1 00:00:03,037 --> 00:00:04,138 'cause I'm drunk, aren't you? 2 00:00:04,205 --> 00:00:05,873 Yeah, I'm a bad girl. 3 00:00:05,939 --> 00:00:08,542 Lucky for both of us, I don't judge. 4 00:00:09,977 --> 00:00:11,112 JAKE: It's not my fault! 5 00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:12,613 ALAN: Then whose fault is it? 6 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,382 JAKE: I told you. Uncle Charlie. 7 00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:15,883 I thought you lived alone. 8 00:00:15,949 --> 00:00:17,151 I do. 9 00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:18,986 I leave the TV on to deter criminals. 10 00:00:19,053 --> 00:00:20,421 ALAN: Charlie, 11 00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:21,922 did you tell Jake he could use your computer? 12 00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:23,524 (scoffs) 13 00:00:23,591 --> 00:00:26,194 Just take what you want and don't hurt us. 14 00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:27,928 Go ahead and tell him, Uncle Charlie. 15 00:00:27,995 --> 00:00:29,263 No one's talking to you. 16 00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:31,965 Can you explain to me why I caught him watching 17 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,601 a Quicktime movie called Vanessa Does Van Nuys? 18 00:00:35,103 --> 00:00:36,870 Hey, meet Vanessa. 19 00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:38,139 Why don't you hop upstairs? 20 00:00:38,206 --> 00:00:39,473 I'll be right there. 21 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:40,908 Okay. 22 00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:42,276 Hey, Dad, can we move to Van Nuys? 23 00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:43,511 No. 24 00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:44,912 VANESSA: Hey, 25 00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:46,280 whose skateboard? Mine. 26 00:00:46,347 --> 00:00:47,481 Wow. It's really rad. 27 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:48,649 Thanks. 28 00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:50,218 So's your movie. 29 00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:51,285 Thanks. 30 00:00:51,352 --> 00:00:52,653 We're working on a sequel. 31 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:55,289 Yeah, I'm gonna do Woodland Hills next. 32 00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:58,326 Hop, hop, hop, hop. 33 00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,594 Can we move to Woodland Hills? 34 00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:04,064 Forget Woodland Hills. 35 00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:05,266 Excuse me. We were talking 36 00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:06,600 about the dirty movie on your computer. 37 00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,669 I'm sorry. I forgot it was on there. 38 00:01:08,736 --> 00:01:10,138 You can't forget things like that 39 00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:11,672 when you have a child in the house. 40 00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:12,673 I'm not a child. 41 00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:14,175 And I don't have him. 42 00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:16,344 No one's talking to you, 43 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:17,411 and that's no excuse. 44 00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:18,412 Look, it's not hardcore. 45 00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:19,913 It's mostly her 46 00:01:19,980 --> 00:01:22,183 and a couple of friends having a pajama party. 47 00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:23,917 I didn't see pajamas. 48 00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:25,319 Shut up. Go away. 49 00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:29,657 Again, I'm sorry. 50 00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:31,525 Mea culpa. 51 00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:35,696 Now, if you'll excuse me, mea goin' upstairs. 52 00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:37,698 For a culpa hours. 53 00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:39,600 BERTA: Hey, Charlie, 54 00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:41,169 who do I work for-- you 55 00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:42,636 or this fastidious parasite 56 00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:44,172 you call a brother? 57 00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:47,475 I get the feeling you want me to say me. 58 00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,077 Me. Definitely me. 59 00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:51,645 She works for me. 60 00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:53,647 Well, then, tell her when something 61 00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:56,116 is on the shopping list, she should in fact shop for it. 62 00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:58,219 I'm gonna slug him. Can I slug him? 63 00:01:58,286 --> 00:02:00,721 Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Because it is a big deal. 64 00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,356 No, it's not. The hell it isn't. 65 00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:03,357 Hey, what is going on here? 66 00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:04,992 It's very simple. 67 00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:06,694 I have decided to start drinking acidophilus milk. 68 00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:11,699 It promotes intestinal flora which aids in healthy digestion. 69 00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:13,734 Anyway, for three weeks, 70 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:16,069 I have been writing it on the shopping list, 71 00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:18,606 yet Berta insists on bringing home two percent. 72 00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:20,408 Slug him. 73 00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:24,978 This is my life. 74 00:02:25,045 --> 00:02:27,114 Milk and skateboards. 75 00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:30,684 (thudding) 76 00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:37,525 It's a good thing I'm drunk. 