1
00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:04,705
I have a question.

2
00:00:04,772 --> 00:00:06,240
Yeah?

3
00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:08,008
How smart do you have
to be to have sex?

4
00:00:10,544 --> 00:00:11,312
Well, actually...

5
00:00:11,379 --> 00:00:12,646
Uh-uh-uh...

6
00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:14,348
Can I...?

7
00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:14,915
Uh-uh-uh...

8
00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:16,417
But I was...

9
00:00:16,484 --> 00:00:17,251
Uh-uh-uh!

10
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:18,486
Oh, come on.

11
00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:20,020
Uh-uh-uh!

12
00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:26,360
Why do you ask?

13
00:00:26,427 --> 00:00:27,728
Mom's boyfriend's a doctor.

14
00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:29,263
Yeah?

15
00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:31,031
And doctors are supposed
to be smart, right?

16
00:00:31,099 --> 00:00:33,867
Not as smart as they
think they are, but, uh...

17
00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:34,868
but go ahead.

18
00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:36,370
Well, when I'm in bed,

19
00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:37,438
I can hear them in bed.

20
00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:38,272
Oh, God.

21
00:00:38,339 --> 00:00:38,906
Oh, boy.

22
00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:40,608
Oh, goody.

23
00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:43,744
And Mom's always
telling him that

24
00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:45,045
he doesn't know
what he's doing.

25
00:00:46,414 --> 00:00:49,683
How much do I love this kid?

26
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:51,018
Don't interrupt, Charlie.

27
00:00:51,085 --> 00:00:53,687
Go on, sweetheart.

28
00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:56,390
So I'm thinking sex must be
a lot harder than I figured.

29
00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:58,992
I mean, she has to tell him
the same thing every night.

30
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:01,395
Every night, you say?

31
00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:02,396
Berta.

32
00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:03,531
You had a semi-annual

33
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,333
subscription, didn't you?

34
00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:08,369
Come on, you guys, please?

35
00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:10,938
Can't help you.
Sorry, no.

36
00:01:12,473 --> 00:01:13,974
Look, Jake, it's, it's not

37
00:01:14,041 --> 00:01:16,043
that you have to be particularly
smart to have sex.

38
00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:18,312
BOTH:
Yeah, look at your dad.

39
00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:21,982
Jinx, you owe me a Coke.

40
00:01:22,049 --> 00:01:23,984
Think of it this way.

41
00:01:24,051 --> 00:01:25,919
Suppose you like
banana cream pie.

42
00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:27,621
I do like banana
cream pie.

43
00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:28,622
Well, good.

44
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:29,623
Do we have any?

45
00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:31,058
No.

46
00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:33,327
Well, then, why'd
you bring it up?

47
00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:35,763
I was trying to tell you
something about sex.

48
00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:37,765
What does pie have
to do with sex?

49
00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:39,099
Can I jump in...?

50
00:01:39,167 --> 00:01:40,968
Uh-uh-uh!

51
00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:42,035
How about me?

52
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,671
Excuse me, but if I can't talk,

53
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:44,905
you can't talk.

54
00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:46,874
Am I right, Alan?

55
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,409
Anyway...

56
00:01:48,476 --> 00:01:49,910
If you don't
tell me

57
00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:52,580
you like banana cream pie
and I keep bringing home

58
00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:54,682
something else...
But I just told you
I like it.

59
00:01:54,748 --> 00:01:55,983
You want to know

60
00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:57,751
what kind of pie
your Uncle Charlie likes?

61
00:01:57,818 --> 00:01:58,919
Uh-uh!

62
00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:00,621
Oh, come on, I...

63
00:02:00,688 --> 00:02:01,489
Uh-uh-uh!

64
00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:03,824
I'm guessing cherry.

65
00:02:03,891 --> 00:02:05,092
Uh-uh-uh!

66
00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:09,630
Please, I've got this.

67
00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:12,633
You've got squat.

68
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:14,067
At this rate, the kid's only

69
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,970
gonna get a stiffie
at Marie Callendar's.

