bring it to her.

160
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:03,624
Gee, Alan, she hasn't talked
to us in weeks.

161
00:07:03,691 --> 00:07:06,359
Don't you think showing up
with a gift my jeopardize that?

162
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:07,628
We have to go.
If we don't show up,

163
00:07:07,695 --> 00:07:08,696
we'll never
hear the end of it.

164
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,264
True dat.

165
00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:13,266
You tell 'em, Poop Dog.

166
00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:19,406
Yo, check out
the bling.

167
00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:21,408
Jake, I'm not going
to tell you again.

168
00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:22,676
You're a pasty white kid.

169
00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:24,244
Start acting like one.

170
00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:26,213
Fine.

171
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:27,247
Oh, this is cool.

172
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,685
It does say "Mom."

173
00:07:31,752 --> 00:07:33,320
Charlie, be serious.

174
00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:35,523
Jake, if you really want
to help, try to find something

175
00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:36,557
that's more appropriate
for your grandma.

176
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:38,391
Like what?

177
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:42,329
See if they got a
grizzly bear ripping
apart a salmon.

178
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:46,266
Hi, there.

179
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:47,968
May I help you find something?

180
00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:49,436
Oh, yeah, we're, uh,
we're looking

181
00:07:49,503 --> 00:07:51,071
for a birthday gift
for our mother.

182
00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:52,706
Oh, how sweet.
When's her birthday?

183
00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:54,074
Today.

184
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:54,742
Oh.

185
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,243
He forgot.

186
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,679
Well, um, tell me something
about her.

187
00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:00,047
What does she like?

188
00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:01,448
Hurting people.

189
00:08:01,515 --> 00:08:03,316
Charlie...

190
00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:04,718
It's a little hard
to answer that

191
00:08:04,785 --> 00:08:07,387
because we have a bit of
a strained relationship.

192
00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:09,456
Oh, so you'd like
to find a gift

193
00:08:09,523 --> 00:08:11,291
that would help bring you
closer together.

194
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:14,327
Oh, no, no.
No, no, no.

195
00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:17,197
This is just your standard
family obligation,

196
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:18,298
"Here it is,
Happy Birthday

197
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:20,033
stay off our backs"
kind of thing.

198
00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:23,270
But with a pretty bow.

199
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:26,774
I see.
And what is your price range?

200
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:30,477
Uh, enough that she can't
complain, but not so much

201
00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:32,345
that it's worth her
while to return it.

202
00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:33,446
Exactly.

203
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:36,216
Have you considered

204
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:38,085
a nice perfume?

205
00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:39,252
Do you know
her scent?

206
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:40,153
Oh, actually, I don't.

207
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:41,388
I do.
You do?

208
00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:43,523
Yep. Do you carry
Chanel No. 666?

209
00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:49,196
You know, I think
I'm going to let
the two of you

210
00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:53,400
just browse a bit more
and I'll be back... maybe.

211
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:54,735
JAKE:
Great news.

212
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:57,504
It's on sale!

213
00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:00,240
* Men. *

214
00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:01,642
(doorbell chiming)

215
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:03,677
Now, remember, this was not
a last-minute thing.

216
00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:05,679
Our plan all along
was to surprise her.

217
00:09:05,746 --> 00:09:08,281
I know how to lie, Dad.

218
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:11,051
We're not lying.
We're being considerate.

219
00:09:11,118 --> 00:09:12,085
By lying.

220
00:09:14,822 --> 00:09:16,356
ALL:
Happy Birthday!

221
00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:19,226
Oh, what a surprise.

222
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,394
That was the plan all along.

223
00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:24,364
I don't know what to say.

224
00:09:24,431 --> 00:09:26,466
After the last time we spoke,
I assumed...

225
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:27,801
Oh, come on, Mom.

226
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,670
No matter what,
you're still our mother.

227
00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:31,304
Right, Charlie?
You're still our mother.