77 00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:42,095 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 78 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,031 * Men. 79 00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:52,740 Extra large eggs. 80 00:02:52,806 --> 00:02:54,074 Extra large eggs. 81 00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:56,744 Acidophilus milk. 82 00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:58,912 Two percent milk, you whiny pinhead. 83 00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,082 Morning. 84 00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:03,651 Hey, how you feeling? 85 00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:05,753 Not too bad really. 86 00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:07,087 That was some fall you took. 87 00:03:07,154 --> 00:03:08,922 Yeah, if I hadn't been plastered, 88 00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:10,724 it might have killed me. 89 00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:13,761 You'd think the liquor industry would promote that. 90 00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:15,396 It is a selling point. 91 00:03:15,463 --> 00:03:18,366 Right up there with making ugly people doable. 92 00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:23,971 Two percent-- the king of milk. 93 00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:26,440 He's got to go, Charlie. 94 00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:28,576 What am I going to do, Berta, he's my brother. 95 00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:30,578 We could make it look like an accident. 96 00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:31,879 (doorbell ringing) 97 00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:34,982 No, no accidents. 98 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:38,852 As long as my mother's alive nothing happens to Fredo. 99 00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:46,527 Hi. 100 00:03:48,796 --> 00:03:52,400 I am sorry to bother you, I'm just moving in next door. 101 00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:53,534 Really? 102 00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:55,869 You're my new neighbor? 103 00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:59,507 Thank you, God. 104 00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:02,576 Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and introduce myself. 105 00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:03,644 Danielle Stewart. 106 00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:05,379 Charlie Harper. 107 00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:06,580 Nice to meet you, Danielle. 108 00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:08,482 Come on in. Oh, thank you. 109 00:04:08,549 --> 00:04:10,851 We'll have a "welcome to the neighborhood" drink. 110 00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:12,620 It's 9:00 a.m. 111 00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:16,089 You're right, who drinks at 9:00 a.m.? 112 00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:18,726 I wouldn't mind a cup of coffee. 113 00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:20,127 Great. 114 00:04:20,193 --> 00:04:22,930 Oh, Berta? (angrily): What?! 115 00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:26,934 My faithful housekeeper. 116 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,636 Would you be so kind 117 00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:31,972 as to bring a cup of coffee for our new neighbor? 118 00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:33,874 Sure. 119 00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:36,977 Luckiest S.O.B. on the planet. 120 00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:39,780 Please. Thank you. 121 00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:41,915 So, Danielle, what brings you 122 00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:43,384 to our little stretch of paradise? 123 00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:47,321 Me? Well, I just got tired of the cold winters in Chicago. 124 00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:48,789 Well, I don't want to scare you away, 125 00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:52,660 but winters here the mercury can dip down to the mid-60s. 126 00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:55,028 Oh, how will I stay warm? 127 00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:57,097 I recommend the buddy system. 128 00:04:57,164 --> 00:04:59,232 You're cute. 129 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,267 I know. 130 00:05:01,369 --> 00:05:03,136 So, what did you do in Chicago? 131 00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:05,339 Well, for the last eight years 132 00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:06,940 I've had a full-time career 133 00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:08,141 trying to spend my divorce settlement. 134 00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:10,010 Oh, a working woman. 135 00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:13,146 Well, buying a Malibu beach house 136 00:05:13,213 --> 00:05:15,015 ought to take a big chunk out of that settlement. 137 00:05:15,082 --> 00:05:17,050 Yeah, you'd think. 138 00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:20,053 Whoa. 139 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,989 Anyway, I've had my fun. 140 00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:24,992 I want to settle down, get serious with my life. 141 00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:26,594 Oh, yeah, me, too. 142 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:29,096 No kidding. 143 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:30,864 So, are you married? 144 00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:34,134 Me? Uh... no. 145 00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:37,004 Are you looking to get married? 146 00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:40,307 Uh... no. 147 00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:43,210 Do you like children? 148 00:05:43,276 --> 00:05:46,313 Uh... no. 149 00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:51,318 So how do you define getting serious with your life? 150 00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:54,988 Well, I've stopped drinking in the morning. 151 00:05:56,990 --> 00:05:58,992 Hey, Berta, where's that coffee? 