70
00:02:17,037 --> 00:02:18,138
Okay. Okay.

71
00:02:18,206 --> 00:02:20,073
Forget the pie.

72
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,743
Uncle Charlie
said "stiffie."

73
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:25,813
Yeah, I heard him.

74
00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:28,382
My point is,
you don't have to worry

75
00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:29,817
about being smart enough
to have sex, okay?

76
00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:31,118
Okay.

77
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,088
In fact, there are times

78
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:39,760
when brains and imagination
are a distinct disadvantage.

79
00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:41,094
Like when you've been
married for 12 years

80
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,663
and you're only allowed to do

81
00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:44,998
the same three things
over and over again.

82
00:02:45,065 --> 00:02:47,100
In exactly
the same way

83
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,736
and exactly the same order.

84
00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:50,738
like you were some kind
of unthinking machine

85
00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:52,740
or a trained fricking monkey.

86
00:02:56,944 --> 00:03:00,147
Okay. Honestly, how much more
damage could we have caused?

87
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:05,486
I bet monkeys
like banana cream pie.

88
00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:08,456
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

89
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:11,825
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh

90
00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:14,762
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh

91
00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:16,864
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

92
00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:19,467
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

93
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:22,536
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

94
00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:27,107
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.

95
00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:36,650
(doorbell ringing)

96
00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:39,853
Hi, honey.

97
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,522
Hi, Mom.
What's in the box?

98
00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:42,523
Banana cream pie.

99
00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:47,495
You bought him a whole pie?

100
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,797
I bought him two pies.

101
00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:51,899
Why would you do that?

102
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:54,802
It seemed easier than explaining
to him that his mother's fiancé

103
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:56,370
isn't really a sexual moron.

104
00:03:58,372 --> 00:03:59,006
Oh, hey, Alan.

105
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,374
Herb.

106
00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:03,711
Why is Jake eating
pie in the bathroom?

107
00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:04,778
Not now, not now.

108
00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:06,079
What are you
talking about?

109
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:08,849
Jake can hear you two in bed.

110
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:10,984
Oh, God.

111
00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:12,786
Oh, God.

112
00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:13,787
He didn't hear that.

113
00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:21,795
Um...

114
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:24,398
Wh-What, what did
he say to you?

115
00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:27,535
Well, uh, basically he's worried
that when he grows up,

116
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:29,437
he won't be smart enough
to have sex

117
00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:30,904
Why would he
think that?

118
00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:32,973
Because he hears you
giving Herb instructions

119
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,042
like he's a blind guy
in a mine field.

120
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:40,881
(laughing)

121
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:42,450
You think that's funny?

122
00:04:42,516 --> 00:04:48,456
No.

123
00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:49,890
Well, I will talk to him.

124
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,792
No, no. Trust me, talking
only makes it worse.

125
00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:53,060
Charlie and I tried.

126
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,862
Oh, great, Charlie
knows about this?

127
00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:56,630
That's not the point,
Judith. The point is,

128
00:04:56,697 --> 00:04:58,065
you need to be a
little less vocal.

129
00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,000
Maybe do what you did
with me and smack him

130
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,935
on the back of the head
when he goes off course.

131
00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:03,471
She does that, too.

132
00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:07,140
Well, um...

133
00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:09,109
Thank you, Alan,
I will take care of this.

134
00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:14,648
Um...

135
00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:15,983
I'm sorry to dump this on you.

136
00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:17,651
Oh, that's okay.

137
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:19,119
I mean, you know,
I'm, I'm not judging.

138
00:05:19,186 --> 00:05:20,788
I've been in your position.

139
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,523
Well, she only likes the one.

140
00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:28,896
Yeah, yeah. Been
there, done that.

141
00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:29,763
Mm-hmm.

142
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,098
Or, more correctly,

143
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,701
Uh, been there,
told I was doing that wrong.

144
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:34,802
Oh, yeah.

145
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:36,804
The truth is, I, uh...

146
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:38,138
I kind of like the instructions.

