1 00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:03,871 Hey. 2 00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:04,872 Oh, hey. 3 00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:05,773 You're back early. 4 00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:06,840 How was your date? 5 00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:10,178 I hate electric cars. 6 00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:13,447 I don't like scented candles. 7 00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:17,618 Once again, how was your date? 8 00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:19,653 It was fine until her estranged husband 9 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:23,257 silently pulled into the driveway in his freakin' Prius. 10 00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:27,628 If he hadn't stepped on the cat, I'd be dead now. 11 00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:30,964 What are you doing? 12 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,100 Me? 13 00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:33,834 Uh, nothing. Just, uh... 14 00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:35,203 nothing. 15 00:00:37,105 --> 00:00:38,872 You were surfing for porn, weren't you? 16 00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:41,709 Uh... yes. 17 00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:43,777 Okay, that's, that's what I was doing. 18 00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:44,978 You caught me. 19 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,714 I'm so embarrassed. 20 00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:51,785 Well, you should be; it's disgusting. 21 00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:56,924 Come on, let's see what puts a chubby in your chinos. 22 00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:58,492 No, no, it's personal. 23 00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,828 Ooh, what are you into, grannies with trannies? 24 00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:03,464 Chickens with strap-ons? 25 00:01:03,531 --> 00:01:05,599 Please, please don't, Charlie. Pl... 26 00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:13,107 Oh, you pitiful freak! 27 00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:14,242 What is wrong with you? 28 00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:17,211 Nothing, I came upon it by accident. 29 00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:19,747 I am so ashamed. 30 00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:22,283 My own brother using an... 31 00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:25,085 Internet dating service. 32 00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:27,621 I'm a man, Charlie. I have needs. 33 00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:31,625 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 34 00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:34,828 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 35 00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,570 Okay, name three contributions 36 00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,905 that the Roman Empire made to civilization. 37 00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:46,907 Um... Roman numerals. 38 00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:47,975 Good. 39 00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:49,443 Aqueducts... 40 00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:50,611 Terrific. 41 00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:52,413 Do you know what an aqueduct is? 42 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,448 Uh, something to do with water. 43 00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:55,516 And...? 44 00:01:55,583 --> 00:01:57,485 A duck? 45 00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,053 Morning. 46 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,088 Morning. 47 00:02:01,155 --> 00:02:02,156 Morning, Charlie. 48 00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:04,158 Morning, Rose. 49 00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:06,126 (half-whispers): What's going on? 50 00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:10,130 She's helping Yertle the Turtle study for his test. 51 00:02:11,199 --> 00:02:12,933 Why didn't he ask me? 52 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:14,302 Name three contributions 53 00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:17,037 the Roman Empire made to civilization. 54 00:02:17,104 --> 00:02:19,840 Orgies, wine and bulimia. 55 00:02:21,041 --> 00:02:24,345 Go ahead, ask me about the Greeks. 56 00:02:24,412 --> 00:02:27,047 Then who did invent aromatherapy? 57 00:02:27,114 --> 00:02:28,849 Not the Romans. 58 00:02:28,916 --> 00:02:30,251 But you see my logic. 59 00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:33,687 You know, I never did understand 60 00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:36,056 why you didn't give her more of a chance. 61 00:02:36,123 --> 00:02:37,691 She's pretty, smart, 62 00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:41,695 and amazingly patient with dumb guys. 63 00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:44,265 Are you talking about Jake or me? 64 00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:47,335 A smart guy wouldn't have to ask that question. 65 00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:50,103 Excuse me, but let's not forget 66 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,639 this is a woman who stalked me, 67 00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,242 who spied on me, who snuck into my house 68 00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:57,177 to write her name and address in my underwear. 69 00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:58,812 Oh, boo-hoo. 70 00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:01,515 Somebody cares about Charlie. 71 00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:03,751 Nobody ever wrote their name in my underwear. 72 00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:08,256 Wait, once. The Department of Corrections. 73 00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:10,824 Morning. 74 00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:11,892 Hey. Morning. 75 00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:13,227 Hey, guys. 76 00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:14,462 How's the homework coming? 77 00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:17,130 The three major buildings in ancient Rome 78 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:20,834 were the Coliseum, the Forum and... 79 00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:21,902 Circus... 80 00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:23,437 Circus Circus. 81 00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:26,474 We need a little more time. 82 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:27,441 Carry on. 83 00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:30,478 I know it's not Caesar's Palace. 