228
00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:34,675
Give her her
present, Jake.

229
00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:36,209
Happy Birthday.

230
00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:37,110
Thank you.

231
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:37,811
Oh, it's heavy.

232
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:39,346
It's just a bowl.

233
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:41,114
I wanted to get you
a bear-eating fish.

234
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:45,819
But we got her a nice
crystal bowl instead.

235
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:49,156
So, can we come in?

236
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:50,357
Actually, I'm having
a little party.

237
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:51,324
A party?!

238
00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:52,860
And you didn't invite us?

239
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:56,329
Charles, if someone's not going
to mourn at my funeral,

240
00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:58,632
I certainly don't want them
at my birthday party.

241
00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:01,735
Then who's here?

242
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:03,603
People who love me.

243
00:10:03,671 --> 00:10:06,339
People who care about me
and accept me for who I am.

244
00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:09,309
Oh, I got to see this.

245
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:12,212
Please come in.

246
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,749
Oh, hello.

247
00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:18,218
Hi.

248
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:21,321
Charlie, Alan, Jake,
I'd like you to meet

249
00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:24,257
Roger and Philip
and their son Changpu.

250
00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:26,226
These are my sons
and grandson.

251
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:28,261
Nice to meet you.
Hello.

252
00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:30,530
Your mom is such
an incredible woman.

253
00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:32,666
She's like the loving
mother I never had.

254
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,301
She's fabulous!

255
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:35,736
We're one big
happy family.

256
00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:43,510
Son of a bitch,
she got new people.

257
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:45,312
* Men. *

258
00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:50,550
Who are these guys?

259
00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:52,519
You're surprised
I have friends?

260
00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:55,088
You're surprised
that I'm surprised?

261
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,157
Roger works in
my real estate office,

262
00:10:57,224 --> 00:10:59,226
Philip does my hair
and I introduced them.

263
00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:00,961
They make a lovely
couple, don't they?

264
00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:02,362
CHARLIE:
Yeah, I guess.

265
00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:04,064
And they adopted...

266
00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:05,933
...Chung King?

267
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,903
Changpu.
Yes-- from China.

268
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:12,005
Of course I had
to help them a bit,

269
00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:13,540
you know, greasing
the bureaucratic wheels.

270
00:11:13,606 --> 00:11:14,908
You bribed someone?

271
00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:16,276
Oh, don't be ridiculous.

272
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:18,011
I merely slept with
a Commie.

273
00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:21,314
Is this goose liver?

274
00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:23,083
It's quail pate
with endive.

275
00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:24,317
Philip's special recipe.

276
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:25,518
Oh, you gotta
give it to me.

277
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:26,553
I'll trade you.

278
00:11:26,619 --> 00:11:28,355
My recipe for
your mother.

279
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:30,357
Done.

280
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:31,992
You are so lucky.

281
00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:34,594
My mother is a bitch on wheels.

282
00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:36,096
Your mother?
What about my mother?

283
00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:37,865
Fine, your mother's
a bitch, too.

284
00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:39,599
* Thank you.

285
00:11:39,666 --> 00:11:42,602
So do you have
PlayStation or an Xbox?

286
00:11:42,669 --> 00:11:45,405
I have a cello.

287
00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:46,974
What do you play
on that?

288
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,110
Beethoven, Brahms,
Bach, Shostakovich.

289
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:52,079
So, no Grand Theft Auto?

290
00:11:56,249 --> 00:12:02,122
* Happy birthday to you

291
00:12:02,189 --> 00:12:07,427
* Happy birthday
to you *

292
00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:08,996
* Happy birthday

293
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:12,065
* Dear Evy
* Dear Grandma

294
00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:17,504
(singing perfect harmony):
* Happy birthday to you.

295
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:20,140
My boys, my boys.

296
00:12:20,207 --> 00:12:21,174
Thank you.

297
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,209
Make a wish.

