1 00:00:03,404 --> 00:00:05,239 I had a great dream last night. 2 00:00:05,306 --> 00:00:06,707 Really? Yeah. 3 00:00:06,774 --> 00:00:09,177 I dreamed I got locked in a house made of donuts 4 00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:11,579 and I had to eat my way out. 5 00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:13,514 Interesting. 6 00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:17,651 I had a similar dream, only no house and no donuts. 7 00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:19,620 Morning. 8 00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:21,389 Morning. Morning. 9 00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:22,490 So, uh... 10 00:00:22,556 --> 00:00:24,292 how'd everybody sleep? 11 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,462 Uncle Charlie and I both had dreams about eating. 12 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,531 Mine was with donuts. His was something dirty. 13 00:00:31,765 --> 00:00:33,601 He's just guessing. 14 00:00:34,668 --> 00:00:35,536 Good guess. 15 00:00:37,071 --> 00:00:38,739 And yes, Alan, we see your earring. 16 00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:41,442 It's pretty cool, right? 17 00:00:41,509 --> 00:00:45,413 Yeah, if you're going to a Wham! concert with Molly Ringwald. 18 00:00:47,081 --> 00:00:49,317 I think it's cool. Thank you, Jake. 19 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,085 Can I get my ear pierced? No. 20 00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:52,486 Why not? 21 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:55,022 You can't keep the holes you have clean. 22 00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:57,325 And you're too young. 23 00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:58,726 Wait till you're old, desperate, 24 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,428 and living in your brother's house. 25 00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:02,296 You can mock me all you want, 26 00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:04,765 but there's a certain lady who thinks it's darn sexy. 27 00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:07,401 First of all, I don't need permission to mock you... 28 00:01:07,468 --> 00:01:09,069 but more importantly, 29 00:01:09,137 --> 00:01:12,140 you let some broad talk you into piercing your ear? 30 00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:15,576 Actually, my ear wasn't her first choice to pierce. 31 00:01:16,644 --> 00:01:18,712 What else can you pierce? 32 00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:22,783 Nothing. Nothing. 33 00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:24,118 Fine. Don't tell me. 34 00:01:24,185 --> 00:01:25,153 I'll Google it. 35 00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:27,588 Don't worry. 36 00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:30,458 He can't spell "pierce." 37 00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:32,293 He can't spell "Google." 38 00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:36,630 So, who's Princess Poke-a-Hole? 39 00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:39,600 Just a nice young woman with a sewing needle and a potato. 40 00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:41,469 A potato? 41 00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:43,304 Yeah, she, uh, she put it behind my lobe, 42 00:01:43,371 --> 00:01:44,538 sort of like a pincushion. 43 00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:47,141 Oh. So you're a moron. 44 00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:48,542 It's perfectly safe. 45 00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:49,610 She sterilized the needle. 46 00:01:49,677 --> 00:01:50,778 How? 47 00:01:50,844 --> 00:01:52,680 With alcohol. 48 00:01:54,382 --> 00:01:56,784 Okay, Kahlua. 49 00:01:56,850 --> 00:02:01,555 Well, I guess I owe morons an apology. 50 00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,457 You do know that's the gay ear. 51 00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:10,164 What? 52 00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:13,301 Left ear says "I'm a hipster from the disco era." 53 00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:14,502 Right ear says... 54 00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:16,637 (flamboyantly): "Let's disco!" 55 00:02:19,607 --> 00:02:22,243 No, no, th-th-that can't be right. 56 00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:23,677 Okay, don't believe me. 57 00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:27,681 Hey, look who's finally out of the closet. 58 00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:32,686 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 59 00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:35,456 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 60 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,440 Berta. 61 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,208 Yeah. What are you doing? 62 00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:55,743 Making your bed. 63 00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:58,246 Well, I'd like to take a nap. 64 00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:01,449 Hop in. You can spoon me, but it ends there. 65 00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:04,151 Are you sick? 66 00:03:04,218 --> 00:03:06,454 Yeah, I'm sick. 67 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,290 I'm sick of staying up all night with a screaming baby 68 00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:11,259 while my daughter's out trolling the waterfront 69 00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:13,527 for the father of her next one. 70 00:03:13,594 --> 00:03:15,663 Whoa, that's rough. 71 00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:18,599 Oh, don't feign interest in my life, Charlie. 72 00:03:18,666 --> 00:03:21,435 Sorry, I, I, I see a woman in my bed, 73 00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:23,904 I instinctively start lying. 74 00:03:24,972 --> 00:03:26,774 Close the door on your way out. 75 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,809 Okay. 76 00:03:34,315 --> 00:03:35,483 No. 77 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,851 No, this is ridiculous. 