1 00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:07,741 Morning, Charlie. 2 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,079 Charlie. 3 00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:21,089 Good, I don't have to give him mouth-to-mouth. 4 00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:21,822 Morning. 5 00:00:21,889 --> 00:00:22,856 Morning. 6 00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:24,158 He sleeping? 7 00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:25,693 Sure, let's call it sleep. 8 00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:31,199 Uncle Charlie, I'm gonna have a bowl of Maple Loops. 9 00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:32,833 You want one? 10 00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:45,346 You sure he's okay? 11 00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:47,615 I never said he was okay. 12 00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:57,158 Freaky. 13 00:00:57,225 --> 00:01:00,161 You really shouldn't see him like this, Jake. 14 00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:09,570 There. Now you can enjoy your breakfast. 15 00:01:09,637 --> 00:01:11,305 What's wrong with him? 16 00:01:11,372 --> 00:01:13,674 Oh, he's getting old, kiddo. 17 00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:16,444 I wish you could've seen him in his prime. 18 00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:17,845 He was like Babe Ruth. 19 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,413 He played baseball? 20 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:23,251 No, he was a drunken whore-monger. 21 00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:25,219 But there was none better. 22 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,157 Oh, God, look what the cat dragged in. 23 00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:31,859 He didn't just drag it, he ate it, pooped it out 24 00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:33,827 and then covered it with sand. 25 00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:36,330 You know what'd be funny? 26 00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:38,232 To paint a big mustache on him. 27 00:01:38,299 --> 00:01:39,600 (chuckles) 28 00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:41,235 That would be hilarious... 29 00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:42,803 but no. 30 00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:45,206 Charlie? 31 00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:47,908 Charlie? 32 00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:49,877 Yeah? 33 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,845 You okay? 34 00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:53,814 Yeah. 35 00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:56,184 What time did you get home? 36 00:01:56,250 --> 00:02:00,788 I'm home? 37 00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:03,524 You are. 38 00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:06,460 Oh, God, I'm blind. 39 00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:14,668 It's a miracle. 40 00:02:14,735 --> 00:02:17,638 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 41 00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:21,209 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 42 00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:23,944 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 43 00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:25,846 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 44 00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:28,649 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 45 00:02:28,716 --> 00:02:32,653 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 46 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,956 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 47 00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:45,499 Good night, Berta. 48 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:47,668 Hey. 49 00:02:52,273 --> 00:02:54,542 Look who's finally up. 50 00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:55,743 How'd you sleep? 51 00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:59,213 Okay, I guess. 52 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,382 Good, I'm glad. 53 00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,354 Oh, Tater Tots. 54 00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:07,788 Help yourself. 55 00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:11,592 Jake, I said no. 56 00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:12,793 I didn't do it. 57 00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,528 He didn't. 58 00:03:19,667 --> 00:03:21,869 (coughing) 59 00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:23,671 (clears throat) 60 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:38,652 What are you staring at? 61 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:41,355 Nothing, señor. 62 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,493 So, uh, how are you feeling? 63 00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:46,794 Depends. 64 00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:48,529 What day is it? 65 00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,698 Saturday. 66 00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:51,765 Oh. 67 00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,734 Well, in that case I feel great. 68 00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:55,336 Why "in that case"? 69 00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:58,406 If it was Thursday, I'd be a little worried. 70 00:03:58,472 --> 00:03:59,773 I don't know, Charlie, 71 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:00,674 you've been pushing it pretty hard lately. 72 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:01,775 What do you mean? 73 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:03,311 I mean you're not a kid anymore. 74 00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:04,712 Oh, please. 75 00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,347 I'm in the best shape of my life. 76 00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:09,750 (coughing) 77 00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:11,552 (phlegmatic coughing) 78 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,723 Now, that doesn't belong inside of me. 79 00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:19,460 It takes a lot to gross me out, but wow. 80 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,330 Hey, get your stuff together. 81 00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:23,331 I'm going to bring you back to your mom's. 82 00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:24,765 Let me tell you something, Alan. 83 00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:27,368 You're only as young as the women you feel. 84 00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:32,540 And lately, I've been feeling about 24. 