152 00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:00,661 You men are all alike. 153 00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:03,030 Isn't there anyone left who just wants to get married 154 00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:04,364 and raise a family? 155 00:06:04,432 --> 00:06:06,934 Yeah, but they're all gay. 156 00:06:08,335 --> 00:06:10,003 Here we go. 157 00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:12,072 Thank you. 158 00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:15,409 Oh, you wouldn't happen to have any acidophilus milk, would you? 159 00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:23,817 Walk me through this again. 160 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:26,053 She's beautiful, rich, divorced 161 00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:29,890 and you want to hand her off to Zippy the Chimp? 162 00:06:31,425 --> 00:06:33,193 Follow my reasoning here. 163 00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:35,295 This is a woman looking to settle down. 164 00:06:35,362 --> 00:06:38,899 If I sleep with her, I'm happy for one night. 165 00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:41,168 But if I teach my brother to sleep with her, 166 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:43,904 he falls in love, asks her to marry him, 167 00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:46,907 moves out and I'm happy for the rest of my life. 168 00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:48,776 It's a nice plan, but it'll never happen. 169 00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:50,110 Don't-don't-don't say that. 170 00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:51,211 (spitting) 171 00:06:51,278 --> 00:06:53,180 Unjinx, unjinx, unjinx. 172 00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:55,082 Charlie, she is way out of his league. 173 00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:58,218 I know that. Everybody is out of his league. 174 00:06:58,285 --> 00:07:01,154 He doesn't even have a league. 175 00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:04,792 He's just a kid with a bat and a ball and a football helmet. 176 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,695 But luckily he has me. 177 00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,229 Color me dubious. 178 00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:10,931 ALAN: I'm home. 179 00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:13,366 Come on, I need you to be with me on this one. 180 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,401 It'll never work. 181 00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:17,971 Voila. 182 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:19,139 This... 183 00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:21,274 is acidophilus milk. 184 00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:23,811 It's on the shelf below the two percent 185 00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:26,146 right next to the low-fat yogurt. 186 00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:29,216 Boy, does your brother have a girl for you. 187 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,020 What? 188 00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:34,287 She just moved next door. 189 00:07:34,354 --> 00:07:36,824 She's gorgeous, divorced and loaded. 190 00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:38,892 Mm-hmm. What's wrong with her? 191 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,194 Why does something have to be wrong with her? 192 00:07:41,261 --> 00:07:44,297 Because there's only two reasons you ever set me up with a woman. 193 00:07:44,364 --> 00:07:47,034 Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed 194 00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:49,269 or cross-eyed or hermaphroditic best friend busy 195 00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:50,971 while you do the pretty girl, 196 00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:53,073 or... 197 00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:54,775 okay, I guess there's just one reason. 198 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,311 There is nothing wrong with Danielle. 199 00:07:58,378 --> 00:08:00,380 Berta, is she or is she not gorgeous? 200 00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:02,049 Hey, I'd do her. 201 00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:07,220 If she's so great, why are you giving her to me? 202 00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:08,522 You want the truth? 203 00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:10,123 It'd be a nice change of pace. 204 00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:14,127 All right, first of all, 205 00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:17,030 I am sorry about the hermaphroditic incident. 206 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:21,201 "I'm sorry" doesn't make up for leaving me in a hotel room 207 00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:23,336 with a girl who had a vestigial penis. 208 00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:26,774 I didn't know. 209 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,208 I was as surprised as you were. 210 00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:31,144 Charlie, no one was as surprised as I was. 211 00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:35,148 But let's move on. 212 00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:37,384 I'm not saying I didn't try to hit on our new neighbor, 213 00:08:37,450 --> 00:08:38,351 because I did. 214 00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:40,153 And? I got nowhere. 215 00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:44,457 She saw him for the mindless meat-seeking missile that he is. 216 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:49,062 Anyway... I just thought you two might hit it off. 217 00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:51,164 I'm even making a little welcome basket 218 00:08:51,231 --> 00:08:53,033 for you to give to her, see? 219 00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:55,435 So, she's beautiful, rich and single? 220 00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:56,870 Right. 