78 00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:38,919 Berta. Get out. 79 00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:41,555 Sleep tight. 80 00:03:41,622 --> 00:03:45,393 (phone ringing) 81 00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:46,827 Hello? Ow! 82 00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:50,197 Uh, hello? 83 00:03:50,264 --> 00:03:51,832 Oh, oh, hi. 84 00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:54,335 Uh, no, no, it's, uh, it's just a little tender. 85 00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:56,337 I'm glad you called. I, I missed you, too. 86 00:03:56,404 --> 00:03:58,238 Yeah, yeah, last night was fun. 87 00:03:58,306 --> 00:03:59,907 (laughs) 88 00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:01,642 You won't believe who's in my bed. 89 00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,677 Hang on. 90 00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,779 I never do... 91 00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:08,215 but I'm on the phone right now. 92 00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:09,216 Ow! 93 00:04:09,283 --> 00:04:11,452 Ah... damn it. 94 00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:13,220 Uh, listen, how about tonight? 95 00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:14,388 Oh, great, great. 96 00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:15,756 The usual place? 97 00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:16,790 All right, well, see you then. 98 00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,759 (chuckles) Okay. B-Bye. 99 00:04:19,827 --> 00:04:21,829 Berta's in my bed. 100 00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:24,365 Really? 101 00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:26,500 Couldn't you just pay her in cash this week? 102 00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:27,935 (chuckling) 103 00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:29,903 Ow! 104 00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:33,707 There are some things we don't joke about. 105 00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:36,644 Okay, so... 106 00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,946 why is Berta in your bed? 107 00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:41,248 Apparently, her daughter's been out partying every night 108 00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:42,850 and Berta's been stuck with the baby. 109 00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:45,386 Oh, that's got to be rough. 110 00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:48,822 Don't feign interest in her life, Alan. 111 00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:50,391 Sorry. 112 00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:52,593 Oh, hey, hey, listen, can you watch Jake tonight? 113 00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:54,995 Why? You want to see if your new lady friend can infect 114 00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:56,797 other parts of your body? 115 00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:58,399 It's not infected. 116 00:04:58,466 --> 00:05:00,401 A certain amount of swelling is perfectly normal. 117 00:05:00,468 --> 00:05:01,469 Where'd it say that, Alan? 118 00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:02,970 On the potato? 119 00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:09,543 Are you at least going to tell me who this woman is? 120 00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:11,845 It's nobody you know. 121 00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:13,981 Oh... so I know her. 122 00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:16,316 I didn't say that. 123 00:05:16,384 --> 00:05:17,751 You didn't have to. 124 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,420 Now let's see. 125 00:05:19,487 --> 00:05:21,689 Who do I know that you'd like to keep a secret? 126 00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:22,923 You're wasting your time. 127 00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:23,791 One of your ex-wives? 128 00:05:23,857 --> 00:05:24,925 (scoffs) 129 00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:26,960 Rose? Berta's daughter? 130 00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:31,632 (laughing): Berta's daughter? 131 00:05:31,699 --> 00:05:33,467 D-Don't be ridiculous. 132 00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:34,902 Ha... ha-ha. 133 00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:40,774 That's rich. 134 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,342 Ha, ha, ha! 135 00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:46,747 * Men... 136 00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:48,749 I'm tired. Shouldn't I be in bed? 137 00:05:48,816 --> 00:05:50,518 Shut up and deal. 138 00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:53,387 Look, I'll give you back the money I won. 139 00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:54,988 You didn't win it till we stop playing. 140 00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:55,989 Now deal. 141 00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,827 What's he doing up? 142 00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:01,762 Not now, Alan. 143 00:06:01,829 --> 00:06:03,597 I'm all in. 144 00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:05,466 Jake, bed. 145 00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:07,067 Hold on, Dad. Call ya. 146 00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:08,301 Pocket aces. 147 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,970 What do you got? 148 00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:11,605 You heard your father. Go to bed. 149 00:06:13,441 --> 00:06:15,042 He's been betting on garbage all night. 150 00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:18,912 You let a 12-year-old beat you at poker? 151 00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:20,748 He's 12 and a half. 152 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,952 What's going on with your ear, Dumbo? 153 00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:26,887 It's just a little swelling. 154 00:06:26,954 --> 00:06:27,888 It's normal. 155 00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:29,957 Better pierce the other one. 156 00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:31,825 You don't want to be flying around in circles. 