85 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:33,874 Twenty-four? 86 00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:35,809 Yep, and she doesn't think I'm old. 87 00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:37,478 She thinks I'm cute and fun. 88 00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:38,512 And rich. 89 00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:39,547 Yeah, the rich helps. 90 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,248 I'm not that cute. 91 00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:42,750 Okay, fine. 92 00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:45,753 I understand the allure, the nectar of the young berry. 93 00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:49,222 But I also know what happens 94 00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:50,324 when you burn a candle at both ends. 95 00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:51,925 How would you know that? 96 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:54,862 Did you take a candle-making class at the Learning Annex? 97 00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:57,865 Hey, I have done my share of walking on the wild side. 98 00:04:57,931 --> 00:04:59,633 The wild side? 99 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,703 Okay, the rambunctious side. 100 00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:04,838 My point is there comes a time in a man's life 101 00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:06,707 when he has to start accepting his limitations. 102 00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:10,611 Yeah, well, my point is the day you start accepting limitations 103 00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:12,380 is the day you start dying. 104 00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:15,248 And I'm not dying, my friend; 105 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,485 I am living life to the fullest. 106 00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:20,821 Now, if you'll excuse me, 107 00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:22,856 I'm gonna go throw up and take a nap. 108 00:05:25,593 --> 00:05:27,628 * Men... 109 00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:30,564 That was fun! 110 00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:33,333 Yeah. 111 00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:34,968 How long until you're ready to go again? 112 00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:37,405 You mean tonight? 113 00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:38,906 Oh, yeah, I forgot. 114 00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,608 You're old. 115 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,976 Hey, hey, hey, I'm not old. 116 00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,913 I'm just not a... yogurt dispenser. 117 00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:47,981 You're almost as old as my dad. 118 00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:50,784 All right, listen, if you're looking to go again, 119 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,853 that's not the way to get there. 120 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,689 Aw, did I hurt your feelings? 121 00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:57,290 No, no, you didn't hurt my feelings. 122 00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:58,726 It's just, you know, there are certain 123 00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:00,894 biological factors you have to take into account... 124 00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:03,063 Yeah, my dad takes Viagra. 125 00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:07,367 Good for him. 126 00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:08,769 All I'm saying is 127 00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:10,303 we could do something else for a while 128 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,672 and then come back to this. 129 00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:12,840 Great, let's go to a club. 130 00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:14,041 Now? 131 00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:15,609 It's 11:00. 132 00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:17,711 So we'll get there early. 133 00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:20,814 Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of 134 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:24,818 making some toaster pizzas and watching The Daily Show. 135 00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,820 Oh. 136 00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:27,755 What? 137 00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:29,990 I'm bored. 138 00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:33,794 If we're not gonna have sex, I want to go out. 139 00:06:33,861 --> 00:06:36,530 Okay, tell you what, why don't you go out 140 00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:39,700 and, you know, boogie-oogie-oogie, 141 00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:42,570 and when you come back, wake me up and we'll have sex. 142 00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,972 That's a lame idea, Charlie. 143 00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:47,675 Okay, you can skip the waking me up part. 144 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,677 I'm just gonna go call some friends. 145 00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:50,578 No, no, wait, wait. 146 00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:51,745 Come here, come here. 147 00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:53,714 I think I'm ready to go again. 148 00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:55,583 Really? Really. 149 00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:05,125 I got nothing-- let's go dancing. 150 00:07:05,993 --> 00:07:07,861 * Men... 151 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,964 Yeah, I'm coming with the guy I told you about, the old guy. 152 00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:14,502 I don't know. 153 00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:17,505 I think he's got a little brother who's old, too. 154 00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:18,639 I'll ask him. 155 00:07:18,706 --> 00:07:20,508 Great, we'll see you there. 