221 00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:58,105 Why would she want me? 222 00:08:58,171 --> 00:09:00,207 What kind of thing is that to say? 223 00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:01,809 Why wouldn't she want you? 224 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,211 I'm broke, middle-aged, twice divorced 225 00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:05,913 sleeping on your on your hide-a-bed 226 00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:08,248 and sharing custody of a flatulent, underachieving son. 227 00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:13,253 We're gonna need a bigger basket. 228 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:17,090 You're gonna need chloroform and a rope. 229 00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:21,962 * Men... 230 00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:24,164 Just remember, the most important thing 231 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:25,899 is to project confidence. 232 00:09:25,966 --> 00:09:27,067 Got it. 233 00:09:27,134 --> 00:09:29,102 How do I look? 234 00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:31,972 Just project confidence. 235 00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:36,443 Here, you give her the welcome basket. 236 00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:38,612 All right, what do I say? 237 00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:40,013 "Welcome." 238 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,449 Good, that's good. 239 00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:44,517 Oh, hi. 240 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,153 Welcome. 241 00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:50,190 Danielle, this is my brother Alan. 242 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:51,591 Alan, Danielle. 243 00:09:51,659 --> 00:09:54,027 Alan just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood. 244 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,929 Welcome. 245 00:09:57,564 --> 00:09:59,166 Thank you. 246 00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:00,968 You're welcome. 247 00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:03,103 Would you like to come in? 248 00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:05,305 I don't know, she seems kind of busy. 249 00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:06,874 Maybe we should come back... Go, go, go. 250 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,442 I am sorry that the place is such a mess. 251 00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:11,044 Don't be silly. 252 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,513 Moving takes time, right, Alan? 253 00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:14,982 Oh, yes. 254 00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:16,416 I remember the last time I moved, 255 00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:18,085 it was very time-consuming. 256 00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:20,087 I had to collect boxes and those packing peanuts, 257 00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:22,255 and boy, those things get everywhere. 258 00:10:22,322 --> 00:10:24,324 Hey, you know, that's summer sausage, not salami. 259 00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:26,126 A lot of people confuse the two. 260 00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:28,028 Interesting. 261 00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:30,130 So, why don't I 262 00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:31,431 open up this wine 263 00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:33,000 and we can toast to my new home. 264 00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:34,301 Good idea. 265 00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:36,436 None for me. Red wine makes me gassy. 266 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,541 I'm sorry, I don't have anything else to offer. 267 00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:43,110 I haven't had time to go grocery shopping. 268 00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:45,478 Well, then you must be starving. 269 00:10:45,545 --> 00:10:47,447 Alan, I think we should take this young lady out to dinner. 270 00:10:47,514 --> 00:10:50,283 But I was planning on warming up the pot roast from Sunday night. 271 00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:53,386 The pot roast will keep. 272 00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:55,956 I don't know, it's right on the edge. 273 00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:58,591 Forget the pot roast. 274 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,560 So what do you say? We could walk up the beach 275 00:11:00,627 --> 00:11:02,029 to Georgio's and grab a bite. 276 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,330 You know, that sounds wonderful. 277 00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:05,232 Let me just throw on some clean clothes. 278 00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:06,599 Terrific. 279 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,101 Great. I will be right back. 280 00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:13,106 Huh? Huh? 281 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,207 She's incredible. 282 00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:15,375 Incredible my ass, 283 00:11:15,442 --> 00:11:16,710 she's perfect. 284 00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:20,047 Okay, a couple of pointers. 285 00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:21,281 First off, 286 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,951 you never open with "gassy." 287 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,518 I know that. It just came out. 288 00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:26,720 It's all right, it's all right. 289 00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:28,055 No, no permanent damage. 290 00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:29,723 Now what's going to happen here 291 00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:31,158 is I'm going to bail on dinner 292 00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:32,159 so you two can be alone. 293 00:11:32,225 --> 00:11:33,493 Really? 294 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:35,062 'Cause Georgia's is kind of pricey. 295 00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:37,731 Oh, geez. 296 00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:41,168 Here, tip big. 297 00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:42,535 Don't agonize over the math. 298 00:11:42,602 --> 00:11:44,071 I don't agonize. 