84 00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:33,080 Why don't you get him a real tutor? 85 00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:34,515 Are you kidding? 86 00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:37,117 She has advanced degrees in, like, three subjects, 87 00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:38,352 she loves him, he worships her, 88 00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:40,153 and the only thing she asks in return 89 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:43,190 is to sit naked in your laundry hamper every once in a while. 90 00:03:43,257 --> 00:03:45,426 And that's not a red flag for you? 91 00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:47,361 You could do a lot worse than Rose, Charlie. 92 00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:49,497 I have done a lot worse. 93 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,932 But that's not really a recommendation now, is it? 94 00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:56,103 The second triumvirate was Augustus, Mark Antony and... 95 00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:57,271 Lepidus. 96 00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:58,606 Very good. 97 00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:02,343 Okay, well, that's it for today. 98 00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:03,577 Wait a minute. 99 00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:05,513 Oh, right. 100 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,315 Open up. 101 00:04:11,218 --> 00:04:13,821 Mmm, cookie. 102 00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:16,189 Hey, Charlie, you got a minute? 103 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,292 I'd like to talk to you privately. 104 00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:20,561 Now's not a good time, Rose. 105 00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:22,095 Will you call me later? 106 00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:23,263 Sure. 107 00:04:23,331 --> 00:04:24,031 Promise? 108 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,299 Yeah. 109 00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:26,567 Cross your heart and hope to die? 110 00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:28,035 (sighs) 111 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,102 Yes. 112 00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:31,204 Stick a needle in your eye? 113 00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:32,906 Okay. 114 00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:34,274 Boil in oil until you fry? 115 00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:36,777 Dear God, Rose, I will call you. 116 00:04:36,844 --> 00:04:39,046 Toodles. 117 00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:43,917 You're not going to call her, are you? 118 00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:48,188 No, I think I'm going to go with the needle in the eye. 119 00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:50,391 * Men. 120 00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:55,729 (clippers buzzing) 121 00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:10,444 Funny, you didn't mention in your dating profile 122 00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:12,513 you've got hair growing out of all your holes. 123 00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:14,715 Hey, what are you doing to my laptop? 124 00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:18,952 Just learning a little about you, Spinemaster278. 125 00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:21,789 I see you like smooth jazz, 126 00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:23,691 long walks on the beach and cuddling. 127 00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:25,559 Give me that. Now hold on. Hold on. 128 00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:27,160 This is my favorite part. 129 00:05:27,227 --> 00:05:28,929 "I love to spend quiet weekends 130 00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:32,533 puttering around my Malibu beach house." 131 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:33,967 Educate me, Alan. 132 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:36,404 To what Malibu beach house are you referring? 133 00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:38,406 Okay, okay, I was going to tell you about that. 134 00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,273 Do you have one that I don't know about? 135 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,675 No, no. 'Cause if you do, 136 00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:43,811 one of us should be living there. 137 00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:45,145 Are you going to let me explain, or not? 138 00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:46,647 What's to explain? 139 00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:48,782 You have a Malibu beach house and you're the... 140 00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:50,684 "chiropractor to the stars." 141 00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:53,621 Okay, what do you want me to call myself? 142 00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,389 Chiropractor to fat people in the valley? 143 00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:57,290 Everybody exaggerates on these things. 144 00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:58,826 Okay, I can understand that. 145 00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:01,161 You're probably not going to get a lot of responses 146 00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:02,663 to "bushy-nosed cheapskate, 147 00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:04,865 enjoys long walks to a free meal." 148 00:06:04,932 --> 00:06:06,434 Exactly. 149 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:07,768 (doorbell rings) 150 00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:10,103 Hey, you're going out tonight, aren't you? 151 00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:11,304 Why? 152 00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,507 Well, I met a woman on this dating site 153 00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:15,108 and she's here and it would be good if... 154 00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:16,510 you weren't. 155 00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:18,646 You're throwing me out of my own house? 156 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,915 Well, no, if you read the profile, it's my house. 157 00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,352 See? 158 00:06:25,419 --> 00:06:26,286 (doorbell rings) Coming! 159 00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:27,120 Be right there! 160 00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,422 Please play along. 161 00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:29,823 You're going to play along, right? 