156 00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:22,442 Hey, do you think your brother would want to come with us? 157 00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:23,376 Alan? 158 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,878 No, he's not the type. 159 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,114 He'd be miserable going to a dance club at this hour. 160 00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:28,381 Wait here, I'll go get him. 161 00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:32,019 (laughing) 162 00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:35,022 Hey. Oh, you just missed it. 163 00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:38,526 Jon Stewart made a very clever joke about the budget deficit. 164 00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:39,827 Swell. 165 00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,662 Get dressed, we're going dancing. 166 00:07:41,729 --> 00:07:42,763 Yeah, right. 167 00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:44,064 Toaster pizza? 168 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:46,066 No, come on, let's go. 169 00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:48,401 You're serious? Yes. 170 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,739 But it's after 11:00, and I'm all tucked in. 171 00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:52,840 Too bad. 172 00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:55,543 I'm drinking nighty-night tea. 173 00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:57,811 Come on, Robin wants to go dancing, 174 00:07:57,878 --> 00:07:59,647 and I'm gonna need a designated driver. 175 00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,749 Hey, just 'cause you're making a fool of yourself 176 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,517 trying to keep up with a 24-year-old girl, 177 00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:04,818 doesn't mean I have to join you. 178 00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:06,787 She has a 24-year-old girlfriend. 179 00:08:06,854 --> 00:08:08,756 Is it dressy-dressy or dressy-casual? 180 00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:13,827 * Men... 181 00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:15,796 Just take it. 182 00:08:15,863 --> 00:08:17,497 Maybe it'll loosen you up. 183 00:08:17,565 --> 00:08:19,867 I don't think so. 184 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,702 Recent studies indicate that ecstasy 185 00:08:21,769 --> 00:08:23,436 may well deplete your spinal fluid. 186 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,739 Yeah, so? 187 00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:26,840 So? 188 00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:28,041 Young lady, I am a chiropractor. 189 00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:30,811 Whoo. 190 00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:32,580 You know what, 191 00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:34,548 my date isn't working out. 192 00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:36,049 Well, maybe you'd get somewhere 193 00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:38,018 if you stopped talking to her like you're her father. 194 00:08:38,085 --> 00:08:39,953 Well, somebody has to, because her real father 195 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,188 has obviously dropped the ball. 196 00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:45,559 Oh, wonderful, a smoker. 197 00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:47,628 So I guess you're counting on stem cell research 198 00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:49,930 to replace your spine and lungs. 199 00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:55,035 Alan, Alan, you're embarrassing me. 200 00:08:55,102 --> 00:08:57,204 I'm embarrassing you? Look at yourself. 201 00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:59,172 You're standing in line in a dank alley 202 00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:01,174 in the middle of the Urine District. 203 00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:03,844 Hey, this is the hippest club in town. 204 00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:06,880 Oh, hip, schmip-- it's a toilet with a doorman. 205 00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:11,151 Somebody lit a doobie. 206 00:09:12,319 --> 00:09:13,854 Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, 207 00:09:13,921 --> 00:09:15,255 that is definitely the ganja. 208 00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:18,859 Great, now we're all gonna get busted. 209 00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:21,929 Will you just relax and let yourself have some fun? 210 00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:23,831 Oh, this is fun for you? 211 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,733 Exhaust fumes and reefer smoke? 212 00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:26,767 Let me tell you something, Charlie. 213 00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:27,868 I'm not a kid anymore. 214 00:09:27,935 --> 00:09:29,102 I need plenty of rest, exercise 215 00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:31,138 and a high-fiber diet, and... 216 00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:33,641 Oh, perfect, I just stepped on a condom. 217 00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:35,042 (techno music blasting) 218 00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:37,711 Go ahead, have a good time. 219 00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:38,812 Hold it. 220 00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:40,280 We're with them. 221 00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:41,815 I don't think so. 222 00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:43,851 No, no, we are. Although truth be told, 223 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:45,886 I don't see a long-term relationship in the offing. 224 00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,087 You understand. 225 00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:48,956 Don't touch the rope. 226 00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:50,691 Sorry. 227 00:09:50,758 --> 00:09:53,560 I didn't realize you were king of the rope. 228 00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:55,863 (softly): Shut up, Alan. 229 00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,197 Look, if you're not on the list, 230 00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,265 you're not getting in. 231 00:09:58,331 --> 00:09:59,633 You let the girls in. 232 00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,702 Alan. He let the girls in. 233 00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:04,604 That's because pretty girls dress up the place. 234 00:10:04,672 --> 00:10:05,806 Watch how this works. 235 00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:08,642 Listen... 236 00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:11,812 why don't you check your list for Jackson. 237 00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:14,715 Andrew Jackson. 