299 00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:45,572 I just take the sales tax and double it 300 00:11:45,638 --> 00:11:47,340 which is roughly 15%. 301 00:11:47,407 --> 00:11:49,209 Unless, of course, the service is less than impeccable 302 00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:51,078 in which case I leave a flat five dollars. 303 00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:55,215 Alan, it's my money, go crazy. 304 00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:58,218 Fine, 18% it is. 305 00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:02,122 Now, dinner conversation. 306 00:12:02,189 --> 00:12:04,191 Don't talk about your boring job, your petty problems 307 00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:05,358 or your stupid hobbies. 308 00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:07,127 What else is there? 309 00:12:07,194 --> 00:12:10,063 Her petty problems, her stupid hobbies. 310 00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,165 No woman ever came home from a date complaining 311 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:13,666 that all she did was talk about herself. 312 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,402 Oh, that's good. 313 00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:18,171 And that way, I remain an enigma. 314 00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:21,641 Yeah, let's call you an enigma. 315 00:12:21,708 --> 00:12:25,278 All righty, do I look okay? 316 00:12:25,345 --> 00:12:28,015 You look beautiful, fantastic. 317 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,649 Right, Alan? 318 00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:31,118 Welcome. 319 00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:35,055 Okay, let's go. 320 00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:43,563 Let me just lock up. 321 00:12:45,332 --> 00:12:46,433 Oh, no... 322 00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:48,668 What do you mean you have to go? 323 00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:56,043 I mean, uh, what's wrong? 324 00:12:58,178 --> 00:13:00,480 I just remembered I have some work I need to do. 325 00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:02,682 Oh, no! 326 00:13:02,749 --> 00:13:04,217 Oh, what a shame. 327 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:05,752 Maybe we should do this another time. 328 00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:07,654 BOTH: No, no. 329 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,489 You two go ahead, enjoy yourselves. Are you sure? 330 00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:11,458 He's sure. Let's go. Okay. 331 00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:12,759 See you later, Charlie. 332 00:13:12,826 --> 00:13:16,229 So, Danielle, you got any hobbies or problems? 333 00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:23,370 Yes, I know she's hot. 334 00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:30,310 But I'm thinking long-term, so shut up! 335 00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:32,079 * Men... 336 00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:38,651 * Men... 337 00:13:38,718 --> 00:13:40,253 Hey. Hey. 338 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,254 Where have you been? 339 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:42,722 Stuck in traffic. 340 00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:44,391 Danielle's coming over in a few minutes. 341 00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:45,592 Got to shower and change. 342 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,527 Wow, you two are going out again? 343 00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:49,129 What can I say, Charlie? 344 00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:50,197 The girl digs my mojo. 345 00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:52,499 When did you get mojo? 346 00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:54,367 Scoff if you like, 347 00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:56,603 but that woman is entranced by the enigma 348 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,271 that is Alan Jerome Harper. 349 00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:02,742 Unbelievable-- your plan is working. 350 00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:04,311 Told ya. 351 00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:06,246 There must be something wrong with that girl. 352 00:14:06,313 --> 00:14:08,815 There must be a lot wrong with that girl. 353 00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:10,884 Well, then it's a match made in heaven. 354 00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:12,519 There's something wrong with her 355 00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:13,786 and we know there's something wrong with him. 356 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,422 (doorbell rings) 357 00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:17,290 Yeah, and before you know it, he'll move out, 358 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,192 they'll get married 359 00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:20,928 and we'll be wondering what's wrong with their kids. 360 00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,165 Hey, Charlie. 361 00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:26,199 Hey, Danielle. Come on in. 362 00:14:26,266 --> 00:14:27,734 Thank you. Oh, man. 363 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,903 If the kid wants to kill me 364 00:14:29,970 --> 00:14:32,205 why doesn't he just cut my brake line? 365 00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,242 Alan's in the shower. 366 00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:36,843 Am I too early? 367 00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:39,346 No, no. No, he's been living here for three years. 368 00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:40,813 You want a drink? 369 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:41,814 No, thank you. 370 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,350 I'm trying to cut down. 371 00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:44,351 Really? Why? 372 00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:46,519 Long story. 