157 00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,628 It's fine. 158 00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:36,697 Listen, th-there's something I need to get off my chest. 159 00:06:36,764 --> 00:06:37,931 If you don't see a doctor soon, 160 00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:40,468 it'll be your earlobe. 161 00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,002 Are you going to listen or what? Sorry. 162 00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:44,905 I'm all ears. No, wait, that's you. 163 00:06:44,972 --> 00:06:46,707 You know what? Forget about it. 164 00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:48,842 No, no, no, no, come on. Talk to me. (sighs) 165 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,578 It's about the girl I'm dating. 166 00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:51,979 Berta's daughter. 167 00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:53,581 How didyou know? 168 00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:57,651 Your idiot son doesn't have a single tell, 169 00:06:57,718 --> 00:06:59,687 but you I can read like a stop sign. 170 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,489 Okay. 171 00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:03,957 I was going to build up to the big reveal, but I... 172 00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:05,559 Just cut to the chase. 173 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:09,062 You remember how I had a little crush on Naomi 174 00:07:09,129 --> 00:07:09,863 when she was pregnant? 175 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,499 A little crush? 176 00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:14,434 You were like a monkey trying to hump a watermelon. 177 00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:16,069 Are you going to let me tell the story? 178 00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:17,738 I'm just fact-checking. 179 00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:19,139 Go ahead. 180 00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:22,910 Anyway, after she had the baby, we stayed in touch, 181 00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,679 and I got to know her and the baby and... 182 00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:27,114 I'm starting to care about both of them. 183 00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:30,417 Aw, buddy, you got a heart as big as your ear. 184 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:34,922 But you're falling into the same trap you always do. 185 00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:36,089 What's that? 186 00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:38,425 You're a pathological rescuer. 187 00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:39,793 Ever since you're a little kid, 188 00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,995 bringing home that stray three-legged cat. 189 00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:44,532 Oh, yeah, Tippy. 190 00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:46,466 And finding the sick baby bird... 191 00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:47,701 Mm. ...feeding it with an eyedropper, 192 00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:48,869 nursing it back to health. 193 00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:51,171 Until Tippy ate it. 194 00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:53,841 And it's the same thing with women. 195 00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:57,444 You constantly seek out these damaged, needy broads. 196 00:07:57,511 --> 00:07:59,547 You know, you're right. 197 00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:00,981 Maybe subconsciously I'm hoping 198 00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:02,850 that if I save them, they'll love me. 199 00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:04,484 Perhaps. 200 00:08:04,552 --> 00:08:06,687 Or subconsciously you realize the only way 201 00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:08,188 an emotionally healthy, self-supporting woman 202 00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:10,057 would pick you up is on a scavenger hunt. 203 00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:14,728 But... we digress. 204 00:08:14,795 --> 00:08:17,698 Please continue with your star-crossed love story. 205 00:08:17,765 --> 00:08:19,600 Well, Naomi and I have been sneaking around 206 00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:20,934 behind Berta's back 207 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,436 and... I'm starting to feel guilty about it. 208 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:24,938 You want my advice? 209 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,607 Live with the guilt and see a doctor 210 00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:28,809 before that thing grows teeth. 211 00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:30,811 But don't you think the honorable thing 212 00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:31,879 would be to tell Berta? 213 00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:34,214 Sure, honorable's one way to go. 214 00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:36,884 But may I remind you that this is a woman who's been known 215 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:38,852 to lift the stove with one hand 216 00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:41,889 in order to beat a mouse to death with the other. 217 00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:46,760 How much honor you think that little fella had? 218 00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:48,829 Oh... now you're just being silly. 219 00:08:48,896 --> 00:08:50,998 I mean, Berta's not going to physically assault me. 220 00:08:51,064 --> 00:08:53,033 I hope you're right. 221 00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:56,904 I've grown to enjoy these little talks. 