162 00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:32,460 I guess we'll find out together, won't we? 163 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,201 Alan, hi. 164 00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:44,872 Beverly, it's so great to finally meet you in person. 165 00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:51,311 Hi. 166 00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:53,280 Hello. 167 00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:56,183 Oh, this is Charlie. 168 00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,418 Oh, right, your poor brother. 169 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,655 Hi, Charlie. 170 00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,657 (slowly): How are you? 171 00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:09,362 Mmm, you smell nice. 172 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,632 Okay, okay, come on in. 173 00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:14,101 Oh, my, 174 00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:16,269 what a beautiful home. 175 00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:17,638 Thank you. Thank you. 176 00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:23,010 I encourage him to think of this place as his own. 177 00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:27,781 Yeah, that way, I don't feel like such a worthless parasite. 178 00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:30,951 Charlie, weren't you going out tonight? 179 00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:35,823 Gee, I'd love to, but you know me, flat broke again. 180 00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:40,060 Oh, well, I suppose I could float you a few bucks. 181 00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:41,128 What do you need? 182 00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:43,030 $400. 183 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,799 Okay. Okay. 184 00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:48,368 You know, I'll... I'll just give you everything I have. 185 00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:51,839 Uh... that's 31, 32... $33. 186 00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:54,908 What about the secret compartment? 187 00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:57,945 All right. 188 00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:02,049 That'll be a, uh... 189 00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:04,251 $133. 190 00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:07,220 And I don't expect to see you again tonight. 191 00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:08,889 Thanks, bro. 192 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:12,926 Be nice to him; he's all I've got. 193 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,429 Sorry about that. 194 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:17,698 I understand. 195 00:08:17,765 --> 00:08:20,067 I have a sister who's a crack whore. 196 00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:22,302 Really? 197 00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:23,737 Maybe we can introduce them. 198 00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:27,507 For $133, we can introduce them twice. 199 00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:29,276 Terrific. 200 00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,047 Well, here we are. 201 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,282 We sure are. 202 00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:37,651 I guess you've noticed 203 00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:39,653 I'm a little taller than five-nine. 204 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,355 Well, yeah, but everybody fudges a little 205 00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:43,691 on those dating profiles. 206 00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:44,558 How tall are you? 207 00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:46,894 Five-thirteen. 208 00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:56,804 Leanne, tell me something, 209 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,907 is it just me or is the crowd in here getting younger? 210 00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:02,943 No, the crowd's the same age it's always been. 211 00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:06,079 You, on the other hand, are not. 212 00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:07,380 I'm not old. 213 00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:08,816 40's the new 30, right? 214 00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,852 Not the way you live, pal. 215 00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:13,921 Yeah, well, guess what? 216 00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:15,856 Not tipping is the new tipping. 217 00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:19,693 I gotta do more drinking at home. 218 00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:23,530 You didn't call. 219 00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:25,232 Did you follow me here? 220 00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:27,768 Please. If you're not home and you're not on a date, 221 00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:28,869 where else would you be? 222 00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:32,105 And, yes, I followed you here. 223 00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:34,374 There's something I need to tell you. 224 00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:35,743 What can I get you? 225 00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:37,277 Grain alcohol, please. 226 00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:39,747 We don't have grain alcohol. 227 00:09:39,813 --> 00:09:41,882 Okay, just a Sprite. 228 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:46,386 What do you want, Rose? 229 00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:48,055 I don't want anything. 230 00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:50,523 I just have some news to share with you. 231 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,192 Is this CNN kind of news, 232 00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:54,227 or something you heard from a friendly blue jay 233 00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:55,528 with a top hat and a cane? 234 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:58,031 If you recall, that was a crow, 235 00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:01,101 and he was wearing a derby and safety goggles. 236 00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:04,571 And I've admitted that was a medication issue. 237 00:10:04,638 --> 00:10:06,974 Fine, whatever. What's the news? 238 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:10,944 Well, my family has business interests in London, 239 00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:13,013 and I'm going to move there and take a job. 240 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,081 Oh, terrific. 