373 00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:49,189 Alan takes long showers. 374 00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:51,258 Longer when he's not dating. 375 00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:53,226 Thank you, Berta. 376 00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:59,266 So, tell me your story. 377 00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:01,268 It's a little embarrassing. 378 00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:03,236 Hey, all the good drinking stories are. 379 00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:05,238 After a night of partying 380 00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:06,573 at the Pomona State Fair, 381 00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:08,675 I once woke up on a tilt-a-whirl wearing nothing 382 00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:10,978 but a grass skirt and a tiny sombrero. 383 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,414 No kidding? 384 00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:17,317 I've still got the sombrero. 385 00:15:17,384 --> 00:15:18,885 Okay, your turn. 386 00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:21,721 All right, um... 387 00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:25,925 the reason my marriage didn't work out... 388 00:15:25,993 --> 00:15:29,262 the reason none of my relationships work out, 389 00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:32,599 is because I tend to drink a little too much 390 00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:35,502 and then do things I regret. 391 00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:36,970 And by "things," you mean...? 392 00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:39,339 Men. 393 00:15:39,406 --> 00:15:41,274 Huh. 394 00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:43,476 And the occasional woman. 395 00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:46,246 Huh. 396 00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:51,918 Well, as stories go, I'd say this is a good one. 397 00:15:51,985 --> 00:15:53,953 At least yours doesn't end 398 00:15:54,021 --> 00:15:57,657 with a toothless carnie offering you a churro. 399 00:15:57,724 --> 00:16:00,827 You know, I had a feeling you'd understand. 400 00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:04,331 Alan is very sweet, 401 00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:08,735 but the guys I usually go for are more like... well, you. 402 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:11,304 Huh. 403 00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:17,377 Anyway, I think I am ready for a nice normal relationship. 404 00:16:17,444 --> 00:16:19,979 No more getting blitzed and falling into bed 405 00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:23,283 with the first guy who asks me. 406 00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:25,052 Or a girl. 407 00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:27,720 Or a couple. 408 00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:30,490 Huh. 409 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:36,629 Huh-huh-huh-huh. 410 00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:38,398 (clears throat) 411 00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:40,333 Excuse me. 412 00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:46,473 Okay, new plan. 413 00:16:46,539 --> 00:16:47,740 I'm going to boink Danielle 414 00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:50,477 and Alan's going to live here forever. 415 00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:52,679 Quelle surprise. 416 00:16:59,286 --> 00:17:00,320 Hello. 417 00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:01,954 It's not your night, Alan. 418 00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,490 What? 419 00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:05,292 Danielle, she's not right for you. 420 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:07,260 But you said she was perfect for me. 421 00:17:07,327 --> 00:17:08,728 I was wrong. 422 00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:09,929 She's sick and twisted. 423 00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:11,398 That makes her perfect for me. 424 00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:14,401 I'm sorry, I'm not following. 425 00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,803 I was talking to her out there 426 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,339 and it turns out she's a boozehound and a sex freak. 427 00:17:19,406 --> 00:17:20,640 What? 428 00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,475 I haven't seen that in her at all. 429 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,977 I mean, I got a good-night kiss, but she was perfectly sober 430 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,879 and her tongue did nothing freaky. 431 00:17:26,946 --> 00:17:29,582 That's because she's trying to hide who she really is. 432 00:17:29,649 --> 00:17:30,883 Who's that? Me! 433 00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:32,952 She's me, Alan, top to bottom, 434 00:17:33,019 --> 00:17:35,888 except, you know, from here to here. 435 00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:38,491 So what is you want me to do, step aside 436 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,993 so you can lead her back to a life of sordid degradation? 437 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,430 If you wouldn't mind. 438 00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:44,631 No! No! No! 439 00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:45,732 You gave her to me. 440 00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:46,533 There's no takebacks. 441 00:17:46,599 --> 00:17:47,900 All right, fine. 442 00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:49,569 We'll just let her make her own decision. 443 00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:51,471 All right, all right, may the better man win. 444 00:17:56,042 --> 00:17:57,910 You would be rooting for the shriveled man. 445 00:18:01,981 --> 00:18:03,483 Oh, now, just a little. 446 00:18:03,550 --> 00:18:04,984 You got it. 447 00:18:05,051 --> 00:18:08,521 That is a beautiful dress. 448 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:09,656 Whoops. 449 00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:11,658 Ooh. 450 00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:12,925 Sorry. 