147
00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,973
It takes out all the guesswork.

148
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,009
Sure. Sure.

149
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:45,946
I tend to meander when I don't
have, you know, a game plan.

150
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:47,948
Yeah, well, that's never
a problem with Judith.

151
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:51,184
She's the Vince Lombardi
of sexual intercourse.

152
00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:53,787
Well, she did teach me
to play through the pain.

153
00:05:56,524 --> 00:05:59,593
Yeah. Tape it up
and get back in there.

154
00:06:00,661 --> 00:06:02,630
Say good-bye, Herb.

155
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,799
Bye.
Bye.

156
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,868
* Men.

157
00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:10,838
...throws it to the quarterback
and Miller has gotta stand back.

158
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:12,139
He's got it
at the one-yard line!

159
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:13,140
(crowd cheering)

160
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,141
Hey.

161
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,108
Hey.

162
00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:16,744
How'd it go with Judith?

163
00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:19,813
It was the most awkward
and uncomfortable conversation

164
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,882
I've had in my life.

165
00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:23,984
Huh. More awkward
than when you were a kid

166
00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:26,520
and had to explain to Mom
why you were hiding

167
00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,922
a slab of raw liver
in your sock drawer?

168
00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,860
Okay, the second most awkward.

169
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,862
What about when she found
the warm cantaloupe

170
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:36,597
with a face drawn on it?

171
00:06:36,664 --> 00:06:38,832
All right,
this was in the top five.

172
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,601
I mean...

173
00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:43,871
it's just unnatural for a guy
to have to tell his ex-wife

174
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:46,006
to pipe down while she's
having sex with another man.

175
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,608
I'll tell you what's unnatural.

176
00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:49,910
The look on that melon's face.

177
00:06:52,546 --> 00:06:54,948
Fruit should not look surprised.

178
00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:06,527
You're the one who gave me
that idea.

179
00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:07,828
I was joking.

180
00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:10,764
You told me it was what
the astronauts do.

181
00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:13,801
Oh, right.

182
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:16,670
That's how I got you to
pee in the Tang jar.

183
00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:20,674
Oh, and let's not forget

184
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:24,277
how I convinced you Mom's douche
bag was your air supply.

185
00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:28,148
Yeah. Yeah.

186
00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:30,150
My breath smelled like vinegar
for two weeks.

187
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:35,689
Ah... those were
innocent times.

188
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:38,992
* Men.

189
00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:43,797
Oh, the kitchen appliances are a
little outdated, but you people

190
00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:45,933
can cook with your wrist
watches now, can't you?

191
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:47,735
(laughing)

192
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:48,802
You're funny.

193
00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:50,804
You're a funny firecracker.

194
00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:53,106
Mom?

195
00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:54,742
Oh. Charlie.

196
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,544
Say hello to Hiroshi Goto.

197
00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:58,045
Hi.
Hello.

198
00:07:58,111 --> 00:08:00,681
Charlie is my number one son.

199
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:04,184
Yeah, but she treats me
like number two.

200
00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:07,888
Mom, can I talk to
you for a minute?

201
00:08:07,955 --> 00:08:09,089
Well, of course, darling.

202
00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,891
Hiroshi, why don't you go

203
00:08:10,958 --> 00:08:12,125
enjoy the view from the deck?

204
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:13,661
There's usually pretty girls

205
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:14,862
playing volleyball
out on the beach.

206
00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:17,798
Oh. I like volleyball.

207
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,969
All right, here's
what you need to know.

208
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:24,237
He's filthy rich and he's
looking for a house on the beach

209
00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:26,073
and I have nothing
to show him.

210
00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:28,676
So you're selling him my house?

211
00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:31,344
Don't worry. I told him you were
going through an ugly divorce,

212
00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:34,682
but before we close escrow,
you'll reconcile with Sheryl

213
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,784
and back out of the sale.

214
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,686
Who's Sheryl?