238 00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:17,250 Nope. 239 00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:19,887 Got Tito and LaToya. 240 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,990 Okay. 241 00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:27,828 What if I change my name to... 242 00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:29,697 Ulysses S. Grant? 243 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:33,100 You can change your name to Condoleezza Rice. 244 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,202 If you're not on the list and you're not a celebrity, 245 00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:37,738 you're not getting in. 246 00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:39,139 All right, look, 247 00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:40,808 I didn't want to have to play this card, 248 00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:41,842 but I'm Charlie Harper. 249 00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:42,843 I'm in the music business. 250 00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:46,179 I wrote the Maple Loops jingle. 251 00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:49,717 Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets? 252 00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:51,151 Oh, I love those cookies. 253 00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:51,952 Great. 254 00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:52,986 You got any on you? 255 00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:55,322 No. Beat it. 256 00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:58,591 Charlie, let me handle this. 257 00:10:58,658 --> 00:10:59,893 Sir... 258 00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:05,098 I am Matthew Broderick. 259 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,734 Who? 260 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,869 Bruno, they're with me. 261 00:11:08,936 --> 00:11:10,270 Are you sure? 262 00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:12,272 This is a good chance to cut 'em loose. 263 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:13,841 Guys, come on. 264 00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:21,614 Matthew Broderick is a gifted actor 265 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,817 and the toast of Broadway. 266 00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:34,762 Oh, for God's sake, will you stop complaining? 267 00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:36,429 Well, I'm sorry, but the music in that club 268 00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:38,298 was so loud, my ears are still ringing. 269 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:41,301 * Ah... 270 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,136 You know what that sound is? 271 00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,705 That is the sound of the little hairs in my middle ear dying. 272 00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:48,776 * Ah... 273 00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:51,344 I am talking permanent hearing loss, Charlie. 274 00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:52,813 Those little hairs don't grow back. 275 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,681 * Ah... 276 00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:56,784 Oh, wait, let's see something. 277 00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:00,053 * Ah... 278 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,056 (playing notes) 279 00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:06,526 * Ah.... C-Sharp... 280 00:12:06,593 --> 00:12:10,397 * C-Sharp is the sound of encroaching deafness. * 281 00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:12,699 Listen to you; you're like an old man. 282 00:12:12,766 --> 00:12:14,567 I can't listen to me. 283 00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:15,803 All I hear is... * Ah... 284 00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:20,808 Worst night of my life. 285 00:12:20,874 --> 00:12:22,810 You're just ticked off because you couldn't keep up. 286 00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:24,377 I couldn't keep up? 287 00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:26,479 I was out on the dance floor with the girls 288 00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:27,747 while you were sleeping in the booth. 289 00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:30,217 I wasn't sleeping. 290 00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:32,119 I was closing my eyes, 291 00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:34,621 because I couldn't bear to watch you do this. 292 00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:40,127 I was voguing. 293 00:12:42,796 --> 00:12:44,664 You were napping. 294 00:12:44,731 --> 00:12:46,699 Nobody vogues anymore, Alan. 295 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,401 And guess what? 296 00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:51,104 Nobody does the robot anymore, either. 297 00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:53,140 Oh, yeah? 298 00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:54,875 Then why did it catch on with the other dancers? 299 00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:56,643 It didn't catch on. 300 00:12:56,709 --> 00:12:58,645 They were openly mocking you. 301 00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:00,680 What do you want from me? 302 00:13:00,747 --> 00:13:02,782 I went out to the club, I went to the after-hours club, 303 00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:04,351 I went out to breakfast, 304 00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:05,785 I held my date's hair 305 00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:08,521 while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot. 306 00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:11,524 Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, 307 00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:13,626 you'd be having sex with her right now. 308 00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:17,597 Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes? 309 00:13:19,699 --> 00:13:21,634 And I have to go to work. 310 00:13:21,701 --> 00:13:22,769 You know what? 311 00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:24,804 You are a fuddy-duddy. 312 00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:26,806 I'm... I'm a fuddy-duddy? 313 00:13:26,874 --> 00:13:29,576 Hey, if the orthopedic shoe fits, wear it. 314 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,711 They are not orthopedic. 315 00:13:31,778 --> 00:13:35,415 They merely have a reinforced arch for the active lifestyle. 316 00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,718 And you were napping. 