451 00:18:12,992 --> 00:18:15,395 That's okay. 452 00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:17,897 Mm... 453 00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:19,299 buttery... 454 00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:21,868 with a slight citrus finish. 455 00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:23,836 Hmm. 456 00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:30,843 Ah! 457 00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:34,814 You know wine. 458 00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:38,751 Okay, Danielle, we'd better get going 459 00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:40,487 if we're gonna make that reservation. 460 00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:42,389 You're right. Well, thanks for the wine, Charlie. 461 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,923 Whoa, whoa, what's the hurry? 462 00:18:43,990 --> 00:18:45,057 I was going to make a pitcher of margaritas. 463 00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,893 Ooh, I love margaritas! 464 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,362 Be right back. 465 00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:51,498 Gee, Danielle, do you really want to sit here 466 00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:52,732 and drink with Charlie? 467 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:56,068 Oh, yeah, you're right, Alan. 468 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,570 You're a nice guy. 469 00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,071 You're good for me. 470 00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:00,840 Okay, Charlie, we're leaving! 471 00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:02,375 Wait, wait, wait, wait! 472 00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:03,876 If you don't have time for margaritas, 473 00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:05,312 I could mix one up in your mouth. 474 00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:06,379 Cut it out, Charlie. 475 00:19:06,446 --> 00:19:08,014 I know what you're trying to do? 476 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:09,949 What are you talking about? I'm being a good host. 477 00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:11,451 (hushed): You're taking advantage of Danielle. 478 00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:13,653 No, no, I respect Danielle for who she is. 479 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,488 ALAN: So do I. No, you respect Danielle 480 00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:16,856 for who she's pretending to be. 481 00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:18,425 I don't get you-- why did you bother 482 00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:19,926 putting us together in the first place? 483 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:22,061 Because I thought she was dull and boring like you. 484 00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:24,364 and I had hoped the two of you would go 485 00:19:24,431 --> 00:19:25,998 and be dull and boring at her house! 486 00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:28,835 That was really your plan? That's insane! 487 00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:31,338 It would have worked if she wasn't a drunken slut! 488 00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:34,006 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 489 00:19:34,073 --> 00:19:37,977 There is no need to fight over me. 490 00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:41,848 Alan, you're a sweet gentle guy. 491 00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:45,752 Charlie, you're a pig. 492 00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:47,654 But I find you very attractive. 493 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:51,023 There's only one reasonable solution. 494 00:19:51,090 --> 00:19:53,926 I have to do you both. 495 00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:01,868 No crossing swords. 496 00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:04,971 Are you out of your mind? 497 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:05,905 You're actually considering this? 498 00:20:05,972 --> 00:20:07,507 Yeah, you're right. 499 00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:09,742 I don't even like eating dinner next to you. 500 00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:12,479 Thank you 501 00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:14,581 for your generous offer, 502 00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:15,915 but I'm afraid we must decline. 503 00:20:15,982 --> 00:20:18,050 But mostly he's afraid. 504 00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:20,687 I should have known. 505 00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:21,921 Not a pair between you. 506 00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:27,560 Well, if either of you change your mind, 507 00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:29,429 you know where to find me. 508 00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:32,565 (gasps) 509 00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:36,936 Okay, you can have her. 510 00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:38,538 * Men... 511 00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:47,847 "One pound salted butter... 512 00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:52,251 "one dozen extra-large eggs... 513 00:20:52,319 --> 00:20:57,089 one acidophilus milk for the whiny pinhead." 514 00:20:57,156 --> 00:21:00,993 I thought I was the only one who drank this stuff. 515 00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:02,094 What? Are you kidding me? 516 00:21:02,161 --> 00:21:04,564 It's all I drink. 517 00:21:04,631 --> 00:21:07,900 You know, for the intestinal... fauna. 518 00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:09,502 That's all you drink? 519 00:21:09,569 --> 00:21:10,403 Well, I've been known 520 00:21:10,470 --> 00:21:12,605 to add a few fingers of vodka. 521 00:21:12,672 --> 00:21:16,876 Kind of a acidopha-tini. 522 00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:19,912 You're cute. 523 00:21:19,979 --> 00:21:21,180 So I've been told. 524 00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:28,120 I can't. I promised Berta I'd get the groceries. 525 00:21:28,187 --> 00:21:32,859 You're right. You're always right.