215
00:08:38,752 --> 00:08:41,955
She is a sweet,
selfless girl

216
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,091
who worked nights to put
you through law school

217
00:08:44,157 --> 00:08:46,026
while you were sleeping
with her sister.

218
00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:50,798
Anyway, I have to string
Mr. Goto along until I have

219
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,866
something to show him that
actually is for sale.

220
00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:55,836
Oh, I understand.

221
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:58,305
It's called a bait-and-switch
and it's a felony.

222
00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:03,143
Oh, well, look at you
taking the moral high ground.

223
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:05,979
And with nary a bottle
or whore in sight.

224
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:08,849
Bravo.

225
00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:12,753
Uh, excuse me, why is there
an Asian man on the deck?

226
00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:14,254
Mom's selling my house.

227
00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:15,088
Why?

228
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:17,625
Marital problems.

229
00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:19,727
You cheating bastard.

230
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:22,696
Do I have to find
another place to live?

231
00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:25,633
Yes.

232
00:09:25,699 --> 00:09:26,867
Don't worry, sweetheart.

233
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:29,036
Mommy's just running
a little scam.

234
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:31,204
But feel free to find
another place to live.

235
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:33,774
Anyway, what's new?

236
00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:34,942
How's my grandson?

237
00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:36,243
Oh, he's, he's fine.

238
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:39,312
Oh, come on, Alan,
tell her about the pie.

239
00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:41,749
What pie?

240
00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:42,883
There's no pie.

241
00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,852
Jake overheard his mother...

242
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,987
(spouts gibberish)

243
00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:48,656
It's nothing.

244
00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:51,158
I just had to have a rather
embarrassing conversation

245
00:09:51,224 --> 00:09:52,893
with Judith yesterday.

246
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,762
More embarrassing than when
you were 11 years old,

247
00:09:54,828 --> 00:09:57,931
and I caught you with the dog
and the peanut butter.

248
00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:02,269
You went and did that, too?

249
00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:07,040
You told me it was what the
cowboys did on a cattle drive.

250
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,842
And I didn't have a cow.

251
00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:12,680
Is that why
you got rid of our dog?

252
00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:14,915
I couldn't look at him anymore.

253
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:19,920
Can we move on? Please?

254
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:21,755
I'm sorry, dear.
Now, what about Jake?

255
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:23,891
I loved that dog.

256
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,859
Well, not as much
as your brother did.

257
00:10:28,028 --> 00:10:31,231
But go ahead, Alan, what did you
have to talk to Judith about?

258
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:32,432
Nothing. Forget it.

259
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:34,101
Oh, come on, Alan.

260
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:37,304
The dog whisperer here
got bent all out of shape

261
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:38,706
'cause Jake caught
his mother going at it

262
00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:39,840
with her new boyfriend.

263
00:10:39,907 --> 00:10:41,909
That's it? He just heard them?

264
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:43,210
That's not enough
to traumatize him?

265
00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:45,045
Absolutely not.

266
00:10:45,112 --> 00:10:46,847
See, Alan, I told you.

267
00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:48,148
You would know, Charlie.

268
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:49,817
What do you mean?

269
00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:51,752
You don't remember?

270
00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:52,953
Remember what?

271
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:54,822
Nothing.

272
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:57,290
I like it!

273
00:10:57,357 --> 00:10:59,259
Of course you do.

274
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:00,994
Let me show you
the master suite.

275
00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:02,930
That's where
she caught him.

276
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:05,966
Ah, cheating bastard.

277
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:09,970
What am I supposed to remember?

278
00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:11,872
I was the only one
that gave that dog

279
00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:12,973
any kind of attention.

280
00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:18,779
* Men.

281
00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:19,780
(moaning)

282
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:20,914
No...

283
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:26,419
(gasps)

284
00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:31,992
I remember.

285
00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:34,094
* Men.

286
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:40,400
(glass tings)

287
00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:44,938
(liquid pouring)

288
00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:46,840
(ice tinkling)

289
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:51,611
Charlie?

290
00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:52,980
Yeah?

291
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:55,682
What are you doing?