241 00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:17,417 So will you be running the chocolate factory? 242 00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:19,152 Did the OompaLoompas drop the ball? 243 00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:22,422 Charlie... The little bastards went union, didn't they? 244 00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:25,325 Oh, I'm going to miss that good-natured cynicism. 245 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,429 You're probably wondering why I decided to leave. 246 00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:30,831 Actually, I was wondering 247 00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:33,300 what possessed them to remake that movie. 248 00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:35,969 Gene Wilder was perfect. 249 00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:39,773 I'm leaving because I'm not getting any younger 250 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,709 and our relationship isn't really progressing 251 00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:42,776 along the path I'd hoped for. 252 00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:47,180 Rose, there is no relationship. 253 00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:48,381 There is no path. 254 00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:50,851 How very Zen of you. 255 00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:57,224 I'll always love you, Charlie. 256 00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:01,594 But this is best for both of us. 257 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,697 Yeah. Right. 258 00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:05,999 Okay, well, have a good trip. 259 00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:08,301 Say hi to the Queen... 260 00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:10,303 of Hearts. 261 00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:11,872 Is your friend leaving? 262 00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:13,707 No, no, she never leaves. 263 00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:17,444 She's probably climbing into the trunk of my car as we speak. 264 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:20,247 Hey, maybe you should follow me home to make sure I'm safe. 265 00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:22,449 I don't think my husband would approve. 266 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:23,951 When did you get married? 267 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:27,154 Shortly after the last time I woke up in your bed 268 00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:29,890 with cab fare taped to my forehead. 269 00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:36,496 I suddenly realized how empty and soulless my life had become. 270 00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:39,499 Thank you for that, by the way. 271 00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:41,769 Happy to help. 272 00:11:46,573 --> 00:11:48,008 How are you doing tonight? 273 00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:50,577 Oh, gee, I'm sorry, sir. 274 00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,112 I don't have daddy issues. 275 00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:06,693 And then a week before we were going to get married, 276 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:09,696 he announces that he's leaving me for the wedding planner. 277 00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:10,831 Ouch! 278 00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:11,832 I was heartsick. 279 00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,033 I really cared for him. 280 00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,201 Well, of course you cared for him. 281 00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:15,668 Why else would you agree to marry him? 282 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,304 No, I mean the wedding planner. 283 00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:23,110 Ouch. Well, we all have one or two heartbreaks in our life. 284 00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:23,676 Eight. 285 00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:24,744 Excuse me? 286 00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:26,780 I've been dumped eight times. 287 00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:29,549 Married, married, gay, parole violation, 288 00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:33,086 gay and married, deported, returned to the priesthood, 289 00:12:33,153 --> 00:12:35,255 and woman in a man's body. 290 00:12:35,322 --> 00:12:39,526 Whoa. And yet you haven't given up. 291 00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:40,861 Of course not. 292 00:12:40,928 --> 00:12:42,095 I may have to kiss a lot of frogs, 293 00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:44,965 but eventually I'll find my prince. 294 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,101 Ribbit. 295 00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:50,737 I knew it. You're gay. 296 00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:51,972 No, no. I'm not gay. 297 00:12:52,039 --> 00:12:53,673 Well, whatever it is, 298 00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:55,542 I don't have the time or the strength to deal with it. 299 00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:56,977 Beverly, wait. Wait. 300 00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:59,279 You know my loser brother? 301 00:12:59,346 --> 00:13:01,114 I'm him. 302 00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:02,015 What? 303 00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:04,017 This is Charlie's house. 304 00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:08,521 After my divorce, I was broke, and he took me in. 305 00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:12,792 And I'm not the chiropractor to the stars. 306 00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:15,695 I mostly handle slip-and-fall insurance claims. 307 00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:16,830 That's all? 308 00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:18,365 What do you mean, "That's all?"? 309 00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:21,368 I mean, married, married, gay, parole violation... 310 00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:22,702 Alan, you're a catch. 311 00:13:22,769 --> 00:13:24,104 I am? 312 00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:26,506 Come on. You're single, you're straight, 313 00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:27,941 and you're a genetic male. 314 00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:30,477 So I guess the bar's not that high. 315 00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:33,046 Have you done much online dating? 