222 00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:02,142 * Men... 223 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:04,812 Why don't you just pay me what you owe me? 224 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,947 I don't owe you till we're done. 225 00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:09,917 Now throw the dice. 226 00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:15,055 Oh, you just suck. 227 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,893 I wouldn't need a job if I joined the Army. 228 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,929 You can't join the Army. Why not? 229 00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:25,165 Because you already are all that you can be. 230 00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:27,500 You remember my little burden Naomi. 231 00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:30,904 Oh, sure, I remember her. Hi. 232 00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:33,240 She's got job interviews this afternoon. 233 00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:35,008 I'm gonna watch the baby. 234 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,810 How are you going to work and watch the baby? 235 00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:38,712 Who said I was gonna work? 236 00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:41,615 CHARLIE: Hey, Alan. 237 00:09:41,682 --> 00:09:43,116 Look who's here. 238 00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:47,087 Oh. H-Hello. Hi. 239 00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:49,056 Um... Nancy, right? 240 00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:51,625 Uh, Naomi. Naomi. Naomi, sure. 241 00:09:51,692 --> 00:09:52,893 (chuckling): Been a long time. 242 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,127 Sure has. 243 00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:55,863 And this must be your baby. 244 00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,230 Oh, isn't she cute? 245 00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:58,632 Oh, thanks. 246 00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:00,133 And there's the proud grandma. 247 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:03,170 Look at her beaming. 248 00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:06,640 Well, dip me in butter and roll me in nuts. 249 00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:10,243 I, too, am shocked. 250 00:10:11,845 --> 00:10:13,046 So you're the sleazeball 251 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,848 she's been running around with. 252 00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:17,217 Oh, Alan, how could you? 253 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:18,952 I-It's my fault, Mom. 254 00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:20,253 Alan wanted to tell you. 255 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,122 No, no, it's, it's my responsibility. 256 00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:24,925 If you're gonna do anything, do it to me. 257 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,933 Welcome to the family. 258 00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:46,780 I made you breakfast. 259 00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:48,315 Really? 260 00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:50,718 Need to have your morning tinkle first? 261 00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,987 No, I'm okay. 262 00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:55,155 Good. 263 00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:56,724 I made all your favorites: 264 00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:59,326 scrambled egg whites, turkey bacon, 265 00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:02,029 rye toast no butter, decaf coffee. 266 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,731 Well, thank you. 267 00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:06,066 You eat like a 90-year-old man with stomach cancer, 268 00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:08,168 but I don't judge. 269 00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:10,203 So... 270 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:12,873 what do you and my little girl have planned for today? 271 00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:15,208 Maybe a romantic walk on the beach? 272 00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:16,744 A cozy picnic? 273 00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:18,111 I could pack you a lunch. 274 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,713 Uh, gee, Berta, I don't... 275 00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:20,680 Or how about this? 276 00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:22,315 I'll watch the baby 277 00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:24,718 and you two can spend the afternoon in bed gettin' sticky. 278 00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:29,656 Ah, well, uh, as lovely as that sounds, 279 00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:32,659 I wasn't really planning on seeing Naomi today. 280 00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:34,928 Why not? What's wrong? 281 00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:36,897 Oh, please don't tell me there's something wrong. 282 00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:39,366 I mean, you ain't much, but you're the best she ever had. 283 00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:42,903 No, no, nothing's wrong. 284 00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:45,038 I just... I have to go to work today. 285 00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:46,907 Oh, right. 286 00:11:46,974 --> 00:11:48,308 Silly me. 287 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:50,878 Naomi never dated anybody with a job before. 288 00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:54,915 At least not one that's indoors and legal. 289 00:11:54,982 --> 00:11:57,117 I understand. 290 00:11:57,184 --> 00:11:59,252 Well, you let me know if you need anything. 291 00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:00,287 I will. 292 00:12:00,353 --> 00:12:01,889 Ironing, groceries? 293 00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:03,791 I could lance that ear for you. 294 00:12:03,857 --> 00:12:05,859 Uh, no, thanks. 295 00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:07,294 I know what I'm doin'. 296 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:10,230 I spent a summer castrating sheep in Montana. 