292
00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:57,885
Drinking.

293
00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:01,721
Why are you
doing it here?

294
00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:03,757
I can't be alone
right now.

295
00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:07,828
Okay. What's going on?

296
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:11,832
I remembered, Alan.

297
00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,700
Remembered what?

298
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:18,538
I was eight years old,
it was late at night.

299
00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:20,507
I must have had a bad dream
or something

300
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,877
'cause I walked into Mom's room
and I saw them.

301
00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:26,914
Saw who?

302
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:29,382
Mom and some guy.

303
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:31,084
They didn't hear me
at first

304
00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:34,822
'cause the water bed
was making a lot of
sloshing noises.

305
00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:38,558
At least I hope
it was the water bed.

306
00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:41,428
Oh, yeah,
Mom's water bed.

307
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:42,896
Remember how we
used to bounce

308
00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:44,998
up and down on it playing
lumberjack and...?

309
00:12:45,065 --> 00:12:46,499
Will you forget
the damn bed?!

310
00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:48,468
The bed's not important.

311
00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:51,371
Sorry.

312
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:52,873
Anyway,

313
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:56,009
at some point they realized
I was standing there,

314
00:12:56,076 --> 00:12:59,746
and the guy said to me,
"Don't worry, Speed Racer,

315
00:12:59,813 --> 00:13:01,081
I'm not hurting your mom."

316
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:03,116
Speed Racer?

317
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:06,553
Remember, I had
the Speed Racer pajamas?

318
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,788
Oh, yeah, yeah,
our Christmas pajamas.

319
00:13:08,856 --> 00:13:12,359
Yeah, you got Speed Racer
and I got Laverne & Shirley.

320
00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:15,628
So typical.

321
00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:17,497
This is not about you, Alan!

322
00:13:17,564 --> 00:13:19,799
This is about
a horrible moment
in my life

323
00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:21,734
that I completely
repressed:

324
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:25,672
Mom and the man with
the big red mustache.

325
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,707
Oh, God.

326
00:13:27,774 --> 00:13:32,379
I just realized why Yosemite Sam
always made me nauseous.

327
00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:36,516
And I'll tell you
the worst part.

328
00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:37,885
Worse than Laverne & Shirley
pajamas?

329
00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:39,519
Alan...

330
00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:43,456
I am amazed
I'm not a raging queen.

331
00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:45,058
We all are.

332
00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:52,565
Anyway, the next morning
I asked Mom what happened

333
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:54,767
and she said she didn't know
what I was talking about.

334
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:58,071
And when I kept asking,
she threw a shoe at my head.

335
00:13:58,138 --> 00:14:00,740
Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah,
the four-inch heels.

336
00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:02,509
Oh, she was deadly accurate
with those.

337
00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:04,611
She could knock
a melon out of your hands

338
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:06,179
from clear across
the room.

339
00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:09,582
Will you get your mind
out of the produce section?

340
00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:10,783
I've got a problem here.

341
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,986
Come on, Charlie.
It happened years ago

342
00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:14,454
and you turned out...

343
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:16,123
Yeah, you got a problem.

344
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,857
Thank you.

345
00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:19,626
I got to tell you,

346
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,661
it does help me feel
a little better about Jake.

347
00:14:21,728 --> 00:14:23,463
I mean, he didn't see
anything,

348
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,165
and at least we haven't
been lying to him

349
00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:26,934
about having sex.

350
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:31,104
No, no, you just taught him
to associate sex with pie.

351
00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:33,840
Hey, at least I didn't
talk him into

352
00:14:33,907 --> 00:14:37,044
putting crotchless panties
on a Butterball turkey.

353
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,679
Oh, right.

354
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:41,148
Best Thanksgiving ever.

355
00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:47,020
You told me it's how
the pilgrims got through
the harsh winter.

356
00:14:49,156 --> 00:14:50,790
* Men.

357
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:55,628
HERB:
Oh, come on. He's got
to be asleep by now.

358
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,497
JUDITH:
It doesn't matter.
He could wake up.