316 00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:35,883 You cleared it with a penis and a job. 317 00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:38,151 And, just to put your mind at ease, 318 00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:41,021 I plan on keeping both of them. 319 00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:44,557 * Men. 320 00:13:44,624 --> 00:13:46,526 Hey, Berta, you want to to hear something cool? 321 00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:49,396 The ancient Romans had a place called a vomitorium 322 00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,664 where people could eat as much as they wanted, 323 00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:53,133 puke, and then eat some more. 324 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:56,336 Well, just like The Sizzler. 325 00:13:57,637 --> 00:13:58,872 Hey. Morning, buddy. 326 00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:00,473 You suck. 327 00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:05,312 Whoa. Has the little prince not taken his morning poop yet? 328 00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:07,714 It's your fault that Rose is moving away. 329 00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:09,716 Oh, did she tell you that? 330 00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:11,584 Jake, she's not going anywhere. 331 00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:13,653 This is just one of her games to mess with my head. 332 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:14,888 Berta, tell him. 333 00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:20,427 Jake, honey, your Uncle Charlie sucks. 334 00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:21,728 Come on, Berta. 335 00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:23,863 Hey, if you weren't such a self-centered pud, 336 00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,532 you'd realize what an angel she is, 337 00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:26,934 and you'd never let her go. 338 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,002 Okay, first of all, she's not an angel. 339 00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:31,004 Second of all, she's not leaving. 340 00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:33,974 And third, and perhaps most important, "pud"? 341 00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:35,875 I cleaned it up for the kid. 342 00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:38,378 ALAN: * Love is lovelier 343 00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:41,381 * The ninth or tenth time around. * 344 00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:43,616 ALAN: Good morning, everybody. 345 00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,752 What's going on? 346 00:14:45,818 --> 00:14:47,654 Rose is moving to London. 347 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:48,788 She is? Why? 348 00:14:48,855 --> 00:14:50,557 'Cause Uncle Charlie is a pud. 349 00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:53,126 A "pud"? 350 00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:56,196 I cleaned it up for myself. 351 00:14:56,263 --> 00:14:58,398 Hey, Dad, can we go to Sizzler? 352 00:14:59,967 --> 00:15:01,534 * Men. 353 00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,504 This is nice, huh? 354 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:06,073 Yeah. 355 00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:09,242 Listen, can I tell you a little secret? 356 00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:10,243 Sure. 357 00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:12,279 It's kind of embarrassing. 358 00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,181 Hey, you can tell me anything. 359 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:17,985 All right. Well, before I came over tonight, 360 00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:22,789 I... put a toothbrush in my purse. 361 00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:25,058 What's so embarrassing about that? 362 00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:27,027 I don't go anywhere without floss. 363 00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:30,797 In fact, sometimes I'll snap off 18 inches 364 00:15:30,863 --> 00:15:33,533 and tuck it in my pocket in case, you know, I have a stubborn... 365 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,002 Oh! 366 00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:38,205 You mean you and me? Tonight? 367 00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,040 Unless you don't want to. 368 00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:44,211 Want to? I'm almost done. 369 00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:46,946 CHARLIE: You know, Alan, 370 00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:49,049 I've been thinking about it, 371 00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:50,483 and Rose really crossed the line 372 00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,085 when she told Jake that crap about her moving away. 373 00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:53,386 Uh... yeah, listen. 374 00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:54,988 Kids take that stuff seriously, you know? 375 00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:56,089 I know, but... 376 00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:57,524 It's one thing to screw with me. 377 00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,059 It's another thing to screw with a child. 378 00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:00,760 No argument, but don't you think 379 00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:02,695 this is a conversation you should have with her? 380 00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:05,365 You're right. I'm going to settle this right now. 381 00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:10,037 Rose, climb up here! I want to talk to you! 382 00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:13,140 Are you sure you're the loser brother? 383 00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:15,708 That's always been the consensus. 384 00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:16,809 Excuse me. 385 00:16:16,876 --> 00:16:18,811 Come on, Rose, you crazy bitch! 386 00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:20,647 I know you're out there! 387 00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:22,382 Uh, uh, Charlie? 388 00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:23,516 What do you want me to do? 389 00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:25,118 Beg you to stay? 390 00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:27,554 I hate to interrupt, but I'm making some real headway in there, 391 00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:28,821 and you're kind of ruining the mood. 392 00:16:28,888 --> 00:16:30,857 Not now, Alan. 393 00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:32,092 I'm not going to beg you 394 00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:33,793 'cause you're not going anywhere! 