298
00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:24,677
Why? You're already here.

299
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,246
My wish has come true.

300
00:12:30,317 --> 00:12:34,021
Who wishes for two gay guys
and a Chinese kid?

301
00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:40,127
Evy, now we have a very
special present for you.

302
00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:42,329
What do you think,
a bear eating a bear?

303
00:12:44,631 --> 00:12:46,900
Changpu is going to perform
a cello concerto.

304
00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:49,436
He wrote it himself,
in your honor.

305
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:50,971
How marvelous.

306
00:12:51,038 --> 00:12:54,975
(speaks Chinese)

307
00:12:55,042 --> 00:12:57,277
Should I give her
the card now?

308
00:12:57,344 --> 00:13:00,080
Forget about
the card, Jake.

309
00:13:00,147 --> 00:13:01,181
Shh, shh, shh.

310
00:13:01,248 --> 00:13:03,216
Shampoo is gonna play.

311
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:09,656
(plays classical music)

312
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:14,661
Don't feel bad.

313
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:16,663
I bet he can't
burp the alphabet.

314
00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:23,203
Well, that was one of
the most bizarre evenings

315
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:24,604
I've ever spent.

316
00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:26,073
It was right up there.

317
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:27,941
I thought it was fabulous.

318
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,046
You know what's
happened, don't you?

319
00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:34,314
We've been replaced.

320
00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:36,016
Fine with me.

321
00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:38,085
As long as she's got
Siegfried and Roy,

322
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:39,419
we don't have to
deal with her anymore.

323
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,154
Oh, it's fine with me, too.

324
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:43,090
I just... I can't believe
she conned these guys

325
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:44,391
into thinking
she's a good witch.

326
00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:46,994
Well, we know she's not.

327
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:49,462
Damn right.
You said it, sister.

328
00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:54,301
Hey, Spongebob GayPants,
take a break.

329
00:13:56,736 --> 00:13:59,139
You don't think
we might've been...

330
00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:00,507
wrong about Mom.

331
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:02,042
What?!

332
00:14:02,109 --> 00:14:04,077
I'm just saying
that Roger and Philip

333
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:06,146
obviously see something in her
that we don't.

334
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:08,015
Who knows her better,
us or them?

335
00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:09,549
Well, us, no question.

336
00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:11,584
But maybe there's a part of her
we're missing.

337
00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:14,254
Alan, there's a part of her
she's missing.

338
00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:16,056
It's called her soul.

339
00:14:16,123 --> 00:14:17,524
Snap!

340
00:14:21,128 --> 00:14:22,629
* Men. *

341
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,370
Hey, Mom, how are you?

342
00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:33,006
Charlie, what
a pleasant surprise.

343
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:35,608
Oh, I was just calling to say
happy birthday again

344
00:14:35,675 --> 00:14:37,177
and thanks for last night.

345
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:40,147
It was so nice to meet Philip
and Roger and...

346
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,582
Shanghai.

347
00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:44,284
Changpu.

348
00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:47,254
And thank you for
the lovely crystal bowl.

349
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:48,455
Oh, good-- you like it.

350
00:14:48,521 --> 00:14:50,457
Like it?
Well, I love it.

351
00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:53,093
I'm admiring it right now.

352
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:55,028
Great. Great.

353
00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:56,396
Listen, dear,
I've really got to go.

354
00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:59,032
No, no, no,
wait, wait, wait, Mom.

355
00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:01,301
about that stuff that got said
a couple of weeks ago.

356
00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:03,370
What's that?

357
00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:06,406
Well, I don't have any problems
with you being who you are.

358
00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:08,308
That whole thing about
you needing to change,

359
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:10,343
well, that's Alan's deal.

360
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:13,780
Oh, I knew that.

361
00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:16,149
Yeah, yeah, the thing that
I love about our relationship

362
00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:17,650
is that you don't try
to change me

363
00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:19,452
and I don't try to change you.