317 00:13:38,785 --> 00:13:40,787 Okay, maybe I needed a little shut-eye. 318 00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:44,424 But that's only because I had vigorous sex earlier. 319 00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:45,859 Oh, let's face it. 320 00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:47,928 We're both too old for the MTV lifestyle. 321 00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:49,696 MTV? 322 00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:51,331 Did they just defrost you? 323 00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:56,836 Okay... MTV, VH-1, whatever the kids are watching. 324 00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:58,738 My point is, 325 00:13:58,805 --> 00:14:00,673 I am comfortable acting my age, 326 00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:02,209 while you are in deep denial. 327 00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:05,445 Hey, hey, I am not in denial about anything. 328 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,680 I am a young, vibrant man in the prime of my life. 329 00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:08,815 I-- (coughs) 330 00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:14,421 (spits) 331 00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:17,324 What? 332 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,692 Young people have phlegm, too. 333 00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:21,528 Sure. 334 00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:22,829 Anyway... 335 00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:24,898 as I was... 336 00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:27,834 Oh, God. 337 00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:29,669 What's the matter? 338 00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:31,905 My chest. 339 00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:33,773 Are you okay? 340 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:36,243 I don't know... 341 00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:37,244 Hey, Alan... 342 00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:38,711 Yeah? 343 00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:42,749 Do you think it's too late to start jogging? 344 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,754 ALAN: Damn it, what kind of hospital is this?! 345 00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:49,422 Where the hell are the doctors? 346 00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:50,557 That's my brother in there! 347 00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:52,325 If he dies, I'm homeless! 348 00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:00,267 Uh, everything's fine. 349 00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,902 They're just going to run some tests. 350 00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:04,471 Not to worry. 351 00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:06,473 Easy for you to say. 352 00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:09,442 Listen, Alan, if I don't make it, 353 00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:11,644 you need to know about my will. 354 00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:13,580 Hey, I don't want to hear that kind of talk. 355 00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:14,747 You're going to make it. 356 00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:19,652 But go on, finish what you were saying. 357 00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:21,989 First of all, 358 00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:24,457 I left the house to you and Jake. 359 00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,026 Yes! 360 00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:30,397 You're going to make it. 361 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,935 Just so you know, there's two mortgages on it 362 00:15:36,003 --> 00:15:38,838 and the property taxes are $50,000 a year. 363 00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:41,874 Really? $50,000? 364 00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:45,812 (whistles) 365 00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:47,514 Uh, excuse me. 366 00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,352 Do you got to flat line 367 00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:53,786 to get a little help around here?! 368 00:15:53,853 --> 00:15:56,990 Do you got to move 369 00:15:57,057 --> 00:16:00,293 to Canada to get some decent medical care?! 370 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,695 Uh, they'll be right here. 371 00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:06,533 So, uh... 50 grand, huh? 372 00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:08,435 Boy, I don't know... 373 00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,637 how I could afford that. 374 00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:12,872 You know, unless I came into some money, you know. 375 00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:15,675 An inheritance or something. 376 00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:16,809 There's no money, Alan. 377 00:16:16,876 --> 00:16:18,711 None? 378 00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:20,713 The whole thing's a house of cards. 379 00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:24,417 Huh. 380 00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:32,092 Okay, I did not want to have to do this. 381 00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:34,027 But I am Matthew Broderick. 382 00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:37,697 And that is my brother lying there. 383 00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:39,732 MAN: I'm so sorry, Mr. Broderick. 384 00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:41,801 I loved you in The Producers. 385 00:16:41,868 --> 00:16:42,969 Thank you. 386 00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:47,640 Okay, let's have a look-see, huh? 387 00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:49,042 According to your tests, 388 00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:51,010 you just had an acute attack of indigestion. 389 00:16:51,078 --> 00:16:53,346 (sighs) 390 00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:54,981 It was gas? 391 00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:58,051 Yes, a big bubble, about the size of a pomegranate. 392 00:16:58,118 --> 00:17:00,587 What have you had to eat recently? 393 00:17:00,653 --> 00:17:02,021 Nothing much. 394 00:17:02,089 --> 00:17:04,957 He had Belgian waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls, 395 00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,726 a quart of scotch 396 00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:08,128 and the tongue of a 24-year-old actress. 