395 00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:35,862 I know you're not leaving, and you know you're not leaving! 396 00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:38,731 Charlie, that lovely lady in there brought her toothbrush 397 00:16:38,798 --> 00:16:40,700 'cause I have a penis and a job. 398 00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:41,901 Rose! 399 00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:44,971 How is she going to brush your job? 400 00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:46,773 No, you don't understand. 401 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,142 I don't have time for this, Alan. 402 00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:52,412 Charlie, are you okay? 403 00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:55,648 Yeah. I just can't find my damn stalker. 404 00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,384 He can't find his stalker? 405 00:16:57,450 --> 00:17:00,987 They're usually in the last place you look. 406 00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:02,455 But enough about him. 407 00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:05,292 If you will accompany me to the boudoir, 408 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:07,760 I will convert an ordinary pull-out couch 409 00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:09,962 into a magic carpet for two. 410 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,065 Are you sure you're not gay? 411 00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:13,533 I'm literate and urbane. 412 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,035 You're not the first one to be confused. 413 00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:25,378 Right address. 414 00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:32,619 Oh, Charlie, you came to say good-bye. 415 00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:34,587 Unbelievable. 416 00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:37,690 You're going to play this all the way out to the end. 417 00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:38,991 Play what out? 418 00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:42,129 All right. Fine. We'll do it your way. 419 00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:46,133 Rose, you're a terrific woman, 420 00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:48,935 I'm an idiot for not seeing it, 421 00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:51,471 and I really don't want you to leave. 422 00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:52,739 Really? 423 00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:55,074 Yeah. Here, look. 424 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:00,847 Wow. 425 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:01,748 See? 426 00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:03,216 Oh, yeah. 427 00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:04,284 (horn honks) 428 00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:06,619 Well, that's my cab. 429 00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:09,556 Good-bye. Wait. Wait. What the hell are you doing? 430 00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:11,090 I'm leaving. 431 00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:12,925 Don't you understand? 432 00:18:12,992 --> 00:18:14,093 You can drop the act. 433 00:18:14,161 --> 00:18:15,595 I give up. 434 00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:17,297 I surrender. 435 00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:20,066 You win, Rose. I'm yours. 436 00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:23,336 Oh, Charlie, that's so sweet. 437 00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:25,138 But I know you, and you're just 438 00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:26,806 having a little panic attack 439 00:18:26,873 --> 00:18:28,941 because you're getting old and nobody loves you. 440 00:18:29,008 --> 00:18:31,077 See? You get me. 441 00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:34,581 I do, which is why I have to leave. 442 00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:40,187 Good-bye, Charlie. 443 00:18:40,253 --> 00:18:46,626 Oh, I almost forgot. 444 00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:48,528 I thought you should have this. 445 00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:51,564 It's our first restraining order. 446 00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:55,868 Look how shaky your signature was. 447 00:18:57,937 --> 00:19:00,373 You were so spooked. 448 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,910 (horn honks) 449 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,746 Oop! Got a plane to catch. 450 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:13,653 Oh, come on, Rose! Stop it! 451 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:14,754 (car door closes) 452 00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:19,426 All right, fine. Take your little cab ride. 453 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,761 See you tomorrow. 454 00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:23,430 (car drives away) 455 00:19:45,752 --> 00:19:48,288 Okay. 456 00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:50,323 Maybe not tomorrow. 457 00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:05,204 Aw, damn. 458 00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:17,384 Hey, Charlie. 459 00:20:17,450 --> 00:20:19,486 Oh, hi. Where's Alan? 460 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,454 In the bedroom. I have to get up early for work. 461 00:20:21,521 --> 00:20:23,490 Right. Well, see you. 462 00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:24,624 Bye. 463 00:20:25,358 --> 00:20:28,595 Hey, Beverly? 464 00:20:28,661 --> 00:20:31,431 I'm really glad you and Alan got together. 465 00:20:31,498 --> 00:20:33,966 It's... it's nice. 466 00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:35,735 Thank you. 467 00:20:35,802 --> 00:20:40,940 I hope things work out for you and your... stalker. 468 00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:43,142 Her name is Rose. 469 00:20:43,209 --> 00:20:45,244 Like the flower. 470 00:20:45,312 --> 00:20:46,779 Okey-dokey. 471 00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:51,050 See? It's on our restraining order. 472 00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:53,386 Uh-huh. Good night now. 473 00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,299 Hey, Alan? 474 00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:08,034 I'm not decent. 475 00:21:10,870 --> 00:21:13,139 Rose is really gone. 476 00:21:13,205 --> 00:21:15,274 What? 477 00:21:15,342 --> 00:21:18,845 I said Rose is gone. 478 00:21:18,911 --> 00:21:21,848 And I feel awful. 479 00:21:21,914 --> 00:21:24,283 Like maybe I made a huge mistake. 480 00:21:33,225 --> 00:21:36,529 Well, we all make mistakes.