359
00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:58,665
So we'll be quiet.

360
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,100
I can't be quiet.

361
00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:03,170
Oh, come on.
Please?

362
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:04,637
Oh, all right.

363
00:15:04,704 --> 00:15:07,040
(both giggle)

364
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:10,143
No, no, not that way.

365
00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:11,811
Slow down!

366
00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:13,113
(knocks loudly)

367
00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:14,914
I'm still awake!

368
00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:19,886
Are you happy?

369
00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:21,921
I may never be
happy again.

370
00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:24,724
Mm, pie.

371
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,895
* Men.

372
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,601
Rose, did you ever
suddenly remember something

373
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,803
that you blocked out
years ago?

374
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:38,038
You mean like
a repressed memory?

375
00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:39,539
Yeah.

376
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,741
Yeah. You ever had
a repressed memory?

377
00:15:41,808 --> 00:15:43,743
I forget.

378
00:15:45,912 --> 00:15:48,781
Get it?
A little psychology humor.

379
00:15:48,848 --> 00:15:50,783
Freud was the first one
to use it.

380
00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:52,085
Aha.

381
00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:53,920
It's much funnier
in German.

382
00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:58,158
Hast due mals gehabt ein
unterdrucktes Gedachtnis?

383
00:15:58,225 --> 00:15:59,726
Ich vergesse.

384
00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:05,865
So what memory
did you repress?

385
00:16:05,932 --> 00:16:10,237
When I was eight, I walked in
on my mother having sex.

386
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:11,204
Interesting.

387
00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:12,872
Interesting?

388
00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:16,809
How about devastating,
horrifying, traumatizing?

389
00:16:16,876 --> 00:16:20,913
Wow. What, was she, like,
blindfolded and tied to a bed

390
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:24,151
while two guys slapped
her butt with Ping-Pong paddles?

391
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:26,686
No.

392
00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:30,723
Hmm. Was she riding around
the room on a goat

393
00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:32,325
while an albino midget
dripped honey...?

394
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:36,163
No, no! No.

395
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:37,630
It was just sex.

396
00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:39,166
One mother, one man.

397
00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:40,567
(singsongy):
Boring.

398
00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:43,136
Oh, come on, Charlie.

399
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:45,338
It's not an uncommon occurrence.

400
00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:48,075
I myself have walked in
on many people having sex.

401
00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:49,709
Accidentally?

402
00:16:49,776 --> 00:16:53,946
My point is, you've recovered
the memory,

403
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,748
and you can get on
with your life.

404
00:16:55,815 --> 00:16:58,585
No, I can't.

405
00:16:58,651 --> 00:17:01,888
What if it's not the
only repressed memory?

406
00:17:01,954 --> 00:17:04,857
What else is lying
just below the surface

407
00:17:04,924 --> 00:17:07,327
ready to burst into
my consciousness?

408
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:08,895
Am I going to wake up
tonight remembering

409
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:11,131
my mother in the shower
with my Uncle Donald?

410
00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:16,603
Who I suddenly realized
wasn't really my uncle?

411
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:18,838
Sounds like you don't have
to worry about that one anymore.

412
00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:21,808
Oh, God, it's
all coming back.

413
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:24,777
Uncle Donald,
Uncle Steve...

414
00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:26,246
Uncle Jorge.

415
00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:30,750
I bet I wasn't related
to any of those guys.

416
00:17:30,817 --> 00:17:32,752
This is all good, Charlie.
Keep going.

417
00:17:32,819 --> 00:17:33,786
Oh, boy.

418
00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:35,622
What?

419
00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:39,025
Not only was Aunt
Wendy not my aunt,

420
00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:41,761
there was no snakebite
on her boob.

421
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:43,296
(doorbell rings)

422
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:48,135
Oh, hey.
What are you doing here?

423
00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:51,037
Uh, well,
we were hoping that...

424
00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:53,840
Actually, I was hoping
that, uh, maybe...