297 00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:13,266 I'll keep that in mind. 298 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,068 Uh, but I think it's fine. 299 00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:16,103 Okay. 300 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:20,740 You made an old lady very happy, Alan. 301 00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:23,110 I'm... 302 00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:24,945 glad. 303 00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,315 Bye-bye now. 304 00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:30,717 Bye-bye. 305 00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:37,224 Oh, I am so screwed. 306 00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,026 Charlie? 307 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,894 I'm in the bathroom, Alan. 308 00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:42,796 Um... 309 00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:44,865 I've got kind of a delicate problem. 310 00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:48,168 The antibiotics are in my dresser drawer. 311 00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:49,702 (toilet flushing) No, no, it's, it's Berta. 312 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,371 She's being ridiculously nice to me 313 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:54,141 and I'm afraid what might happen if I break up with her daughter. 314 00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:57,177 Oh, you can't break up with her daughter. 315 00:12:57,244 --> 00:12:58,812 Whaddya mean I can't break up with her? 316 00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:02,349 Well, I guess you could, but... 317 00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:06,753 So what am I supposed to do, 318 00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:08,788 marry Naomi just to keep Berta happy? 319 00:13:08,856 --> 00:13:10,323 You don't have to marry her. 320 00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:13,193 Just let the relationship follow its natural course. 321 00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:14,461 Natural course? 322 00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:16,196 Think about it, Alan. 323 00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:19,933 Any woman, given enough time, will grow to loathe you. 324 00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:24,504 My God, you're right. 325 00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:26,874 So I just have to stick it out with Naomi 326 00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:28,241 until she hates my guts. 327 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:29,242 How long could it take? 328 00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:31,744 BERTA: Damn it. 329 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:34,347 Charlie, get your lazy ass out of that bed. 330 00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:37,150 Hello, bright eyes. 331 00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:38,919 Hi. 332 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,787 I bagged you a lunch to take to work. 333 00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:41,754 No kidding. 334 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:42,990 Yeah. 335 00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:45,225 I also tossed in a packet of vitamin E. 336 00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:47,794 Help you chalk up the old pool cue for Naomi. 337 00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:50,397 Thanks. 338 00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:52,365 C'mere, gimme some sugar. 339 00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:53,833 Mwah. 340 00:13:59,406 --> 00:14:02,842 Oh, you are so screwed. 341 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,213 Here you go. 342 00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:08,882 One hot chocolate for the lactating mommy. 343 00:14:08,949 --> 00:14:10,450 Thank you. 344 00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:13,386 I see little Brittany Pam is having the grande boobaccino. 345 00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:14,521 Yeah, 346 00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:16,489 and she's bitin' the straw. 347 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,427 Listen, you got any plans for Saturday night? 348 00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:22,229 I don't think so. Why? 349 00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:25,365 Well, my mom wants to have a big family dinner over at her place. 350 00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:26,533 Family? 351 00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:28,168 Uh, whose family? 352 00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:32,072 You know, me, you, Jake, Charlie, my mom, your mom. 353 00:14:32,139 --> 00:14:33,340 Oh, oh. 354 00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:34,874 Well, uh, that sounds like fun. 355 00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:36,276 Doesn't it? Yeah. 356 00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:38,245 Yeah, unfortunately, I'm busy this Saturday. 357 00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:39,512 But you just said... 358 00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:41,281 I misspoke. 359 00:14:41,348 --> 00:14:43,316 Oh, I get it. 360 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,218 I'm not good enough to meet your mother. 361 00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:47,287 Oh, no, no, no, I'm, I'm just, uh, 362 00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:48,488 I'm concerned about the baby. 363 00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:50,357 Why? 364 00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:54,261 Oh, boy, uh, I was hoping I wouldn't have to tell you this, 365 00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:57,197 but my mother... 366 00:14:57,264 --> 00:15:01,301 feeds on the souls of the young. 