364
00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:23,056
We accept each other as, you
know, incapable of changing.

365
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:24,524
That is very sweet.

366
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:27,360
Okay, here you go:
eggs Benedict.

367
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:28,561
My own recipe.

368
00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:30,763
Anything else?

369
00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:33,166
No, no, I guess not.

370
00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:34,201
Love you.

371
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,135
You, too.

372
00:15:35,202 --> 00:15:36,803
Bye-bye.

373
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:38,071
Who was that?

374
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:40,440
Oh, nobody.

375
00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:42,709
Now, you said there
was something important

376
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,077
you wanted to talk to me about.

377
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:45,078
Yeah, yeah.

378
00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:47,114
I was just thinking about...

379
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:49,582
Mm, too much lemon juice
in the hollandaise sauce.

380
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:51,151
Oh, gee, I'm sorry.

381
00:15:51,218 --> 00:15:53,286
You should ask Philip
for his recipe.

382
00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:55,288
I will.

383
00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:58,758
You might also ask him
who cuts his hair.

384
00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:02,062
You don't have to be gay
to look nice.

385
00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:05,065
I'll ask.

386
00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:08,101
Um, anyway, I just wanted
to clear the air

387
00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:09,202
about a few things.

388
00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:11,738
Really? Like what?

389
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,773
Well, you know, that, uh...

390
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:18,078
that stuff that got said
a couple of weeks ago.

391
00:16:18,145 --> 00:16:20,180
I just want you to know...

392
00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:22,382
it was Charlie's idea.

393
00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:24,484
Oh, I knew that.

394
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:27,454
Yeah, I only went along
because, you know,

395
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,622
he's the older
brother and...

396
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:31,391
he might've been drunk.

397
00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:35,095
Well, I'm just glad one of
my sons cares about me.

398
00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:37,530
I do. I love you, Mommy.

399
00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:39,799
Right back at ya.

400
00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:41,234
Now, skidaddle.

401
00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:42,735
Philip and Roger will
be here any minute.

402
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:45,638
Oh, okay.

403
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:50,477
Oh, look,
there they are.

404
00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:53,380
Philip, Roger and Changpu.

405
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:57,817
No pictures of me or Jake?

406
00:16:57,884 --> 00:17:02,555
Sweetheart, I've been asking for
a decent picture for years.

407
00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:04,824
All I've ever gotten
was a school photo of Jake

408
00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:07,327
where he appeared to be
sucking on his shirt.

409
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:11,264
Oh, yeah, they served spaghetti
on picture day.

410
00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:13,500
Oh, hey, you know what
we should do?

411
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:16,603
We should get together and
take a nice family portrait.

412
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:18,138
That sounds lovely.

413
00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:20,173
Great! I'll set it up!
Terrific!

414
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,242
Okay, bye.

415
00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:23,543
Bye-bye.

416
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:27,780
Um, did I tell you
that I love you, Mommy?

417
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:30,883
Yes, but I never tire
of hearing it.

418
00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:34,221
Oh, well, in that case, uh,
I love you, Mommy.

419
00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:42,495
I really should have stopped
drinking during pregnancy.

420
00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:47,667
* Men. *

421
00:17:58,511 --> 00:17:59,546
Hello?

422
00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:01,648
Hello.

423
00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:08,688
Hey, Alan?

424
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:10,423
Yeah?

425
00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:11,858
I couldn't help noticing

426
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,361
there's a photographer
in the living room.

427
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:15,762
Oh. Yeah, we're, uh...

428
00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:17,464
we're taking
a family picture.

429
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:20,400
Family picture?

430
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,269
Would it be rude of me
to point out

431
00:18:22,335 --> 00:18:24,937
the obvious flaw in your plan?

432
00:18:25,004 --> 00:18:26,773
I didn't think
you'd be interested.

433
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:28,675
I'm not.