425
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:54,841
He wants me
to stay here tonight

426
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,676
so he and Mom can have sex.

427
00:17:56,743 --> 00:18:01,047
Oh. Jake, I'm sure that's not
the reason, right, Herb?

428
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:02,915
No, that's pretty much it.

429
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:05,785
Excuse me.

430
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:07,287
Where are you going?

431
00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:09,722
To tell Mom that her
indiscriminate bed-hopping

432
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:11,691
has scarred me for life.

433
00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:15,295
Jury's still out on me.

434
00:18:15,362 --> 00:18:17,797
* Men.

435
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:21,868
(doorbell rings)

436
00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:25,738
(camera whirring)

437
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:28,007
EVELYN:
What do you want,
Charlie?

438
00:18:28,074 --> 00:18:29,842
We need to talk.

439
00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:31,010
You should have
called first.

440
00:18:31,077 --> 00:18:32,612
I'm a little under
the weather.

441
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:35,848
Yeah, well, I'm not feeling
so great myself.

442
00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:37,584
I've started remembering things.

443
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:38,985
Well, call the poor girls,

444
00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:41,521
apologize and stop
drinking so much.

445
00:18:41,588 --> 00:18:44,491
No, I'm remembering things
about you.

446
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:46,959
Things from my childhood.

447
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,062
Wait a minute.
What are you doing?

448
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:54,434
You can't even look at me,
can you?

449
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:57,404
I don't care what you
think you remember.

450
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,172
I was a terrific mother
who loved you

451
00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:01,708
even though you were
a horrible little boy.

452
00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:03,142
Now go away.

453
00:19:05,178 --> 00:19:07,647
Mom, this is important!

454
00:19:07,714 --> 00:19:09,816
Mom?

455
00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:14,421
You ruined Yosemite Sam for me!

456
00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:22,429
Dagnabit, this isn't over.

457
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:33,773
Oh, God!

458
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,209
EVELYN:
Charlie?

459
00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:39,512
MAN ( with foreign accent):
Don't worry, slugger.
I'm not hurting your mother.

460
00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:52,425
Good night, Berta.

461
00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:55,161
Hey, Dad, guess
what I found in
Mom's bedroom.

462
00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:57,864
You know what?
I'll take a cab.

463
00:19:57,930 --> 00:20:00,066
An empty canof whipped cream.

464
00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:03,270
Whipped cream. No kidding?

465
00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:04,804
Yep. And you know
what I'm thinking?

466
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:05,872
I know
what I'm thinking.

467
00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:07,206
Uh-uh-uh!

468
00:20:08,575 --> 00:20:10,209
What?

469
00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:12,445
Either whipped cream
has something to do with sex,

470
00:20:12,512 --> 00:20:15,282
or Mom hides pie
in her nightstand, too.

471
00:20:15,348 --> 00:20:16,949
Hey, a gal can do both.

472
00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:19,085
Uh-uh-uh!

473
00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:20,453
Hey.

474
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,522
Hey, what happened
to you?

475
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:24,223
What are you talking about?

476
00:20:24,291 --> 00:20:26,259
I thought you went to Mom's.

477
00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:27,894
No.

478
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,161
Then where were you?

479
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,797
I don't remember.

480
00:20:30,863 --> 00:20:32,265
What do you mean,
you don't remember?

481
00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:34,534
It's called a repressed memory.

482
00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:35,835
Now drop it!

483
00:20:38,505 --> 00:20:39,839
* Men.

484
00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:46,346
Any one of you you lily-livered,
bowlegged varmints care

485
00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:48,381
to slap leather with me?!

486
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:51,918
I'm the hootinest,
tootinest, shootinest

487
00:20:51,984 --> 00:20:53,586
bobtailed wildcat!

488
00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:55,355
(gunfire)

489
00:20:55,422 --> 00:21:00,460
I'm the fastest gun
north, south, east and west

490
00:21:00,527 --> 00:21:02,228
of the Pecos!

491
00:21:02,295 --> 00:21:04,897
(Looney Tunes theme plays)