367 00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:03,336 Okay, just forget it. 368 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,138 Oh, come on, Naomi, I mean, 369 00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:06,473 don't you think a family dinner's pushing things 370 00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:07,907 a little too fast? 371 00:15:07,975 --> 00:15:09,342 Too fast? You weren't worried 372 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,211 about things going too fast on our first date 373 00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:12,946 when you chewed through my nursing bra. 374 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:16,316 In my defense, I didn't know about the flaps. 375 00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:18,952 Well, I thought that you were different. 376 00:15:19,019 --> 00:15:20,353 I am different. Ask anybody. 377 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:21,955 They'll tell ya, Alan's different. 378 00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:24,291 No, no, no, you're not. 379 00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:25,892 You're just like all the rest. 380 00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:29,229 Flirtsy, squirtsy and then arriva-dirtsy. 381 00:15:29,296 --> 00:15:30,897 Naomi, I didn't mean... Well, I'm not that 382 00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:32,565 kind of girl anymore. 383 00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:35,602 I'm a mama now and I demand to be treated with respect! 384 00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:37,104 Sweetie, sweetie, calm down. 385 00:15:37,170 --> 00:15:38,605 I do respect you. 386 00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:40,607 I just thought the dinner was a little premature. 387 00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:42,475 Premature? 388 00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:45,078 You weren't worried about being premature on our first date 389 00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:46,946 when you ruined a perfectly good sweater! 390 00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:47,914 You know what? You know what? 391 00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:49,182 Saturday's fine. 392 00:15:49,249 --> 00:15:50,417 Dinner sounds great. We'll be there. 393 00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:53,153 Yeah, damn right you'll be there. 394 00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:56,656 What you never seen a screamin' woman with a bare boob? 395 00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:04,131 This is just mortifying. 396 00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:06,233 Mom. 397 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,368 It's one thing to diddle the help, Alan. 398 00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:10,403 It's another thing to dine with them. 399 00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,640 Jake, are you listening to your iPod? 400 00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:17,210 No. Well, start. 401 00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:19,546 Naomi is not the help. 402 00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:21,148 Oh, forgive me. 403 00:16:21,214 --> 00:16:24,384 She's the maid's round-heeled daughter. 404 00:16:24,451 --> 00:16:27,320 I mean, I'd expect this from Charlie. 405 00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:29,356 He'd hump a grilled cheese sandwich. 406 00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:30,923 Thanks, Mom. 407 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,225 You're welcome, darling. 408 00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:35,595 And what, pray, is going on with your ear? 409 00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,364 Uh, it's fine. 410 00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:39,166 It looks like a cherry tomato. 411 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,535 His lady friend thinks it's "darn sexy." 412 00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,272 Well, don't worry. 413 00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,107 I'm guessing you won't be the only one 414 00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:49,342 at the table tonight with a raging infection. 415 00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,244 It's not infected. 416 00:16:51,311 --> 00:16:54,281 It's got a pulse, Alan. 417 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,216 Look, Mom, there is no reason 418 00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:57,650 to look down your nose at Naomi. 419 00:16:57,717 --> 00:17:00,053 She and her mother are decent, hard-working, 420 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,288 salt-of-the-Earth people. 421 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,690 Well, pardon me. 422 00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:07,294 You know, it's tacky to arrive empty-handed. 423 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:08,628 Perhaps we should stop 424 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:12,532 and pickup a box of wine or some aerosol cheese. 425 00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:15,235 Oh, Mom, you're on fire tonight. 426 00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:16,469 It's the new meds. 427 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:17,704 They mix well with liquor. 428 00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:21,441 Oh, this was a bad idea. 429 00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:25,378 Charlie, didn't you tell him that's the gay ear? 430 00:17:36,323 --> 00:17:38,658 This is some nice flatware. 431 00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:41,761 I, I gave this same pattern to Charlie for his birthday. 432 00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:43,763 Yeah, he gave it to me. 433 00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:46,199 Next year, he wants a roasting pan. 434 00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:50,470 You gave away my flatware? 435 00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:53,706 To be fair, Mom, I gave it to you. 436 00:17:53,773 --> 00:17:57,544 So, Berta, nice house. 437 00:17:57,610 --> 00:17:58,778 When do we take the tour? 438 00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,513 Have you been to the can yet? 439 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:01,348 Yeah. 440 00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,082 You took it. 441 00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:05,185 Oh, okay. 442 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,189 I wanna make a toast. 