397 00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:10,063 He asked what I ate, Alan. 398 00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:11,998 And I told him, Charlie. 399 00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:15,902 Oh-ho, you're a dirty bird. 400 00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:19,072 Well, the good news is that you 401 00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:21,040 are a perfectly healthy 50-year-old man. 402 00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:22,842 I'm only 40. 403 00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:24,977 Tell that to your liver. 404 00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:28,515 I recommend you slow down a bit. 405 00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:29,882 I've been saying the same thing. 406 00:17:29,949 --> 00:17:31,584 And you... 407 00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:34,554 Why no sequel to Ferris Bueller, huh? 408 00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:36,723 I wait and I wait. 409 00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:38,791 I'm sorry; I'll get on it. 410 00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:40,960 Ah. Give the people what they want. 411 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:47,834 So, gas. 412 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,402 (laughs) 413 00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:50,970 Good news, huh? 414 00:17:51,037 --> 00:17:54,040 A little embarrassing, but yeah. 415 00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:55,775 What do you have to be embarrassed about? 416 00:17:55,842 --> 00:17:59,679 Oh, I don't know-- the paramedics, the ambulance, 417 00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:02,915 the crying and the last-minute negotiations with God. 418 00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:04,651 Oh, right. 419 00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:06,686 Are you still planning on teaching piano to orphans? 420 00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:09,456 If any show up, sure. 421 00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:11,858 Well, will you at least accept the fact 422 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:13,025 that you have to slow down? 423 00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:16,829 Yeah, yeah. 424 00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:20,099 It's weird, Alan. 425 00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:24,637 It seems like just yesterday I could... I could party all night 426 00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:27,707 and eat and drink anything I wanted to. 427 00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,709 Now a couple of Red Bulls and a waffle, 428 00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,179 and I'm sitting in the emergency room praying for a fart. 429 00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:40,086 Now you know why I ordered tomato juice and cottage cheese. 430 00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:43,156 I got to admit, you do take good care of yourself. 431 00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:44,724 I try. 432 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:47,026 I guess that's why I keep you around. 433 00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:49,095 Because I'm a good example? 434 00:18:49,162 --> 00:18:51,598 No, you clod, spare parts. 435 00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:54,701 * Men... 436 00:18:56,102 --> 00:18:57,870 What are we watching? 437 00:18:57,937 --> 00:19:00,840 Antiques Roadshow. 438 00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:02,209 This woman thinks she has 439 00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:03,876 Martha Washington's butter churn. 440 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,114 Toaster pizza? 441 00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:10,683 Thank you. 442 00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:11,884 So, you going out tonight? 443 00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:13,720 Eh, what's the point? 444 00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:16,723 Look, Charlie, I'm glad you're slowing down a bit, 445 00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:19,692 but you haven't been out of the house in a week. 446 00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:22,028 Eh, it's too depressing. 447 00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:24,764 Wherever I go, I'm the oldest guy in the room. 448 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,966 Even here. 449 00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:33,940 Hey, what would you think about getting a cat? 450 00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:37,577 Okay, that's it. 451 00:19:37,644 --> 00:19:39,579 Put some clothes on. We're going out. 452 00:19:39,646 --> 00:19:40,880 It's 9:00. 453 00:19:40,947 --> 00:19:42,815 I was going to make some kettle corn. 454 00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:45,218 Forget the corn; you're coming with me. 455 00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:46,686 Where are we going? 456 00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:48,655 You'll see. 457 00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,790 Can you drive? 458 00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:52,859 I don't like to drive at night. 459 00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:57,830 What the hell is this place? 460 00:19:57,897 --> 00:19:58,698 The fountain of youth. 461 00:19:58,765 --> 00:19:59,766 What? 462 00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:00,867 Follow me. 463 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:09,776 Ooh, look, young stuff. 464 00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:14,013 Alan, you're a genius. 465 00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,058 Sure. 466 00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:27,360 How old are you? 467 00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:28,528 I just turned 40. 468 00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:32,399 Oh, you're a baby. 469 00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:36,903 Yeah. 470 00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:39,105 Hey, I have a little riddle for you. 471 00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:40,239 All right. 472 00:20:40,307 --> 00:20:44,344 What has multiple orgasms and hums? 473 00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:46,313 I give up. 474 00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:51,884 (humming) 475 00:20:54,387 --> 00:20:56,222 Come on, I'll show you. 476 00:20:58,591 --> 00:20:59,859 Alan... 477 00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:01,328 Alan, I'm leaving. 478 00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:05,332 And may God bless you.