434
00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:32,679
So, it's just you and Little
Lord Scratch 'n' Sniff?

435
00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:34,414
Hey, if you don't
sniff it,

436
00:18:34,481 --> 00:18:36,649
you don't know
what it is.

437
00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:42,989
Actually, it's a picture
of me, Jake and Mom.

438
00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:45,692
Mom?!

439
00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:46,593
Mom who?

440
00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:51,231
She said she didn't have
any good pictures of us.

441
00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:53,300
Wait a minute.
When did you talk to Mom?

442
00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:55,335
I...

443
00:18:55,402 --> 00:18:57,237
She called me.

444
00:18:57,304 --> 00:19:00,440
You've been sucking up to her
behind my back, haven't you?

445
00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:06,513
Charlie, you have no idea
how insane that sounds.

446
00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:08,981
All I know is after everything
that's happened,

447
00:19:09,048 --> 00:19:11,718
I would never talk to her
without talking to you first.

448
00:19:11,784 --> 00:19:13,420
You wouldn't?

449
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:14,954
What kind of person
do you take me for?

450
00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:16,789
I'd rather cut off my arm

451
00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:20,727
than pick up the phone and try
to undermine my own brother.

452
00:19:20,793 --> 00:19:22,629
Me, too.

453
00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:24,664
That's why I'm...

454
00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:27,033
taking a bullet here
for the both of us.

455
00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:28,435
Oh.

456
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,270
Well, thanks.

457
00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:32,672
You don't have to thank me...

458
00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:34,006
I'm your brother.

459
00:19:34,073 --> 00:19:35,542
(doorbell rings)

460
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:37,577
Ooh, Mommy's here.

461
00:19:38,745 --> 00:19:40,046
Might as well
get this over with.

462
00:19:41,448 --> 00:19:43,483
Wait a sec, hang on.

463
00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:45,285
Let me go change.

464
00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:46,953
You actually want to be
in the picture?

465
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:48,655
No, no, no,
are you kidding?

466
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:51,958
It's not fair for you
to have to do it alone.

467
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:55,395
Oh... well, thanks.

468
00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:56,963
You don't have to thank me.

469
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,565
I'm your brother.

470
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:03,570
Hi, Mom.
Hello, dear.

471
00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:04,871
Hey, Mom, how are you?
Good to see you.

472
00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:05,872
Hi, Charlie.

473
00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:09,075
Oh, what a marvelous house.

474
00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:10,843
PHILIP:
It's adorable.

475
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,345
Mom?

476
00:20:12,412 --> 00:20:14,547
You said you wanted
a family portrait.

477
00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:15,548
They're family.

478
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:20,019
Okay, well,
I'm going back to bed.

479
00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:21,888
Wait, Charlie,
what about the picture?

480
00:20:21,954 --> 00:20:24,591
Put me down for a wallet size.

481
00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:26,893
I just love what
you're wearing.

482
00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:37,203
(playing classical music)

483
00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:47,046
("Smoke on the Water" plays)

484
00:20:52,819 --> 00:20:54,387
Like that?

485
00:20:54,454 --> 00:20:57,557
Yeah, but what was all that crap
in the beginning?

486
00:20:57,624 --> 00:21:00,226
It was an introduction
of my own composition.

487
00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:02,429
Well, no offense,
but "Smoke on the Water"

488
00:21:02,495 --> 00:21:05,197
doesn't begin with crap
on the water.

489
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:07,400
My apologies.

490
00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:08,801
Okay, let's take it
from the top.

491
00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:11,538
One, two, three, four.

492
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:14,774
(playing "Smoke on the Water")

493
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:22,248
The playdate
was a good idea.

494
00:21:22,315 --> 00:21:25,452
Yeah, let's see how
Grandma likes her prodigy

495
00:21:25,518 --> 00:21:29,689
after he sponges up
our sponge.

496
00:21:29,756 --> 00:22:05,958
("Smoke on the Water" continues)