443 00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:11,524 Oh, good, a reason to drink. 444 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,293 To Naomi and Alan. 445 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,762 Thank God they found each other. 446 00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:18,231 'Cause, let's face it, they were both running out of options. 447 00:18:18,298 --> 00:18:20,367 Hear, hear. Hang on, hang on. 448 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:23,303 Uh, I'd like to propose an addendum to the toast, 449 00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:26,038 uh, a subordinate clause if you will. 450 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:29,342 Uh, while Naomi and I are enjoying each other's company, 451 00:18:29,409 --> 00:18:31,211 we, uh, we are proceeding 452 00:18:31,278 --> 00:18:33,045 in a very slow and cautious manner. 453 00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:35,047 Except when we're having sex. 454 00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:37,617 Time and place, Naomi. 455 00:18:37,684 --> 00:18:39,686 Time and place. 456 00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:42,088 Yeah, well, I wish you'd spend a little more time 457 00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:43,323 and aim for the right place. 458 00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:47,260 Oh, God, just kill me now. 459 00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:48,661 Jake? 460 00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:50,597 Headphones? Thataboy. 461 00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:53,333 Excuse me, uh... 462 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,435 I'd like to say a few words 463 00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:57,204 before we fold up the dining room table 464 00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:58,805 and commence the square dancing. 465 00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:03,710 Alan, you're my son and I love you. 466 00:19:05,178 --> 00:19:07,113 But you and I are through. 467 00:19:08,415 --> 00:19:09,382 What? 468 00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:11,117 I just can't bear it anymore. 469 00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:12,419 I have to cut you loose. 470 00:19:13,386 --> 00:19:14,654 Is that all it takes? 471 00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:16,589 Hey, Berta, you got any other daughters? 472 00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:18,191 (knocking) 473 00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:20,092 HECTOR: Naomi? Are you in there?! 474 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,294 Hector? 475 00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:22,595 Go away! Nobody's home! 476 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,231 Mom! 477 00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:27,099 If that loser steps one foot inside this house, 478 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,668 I'm gettin' out my nail gun. 479 00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:32,372 Oh, wonderful, we're gonna be on an episode of Cops. 480 00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:35,708 What are you doing here? 481 00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:37,277 I've come to see my daughter. 482 00:19:37,344 --> 00:19:39,111 Is that her? What do you care? 483 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,713 You ran off. No, I didn't run off, mija. 484 00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:43,149 I couldn't get back across the border. 485 00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:45,151 They're crackin' down 'cause of these damn Arabs. 486 00:19:45,218 --> 00:19:47,186 Why didn't you call me? 487 00:19:47,254 --> 00:19:48,488 I did call. 488 00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:51,391 Didn't your mother give you my messages? 489 00:19:51,458 --> 00:19:53,893 Whoops. 490 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,729 Oh, Hector, I've missed you so much. 491 00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:58,130 I missed you too. 492 00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:00,433 Alan. 493 00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:02,269 Yeah? 494 00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:05,438 Your relationship has run its natural course. 495 00:20:05,505 --> 00:20:10,277 She doesn't hate me yet. She, she's just like... 496 00:20:10,343 --> 00:20:12,879 A toast to Hector and Naomi. 497 00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:15,147 May their love last forever. 498 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,416 Salud. Hear, hear. 499 00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:18,385 What's with your ear? 500 00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:20,387 I'm gay. 501 00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:41,508 Berta? 502 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:42,909 Don't bother me, Charlie. 503 00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:45,278 I had a hard night. 504 00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:48,481 If you're so tired, why don't you just stay home? 505 00:20:48,548 --> 00:20:50,116 Are you kidding? 506 00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:53,185 Hector invited his entire family over to see the baby. 507 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,988 It's like the Alamo over there. 508 00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:58,458 Well, for the record, 509 00:20:58,525 --> 00:21:00,092 I didn't get any sleep either. 510 00:21:00,159 --> 00:21:01,961 Halfway home Alan's ear blew up 511 00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:04,163 and we had to take him to the emergency room. 512 00:21:04,230 --> 00:21:06,132 Is he okay? 513 00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:08,368 Yeah, they were able to save the lobe, 514 00:21:08,435 --> 00:21:10,236 but I don't think anyone's gonna call it 515 00:21:10,303 --> 00:21:12,339 the gay ear anymore. 516 00:21:12,405 --> 00:21:14,574 Huh. 517 00:21:14,641 --> 00:21:17,444 Well, sweet dreams. 518 00:21:18,578 --> 00:21:20,112 You too.